highlonelylustfull

[highlonelylustfull]

And you asked me

What about when you’re away for weeks at a time

And all I have left of you is my imagination

What about that

And I reply

I shall write you everyday

Even if you can’t see it

I’ll write you letters and send them to the wind

In the hopes that they’ll kiss your cheek

In the hopes they’ll make their way to you

In the hopes they’ll be closer than me

You once told me

That you left me in the loving care of my poppy

And waiting for your message I know how hard this will be.

The all consuming longing

Owning my thoughts

Running through my body

Alone in my room

Somehow feeling your presence

[highlonelylustfull]

26 dec 23

As I sit in the bois- waiting for your name to pop up on my phone.

Rereading all our messages

Wishing it had gone differently

Wishing it would have worked

Wondering if it would be any different

This time

Or next time

Or next time

I don’t see a future where I’m not secretly waiting for you

Some part of me

You have carved a part of my heart

Somehow

Someway

That painfully is all yours

And can never belong to anyone else

Hard as I try

You were right when you said I had doubts

It’s because of you

I hope you find this blog

I hope you read this

And know that I’m yours

No matter who I belong to I’ll be waiting for you

How tragic is that

[highlonelylustfull]

Xmas ‘23

I Almost Do

And I just want to run to you

And it takes everything in me not to call you

And I just want you to know that every time I don’t I almost do

I want to

I almost did

Merry Xmas wherever you are

Whom ever you’re with

I hope you’re happy

I hope you’re thinking of me

I hope you miss me

I couldn’t be more selfish

Maybe the grass isn’t greener

But I feel that the grass is starting to wilt

I feel that I’m outgrowing the acreage

And I don’t think it’s fair

That I think about you

Everyday

Every event

I think about your voice

I think about your touch

I dream of your kisses

I dream of your face

I have been asking myself a lot lately if I can cope with this longing.

How much longer.?

Is it fair?

No it’s not

Not to me

Not to him

Not to you

It’s not fucking fair.

The thing that really hurt me

Was that you didn’t step up and choose me when you had the chance

What would our life together even look like

Maybe it’s better this way

Maybe I’m a fool

But deep down a part of me knows that I’ll find my way to you

Sooner or later

And that’s the only thing that calms me and allows me not to call you

Not to text

To to say merry fucking Xmas

Not to leave right now leave everything behind and show up on your door step

Wait for you in the Retiro for as long as it takes

For our paths to cross again

Unblock you just to see how long it would take you to notice

Even if you’ve moved on

And you’re happy

I can’t live like this

Even if you don’t want me

Even if it wouldn’t work

And it’s impractical

Even if it’s a stupid infatuation

Even if the chemistry doesn’t last

I can’t not try

At some point

I can’t get married to anyone else

Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for someone else

Sometimes I wish I had never met you

Sometimes I wished I hadn’t caved the first time

[highlonelylustfull]

1- July-2021

Today I had the first session with my mom and Mark. He immediately zeroed in on my and my defeatedness which was brought up by Dr. White in FL as well when I had a session with her and my mom. She noted how immediately my posture and demeanour changed. The default of compliance, knowing that I am not about to honestly and openly express myself with my mom as she's not able to handle it, and so I just comply and get smaller. Thats the only way that I can cope at this point is to emotionally detach.

Mark asked for a weekly recap and I was honestly about some highs and lows, when he asked mom the same thing she talked about how busy she is and then the rest of it was about Lariel which is annoying, avoidant, and copdepenant to think that someone else's news counts as your experience. Enmeshment.

She said that our conversations don't feel fake or superficial to her, which is alarming but also maybe she is incapable of having the kinds of conversations I would like to have. She at least acknowledged the underlying tension and the avoidance of certain topics.

When she read me her fears for me she got emotional and talked about basically my everyday reality. She said that I have been hit harder than any kid and am constantly being thrown curveballs and trauma, and she's worried that I won't be able to blossom or having an easy life. I didn't understand the fear in that because its all true. Mark and I were both nodding the whole time in agreement as in yes that is true and yes my life is hard and yes a lot of shit happens to me and no it does not stop and no I do not get a break. It was frustrating to see that she clearly doesn't see how her behaviour is contributing to making my life so FUCKING HARD. She is the biggest headache in my day to day life, she continually throws curveballs AT me and then gets upset at how I react making it even worse. She is the most stressful traumatic thing in my life hands down and that is why this is at such a breaking point for me. I need something to change in the way or boundaries, her behaviour, her communication, or just cutting her out of my life and looking for support in other ways. I said int he session that I feel like I can't put my whole weight on her and I have been actively seeking out other resources to help me because I can't trust her support.

When she was reading the assignment to me she acknowladged that she is growing mentally and emotionally and I am as well, both at different stages of our lives. So that gives me a little hope that she is becoming aware of her own faults and is becoming willing to work on her part of this relationship.

She misremebered the I am and have been doing everything in my power to better OUR relationship to bettering MYSELF. She acknowledged it and while that is true that I am and have been constantly bettering myself it discards the entire relationship aspect. She seemed to have a hard time saying or seeing that our relationship is/has shattered in a lot of ways, and added on to how important she is to me.

When I got to the fear.. that was rough. I didn't know if I could even say it as I was tearing up and had the biggest knot in my throat. Eventually I did, and she seemed taken a back, and left out my fear of the relationship ending or being irreparably damaged-clearly she doesn't feel that way even though she threatens me with it.

