heybillyheyron

[heybillyheyron]

i really like whitaker because he doesn’t become bitter . like , he has the absolute worst luck , he has patients who die on him and he gets hit with every bodily fluid ever and he almost gives up . this is important to me , too . he almost retreats within himself , he almost says that this is too much , he almost decides that he isn’t good enough . but despite everything , he doesn’t . whitaker is so naturally kind , and j think this is a mixture of all the circumstances — his homelessness , the youngest sibling , the rural religious upbringing , the medical student who is surrounded by people who know what they’re doing ( i mean , the only other medical student is a fucking genius , after all ) . and he is isolated , like he’s always been . but whatever else whitaker is , he isn’t bitter . he isn’t mean . he isn’t confident , he isn’t charismatic , he may not be the most talented , but he is so relatable , he’s almost like a man of the people , a kind little ball of light that people feel naturally safe around . he sees people as people , not patients . and when he sees robby breaking down , he sees robby as a person , not his boss . dennis whitaker sees people first and patients second , and maybe that makes him a little insecure , and a little hesitant , but it’s his special sauce .

[heybillyheyron]

as somebody, a student, in medicine, the lounge interaction between Dr. Langdon and Dr. King hit me harder than i initially realized. and it's not because I ship them (you do you, though!) but because i felt like i was being spoken to? in a way? sensitive isn't something you want to be in a field like this one; at least that's always been the perception. sympathy is good, of course! but being sensitive? i shared a sentiment much like Whittaker's when Dr. King said she had an emotional response to death.

"Got to be kind of tough for a doctor."

when Dr. Langdon was sitting with Dr. King in the lounge, i was convinced i knew where that scene was heading. "You're sitting here feeling like.. like maybe you're not up to it? [...] Been there. We've all been there." i thought, 'okay! we're bonding!' "Mel, you're a sensitive person." oh. "This.. this is a tough place for sensitive people." aaaandddd there it is!

"Maybe you should consider something else."

"This might just not be for you."

etc, etc.. in my mind, something like this should have followed. because, well, it's true, right? you can't be sensitive and be in emergency medicine. that's like.. being deaf and a musician! right? you just.. can't.

turns out, i didn't know, and instead of steering Dr. King elsewhere, to a different specialty or program, Dr. Langdon said that sensitive people were needed. badly.

"But we need them badly."

just like that. and i remember my mind was elsewhere the rest of that scene. because what? it kept rolling around in my head like a water bottle between car seats. needed. sensitive people like Dr. King, like me, were— are needed. if you wish to go into medicine, you may relate to this sentiment, but there is something so, i guess, paramount, about being needed. it is amongst the driving forces because you know that even if it's hard, even if it's scary or chaotic or just a mess, you are needed. your help has a place and it's guaranteed an outcome. its beautiful. it's anchoring.

anytime i was asked what i wanted to go into, i chose the safest option. what i knew wouldn't fail me: pediatrics. it's lively in there! laughter, babbling, cries that need a little bouncing to soothe.. and minimal death. because i can't handle that. but, for once, i find myself considering that maybe i can do emergency medicine. i had told myself for so long that i just couldn't. other medical students would ask me why (perhaps they saw something in me i didn't), i would go 'i have a strong reaction to death, that's a lot of what you see in the ER. i couldn't handle it.' and that seemed to be solid reasoning. nobody had ever told me that that could be what makes me a doctor. that it might be the very reason i’m needed.

i kinda felt like Dr. Langdon was telling me that.

now, this doesn't mean im set on emergency medicine. even if it means a lot, it's a TV show and i would feel superficial going in with that reason. maybe i wouldn't be able to handle it. i don't know. what i do know and what i have learned from The Pitt is this: doctors are still human. humans are social creatures and we feel things, big things, that sometimes we can't control. some of us are sensitive.

that doesn't make us weak.

that's what makes us human.

and that's beautiful.