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[heyitsryandaniel]

Best Gift: Journey Into The Forsaken Dream

10 May 2024 // 11:32 PM

When I came home, I told myself this night could get rough.

It’s because last night should be long, but I was off (snoozed) which happened a lot.

That’s when you came to me in my dream

I know you’re someone else’s sworn life and death

But you’re the reason and no one here’s to blame

It’s not my fault for manifesting longing into a prayer of run into you sometimes, 

Cuz that’s how I vented out stuff that were never unload off this shoulder,

How or When or Where it’s gonna answer did little to nothing to my concern

Somehow last night something miracle happened.

You were there, features exactly the same like it was our first time met,

I wish I could tell you this:

That I’ve been consumed the miracle move-on drug, they say it’s bitter but better for later.

But these effect were temporary and nowhere to be found, fantasy perhaps.

All of this just to say it was a wonderful journey meeting you again in my dreams. I know exactly it wasn’t a wet dream cuz my brain can’t cut it from these veins as it usually does once awake.

It was just a dream but the heaviness feels surreally feathered away. 

Never have I ever wanted to translate the love I have for you into a solid figure. 

Cuz I know that damage could be on both ends

Initially, the break-apart was not that appealing, although it was painful at first, and still is.

But the point is the greatest gift I get from your departure is 

I get to love you without having you by my side. 

Never would I ever imagine I would get to feel this sense of loving someone in this form.

All these years, people taught that love should be possessed , 

but somehow life has find its way to taught me that loving without having is the another form of love.

that it needs to be earned, and the concept is one side needs to have a sense of losing before it could begin to love without having. 

So I’ll hit the light, and you reach the doors. 

I ain’t leaving this room, till you tell me something that I can’t explain

Oh, for you to tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before, 

it would take another miracle journey into the forsaken dreams.

I hope it was real you,

I love you profoundly,

your absence begs for every piece of good poet in me.

-D-

[heyitsryandaniel]

Black and White Since 2018

23 April 2024 // 1.20 a.m

Y'know what. I started to levelled up. One step.

Never would have imagine to be here after what I've been thru.

But.

You're nowhere closer to be found.

Guessing all these achievements means nothing without the presence of you.

It's like this void that could never be filled simply by having something non-fungible.

Chances are that I can never recover from this.

I'm sorry that it took me forever to get here.

I was trying to show you something different.

I just kinda wish that we weren't so superficial.

To keep it real, I was trying to show you something different.

Which I feel maybe to change the way you think and show you how to plan.

But that doesn't matter anymore, cuz you had your own planned coming up right under my nose.

Agenda was to show you how to build a castle, one brick at a time.

It was never too good to be true at that time, until all that is left was broken promises.

I was gonna show you how to do more.

But never had to imagine it would be you without me by your side.

I knew that you'll be doing better if you only knew more.

But never would have imagined it would be this best.

I knew it’s gonna take more than flying colours of papers just to make you validate me.

Just never knew it would take me more than that just to make me flyer just to be with you. (for real).

Questions are how can you love me and then learnt to let me go. 

How can we fall apart on things that I’ll never know (only you know what I don’t know). 

How can you change your ways for me that took me 3 years to build in exchange for someone to fill in your empty space that merely took a month. 

Tell me, was it really love if I have to ask if you’ll stay everytime I missed to ticked the box out of the wishes. 

Yeah, I got you whom I can’t unlove (even until now)

Someone who’s important to me but now you  attached yourself to your own path which you have someone else that can entirely fit into your interest in ticking your own box of wishes. 

It used to be my job. Now its gone. For real. 

Now it’s clear you’re no longer someone who you used to be and it’s been half a decade now we’re not keeping’ in touch. 

Isn’t it funny that I will never say any names that closed to your name at all because I don’t want anyone to judge you for what you did to me. 

Though all you did was leaving scarred and bruises.

And I keep on praying for God letting me reaching for you for one last time. 

‘Cause my life has never been the same.

It's been black and white since 2018. I miss you. Dearly.  -D-

[heyitsryandaniel]

Six

26 December 2023 // 2:54 a.m

Hey. It’s me again. I hope you’re doing great. Genuinely. Me? I haven’t doing much except being here right at this moment. Just to venting out all of the words that I wanna say to you but I no longer can do that. Forever. 

It goes like this:

*Receives notification:

“Congratulations, your blog turned 6 years old” 

This. 

It struck me about how this space that I have created were actually exist exactly on the day that you left. 

