hiramours

[hiramours]

2 days ago, was the birthday of someone I like/love. I have always wanted to treat him on the birthday, like the way my girls did to me. I got the chance tho. But when he asked, “why would you STILL be into me”.

It slaps, when the utterance of words really came from the person himself. Kalau kawan cakap, memang macam angin lalu la. Heart wants what it wants. Tp bila he said it himself, macam, haah la. You’re not so kind with me pun. Your efforts in friendship neither match mine. What’s there to hold onto kalau theres actually none.

Dia sendiri rasa pelik. Mcm, tak patut la aku buat mcm ni. Bukannya kita pernah ada apa apa pun. And its embarasssing thinking chasing someone who obvly doesnt like u back.

I am ready to let him go. And spread my wings to give chance…for myself to not, not accepting, the chance of getting good people.

Anywayss these were my snaps during recent cycling at putrajaya.

[hiramours]

Doesnt it feels surreal here. I wish i could stay here in forever evenings and mornings.

[hiramours]

Today i went to IOI to get that damn out of stock langkasuka lipshine. I didnt know my fav is everyone’s sweetheart. Bayangkan my utmost dedication and passion towards this syedewa brand hahah.

[hiramours]

Motherly instinct kicks in—

Anyone who is close to me knows that i dont really… like kids. Not really dislike, but more to awkward. I’m struggling to socialise with adults. Whats more for kids. I dont know how to talk to them, how to act around them. Like we are soo different.

But lately, i feel like i want my own baby. I want to experience those nasty pregnancies. I want to be emotional and not logical. I want to hv someone to protect and someone to rely on. A purpose.

[hiramours]

My new ipad cover — i have always been cautious on the color picking because i dont want the stain to be obvious. When you put your ipad everywhere, it tend to stain. So everyone advise to get safe color. But this time, i pick color thats my fav color. Blue pastel. Alah beli je lah lagi kalau dh rosak kotor 🤣 it soon will. Whatever color u pick. And ive been waiting for the cover to arrive. I m so happy with the color. Will not regret it. Mom said ive been wasting time watching kdrama with this ipad but you know, it’s been helping me coping those loneliest and hopeless days. Now i m happy its never been cuter !

[hiramours]

Felt cute today.

[hiramours]

Its been 6months+.

I no longer woke up, looking at my dry phone, feeling the ache of loneliness and anxiety. No texts from friends nor anybody. I am ready to take another round of sleep, or scrolling tru my tiktok and twitter, adding items into shopee cart, and checking bar council’s vacancy, until i am ready to take shower and start the day at 1.30pm. Depends on my mood and seri kembangan’s weather.

I am grateful. That i sleep without having to check any man’s phone. That i sleep knowing girls my age are getting pregnant but i m just chilling. That i sleep knowing i do not have to fear any man is cheating on me. That i sleep knowing i spent my money on myself and not on dates.

How privilege i am to get to worry about unemployment. Thinking that some, might having to worry about their cancer treatments, cheating husband, hubungan tanpa status (hts), family’s financial crisis. I m still living under my parents’ mercy. I m basically still — a baby.

Ive been marathon-ing kdramas and romcoms. I love rewatching my childhood kdramas. Tbh i dont know whats the latest kdrama on hit. I just rewatched whatever i found enjoyable to watch during my childhood days — Doctor strangers, extraordinary attorney woo, my love from the stars. I m planning to rewatch To The Beautiful You or Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo. Watching sambil makan ramen cheese. It would remind me the good old days masa studycation dengan genk dsla haha. So lagha of me.

I dont have ibadah targets anymore on this ramadhan, like i used to before. I only have one, which is, to consistently terawikh at surau. Yea i lost hope in life. So i hope being in majlis ilmu, would at least help me to collect some pahala.

The thoughts of boys no longer linger my mind. Day by day, i always think about eating sukiya or jukgaejang Dobuyo or yakiniku from sukiya bowl, or Beef Teppan set from Nippon Sushi. I am thinking about going there alone, since i am unemployed, i have the privilege of time. So unfortunate my unemployment starts on ramadhan. But fortunately i got to savor my mom’s cookings every single day.

Someday, I’ll wait for an announcement from my local badminton community about open slots for a game on weekend. What a refreshing and productive way to fulfil a weekend. Someday i would just wait if any my friends would invite me to any of their plans.

Yea i cant complain much. Ini ke yang dinamakan tenang?

[hiramours]

I personally feel like the colors and patern that this kebaya hold is pretty. The material also good. They got lots of colors. I dont know why am i so attracted to colorful things. Cheerful ambience. I love it.

[hiramours]

Aku suka gilaa tasik ni. Lebih daripada taman rekreasi bukit jalil. Lebih daripada taman saujana hijau. Lebih daripada tasik putrajaya persint 18. Sebab tasik sini lawa dan track tak jauh sangat. Very ghibli vibes.

