herkairos

[herkairos]

Keep Moving

8 September 2020

I’ve been unmotivated y’all. I haven’t been working, haven’t been moving, and have been a straight up - p o t a t o. 

I’m not exactly happy w/ myself, but I need to keep persevering for what makes sense. I have the competence, capability, and creativity to make sure I can hustle us into a better future. But why does that feel so difficult? 

There have been so many years of feeling hopeless and confused. I think the reason why this period of anxiety and depression is hard in particular is because the surrounding world is becoming everything I’ve been afraid of. This feels like the beginning of the end, and now I feel like I’m too late. 

God, am I? 

All the hope and dreams put into this universe are going to die and I’m terrified of that. I’m terrified of there not being a real future and life for people to move forward with. I’m scared of what the world has become and honestly I hope life just seems like this because I’m getting older. I’m 24. I feel frustrated because I don’t know how to fix these problems! 

I need help. I need to figure out what success can look like, and honestly it looks like I’m going to die trying. 

I need to sacrifice myself in order to make this world better. I know I don’t have to, but I want to, and I’m going to fucking make life better whether it be through hell or high water. 

[herkairos]

Me

I don’t need anyone. 

Too dope to deal with anyone’s bullshit. 

[herkairos]

Peace

I look to the outside world in search of it

I can't find it

I look inside myself to create it but

I can't rush it

I look up and put my hands together

I'm praying for it

The only things holding me together are the chains

The handcuffs and tears that fall like rain

Leave me wondering how humans can still let hate win today

-KP

[herkairos]

Goodbye NYC

4/28/20

Tomorrow I am moving out of my first NYC apartment, and I can’t even wrap my head around the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts going through me.

This place has a ton of great and terrible memories, haha. Between housing Gen and her wild-ass, to Vanessa hearing me hookup with a dude, to cuddling Lily in my bed, hearing the NYC marathon pass below me, and having the first ever place to be my own sanctuary. This apartment (1764 1st Ave), in my city NYC, has been a chapter of growth and new beginnings. This has been my home. 

I have changed significantly since I have first come into NYC. I moved in right as I got my closure with Josh, as I dove head first into ANSI, and ultimately learned how to fucking grind on my own. NYC proved to me that I could survive without a support system if needed. I was on my own, and honestly I still feel that way. Even though NJ is clearly accessible, I didn’t have anyone within the city who was home to me. And honestly, I am fucking PROUD of everything I have been able to do here. I don’t feel meek, I don’t feel shy, and I became an extrovert? Like what? It’s insane the amount of change that has happened to me, and yet, I still read all of my old posts and remember that I still am kind, caring, and loving. How amazing is that? I have changed and become stronger, yet still have stayed true to being a strong, independent, witty, and fierce as fuck woman. As the sun’s warmth shines into my room, and I listen to the rumbling trucks move down 1st Ave, I cannot fucking believe how much I’ve grown. 

Here’s a high-level timeline to continue my intense disbelief:

June 2018 - Started at ANSI

August 2018 - Broke up with Josh

October 2018 - Got closure with Josh

November 2018 - Moved to NYC!

March 2019 - Met Lionel and Founded Gratis!

May 2019 - Got really sick because I like to overwhelm my body with a ton of things!

June 2019 - Decided I was going to quit ANSI by the end of the year

January 2020 - Left ANSI and started at VU

March 2020 - COVID lockdown and started to stay in Jers

April 2020 - Here I am moving out of NYC

What a short time-line, but in between all of that was a ton of career growth, relationship/dating growth, and my own personal growth in continuing to be a strong woman. 

I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous about what the future holds. The world is in such disarray due to COVID.. and the lack of sustainability. I know I cannot be the only one to change the world, but regardless hell or high water, I will make my fucking mark. I am intrigued by this future of mine. I can endlessly wonder about where I will end up, and what I will be doing. What I do know for a fact, is that I will be still pursuing the sustainable world that is necessary for all people to have the affordable and accessible means to living a healthy and safe life. 

On to the next! You can do it Kristen, you haven’t succumbed to failure yet. You are a force of nature that will continue to be a change-maker. Do it for yourself, for your communities, and all of those who gave you the blessings to get it done along the way. 

[herkairos]

Lol I’m old

2/14/2020

Happy V-Day, Happy New Year, Welcome to 2020.

What a weird place the world is.

I don’t know how to get myself to where I want to be. I don’t know what I want, I’m hoping that if I write it out here, it’ll bring some clarity.

I want this world to be a lil less shitty. Do what I can to make my mark, make a positive impact. I hope I can do this. I want to be better and to do better.

I think I will get to where I want to be. It’s just a matter of time. I need to continue streamlining my life and getting rid of shit I don’t need. People I don’t need. I need to keep working at this and making sure I do my best to get things done.

