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[herschelgray]

Mrs. Nicanor

I found myself doing nothing in this huge house until, lolo Benny asked me to come with him in his office. We sat down and in great mixture of anxiety and bland facial expression, I looked at him and was prepared to hear a very important conversation. ( Because it is very unusual for me to be called in his office for a normal conversation). He told me to look after Mrs. Nicanor who was then confined in the Medical Intensive Therapeutic Unit of the Veteran’s Medical Center. Deep inside my bones I was discouraged with the fact that I had to go home the very next day, but had to stay for another day or week to look after the poor old lady.

Mrs. Nicanor in my own recall of history used to be the person whose house was our go-to place when we are coming to the Metro for someone’s important errands in the City. I remember coming to her house always afraid to see her adopted daughter, Rona who is by the way a person with Autism. It was quite a misfortune that Mrs. Nicanor was left by her husband later in their marriage, which made her the sole preceptor of all the responsibilities in their very own home. It was difficult I must assume that she is left with all these obligations, especially when their only child happened to be somebody who fell in to an unfortunate life destitution. Though life was quite tough for her, she managed to reap the ages standing on her own, going on with life as it moves on. A lady thriving everyday to keep up with the uncertainty of life.

As I think of her, I made a realization that women are naturally courageous. They always go for the “DO” option as if there is nothing to lose. Mrs. Nicanor was offered by her siblings to live in America to begin a new life after her husband’s death, but she chose to stay, because she has to look after Rona. She chose the simple life over the big opportunity waiting for her not because she does not want to become rich, but because she knew that she had the responsibility to foster the care of her mentally challenged adopted child. She could have just left and surrendered her adopted child’s custody to a home care, and earn big money, and start a new life in the US. But then again, she opted not to. She stood by the challenges of her chosen responsibilities, and I cannot really conclude that she made a poor judgement when she chose to stay. What love can do is bigger than earning any amount money. If she decided to leave, I doubt she will find peace and happiness that I can see on her face whenever she tells story about Rona.

Though she never conceived, she is a mother whose love is unconditional and beyond imaginable. I salute her for her dedication and courage that continuously endure as long as she is still breathing. Mrs. Nicanor is not perfect, she has made some mistakes and I believe she’s not proud of them, but she managed to get up and continue to survive. She is a woman who fights as if there is nothing to lose, and I cannot really quantify how noble that kind of spirit is. We can never define a life well lived with the choices we make. What makes life meaningful is the purpose you have achieved and the life it changed.

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I was going over my blogs. HAHAHA

Plot twist, I got a grade of 1.25 in Physics during that time. Rest in Peace, my kind professor.

Actually, I don’t know how I feel at this moment. I’m sort of nervous and a little bit screwed. I don’t know if I’m going to pass Physics, but if ever I fail, it would make out a lot of laces tied together. the big problem is , I don’t know how to tell my parents about my failure [ if ever] . I wish not, but I feel I’ll be. Please lay down a little prayer for me, for my salvation in Physics. I don’t want to repeat Physics.

Bobo na ba talaga ako. Kasi yung mga iba ko namang classmate nakakasunod naman. Okay, I know now. Kasi di ako nakikinig at di ako nag eeffort para matuto.

E kasi naman, ano ang pakinabang ng complex equations sa field ko? As a matter of fact, kapag nasa isang scene ka where physics is applied sa nursing, will you still get to spare a time for a patient who’s running for his life? Okay lang naman na mag aral ng Physics, pero yung hindi sana ganun kahirap magpaintindi. Ang hirap intindihin na nga nung subject, nakisama pa yung prof.

Haaaaaaaay, kanina, nung exam, wala talaga akong alam, as In. 100 pts lahat. 6 problem solving na 20 pts. 15pts, 5 pts, 10 pts., etc plus 10 2 pts. Each na identification to complete 100 pts. Sobra talaga akong nanghula. Tapos nung tapos na ako sa panghuhula ko ng sagot, nagconclude na ako sa sarili ko na, “ayan na, tapos na, wala kang magagawa kung wala kang maisagot. Hindi mo alam e, ipasa mo na. Kung wala kang maisagot, minsan hindi ikaw yung may problema. Kasi matalino ka naman. Baka minsan yung prof. Din ang may problema,. Kaya kung uulitt ka man , let it be. Opportunity mo yun para matuto. “

Sabi nga ng prof ko “let it go, let it go” . And yes, pinasa ko na. Pinasa ko na walang kasiguraduhan sa mga sagot pero kumpyansadong mag pasa kasi, yan yung bunga ng 6 na linggong pag aaral ko ng Physics. May ibang walang pinatunguhan pero atleast, di ako umayaw at di ako nag give up :)

I will be the happiest person pag pinasa ako ng Prof. Ko.

Good luck sakin :)

[herschelgray]

Im not that stupid to not notice.

