hiddenangel95

[hiddenangel95]

Mandi bunga

I think i should do mandi bunga to buang sial in my life. Life after high school, my life started to be so sial like i feel I’ve been cursed. Ada je benda yang buruk jadi. Either for studies , relationships , body image and career and this is not STOP until now , at the age of 30. I just feel so done of the sial things happened in my life and i will do everything it takes to buang sial in me.

I have several plan to buang sial. I hope these work.

- mandi bunga frequently

- wear jade and crystal

- go to Bali for soul cleansing and buang sial

- meet fortune teller ( for fun )

- ask for fengshui advices from Chinese people

- meet uztaz , to check what happen to me either ada gangguan or not

- mandi daun bidara and salt

- guna minyak attar malaikat subuh

[hiddenangel95]

Couldn’t get it over

Call me cry baby or whatever but truth to be told i still couldn’t get rid of Mel from my life. I have no idea why but maybe what he did to was too intense to digest.

I hold grudges towards him until now. The feeling is really killing me to that point i really have a homicide ideation to make sure he will die.

I was being lied for so many times. Over and over again. The betrayal is just too much. I kept thinking how Icha could move on from him after 8 yea relationships and disrespects. Maybe because she has a husband, that made her life worth living again. She has a son now.

May God put him in the utter painful death. You know who.

Ameen

[hiddenangel95]

Weight

I’ve been always on diet mode since i was 18 after i gaining weight during post SPM. I was 55kg during 2013 and managed to be skinny back around 2014. I used to be in 45kgs- 48kgs and people always called me “ kecik “ and petite. They weren’t wrong because my height just 148cm but after few yoga sessions, my height increased to 151cm.

To be honest i feel embarrassed of my height because all my siblings are tall, they are above average. My dad is a tall person but my mom not really short, she is 154cm.

It’s not easy to maintain the weight when you are short, if you gain 2-3kgs you gonna look fat because of your height.

I should started taking care of myself during covid. I did take antidepressants and that lead to massive gain weight but if i took extra care to eat less and eat more fibre and protein maybe… the weight is manageable.

Even though i successfully losing 15kgs now but i do have sagging skin and lots of stretch marks. Sometimes i cry because i feel bad, i feel ugly. In order to tone and reduce the sagging skin , i need to lifting weights and that’s not easy. I always crash out at the gym, feeling hopeless. Sometimes i lifting weights and dumbbells with tears rolling on my cheeks remembering how Melvin said “ i tak boleh accept perempuan gemuk “ after the trip from Pangkor. I was actually still too stunned to speak when he said that because at the exact moment, i was battling with the pain of my vagina and uterus. I still in shock after he decided to pancut dalam even though i said NO and it was the fucked up moment for me to digest and comprehend and i felt like being RAPED by him.

He never say sorry at all instead he kept blaming me i had viginismus and he used to say when he pancut dalam to Sha and Icha is different because he loved them and he met their parents. This guy is full of shit , i tell you. The AUDACITY to act like nothing happened , merosakkan anak dara orang and pancut dalam and he didn’t want to responsible about it is insane.

Takde apa yang aku harapkan Melvin tu mati accident , mati rentung. Tu je doa aku sepanjang hayat ni

[hiddenangel95]

Things i need to work the most on my personality :

- Be humble. Not everyone is given equal opportunity and living in poverty is not the choice for basic human beings want to

- Be aware to stay calm, peace and regulate my emotions.

- Be kind. It takes 0 cost to be in kindness and spread the love

- Be cautious of my choices of words. Don’t curse, yell and shout when in extreme pain and anger.

- Think before reacting and responding

- Listen more and talk less. Talking takes my energy

- Be in silence more. Avoid crowded places, party, events and extroverts

- Be honest. Honesty is the best policy.

- Don’t hurt feelings to the people who i love the most.

- Be appreciative. Say thank you more. Give more recognition for any achievements

- Be kind to my soul and myself. I deserve this

- Celebrate every success. Even the small ones

- Be more emotional intelligence.

