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[highonthought]

Hello? Nexplanon?? Are u home???

I feel so emotional, like crying. And I’ve been having these crazy vivid dreams and my arm still hurts. But I don’t know if the emotion and dream stuff is from my birth control or if it’s just how I am? I feel crazy! I want someone sturdy to rely on right now and, I think I just have to be sturdy myself

[highonthought]

J an me

I really despise that all I write about in this online journal is relationship stuff but that is just usually what ails me. J just has such a stressful life right now.  but I feel like he always does, and he’s always complaining. And I feel like the past several times is when we hang out he’s just not in a good mood to the point where I don’t know if he’s in a place to be in a relationship. Or if I am. I am just spending so much of my money on this relationship. Not enough I hate this way just like, there’s not a third place to hang out where we don’t have to spend money, we always have to spend money to see each other. And I just don’t think that’s sustainable in the long run. Especially if neither one of us can move out anytime soon. I don’t wanna move out just to keep a relationship.

 I know he’s dealing, not dealing. He’s grieving the loss of a friend. So I really am taking everything with the grain of salt and I’m trying to be understanding. But I just feel so stressed and anxious when I’m with him and even before his grief, he just felt like my time was not valued as much as his time. Like, When I work. Especially when I work he just wants me to like be on my phone or something. Or for my job where I kind of work from home, I’m supposed to rearrange things to fit them in. Which I’m happy to do when I can, but sometimes I’m losing work in order to Hang out with him. I haven’t communicated the work thing with him just because I’m trying to be better but my communication so I don’t blame him for that. It’s like he’s super hyperactive, or super stressed and there’s no one between. And both are a lot for me because, I’ll be tired from stress, feel like I’m taking it on. And then he’s very hyperactive and let’s do this. Let’s have sex, and I just can’t because I’m kind of exhausted my head hurt. And I want to be a good girlfriend and just listen, but idk. I dont want to be high maintenance either, I know he has a lot on his plate right now.

He also just let himself be stressed out so easily by the people around. On top of the things that are fixed in his life. He is really sensitive. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing but it’s taking a toll on my energy? I’m picking up some exhaustion points. I don’t wanna make it about me, but I don’t know how to not do that. I don’t think I want to see him tomorrow after work, but as his girlfriend, I feel like I probably should? His car broke down last night. The last time his car broke down. I put a lot of money in that and I told him he didn’t have to repay me and I meant that. But I also don’t want to make a pattern of it .

I don’t know if I’m feeling an exaggerated version of this because of the hormones from my new birth control, or if I’m PMS it because I’m about to start my cycle, if I even start my cycle. Or this is maybe genuine emotion? I feel like a whittle down number two pencil 

[highonthought]

I keep trying to tell my bf that i love him and bro is just so locked in on the show were wagching y me regaña bc i just keep looking at him!!! silly boy 😔

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It feels like when i talk its yapping, when they talk i ts convo

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Are we dating?

Gang asked me that today in my car after we had some canes. Yeaaa we go on dates. So, i guess yea we are dating. But im not anybody’s girlfriend.  I’m a dumbass and started referring to him as my boyfriend to strangers, people I don’t really know and don’t bother explaining the whole spiel to. “A guy that I’m seeing“ was apparently too much for my mouth that day LMAO. But he’s definitely not my boyfriend. 

If I was to be somebody’s girlfriend again, they better ask me point-blank, while on a romantic date, with flowers in hand. I like plans. I like certainty. I hate driving. I like being listened to.

And so far, he is really nice, and sweet, and he enjoys my weird. It’s so off putting to me after not having had that, somebody actually reveling in my weird ass nonsense. And I like it. I just wish I was a little more baby girl . 

My main point, I want flowers. It’s easy. it’s so easy to just get me flowers. I hate only getting flowers as an apology. And it was a weak as apology too. flowers are a good thing. Flowers are a symbol. I love gifts, but the flowers is such an easy fantasy to fulfill that if somebody doesn’t, I think that’s that. I won’t feel ashamed for having drawn the line at something as small as flowers.

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Freakin bumble man 😂

So the dance guy ive been talking to is actually mad fucking fun 🙄😜. I hope these emojis show up on the desktop version

Ok so anyway my last weekend:

Dude im trying so hard to remeber how this weekend started, ive seen him a lot this weekend. Oh ok thats right the vintage market. So i hadnt seen this dude in almost two weeks since the first date we went on. And i wasnt sure if i was going to again at that point, bc our schedules kept not syncing up and he was busy, or i was busy.