[herschelgray]

02|29|2020 4 am

After all this time, I still look for your shoulders when I am troubled. You have always felt like home even if 3 years have now passed. You were the only person who can keep my messed up mind still. I miss you. I know you are never coming back, but I just have to say anyway.‬

[herschelgray]

02|15|2020 1 am

After Jorge’s death, what came exactly 3 seconds after learning that he stopped breathing was I am so incapable of taking care of someone. I even doubted my ability of being a nurse. I never thought it could get worse to death. Even so complaisant that he will stay and live for the next many dog years.

Few weeks ago, I had a complicated relationship with someone who decided to keep me off the hook for some reasons I couldn’t really fully understand up to this point. It was devastating because we kind of already established a connection, although it felt like I was having a relationship with a stoic heart. It ended because the pressure was so intense, and sure, it was really complicated. But after this loss, Jorge was my constant companion. His sole presence was a joy, because in this world full of inconsistencies, he stayed.

Nothing can’t stop the course of dying. Once you’re going, there’s no diversion road to survival. As much as I want to keep everyone alive, I can’t take over the control. There’s neither an undo nor a reset button. I just can’t believe I have to witness another death. It’s just so painful. An open and raw dissection of the figurative heart.

For now, I can’t see the rainbow after this wrecking hurricane. Long have I been waiting for the reason of all these loss. But I pray for hope. That I still get to have a hopeful heart to see the good things above all the misfortunes.

If this is just a phase, I can’t wait to get out of the process. My heart longs for a better tomorrow. I miss you, Jorge. You will always be remembered.

[herschelgray]

02|11|2020

Hi, It has been so many days since We last talked. I really don’t know what went wrong, but I guess this is the most obvious sign that everything is over. It’s such a shame that it was done just like that.

Before we started having a conversation, I was having the worst time of my life. Kinda decided to end using a dating app, but I was still testing the waters until one time you messaged back and said hello. Do you think it was just a coincidence? I believed it was fate, since I never really knew that we also matched in bumble ‘til you mentioned about it. For whatever it’s worth, you told me that you really liked me to the extent that you even deleted your dating app. That made me believe in so many things and it really gave me a colossal feeling. At first I was really reluctant about your intentions, because I can’t believe, how could a 19 year old be that spontaneous? I mean, you were direct and firm that you were in to me. I wasn’t even really serious then, but because you were so alluring, I eventually fell in to the love trap.

We were so good, you were interested. Well that’s expected for beginning relationships, but I already observed that your mood is something I need to deal with. Not in a way that I should fix it, but I decided to just be the net under the ledge when you feel like breaking down. It wasn’t really a problem to me, because I understand your type. I knew that there will be bad days, but I also knew I can still count for your better days.

You were clear that you are not affectionate. Your term was “showy”, I know, I could really tell by the way you talk to me. It was really fine with me, I could deal with that. Though, you know, everything too much is not that good. You have your bad days and I can really be there for you, but you sometimes just dismiss the thought. I started to feel that you weren’t interested, and I could just walk out the door easily because of that, but I swear on my father’s car that I am so in to you now. I can’t erase you on my mind. You are the first and the last thought of my everyday. I can’t even stop checking you out on your facebook posts, tweets and even instagram stories.

I am 23 and had been in to two different kind of relationships. I think I am already aware of the things I need and want. I can cope up with your mood swings, but sadly, I too have bad days. I too can shift my mood. I can also have my own breakdowns. In the process of knowing you, I might also have forgotten about my emotional needs.

I said sorry for the times I thought I was being immature. But how can that be wrong when all I need is a small drop of affection? Do you think I should not ask for it? I guess I really shouldn’t ask for it, because you will never beg for affection with the right person. My heart, I just wish you were the right person.

I really wanna love you. I swear again on my father’s car that I could already have been so ready to do that. But how can I love you when you’re pushing me away? You want to breakthrough, but how can you do that when you are afraid and so consumed with all these negative thoughts?

Sometimes, I’m beginning to think that this is just your excuse to get rid of me. Can you blame me for thinking that way? Because if you’re really in to someone, you will feel relief in him. You will find home. Obviously, you can’t see that in me. So, at this point, make up your mind. Stop playing and building my hopes up, because it is killing me. I could have moved on the night after we ended things up, but you messaged me the following day telling me that you miss me. Oops, hopes increased to 100 % again.

Please quit playing with my feelings. I know you’re just not that in to me. If you were, you would have remembered that I told you before that I don’t wanna experience the same pain I had with my previous relationship. I am not here to tell you that you made a bad companion, but if you start to feel that way, then maybe you should stop and reflect. I am not mean, maybe I am just a little bit angry, but not in to you. I am angry of how stupid I am to experience the same shit again.

