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[hisgrudge]

His Dad Passed

I finally told me close friends the incidents with my ex on the first day of CNY. They were all shocked and advised me to stay away from him. So when we argued about something I can’t rmb, I told him its okay to cut-off (again). Then came the news he was positive Covid, while I was negative (later on positive cos the first test result was wrong). I helped him to find a place to self-quarantine near my home so I could help him if there was something urgent but he asked for the reason I helped him and I wouldn’t say what he wanted. That night I didn’t text him again until the next morning.

Apparently he moved to government quarantine facility at midnight as he said he had difficulty breathing. He left his dad at home alone, and not long after only to find out that his old dad was also positive. His dad needed to stay in the hospital because he shouldn’t be at home alone especially when he has Covid. He and his sis were preparing the administration. That day he was fast asleep, when he texted me again in the morning, he told me his dad was found on the apartment floor. Seemed like he fell and no one was at home to help him. Thankfully he was conscious.. but after two spoonful of congee, his dad stopped being responsive. It was around 9:30AM...

I went to his dad’s funeral this morning. Of course my ex couldn’t attend in person as he was being quarantined. Albeit still feeling unwell, I travelled 2 hours there to pay respect for his dad. His dad was cremated yesterday and buried beside his beloved wife, just like his wish. His dad had a colorful, exciting youth until his one and only love of his wife passed away that everything changed. I hope he rests in peace, found his beloved wife and is smiling happily now. 

[hisgrudge]

22 November 2021

What could be probably worse than having a boyfriend that steals from you? Have a boyfriend that steals from your family. This is really the last straw. I couldn’t apprehend, I couldn’t fathom.. how manipulating and evil he is.

On Friday night, I asked him to let me check his phone. I wanted to check because I found out he gave me fake Coach bag. He told me he had no idea he purchased a fake bag, he used jastip from Singapore. Not finding anything about Coach bag, I was surprised to find his chat history asking around about fake Cartier box, certificate and paper bag. In the beginning of this year, he claimed that he bought a Cartier ring after selling his car. After I asked him what’s this about, he insisted that he was only looking for information and never placed an order on this fake Cartier. It’s true I couldn’t find any transaction but my concern was why was he looking for information about fake stuff? I can’t help but relate it to the fake Coach bag because the chat history for that Cartier was on 12 of July, just before my birthday. Maybe he finally realized that Cartier was way too expensive as a bday gift and turned to Coach bag instead. 

I tried my best to have faith that his love to me is real and true. He assured me that he doesn’t dare to lie anything to me, he has learnt his lesson from past events. I let this unconfirmed matter slip because I want us to have a better and stronger relationship.

He had a job on Sunday morning, had to be at the office by 7AM. So I offered him to stay at my apartment so it’s closer. On Sunday night after he left, my bro told me he stole his money at least twice. My bro left his wallet purposely on the table on Saturday night to test him and he fell for it. I was super shock when I heard my bro said this. He is too evil. He never love me, he is someone with no good intention. 

[hisgrudge]

8 November 2021

I am so dumbfounded.. I couldn’t sleep although I was very exhausted. My boyfriend had a flight to catch at 3AM, so I kept him accompanied until 12.30AM when he left to the airport using Grab. 

I’ve been wanting to check since a week ago.. the birthday gifts he gave me last July, my 30th birthday.. I actually didn’t think to check, but last week he was acting weird. He was wearing his shoes when I went to the toilet. I was quick, very quick, when I opened the door, I caught him standing by the dining table looking at his fingernails, shoes off. He said his shoelace cut his cuticle. But then he didn’t need to take of his shoes, stand besides the dining table to look at his finger.. there was light on the chair he was seating when wearing shoes. I looked at the dining table, my brother’s wallet was there. I became suspicious.. we proceed down to the basement 2 where he parked his motorcycle. I purposely walked behind him, and noticed he touched his left jeans back pocket. So when we said goodbye, I hugged him and wanted to touch his butt but he held my wrist while talking something I didn’t listen to, not letting me touch it. I went back to my unit and opened my brother’s wallet. There was 450. That night, I decided it’s time to buy a spy camera.

