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My name is Ditta I'm a addict (social media, approval and other things I won't mention) I am 1 month clean
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HEART EXPLOSION. DIDNT KNOW ITS POSSIBLE TO FEEL MAGNIFICENT, SAD, TENDER AND HOPEFUL ALL AT ONCE. OH MAESTRO... 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
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(For Sunday) Here is a call Open and voiced From this gut Grated along the back Of this throat Come back My God As rock is smoothed By generations Of precipitation Of this pull Deeper Down To the animal Crouched In the crater Of this earth As the deer pants for Water So my soul longs for You I have these strange visions, sensations Under my eyes, along my skin I have an entire universe Lifted off my shoulders As if I have carried you while You Have waited To carry me I Have waited For the empty suitors For the wooden lovers That I curl my breasts against Like they might give me heat Where is the fur The feathers Promised as a cloth? I remain naked And I can’t remember who Told me To look down My Lord Has perished My Lord You have expired From hope From usability And the breath is smoke And the temple rots Shaking, vacant In these captive Saturdays In these straw palaces I scour the rubble For the memory of my King Could we be dreaming? Could we be so deceived? I still bleed I still lie The colours peel off my nails My hair one day Will go grey But I Have waited For the one who Promised He would return The crown Of righteousness Is made of thorns The royal robe Covered in blood, but I Will wear it I Will carry His cross As my throne I Will carry My corpse To His tomb I asked you to prove This love That so commits – compels me You have died In my arms Lord You have died By my left Hand You have died And I will kneel Upon the dirt That holds you To its chest I will take the love Like water But Lord Do not leave me Here alone (They have taken my Lord away and I don’t know where they have put him) I am faded By this garden I am unkept In its keeping I am beyond this grief I am not dead Though I wish to be And yet You speak Mary As a dove, as a man, as a fire As the temple Of my wonder The Lord as flesh The Lord as light The linen of another morning The eyes to teach Myself to me I don’t remember being naked For I am clothed In the garden In this hour In this soil There is a skin I have become Too bold Too cold To cast aside I wear your words I proclaim you I stretch my arms Out wide As an eagle The trembling of an earthly king Bruised in love Raised in thunder That all eternity May fill its hunger That every mouth May drink this water The temple of my anguish Broken And rebuilt To house my joy The bird that sings Of my freedom Heaven is My face At your feet Death is dead My God Is alive My God is alive My God is Alive My God is alive. (By Anna McGahan) Recited in triumph. Sunday is here. It's always beginning again.
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(For Friday) I have chosen to speak to you publicly This is not an address a letter a collection of ideas I can now present I have nothing to say to you and so I pray You have said to me Ask and it will be given Seek and you will find My darling Just knock The door will be opened to you Oh we are raging at this door I have slept up against it The tomb is closed I have been looking You are the lost thing Are you so small Yeshua That I could drop you like my wallet? I beg on behalf of us all A prayer for the unmet expectations The miracles that have not happened The lovers that will never come back The children you have hidden In time I have come to speak And I have come bleeding I have come to comprehend your mortality I have come to wrestle with your memory Appear, Lord Appear, Father Appear, if you are King Why have you left us In this basin Of consumption Of sucked-up plastic sex And tended war Of mixed bitterness Lemon, lime and fingernails down chalkboards? Why have you left us here? In our devastation In our unimaginable Ugliness Mirrored in ones and zeros on the internet? Why have you watched us, Cold and dehydrated Unplugged Unaffiliated Opened and Bled out? God if you are God, why can’t you speak? Are you so mute So deaf, so distant Do you not understand my broken iPhone English? Say words in my language Scream at me Fill the sky with an echo Fill the sea with a sign Anything God if you are God, Remove the broken bones Embedded within the broken hearts Strung between the broken clocks trapping us in three dimensions Why can’t you stop the sun from burning bushes? Why can’t you keep the earth from what it grew? It spins it melts it ricochets All eternity maintained Without you God I have asked for love I have asked for it I have waited I have spit each partaking member Out of my mouth As lukewarm water As love that is like vodka As love that is like lemonade When all I wanted was on fire God I have asked for light I have hungered For a fresher filter In which I don’t look so lined so old so tired God I have asked for bread I have begged you For a crumb off your table Like a dog I get skinnier And I get fatter And I have never eaten anything That has ever done me any good God I have asked for a bandage A block of ice A piece of armour A cup of tea The rest of my family I have asked for this pain To resolve Completely I have asked you For you God The question is If you could Would you not kill me? Would you not let me die like that? Would you not let me be destroyed? The coward I here confess Is just the mould of your absence Because I am afraid You do not care And I am afraid You do not know My flesh’s need Unmet You do not know what it means To bleed And yet We are dying Lord if you are Lord In the way they say you have omnipotent spirit If indeed you were God I know you could do it Stop death. If you don’t If you won’t If you choose To just watch my mistakes from your throne Lord, please Do not let me die alone. Face death: Before Behind After Alongside If this door I knock upon is not opened let it be because God has died. Will you taste it to tell me that you know what it might mean to be human? (They have taken my Lord away and I don’t know where they have put him) My God is dead My God is dead My God is dead My God is dead. (By Anna McGahan) Recited in tears. Sunday. Come.
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Wednesday.
Gravity does not work against us,
It is our ignorance of it
that
causes
us
to
fall.
Search me Father
And know my heart.
Test me
And know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
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"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst." ******* God, teach me humility. Meekness. Forgiveness. Help me see that I am no better than anyone. Teach me how to see people the way you see them, even the very worse. Teach me how to get down on my knees, not point finger. Teach me how to love not hate. Teach me how to be last. Teach me how to let go, not gain control. To speak kindly, never accusing. Teach me patience. Teach me never to underestimate the power of grace. God, I am undone before you. I just want to be like You. That is all. And thank you for morning, for a new day, new perspective. A chance to be better.
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Tonight I feel at rest. It's so bright here in my room, the moon is basking right outside the window. I caught the moon doing funny things, playing hide and seek in amongst the night sky. It made me smile. It used to be painful looking up the sky and seeing the moon, it would remind me of a lost boy, an old lover. So tonight was different, the moon assured me that it stands alone, that it loves me still and that it can be mine again. How beautiful.
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