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hmajorgirl · 5 months

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24 and a half <3

hi me from 3 years ago (ish) hi 20 year old me, this is 24 year old you speaking. there's 3 days till christmas and i'm typing on the couch of our (collective) first ever boyfriend's house. i bet you're very impressed, to be honest, this was a life event that i've given up on and to be extra honest, it has entirely consumed me for the last 6 months (with very minor exaggeration). and i've learned a lot about myself.

first things first though. i wanted to say hi and i wanted to say thank you. i think in life, and we know this because we are us, it can feel lonely. i feel like life is a very ruthless churn wheel that gives and takes people away. i keep hoping for them to stay, to last forever, friends lovers etc etc but no one really does. but you - you're here for good. me, i'm here for good and this post, you reaching out to me like that - same person, same person who is continually invested in us (it's getting a little meta) is here, i suddenly feel a wave of anti-loneliness. this past year has been me trying to change my life in the sense of me trying to be a better person for other people, trying to nurture good friendships into something great, and there's something comforting knowing that my rock, you/us/helen-next-year-and-ten-years-to-come will always be here, the girl always in my corner is you. i love you. forever, i've got you. we've got this <3 thanks for saying hi and future helen, hi :) i hope you're good, i love you, i have faith in you!!

ANYWAYs digression aside, what else has been going on in the world ever since 20 year old me? the pandemic finished, it's crazy to think but nothing really changed for good, we all went back to work -actually one thing is working from home. that's been very good. but no one wears masks anymore and try as i might to have spare hand sanitiser somewhere in my bag, i do not and i have regressed to a degenerate who sometimes eats with her bare hands without washing in urgently hungry situations. hmm what else, omg ai has developed, there's this thing called chatgpt and basically i'm just using it to help me find words that rhyme and write applications/cover letters and rephrase professional sentences but it's super useful and i do wonder when robots are going to overtake the world. oh btw, there's also a recession ongoing at the moment, people are getting fired, people are struggling to find jobs. it's a bit grim, there's a cost of living crisis but in spite of it all, people are still going to bars and having a blast on friday evenings (and sometimes i do this too - i went yesterday actually and beat my boyfriend at poole). i think that's all for the world updates. OMG ONE MORE THING. taylor swift is back, she's better and more successful than ever. she wasn't lying when she said she bounces back stronger than a 90s trend. she's also moved on from joe alwyn and that made us all believe in a hot minute that love wasn't real until she started dating travis kelce which also taught the whole damn world that the good kind of love, the right kind of love won't have to ask you to make sacrifices, they show up for you even in the hardest nights.

ANYWAYS, 20 year old Helen, I miss you, I know you had a lot of things against yourself but one thing I really love about you is your optimism, your general belief in the order of things and us, our potential. so here's the answer to all your crazy questions, i think we hoped for the best at that time but we weren't sure, maybe we didn't believe in ourselves a lot but actually, we did okay! and we're a work in progress. one thing is that i am growing up SO MUCH these days, i'm learning a lot about myself in terms of my self-esteem issues, in terms of how i want to be a friend and a person that i would want to love myself, what makes a good friend vs a great friend (someone who will give you their time regardless), what love is (always picking up the phone), how it comes in all shapes and forms (friendships, family), how i have the power to shape my life. On the other side I think we're a lot more grounded now, a few lessons we're learning today is that our voice is our power, i'm trying to voice my needs and opinions as much as possible and stay true to myself, i'm learning patience because good things take time, i'm learning how perfect gets in the way of good enough and really really great and also how it's achievable eventually (in my own defined way) but i have to work and have faith. i trust myself more, to take care of myself first but also i will always be my own failsafe, i trust myself and i am glad to have myself be the person there to pick me back up. I'm learning how to apply my pre-frontal cortex thinking, slowly but surely. i'm learning that in order to love you have to be vulnerable. i'm still trying to figure out how romantic relationships work, how love works, how to understand someone. so those are a few things i'm working on at the moment, i feel like i'm trying to make up for lost time with these intersocial skills, i'm healing a wound from childhood. i'm trying to take care of us, not just 20 year old us but also 10 year old us, 15 year old us. I also learned that you shouldn't make fun of people, the things they find good about life, the things they love, their excitement, you shouldn't rain on someone's parade ever.