My boyfriend has wrong me many times.. I find myself keep forgiving him and take him back. Even when he stole my money, apologize for it, and I end up lending him more money to pay for his bike. I always remind him when I have paid for his parking fee in my apartment, which I think still okay since he paid for petrol. I bought good skin care products for him on our anniversary and he treated me good dinner. I bought him more stuff when he said he needed serum and wanted adidas mask and he treated me good meal. If I am being calculated, our meal was paid evenly, 50 50. When was the last time he bought me gift? Oh, my birthday gift. He said he ordered a Coach bag from Singapore, determined it is authentic. I checked the bag, it’s 100% imitation. He also gave me 2 artisan plates, said the pattern is very special there is only 1 available in the world. I checked Tokopedia, 5 has been sold. And it’s cheap. He also gave me a cheesecake. If the Internet said remember, it’s the thought that counts, right? I’m sorry, but that’s not a good thought.

[hisgrudge]

25 March 2021

I decided to give a try on dating someone I didn’t love, but hopeful. He started to go after me around my 29th birthday (year 2020). Just within a month, we were already dating. He is my current colleague at work, we met in October 2019.

I told him about my baggage. My secrets and my illness. He said nothing has changed, he has loved me since 28uild. He said he will always be there for me, let him accompany me for my routine check up. I told him the reasons I broke up with my ex, one of them is that he was reluctant to know my family. So I was surprised when he came to my hometown to pick me so we can travel back to Jakarta together after a month of dating. Bear in mind that was during the pandemic time, so travelling was more troublesome.

He was true to his words, he always accompanied me to my regular check-up, even to the dentist. He travelled 40km a day to meet me at home, take me out for meals, movies, cheese tea and buy me things. Sometimes during the wet season, he would get caught in the rain or storm. Never once he complaint to me. He said he is willing to do all these for me, because he loves me. He said I’m the one for him and always pray to God about us.

I know I never feel nervous, butterflies in the stomach or electricity with him. He makes me feel like home, like I make him feel too. We have many same perception of life such as view of marriage where a child is not the center of it, we want to have a small private wedding, we should communicate well because its fundamental for relationship and etc.

He is a capable man, he finished his job well and have a good time management. He doesn’t earn much working in NGO, that’s why he accepts side jobs too as a free-lancer. He admits that his side jobs pay him better. He originally planned to quit this NGO after serving for one year but decided to stay because of me. 

Is a man like him truly exist? Or is he acting? I found him lying so many times, even for a small thing such as where he really lives.

I first caught him lying about buying lunch for his ex girlfriend. He swore to God that he didn’t do it and I took his word. But I was determine to check the truth myself, so I checked his phone GrabFood history and found that he did send lunch for her. His reason was he was scared I would get angry because every time we argue, would be because of his ex. I forgave him and told him not to lie about such thing. I am not the crazy jealous gf if he tells me honestly the reason he bought her lunch and asked for my permission. I will be most likely to agree.

Second lies was about where he lives. He lives next to the apartment he told me. He said that’s because he lives with his dad and his dad is very sensitive to noise (he would get angry at him). He admitted after I confronted him 2x having difficulty delivering food to him. I forgave him.

Third time was about his ex again. He promised he wouldn’t contact his ex behind me but he did it again. He even asked his cousin to meet them at MOI although it didn’t happen (I read the chat). He told me he needed to talk to his ex about her unpaid credit card balance because the bank contacted him and demand for payment as he is her guarantor if she cannot pay her credit card balance. Apparently his ex was still mad because he was dating me so she told him off and asked him to get help from his current girlfriend (me). Hearing that I was so annoyed with his ex. Ungrateful bit**. Four months later, he confessed to me it wasn’t about his ex’s unpaid credit card balance but his, that he has used to pay for her living and expenses when they moved back to Indonesia. He was asking for her suggestion on how to deal with his problem when she told him off. He promised he won’t lie to me again.

