here-in-my-own

[here-in-my-own]

5 july 2023

I hate them they feels like evils and monsters eating me raw making me hollow inside for emotions and trying to make me like themselves i dont want to be like them they are trying to bring out a monster in me im scared of that trying to get me on my knees begging for everything to them they dont feel like someone my own anymore i can lean on no they feels like enemies and i need to get rid of this place asap it is becoming oxygen deprived for me a hell im suffocating in this place with everyone i cant think of anything clearly feels like handicapped to brain to make decisions of my own

And no one of here even wants me they are happy without me

[here-in-my-own]

Talking to people socialising has always been tough for me i hate this i mean there are days you know the worse they could be i don't like friends group bc you everytime feel left out at last you'll find that no one is truly your friend till when that group exists the term friend exist i don't like trios its like there will be always two people talking together and you will again start realizing as a loner that even hurts more sometimes you feel inferiority complex like you ain't may be that good in looks or personality behavior anything it could be but mostly for me it is a unknow frustration that why im a part of this trio i should get out soon from it naah that's not enough for me its like i don't even like in a pair.just with one. No they suddenly start ranting their things like about what their crush did to them or how's their families to them how they were in their school times like a scholar and then they will only praising themselves all day all time doesn't even caring how you feel and when you start doing the same they be like "ohh change the topic please" you hell son of a bitch change yourself please.

[here-in-my-own]

I wnat to die just die rightnow i really don't wantto live anymore its really badly sucking me ichose not spek up keep myself silenteven if it goies worse still i broke up my silence i spoke but i will never now this was my final i will never spoke anything about i felt is it hurting me if i'm rightor wrong if ther isn't my mistake or is ,i hate my father i hate my brother i hate my mother i never expected this from them this much from them i don't know whom to express all this about where to go i've never ever sobbed this badly in my life any before i called my mother so that i can feelless loadly but the way she reacted i will never be sharing anything fromher now on means anything even if i'm going to my worst attempting to suicide , ran away from my house head inside is feeling so hot my body downside is feeling so cold tears arw weeping out constantly touching my cheeks making me feel like a hot liquid layer just got vaporized away from them my eyes need to have a rest i can't open them but when i close it i remember all.that making sobb more badly my head is stammering so badly from.inside i know truths aboutmu brither but never told them to my mother ever thinking hislife would becomehell and i dontwant to be a reason for it, cursing myself for my whole rest life my mother seems not.to care me at ll she's happywhere ever she is. Become stone become stone choose silence, silence forever never speak to anyone. never. anyone.

[here-in-my-own]

-10/05/23

Yes i'm sick of these days.

I mean everyday going out ,socialising isn't my thing i can't every next day go out and talk to people keeping a forced smile all along on my face its a hectic job.

But what even i can do i mean i have to go out every dayi have to perform my work every day have to talk to people have to adapted to being socialised now i'm growing on i have to leave this petulant away from mine this lazy and unhealthy to be active body.

So let's start this final year of my college subtitling it to be my new journey to my dream. I want to make it adventurous, learning, happier, enthusiastic, want to fill myself with lots of enthusiasm.

(Not so much for today bc i everytime write when i feel to, so this was my sudden and short emotion came in mind and i wanted to express i always love expressing my emotions so i write here often)

[here-in-my-own]

How so much pain can lie inside someone's heart that they don't have even fear of dying?

How much pain is that? That they loose their sense, becomes numb to feel any emotion?

[here-in-my-own]

at this point sleep paralysis feels more comforting than being awake in reality

[here-in-my-own]

Everytime I read Frankenstein, the same line makes me put the book down and stare at the wall. It’s my favorite line in the book; it has its own highlighter color in my annotations. The first time I read it, I literally detoured after my last class just to tell my lit teacher how much I liked the line because I couldn’t wait until second period the next day. Here’s the line:

“Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.”

