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[highly-misfortunate-softie]

Feelings of today

I woke up depressed and hazy today, and that just devolved into major depression.

My dreams last night began with my abusive ex boyfriend from 9 years ago breaking into my house at night, not doing anything, really, but I suppose he was just showing me that he still could and would.

The other dream I sort of remember was being in my parents house with my most recent ex, and having a much healthier conversation with him about the breakup than I did in actuality. I was with him, but I scratched the message into a boat of some sort (that resembled one we rode in Las Vegas) and the message was essentially that I didn’t really feel a spark with him, either, and so that isn’t what hurt me, but rather that I think a relationship is a heavy commitment where you really take someone’s safety and well-being into your hands, and you accept the obligation to really try hard and long to make it work, which is why I stayed with him, and that I think he at least could have been honest with me about having made the mistake of asking me to be his girlfriend instead of blindsiding me after making me feel safe when I wasn’t.

I wish I could have this conversation with him. But I really think he would still just sit there and try to placate me anyway, which would only hurt me more. Truth is all I want.

I wrote an apology text to him from saying cruel things to him (though I don’t even think they were cruel, they were my real feelings… and here is where I wonder whether I am autistic or something: I understand what kinds of things offend people, but I don’t actually understand why or agree that it’s valid if it’s the real truth. What could be more important than that? But I wonder if I can actually handle the truth. I think I can.)

I hated sending the apology because I’m not sorry and I meant everything I said. I was just trying to force myself to act like an atypical person, even though I really believe I don’t need to apologize for him being too weak to listen to the thoughts of someone criticizing him, who isn’t saying things just to upset him, but rather to have a real conversation now that he, himself, showed me that respect and the game of pretending to protect the other’s feelings is no longer a factor between us. It makes me want to throw up even thinking about apologizing for such a thing, but whatever, maybe another time I will have more answers about why that might have been a good idea. He didn’t answer anyway. I wish he would come over so I could cry and tell him how I feel and he could see that he genuinely hurt me.. and I could receive comfort from him. I think that would provide some closure for me. I don’t really know how to show people my emotions, especially sadness or anger, but I definitely long to.

Then, because I was desiring comfort, I started thinking about how I have nobody to provide that for me. And I thought about Carl, and how I feel like he isn’t a real friend and never really has been. He doesn’t treat me like his other friends, and he refuses to go out of his house with me even though he does with other people. And.. when I go over, it feels like he only hangs out with me out of obligation before pressuring me pretty heavily to be sexual with him. A means to an end. I never want to have sex with him, but I have never gone over and not had sex with him, and it is never him trying to please me… it is always just him making me please him. I don’t even like to ride or suck dick but he makes me do it every single time. I just wanted somewhere safe and mellow to go and that’s what I was paying to delude myself that that was the place I could find it. Plus last time I was there, and he was drunk, he kept saying kind of aggressively that I should just tell him we are going to have sex and how long I will be there for, and get right to it. I didn’t even really understand it because he is usually polite, but it hurt my feelings. I decided I probably shouldn’t ever see Carl again.

I texted him about my feelings about it in a pretty nice way, but his response seemed like he put basically no effort into it… It was the kind of response I give if I can’t muster up any genuine care and just want to appease the situation quickly, and end the conversation.

When I got it, I just cried, and wished so badly that people would just be honest with me because it’s so cruel to keep me stuck caring about someone with the string of hope they might care, too, and being hurt constantly because they show me the opposite. I always want to work toward a better relationship with those people, and it pains me to have all of these conflicting feelings about it. If he just wanted me for sex, he should just tell me so I could show up if I felt like it, and just leave, without getting more invested or introducing those very dangerous feelings of care and attachment. Same with my most recent ex. If he had just told me his doubts along, I could have protected myself. These people think they’re being nice, but they’re putting my life at risk just to protect themselves from believing they did anything wrong under the guise of having “only been nice.”

It’s fucking cruel. Don’t enter my life in the first place. You’re dangerous and I don’t deserve to die.