hey-woah-donttouchme

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

ooOOoh lookAT MEEe I’M JOOOSH I’MWHACK OFF  all day looong. GIRLS? NO THANK YA, MA’AM, I’VE GOT ME A        boner

OOOH! I’M DRAKE! BOOBS!!!   nNNOT FOR ME!! I’M JUST GONNA EAT ME A BIG OL BAGFUCKIN DICK

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

remember how every few months in high school there was a different extremely specific trend that everyone who wanted to be cool and respected participated in? personally my favorite was when we all wore cursed amulets and the amount of clout you had depended on how unsettling your aura was but maybe that's just me

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

So i hear you like snakes. How do you feel about hognose snakes? Ever heard of them?

Yes, they are fun and adorable and silly

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

world’s most fucked up substitute teacher

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

I was high off my ass last night and had this dream where I was in this dense ass forest and sitting there was a tall woman. She was so tall I couldn’t see her face but she was wearing gold and I was like “uh…hi?” And she said “I made you, do you know that?” And I nodded and she was like “I hear your thoughts. Why do you hate my creation? Why do you try to destroy yourself? I made you perfect as you are. Please don’t break my heart”. Then she started crying and it flooded and I woke up with fucking heart palpitations like what does it Mean™️????

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

im gonna shit

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

One of my biggest fears is that people will one day go back too far on my tumblr and see posts from when I was an edgy ass emo teenager...

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

What the fuck happened here while I was gone for the past year and a half...

I'm glad ppl on tiktok are doing ok

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

(I work the floor at an independently-owned menswear store. The owner, my boss, spends a lot of time at the shop, and tries to keep prices as low as possible to help our city’s large homeless population get good job interview clothes. A clearly homeless man is wandering around the store. The other patrons are giving him looks.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I think you may want to call security. That… bum over there, he keeps feeling the suits and muttering to himself. I’m just sure he’s planning to steal one.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I think that’s quite unlikely.”

Customer: “Oh, come on, you know how they are! I mean, I’d keep an eye on him even if he wasn’t homeless!”

(The homeless man in question happens to be Hispanic.)

Me: “We don’t discriminate here, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, I’m sure the owner would want to hear about this!”

(I give in and call him over. The customer explains her concerns. As a black man, my boss isn’t happy with her racism, but agrees to talk to the homeless man.)

Owner: “Excuse me, sir, are you finding what you need?”

Homeless Man: “Well, not really. I’m hoping for something versatile in a dark or navy wool, but most of the options in my size are cut American style instead of European, which fits me a little better. Not to mention they’re all pinstriped, which I really don’t have the build for, you know?”

Owner: “I… yes, I understand. I think we may have some options over here, if you’ll follow me. How did you know all that?”

Homeless Man: “Back before I lost my job, I used to be really into this stuff. I’m not looking for anything fancy, just something I can use to look good for a job interview later today.”

(My boss helps him find something he likes, and comes to the counter with him. The suit is priced at $87.)

Homeless Man: *digging in his pockets* “Hang on, I think I’ve got enough.”

Owner: *to me* “Take my card. I’m buying it for him.” *to the homeless man* “Here. The suit’s yours, on one condition. After your interview today, you come back and apply for a job here too. Got it?”

Homeless Man: “I… oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much.”

(Two years later, that formerly-homeless man is my manager, and has a little girl with his new wife—the owner’s sister.)

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

White people about to be mad af reblog

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

Children, this is dirt. 

 dirt?dirt?  dirt?dirt? dirt?dirt? dirt?  dirt?    dirt? dirt?    dirt? 

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

luv the dimensions of this brick I found in the woods. I’m going to keep it on my back porch forever. Luv it

[hey-woah-donttouchme]

i arrive to the occasion

I show up to the event