When it got to why I love her she waited for more I only could muster up two things one of which was a memory because at this point I have so little respect for her that I dont know why I love her other than she's my mother and so I am biologically programmed to withstand the throws of the relationship and try and better it because I'm her daughter. Which now that I think of it is something she drilled into my head about Ralph. That he's my father so I have to have him in my life and he's my father so that justifies a multitude of sins. I could see that she was underwhelmed or maybe even hurt by the lack of embellishment.

But what the fuck am I supposed to say? I literally called Riley last nights to give me ideas and remind me why I love my mother because all the things I love and value about most people.. she doesn't have. She is not loyal, she is not independent or strong, she is not loving ad nurturing all the time (so that didn't feel completely genuine to say), she isn't woke or working on herself, she isn't accountable, she isn't trustworthy, she isn't ride or die. A lot of the things I loved about my mom, things I used to brag about my mom are no longer true for me. She no longer is my best friend she is a constant source of trauma, pain, and material for group and therapy. She is constantly dissaponting me and being insincere and fake. I no longer feel like a priority on her list nor do I feel cared for or even taken into account. I feel like she is holding on to me with one hand and I am trying to get out of her grasp and just get some air but every fucking time, she pushes me down further and adds more mountain to climb. It feels like a never-ending story of Cali is mentally ill and I am a mom so therefore I am clearly not in the wrong or whatever other excuse she deems relevant. and I just have to eat it and drown a little more. It was hard hearing her talk about how hard and traumatic my life is and her just being so fucking blissfully unaware that SHE is the hardest, more traumatic, stressful, largest hurdle that I face in my daily life. That is why I am so fucking committed to fixing this and why I have and am putting so much of myself into this process because it is life or death for me. This is my breaking point. I can't live with this fake ass shit anymore and either the relationship gets better or I will have to cut her out or set firm boundaries and find other support and stability in my life because it is NOT her.

Then after we both finished, Mark asked her to recap how she felt about the assignment, the active listening, and about the content. She gave some bullshit dull answer, and Mark (THANK GOD) persisted that she be more specific. She basically blamed me and my "black and white thinking" as for the reason that I would feel that she is willing and able to cut me off at the drop of a hat. I asked to elaborate and reminded her of the conversation where she clearly threatened me saying "Just how much money do you need. You clearly want to divorce me, so how much money do you need!". She stated that thats not how she remembers the conversation and that actually she was setting a "boundary" with me and "clarifying" about where the financial support was going to come from and setting an emotional boundary with me about what she was not willing to discuss with me at that time... Then our time was up and Mark recaps that he feels like he's leaving us hanging but that ya know Rome wasn't built in a day and these things take time.

Overall I feel like it was a good first step to starting to dig into the REAL problem and exposing how deeply I am hurt and how immense this problem really is.

[highlonelylustfull]

20-feb-21

Its been a while.

A lot has happened since the start o the year- lets recap; Charlie contacted me within the first few hours of the year, we talked for 1min4o-something seconds and I fucked me UP! I’m still undoing the damage from that night. My relationship with mom seems to be more and more distant every day. I passed all my classed first semester of 2nd year so BIG WIN. My therapist and Matt told me that the idea of a relationship and this over the top BDSM fantasy of being gaslit and told that everything I do is wrong, and being punished severely for it was TOXIC and not ok. Matt said that he wouldn't do that to me, and since he's never said no to me in a sexual context, that was very impactful. So I've been reflecting on giving my power away, why I want that, and how the relationship with Charlie has made me crave a certain level of toxic abuse. 

Then, Fran the guy that I went on a date with eons ago started getting flirty, we had a little moment of pictures exchanged and whatnot and he blocked me the morning after- probably because HE HAS A GF and he felt guilty or who knows. Either way that made me more hungry and want him more. My sponsor told me something that is burned into my head: “why are you fighting so hard to stay somewhere where YOU ARE NOT WANTED? Why are you trying so hard to prove you're desirable to someone who DOES NOT WANT YOU?”

I just send Fran a text confronting him about why he blocked me which is exactly what my sponsor was telling me NOT to do- also I dont know what I expect him to say or do. I mean he could just block me on WhatsApp as well.. I don't know what I think im going to get from this message but old habits/codependence/daddy issues whatever the fuck took over and I couldn't stand the contrary action anymore- I gave in. Now I’m just setting myself up for more headfuckery/hurt and somehow I’m very ok with that. Pain has become such a normal part of the flirty exchange for me- its like that pain causing scarring that just binds me even tighter to that person. Like a blood pact in Harry Potter or whatever. At this point I really feel like Im at a relationship crossroads; I know that what I’m doing dn what I’m used to is unhealthy and will continue to be toxic if I tread passively/comfortably onwards- and I know that a “healthy” relationship is not something that I truly/deeply want right now. I dont feel ready to give up the super exciting up and down, emotional rollercoaster of this unhealthy way of relating to someone. The atomic bomb as I described it to my relationship. Once you have that, everything else seems so boring. I would imagine that Its the same when you get sober- the ecstasy that you get from being high is otherworldly and I would imagine that you don't get that feeling from anything else- which is what makes it so hard to give up. 

I feel like a hypocrite, because I am committed to growing and learning and bettering myself, but at the same time I know that what I’m doing is bad and I still want to do it...? What the fuck.

