hereiam310-blog - Tumblr blog

[hereiam310-blog]

My Pain is self chosen...

so im not sure how these are suppose to go... show myself to be smart, witty, funny, sad.. or pour my heart out and make you cry... or what!?... since this may be my one and only blog.. i guess ill just be myself. to qoute a favorite artist of mine, which i wil do many tiems as we go thru this.. “ to be yourself is all that you can be” -CC-.... as i am writing this now, just thought... someone will read it and take it the same way i feel when i watch the show “shameless” .. i think, wow... my life is not all so fucked up like i think it is!

when i was 17, nearly 18, i decided hey, i guess ill go get myself a girlfriend... which at that time, that would be my first gf... thats not how it really went, but ill say so just to feel more “confident” ... so we end up dating.. it lasts about 3 years.. the gf starts talking marriage shit.. and living together... i was 21, she was 19 or 20... it was not a good idea to me.. so her parents to decide to go “bible thumping” on me.. when they go to church maybe once or twice a yea!... saying.. “you two need to become one ,you have to leave your parents and form your own family”... these are the same parents that tried to sign their own son up for the army to get him out of the house...and hell.. hardly ever would have a meal on the table .. but just a couple times a week. so the gf starts talking to her ex behind my back.. we broke up... gained knowledge i tend to not put in use... and gained a best friend the gf’s brother....

if you havent guessed by now, most of this will be about relationships ive had.. the different experiences.. the knowledge i should have gained.. .my own fuck ups all along the way!... because of these relationships i am where i am now.. ..i do not learn from them, i never put myself first.. being too nice is not a bad traint to have, you have to use it wisely tho!.. my own saying.. use to say when id explain me being nice.. and forgiving...is if.. you were to cut my arm off and fall down doing so, id probably reach out with my other hand to pick you up... should have realized by now tho i can not always be the one to pick someone up..after so many times of picking people up it can bring you down.. a weight so heavy... and eventually it will bring you down.. ive never been in what id call a normal relationship... dating someone who is “normal”... i pick the ones with problems everytime.. and then think i can help, i can fix... maybe this blog is me reaching out finally to be the one picked up.. i have someone amazing i feel has reached out that hand for me...

so... i figured out what i needed and never looked back.. took a step in the right direction.... wrong... more like every relationship take a step forward.. am actually going 3 steps back... maybe i need to hit myself in the head a few times to knock some sense into myself!?

--BREAK---... just had to do some work.. figured id throw you off as well!... messing up my writing flow!

so lets see... next relationship of importance(lightly used word there)... i guess i moved back to brenham my home town... at some point in time.. can not quite remember.. but dated some girl.. who had moved to texas to go to a rehab place! well hell that should have been a sign already.. to move on along!.. but of course i did not... she turned into an alcoholic... then one nite... tells me oh hey im seeing some other guy... that one was kinda short lived... so it will be short talked about..

where to next... how many steps backward am i now? ... i guess then i moved to ft worth area... started talking to some girl.. went to meet her while she was at work.. first time meeting... she worked at a adult toy store type of place.. again.. maybe that could have been a sign too of some sort.. i dont know if these signs need to be made bigger.. or i just need to stop and read them once in a while...so we dated for a while.. lived about 30 minutes from each other.. i pretty much always went there.. she did not own a car.. had kids.. did not have them all the time tho... her parents were both potheads.. her friends were.. a good friend of hers that lived at same apt she lived at.. that friends brother or whatever , some guy.. sold drugs for a living i believe... so one nite we are laying in bed watching tv or movie.. and i had been curious about her using drugs or not.. and certain signs i guess i did see.. made me more curious.. i went to the bathroom and looked in the cabinet.. and there lays the proof that i was correct... but i mean it was just black tar heroin and needles.. no big deal..after seeing that and going back out.. i was a total mess inside.. but i wasnt sure if i should say anything or not.. of course i did not at that time.. so eventually i guess she comes clean... her and best friend both were heroin addicts..i end up taking her to a methadone clinic for a few weeks paying for that.. she has no money.. oh and i had no money either.. i was broke..so either became more broke or went with debt.. it was all so fucking fantastic! she started seeing some other guy while we were together towards the end.. i guess it in a way ended mutually tho...  

nope .. thats not it yet.. still more

on to the next!... so i played a game called world of warcraft.. online computer game.. and my good friend phillip who i lived with in ft worth area.. the very first gf’s brother... well he got me into the game.. alot of his friends played it.. thats all he would do , so i figured may as well join him... one of his friends sister played the game.. we started talking online in the game.. is foreshadowing the right word? because wait for the end of this one..haha... we talk a while.. finally meet, things go good.. after dating a while.. decide to move in together .. moved to north austin.. got a 2bdrm apt.. she had a daughter.. young ... age during relationship.. 3 to 5..we lived there.. then moved to south austin for a bit with her mom... bf.. and her younger brother and sister..was temporary til found where we’d live next.. we pick la grange texas.. small town.. i get a job in a town about 20 minutes away.. it was a nite job.. id leave about 530 in the evening.. pretty much soon as gf got home from work.. and i would work most nites til at least 2 or 3 or 4.. sometimes til 7 or 8 or 9 in the morning.. but it was just tuesday wednesday thursday and sunday nites.. trying to work a nite job and then on weekends be on a “normal” person schedule.. well that is tough to say the least.. and the gf’s daughter would get out of school around 330... so i had to go get her always.. usually just walk to school.. it was 3 blocks away or so... so most days i got 2 or 3 hours of sleep.. sometimes id go a stretch of 3 or 4 days getting a total of 6 hours.. it drained the shit out of me.. so we decide i guess around christmas time it was that we’d go to my friend phillip the one i lived with in ft worth... we’d go to his apt for a christmas for the friends.. and we get back on a sunday evening i think it was.. and gf says , well we are done... you need to move out.. whole time we were at friends over the weekend she was messaging some other guy... you guessed it.. a guy she met on world of warcraft.. few days later she goes to meet the guy .... and they are married now and all.. thats cool...