This is said by the creature. He wanted to live. He wanted to live life so badly even though he had had such a difficult one. He still loved the song of the birds and the smell of the flowers and the joy in the world even if he never got to truly experience that joy. I just. AHHHH.

He wanted to fight for a life he never got to live.

[here-in-my-own]

i love you purple i love you lavender i love you lilac i love you wisteria i love you violet i love you mauve i love you periwinkle i love you amethyst i love you

[here-in-my-own]

-17/04/2023

Sometimes loving someone is so hard.

You love someone but you can't love them for your whole life knowingly you continue to love them in the hope that may be one day they will be yours you will hang out with them ,spend your vacations , will be making love on the kitchen slab, on a hill top, will date each other, bath together, sleep together,help, laugh, cry together you comes out happy thinking all these delusions. It becomes so hard to live without them they becomes a prior part of your life even more sometimes like a drug to you that you need everytime whenever you're in pain, to heal you, they gives you every kind of pleasure. When you're in pain there are times when nothing can heal you i mean seriously nothing if its doing your hobby, performing your favorite work, listening your wholesome music but talking to them just for few minutes heals you isn't it surprising?

We all have such people in our life atleast once,twice, or even for long we continue to get addicted to them then suddenly we realize that they have become our habit they becomes our go-to person in every case whether its about to share your career terms, family issues, happy or sad moments you find only them to share about and once you do this with them you feel yourself plentiful of fullness and no need to go to anyone else then. They are enough for you.

But you know one day you both have to leave each other you ain't bound to be together you both are having different lives or may be any other reason that you can't be together this really sucks us. And you two get detached still you continue to love them the same way think about them, hoping that possible one day you can be together in that hope you spend a long part of you life not being able to love anyone else you don't even try or say you don't want your heart only crave for them slowly it craves badly slowly it starts screaming, clenching in to out to meet the one to talk to one you try to find their their presence in someone else moments start striking your reality you start feeling those moments again you spend with them but not finding them near you a cold breeze start penetrating your skin you feel that cold inside you. You find yourself ina position that isfar miles away from this world, this usual world you lived in with them. You becomes unable to do your daily job ,talking to your friends, family with a plainness. This gets on harder for you.

And i'm at this moment of my life i don't know what happens next i haven't gone through this any before i don't know whether these things will get to continue harder me or i'll be able to forget him or things will take time to recover and yes then how much it will be or i'll never be able to forget him or i'll be ever be able to love someone else give them a chance ,trust them knowing my how's my past has done to me or if yes then will i rememorize the beautiful moments with him again if all that happens the same as with another whoever person in my life ,will that cold breeze again penetrate my skin ,will i again feel that cold inside i find myself suffocated in that conditions.

-untoldiary

[here-in-my-own]

-14/04/23

I know

Its been a long time i haven't wrote i am on a trip a so called "family trip", so couldn't. Seriously as i thought about this trip is even not touching the edge of it, let me elaborate.

Firstly, we deviated through our way and wandered around 2-3 hours than we were supposed to. It was already feeling nauseous (we were traveling through car) and this all sucked me we went to our bed at 12:30 we dawdled a lot and we are still doing it.

Oh my god, Fuck this drive! No i'm just fucked up seriously i mean nothing is going crazy even good on this trip.

At this point i'm proud of that i hate my parents yeah i actually hate them i'm hating them, more curved to my father. He's not a man to praise not worthful at all he thinks himself as a most acute person but he is just egoful, arrogant, selfish, abusive person.

I want to go back home right now i don't want to go on this trip anymore no, no, NEVER enough. I already told my mother i don't want to go on this trip my exams are near i don't want to bet my studies on it but she disagreed she said it would be fun i would enjoy it would be a relaxing break for me but i must need a break after this shit holiday i think it's going to be a more depressing one for me than relaxing.

Just waiting this trip will go good but no it isn't, and i think not going to be..still wanting..

Why things are so gloomy? Why everything is going wrong? I'm trying to find peace in small things but i can't i'm not able to i think there will be no peace in my life never ,nowhere, with no one, in no time!