[highlonelylustfull]

27-sept-2020

So I went on a date/sleepover last night with this guy (Francisco) who was just sosososo sweet, making me breakfast, giving me loads of compliments. Just an all around lovely man. And, even before we got food he told me that he won't be able to provide me with a relationship because his living situation (to stay in Madrid or not to stay) is uncertain, and he wouldn't want to hurt me by getting close and then leaving. My initial reaction was- he can't hurt me!! But now that im thinking about it, on one hand I am so tied of not being committed to and being less than a girlfriend, feeling like I’m not capable or worthy of being in a relationship (he did tell me that I deserve the world and I deserve a men who has the time and security to datum full on. and that he just can't.). So I don't necessarily want to be in that in-between dating but not serious, bot knowing where the boundaries are and not wanting to talk about things and scare them away from the little commitment that they've given. On the other hand- I think that dating him, being treated well (as he clearly is capable of), and getting to see what that feels like would be a great way to build healthy dating experiences, and I think I would feel safe if there were boundaries in place and the environment was one of being able to talk about feelings, and still understand that there's an expiration date. I can feel myself already having this little glimmer of hope like.. well maybe now isn't the time, but in a year or so he could move back and it could be the right time and boom. But thats a fantasy and very far off in the future with a lot of unknowns and I don't even know him that well yet. I also realised that I don't want to have sex with someone else just once. I have had too many experiences of having sex, opening myself up literally, and then that being the last interaction. I don't want that anymore. I feel used, and more lonely than ever. I will not allow that to happen anymore to the upmost of what I can control. So I’m discovering that in order to be intimate and have sex I need some level of trust in that person that I won't be abandoned or used, that they’ll come back and I won't be left alone and vacant like so many times before. 

Maybe I can commit to seeing this through as long as it makes me happy. If and when the dynamic is most sad or upsetting than happy, then I’ll walk away. Take what is there to learn and grow from, and leave the rest. No relationship is 100% certain and like with Remi I thought that was IT and boom just 3 months, So who really knows. Maybe shielding myself from any and all potential hurt will leave me just sitting inside and not growing. I’m not really sure what the best, wisest thing is to do. 

[highlonelylustfull]

Coda Entry

I forgive myself for the times I've accepted sex when I wanted love and intimacy. The times that I had sex when really I wanted: physical intimacy (cuddling being held), closeness. The time I mistook it for a deep personal connection. The times that I took sex when I wanted attention or to be seen and appreciated. The times I had sex for safety. The times I had sex just to appease the other person. The times that I continued having sex past when I felt comfortable to please the other person. I forgive myself for not speaking up, and standing up for myself when I was in situations that I did not like or want to consent to. I am now conscious of this and moving forward I will question why I want sex. Is it: closeness, touch, personal connection, bonding, attention, safety, or to get out of something? Or, do I have a desire for this person and just want to have sex?

On the other hand, codependence breeds resentment, and I have so much anger and resentment for my mother in her romantic relationship. Like she is going to lose herself in Steven, change who she is, forget about me, abandon me, etc. He is so important to her that it intimidates me. She is the axel my world revolves around and I dont want anyone to take my spot. I am now realising that I need to change my axel from my mother or partner r any other person, and have it be faith. Faith in my higher self and the universe that guides me. Faith that all of the sis happening for a reason. Nothing is a mistake, but a lesson. Then prioritise myself and know that even if the number one thing in my mothers life is her boyfriend or husband, I am ok. I will continue to be ok, and that relationship has no impact directly on me, or my ability to take care of myself. I am my own caretaker. I take care of myself. My mother lives thousands of miles away and that has no impact on me. That relationship is the 10% of her that I had major issues with, and yet the 90% of her that is loving and caring and everything else is what makes me love her so much. She can not be my icon or model, nor did she ask to be really. Her life, and her mistakes are hers. Whether she continues to make these mistakes or not, or if they are mistakes or not is all for her. I have no part in that journey. If she goes to therapy, or moves to LA or whatever else the fuck she does or doesn't do, is not up to me, she didn't ask me, and I also dont want to be responsible for the rest of that decision. 

[highlonelylustfull]

Remi Baby

7th May 2020

I don’t even know where to start. You are so what I have been searching for. everything I have ever wanted in a man. You make me feel special, important, funny, silly, sexy, romantic... I love that I got to be myself with you, that you were asking me about where and how to place the furniture. You made us a nice little space on the terrace with tapas and drinks! I didn't have to do anything, you took care of everything. I felt like a princess. I love the way I am around you. And how you seem to love it. 

There was a point when our chairs were facing echoer, I had my legs over your lap, and I was playing with your hand. I just instinctively looked at your ring finger and this little voice in the back of my head said “where's his ring”. And after the voice said that I did a double take realising that I was looking at your left hand ring finger..  

I love all the pet names, the cuddles, the kisses.. my god the kisses. I could kiss you all day, all week, all month! I just wanted to be near you at all times. I love when you touch me, it just feels so natural. AND THE WAY YOU PICK ME UP!!!! Thats all the strength I need. Just every box that I have on my list got checked off. You are SOOOOO 2000% husband material. I called Patxi as soon as I got home to tell him about you. Which I have never done. There is no part of you or our date that I feel like I have to squint about. You keep it above board and when I just had the most minimal squat, you stopped and were like “you’re not ready, and yeah. you're right! Ive just never had anyone really ask me, and I forgot that just going along with something, shrugging and saying fuck it, is NOT the same as 100% wanting to AND being ready. So thank you for illuminating that for me.

I love when you were so shocked by how impressed I am with you. Thanking my exes for setting the bar so low for you hahah. I am easy to please, and I love the way your face lights up with emotion. I feel like I can see what's going through your mind, like we’re on the same wave length. I mean there has been so many times that you seem to read my mind and be thinking the same.And we just had fun. I love that you laugh at my jokes, and how funny and thoughtful you are. I just adore you. And I feel adored!! How crazy is it that I don’t feel like I’m guessing with you. You kept telling me that you feel like you’ve known me. I think this is clearly a soul connection. if the first date was anything like who you are, and what you would be like in a relationship I am SO IN! 

