heyyoufathead - Tumblr blog

[heyyoufathead]

I’m struggling to be a compassionate listener for my dad, when he calls to complain about my mom. Sometimes I’ll make gentle inquiries or suggestions but he immediately dismisses them. He’s obviously stressed out and in need of some type of help but he won’t ask directly or accept any new ideas. All I can do is listen and try not to let my irritation (and apathy) come through too much.

[heyyoufathead]

I’m finding so much joy in sitting in the sunshine, having some coffee, listening to all the birds and watching my dogs wander around the yard.

[heyyoufathead]

I’m a 48 year-old woman but I was once a 15 year-old girl, you know?

[heyyoufathead]

my soul pupper has a mass on his stomach that’s pressing against his pancreas. it’s either an abscess or cancer. the best treatment is surgical removal but the survival rate isn’t great (especially since he’s almost 10 and has epilepsy) so he’s on a low-fat diet and good pain meds. i’m keeping him comfortable and happy until the time comes…and i don’t know how long it will be. weeks? months? another year if i’m lucky. my heart is completely broken.

[heyyoufathead]

I’m bone-weary. My soul dog has pancreatitis (and started limping). There are warning lights on in my car that require attention. My foot hurts more every week. I’m burnt out from working double-shifts and still have no extra money. I dropped out of my online program. I haven’t had sex in months. Am I even a person anymore?

[heyyoufathead]

my former friend’s famous husband died unexpectedly yesterday and my heart is broken for her

[heyyoufathead]

I’d rather be annoyed by my feelings than actually feel them.

And I’m really tired of other people’s bullshit.

[heyyoufathead]

I signed up for alliterative scale gazers program today.

And I'm going back onto my weekly diabetes medication injection tomorrow.

I want less inflammation. I want more energy.

I want my heel to stop hurting.

[heyyoufathead]

what if I fully contain, hold, love, support, validate and nourish myself?

what if I stand in confidence with humility and grace?

what if I learn to cultivate and practice compassion and patience in ways that don’t deplete me?

what if I don’t share every thought?

what if I don’t share my thoughts unless I’m directly asked?

what if?

[heyyoufathead]

I find myself back in hot water.

I’m taking a bath, so…

Alright, I find myself back in dangerously habitual water. Not exercising, binge eating, isolating.

I’m overstimulated and manically depressed.

I’ve called off work tomorrow and spent about $75 having food delivered today.

I’m looking for another job, ready to scrap the plans I was excited to make for myself out of fear and exhaustion.

I’m lashing out at my partner and I resent having to do my daily regular tasks.

I don’t see my therapist again until mid-January. So FUCK.

I never went back on my diabetes medication that caused/helped me to lose almost 75 lbs. I’ve put about 30 lbs back on and I mostly enjoy eating like a trash goblin. Mostly.

Except when I’m using food to numb out. Which is getting to be every day.

Fuck.

It’s a full moon?

[heyyoufathead]

notes to self:

happiness is a choice.

being kind and gentle is a choice.

compassion is a choice.

self-care is a choice.

loving yourself is a choice.

no one is going to make that choice for you but you.

[heyyoufathead]

long time no see. or say.

i’m not sure if the prp injections worked. my achilles is still a little puffy. i have another month in my ankle brace then i have to buy $500 orthotics.

we adopted a foster puppy. he is the sweetest, most chill and agreeable little guy. even my cranky old man dog is warming up to him. and the dogpile naps are the BEST!

i paid $600 for x-rays to rule out a bowel obstruction - turns out i was just (literally) full of shit.

i stopped taking the weekly injectable that helped me lose 70lbs over the past year bc i enjoy being able to poop.

the food noise in my head is back, and the weight is slowly creeping back but i suspect that’s because i’m eating like an angry toddler.

i’m not doing all the self-care things and i know i need to get back to my better habits soon, lest the bad ones become my regular setting again.

i’ve been at my new job for just over 2 months now and it is HARD. forces me to have more patience and compassion, and it’s rough on the heart.

my youngest moved out in july and being empty-nesters has been noice. now my middle is asking to move back in bc they raised his rent. sigh.

[heyyoufathead]

the scale says 138 and that makes me happy

[heyyoufathead]

hello again, friend of a friend, I rewatched Scott Pilgrim the other night.

i still need this space to write but, more and more, i’m working things out in my head or in real time or with my therapist.

i’m having PRP injections in my foot on Tue and i’m not nervous. just not thrilled about being in a Jones cast for a month. then back in the walking boot (i’ve been clomping around in for the past 2 months) for 6 weeks of physical therapy, then an ankle brace for 3 months.

don’t wear crocs, kiddies. or do but don’t walk your dog in them and roll your foot?

also, for reasons, i really miss my old man dog. i can’t believe it’s been a year and a half.

[heyyoufathead]

lying in bed, listening to SZA and marveling at the fact that i now fit into women’s size L shorts. straight size large. not XL. not plus-size

[heyyoufathead]

the things i worry about other people thinking about me are the things i secretly think about myself

[heyyoufathead]

this season of yellowjackets has fucked my shit all the way up