hitorinbo-envy

[hitorinbo-envy]

[hitorinbo-envy]

It’s not fair!

[hitorinbo-envy]

"I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy" well I fucking would

[hitorinbo-envy]

Born to love cursed to be unlovable

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reblog if felt like your parents were expecting you to be a robot, and all you wanted was acknowledgment that you’re a human being, with a human heart that is being constantly broken

[hitorinbo-envy]

as a system i think about this every day

[hitorinbo-envy]

she dissociate on my disorder till i specify otherwise

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[hitorinbo-envy]

being autistic primary school,,, :(

[hitorinbo-envy]

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teachers will see a neurodivergent kid and be like anyone gonna traumatise that and not wait for an answer even though all the other kids are also like yeah

[hitorinbo-envy]

i hope you are in pain because of what you did

i hope you have nightmares about it

i hope people know how you were a cruel bully

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

[hitorinbo-envy]

10/5/2020

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Imagine not being constantly mocked for your appearance

[hitorinbo-envy]

i think being bullied for being autistic in school without knowing i was autistic was very bad

and i saw someone saying nobody hates people for being autistic

or they dont go “thats an autistic person i hate them”

and “people actually hate you because of how you treat them”

they gave the example that they have adhd (they aren’t autistic) and didnt have any friends for most of school until they realised that people didnt like them not because they have ADHD but because they were loud/interrupted/spoke over people and once they realised they were doing that they stopped doing it and started making friends straight away

and people in the comments were saying how like adhd/autism aren’t comparable in that way and people do target autistic people just for harmlessly existing and they weren’t really interested in listening to any of those people

but all i did was exist, i didn’t bother anyone or do anything wrong or even anything annoying, people just hated me and i never fucking knew what i was doing wrong for people to only interact with me for the sole purpose of treating me like shit (because i wasn’t doing anything wrong - cool!)

and its really painful knowing people think that me being abused for harmlessly existing as an autistic person is okay because i was existing as an autistic person

[hitorinbo-envy]

I will be expected 

My hands folded in my lap My voice quiet My eyes fixed upon yours Because I know I am the problem to be fixed The unpredictable monster in the corner I am the only one who can fix me Only can I fix my attitude when I am being put down Relegated to fold out tables in the hallway Only I can control myself when I am denied a break Denied a moment to think away from the impossible tasks I am too dumb for The tasks I am too smart for So why do I lag behind I know now I feel the shame etched into every sheet

Ballpoint pen circles around the words 

My right to an education hangs on my ability to be predictable 

My ability to sit still and say yes I am so broken I am a waste of potential I lack discipline I am manipulative I know now I will end up homeless if I can’t master a graph I won’t survive in this world if I don’t learn to shut up

So many bad circles checks and tallies I forget what rewards I get for the impossible task of making competence where there is none

I am unexpected I am complex I am difficult I see that now I know now

[hitorinbo-envy]