I love that we can just play and the hours fly by like seconds when I’m with you. My little voice just said “a lifetime wouldn’t be enough”. On the one hand I feel like I need to pump the breaks because I can see myself falling in love with you like.. soon. And on the other hand since I feel like we’re the same page.. jump?! I just feel like we could be really happy together. No drama, just fun, giggles, cuddles and kisses, love making(omg the preview that I had today made me want to not only buy the whole movie, but all the props, the set, the fking lot bahaha), traveling, food, drink, kids.. just everything. 

I think you're amazing. I am amazed by you, your chivalry (walking round to open my car door for me, opening ALL doors for me etc), your sweetness, your strength, your handsomeness. Just all that Ive seen from you is A+++, and I cannot wait to see more. 

[highlonelylustfull]

12-JAN-2020

Dear Charlie,

I am still in shock with the whirl wind that was the holidays, and honestly, I never thought of you as a quitter. I never thought that you would just give up like that, but you've bailed on me, on us, more than once now. I don't want to do this anymore. You don't want me tone with anyone else, thats been made perfectly clear; and I only want to be with you, but you dont want to be in a relationship with me. You can't commit to me, so I have just placed myself in this limbo. Trying so hard to not be too much, and to make sure that all your needs are met, to never insult or upset you. Trying so hard to be palatable, for you, and al of your family to fall in love with me, to approve of me.  And yet it doesn't ever seem to be enough. I need more from you, and you told me that you can't provide me with anymore. That you're unwilling to work on our relationship, and actually that it was not, nor has it ever been a relationship. I felt like an insane person, like my reality was a lie. This wonderful relationship that I was having with you was all in my head it seems. That you're not in love with me. I refuse to believe that, but maybe you're truly not. 

You told me that I broke you heart by going on a date a few days after I got home. You were guilting me for never being satisfied with however much foreplay you gave me. How can you even talk about heartbreak when I thought we were getting really serious.. I was fitting in with your family, and everything was going so well. You fucked me so hard that I felt like I needed to go to the hospital, and still I wanted to tried and figure it out, and despite all of my effort, work, and trying you just... gave up on me. Made me feel like it was all my fault when you have been pushing me away from the start. Pulling me closer with one hand and pushing me away with the other. You cant have it both ways, Charlie. I think sex s a reflection of communication, and clearly you resented me, and didn't want to connect with me on another level than superficial. you couldn't be physically vulnerable with me or even be fucking asked to try. I have been asking you since October to go base by base with me, and I was hoping that for my birthday we would be able to do that.. nope. I asked you so many times to go down on me, and every time you agreed, and never did it. It felt like I was being taken from in sex. Like it was a one way transaction where you would fuck the shit out of me and I would “take it” as you've said to me one too many times. The sex was so selfish. I felt, deeply like my pleasure didn't matter, and that was reinforced by the lack of foreplay and my orgasms as an after thought. As in, you would only finger me if you had already cum and I hadn't. The sex has gradually gotten worse over the months, and I dont understand what I was meant to do. I even googled sexual incompatibility and read some articles proposing ways to fix it, and I've tried most all of them with you. The only thing that hadn't been done was they suggested a sexual incompatibility can be sure to withholding emotionally or mentally, and that the person should talk to a therapist or that the couple should go to sex therapy. 

I dont know what to do now, because I love you, and I am in love with you, and I was really thinking that you could be the one. I am so dependant on you, and I have grown so used to, and comfortable in your presence. This has been a difficult relationship from the beginning, and has caused a lot of growth, and it is now at a place where I know that I have done my best, and tried everything that I could. This one is on you. 

[highlonelylustfull]

17-oct-2019

Charlie,

I am not feeling wanted on the most imitate and deep level, and for that reason when you poke fun or make jokes about me, or tell me that I’m being really intense or anything similar, I feel pushed away and rejected, when what I want most is to feel close to you. I want you to not just want me on a physical level, (by telling me that you want me, and how I make you feel ect.), but to want me intimately. To come from a place of kindness, and say something like I feel so important when you call me in-between classes (or whatever the case may be), instead of pushing me away, and telling me that I don't have to; I don’t have to buy your family christmas presents, or write you a letter telling you how thankful I am to have you in my life, and for all the things you do ect. It just makes me feel like those things aren’t appreciated, and therefore that I, myself, am not appreciated. That my effort to connect with you, and be intimate, is just being rejected. And in the moments when you show the slightest appreciation or acceptance of something that’ve one, it fills me right up! When my actins go unnoticed, unappreciated, joked about, or critiqued, it makes me want to pull back and not do any of them. To just shut off, and protect myself and my energy. I’m sure you have thoughts of recognition and or appreciated, and it may feel strange at first to express them, but that is what I most need to hear.

As we spoke about in the car, if you don’t tell me that it’s ok for me to touch your leg, or that you like it/want me to, then I will just be in my head wondering: whether or not you like it, if I'm being too much, maybe you don’t actually find me attractive, and therefore don’t want me to touch you ect.... I would really like if you could just acknowledge small things like that (and I know you made an effort and it made a big difference), and ask me to do things like that for you. Ask me to hug you/kiss you/be intimate. Extend that invitation to connect. 

I think it would be helpful to keep in mind, as well, that I'm very sensitive, that I take what you say very seriously (especially when its about me), and that a little reassurance goes a long way. 