I was going to the night Market with bestie and her friend, and this guy texted that day saying “oh you should come see me at the market, im going to be MCing the dance battle.” And i was like worm ok! Im going to that anyway! So us girls go, look around, i say hello to him. He’s doing his thing on the mic, talking to me, doing his thing on the mic. It was cute, he kept coming back to me haha. He would take some steps away to be closer to the sound system bc of the range on the mic. And we’re talking, he asks me what im doing after, i say NOTHING WHAT YOU DOING BBGIRL (but more cool and slick lmao). So he says hes off at 930. I leave and go back to my friends, we walk around and look at the clothes, we leave to get some food, i didnt eat much bc i was hoping to actually go out after with this guy. And ok so like the way he talks, hes very coy, cery go with the flow, and im not always sure what is a joke or if he fr want me (LMAO), so at that point i still wasnt sure if i was going to die anything with him after. But i showed vstie the texts with this guys and she told me that yea, he for sure wanted to hang with me after. So they drop me back off at the market at 930, but wait for me in the parking lot just in case. The plan was for me to go chat up the guy snd see what the move was, then text them and let them know if i was staying or going with them. BUT, i felt bad about making them wait that i texted them “ok u can go” before i even talked to the guy. Dude, i was nervous to go up and talk to him again bc he was around all his friends and i was now ALONE. If he had said no, the plan was for me to just uber home bc bestie had driven me there. But ANYWAY, i say hi, he says hes going tonhelp cleanup the dj and aound setup and i can meet up out in the lobby after im done shopping. And i was like OMG YAAAYY (on the inside, bc i really like him, he rizzed me tf up, hes cery goody and silly and fun to be around).

And we go to dennys after. Dennys was fun, hes a good chat. I hate when people kill conversations and he wasnt doing that. OK but then after Denny’s, he drives me home, and he made a joke of like oh you should try and sneak me in and I said OK for real. So I go inside my house and double check if my family is asleep, they weren’t so I go back to his car to say goodbye And as a joke, I said to him that he could come back in like two hours, basically at 2 AM, and he could sneak in then. And he said OK! He really said yeah OK I could do that! So he stayed in the area with some friends and then he came back at two fucking AM LMAO. And I did sneak him in . And rachel got some ACCCTIOOOON. Quietly bc my parnets were still asleep in their room. And he stayed the night until 7 am -oop 😅😳. I had sonmuch fun, hes so cute and hes a big cuddler. Bros got pretty ass eyes fr. I like, coulndt sleep tho bc i was scared i would sleep through my alarm and not sneak him back out in the morning hahah. Ok so this was all friday night, and i snuck him out saturday morning.

On SATURDAY! my friends invite me to go out to the bars at night and I do. And I was texting that guy, and told him that I would be kind of near his city, and he said that he might come and see me. So I told my friends that, I told him that I might dip towards the end of the night to go be with this guy. But the bar we ended up going to was kind of farther away and guess what? He still came to get me 💀. I was so excited and happy he was literally like 25 minutes away so he did he came and he got me and we drove around, got jack in the box, and we made out and he took me back to where my car was parked in my friends place, and I don't know what we said but we ended up deciding to get a motel, so we go to Motel 6 and Rachel has another rendezvous and she was happy as fuck. ANNNDDD in the morning too. Anyway hes good in bed prrrrrr 😅😂😂😂. It was actually so fun not having to be quiet. He has really nice lips. Ok so that was saturday night to sunday morning when we checked out of the hotel

ON SUNDAY, he went to work, but he works in my city and he texted me wanting to hang out after he got off work :))) 😇😇. He brought us food from the place he works at, and we had a little picnic at the park and walked around. Dude im so mad, hes super cute and i cant stop thinking abouuuttt himmmmm. Im just going through this weekend over in my head bc BROO STOOOPP. I really, i cant. I wont him 👁️ 👄 👁️. But, ive known him barely two weeks lol, so we’ll see. Im having a lot if fun tho :)

[highonthought]

futile bumble swipe, nightly routine

ok so not everynight. But you know when im not busy and got all my shit done. I founf a guy i actually want to sleep with, and now ive never wanted my family to be out if town more LMAO. but whatevs. I just want a casual thing, and context clues so far say that this guy cant bring me back to his place so oh well! I guess back to the drawing board.

in other news i am killin it on this faux leather essay.

