hey-im-mvp

[hey-im-mvp]

cunt

I've seen through you since day one your arrogance and your belief that everyone you associate and speak with is just that stupid to not see through your bullshit. it's no wonder why people treat you like you are a child. you lie like one and act like one. I'm sorry I ever even associated myself with you, even told anyone about you. I was warned and told the truth from the start. I didn't listen. I even saw for myself early on and still didn't listen. I let the want to be loved and love again blind myself from believing it deep down that you weren't this person who ultimately you showed me over and over to be. you are a abusive, lying, manipulative narcissistic personality. you went right for my vulnerability as soon as I exposed myself to you. you knew I was groomed and you went right for doing the same because you knew that I knew no better. you strived to make me co-dependant so you could rip the very thing from beneath me the second you didn't get your way from me. you made me think and feel I was the cause of any of our issues and tried to say it's YOU who was reactive. nah. you lied broke the trust continued to lie and deceive me and then gaslighted me making me believe anything because you knew I was that vulnerable and I'd go right along with it. we both need serious help but I don't prey on people like you do. you enjoy doing this to people because you are a parasite just as I was told. I should have listened. I never will sadly. it's who I am I was made this way groomed this way. if I ever hear your name I won't have a nice thing to say about you everything you do is to benefit you, your situation something to get further in whatever sick facade you have going on in your head. seriously I hope you grow up. I hope you one day realize people aren't as stupid as you think, you can't manipulate, take advantage and lie to their face. people let actions speak for their words. people also don't seek pity for every little thing and blame and have excuses for every single thing or a reason why. they also don't use their flaws as an excuse to why they didn't meet expectations. there's actual people who psychically can't work and yet you sit at home collecting disability from the government and proceed to go for walks(10KM walks)and ride your bike to the store daily;comedy. and God forbid you were ever questioned as to why, oh my IBS oh my pots. yeah..I'd believe it was such a crutch maybe if you didn't walk to the store everyday or go for huge walks and hikes. grow the fuck up is right Joe was spot on. and I'm sure he was about being a cock hungry mf too. you are what you are. I'd never want to be associated with people like you or your family. consider this my final goodbye and you'll never hear from me again. I have many words about the kind of people you are but I'll hold my tongue. it's just laughable and even more of an act when it comes to explaining about it and on that what kind of idiot would ever think of knocking up someone who had an abortion, that's the level of stupid you think everyone is. what other family has all had abortions? yall might be a world class act. do you even know what actual trauma is, I get why Garry boy said what he said. ha. on that I'm done. done with you your games and your bullshit. time for you to take advantage of the next supply who I'm sure has been waiting to come off the bench cause ultimately you are just what you are. and we both know what I want to say yeah that word. enjoy your flight & fuck you I'm done chasing you and I'm done begging for someone who is you. goodbye 

[hey-im-mvp]

while you sleep

I wish you and I could just talk and I could say these words to you right now

I wish I could convey how much I see you and I hear you. I see your pain, your point and your logic and I absolutely hear your pain and how you felt lost in our connection as it crumbled and crashed. I know you feel betrayed, unheard, unseen and dismissed by me. I see how much I have deeply hurt you and continually fail you and push you to your limits.

I know you don’t trust my actions, my words, my judgement right now and you haven’t for a while. I know that what once felt like a strong and stable connection is gone and it’s been incredibly hard for the both of us. I didn’t handle it well and I spiralled out of control. But I know how much you tried to find hope and trust in me, and you couldn’t towards the end and even now no matter how much you keep trying. That’s why I understand that you don’t feel emotionally connected with me anymore and you’re barely holding on. 

There hasn't been any clarity between us, and we have no clear definition of what we are, where we are going and if we even feel the same way. We tried so many times and I kept failing you so many times. I missed the signs of how badly you just wanted to be understood, heard and be seen. To just feel like you can have a partner you trust and eventually you found it so hard to feel like we belong and the future we planned together seemed further out of reach. 

It hurts knowing all of that but I wish I can make you see that I do hear you and I see you. All of it, that I’m no longer blinded or clouded. I’m sorry I was blinded by own pain and how badly I wanted you to see it. I'm sorry that I had this compulsion to make you realize that my actions and reactions was because of you and my need for you to see that you belong with me and that we can still have a future. I'm sorry I failed to give you the proper recognition for having given me so much that I wasn't able to reciprocate. Although you weren’t perfect either, you didn’t deserve the much pain and stress I continuously put you through. I was unfair to you and made your anger grow and grow, the hurt and sorrow in your eyes and disappointment and resentment in the way you talked and interacted with me indicated how much it was so deep in you. I don't know how many times I can apologize but I never wanted to cause you any pain. I don’t know how to even recover from it. It breaks my heart to know how heavy it feels and carry it with you. How I push you to reach your breaking point so many times but you kept trying.

It's not in any self-righteousness but yes I am growing and learning. I know I have lot to go still and I'm working on learning to make more mature and better choices. But I hope that you can believe me when I say I hear you. I absolutely hear you and see you. I understand that something needed to change. That in order for things to get better, to head in the right direction, to finally break the cycle, I needed to do my part and make serious changes. I needed to be patient and trust the process in order for us to heal and find our way back.

I know I made a lot of mistakes, did the wrong things and I said the wrong things. I wasn’t in the clearest mindset nor I was even trying to open and understanding enough for you. You felt tired and could no longer see how I can redeem myself. I was still so consumed in my own selfishness that I didn't ever recognize that you just crashed and lost hope on how badly you wanted me to understand what you needed and expected. I drowned myself in my own overthinking and selfishness to see it or anything else. You wanted to communicate with me and work on it. You were tired of just wanting to hear me talk but to have your voice and opinion to be heard. To be able to express your needs and expectations freely. You didn’t want to just trust my words but needed my actions to match them. You needed to see me make better choices so you can learn to trust me again. I understood and I’m sorry, it took me a while to actually recognize that and to even try.