[hiramours]

Attending my friend’s akad nikah day. I hope they would build a family of sakinah mawaddah warrahmah. I hope they build a family that i hope i had. A family fulfilled with love, compassion, responsibility and loyalty.

[hiramours]

My weekend routine — kadang2 join badminton kalau takda aktiviti lain dgn kawan. It is sooo exciting! Jumpa kenal orang baru. Every week new people. Then semua sabar je even i am soo beginner. Every week improving. It was fun. Splendid! Ada yang sanggup ajar. Sabar je dengan aku yg blur dgn points and rules. Sini, no one knows me.

[hiramours]

Ive started my journey as a legal associate. These are my first 4days working outfit. Outfit hari keempat takde. I hate to bear the burden of a so called lawyer. I hold huge accountibility. I dont even know what to do. Aku still google kot.

Now the pros about this place are,

1. Near my house. And its fking Putrajaya, a v lovely place, place i m familiar and grow up with.

2. Nice firm setting (siap ada makeups, perfumes, dry toilets, tissue toilet, proper pantry). Besar.

3. Provide handphone and computer for work purpose.

4. Free lunch on Friday.

5. All Malay (sorry racist but need to admit it do feel nicer to be around people with same race bcs we feel lot more in common and convenient with the culture and religion setting).

6. Strategic location. Firm atas watson. With all the fav unhealthy fancy drink company around that walking distance.

7. Bos bukan jenis maki. But i hear them micromanage.

8. Ada pelan meja diberi utk recognise org ni duduk meja mana.

Cons

1. Low wadge starting (same starting like my small chambering firm)

2. Takde career growth (buat banking je, which just a field that exist to provide rolling modal utk firm)

3. Not so generous with Public Holiday and AL. Sebab ikut akta kerja katanya. Imagine kena kerja masa raya cina satu hari.

4. Tak cover parking (which cost rm70 montly)

5. Not willing to provide training allowance yg cost ribu2. (Eventho firm can be exempt from cukai)

6. Bayar murah tapi nak work independantly.

7. Takde banyak company benefit. Tak terima time slip (kena tolak hours from MC). Takde time off. Takde EL (dikira unpaid leave).

8. Claim buat syariah practice tapi lawyer syarie cuma satu then mostly buat pusaka stuffs.

9. Takde lanyard (access card). Tp guna finger print and punch card.

Tbh hampir semua firm mcm ni. Cuma rasa uncomfortable dgn leaves and holiday policy. Like so inconsiderate. Aku tak sanggup

[hiramours]

I always hated these pictures of myself.

I bet you didnt notice that my teeth is crooked that most times i cant properly close my lips.

I always hated these pictures of myself.

I bet you didnt notice that ugly gummy smile, that some times the left side gummy appear higher that the right side.

I always hated these pictures of myself.

But i bet you didnt notice how irregular and big my teeth shape is.

I always hated these picture of myself.

But you probably couldnt tell how my shoulder is so much bigger than my hip. I hate my inverted triangle body.

I always hated these pictures of myself.

But you probably couldnt tell how big my cheeks are.

I always hated these picture of myself.

But i bet you didnt notice how big my eyebags are till at one point its the thing that made me look older.

But these pictures collectively tell that i am happy and happy looks pretty so i guess its okay. Embrace my insecurities. Sebenarnya its not that its non noticable. Its kinda obvious hahaha.

[hiramours]

I hope she realises that i love her

[hiramours]

Aku nak lelaki yang macam itu macam ini. But in the end i will always choose the most redflag guy. The one that just want to lust, not love. The one that lies. The one that gave mixed signal, vague statements. The one that cross boundaries. The one that never show up for dates, flowers, constant communications and efforts, the one that never love me loudly and let the whole world knows.

I want love that show up for me. Make me their priority. Love that shares deep talking, funny stories and sad one. Unfortunately, …yea very unfortunate of me.

[hiramours]

—Strawberry Parfeit FM

I always consider myself lucky whenever i saw this strawberry parfeit at the family mart store. I always…always got the last piece. Hence, i thought myself lucky enough. Maybe they would restock it later on. But not on the minutes and seconds i arrived at the shelf. It was so tasty that i savor every lick and yums. Whoever created this is so genius. It is sweet, but not overpowering. It is balanced. In fact, GREAT!

[hiramours]

— If truth is cruel, lies must be kind.

Found this on tiktok. Truth is cruel because it hurts and destroys you from within. Then, does that means lies, as opposite of truth, is kind? Sebab yela dah kalau kebenaran tu kejam, then penipuan tu baik la kan? Well nobody said that. They are both equally mean and painful. But to be frank, i dont mind stuck in lies. Because i hate pain. Lies create lies. And i hope the lier do it clean. To recover from truth, it will need me to die and resurrect few times (if succeed). Ive been there. Ive seen myself unable to get up from the painful truth. Seeing someone i loved lied, cheated and broke his promises. Even took something from me for his personal happiness with other woman. Lies, indeed, is kind.