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With My Life

October 2022

I heard my phone go off, an alert for a message coming through on my social media. I ignored it, I hardly ever used it and figured it was just another scam email. The only reason I still even has it was for family to send things or to see what was happening in their lives. If I lived closer to them, I wouldn’t even have it. Being 1300 miles away made it hard to keep up with anyone, especially when I didn’t have their cell phone numbers anymore to text or call them and catch up. There was always too much drama, scam posts, political opinions and sad posts of animals needing good homes. For every post from a family member, there were 15 more from people that I would roll my eyes at and scroll past.

I silenced my phone and kept plugging away at my current client’s request. This particular one had been the bane of my existence for the past few months and I was ready to be done with it. Arguments with the attorney’s office, complete silence from the title company, at least 5 emails a day from the client who couldn’t seem to understand the hold up. He was constantly asking for updates on the progress and couldn’t seem to grasp that until he got us what we needed from him, then we were stalled on making any headway. I was ready to pull my hair out by the end of every day and my constant headache got worse with every email he sent. Deciding to take a quick break, I grabbed my vape and headed out the back dor. The sun beat down on me and I took a deep breath, relaxing my shoulders and unclenching my jaw.

I had always been a naturally nervous person, preferring to either hide away or blend in if I couldn’t find a way to make myself invisible. Thankfully for my sanity, when I started this job I found the perfect little nook for when I needed to step away. There was enough cover to keep the elements away when it was nasty outside but still be able to enjoy the few sunny and warm days we had left of fall. I could still keep an eye out on the area around me but wasn’t easily seen. If you wanted to see me, you really had to look. I took a few more deep breaths and soaked up a few more rays of sunshine. A few hits on my vape and a mental pat on the back, I decided to get back in and finish what I could.

What I thought would be a quick and easy phone call and just a couple short emails turned into an all-day project. I worked straight through lunch to tie up any loose ends and sent an email to the client to let him know what the last couple of items I needed from him to get the loan sent off the next day. I knew that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to send everything off but I still held out a little hope. Time seemed to fly by, and the next thing I knew, it was the end of the day and everyone had already left. The cleaning crew were already hard at work trying to get everything ready for the next day and the lights were shut off in all of the main areas. I quickly cleaned up my desk and locked all of my files away for the night, packed up my work bag and headed outside to wait for my ride.

Six years and counting of seizures had left me with a paid off car I couldn’t drive and relying on other people for rides wherever I had to go, my mom being the main person to get us back and forth anywhere we had to go. I still lived at home with her and my step dad. It made the commute back and forth to our jobs easier and a great way to save money instead of having to rent an expensive apartment within walking distance to my job. It didn’t bother me quite as much as it used to in the beginning, we at least had reliable transportation and we both worked the same hours so it was a win-win for both of us. The only times it bothered me were nights I had to stay later than normal or when the weather turned nasty. Tonight happened to be one of those nights for both.

There was no car in sight and the wind had picked up, bringing a sprinkling of rain along with it. I had completely forgotten they were calling for a storm that evening and, in hindsight, I should have just stayed in the building and waited for her. Too late now. The best thing I could do was move to under the drive thru awning and hope that she got here before it got too bad outside. I pulled out my phone and saw the messenger notification still sitting on my home screen. I cleared it off and sent her a quick text, letting her know where I was waiting at. She sent a message back fairly quick, saying that she had just gotten out of work and would be there as soon as she could so I closed the app down on my phone and waited.

I stood there for a couple of minutes before remembering the message again. Opening the app, I saw the message was from someone named “Ken” with a profile picture of a tv show character. Immediately, I thought ‘Hmm….I wonder what kind of scam this could be’. I had been in banking for 12 years at that point and had seen just about everything in the book. From the fake paychecks for using a bumper sticker, to a relative in jail needing bail money and everything in between. I had my profile set to private and usually the only people that could get a direct message to me either had to already be friends or we had mutual friends in common. Curiosity got the better of me and I went ahead and opened the message. It at least had to be good for a laugh or two. When I read it, all the person had put was just a simple short message.

Ken: Hey, been a long time. How have you been?

I wondered who it could be. The name didn’t ring a bell. I tried to pull up their profile to get an idea of whether I actually knew this person or not, but there wasn’t much to see. It looked like a new profile, just a couple of pictures from other tv shows and it looked like they lived in the same area as me. Maybe it was one of my customers from one of my old jobs? I had worked at a couple of banks before the one I was currently at and had built fairly close relationships with a lot of them. Some of them, I still kept in contact with to this day! It felt good to know that, even though I no longer saw them on a daily basis, I could still remain close with some of them and make sure they were still doing okay.