I wish I could say this to you. I wish I tried to be more detached earlier to the situation like you hope and reflect for a bit before I let my impulsive and reckless thoughts get the best of me. I wish I listened more and had a clearer mindset to not just consider your pain but do right by you. I'm sorry that I chose instead to focus on my own pain and frustrations because I was completely blindsided by your decision you walk away. I was confused and hurt. I feel out of myself with all the things I did and what it was doing to you. I felt out of control and out of my mind. I didn’t focus on your needs and your boundaries and chose to focus on the situation and how I felt like I needed to fix it right away. I don't want to lose you or not be a part of your life. And I’m sorry for being so selfish. 

I also wish we learned to handle our conflicts better or how we responded to each other. I wish learned not lose focus of each other’s emotions and needs. That we didn’t lose sight on the idea that each other always worth more than arguments, anger, resentment and fears then maybe that would have helped. I wish I was a better partner too then maybe we wouldn't have struggled on fixing conflicts or not letting smaller conflicts grow. I'm sorry that I didn’t feel safe with you nor trusted you when we fought and that I always felt so small. I failed to see that you also didn’t felt the same way. But for us we somehow knew and hoped it would be better afterwards and that we always came around for each other. But that we became stuck in a toxic cycle and before I knew it, the damage was done and you were wavering and all the actions I took just broke your trust even further. I broke you down even further. The only thing we could truly rely on was that of we gave it some time then try to come around and be sincere with our apologies and that we can reflect and understand better on what we needed to do to address our conflicts. But as we fell deeper into that toxic cycle, it felt never-ending and we wanted it both so much to work, we kept trying and trying. But we never truly recognized that we both weren't healed for our pasts especially the hurt from our own conflicts and we never fully recover what we keep breaking. You found it difficult to hold on

I did all the wrong things, overthought everything and was impulsive but you tried still even when you already felt broken down and weary about all of it. I don't deserve you. But yet here you are with the door open and still wonders what if we miss out on each other. I try hard not to think so much or put more meaning into it but deep in my heart, but I hope that heart of yours still belongs to me and that you want to work on things as badly as I want to.

I know I won't be completely forgiven right away and neither have I forgiven you for all the pain you have given me. I know trust isn't easy to be rebuilt but I am grateful that we still continue to try and continue to show empathy and compassion and understanding towards each other and how you continuously amaze me on how much you still care. Even if I always end up ruining the good days by freaking out and becoming overwhelmed with all my overthinking.

Eventually even when we are just trying to reconnect, our old toxic patterns seem to follow us, we find ourselves always defensive, dismissive, overwhelmed, scared, frustrated and sometimes just too hurtful to each other. We tried many times to take it slow and redirected focus on the positive things but somehow we were just deflecting that there needs to be some kind of commitment or I guess I was knowing commitment was the last thing you want. But we weren’t really giving much to each other especially what we are truly were needing or asking and that's where the conflict arises. Communication was never our best suit and we still haven't learned. I'm sorry that I keep failing you even when were not together and for the chance after chance you keep giving me.

Because of that I regret many things especially during my spiral. I was unreasonable and did shitty things. But I don't regret us, because I believe if we could have done it better or were actually truly ready for each other then we would have and we wouldn’t be apart. We may have rushed it but I guess we were both head over heels. It wasn’t all toxic and we had many great moments. You were the best just the way you are and you still are. I love you even at your worst no matter what and that remains unchanged even up to now. And I wasn’t the best overall, given how I have handled things and I still have much to learn. I’m not saying I have already matured in such a short time but I made progress and I’m proud of that.

I’m glad we tried and we gave it all then. I’m glad that you’re still here that you still let me in even when I don’t completely deserve it. I wish it was different, but I’m glad that it taught me a lot about myself and us. As I continue to reflect and learn and grow, I just want to say that I’m sorry I wasn’t a better partner to you. But I hope as we go forward, that our past mistakes helps us both to grow and learn. I hope that we can continue to heal together side by side going forward.

I love you with all my heart and I hope someday you would let me back in and we can build our future together just like we hoped and wished for

[hey-im-mvp]

projection into the mirror

i cant take this shit anymore. i could never be you, i was you, i used to be you. I promised after my last relationship id never be you again. I feel myself slipping. You taunted me with control.. you flashed it infront of me hoping id bite and like a fool i did only for you to use it all against me. It was apart of your game to get me to wear the shoes you wanted so desperately to fit, make sure i fit the part. Playing your game i learned that you love to also take away.. its like a drug. get me hooked on you then take it away and watch me squirm. How can you be like this? you are 36 years old and a few long term relationships how can someone be this emotionally immature? but it is. and i still accept it, ultimately. i mean im still here and still always comprimising because i just dont know but i do know that you somehow feel so right. i cant let you go, i cant walk away. but why?

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You will do everything in your power to protect the facade. You say im the narcissist, your exes are all narcissists and i actually started believing you.. see thats how i knew i was in for a show you started making me believe that i was a narcissist. I know i have issues alot of them but im not a narcissist and for someone who lightly throws around that word as if its as simple of an adjective like naming colors of a car..

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in the last 24 hours youve done nothing to validate or hear me out about my feelings, something you say and broke up with me for in the past about how i dont for you. It always projection..