Fourth was about his debt. He told me that he has not been paying taxes for 5 years when he lived in Europe and now the penalty is about 300%. It’s because he didn’t know he had to pay GST/VAT. The amount is huge and I was dumbfounded. He didn’t ask for my help, he said he can pay them off but he had to sell his car. I took his word. He also planned to go to Europe in mid-year 2021 to apply for leniency and wanted me to keep him accompany. I agreed to it. A month later, I found out that the money he paid was not purely about his unpaid tax, but also his loan. He lost control of the interest on his loan and it started to get to him. He promised there is nothing else he kept from me and will never lie.

Fifth lies is connected to the fourth, he said he hired a lawyer to take care of his matter in Europe but he actually just asked his friends about what to do in his situation. He never paid anyone to do his stuff. He was caught when I asked him to forward his convo with his lawyer and emails from the Bank. He forwarded edited email to me, I confronted him but he didn’t admit until the next day. At this stage, I got anxious and suspicious. Again, he promised he didn’t keep anything from me and will never lie.

The sixth lies was about me. On Sunday afternoon, I noticed that someone withdrew money from my bank account yesterday. I was so shock that I told him about it. He came to my house and helped me canceled that transaction. After checking again, my money was withdrawn last week too. I told him I gave my debit card photo to my insurance adviser because she asked but I covered the cvv code. He was nagging me about that matter and I felt so uneasy. We discussed about changing my debit card tomorrow but he told me be careful of what I said to the Bank because he cancelled a transaction, he could be in trouble. I understand what he meant, by reporting this case to the Bank or Police, I would have to expose what he did for me in the beginning too. I went online and do some case study. On Monday morning, I recheck my account history again for the past one month. I can’t believe I have been stolen 4x! since Feb 21 to March 20, one withdrawal per week. I would have lost a month salary if the last transaction didn’t get cancelled. I wanted to visit the Bank quick amid working hour, and my boyfriend insists to go with me. In the car, again, he asked me to be careful of what I said to the Bank. 

My mind was floating when the bank staff called my queue number. All that my bf warned me before, gone off the window. I said I need to replace my debit card because it’s been compromised. Someone took my money thrice (I purposely left out the fourth one). The staff was not surprised and asked me if I have given my PIN number to anyone. I said no one knows (actually my bf knows). I was then given the location and time of the withdrawal and I can’t believe what I heard. All of it pointed to my bf. I requested cctv recording and it’s being processed but will take up to 10 days. After we left the Bank and sat in my car, I was so out of energy but still told him about it. He said you mean I took your money?? I denied and said of course you won’t do that to me. He said yeah he won’t do that to me. That night, I kept on checking our conversation on whatsapp and my head was prickling. On Tuesday, I called him and he said he wanted to talk to me in person. I told him to meet me at the mall, I can’t trust him to come to my home at that moment. We met at Central Park and he admitted that it was all his doing. I can’t feel anything. He confessed he needed money to pay his credit card’s interest. He was only able to pay all the capital but still left with interest that is still growing each time he is not paying. He planned to return the money in the future. Well, now it’s not about the money.. it’s his attitude, dishonesty and disrespect towards me that kill me. I broke up with him immediately. He was sorry but I can’t feel his sincerity anymore. Since then, I have been unable to sleep at night. I think about how he put on a show in front of me, being kind and all gentleman but steal from my back. We even had sex afterwards! I’m screaming in my heart. He bought me food and clothes using my money that I thought his. He still stole from me after he admitted to his sins above and after telling so many fake promises. I remember he told me twice he wouldn’t mind if I haven’t taken my shower at the weekend because he wanted to smell my body odor. Now that I think about it, he might be using the time I was in the shower up stair to try steal from me because I would have to leave him alone down stair. I remember his excuse to go out to buy drinks for us. I remember when I left my card holder and phone with him when I go to the toilet at the mall. I remember sometimes my brother left his wallet on the table. And this hit me. I need to check my brother’s account without him knowing. If he steals from my brother as well, it’s really too much. I don’t plan to report him to the authority. But if he steal from my bro as well, I will reconsider. 