- Read books more and journalling more. It helps to sharpen my thoughts and my communication skills

- Perseverance, resilience and come back stronger.

[hiddenangel95]

I wish , the one who i love the most kissed my forehead and said “ Congratulations Ziqa, I’m so proud of you “.

Since last year i’ve been working hard, hoping hard and praying hard for my career. I made decisions to come to KL after years of remote working just to be closer to the guy i adore the most. I knew if i was in KL , at least i had him on my back and i knew i wasn’t alone like i used to be in East Lansing.

But it’s not the same anymore.

He is no longer in my life.

I decided to migrate to be far away from Kuala Lumpur and Malaysia.

Sayonara

[hiddenangel95]

[hiddenangel95]

A year of peace and revenge

After what i was going through with Melvin, i would say now i healed better. I still crying sometimes in middle of the night but my inner peace getting stronger. I completely changed being a new person. My skin glowing, my weight dropping and i feel so much peaceful. No one is triggering my nervous system anymore. I feel safe in my own universe . I don’t feel being hunted anymore. I have an amazing support from friends and my mom.

After a year of constant revenge, i would say i never felt a single regret at all. He deserved those all of the shitty treatment. The revenge is for all women that he played , gamed and manipulated. For Kak Icha, Erlia and Kak Sha especially.

I hope what i did to him gave him a permanent scars in his life … as much what he did to my life.

I’m looking forward to hear the news of his death. It will be my happiest day

[hiddenangel95]

I really really wanna be rich. I always wonder how people can successfully earn 20k-30k per month. How you guys do that?

I personally think the only way to be financially stable is to migrate to other country. To be honest i am completely okay as long as i earn money, for working because poverty really make me in trauma.

I really really wanna be rich. I am okay working hard in life as long as i am rich

[hiddenangel95]

The Hardest Skill in the World

Listening seems easy—until you actually try it.

Not hearing. Not nodding while mentally drafting your rebuttal. But real listening.

The kind that waits. The kind that slows your breath. The kind that says, “I’m not the center of this moment. You are.” In a world that rewards volume, speed, and certainty, listening is a countercultural act. 

It doesn’t feed your ego. It won’t trend. It doesn’t finish the sentence.

But it does build bridges. It can crack open walls. It will make room for the sacred. 

Because sometimes, the most important voice in the room is the one you’ve been talking over— including God’s.

The loudest voice isn’t always the wisest. The first answer isn’t always the truest. And the best response? Might just be the pause.

So today: Be quick to listen. Slow to speak. Slower still to react.

You might be amazed what you hear when you're not the one doing the talking.

Source: The Hardest Skill in the World

[hiddenangel95]

Guilt trip

It’s hard to battling with Melvin memories even it’s been a year we didn’t meet each other. I still battling with the feeling of pain being gamed, lied and played with the constant heavy guilty feelings of all the revenge that i did to him. I had no emotional intelligence during that phase and Apple helped me so much to grow my emotions to be more empathy and trying to be understanding person.

Maybe i just born with kindness but my bipolar side just being my bad bitch of my another persona. I still vividly remember how i yelled at him few times, crying almost the times and gave him constant messages of cursing and hurt his feelings.

The things that I learned about my failed relationship with Melvin are ;

1) Don’t contact anyone’s exes. Just don’t

2) Seek for clarity the intention of getting to know each other

3) Try to understand why the person still having issues with his exes, give advices and solutions of what he can do to resolve the issues to seek the peace

4) Be honest. Honesty is the best policy. Be honest of your emotions, your feelings and your thoughts. Be honest that you want to be loved wholeheartedly and the connections is just about you and him, no more talking about other people. Be honest about what you feel being treated like the way he treated you

5) When things get confusing, ask!