Sex is also something that I would like to talk about. Thank you for the time in the car where you told me to go higher and higher, inviting me to be intimate, and when we were in bed and I was rubbing your back and you told me to move my hand around. I just still feel such a disconnect. When you were joking, telling me that you didn't know why you had a boner while in bed next to me, I genuinely believed you. I wish that you would talk to me, and tell me that I turn you on, kiss me, touch me ect so that I can be right there with you. I don’t always feel like my pleasure is being taken into account, or that my pleasure turns you on. For example, when we had just got back from that fun little roadhead adventure, and we were cuddling, I felt ashamed to ask you whether you would want to pick up where we left off. I love to take care of you in all aspects, and I will blow you everyday of your life if that would make you happy. That being said, I felt objectified when you were skullfucking me, and it felt like you didn't care who was blowing you, just that you got off; and when I asked to join in and have you cum inside me, you didn't want to. I was hoping that afterward you would do something to me, a little compensation. I absolutely don’t feel like I can ask for sex or intimacy, and much much less ask for you to touch me like that. So I just feel isolated. I want to feel like the person for you. That you get turned on just looking at me, and that you truly deeply want me. That you have to have me. I currently feel like it’s a bit of a take it or leave it situation. And so when you told me that you don’t want to be exclusive, I felt rejected and incompetent, like I’m not enough to keep you happy or satisfy your needs, and when it seems that the reason continues to be Georgie, it makes me feel like she has something fundamental that I just don’t, and that I am incapable of being the woman that you want or need, and this feeling is really erosive, and is definitely being exacerbated by stress from school, which then just puts me in a headspace of wanting to just turn off and retract. That its not worth the effort, pain, and insecurity. But I know that is it worth it, and that with you, I have had some amazing highlights, and that when things are good, they're so so good, and I can really see myself with you. Building a future. 

I try to build you up, telling you how handsome you are, how smart you are, how necessary you are in my life ect., because I physically cannot contain it in my being. I feel so strongly about you, that I just have to gush and tell you how amazed I am, and I so badly want that in return. I want you to not be able to hold back how much you want me, how you feel about me ect. I want the security of knowing that, without a doubt, you find me attractive, and that you're wowed by me. I feel appreciated for my intellect which is lovely, and I feel very supported in that way, but I want you to crave me. To want to be close to me.. To feel special.

[highlonelylustfull]

12-July-2019

My head is still spinning from last night. I texted Charlie before bed asking him if we could just promise to call each other and talk things out much sooner and avoid all the miscommunication. He said yes, just dont go all crazy and intense on me, baby steps. Now I really dislike being called crazy and being made to feel crazy, but him telling me that he had TWO read more buttons on the message and he showed off my message to someone who thought they hd a long message.. well. I can see where he's coming from. 

He still hasn't let me follow him on instagram and last night it seemed that he had completely forgotten about the whole thing, but it makes me feel icky and excluded, so I made my Instagram private too.. see how he likes that. The whole marriage thing is still bothering me. 

Also he doesn't seem in any rush to see me in person unlike before, and I suppose its good to give him more time and space, because things will be much more intense when we’re together. I just dont know.

When I told him that I was holding back talking to him and waiting for a good Tim end thats partially why I exploded he was confused, and was like but you never hold back, you always say what you think and get to the point. Which was lovely to be seen and understood in that, and partially valued for that, but I don’t feel comfortable enough with him to really express myself. I dont feel like there's a safe enough space to talk about ALL the things going on in my head, because I don’t want to put any pressure on him or overwhelm him, or push him, and that got me to completely overwhelming him. So we have to change strategy there. 

I literally looked up what taking it slow in a relationship means, because I have no idea, and no practice in it, and it was not useful. The beginning f he article talked about asking your partner what it means for them, to make sure you're on the same page. I think for Charlie it means, minimal to no flirting, laughing and having conversation, no sex, nothing sexual, and taking time to be apart. He said something that bothered me which was that he doesn't want to be flirting with me and hitting on me, because he doesn't want me in that same bag with all the other girls he just has a sexual connection with, which on one hand is lovely and makes sense Alison Armstrong had talked about it. But on the other, I want to be able to express that side of me, ESPECIALLY with the person that I want to be intimate with. I love expressing my sexuality, feeling beautiful, and feeling WANTED. Making the other person squirm and get all worked up. I loooove that. I adore sex and making love. I love the sexual energy, I adore it. And if I can't talk about it or express it with Charlie then whom exactly?

The thing that frustrates me about Charlie is that he knows where I’m going with things. Like when I was talking about not knowing how to ac or what to be around him, he was like yes you're right I know thats shitty and im sorry that I caused you anxiety and just owned it. Talking about baby steps, how much I hate them, and how frequently in my life people have told me to use them, he was like I get that its shitty and not fair to have you just waiting and not knowing, and it would be perfectly acceptable of you to just say no and not do it. But in a lot f ways, him owning it, and being so understanding makes me more compassionate to his situation, and more flexible with mine. I really resisted with Matt because he was never understanding, so I wanted to show him! But Charlie gets it, and its because of that that I want to be accommodating, but I need to really decide where my limits and boundaries are. What am I willing to accept and tolerate. How much longer. I want some sort of clarity and guarantee so that I can calm down. I need some sort of security so I can stop constantly evaluating and trying to decide if its worth it?

[highlonelylustfull]

11-July-2019

So I called Charlie today and we talked and so much happened.

He answered the call and seemed totally fine, turns out I catastrophized the whole thing and in his mind, he was overwhelmed, but didn't doubt anything. I asked him if when he read the text even for a minute if he thought, fuck she's too much I can't im done. He said that he didn't, that he just thought, well I’m not going to marry her, which honestly has been a knife to the heart as that's what I most want and the reason im doing the relationship thing, is in hopes of finding that eternal long lasting love. 

I explained why things built up so much and. why I had the novel outburst, and once I explain it he was much more calm and was like wow that makes sense and I can see how you would feel that way, he even apologised for contributing to that anxious state. 