OKAY to answer your q's:

I'm listening to ghost me by holly humberstone, our taste hasn't changed much and i wonder if it ever will. this year i met what feels like so many people who love the same music as me and i went to concerts with them! in reality it was just Leah, Shannon and Lauren, but still, I am so happy about this. I just realised in 5 years we're going to be 30 holy crap. i'm a bit scared as 24 year old helen to be honest - but 30 year old Helen how are you? :) I am excited to hear about your life, what are you listening to right now?

We talked about my relationship status, I have a boyfriend!! he's cute and tall and pretty and softly spoken and he's funny and he cares about me and he is super smart and goofy and weird sometimes and he kisses me randomly in the morning and strokes my hair when we watch tv, he's a good guy. we have an issue, i am a bit concerned he's in love with his ex but i think half of it is me overthinking - 30 year old Helen please feedback what happened with him? are you still together or are you with someone else? Are you single and hot and touring the world on your latest book tour? What's your relationship status, what have you learned about love? what's your outlook on finding someone now? ARE YOU STARTING A FAMILY? 20 year old me, you accused me of having self esteem issues - i totally agree with you and we're working on this :) it does affect my relationship though lmao the situation doesn't help.

Our grandma died a few months after you wrote that post and i think i am still grieving although it gets lighter with time. i'm not sure if grief ever leaves you, i miss her, i miss the childhood that i remember with her. i miss squeezing the wrinkles on her hands. i miss the way when she'd ask after me, i would be sick for some reason, it's like she always knew. but mostly i miss holding her small hand on walks, or peeling garlic with her in the kitchen, i miss loving her i think. there was a tenderness i felt with her, a kind of safety and peace that i don't feel anymore at home. i miss her so much. i am glad i got to have her for the time that i did. home isn't the same without her. everyone has processed their grief differently. i am lucky i still have most people around me. i want to spend more time with parents as much as i can. 30 year old me, how is the family? do you go on holidays with Lucy and Fran? are you doing all expenses paid trips with mum and dad? are you making sure you tell them you love them? are you making sure you are giving them your time, please look after them well, they raised you up so well, they worked so hard, please love them harder. are we better at showing it yet? if not, what's stopping you? i hope they are well and healthy.

i moved out. i'm living in london in Liz's flat and i am struggling with sharing 30 year old me DID YOU GET TO LIVE ALONE have you decorated your place exactly how you wanted it? did you have fun moving in, did you have fun matching furnitures and furnishings and making pinterest boards? do you own your place now or are you planning to buy and settle somewhere soon? WHERE ARE YOU BTW? i am excited to know hehe. did you manage to travel and live somewhere random for 6 months? did you work out so you have multiple homes in different locations that you are enamoured by?

funny thing is, i did end up working in consulting it's like marketing and basic basic data consulting and we are not enjoying it, but we found a strange kooky kind of family there, a bunch of asians and i think it's one of the first times in my life where i felt like i belonged to a social strata, it's healing. we had a crush on one of them at 23 but he was weird. we're all eating together next week, Michael's making food for Abi and I! 30 year old me - what happened to these guys, are we still in touch? i'm not too sure but i hope you found a good group of fun friends to hang with. Career-wise i just finished a course to become a designer. I KNOW I CONCEEDED, ya girl is GOING TO DO SOMETHING CREATIVE. 30 year old me - miss SNR DESIGNER, are you lecturing? did you go back and do a masters like you wanted to? are you speaking at conferences on best design practices? are you building products you believe in and if not why not? what are you doing now career wise and are you enjoying it? is it giving you a greater purpose? are you proud? 20 year old me, i think you'll be proud of me to be honest, i did end up being a marketing hoe in a fancy ass office building and i am SERVING work fits in the office. we did it, let's do some more :) and you'll be even prouder to know that i have made a few more serious attempts to start writing, i got a scholarship on a writing course this year that i did not complete but tbc, i want to focus on this area of my life for sure going forwards, i am excited. 30 year old Helen - what are you writing about? is it non-fiction, fiction? how has your writing style changed? what's your process like? do you read? what do you like to read nowadays? right now i am building a reading app and i still haven't hit my goodreads targets but i'm doing okay!! i read on and off and i'm proud that i've kind of picked it back up and we're moving forwards! i am rich enough to do weekly spin/pilates sessions, my relationship means i don't want to spend extra time doing this stuff but I NEED TO. i must, i am struggling, 30 year old me, did you manage to sort this out? please be hot and fit and healthy, please make me proud, to be honest i have faith in myself, but 30 year old me, how did i do? and how can we do better? :) are we taking therapy now? because we tried that for a hot minute but we were too poor to continue. drones are still not really a thing. I went with Elizabeth to spain this year and saw a need side to her. i haven't seen Jason since uni. I've spoke to chloe less and less since she's got a boyfriend. I call Jen and Michelle and Taiga a lot these days, i think they'll be around for a long time :) how are they? how's Abi? how's Shannon? any new friends?