Basically, this space dedicated to you and the moment of your absent, exiting away from my life. For good. A good farewell anniversary I would say. 

I also realise that I have been so mad at the world in its entirety since the day of your absent from my life. 

To top it off, I just finish my studies 6 days ago. But suddenly it hits me.

The realisation of the fact that you are no longer here with me to hear this good news. 

The darker when I completed this phase of my life 6 years after we fall apart. 

I should have to listen to you earlier. I know. 

My bad, for taking the risk for having the dreams for wanting to have a better life for both of us. 

When all I should do was listen to all of what you have said to me. 

This is the price I have to pay, for taking the risk too early. I messed up. 

As always, wishing you were here. Reading this. Just to get all of the gray stuff that you had about me inside you since the day you left until now. 

Deep down, I still wish I can meet you and I wanna say that all of the things that you said about me to others has been partly a lie and misunderstood. 

The saddest part is that I had to live in regrets for having the idea that some people in this world knows something about us that was completely the opposite way. 

You put me in bad place since that day. Until to this day I haven’t heal. 

No matter how bad you have did on that day to me, I will still gonna end up be happy and forgive you. 

Simply because my love for you exceed greatly my frustration towards you.

Please don’t blame me anymore. The frustration comes from the moment where I had no choice to even clearing out the grey stories that were told by you to them. 

I just never had the chance to defends myself. But yet you left me with a label that will gonna cost me greatly until now. 

Despite of that, I still pray for all of the good things to you. 

All I ever wished was to have another chance provided by God in heavens just to talk with you without any bad feelings or grey stuff between us. Because in heavens everything is beautiful. I genuinely hope that I can meet you in heavens and say how much I love you during my times in this world. 

Missing you as if it was the first day of your absent. 

Much love,

-D-

[heyitsryandaniel]

Two World Apart

25 September 2023 // 2:55 a.m

Here, I am wishing for your return. Another day, another night goes by with the same ol' memories haunting me and all of the regrets, unforgivable mistakes, and blames where you were last left on me. How do I know? Started to look at myself very differently and beat myself up. The memories with you were the only thing that gives me hope. You know, like why am I this way after for so long and I keep on falling for this endless loop of relapse, its as if I no longer needed a slapped but somehow needed a kick in the ass once in a while. Lately, this feelings has always been around its as if a natural thing to have a moments of sadness or heaviness in life, despite all of the things that had happens after for six years of progress. It just somehow knows how to caught me right off the bat. Exactly at the spot where it should not be happening again. These kind of feelings persist as if it wanna challenge me right head-to-head. It’s clearly that I have such a very deep and complex feelings to the person that are no longer here with me and this kind of emotions really put a toll on me. Causing me a great deal of pain and regret. Well, as natural as it can be to have these kinds of feelings, especially when reminiscing about all those valuable but yet faded memories that were associated with them, these ain’t bad but also ain’t good for me. As much as it is hard to swallow, it is worth noting that people inevitably change over time. I believe the younger version of me beliefs that circumstances in her life inevitably lead her life to change in different directions. No, don’t get me wrong; her decisions to marry and start a family may have been the biggest blessings that fell upon you. I truly happy for her. Genuinely. All along, I thought 3 years worth of relationship has entitled me (at least I thought so) to predict the possibilities beyond times and circumstances. I thoughts I was ahead of my time, but man I was totally wrong. Therefore, it caught me off guard given the various factors in your life that I may not be aware of during that time. Some other time to continue this.. I couldn’t handle this while typing this. I am just not strong enough. Cuz for all I know, this is me praying that this was the very first page. Not where the storyline ends.

-Le Arrival- 

[heyitsryandaniel]

Chaos Akira

15 January 2023 // 2.49 AM

It’s been almost 2 years that I have managed to getaway from being haunted. 

Somehow this memories is alive and back from the dead. 

It got slipped and managed to find its way to me. 

And I am not gonna lie, that I can still picture everything after all these years months and - heck even days. 

I know it’s been long gone and that spark and magic’s are no longer here no more.

I might be okay but I am not fine at all when this hit me even once. 

‘Cause there we are again in that little unknown street, I almost ran from the scene cause I was screaming inside and fear of lookin’ over you cause you were among the table crowd, whilst me and my dinner was all I had at the corner of the private space, 

We were both there, I remember it all too well. 

And I know it’s been long gone and there was nothing else that I could do now, 

And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to just to be able to be remember this all back again today with no early signs of relapse

If you ask me, honestly, I would still hoping that somewhere in the future that I could have another chance to be end up with you again. 

