hihow1000 - Tumblr blog

[hihow1000]

I hate asthma and myself but what’s the real difference

I did end up cheaping out on emotional availability and am posting this here rather than in my server w/ friends. My missspellings and errors are done to accomodate the discord text limit. At least writing and expressing myself thaat way made me feel a little bit better, though being a coward hurts in a different way that also makes me want to cry. The message exists unedited(except for changing my name to my username) below: I dislike my own complaining so I'm putting these in spoiler tags ||[I will note, at the beginning of the spoiler tag that one big reason I dislike complaining is that I find it very depressing whenever I do it. Though I cant get an objective look at my own situation, them being my words, though earnestly expressed, still make me sad. So why, Hihow, do I write this then? Several reasons, first is that just keeping thoughts in the ol' noggin isn't helpful. Another is that going to my secret tumblr account and complaining there isn't any more fun and, ultimately, can only really end poorly(though expressing myself into the anonymous void is certainly *something*), thirdly (and lastly{not least because I don't like the change in ordinal counting that comes with a fourth item}) is that people do generally care and I gotta stop trying to convince myself that they dont (though obviously not reading this isn't indicative of not being a friend{I dont read all the vent posts nor should ppl if they dont want}) choosing to read about what's going on with me is a choice that I, often and need to stop, making for people and doing that only really harms me through unnecessary self isolation(Note 4 ppl b/c I feel it needed: I wrote the prior text after the main piece)]|| ||I do enjoy the nebulizer, I can breathe much easier than before. But now I am stuck shaking and I don't get back my fine motor control that I lost from the lack of air that prompts the use of a nebulizer. Though rest assured if I hadn't waited the extra few hours I still would've lost out on control, it just would've been a slower realization that my clumsiness isn't from my hands shaking or my rapid changes in energy but because I still can't get enough air despite the medicine. An all around worse experience.||

[hihow1000]

You know what's really not fun? Maladaptive daydreams aren't fun. Like i haven't been able to go longer than a day or two without being caught up in some imagined moment of extreme violence. Whether it be against myself or others and i just don't know how I am continuing to live without them bleeding out. Like, while walking down the street: oh dang what if those guys up there called me slurs and tried to jump me how would I die or beat them up or go a little to far and fuck up my life by killing them. It's not fun. It's really really fucking disturbed and I don't know how to stop them and obviously acting on any of those thoughts is out of the question; so it's just me out here having extremely troubling thoughts alone, just alone. How would I even go about telling someone about this, when they're an actual person? Talking to my therapist is hard enough.

On a side note i saw a quote Ina die that really spoke to my (and i imagine others') experience. It was something like, "thanks for becoming a role model in my life, I didn't have a positive male role model in my youth to teach me how to advocate for myself and give me that toolbox. I've been thinking about that a lot. Like i just don't have the tools and trying to continue to indicate necessary modes of communication between myself and others is tiring and difficult and literally just me trying to come to an understanding of current culture and interaction by myself. Because how do you ask a friend/peer for help. How do you ask a therapist for that matter. I can't be emotionally open with people without them asking me a very direct question on the topic because I'm just not capable of talking about myself to others in that way without having an external factor demanding a response. How bad is that, how do you communicate that to anyone. Let me tell you. You were anonymous posts about it in a blog that you expect no one to see but how that somehow someone who had experienced something similar or at least understands says something, reaches out in any way. And not being patient enough, not delusional enough, to actually think that will happen and fully understand that these words, while screamed into an open room, scrawled and painted into the walls, has absolutely nothing to draw anyone in and will go unnoticed just like the other people doing the exact same thing.

[hihow1000]

Quick Q(not really a question more just me actually wanting to talk about this in a place where probably no one will see it, but it still counts as me speaking something into reality where the off chance exists that someone will see it and be able to offer me or browbeat me into more specific action than i currently intend) Has anyone else after a while of "not really caring about gender and sex and stuff find themselves as indiscriminately bi (or pan or whatever(while still having a preference which drives me to doubt myself))" find themselves looking back to their earlier thoughts and find themselves reevaluating things under their current view and along with more prescient things happening presently concerning how I see myself gender wise that I may be (at the least) non-binary?

Is this a common path of self discovery people find themselves on, or am I just confusing myself or both probs both. I'm not really asking for comments or anything as i don't think people will see this but I do want smth from posting this, mostly no one I know finding this.

[hihow1000]

THIS is the take I need. Thank you!!

I also want to say something. I support Saccharina and I support Amethar. Who I do not support is Caramelinda who after just learning that this man's wife died and I mean next day, AT LEAST, suggests to KILL HIS DAUGHTER! And Amethar protests for almost a full sentence but then is cut off and goes right back to not confronting so he's able to fight a war in peace. Amethar and Ruby have been distant with Saccharina but they do believe in her. Its who she's with that they don't like. Amethar wants to love her, but he is rightfully scared of not only losing her, but fucking up as a dad. Not to mention caring for the grieving daughter he did raise. Amethar will not let someone hurt Saccharina. Ruby might not let someone hurt Saccharina. Caramelinda has had love and family and power taken from her by these wars and even though Amethar doesn't agree, Ruby doesn't think Saccharina is the problem, she will have no problem getting the one thing she can get back even if it means everyone hates her: The throne. I love Caramelinda. She is nuanced as fuck but I will not support her. Everyone but her is valid, she has pushed away all her allies. That includes the rocks family because when this fight is over, whether they trust Saccharina as queen or not, whether they see each other as family or not, no one is going to kill her for this throne.

That's my take on Team Amethar. And I got a lot to say on Theo.