I think back about Europe trip, my sisters were right to warn me. I can’t tell what is the real him.. My parents might end up paying for his debt so that I could return home. It’s chilling and scary whenever I think about this. God bless his soul. As a devoted Christian himself, he has used Jesus’s name many times to swear in front of me. I hope he is really not a bad person. Just a situation that makes him that way. I can’t see having a faithful future with him. 

[hisgrudge]

I tell people about why I don’t wish to go back to him. Because he doesn’t even try to get to know my family, he doesn’t want to meet my family unless I force him to, we don’t go on holiday together, we don’t have romance anymore, there is no spark for me, he doesn’t care about me enough. How I used to travel 3hours to Ballarat and he didn’t bother asking if I’m home safely, didn’t bother if I have eaten or not. We always have same reasons why we go out, dinner or movie. He spends too much time on gaming. People would tell me that I did good for leaving him. That I’m smart to walk away. After 5 years. But then… I feel a little annoyed that people said that. Did I describe him badly to the point that people take my side? I don’t like people to think badly of him. He is not a bad person. He is just not the right one for me. Because he is still immature, he doesn’t know how to treat his partner. Because I don’t know how to bring a man out of him. I get annoyed and like to ignore my annoyance. Partly because I don't dare to have expectation. I'm scared of being disappointed because If he can't be what I wanted, I will start comparing, this means I would be the worst girlfriend. I tried to ignore the thoughts of wanting him to be a sweet bf. Eventually I got annoyed everyday, starting to care less about him then I don't care anymore.

[hisgrudge]

I was supposed to write 3 days ago, well I tried to, but for some reason tumblr didn’t save my writing and I couldn’t be bothered. Now that I’m in PY class, I have a bit of time to kill.

I really need to record my bday in writing! J was the first to wish me, at 11.58pm. Meanwhile he texted me at 5.10am. Both my housemates wished me happy bday when i met them in the kitchen. I wore my new zara outwear, matched with my h&m scarf. I was surprised by a giant half ferro rocher, sitting nicely on my desk with a candle ready to be lit when I arrived on my office desk. Then HJ came and said oh no, I thought I would be the first one to give you a cake. I then followed him to the dining area and he presented me a beautiful small red-coloured half a sphere.

[hisgrudge]

4 May 16

I was so sleepy and unwilling to get off the bed this morning. I snoozed my alarm 3x but lucky enough the train was delay so I wasn't too late when I arrived in the office. I had things in mind that made me couldn't sleep, that's why I was determined to solve it today. What happened yesterday was my adviser had a go with me, I was really pissed off but again I cannot fight with people. I'm not good with words so surely it's better for me not to answer him back. At the same time, I think about my job. So I told my manager what he did to me. He cannot raise his voice to me, moreover in front of others. There is way to tell people. And the reason for him to yell at me was because I confronted him for not doing his job in a timely manner. He said he is not my secretary. Surely I don't want him to be one as he is definitely not suitable for that role. I need to tell someone who has more authority to warn him, it's also for my own good. If I don't let anyone know, I think I will start to be depressed my self and start to hate my job. I don't want that to happen. Why would I hate my job? Because I'm handling his files and need to communicate with him constantly. Then my manager came to talk to me in private. He has been taking care of his people, I mean, real care. Not like some fakers. Talking to him feels like talking to friend. So he said he will talk to him and will bring this up to the top manager. I was touched by his way of calming people and understanding. I wish I have Half of his personality too. That's why he is a manager yeah. And yap, my manager brought this up to the top manager and my adviser was called into the room. Fast forward, I found out there was a stupid mistake my adviser did to one of his client. I know how to solve the problem, but of course it is gonna delay the client's process by at least couple of weeks. But, hey! The mistake is so obvious, he shouldn't be making this mistake because he has done it many times and it should comes naturally to him. May be he was on a dating website when he was doing this client's file, therefore silly mistake. Tsk, as an adviser you should be more attention to details. Yet he didn't pick this up but me. Of course, I reported it to my manager. Hopefully he will use this to slap him on the face. *Okay, may be he won't*. I felt so good after work, i spoke out and karma got back to him. But our relationship will never be the same again. I already have an ill feeling towards him.