I’m being hard on myself. 

I know. 

I tried, but I cannot lied to myself that I still wish for your return. 

Though that is impossible to happen. 

-XIII-

[heyitsryandaniel]

Little Talks

 16th April 2020 // 8:12 p.m 

Hey y’all. What’s been up. I've been on rehab since prolly few weeks ago. I guess. why I'm signing up for this? good question. Tbh, there’s an old voice in my head that’s holding me back between my past and what’s ahead of me. It's either to get better understand about the voice, the monster that have been living inside my head that always keeps me awake from sleeping at night or maybe to get rid of it so I can get my life back  (none of this true cuz I can’t keep living like this no more) when I'm in rehab and everytime Imma bout to take a step, I always found myself turn back into relapse.

Some days I can’t even address myself properly. some days Idk if I’m right or wrong. somehow there’s a day where I feel like I’m a complete different person which can deal with things that are thrown at me at a very very optimum level. there’s like more than a person living inside this mortal bodies. it’s like my mind is playing a trick on me. the symptoms may vary. 

Nevermind. soon it will all be over and I’ll bury it along with my past. well that is exactly the moment where I be really looking forward to tell him I miss our little talks. But for now, I gotta win this war and that is against myself. 

Oh by the way, I forgot tell her that I ain’t leave her. Looks like she still don’t figure that shit out. The last time I remembered she only gave me very minimum quality of effort which took her the next day for the respond to reach me. so tell me, is it me or her that leave, dawg? cuz I can’t tell which is right or wrong. 

Anywyay, ‘fore I go. my used to be beloved bff homies the name’s N, I just knew N about to get married less than 7 month from now. Jeez man. When I knew about that news, I got a pretty messed up of mixed feelings. Happy. Blessed. A bit numb.It’s a sign where it’s time for me to let her memories go. Including all the memories that we had together as a Four in 2k15. It’s crazy how 5 years ago you went from first MJ to depression to end up being married this year. And I’m wearing your shoes now. Hell, I’m prolly need to walk a thousand miles now. 

yours truly, 

XIII

[heyitsryandaniel]

Conversation

16th February 2020 // 1:34 a.m

me: aye yo, they've figured.

him: I heard.

me: thought I rockabye you. you sly.

him: I'm part of you, what do you expect?

Me: yeah but that aint the problem. uhm I checked up on her last week. she did mentioned about what I did to her was very thoughtful and kind. but none I remembered!

Him: Aha! you made me do it, remember?

Me: this is not what I signed up for.

Him: that's the price you had to pay. you lose some you gain some. remember when you were mentally weak? I warned you about what you wish for even though I was still in those unconcious state.

Me: those were the days where I was still naive.

Him: right, I saw. you let them mentally tortured you. you let your guards down, I am the one who brought up the wall as high as the alexander the great. cold as soldier. thought you want a savior?

Me: I wish for a savior , not a monster!

Him: we're Psychopath. nothing can ever make any sense to anyone. even your mum called you crazy.

Me: just one problem

Him: Ya ya, you coward. you let their voice goes inside your mind. you outta your mind. looks like you run out of faith in our plan.

Me: then guide me

Him: nah uh. I'll be back when you get your shit together. unless they wanna keep pocking, provoking emotionally unstable me.

Me: all I ever needed to do is reclaim what belongs to me right? then they won't bother no more, right?

Him: right. till then. sincerely your beloved spectrum, Le Arrival.

[heyitsryandaniel]

The Four

9:12 p.m // 1.9.19

First and foremost, I’m dedicating this post to three person that are no longer here. Whom I might say that losing all of you might be among my biggest fear that had happened. 

Dear N, I & L

As I typing this down one by one, I’m fully self aware in my mind and my soul that I’m still thinking about you guys while the memories that we had together back in 2014 & 2015 were playing reminiscing like a movie inside my brain in the background of that memories. To N & I, did you know today is L big day? (Congratulation to you L) Yeah, both of you were right even me and her can not stop destiny interfere and split us both into two different path. I’ve tried my best, but God knows what’s best for her now. It was all my fault. I’m sincerely sorry that four of us now are not together again. At this point I’m the only one left who still stick with the memories and feelings longing for all of us to sit together and asking for one more last chance to have a talk thru heart-to-heart

N, I know it’s already been 4 years now since the last time we talk. I’m sorry because I made you think that I’m not a good friend. Back then, I never thought that I would really be love you as we gradually building our connection thru vibing almost every single night at your place. As time goes on, I already felt like youre very close to me as if youre my very closed sister that really understand me. You’re the very first one to ever go away. I miss you. Ive been wondering if you ever still on meds prescription. If you do, I hope that youre getting better each day. I know you’re a strong person, if not why I feel like youre my sister, right?