I’m blessed. Keep the blessings coming.

[herkairos]

Burning Alive 7/26/19

I feel burnt out. I feel like I need to keep pushing myself to be better. Why do I feel like I’ve been in an endless race? It’s like I keep cycling and cycling within an endless rotation of pushing myself and falling. It’s funny how I seek sustainability for everyone else’s life, and yet can not obtain it for myself. It’s like I’m afraid of living past this point and having a future.. I keep running away from my anxiety and depression- and it ends up eating me alive regardless of what I do. Regardless of the “success” of the “happiness”, I just come back to this baseline, wondering if this is all worth it. Do I want to keep living?

[herkairos]

Identity

I am healthy

I am smart

I am kind and loving

I am confident

I am a leader

---

Core habits to be the above:

- Check my blood sugar

- Drink more water

- Run 3x a week for 25 minutes

- Remain consistent with Doctors appointments

- Make sure insurance is up-to-date

- Read

- Maintain mentorship opportunities and relationships

- Attend professional development regularly

- Do not bite your nails

- Do not play with your hair

- Do not date

- Journal 1x a week

- Clean apt 2x a week

- Remove contacts daily

- Develop a skin care routine

- Dedicate time to family

[herkairos]

Back Again

11/7/18

Why does tumblr not put dates on posts anymore?

I’ve certainly grown a lot in the past few years, but young me definitely has some wise words to say to the current me. 

As I read over these posts, I can’t help but wonder how so much has changed and how so much has not. Josh and I are no longer together, I definitely did not study microbio, I definitely did not end up in DEP- and yet I am still just as much Kristen Palma back then as I am right now. 

Would I be proud of where I ended up? I’m guessing yes and no. Yes in the way that I made my life work for me, I found a decent job that pays well, I’m moving to the city, and I’m trying to continuously get to the root of what is important to me.. I would not be happy with the fact that I am wasting my time and health on things that I should NOT be doing. I should be taking care of myself, I should be loving myself, I should not be taking my life for granted. 

The time it takes to do anything and everything is so consuming. However, life is so brief. How do I ensure that I’m using my time and energy as efficiently as possible? I need to hone into my goals and really focus on what I am trying to accomplish. I definitely did not think this post would turn into a list of goals, but I’m not exactly mad that my thought process ended up here. At least I know that I need to fucking get back on track. 

Okay, right then. ~ Goals ~

1) Take the steps to bring health back into your life

2) Be a good mother to Lily

3) Pinpoint all the UNNECESSARY things in your life, and remove them

4) Get to the root of your purpose

[herkairos]

Reaffirmation

I’ve been mopey and sad. It’s been so frustrating to feel like I don’t deserve the roles or positions that will allow me to help others. I’m trying to keep myself straight but it has been one hurdle after another. Am I being forced to learn certain lessons before I am able to get to the next step? Who fucking knows. I miss feeling motivated, excited to be alive, fueled by the need to create a world better than the one that exists. The world is full of so much sadness, and I don’t know if that’ll ever go away. Is there a point to me even trying? What do I even want in my life? Ideally it would be world peace, a comprehensive justice system, the ability for all babies to live exactly the way every other person is able to grow. But, deep down I know a perfect world doesn’t exist, that the unintended consequences may be far more damaging than anyone can realize at this point in time. Still- can we still achieve adequate communities, adequate health care, adequate governments. How is perfect adequacy achieved? A long healthy life, good habits, appropriate life steps, and love all around- right? Must mull over this more. Okay short list goals though: Put on CGM Schedule all drs appointments Plan a workout schedule Get a full time Make a reading list Plan a GRE study schedule Determine schools you want to apply to Determine unmatriculated classes you want to apply to Make a comprehensive budget Research spiritual goals Determine spiritual goals Clean out your room Determine (low/no cost) learning opportunities you can take Start painting your nails Do the career goal sheet Shanee sent you

[herkairos]

choices

Whenever you look at someone else’s life and desire it.. you don’t see what sacrifices or choices they had to make in order to get there. You are admiring and wishing for the good, but you never saw the bad that came as well. Life is not all bad. Life is not all good. Life is made up of the paths you have chosen and the roads that those paths will lead to. Don’t hang on to the past, and do not leech onto your fears of the future. You will never be truly present in the choices you have to make today. The decisions you need to think about now. The very part that actually matters in the grand scheme of everything. Don’t overthink the endless possibilities, but do not forget their existence. You will NEVER know how today will impact tomorrow, you will never know how the dominoes will fall due to what has happened today. Your direct impact, is what you are going through right now. But do not fret. Do not let your anxiety take hold due to the pressure you are putting on the now. Tomorrow is affected by many things, little of it has to do with you. What’s most important is that you are open and accepting of all the good and bad, and continue to make decisions based on what is best for the wholesome you. Make good decisions and move forth. 