[hisgrudge]

I feel like....

My belly is growing! Hmm, not because I’m pregnant, but because I ate rice rice and rice every single day! There is not a day pass without rice. Sometimes I had it twice a day. I should really change my diet, protein only please! Anyway, I feel so anxious and worry. I feel like I can’t pass my Ielts, which means that I can’t get my permanent residency. At the same time, i can’t believe how similar I am to a goat! Yes, a lazy goat whose activity is munching for the whole day. No wonder I can’t pass my Ielts. Please, change me. Oh, God, please give me more motivation to write essays. I need a miracle at the same time, to just get this permanent residency. To be honest, I feel empty. Part of it because I’m now single. I feel that I don’t have love, no one to love, no one loves me. I just work 7 days a week, and when I have spare time, I cook then watch drama. It’s not that no one looks for me, there are few that expressed their interest. The guy that works in the supermarket, my colleague in my office, and my colleague in the restaurant I work at. They can’t impress me. I’m currently closing my heart, because it is still sick, beaten and exhausted. I don’t even know what I want, really. I feel so insecure and weak. There is ntg in my life that I feel positive about, not even the fact that I’ve been made a permanent full time employee in my office. Although suicide thought doesn’t come to mind, I feel living is so tiring. Why my life feels so hard? Why am I so stupid and useless? I hope for someone to take away this burden, take away this emptiness. I want to enjoy life, I want to have a comfortable life. Why is it so hard? *tears streaming down*

[hisgrudge]

Spending Friday Night Alone, listening to S.H.E.

[hisgrudge]

Last day of summer

It was cold that morning. But I managed to pull my self up to work and arrived just in time. The new girl didn't come, because she didn't need to work on Monday. So I was busy doing TPA and follow up the whole day. I went straight home after work, then decided to make nasi Tim. Around 7pm, he came back with sushi, which he got from N. Apparently they had a little chat and N told him about a trip to beach. He asked if I was going to the beach with J. I said, yeah, lots of us are going, including N. He said that's not what he heard. Well, if he didn't believe me, it's fine. I don't need to explain to him. Anyway, I asked if he wanted to go and he refused. I asked him if he minds if I go out with J. He said no, he won't mind as one day I'll go out with another man. It's just, he thinks that J is not good enough and it's gonna insult him if I do date him. He really thought high of himself huh. Incredible.

[hisgrudge]

22 February

My alarm went off at 7am. This meant that I only have 9mins left to sleep, and my daily routines started. My breakfast that morning was waffle, which I bought from Coles. It wasn't great, too sweet for my liking. My work started at 9AM and finished at 5PM. Day wasn't bad, talked to plenty of people on the phone. There was another house inspection today near my current flat at 6PM. That would be the third house I inspected. I took a tram from my office to flinders station at 5.15PM thought that I would make it in time to the promised venue. Then the tram that was waaayy in front of my tram broke down. I had to walk at least 3-4 stops to reach flinders station, so I arrived 10mins late. When I went inside the unit, it was clean and tidy. But it's an old building, and not carpeted. Price was reasonable, only there was a binding agreement that I need to sign. As I didn't like to be bound by an agent, I'd to say no. Ohh, the location was perfect. So close to station as well as my second work place! However, I needed to cook my dinner so I put that thought aside. I made pork bones herbal soup, it tasted like medicine 😓 but that's how it should taste like so I shouldn't complain and just eat. I don't like healthy food, greens salad and bitter medicine, I wish I can stay away from them! Therefore I fried some spring rolls to encourage me to drink the soup. J suddenly called me when I was cooking, he was walking to my phone to see who was calling me. I had to run and covered my phone. Then I talked to J in mandarin so he won't understand. He was just asking how the house inspection went. Subsequently, I watched MKR with him on the table, although we ate different food. And I don't respond to his comment on TV at all. I felt that he was seeking attention by saying this and that. And again, he said that I was mean to him. Argh, whatever! I was really tired with him. Didn't even bother to respond to anything he did.