I'm at my ever favorite trip i always wanted but i think this trip is going to be my worst one i really want to have fun i'm trying my utmost to make things enjoyable but these abusive, ill-tempered and shitty parents they never stop argumenting with each other huh sometimes there are so silly topics to argument i'm fed up i'm sick of them now at this point i really don't like them.

I don't want anyone, anything near me go away.

[here-in-my-own]

I never loved the past you, I'm not loving the future you

I loved the person I met and I really miss him.

[here-in-my-own]

-10/04/23

Once again a very bad day!

I went to my college today after a serious long time yeah i don't like to go college or say anywhere bc whenever i go outside the evening of the day feels so depressing sometimes i just want to jump off the roof or run away from my house as far as no one can ever reach me out not even a mutual one. I don't know why this happens may be bc i've started looking at everyone with envy.

*Cut to the chase*

Hmm, so we were at why today's day was a bad one.....so i went to the college i was having a exam let me clear it wasn't a bad day bc of my exam hands in a little sort of but not a actual reason, i met my one of the closest colleague we did a lot many convos about how were our past days going on ,how's college life going on, studies, families, and in all that we started talking about what we are going to do in future and that all of a sudden teared me down so hard that what i'm gonna do? No, i'm having a dream i want to accomplish that but i'm not focusing into things as i should not having a dream then caring about future is less frightful than having a dream still not weighing on it and then caring about future, its a whole unbearable shit. Yes it was depressing .

And these things keep striking me the whole rest day like someone trying to pull between my sutures making the skull bones into pieces.

Idk how i'm going to end with this but i too don't want to feel that depress everyday and that's the reason i don't like to go college bc all we do is talking about the things that is surely routing to make us feel depress, knowingly.

-untoldiary

[here-in-my-own]

-9/04/23(unusual feeling)

Idk what it is actually that I'm feeling these days but it feels so cold inside like something is really happening bad and if not taken into account going to lead worse.

Emotions are wiping out slowly. I don't feel happy when something fortunate happen,i even don't feel blue when something gloomy happens either you can say i most of the time feels blue so it doesn't bother me anymore i feels downhearted without any reason or with a wind up of many past reasons, these days are like out of sorts for me.

Sometime it feels like even if someone my close one ever died i won't feel anything there would be no tears in my eyes.

I know it's harsh but as i told before it has become that cold-hearted for me it doesn't mean i didn't like one so i would not feel anything but my emotions are eradicating i've stopped feeling things and it is really hurting me nowadays i too want to iron out things in their good way but as much as i try it goes into wrong diagonals and after a point i stop then i start assuming myself as the defeatist person on this land or for not to feel i leave them in the way they are (assuming time will make it right when there will be time).

Leave i wish time will make things correct.....for sure.......should be.......and even if not, then, it's a soul it will find a way out of the doors to live through the peaceful one yeah things can't go wrong for whole way its not a life! Don't know what's written in the fate but as say "what happens,happens for good" believe it.

I will.

-untoldiary

[here-in-my-own]

-8 April,2023 (about her beauty)

Will be talking about a girl i'll be never meeting again...

I can never ever forget the charm lies in her eyes ,brown eyes, as sunshine is obscenely striking to a mirror, as deep as one could stare at them for a good life end i can barely say if her body ever had a blemish. Soft, cosy, fiercely fragile,poetic,thoughful,graceful, all a gifted one can have yeah she was a gifted one.

Her voice was sharp & earsplitting,adept to swallow every pain burried inside someone ahhh..that beauty i still can't forget many a times i remember her want to meet her know how's she is doing in her life? Is all good? If she is suffering to any pain? If yes i really want to be a healer

I have no means to her still i don't know why her thoughts matters me so much why even after so long i think about her but sometimes it feels like there are some resemblance between we two. "where she is?" a favorite questionnaire to my brain.

Once again i really want to meet her.

-untoldiary