[herkairos]

everything and nothing

2/3/17

Hey. I’m a little crazed out right now- just trying to figure myself out and everything around me out. 

School would be okay if I didn’t dedicate an absurd amount of time to work and other shit that tends to come up (aka illness, raps, friends, etc) Sophia Jones is a crazy ass bitch. I don’t know how to really cope with that yet to be honest. I know for me in myself that I want to be stronger and educated to take on her quips, but there’s also a part of me that’s still super ‘what the fuck’ surprised about it. I can do it, I’ve been through worse. If this bitch thinks she can walk all over me, then she’s got another thing coming. 

Work is tough too, there’s a lot of different things going on right now that I’m dealing with. From mixing personal and state matters, to EJAC, to the time commitment, to possibly asking for a raise. It’s a lot, I’m doing a lot and I need to figure out where worth is and where I need to be. 

You can’t solve everything, Kristen. You can’t always be the breadwinner, or the mover, or the solution. Sometimes you just need to not be doing anything bad, and take action when need be. 

You are smart. You got a head on your shoulders. But you also need to be grounded. You are equal to everyone, and you don’t always know best. This isn’t a bad thing, everyone is in the same position. Just keep ya head open to the perspectives that are out there and listen. Listen. 

--------------------------------------------

You want to help people. Sometimes that means helping people who don’t deserve it. I guess, this is your way of thanking those who helped you sustain the life you have without any thanks or gratitude sent their way. The world could be better, and you can be a part of making it better. It’s not easy- not by any means, but its still possible. And possible makes it enough for me. 

[herkairos]

headspace

1/11/17

My thoughts are everywhere right now, I kind of just need a moment to just splay it out.

- What the fuck am I doing with my studies rn man. I want to do microbio, but honestly I just feel like ass about it. Also, there is a pride aspect, that people think my curriculum is a lot more complex with the major too. I don’t know. What do I do? I could potentially take grad classes, but i still need to look into that.. 

- What exactly do I want to be pushing to study a learn right now? Where can I insert my hand so I can juggle another project, something to keep me busy and on the table so I can just cope with Josh being gone and being able to succeed still l m a o. 

- My parents silver wedding is messing with me too bc it makes me think that Josh and I are going to end up together. I think Josh is the one. Like super close to being certain about that, at least. He makes me so happy. I guess a lot of what happens to us will be determined through time, but I really love Josh. I love that he helps me grow, and that he loves and supports me. I feel confident with and without him, but Josh gives me a type of solace and peace that I don’t find elsewhere. He’s an amazing human, and part of me wishes that he had more emotional intelligence in terms of love? but, we can grow together, and that’s what matters.

- Josh makes me want to be a better person, be a stronger person. We have time to grow together. Or at least, Lord please give us time to grow together.

- I want to change the world so badly. I want to leave a mark, do something great, but how do I start, where do I start? What can I do.. Where can I learn? How do I grow?

- I’m currently reading the Power of Habit, and it is quite an interesting book. It analyzes habits with a loose interpretation by describing them as being more relative to general thought processes. Pros: good way of thinking Cons: repetitive book

- One thing that I’m really taking away from this book is projection. I think that, especially with the presidential controversy going on now, it’s basically up to everyone to project positivity. I need to project positivity. Josh even told me something like that today- damn. But tbh I didn’t think of the connection till now (fml) why is my boyfriend right lmao. 

[herkairos]

The master list of lists of all lists

Basically everything that interests me and that I think of, lmao.

1) The CDC, it’s workings, how to get there, the effect that it has.

2) Climate change, reversible, arguments, defeating devils advocate.

3) Diabetes, reversed trend in prognosis... autoimmune disease, but how? 

4) Radiation- I basically just want to know how much radiation my insulin pump produces.

5) Women, fighting for equality, feminism.

6) Children, children without homes, children without families.

7) How to monetize your ability to be efficient, where can I go with this?

8) How do I become a fighter? I want to push for things, how do I do so? How do I educate others and make people realize the important things? HOW DO I DO THIS 

[herkairos]

LIFE RESOLUTION LIST w. a focus on 2017

I feel like that’s a better outlook to have right? To look at things with a life perspective, open-ended, and continuous. I want to be better. I want to live longer. I want to be stronger. Life is what I make of it, and if I don’t take my life into my hands- then I’m not doing nearly as well as I should. 

1) Start a largely developed, philanthropic, project. You always want to do something, then plan something- accomplish your goal by focusing on things where you make tangible differences. You can do it. 