[hisgrudge]

My diary 20 February

I was awaken by a noise outside my bedroom at 7 in the morning. The sound of closing door, it meant that he was off to work. I used to be able to fall asleep again after small disturbance. But this time, no matter how hard I tried to shut my eyes, I couldn’t sleep. Perhaps because I had too much thinking. I thought about a recent fight we had, over a spilled milk in the fridge, and the pain in my belly didn’t help. Yes, he shouted at me because his milk was leaking, and that was because he didn’t know how to tighten the cap properly. It is so ridiculous that I was really speechless. I felt that the more he talked, the more I hate him. How can such human exist. Because it’s Saturday, and I don’t start to work until 5pm, I decided to just roll on the bed watching some cheap celebrities gossip. I made lunch at 9.30, I was always hungry in the morning so don’t think it’s not appropriate. I could eat. Time passed, I was at work and customers stayed late in the restaurant. Finally I could leave at 11pm, and as always J wanted supper. He waited for me even though he could have gone half an hour before. We had supper, and I arrived home at 12.10am. Tried to be as quiet as I can, I knew that he would be sleeping. But he was a light sleeper. So he woke up and asked what time it was. After answering him, I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I heard a knock on the toilet door, and he mumbled something I couldn’t hear. I opened the door and found his annoyed face. “Are you going to take shower in midnight?!” Well, I just finished work, of course I need shower. “You just finished work!? Do you really finish this late?! You know I need to work tomorrow morning!? And I have to sleep outside for you to sleep in the bedroom. You have no respect at all to me!” “So I can’t take my shower now?? How would I know your schedule!” I closed the door, not wanting to see his face. He never has fixed schedule at work. And I was not interested at all to know his schedule. If he wanted to live with someone else, he should be able to at least tolerate other people’s schedule. I took my shower, it was quick anyway since I didn’t wash my hair. As usual, his mean mouth cannot stay silent. “I hope you’re happy with yourself” he said.

[hisgrudge]

Everything has changed

S learns the fact that C only regards G as brother. Feeling that G hasn't put enough effort to get C's heart, S motivates G to confess. But it is a bad move. C rejects G and the next few days are getting awkward when 3 of them hang out. C slowly refuses to meet G and then the end of the semester is here. G goes back to his hometown. S knows G's confession has affected their friendship. When your best friend confesses to you and you reject him, its pretty normal that the friendship is ruined as well. But in this case, what will happen next is really horrible. The routine is gone, what they used to call a normal day turns out to be a devastating day. S feels terrible to be the middle person. She likes them both. However, deep in her heart she knows whose side she is in. 

[hisgrudge]

It was a nice beginning until she found out

S is a freshman at SHS University. She's from small town, studying overseas in small city. Her look will be questioned if people know how well-known is her daddy back in hometown. She is heart broken as her first love dates her good friend. Believing in new start, new environment will cure her.

She makes a friend from Pendleton, her name is C and soon they become best friends. On first day of orientation, they both meet 2 new guys, Ma and G. Ma and G are from Maldives, but different race. Ma has dark skin and his ancestor is from India. Meanwhile G has Chinese yellow skin. Apparently, 4 of them stay in hostel. After a week, four of them always hang out together and it becomes a routine.

C is a beautiful and smart girl. She is very attractive and easy to talk to. S who is from underdeveloped country feels grateful of many new things she learns from C. G feels the same way, he is just a visitor in her country and been explained of things he doesn't understand, especially the culture and lifestyle. 

Summer break is here, they plan 2 days 1 night trip to the beach. During jungle tracking, C and G get closer. G never fail to help her. G likes C, It's too obvious. Ma whispers to S, confirming her suspicion. S feels uncomfortable, she likes both G and C. She has crush on G.

Ma slowly gets busy with his new friends and study. It becomes 3 of them. S knows she should not be the third party between C and G. However, C tells S that she doesn't love G. He is just her best friend and like a brother to her. S feels a joy in her heart but also a cut at the same time.