hidden-desires

[hidden-desires]

I may or may not think about you a lot. Some part of me wants to know more, but the other part of me wants to pull away

[hidden-desires]

Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about anything and everything

[hidden-desires]

It’s crazy how much faith you have in me. Sometimes I just wish you would want to spend the time with me

[hidden-desires]

I love this trend and chatGPT did so well

I met my younger self for coffee this morning. She arrived a little early, nervously stirring her drink, worried about saying the wrong thing. I smiled, knowing that feeling all too well.

She asked if she was doing okay, if she was on the right path. I wanted to tell her she didn’t have to earn rest, that productivity wasn’t the measure of her worth. I wanted to promise her that the weight of others expectations would get lighter, that she’d learn to set it down.

Instead, I just took a sip of my coffee and told her she was stronger than she thought. That she was allowed to change, to grow, to take up space. She looked skeptical, but I could see the hope flicker in her eyes.

Before we parted, I told her to be kind to herself. To listen to her body, to trust herself more, to breathe. She nodded, tucking the words away like a secret.

As she walked away, I realised maybe I needed to hear them, too.

[hidden-desires]

One of the hardest things is knowing I’ve come so far, but I still struggle to see myself the same way others do.

[hidden-desires]

it’s the best feeling to know how far we’ve come, but it’s also scary knowing that I could mess things up at any moment

[hidden-desires]

There are just some things that no matter how many times you think about it, it just doesn’t seem fair or real.

A year on, I’ve moved through so much, but I still can’t get past just how much hearing you were gone broke me.

[hidden-desires]

It’s actually really sad looking back at the things I put up with. I put up with breadcrumbs for years from people. People basically telling me to prove I was enough to be around them or criticising me for being me. These days, if I’m not enough see you later. I’m not going to convince you that I’m good enough for anyone to be in my life

[hidden-desires]

“My anxiety is silent. You wouldn’t even notice a change on the outside but I’m honestly so stressed I can’t even manage simple tasks. People call me lazy when in reality I’m just overwhelmed.”

— Unknown

[hidden-desires]

How is it nearly a year that you’ve been gone. You should be here. That’s the part that still kills me

[hidden-desires]

It’s interesting how you’ve felt like you were helping, but actually all those conversations instilled was that who I was, wasn’t good enough and it only mattered how much I weighed.

[hidden-desires]

If I could go back, I would tell my younger self you are so much stronger than you realise. I would encourage myself to love myself more and not settle for the bread crumbs people gave me for years that I accepted because something is better than nothing.

[hidden-desires]

We just never know what words will stay with someone. The impact they will have.

I think a lot about the words you once said and I really hope one day I see what you saw and what others see now.

[hidden-desires]

I don’t have the energy to be mad at you, but I’m also not dumb enough to trust you anymore. It’s true what they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

[hidden-desires]

If you’re paranoid enough to be looking through your partners messages and messaging people you don’t even know because they responded to a message.

I think you should be talking to your partner and looking into your obvious trust issues.

[hidden-desires]

When you’re forced to sit with feelings instead of avoiding them.

When it becomes more and more apparent that that’s what I’ve always done until I’m unable to anymore.

Happy birthday. Even though we barely talked in years, your passing still hurts me the most #forever31

[hidden-desires]

I will try and try again but once I’m done, I’m done and sometimes I can’t even explain what it is about what a person does, that makes me decide I can’t continue absorbing everything.