OMG THE GUY, he was not over his ex and he broke up with you, i really hope 30 year old us has more perspective but i hope it doesn't end the same with this guy. but he was not the one for you HONEY. you live, you learn, you do better. :)

i cook a little now, could be healthier and i am SO EXCITED TO HAVE OUR OWN POTS AND PANS AND PLATE COLLECTIONS IN OUR OWN PLACE, 30 year old me - please describe our aesthetic kitchen set up and the scrumptious meals you make for candlelit dinners <3

i just took an enneagram test i am still 9 and then 2 as fuck but closely followed by 3 :) to be honest i think these are not super bad traits but i am more honest about how i am a slight pushover so 30 year old me are we a 1/3 through and through? i think i am a 1 or a 4 at heart to be honest, let me know your results.

i write songs and i sing a bit better, do we still do this later? no kids, 2.3k monthly salary post tax, wbu 30 Helen? have we made 6 figures yet? :) I started dancing this year! planning to keep going next year, i;m not great but i really love it. it made me feel a live again, hbu 30 year old Helen? do you dance? are you finally good at it?

I do still make spotify playlists AND instagram highlights WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE in it. hbu 30 year old helen? what are our latest themes? are we recording our life in any other way? my spotify playlists are not so theme based i think i grew out of it i don't have the time and it's less fun when you don't have an ex potentially stalking your profile. but we categorise it by month and we are SO FREAKING PROUD of it.

TV series I love: scorpion, omg singles inferno, buccaneers, rick and morty, discovered parks and recreation it was insane and brooklyn 999 but will always ALWAYS be a hoe for new girl, it has my heart. but to be honest i don't watch a lot of TV anymore I am really into Ali Abdaal's podcast and i'm trying to watch productive youtube videos and read when i eat ofc a lot of the times this doesn't happen. How are you entertaining yourself 30 year old Helen? did you build healthier habits? do you have a consistent morning/evening routine?

I have 40 followers on my private ig. hbu 30 year old Helen? how many detoxes did you do? are you still posting your thoughts? are there people on there that you don't speak to now?

Funnily enough I am speaking to jen and Michelle and taiga on facebook, hbu?

you had a lot of questions for me 20 year old Helen and I love you for that but I am also very tired to keep going back and forth so let me try my best to answer everything in my next paragraph and I'll cover all the bases in my life too. screenwriting has been vetoed as a pipe dream, you are right i did become more realistic but this has also helped me to see things clearer and evaluate what i want and who i want to be and what i want to do with this limited time, we have arrived at writing, designing, teaching and being a good person who applies herself as much as possible, who is always true to her authentic self. we are kinder to ourselves and more forgiving when we mess up and we're still messing up but now we're learning from it more because we're not afraid anymore. i am trying to carry less shame with me and this comes with brutal honesty for everyone, i've also realised that some shame is not for me to carry, some trauma may impact me but it belongs to other people and i am blaming myself less. i am writing a little, i've paused but my heart is tied to it, i will do it - 30 year old me, did i do it? ARE WE PUBLISHED?? are we good? did we take our parents to duck and waffle? logistically this wouldn't really make sense but i hope you paid a shit tonne of money when you're rich to show them that their daughter made it, pride is everything to a parent - it's something that I want to give to them. i know they are proud already, but i want to give back to them something tangible that they can hold on to. i want to act in love. i want to celebrate the very act of existing.