Although this is not at all how I pictured things going, and I’m a little thrown. I thought he was done with me and so boom game over, don't have to try anymore, don't have to be vulnerable, boom done. And now I have this renewed panic feeling of anxiety about what the fuck is going on? I know, respect, and appreciate that he's getting over the heartbreak of Georgie and he said that it wouldn't be fair, especially to me, and would be super unhealthy for him to just jump into a relationship with me. And thats amazing and all, but he's being cold and distant, and I have no idea what the fuck he wants from me, other than to take it slow and do baby steps which I have never understood and has always been such a foreign concept to me.

After getting off the phone, digesting the conversation, and taking a shower, as soon as I walked out of the shower, I was like, no. I don't want to do this. I want to feel sure that the person I’m with, wants to be with me, is super into me, and equally wants the relationship. 

His unsure energy and not knowing what the fuck he wants is making me even more unsure and subject to the brutal sometimes anti-men advice that I am being given. I dont think he's trying to have his cake and eat it, I think he's genuinely trying to do the best thing, and in the right order as he has said so many times, and I feel respected and honoured having him do that. But at the same time there's this idea of if he really wanted to be with me, he would do whatever it takes to be with me, and that maybe I’m being too available and making it too easy for him, but I know that if I shoved hi in a corner with an ultimatum, then he wouldn't be able to act from the highest place. Even if he did get into a relationship it would be prematurely and end badly because he wasn't ready, but the question is how long am I willing to wait? I want to be in a relationship with someone who is ready, willing, and really really wanting of the same thing. Theres also the distance thing, and he sad something bout mentioning moving to Madrid was crazy... I dont fucking know. He says a lot of things, and I’m not good at looking at actions of relying on actions. 

I remember this feeling with Matthew, this what the fuck am I doing feeling. The RUN instinct/urge that is so sad, overwhelming, and anxiety producing. I need clarity. This limbo is awful, and I really want to just not. But he said that he knows when we talk that he doesn't want to be just friends with me, he's obviously worried about me being with someone else if and when we're not talking. I dont know what else there is other than leaving, or sticking it out. He acknowledged that what he's doing is shitty and that he wouldn't be surprised if I just said no. I’m not doing it. I am trying so hard to be understanding and supportive of him, and also I am not thinking of myself enough. 

FUCK

[highlonelylustfull]

Text to butty June 6 2019

I have been waiting for the right time to talk about this, but there hasn’t seemed to be a good time and I need to get this into the open.

Respond when you’re ready x

I have been feeling really disconnected from you, and I need there to be more communication. What that looks like for me is a phone call or video chat. You can set the time frame as I know you’re busy and working your ass off, and I want to honor that.

However this distance is causing me to act and think from a place of insecurity and doubt, that makes me want to shut down. The calls can be as long as you can fit in, from 5 minutes to the hours and hours we used to spend on the phone. I need a call every day or every other day. I want you to know that when you call me, I can feel my body fill up with happiness, it makes my day, and I don’t feel the need to reach out (in the form of texts ect), I don’t need anymore of your attention, the phone call fills me up.

The reason I don’t like texts is because depending on my mood I read your texts in different tones. I’m sure half of them have been interpreted badly on my part because I was feeling disconnected and frustrated. Also text messages to me are worth 2ish point. Pictures are worth like 7 points. Videos and voice notes are worth 15 points. Phone called are worth 300 points, and video calls are worth 555 points. So maybe using the numbers you can see how if we only use text messages back and forth, I would need a thousand messages to feel the same connection and fullness that I get from seeing your lovely face, and hearing your enchanting voice.

I want to bring this up because I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated and resentful as this pattern continues, and I would love to avoid this becoming a full blown problem. This is why I was so sassy and short with you the other day.

I also want to bring up what sounds to me and what I interpret to be promises and plans, and see to be more fantasies/whimsical ideas in your mind. I want to be able to trust you at your word and know that when you talk about something, you mean it, and I can count on it happening. For example, when we’re about to hang up you say something like I’ll call you later or tomorrow. I know in my heart of hearts that you mean it at the time, and things get in the way, and throughout the day you are exhausting yourself and by the time you get home you just want to sleep and recharge, which is completely valid and ok.

What I need from you is clarification.

For example, if it’s getting to the end of the day and you know that you’re too exhausted to have an hour long phone call, or that you just want to be alone and recharge, please send me a quick text or call me quickly to explain; hey I know I said I would.... but I am tired ect ect and I need some sleep. Can I call you tomorrow around x time instead.?

When you do this it allows me to stop obsessing thinking that maybe I missed your call, and trying to make myself available in case you do call so I can give you that attention. This would allow me to be so much more relaxed, patient, and allow me to feel respected and cared for.

So in general if you could provide a time frame for the thing promised, that would make such a huge difference!

[highlonelylustfull]

8-July-2019

Well today I was in the most pissy, looking for a fight kind of mood altering getting 2ish hours of sleep, getting my NIE, thing a billion forms of transportation, and going to the surgeons.

Also I haven't heard from Charlie after the novel that I sent him that clearly scared him ‘ a little.. x’ in his words. I am fading, and getting over this situation. I am also really frustrated that the women in my life are so quick to tell me that he's a dick or I deserve better or whatever. They aren't even listening. I am not done with him. I want to be with him, and I think it could be a really beautiful relationship, and its amazing to me how quick these women are to cut someone off, or not give them the benefit of the doubt. How is anyone supposed to show you their best selves when were constantly hunting down all the negative things, instead of giving them an opportunity to work on it? 