6) Explain to him the long ass messages is not into arguments but more the way you express your feelings

7) No sex before marriage. Just no. It will cause the whole loads of trouble in your heart and mind

8) When he touched you without consent, just say no and and be expressive that you wanted to be respected and had boundaries. Ask consent before anything. Don’t tolerate with sexual jokes, sexual harassment and sexual assault. Be bold , be brave , don’t be scared. Don’t scared to lodge police reports afterwards

9) Have patience. Be in silence to regulate the mood and emotions. Don’t yell

10) Blocking button is a huge invention. Straight away to block him after seeing the redflags and perverts attitude. Just block.

11) Put yourself first before anything else. Protect yourself. You are matters and your body matters. Your life matters. Put your mental health first as priorities

[hiddenangel95]

A Secret

No one knows that i was graduated very late, in the middle of Covid. When JPA sent me back to Malaysia ( I was the one who asked to go back home ), most of the people in my family and relatives thought i was dropping out of the school. I wasn’t, instead i asked the university to continue my semester from Malaysia because i need to be in my home country. I wasn’t feel safe in East Lansing, i felt extremely anxious and depressed because of its cold weather , and after the shootings accident, things were different. East Lansing was different . I asked for appeals from JPA to continue my studies.

Not even my parents knew about this. No one single human being knew about this. Sometimes it was good to see how people perceived you, viewed you when you were on top then you were in trouble in your undergraduate. Some people just wanted to see you fall and clap and be happy about your downfall. I felt like i can see the whole true colours of many people. This including Melvin

I really proud of my achievements to be honest. It’s wasn’t easy. But it was worth it. Graduated during Covid was so not impressive and lonely

I entered to Uitm Jasin as master student in software engineering before ended up dropping out after i got new job offer from Transcosmos and my application for scholarship was rejected. I wanted to apply the Chavening Scholarship but I just feel like I wasn’t good enough for it and thinking to go to UK must be another painful experience.

I met this one amazing gentleman during working hours, he asked for the recommendation of good MacBooks and i was in Product Zone section helping him out introducing the good features from the MacBooks that we have in Apple Store. We talked for quite almost an hour and he asked me what was i majoring during uni, and i said Neuroscience. He smiled and said he did Phd in Neuroscience too. So i talked to him how much i wanted to earn my master degree but i couldn’t afford to pursue it due to financial constraints and he said he currently under Khazanah Scholarship studying abroad. He asked me to email him whenever i need help and he help me to write a letter of recommendation for the scholarship.

When i checked his LinkedIn i was shocked because he pursuing his Phd in Oxford. He was graduated from Cambridge and working as Neuro Consultants in Sunway Medical. What a smart guy !

I couldn’t believe there is Malaysian studying in Cambridge and Oxford because when i knew to enroll those universities wasn’t easy at all. Maybe he could be my motivation in life that everything is possible if you believe in yourself. He is very impressive!

[hiddenangel95]

A Little Glance

Recently I kinda feel hopeless about my my everything. Raya isn’t that enjoyable unless the quality moment to be able to talk to Umi.

Most of my Raya , i just spend my time at home helping Umi at the kitchen. I don’t talk much. At night i just busy updating my resume and portfolio.

So i did do some research for fun of my own name and i was kinda shocked with my findings.

I was ranked quite good when i was in F4 and bear in mind this is final exam ranking entire SBP the whole Malaysia. I just so speechless how i could be that smart when i was a teenager. Yeah i scored 7A+ 2As for my Spm before during university i was falling for severe depression.

Sometimes it’s really good to remind yourself that who you are before in life. I missed being surrounded with all scholars and with oversea graduated people where talking about everything is just so easy and they really get me what i am talking about.

When I closed with Hazmi ( he went to STAR Ipoh and graduated from Japan university ), talking about life is so much easier with him. He really get it how hard it is living abroad for years , the loneliness and depression. For some reason i strongly think he is a VERY SMART person where he successfully graduated in Japan without having basic in Japanese Language.