I, bro, it’s been hard for me to let go of you when L & me decided to let go of you right after N left three of us. It’s not your fault tho, but it’s because we think that you need someone better and for your sake to be grow. And guess what, that decision backfired on me a few years later which is now. It is because I cannot find anyone who has the same character and same energy like you did. Now, I’m suffering with pain of longing you to sit here next to me and next to N. Never have I ever thought that your almost like a brother to me. I love you too brother. I’m serious. 

Finally, L, congratulation on your big day today. I just found out about this a few weeks ago. It’s already been a year now since you decided to let me go. I thought I already overcome this pain of guilty but as I came back in kL a month ago and I found out about your news, instantly at that very moment, all of the memories about us have triggered me which led me into this never ending pain. Well, was I totally wrong about my own feelings. and I falling deeply again into this feelings of regret. Tbh, I still can’t find a way to forgive myself although I tried many times but my lips can say anything I want but the hearts doesn’t think so. 

Now, all of this doesn’t matter as you guys move forwards, I’ll try to persistently follow. But for now, it doesn’t seems like an end yet. this will gonna cost me a few years to overcome this feelings towards three of you. I wanna flow it out more, but I guess this is where the borderline should start. Thank you guys for all the meaningful life that we used to had together. Goodbye N, I & L. 

-XIII

[heyitsryandaniel]

Red flag.

19th Aug 2019 // 3.16 a.m 

LIFE. Eventually has it’s own unique way to make us do something that we don’t plan or don’t want to do. But eventually at the end, we still gonna do it wether you like it or not (meaning: do things that is not do any harm to anyone such as violence). As in my case was I have no intention to go back here in this space as most of the things here mostly hard to swallowed. 

Often time, we always forget that in life we always have options to choose and that decisions it’s always a step away from every consequences wether good or bad. It just that it always happen in a very different scene in someone’s life. People who able or tend to make a very good decisions tend to gain a self respect and confidence deep inside themselves and they tend to have a better life ahead and they like keep that sense to themselves as they don’t want people who don’t make a good decisions in life to oppose a threat to that sense and no wonder why. 

It’s because people who don’t have or don’t make a wise decisions are always easy to get hurt. They’re so vulnerable that they even can’t stand for themselves without a proper judgement. They always think they can outright things that they stands for but in reality they’re delusional and clouded by improper judgement. For God sake, only God know’s beneath them and how miserable these people are and they always find themselves in a very similar loops every time they make unfortunate decisions as long as they don’t get out from this side to the other side. 

To me, making a poor decisions in life is my terms of red flag which I cannot trigger at any point in my life but once I trigger it, it gonna cost me a consequences which only God knows what’s gonna happens next. As I’m typing this, I realize that a year ago I did the same thing which I’ve made a very poor and stupid mistake(decisions) by CHOICE. Although, at that time I can just have decided to take a different route or walk away or something better. Even though this is too late to recognize the conclusion, but if you ever have the chance to walk away from something that’s gonna cost you bad consequences in return, please please please walk away peacefully. 

Now, I’m just waiting the consequences to hit my face. Idk what’s gonna happen next as I have nothing to lose because on metaphorically wise I almost have nothing to lose cuz I don’t have anything much besides myself and my lovely people who still love me and have a little faith on me. Till we meet again. except not here but on the other side of good decisions and proper life. Cheers. 

from most emotional intelligence spectrum, 

-Le Arrival. 

[heyitsryandaniel]

From heroes to villain

10:55 p.m // 31st December 2018

I done did a lot of things in my day, I admit it I don't take back what I say, if I said it then I meant it. I ain't no gangster, but I got some heavy anger.

I might run at you hard like a sumo. They say I talk like a chulo. You have play your cards, I reverse on you all. I might just draw four like a Uno. I've been alone, and I never needed nobody just me, papi and madre. I just pray to God that papi and madre will be alright now. When I die I'm goin' out as the underdog who never lost hope.

I done said a lotta things in my day, I admit it. This is payback in a way, I regret it that I did it. Wasn't in it for the recognition, just the fuckin' revenge. Fuck's the difference?

