hhwkye

[hhwkye]

The most relatable moment from spongebob for me is when he went over to Sandy’s house for the first time and was too polite and socially nervous to tell her he was slowly dying

[hhwkye]

somebodys gonna take the “socializing in a friendly manner with the FBI agent monitoring me” too literally and make a whole rant about how it’s actually really horrible that we’re humanizing and undemonize the fbi and it’s creepy big brother schtick and half of the website is gonna feel guilty and embarrassed for laughing at this joke and will avoid posts that even mention the fbi and the other half are gonna send death threats to the op of the original post and they’re gonna get driven off of tumblr saying some shit like “I’ve realized how toxic and unwelcoming this website is I need some time for myself” and then months later somebody’s gonna point out how it was a coping mechanism form of humor because we literally can do nothing about the fbi monitoring us and then everyone will feel stupid no matter what side they took and we’ll all silently agree to never bring it up again until five years from now in one of those “memes from 2018” posts

[hhwkye]

[hhwkye]

i could write essays about andy samberg’s influence on incomprehensible millennial humor but the gist of it is that every snl/the lonely island bit he’s ever done (specifically the mm watcha say sketch but i could point to others) laid the groundwork for all the nonsense jokes we make today and we should be thanking him

[hhwkye]

we millennials gotta let gen z in on whether something is a joke or not they’re out there eating detergent pods bc they took “forbidden snack” too literally

[hhwkye]

business email glossary

thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"

thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up

would you be so kind: fucking do it

best: i have never physically met you

all best: this conversation is over

all my best: i wish you would die

happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox

i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do

i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to

sorry to chase: answer my email

so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me

please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem

i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it

i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to

i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to

can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to

per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone

great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone

thanks!: i'm not mad at you

thanks!!: please don't be mad at me

thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk

please advise: this might be your fault

kindly advise: this is entirely your fault

mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator

can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email

sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot

let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again

Reblogging to add a direct quote that I used today -

Please respect my work process: just do it the way I told you to and stop arguing with me, I don't care what you think

[hhwkye]

Daisy Ridley talking about being in Star Wars in the future is a big mood

[hhwkye]

me normally: fuck capitalism.. it’s a rigged system that keeps us poor and subjugated and it isn’t fair… you shouldn’t need to work 3 jobs to afford basic necessities the people at the top couldn’t even spend that money in five lifetimes

me playing monopoly: sorry sweaty if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor :)

[hhwkye]

[hhwkye]

tumblr is a very bad website but outsiders call it bad for all the wrong reasons

[hhwkye]

god, i haven’t cha cha slid since high school

[hhwkye]

locking eyes with the spirit rummaging through the fridge at 3 am and waiting your turn because you know how it is

[hhwkye]

buzz aldrin looks like he’s about to tie trump to a rocket and launch him off into space

[hhwkye]

[hhwkye]

[hhwkye]

Me in the early evening: *studiously doing homework, listening to instrumental music, very focused*

Me two hours later: *upside down in my desk chair* do you think stars have feelings

[hhwkye]

hawaiian shirt + dark bags under eyes is a good look… it says yeah i would really love to be carefree and relaxed right now but certain circumstances have made that impossible