I went back to the message and tried to wrack my brain. Who could this be? I didn’t know anyone by that name and with no picture to go off of, I didn’t have much to guess by. They had to know me if they were able to find me on here. I wracked my brain but I kept coming up empty on guesses for this person. I debated on just deleting the message and blocking the person but my guilt complex decided to make itself known. What if it WAS someone I knew and was just not remembering them? I pondered for a minute on what to do before deciding to put on my customer service hat and type out a polite reply.

Me: It’s great to hear from you, it has been a while! I’ve been doing well, thank you for asking. I just started a new job and am excited to see what comes of it! How have you been? Has everyone been doing well?

I read it over a few times before I hit “send”, deeming it polite and appropriate and would hopefully be enough to give me a little more information on who messaged me. Maybe It would be enough that I would remember them quickly. Besides, worst case scenario and it was a scam or a hacker, I could just delete my profile and start a new one. I read it over again and sent it off, shoving my phone back into my purse and look around for my ride. I heard it go off again but before I could see what they sent back, my chariot arrived to whisk me away from work and back home. It couldn’t have gotten here soon enough! As soon as I got in the car and we pulled out of the parking lot, the heavens opened up.

A torrential downpour quickly made it almost impossible to see and the streets started to flood, unable to keep up with the storm. Neither of us spoke as we drove through downtown, trying to focus on not getting hit or washed away. Once we finally got out of the city, it seemed to start letting up a little and we both released a breath. My mom removed one of her hands from the steering wheel and tried to shake and stretch it out before placing it back where it was. The white knuckle grip she had for the past 10 minutes had really done a number on her already hurting hands. I knew she had to be in pain, it was near the deadline for her monthly reports and she always came home with stiff fingers and shooting pains from keying in so much information.

“I really hate driving in this!” she said as she adjusted the defrost to try and help clear the windshield a little more. I looked over at her and she was squinting, trying to see out and I let out a small chuckle, asking her “Did you maybe try putting your glasses on and see if that would help?”. She looked over at me and smiled, pulling her other hand off of the steering wheel and repeating the process, “My cheaters aren’t going to help with this smart ass.” I tried to joke with her and cheer her up a little, “Look on the bright side then! You have a great copilot with a deafening set of lungs and an extra set of eyes! Between the both of us, we can do this! You’ll have to work the pedals and the wheel but I can at least help keep a lookout!”

She smiled and shook her head, looking a little sad for a minute before reaching over and taking my hand in hers. “One day Mija, one day you’ll get there. And when you do, you can be the chauffer and take me wherever I want to go for a change.” I squeezed her hand and gave her a slight smile. The rain had let up quite a bit the closer we got to home and she didn’t have a white knuckle grip of the wheel anymore so I took the opportunity to gaze out at the passing scenery and let my mind wander.

There wasn’t much to see, it was already fairly dark outside. We lived in a small town outside of where our work was, about half an hour away. Some of my friends thought it was so far away but it worked for us. Our little town of 1100 people was quiet and calm most of the year except for services on Sundays and the town festival every fall. It was perfect for us, and gave us a chance to wind down after being in the bustling traffic and the city life. Though some people would consider our city small, to me and mom, it felt huge. Going from a town of 1100 people to a city of over 70,000 felt like a huge change to us. Sure, there were bigger cities around Decatur but we never really went there and were already fine with dealing with the area we had to be in.

It had a fairly good university, one of the top corn and soybean processing factories in the country and plenty of shops and restaurants. We may have considered it big, but it was still considered a “small town”. Our drive in and home sometimes made us wish we lived closer but the smell reminded us why we didn’t. Depending on the time of day and which way the wind blew, the stench varied between corn syrup and dog food. When it rained, it was even worse and seemed to linger even longer than normal.

The drive was long, but it was worth it. It gave us plenty of time to vent and talk about our days before we got home. We had always tried to leave work at the door. Don’t let it bleed into our home lives and worry about it later. Nine times out of ten, we never had any problems with doing just that. Sometimes my work life and home life would collide but it was few and far between, especially with my current job. No more late night phone calls or trying to help someone over the phone. No late trips in the middle of the night to try to fix whatever was wrong at the branches or alarms that were tripped. It was a fresh new start and one that I was ready for at that point in my life.

By the time we pulled in the drive at home, you would never even know it was storming not far away. Halfway home, we had very light rain but at home? It was dry as a bone and you could see the stars peeking out through breaks in the clouds. Central Illinois weather at its finest, if you don’t like it just wait 5 minutes or drive down the road. It might be a completely different story there.