I think its probably better Charlie didn't call today, because I have been in a bad mood, also because I want him to come to me when he's ready to have a real vulnerable discussion, and I know that the best way for that to happen is when he is ready, and when he knows he has the time and space to do it, because it won't be a 20 minute conversation. I am choosing to think that Charlie is feeling overwhelmed, conflicted, and confused with his own internal weather, and probably needs a bit of time and aloneness to sort it out. I am not going to push him. I sent him an overwhelming thing without any warning because I couldn't hold it in anymore and I felt it needed to be said, and now its my turn to wait and be receptive to what he has to say. I saw that he deleted one of his posts on instagram, and because he won't let me follow him I can't know for sure which one, but I'm pretty sure its the mi amor video. Also he asked me how many points he'd get for physical contact, which I am wondering if that was an allude to him coming this weekend..? We have been talking about it, bu at this point the signals coming from Charlie are so sporadic and chaotic I don't know If he's done with me, and this is too much for him, or if he's regrouping, or choosing the right time or what, but I have faith that if I just keep myself receptive, calm, and open that the answer will be presented to me in the most conscious way, and that whatever happens will be for the better. I love you Charles/Charlie even when you're frustrating and confusing. I hope we can talk soon, and be physically together even sooner. Sending you love, light, blessings, and warmth. x

[highlonelylustfull]

7-July-2019

Tonight is my last night in Napoli with Kierah, and when we went to go get gelato (which we have been trying to do since day one), Kierah was a combo of dehydrated, low blood sugar, menstruating, tired, and hot fromthis heat wave. She was okay at first and then she started getting wobbly and fainted twice once where she was actually passed out and I thought we might have to go to the hospital. It wa so scary to see this person who I love and care for so deeply, out. Gone like that. And I felt so helpless. Going through my mind trying to make a plan and decide if and when to call an ambulance and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. She’s asleep next to me right now and she’s doing better so that’s good. Also spending this time together has felt like I just saw her yesterday and reminded me how much we share in common and the deep soul sisters that we are. This has been one of my all time favorite vacations, because there was no agenda and we were in sync with what we wanted to see and do, and how we wanted to do it. Puttering around the city, discovering new bars, making friends, and focusing on what to eat next.

After we went to go get some food to boost her blood sugar and my mind immediately went to how much safer I would have felt had Charlie, Jack and Miriam, or Matt been there to catch Kierah as she fell and carry her to safety. Matt watched my story today and I don’t know how I feel about that. Oneone gad it makes me sad that I feel so much safer with a man around to carry my best friend if and when she faints, to act as a body guard when I look fine as hell walking the streets, to make me feel safe when out drinking or clubbing knowing no one will take advantage of me. On a podcast I was listening to of Alison Armstrong on my way here she was talking about how universal this feeling is. That giving this survey to women asking how many women it would take to give that same feeling of safety that one man provides, the answer was impossible. There is no number of women that can give the peace of mind and reassurance that one man can give, and I feel exactly that way. So should I shake myself for feeling that way, or embrace and accept it. I feel safer with a man THAT I TRUST around.

[highlonelylustfull]

3-July-2019

I spent the evening with Marcus smoking, talking, and admiring Madrid. When we were eating in a Chinese restaurant I asked Charlie if he would be around later, to see if we could talk. And his response in my head sounded sarcastic and made me immediately feel like he’s super pulled out (that’s what she said) commitment wise. And in that moment my reaction said a lot. I was like well this isn’t going to work.. that’s it. I would rather break off a lovely thing than risk being vulnerable and stating my need of communication isn’t being met, and it’s causing me to be the worst, most negative version of myself. In an effort to defend myself, when I feel a change in the weather my armor goes on. And I was listening to a podcast with Alison Armstrong today which as per usual was very inspirational and telling. She talked about making a short list of your needs that when met make you the best version of yourself and when not met make you the worst version of yourself. I am seeing that especially in a long distance relationship one of my top needs is communication that looks like phone calls/video calls regularly (daily if possible, if not every other day), and with a time frame given. That would allow me to relax and know that I don’t have to worry about missing a call because we’ve already established a time. It would allow me to relax by feeling connected and safe. It would allow me to be more giving, knowing that the person I’m with still wants me and wants what I have to give/offer. It would allow the relationship to move forward in a more steady way, and I can feel safe to build and go out of my way for the other person.

I don’t know what to do, because I have already tried taking communication breaks with Charlie and I just end up suffering. I don’t want to end this, not even close. I know that he needs space, but I think we just have to have a more focused conversation of time frame. It would be easier for me to hang in there if I knew ow long I would be hanging to pace myself and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Being strung along like this is just not fun. I am worried of being too much and coming across as too much, too early, too fast. But then again he did photoshop our heads on a bride and groom. I’m worried that the more he gets to know me, since he was so smitten at the beginning knowing nothing about me, that he’s going to lose interest or get bored because now there’s not this hidden element.

I need to talk to him and actually be vulnerable and let him in on all these inner conversations. There just hasn’t been the right moment and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to set time aside right now when he’s couch surfing and working so hard. Having to suppress your needs and deny them is really hard and frustrating. I’m sure the person that he’s getting right now is not a person that he’s particularly psyched about either. I don’t like this oberanalyzing Cali. The Cali that’s trying to be strategic to not be vulnerable, and is actively suppressing her needs.

So I think the mature thing to do is just go along with the day to day and trust that he will call when he can, and when I get him on the phone and we’re actually talking I will ask him when would be a good time to have a vulnerable talk. If he’s in a space to do it in the moment or if he needs a few days/hours/weeks, and then trust and believe him, accepting his answer. Because if I don’t let him in on how I’m feeling and check in with him, there’s no chance of things changing.