Oh btw, I remembered, you are just 19. A lost child who doesn’t know what he wants. Pick up some slack and treat people right. You are not the only person alive in this world with feelings. You can still cope. Save yourself from the pills. This is your Gen-Z stunt working. And if you just need one piece of advice, that is to make yourself real. That’s the only way you can get out of your egocentric emotional drama.

I could have loved you, but you are so full of underwhelming and overwhelming issues revolving around you. I can’t blame you for that, but it’s time for you to wake up and be responsible for your own actions. GROW UP! Stop acting like a dramatic toddler. I AM SORRY, BUT I AM HURT.

With almost love,

The guy you never called with his fucking name.

[herschelgray]

02|06|2020

I really can’t stop thinking about you. The moment I wake up, your thought begins to flash on my mind. I don’t want us to end just yet. Can we start to build things up again? You mean so much to me and it feels like I’d miss a huge chance if I let you go that easy. You came in to my life after a series of misfortune, and that changed a lot of things. You made me feel things I haven’t felt in years. You lit up my then, doleful soul. We can work things out, but please just give us another try. I miss you so bad.

[herschelgray]

Going back to the place I once dreamed to be the place I'd love to stay for the rest of my life.

Here I am again, 2 years after. It is a twist of fate that I'm setting my foot right now to the place I thought I felt the best love I have ever had - with the person I thought was my greatest love.

There's nothing special about this town, what made it perfect for me is the fact that you were born and raised here. As I was driving around the town, memories from the youth of our relationship flashed back, and that's how I remember the places you showed me a long time ago. I saw the movie house where we watched Alice in Wonderland. Remember how I got too nervous from hiding myself from my family, cause I didn't want them to know that I was with you? I was so afraid, because it was forbidden and I couldn't afford to face the consequences if they find out. So as we ended the night, our movie date was so spoiled becuase of my anxiety, but you still managed to make me feel calm, like how you were and have been doing since the beginning of our romance.

Continuing my trip down memory lane, I passed by your house. I know you weren't there, but I just felt the need to take a glimpse of it once more. I loved your house more than I loved mine... the room where you sleep, the double size bed where we laid our warm and burning bodies. I'll never forget each and every millisecond of the moments we were together in that bedroom. I missed the shower, the weak sprinkle of your shower, the way I sneaked out of the bathroom going back to your bedroom. I missed how we whispered while we talked, cause I never wanted your dad to learn that I was there. It felt like your father knew that I was hiding, However I still chose to hide anyway. There are so much to write to remember, but this page wouldn't be enough to fill the memories you and I shared together.

I am eating at the cake land right now. It's where I'm writing this letter, just in case in some ways or somehow you may come to visit and read my letters. (I am sitting at a different table) Looking at the counter, I remembered the first ever present you gave me; cakes and other goodies. I still keep the box and ribbons (just for the record)... That's how difficult for me to let some of your stuff go. It's astounding that after all this time, I still love this entire place; Maybe because I still love you and there are some things that will never change. I am tired of pretending that I love you no more. Studying at what ground I am standing right now, I believe that my feet are set to acceptance. So even if I know that there's no more chance between the both of us, I have learned that some love are not meant to stay forever. And for my disposition, I have mastered to accept that fact.

No matter how things have changed your ideals, I still remain faithful to my word since tha day I told you "ik hou van jou". I'm so done trying hard to forget you, becuase I figured out that- that's just not the way of my acceptance. My way is to be happy for what you've become. Though things got really rough at the end of our relationship, you'll always make a special fortresss in my heart. It might change over the time, but for now, let me savour this moment that I remember right here, I once dreamed this place to be where you and I would stay in love forever.

And from here, I shall leave;

[herschelgray]

Missing The Signs

How come you’ve missed all the signs when they are flaunting in front of you? 

It’s a cliche that you become a fool for love, but it’s real. We all do get in to a painful situation when someone must leave for certain reasons no one would understand how they started. 

The whole picture of you not knowing about it is a LIE. 

The TRUTH is; it’s just that you will never believe that someone you actually love is going to leave you for a reason; because you give love so much, that it’s easier to believe a lie than to face a slap of reality.

Love is not always about how you feel. Love should come together with your logical mind. It is when you allow your feelings to conquer everything that makes you whole- that you start to be a fool for love. It is when you get so consumed with the wrong notion; that you will be confused if you’re still in love or you’re already living a lie of a relationship you lost because of missing all the SIGNS.

[herschelgray]

Only thorn among the mean flowers. #walangkakampi

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Overlooking

[herschelgray]

I understand that you feel unfair because you didn't get enough sleep. But I wish you spare a little understanding to offer on my part as well.

[herschelgray]

4B

[herschelgray]

With nanang and ninang and with special guest: kuya Mark 😁

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Look at the sky 😌

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I love how the sky is painted behind the tree 🍃

[herschelgray]

👍🏼☝🏻