We walked in the door and each headed off to our own rooms. I dropped my bag off at the foot of the bed and started to strip my work clothes off. I grabbed my comfiest hoodie and sweatpants, taking advantage of my step dad working late and not bothering to keep on my bra or underwear. After a quick dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, we turned on some home improvement shows for background noise and decided to do our own thing. Mom loved to wind down at night by coloring on her tablet and I had downloaded a few e-books at work for the evening. I grabbed my tablet and tried to turn it on but all I got was a black screen. The battery was dead and the charger was nowhere to be found.

I let out a frustrated breath and went on the hunt. I was famous in my family for easily misplacing or losing things so it was no surprise that I couldn’t find something when I needed it. I could now add “charger” to that list. I went to my cubby hole in my room that I designated for charging cable and plug ins…only to find it empty as well. Where could it be? Rational thought went straight out the window and I immediately went to tear through my other hiding spots, leaving a trail of destruction in my wake. Halfway through making my room look like a tornado had ripped through it, it dawned on me. “Dumb ass,” I scolded myself’ “It’s in your purse! You took it with you to work instead of your phone charger.”

I cursed myself some more and dug the charger out of my purse. Realizing I still couldn’t read or listen to my audiobooks until it had a charge on it, I reached down and took my phone and earbuds with me back to the living room. I could at least use those until I had some juice on the tablet. Huffing out a breath at the state of my room, I decided that I would take care of it later and strolled out to the living room. Putting my tablet on the charger, I went to the kitchen to fix a cup of my favorite chamomile and mint tea. “Hey T,” my mom said, looking over her glasses at me from the couch, “have you taken your meds yet?”

Oops….I hadn’t even thought about them. “No but I’ll go ahead and take them now” I told her. Going over to our overflowing shelf of medications and storage boxes, I went ahead and grabbed mine from their designated day in the case and set them down to finish steeping my tea. Once it was ready, I blew on it to cool it off a little and tossed my pills back with a sip. “Oh good!”, mom piped up again, “You can grab mine for me too while you’re in there!” I looked over at her with a smile and decided to try to make her laugh. “Oh of course madam! Would thoust care for a frosty beverage from the ice box to aid you?” I asked with a fake posh accent and a deep curtsy. She rolled her eyes at me and laughed, “Just get them for me would you?? Goofy girl!” Mission successful. A smile and a laugh were exactly what I wanted to cause.

I reached over to her section and grabbed hers out of her pill box. Having two people in the house and an epileptic made for a lot of medications. Depending on the days we needed refills or were fully stocked, we looked like we could open up our own pharmacy in a heartbeat. Once I gave her the night set that she needed, I walked over to my side of the couch and flopped down. “T? Are you feeling okay? She asked from her end of the sectional, “You seem a little frantic.” I gave her a smile, “Yeah, I’m just tired. It was a long and frustrating day. I still can’t get the loan finished that I need to and it’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to cooperate! I’ve gotten better answers from school children than I have from them! I am just ready to relax and be a couch potato for the night” She held her tablet up at me and showed me the picture she was working on. “That’s my exact plan for the rest of the night!”

We got comfortable in our spots and went about our own projects. I popped an earbud in and opened my audiobook app on my phone, selecting the shorter romance novel that I had gotten earlier in the morning and hit play. While the prologue was going, I remembered that I had received a message from “Ken”. I switched over to my messenger app and immediately felt terrible. 4 unread messages! I probably should have checked this sooner…especially if this was one of my older clients. I opened them and started reading.

Ken: “Yeah, it really has. I think the last time we talked, I was still living in Shelbyville!”

That made me pause….Who did I know in Shelbyville? I had a few distant family members there but none of us were on speaking terms. I kept reading on, hoping for another clue.

Ken: “If I’m being completely honest, life hasn’t been all too great. Got divorced about a year ago, separated for over two. Moved back home and living with my mom. Just working and sleeping whenever I don’t have the kids. How about you? Have you and mom been doing okay?”

None of this was ringing a bell….I knew my seizures had done some damage but not this much! Who could this be? Lives with his mom, has kids and is divorced…..Still coming up blank I kept on.

Ken: “Hello? Are you okay?”

I felt terrible…..For the life of me, I just could NOT remember who this was! I dug through every memory I could think of with my previous clients but no one seemed to match that! I decided to bite the bullet and ask who this was.

Me: “Sorry it has taken so long for me to respond! I just got home from work and finished dinner. I am so sorry to hear about your recent struggles and I hope they get better. I hate to ask but my brain has seemed to realize we are no longer at work and has clocked out for the day. Would you remind me of your name?”

Hitting send, I took a deep breath and tried to reason with my guilt complex and anxiety. I’m not being rude, it’s completely reasonable to ask who it is! They seem to know me and mom, it’s been years since I’ve seen them and it’s understandable to ask for their name. They will understand and if they don’t, then I can just block them and delete the message. No skin off my back! The bubble popped up that indicated they were writing back so I waited a couple of minutes for their response but nothing came. I shrugged and locked the screen. Laying back on the couch, I listened to my book for about an hour before I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy. Yawning, I got up from the couch and stretched myself out. I could feel the tension on my neck and between my shoulder blades so I twisted around as best as I could to try to relieve some of it.