2) Start cooking healthy meals, eat out less, KNOW THE FOOD YOU ARE PUTTING INTO YOUR BODY - and even more so - LOVE IT. This is a diabetes thing, grownup thing, life thing, all rolled up into one. 

3) Figure out different methods in order to better enjoy exercise. Do this through trying different exercises, audio books, podcasts, w/e. 

4) Get your online library to 100.

5) Either sell or throw away all the things you don’t need. Live lighter, carry less baggage, and learn to take care of your belongings. 

6) Force yourself to be in uncomfortable places where you have to meet people, especially if you have to do it alone. People like you, mostly at least, but get yourself on a journey to learn and grow- and you know for yourself that experiences are the number one way to learn, aka learn from that of others. 

7) Be smart in everything you do. Act with a purpose, speak with a purpose. Each breath, each moment, has an effect and a consequence. Be mindful of your wellbeing, as well as others, in order to avoid unwanted problems derived from ignorance.

8) Speaking of ignorance, read. Force yourself to not only read books, but read articles, sources of credibility and literary merit because knowledge is power. Accumulate, grow in your understanding, memory, and ability to move forward in life based on the database you have in your brain.

9) Fight for the life you want, Kristen. Whether it be against you, others, the world, just fucking push yourself to live the life you deserve. You’ve been through hell, and honestly, you’ll probably go through worse things. But, you can prevail, you’re stronger than you think, now prove it to yourself too. 

10) Question everything. Find answers to all your questions. 

11) Start investing. 

[herkairos]

Moving on, haha.

Oh God, I just skimmed through some 2016- Jesus, did I go through a lot. But damn, I actually did accomplish a lot too. I’m not aiming for perfect, but I am not aiming to settle. 

IM A FUCKING STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOES NOT NEED ANYTHING, BUT IS ACCEPTING OF ALL AVAILABLE RESOURCES, IN ORDER TO SUCCEED. YASSSSSS.

I don’t really want to set up resolutions because I always set goals- they’re burned into every action of every day aka my anxiety. But there are certain steps I need to take, in order to get myself into the right direction. 

1) Create a Budgeting Sheet. You should be able to understand your income, expenses, and savings in order to get yourself to a place of reasonable financial status. Hopefully, to make investments at a due point.

2) Create a spreadsheet of your doctors, the appointments you’ve had with them, and their contact information.

3) Put on your CGM, Kristen.

4) Get yourself exercising at least twice a week, literally just flop around if you need to.

5) Allocate more time for family.

6) DOH.

7) KEEP PUSHING. 

You can do it, girl. Don’t worry about it. You are strong, and smart, and you have the will if you let yourself do it. You got this, and that isn’t just you saying so, it’s you believing so.  

[herkairos]

2016.

It’s important to know where you’ve been, in order to know where you’re going. (Moana reference) 2016 was quite an interesting year, and in terms of self growth, I literally have not developed faster. I’m kind of at a point where I have plateaued a bit, but if I look at how far I have come- my life has changed, in a positive way, in increments that are far larger than I had ever imagined. Off the top of my head, a few things that I was able to accomplish:

- Getting therapy

- Trying medication

- Finding a successful regimen for anti-anxiety

- Getting Joe as a mentor

- Getting into my internship

- Getting promoted into my internship

- Josh

- and every failure that has happened

Every single day, there were multiple downfalls, many setbacks, and times of wasted efforts that seemed to go on forever. 

I constantly struggle with the need to be perfect, but in all honesty, I don’t even feel like I’m meeting average. That’s mostly in terms of my grades, but I do seem to be relatively successful in other developmental areas of my life. Moving forward, I really want to dissect a proper way of learning and applying. Spitting back memorized information, isn’t learning- but in other ways, it is. I need to work on that, and I will push myself to do that. I believe in myself, and I will do it. Time to think about 2017. 

[herkairos]

To my future child

You will never know how much I love you, as I will never know how much my parents love me. You may fail and you may suck, but that will not mean you are any less of a blessing that I have been able to bring into my life. Think of others before yourself. Think of your actions before you commit them. Think of how to love and think bigger and better than before. And when I say love, I mean it. Love everyone, even if they have wronged you. Love the people who you would rather see rot in hell. You must love so much that it feels like your heart is going to burst. I know that you will be able to love like that. I will give you, shower you, and display all the love I can possibly harbor- to you. If I can do these things, so can you. No matter what anyone says, your worth is not determined based on looks, smarts, or skills. Those may benefit you in life, but that doesn’t determine your worth as a human. The fundamental common denominator that can be used across the board in order to evaluate the equity of a person- is love. How much you can love, who you love, what you love, and providing your love in any way possible. By letting love fill your life, you will then enable every goodness that love can bring.