He indeed doing good in his career life and working as electrical engineer in Japanese company and he has another his own semiconductor company with his business partner. He is doing so well in his finance, i would say he is rich and financially stable in very young age. He bought a house at the age of 26 , having a hybrid car imported from Japan and very career oriented person.

Very workaholic and well behaved person. He never talk about something sexual to me and really respect me as a woman. He is the one who introduced golf and MUJI to me. Yeah both of us loves MUJI so much. He never let me pay for anything. He provided everything when i came to Jb to meet him. A very good responsible person. Very soft spoken and relaxed person and .. he is introverted person.

I wish everything goes smoothly in life after this. I just can’t afford to be in sadness and despair and hopelessness in life. One thing i’ m scared in my life is to be in poverty because i was in that position during my uni life. I juggled 2 jobs during summer because JPA allowance wasn’t enough and my books were so expensive. Plus the tax deduction from my pay slip really hurt my feelings.

I couldn’t afford to be heartbroken in relationship anymore so i decided to not looking for any man unless he is financially stable and well mannered

It’s so hurtful to lower down my standards for someone older 10 years from my age, not financially stable, cheapskate, suka melucah , a rapist , has no idea about boundaries and consent and has a very strict lifestyle, terlampau berjimat cermat sampai baju pun semua lusuh lusuh, the fact that i feel so empathetic, buying him clothes and pillows but at the end he betrayed me, buying him ZARA perfume because he kinda smelly and in the end he just treated me like shit.

Never settle for older man anymore

Never settle for miskin guy anymore

Never tolerate with sexual jokes and perverts

Never tolerate anymore with guy’s stories of sex life with his exes

Be brave to lodge the police reports once getting the sexual harassment.

Be brave to slap the guy face once getting the sexual jokes

Just be brave.

[hiddenangel95]

Abang Ray

I really really wanna meet him and say thank you for the support during my toughest time.

There was one time i was super suicidal and he called me and talked to me for hours. Without his call probably i almost hanged myself.

I was super depressed because the flashbacks how Melvin fucked me at Teluk Intan reoccurring every single day. Not to forget the crucial pain of my vagina during that night, and he cum inside me without my consent, i was raped. He really really disgusting and i couldn’t accept what he did to me. His voice of moaning enjoying my pussy and my body really made screaming. It was so burning, my vagina was burning. I still shocked until now how he said he wouldn’t commit to me at the beach because of my viginismus condition. I had no idea why i was in silence. My mouth was shut. One the way back from Pangkor, Melvin told me “ Kalau i kahwin , i nak fuck hari hari “ , his statement really made me goosebumps. He is truly such an animal.

I told everything to Abang Ray, and he agreed whatever i told him, about his attitude, about his actions and everything. Abang Ray told me, when Mel was working in Singapore, he went to Batam searching for prostitutes. It was probably around 2013 the same year he still had relationship with K Icha, Wasiah Rosli, the same year he met with his fwb at the night club. Not to forget he went to Bali with Kak Icha on Dec 2013 and thinking about it was insane how a guy can fuck multiple women at the same year.

When i started my journey with Apple, i was super mentally weak. Every single night Abang Ray called me to give me mental support. He even cried with me. Until one time, he said whatever happened to me it is so dark to comprehend and he need the time off to get his mental health stable again. He started to be worried about his daughter what if his daughter experience the same thing like how Melvin did to other women.

Abang Ray,

Thank you for the call, support and motivation. I hope you can stay away from Melvin and safe your daughter and your wife from him

[hiddenangel95]

Journaling

I do express myself better in words. Having conversations really makes me exhausted and it’s hard to explain myself because not everyone has the ability to listen, to hear and to understand.

When i was in debate team in high school, i really hate to be in opposition side because the amount of energy to fight the hujah and argument really draining my energy. Imagine i need to be aware for every single false statement from government side and need to overly explain myself and my team that we always on the right side. Debate training always made me super exhausted and during the night prep, i tend to fall asleep.