They're askin' me "What the fuck happened to me?" I said "I don't have any answers" cause I took an L when my shit don't turn into my favor. It hurt me like hell but I'm back on these lonely road and actually coming from humble beginnings. I wish I could say "What a wonderful feeling!"

We're on the upswing like we're punchin' the ceiling but nothin' is feeling like anyone has any fuckin' ability to even stick to a subject, it's killin' me, the inability to pin humility.

I don't hate trap, and I don't wanna seem mad but in fact, where the old me at? The same dawg that would take that feedback and aim back, I need that but I think it's inevitable. They know what button to press or what lever to pull to get me the snap though. If I pay it attention I'm probably makin' it bigger

But you've been takin' the dicks in the fuckin' back, ho (get it?)

On the brink, any minute got me thinkin' of finishin' everything as I peak into thinkin' about an evil intent 'cause I'ma end up bein' a villain. It's the moment y'all been waitin' for.

I'm workin' tirelessly since my downfall from the TG to the SOG still the same fzad that got Le Arrival as the OG.

-Le Arrival-

[heyitsryandaniel]

Empathy.

29th Oct 2018 // 6.30 p.m 

Sitting here in a fully solitude while trying to reach an area where I can find a clarity in order for me to type all this down. I know, I have been way overdue since the last post which was in August? or maybe September? Idk. doesn’t really matter. In fact that’s not where I’m trying go right now. Here I am where I think I have reach a level where I am myself as a whole again. From the past few months, all I’ve been doing was just trying to make other people’s happy and not me. 

I tried too hard until I was worn out since week 4 until it get worst in week 5 to week 6 which was my last week on that day. I hate to admit that entittlement to something is something that I was hate for someone to do but it’s actually me who have been doing that because the lack of my empathy towards myself. I always thought everything was against me but the truth is it’s actually me who have been against myself.

I don’t think I’m always right. But most of the time when something against me, I know for a fact that I am right. The outcomes or the results always manifest itself. And that totally opposite from what I believe and from what I have been doing. Judging myself based on that particular outcomes or reasons won’t make me any better. 

I have been looked up to my closest family just to share everything that have been going on inside of my head. They said they want to hear everything from me because I don’t usually open up to anyone. It’s like a hidden treasure for them or their kind of prize possession just to gain what they think they usually get from others but not from me. Then, when I started to let it all out they thought that I wasn’t supposed to act like that or they thought the way I’ve been telling them wasn’t the way they want it to hear and when that happen I instantly feel sorry for them for not having enough empathy and for not able to see what I can see. I can directly felt they just lack sense of humanity. Including me. Most of the time. 

I think we all need more dosage of empathy and less of an entittlement. I don’t think I deserved to make other people happy by give up my faith. At the same time I feel sorry for any person who told me to make them happy because I don’t want to resent them in the long run. I just can’t breathe without empathy. No need to be understand and it is are meant to not be understand. But, what this is all about is I want this to be more like of a feeling connection instead of a figure related. Anything that is related to figure and physical is not permanent. But spiritual connection and feelings stay. Always. 

Sincerely both spectrum,

Le Arrival & XIII

[heyitsryandaniel]

July.. August.. Set, Go!

2nd August 2018 // 2:08 a.m

It’s beeeeeeen a month since my last posted back on June. Reason why I don’t spend much time here as much as before because there has been so many things going around inside and outside of my life. From received an interviewed, went to a job interviewed, until my grandma admitted into hospital for high blood pressure. It’s been a rough month even though July is the month that I came into this world 23 years ago. Yeah I’m already in the early phase of becoming an adult and in society I’m already count as old and running out of time. Wait, what? Who started this kind of fucked up system by judging people’s age while determine and telling people’s life based on the current age that we lived in. Fuck that culture. I kind of tired of hearing the same shit over and over again. Like,, “you’re 23. don’t you think you’re supposed to be doing and/or achieved what anybody else has” or “kids at your age already have got degree,jobs and families” . Screw that man. Why do you want to be trapped in a rat race that most people ended up in the real life and killing themselves on the inside. I don’t want to be stuck into that kind of environment/or game. Nobody wants that in a world where humans capabilities almost limitless when it comes to mindset.

[PERSONAL LIFE]

Never have I ever imagine that I could forget the pain that my former partner have left inside of me might be this fast.

[LIFE PROGRESS]

I think after what I have been through in the past since 2013 until now including relationship that took three years to finally relalize that we didn;t meant for each other. All of that have shaped me into who I am today. I can say I don’t achieve anything much yet, but what I can tell that I already make a progress. At least I realize that I am not staying in one place especially living in this era where time already become a commodity. 