[highlonelylustfull]

3-July-2019

I was just listening to Tess’ latest Marco Polo of wisdom with a theme of HOW and WHY am I feeling this way. Taking the time to lean into that feeling, to pay attention to the toddler tugging at your skirt, even when you're exhausted, in a kind loving way, instead of ignoring them, snapping, and having that feeling take a walk around the block and continue to come back to you in other ways until you can lean in and learn the lesson. She also said that she would do for my person what Joan did with Steven for her. Give them the low down basically. Heres how she is, here's what she needs, ect. 

So let’s dive into this bunchiness:

I am feeling very anxious about whether Charlie likes me or not, if he resents leaving Georgie, and if he will or would go back to her. How did this start? It started a few days after the first message he sent me reaching out, and it started by really understanding what he sacrificed for me to be in this relationship, and understanding the stakes. Why? I think because once you have something precious, especially something that you have been holding so tightly onto the mere idea of, and obsessing over, an immediate panic sets in. Knowing what its like to live without it, and now having this beautiful gem, but with having comes the fear of losing. And I think think is fundamentally why I dont want to sate anymore. I want to have, and know. I dont want to fear the loss. However I am coming to see that there is no point in a relationship where you 100% are not going to lose this person, mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. That possibility of loss is the yin to the yang of having. If you do not have, you cannot lose, but also what can you gain? The PTSD of my relationship with Matt has lead me to be weary of anyone leaving a relationship especially for another person, and become aware of the possibility of them getting back together. I have seen it myself with Matt. It is almost always easier and more appealing an idea to go back to what is comfortable, where you can slip back into the old routine, than having to find someone new, create something new, build a new foundation all over again. Why am I so terrified, because I am afraid of being abandoned, and worse traded in for someone I know doesn't treat them as well as I could/would. 

I am also feeling really anxious about how to go about this, being careful not to be too much, and trying to censor myself to not be pushy or overbearing. How did I get here? After being told my whole life how intense, and how much I am, I have grown cautious to be my whole self, expressly. Why, I have seen people give me the deer in headlights looks, when I cross their line of how much is too much, how fast is too fast ect, and how that makes them retreat and ultimately abandon me. Or lead me to leave first before I could ever be abandoned. But I think I need to first find that safety, and intimacy with Charlie, in order to fully express my muchness, and let him know that this is who I am. Although, I was being my crunchy self picking flowers and what not in London, and that's the girl that he fell in love with. The one who texts a bunch of times to make sure she gets it all out and is understood, and that allowed him to be intense as well, there just always seems to be this touchy subject of Georgie, and I am still unaware of how to manoeuvre that. I want him to feel comfortable and safe with me, to create that foundation of intimacy and safety, trust, and love, but I think I also need to ask him for that in return. Because then this could become a situation once again where I am giving more than I am receiving, and grow resentful. So I need to ask for that, but what does that even look like for me?

My first instinct is access. Access to be able to at least view his instagram page.. what is he hiding? Access to know what is going on in his life, via him disclosing everything. Access to his inner emotional turmoil to know truly where he stands with Georgie and with me in these moments. Access to his internal plan calendar to know if he is really planning on coming to Madrid and seeing me, or if its just a lovely thought. I want the VIP all access pass to Charles’ inner workings, which is an intense thing to ask for, but also something that I would be willing to give, and would be honoured and delighted to divulge.  There is a basic level of trust established, but I think that in order to build that trust up and up, I need to see some serious actions. I need more confirmation and assurance. And I would love to know what it is that he needs from me in order to continue to build trust. 

I’m worried this is a one way street, which doesn’t make sense in reality because he has been hitting the ball back in my court will equal force in terms of words, actions, and fantasies. At the beginning I saw that this could be a man to love with as much intensity as me. That deeply understands that. That is also as protective and possessive of the ones he loves as I am with my family. How did I get here? The distance since he has broken up with Georgie has made me question quite a bit. I know that its because he's getting his head screwed on right, and yet that distance is fucking scary. Why, because it means that this person that I care about so deeply, and so much could be experiencing a whole variety of things, and I won't be a part of them. It feels lonely. It leaves me wanting that deep, intense connection that feels so reassuring, like there will be no surprises. Surprises are scary, especially after all the trauma of my life. It’s disorienting. I dont like not being in control, or at least on the same page and understanding deeply what it is that’s going on. 

The things that I was talking about with Gwen yesterday were honestly scary and alarming. That I have given Charlie all the control, that he's been having the upper hand in this whole relationship and I’ve been just waiting on him. It sounds and feels very patronising, disempowering, and belittling. I dont want to ever be in a relationship where one person has all or the majority of power over the other. I want to be fighting next to, not against my partner. I want to be on the same level, not a pedestal above or on my knees below. I think that has been a big reason why I had no respect for the men who I was with, and I know they had me on a pedestal. That they just wanted to not upset me, and knowing that you have all the power isn't fun, because then they're not your partner, they're not your equal. And what I want above all else is someone that can stand up to my intenseness, and not lose their footing. To correct me when I’m wrong, and to more than anything, not to be afraid of me. Just as the last thing on Earth that I want in a partner is to be afraid of them. Thats not a relationship thats a dictatorship as we used to say in PQ. 

I just had a thought of the two diverging rods and the thing that scares me about Charlie, is that I know its my turn right now to be the lighthouse, whinging my light whether he can see it or not, whether he's ready to g back to shore or not, and just be. Stand firm and strong. But, the fear is what if those paths don’t ever come back together? What is he sails straight out into the night and doesn’t ever come back? What then? Abandonment. I can see that most all of these fears are of abandonment.