I was a talkative person when i was a kid. But growing up, i started to be more introverted especially when Ayah didn’t feel to understand me the most. Ayah is really extroverted person and he kinda has no ability to listen and comprehend what i always talking about. Same goes to Umi, but Umi is way better than Ayah. She is a good listener.

I couldn’t mingle with extroverts. I tend to be so mentally tired. After being socialised with extroverts, i will cry sometimes due to mental exhaustion. I just can’t.

I really enjoy my own self companionship. Being alone, travelling alone, eating alone really gives me freedom to do whatever i want in my life. I love shopping alone too because no one will judge my spending habits, no one will make a shocking face when i buy something expensive.

Umi was mad when she knew my expenses for March around 12k plus ringgit. She questioned what did i do with my money because i wasn’t sure where the money go. I didn’t track my expenses at all. I felt disappointed too but honestly living in KL i need more than 20k to be comfortable in life. 12k-15k is not enough plus ringgit power of currency is not that strong. The cost of living in KL is not cheap.

I hope , God gives me more rezeki after this. I plan to buy Tesla and a house . After all i need to be hardworking in my career. Maybe i should do 2-3 jobs to make sure my income bracket to be higher.

[hiddenangel95]

Be kind to yourself

Maybe it's time to be gentle to myself. Go eat something healthy, hit the gym, exercising, go to Yoga and Pilates, read the books, pray more and be hopeful.

Life is too short to be in stress, to be in sadness and be mad over whatever happen in my life.

Yeah , I was lied and gamed by Mel, I was traumatized but I did something bad to him too. We are equal. Win - Win.

I just staying true to myself for being the truest to my feelings. Why do I need to cry out loud for the rings he bought for someone else, despite I can afford by myself , the even better ring, gold 999 with a very attractive design. I could afford to go traveling anywhere without his money and I am a very independent woman.

Why do I need to be sad and comparing myself for someone uglier , older and not ambitious? Why do I need to do that.

Maybe it's time to remind myself my old me. The one who constantly hardworking , strong and resilient.

It is indeed a good lesson to learn. Don't tolerate with bullshit guy, pervert who make everything sexual. Don't be doubtful to tell parents about everything. Don't be scared to take action

[hiddenangel95]

Erlia’s incident

- drunk raped when first time met up at the resort in Papar

- he recorded him having sex with her without consent

- Erlia got consciousness because she wanted to vomit

- Erlia realised there was blood from Mel’s penis due to sunat

- Mel fucked Erlia like an animal, without empathy at Perlis, Langkawi and KL

- Erlia got food poisoning but Mel still fucking her a night before

- Erlia being fucked from morning until night

- Mel chased her at Lot 10 like maniac and followed her until the lift

- Leaked the sex videos to her bf and threatened her to report to KPM

- Mel created fake fb with girls identity to stalk Erlia

[hiddenangel95]

Modus operandi Melvin Nigel Okala Jr

1) will talk about relationships and marriage during the talking phase

2) asked to meet the parents

3) give the rings

4) give the affection and love bombing with attention to get sex

5) will manipulate and ask for sex

6) aim the sex with no condom and pancut dalam

7) once he get what he wants, give thousands of excuses to not responsible and get married

8) will leave the girl without wanting to take accountability

Reason not to get married with K Icha even 8 years relationship and already sleep together

- Kak Icha has changed, becoming more Islamic and wearing big hijab

- he kept saying he couldn’t accept the way she is now despite already done everything with her during the relationship

Reason not to get married with Kak Sha

- Kak Sha conservative, not liberal

- he kept saying for her to get married with a guy who is the same races, same culture, same religion despite Melvin is Malaysian just from Papar, Sabah

Reason not get married with his fwb

- his fwb met at night club, calling a woman who go to night club wild but he subscribed prostitutes from amoi.123.com every month and fucking around.

- he loves fucking without condom to aim to cum inside without consent and that's basically RAPE

Reason to not get married with Wasiah Rosli ( assumption)

- he worked in Singapore