I will not be the same person as I am today anymore. I am going to be a better person from now. I am trying so hard not to go back to being the old version of me. Everyone knows, I have done a terrible mistake. Life must goes on wether you like it or not. It’s about binary. Offense or defense. Choose wisely. I’m already over it. What’s really important to me is what waiting for me in the long run.

XIII

[heyitsryandaniel]

Damaged on survive

9:58 p.m // 22nd June 2018

Sitting here in the kitchen while waiting for my instant noodle to cook. I have been eating unhealthy food lately. Idk which is worst my health or my feeling. I think both. Well, nothing good happen today except my broken feelings still inside, other than that nothing much.

My business proposal idea got rejected even before I submit it to the officer(why they don't put any memo or notice regarding the T&C before I applying ?! Sheesshh). The girl that I loved whole heartedly have left me and shattered my heart into pieces(yeah. It's freaking hurting me right now even just typing this my heart get hurt by itself. Sobs). It's freaking painful for me just to deny this hurtful feelings. Sometimes I almost get caught by my own feelings. I try to fix my life, but somehow it didn't work out yet. So far, this is all I have got. It's not fancy, it's not beautiful, it's not pretty anymore around here. Just a mess, ugly and deep dark life.

I hope there is still chance and space for me to be in this world. For now, I will just keep surviving and thriving. Could it be any worst? What else do I need to lose? Nobody knows.

XIII

[heyitsryandaniel]

Everything just fucking painful

6:22 p.m // 20th June 2018

I thought everything have figure out between me and you but it doesn’t seems like any more road ahead of us. It’s just fucking painful. Now, things getting worst. I know I can’t hold it any longer even how hard I try. Now I can say that, I am not fucking okay. I am not fucking okay. I am not fucking okay. My life is not fucking okay! I am tired of keep faking as if my life okay even though it’s not! I’m fucking tired with all of this. I know this looks fucking messed up and toxic in here. I never let anyone know how things been going on but this time I let it all out. 

I thought we could be together but I was wrong. I tried so fucking hard to repent and make it all right once again like we used to be when we were still young. I thought the more we spent together the more we realize that we need each other strongly in presence, mental and spiritual. I have love you so fucking much that I even forget to think about myself. I fucking care about you that I can’t even sleep without knowing you’re safe and sound. You tear me apart. This is so fucking painful my dear. 

I have done so much good and you still look the one bad thing I have done? Things were okay from the past a month ago. Your friends blowed up everything I have done to you. Why you have to listen to your friends instead of talking to me and have a talk of how to make our relationship better instead of tearing all this apart? Your friend fucking hate me? I fucking hate third party like your friend who love to see other people get crushed in relationship. Why are you so blind ? that your friend is not a good friend. A good friend should pray good things to other people. 

XIII

[heyitsryandaniel]

A Sinner.

14th June 2018// 1:05 a.m

Well here I am again. For those who wonder where my previous post was, it because I have deleted it. The post have mix of feelings which is really confusing to digest(technically it means bipolar) but today I come with the dark feelings. It's getting darker once I thought everything has figure out between us but the truth is I am still a sinner who his sin will never ever be forgiven by her. I know I am the one who always to be blame because it was me who did it. ME! STUPID PERSON WAS ME. I never see myself as good or noble person. I allow anybody to tell me that I'm bad,a criminal, a sinner, disobey servant who deserve to be in hellfire forever, anything! Yes, that's right. That's what I feel about myself right now. I can't still forgive myself how could I deserve to get her again. Deep inside I feel like to scream out loud. Funny though because at some point I may look like acting like a victim but the truth is I am the bad one. I'm the one who caused all this mess. How things can go from one good story to a broken pieces in just a few sentences. I don't even have that kind of power. I'm just a sinner and a weak human. I have nothing. Nothing I feel really matter.

[heyitsryandaniel]

Blessing and & Grateful

1:11 a.m / May 12th 2018

Alhamdulillah for everything have happen until today. Everything getting back into it's place piece by piece. Ramadhan is just around the corner so I bet this blessing happen because of that.I want Ramadhan this year to have most impact on my life.

[heyitsryandaniel]

I'm awake

27th April 2018 // 07:41 p.m

Today is the day I realize that I want and need to be a mature adult because it is the requirement for me to keep me move from one point to another without destroy what I already have. This is the price that I'm gonna pay in order for me to protect the one that I really love in my life.