As I passed my mom, I told her I was headed to bed, gave her a kiss on the cheek and wished her a good night. In my room, I stripped off my pjs, put my earbuds back in my purse and put my phone on the charger for the night. I double checked all of my alarms were correct for the morning and crawled into my nest of blankets and pillows on the bed. Wrapping myself in my warmest blanket, I curled up and knew it wouldn’t take too long to fall asleep.

The next morning I flew in the door at work and rushed to clock in. Alarms that go off every 15 minutes, starting at six in the morning, and somehow I still overslept. Another perk of living at home, I wasn’t the only one who did that morning. My mom hollered down the hall that we were both running late and rushed to get ready. Had it not been for her, I would still be passed out in bed. I clocked in just in time and got all of my files out to get started on the day.

I hadn’t been sleeping well for a couple of weeks and had felt a little off lately, but stress always did that to me and in combination with not sleeping well? It wreaked havoc on my body so it made sense at the time as to why I felt so off. I checked my emails from overnight and saw that not only had the lawyers office send me a couple, but the title company had sent quite a few and the customer sent one in the middle of the night with new requests for his loan. I groaned and dropped my head down onto my desk. It was going to be another long day, I could already tell. It would be so much easier if they would communicate with each other instead of using me as the go between. This person wants this done, but won’t do it unless the other person says they will. The client wants this done but one place says no to the change while the other says yes. It was like dealing with children in a petty argument! I was shocked I still had hair on my head for as much as they made me want to rip it out.

I had never been more grateful to have an office of coffee addicts just like me. It meant there was at least 1 fresh carafe of coffee ready to go and Keurigs ready at a moments notice. I stepped into the conference room and sure enough, a fresh pot of what smelled like raspberry coffee was ready to go. I grabbed my favorite mug from the cabinet and filled it, leaving just enough room for a splash of creamer. I sat back down at my desk and took everything out I would need to survive the day. Earbuds from my purse, a charger in case they go dead, my phone and its charger, my vape and my worry stone. I popped an earbud in quickly and opened my music storage to see what felt good for the day.

Between my music collection at home and what I had purchased on my phone, I could always find something that sounded good for the day. Whether I needed something to kickstart the day or something to calm me down, I had it at the tip of my fingers at a moment’s notice. Feeling like I needed something a little heavier for the morning, I scrolled through my library until I came across Ozzy Osbourne. That sounded like the perfect way to start the day, and as soon as I clicked to play “No More Tears”, I knew it was the right one. I felt my body relax and my brain slow down. I grabbed my files, opened all my apps and got straight to work. The next thing I knew, it was lunch time and “Return Of The Mack” was blaring in my ears. I shook off the fog in my head and headed out for lunch, opting to spend it outside again since it wasn’t too bad out. I grabbed my phone and vape and stepped out the back door. I needed a chance to calm down and if the hustle and bustle I heard inside was anything to go by, I did NOT want to spend my lunch in there.

Once I got back to my desk, the afternoon flew by just as quickly as the morning did. I had worked over again without even realizing it, but at least tonight I wasn’t the only one. One of the other bank officers and a couple of the tellers were still in, trying to finish up their work and balance out for the day. I started to save everything on my desktop and made some notes for where I needed to start tomorrow and heard my phone go off. I finished up the last of what I needed to do and clocked out before heading outside to wait for my ride. I was shocked to see that “Ken” had responded back instead of just ignoring me. I still felt bad for forgetting whoever it is, I wouldn’t have blamed them if they didn’t respond.

Ken: “Oh, did you forget me already? Lol, just kidding. It HAS been a while, at least five years, since we’ve seen each other so I don’t blame you if it’s a little fuzzy. I’m sure your seizures haven’t helped much with that either.”

Okay wait, what? Whoever this was knew about my seizures, which means I knew them fairly well. I tried not to tell anyone unless I trusted them or if they absolutely HAD TO KNOW in case something happened. I typed out a reply as best as I could, my hands starting to shake a little.

Me: “I apologize, some of my older memories are a little harder to remember than they used to be.”

Ken: “Don’t apologize, you’re fine! I’m used to it by now! You’ve had memory problems since we were in school. I was actually surprised you responded to my first message, I wasn’t sure if you would remember me with how hazy your memory could be.”

Wait, in school?! Okay, who the fuck is this person and how do they know me?! I started to type out that exact response but before I could send it off, they sent me another message that made me freeze in place.

Ken: “It’s JB”

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