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i love being fun n flirty

[highonthought]

u know what so funny is as of like two weeks ago i am very fine. im giggling and i went on a few dates that really helped me see that actually he was right lmao (skull emoji). We were not for eachother. It hasnt affected me at all anymore. Swag

bleehhhh

I so badly wanted to respond to him, to say "i care too", "ill be here too". I know if i do that, I'll be waiting for a response. And maybe he will reply, but i will never stop waiting for another response. If i choose to keep him in my contacts, in my mind, ill never stop. That cant be good for me. He doesnt want me. It makes me so mad that he broke my heart and continues to show me some sort of twisted kindness. I am weak around him. He says he cares for me. Ha, if he cared then how can he not knmow that him reaching out again is breaking me. I think, maybe this is his attempt to ease his guilt. I care for him still, which is why i opened the message, to show the read receipt, then deleted the thread. If i did respond to him, id either embarrass myself by being vulnerable to some man who does not love me, or god forbid he does still care what i say, I would be insufferably cruel to him. What would i even say? "dont read out again, we cannot be friends". Thats about all i can think to say. The very base of the truth.

[highonthought]

lets go digital footprint!

sometimes i forget i can write here instead of publishing my entire life on tiktok and other social media LMAO. Anyway, its so embarrassing talking to boys (crying emoji).

ok so i messaged a guy rn asking if he wanted to go to the local arts festival tomorrow, and his response was "i work at 4". And my dumbass responded with "oh the event is 10am-5pm".

LIKE BESTIES? DID HE ACTUALLY MEAN NO???? (more crying emojis)

was that a nice way of saying no? and i didnt pick that up? i feel dumb. Its fine ig, i dont really know this guy. Hes really cool though, at least i my eyes. Seems like a pretty chill guy. And i mean, I didnt know what he meant so i guess my response is fine? I just dont want to seem persistant, especially bc i dont really know him. We went on one date. Im just trynna bone homeboy tbh. Little fwb action ya know what i mean. Mama needs some action after the year shes had. RACHEL NEEDS A PLAYDATE LMAOOOOO.

ok im done. in my hoe eraaa. (she says as all she really wants to do is go on haha hehe dates) idk, i just have to get along with a guy before s3x. unfortunate, i know. But, ce la vi. Lets go sex and the city.

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[highonthought]

bleehhhh

I so badly wanted to respond to him, to say "i care too", "ill be here too". I know if i do that, I'll be waiting for a response. And maybe he will reply, but i will never stop waiting for another response. If i choose to keep him in my contacts, in my mind, ill never stop. That cant be good for me. He doesnt want me. It makes me so mad that he broke my heart and continues to show me some sort of twisted kindness. I am weak around him. He says he cares for me. Ha, if he cared then how can he not knmow that him reaching out again is breaking me. I think, maybe this is his attempt to ease his guilt. I care for him still, which is why i opened the message, to show the read receipt, then deleted the thread. If i did respond to him, id either embarrass myself by being vulnerable to some man who does not love me, or god forbid he does still care what i say, I would be insufferably cruel to him. What would i even say? "dont read out again, we cannot be friends". Thats about all i can think to say. The very base of the truth.

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no thanks, i think ill live

"I just want you to know that ill always care about you. I may not be able to fulfill a romantic relationship but I want you to know that I'm always a call away if you need to talk to someone."

copy and pasted from daniel tonight, mind u i haven't texted him since he broke up with me.

Ummmmmm no. Yeah, how about no. A romantic relationship is 80% friendship. As long as we are friends, I will never stop loving you. We cannot be friends. I need to be able to move on. I have friends to talk to. I have my siblings and my mom. Hey! Id rather go to reddit! YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE!!! REMEMBER?? THAT HURT! GO AWAYYYY.

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11/12/2023

made out with a girl at the bar last night, i think i am one hundo straight lmoa. When I got home i felt guilty, not about gay, about danny. It still feels wrong to flirt or mack out with other people. Today, i really felt the weight of being single. I feel like there is a sandbag sitting on my heart. I was excited to tell him about my new job. I know hes different. But, i dont long for whoever he is now, I miss the boyfriend i used to have. Knowing this helps me to not reach out to him. I havent really had the urge to speak to him at all. I know, hes not the person i knew anymore. hes not dead, but he is gone. Also, mom and dad arent home this weekend, so i feel extra alone at home. I used to call danny on weekends when theyd be away like this. I miss my mom's hugs. Im going to get some good sleep tonight, reset, and start fresh tomorrow. Im grateful to have enough work to keep me busy.

[highonthought]

Guys I’m actually balling today, Troy Bolton on my dick type beat 🏀⛹️‍♀️⛹️⛹️‍♂️

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things im mad about

i was choreographing a lap dance to Motivation. His loss! it was fun! and sexy! I will now reallocate my talent in dance to EXID group dances, and Reba. Reba knows best. REEEEBBBAAAAAAAA

[highonthought]

why dont you love me? What changed