do we have mentors? are we mentoring people? how did we meet these people? how have they helped us in our career and life and relationships? are we healthy? are we happy? are we still trying? do you have a grand plan, a vision, something you are entirely excited about and pouring your entire soul into? are you enjoying the small moments in life? are you calling your friends are telling you you love them? are you calling your parents? do you have someone you love? do you tell it to them enough? are you celebrating yourself? are you having good birthdays? are you in love with life? what do you love about it these days? i'm always in the process of falling in and out of love with life but recently i went to Elliot's to see Jay and his girlfriend and i walked to borough and the people there, the scene, the life itself they were all breathing, made me fall completely head over heels in love all over again. life makes life after all - please touch it as much as possible, play with it and mould it, feel, feel things and be honest about them. are you still a romantic realist? are you still an optimist? i fucking hope so because the world is too miserable to live as a cynic. do you use your words wisely? do you mean them? are you shouting these days?

i love you, i hope you're loving yourself, i know you do actually. let's rephrase, how do you love yourself these days?

last note to 30 year old Helen:

you seem old and far away but I'm sure that when i get to you you won't feel that much different, but I hope you've changed a lot for the better. I hope you're still changing for the better. I know I get to choose a version of you based on my actions today. I know what I want, what I can give to us. wish me luck, i hope you don't blame me. what do you think of me? did i try my best? i'll try my best - i'm a little scared to be honest but i have faith in the universe. i really do.

so... how are we doing? :)

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hmajorgirl · 4 years

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so here I am for old times sake. it’s been 5 years and a lot has changed. but i’m kinda still the same. maybe my inner monologue doesn’t sound as self-assured as it did when I was 15. maybe i don’t romanticise the shit out of every 2 second eye contact i make with cute strangers. maybe i don’t grammar well anymore because i think it’s a cute look. Oh wow. so much of the world has changed. facial recognition, instagram shops, the pandemic... so many new songs i play on repeat until i’m sick of them. i’m a lot less motivated than i was before, and i’m ashamed to admit that. i have smile lines. i feel more and more defeated everyday (actually, we’re trying to work on this). but yh the sad emo vibes never quite dissipated like i dreamed they would, i felt so betrayed by the order of things and the way of the world that i lost a lot of hope. gave up on myself (a bit... a lot sometimes). but other times, it’s gucci. i feel like i’m definitely more cringe than cheesy now. not sure if that’s a good thing, pretty sure it’s not.

hmm. what hasn’t changed? still unfortunately in love with love, but i can mostly see the difference between real life and the cute shit that happens in my head. i’m learning to have faith, to trust. to start living life and exist in the same dimension as other people because even though it sucks, it’s better than existing alone in your head. i realised that studying will only get you a quarter of the way to things and unfortunately stopped that shit. it wasn’t a good idea because i didn’t pick anything else up. i’m still writing songs. still singing them badly. BUT my singing has improved marginally:) i still love my parents, family is all good (touch wood). still a bit too impressionable but we’re working on building a stronger willpower and independence. still love taylor swift. still want to run away to the creative industry. still want to runaway sometimes (in general). I still write! sometimes. wow, i guess some things really just don’t change.

The good? Hmm my eyes have been opened to the multi-dimensions of wealth and inequality and cultural differences that exist in the world. I am thankful for that and didn’t know that money could buy so much. but simultaneously feel disheartened that the discrepancy is so large between people at birth. inequity is real and idk how i feel about that because i really believed in the natural justice system. and then I was so caught up in these feelings of betrayal and injustice that i forgot that i am lucky enough to have the opportunity to change things. I forgot about it for 5 years and now it feels like it’s too late. i know it’s not.

that was a digression.

the good. okay. hmm discovered korean dramas and the mastery that is cinema and how it evokes emotions through stories and idk that’s just a piece of my soul coming together. i work out occasionally. sadly i stopped dance but i’m vowing to sign up for classes once i have the money. i got a spotify membership and spend my days making playlists for myself and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I really hate how my inner core is so soft and romantic, it’s not fit for the capitalist society that we’re living under. i have friends, i like them, they like me. there is a guy, maybe. there were a few guys actually. i’m not sure how long this one is going to be around for GAHHH omg imagine if i re-read this in five years time and i’m laughing at myself because he screwed me over so bad idk. i have bad self-esteem issues. i am kinda joking, kinda not. okay, i like him but let’s move onto another topic. i’m trying my best to adult and be honest with my feelings and approach things with feigned maturity to mask my pre-teen thoughts. let’s leave it at that:)

i remember that taylor said that the lucky one was the hardest song to write for the red album. because it was solely about her and her life. no guys (apart from the second verse but okay that’s not central to the song). it’s the same for me. i don’t want to talk about the direction of my professional life because it scares me more than messing my life up romantically. for now, i’m beginning to see the role of passion and interest in work and it’s importance. I’m trying my best to walk towards that direction because i know that ultimately i want a career that I would love to work overtime for. but i’m still trying to balance the scales between what i want and the confinements of reality. i need to make money. sometimes it feels like an either or kind of situation and i don’t know what to do. but maybe this is just standard 20 year old thoughts. okay but we have 2 months left of uni so i’m going back to studying. i hope that when i look back on this i would have a 2:1 bachelors (but let’s be honest we want a first)

some final thoughts for 25 year old me because why not make your tumblr a time-capsule? dodie-style.

what are you listening to right now? I’m listening to 21 by gracie. Are you seeing anyone? Honestly, I don’t see you in a steady relationship because i feel like your self-esteem will get in the way of things - either that or you get your shit together and focus on your career too much. I hope it’s the latter. I hope family is all well and healthy. call them. right now, if you’re not living with them. DEAR GOD PLS don’t still be living with them. OH GOD DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FLAT/HOUSE?? where are you by the way? london? what are you doing right now career-wise? how’s it going? is it what you want to do? does it fit in with your life plan? please tell me you have a life plan by now. i hope i’m proud of you. i hope you’re working hard. how are you? really? are you rich enough to afford therapy and weekly spin/pilates sessions? what’s up with your social circle? are you still writing? ARE THERE DRONES EVERYwhere? How’s chloe? Elizabeth? Jason? Update me, what happened with the guy - i want to hear a story. do you cook now? did you manage to turn your personality type from a 2/9 enneagram to a 3? bitch we gonna work on this. do you still write songs? can you sing? you don’t have kids right lmao pls no god help us. what’s your yearly salary post-tax? did you start dancing again? did you start to learn piano again? what happened with the pandemic? how long were you quarantined for? do you still make spotify playlists haha? what tv series are you currently binging? do you hate me? please tell me your still blogging ur life on ur private instagram. how many followers do you have now? who are you having conversations right now with on facebook? what are your colleagues like? are you less people orientated now that you’ve realised that they cannot provide you with the love that you are depriving yourself of from yourself? DO YOU READ? are you the perfect health-freak, ig-girl, smart business woman, go-getter in her white suit at the glass media company that you dreamed about being at those dark spin sessions? GOD IMAGINE. I hope you are but i don’t have faith right now. pls tell me you don’t teach (or you teach and ur salary is insane in a good way). are you a journalist? you didn’t go into consulting right? did you study again after uni? are you the screenwriter that you’ve dreamed about? did your poetry account blow up and now you’re a full time poet? I still kinda hope you work at a nice glass office (brand consulting, advertising, media, journalism) and wear cute coords suits to work. and i hope you’re writing on the side because it’s who you are. I hope you’re reading lots and I hope you’re super smart and switched on. I hope you’re memory has improved a lot. I hope you’re in love, I hope he loves you back and I hope you know that too. I hope you have a great and healthy relationship with your parents and see your extended family and grandparents often. I hope everyone is healthy and I hope you took your parents to duck and waffle like you wanted (don’t do it when you’re poor though). I hope you’re taking care of your health and eating well. I hope you’re still dreaming in a realistic way. I hope you have great mentors and a supportive friend group. I hope you’re living your best life. re-read the defining decade. but i hope you don’t reminisce to much anymore and don’t write too many songs because you’re 25, time to break out the novel shit. I hope you’ve travelled alot. I hope you spend a few more summers in china falling in love with life and yourself again. how is your chinese? are you still a romantic? tell me, have you changed, if at all? do you read the news? are you less cynical about yourself and more realistic or less optimistc about the world? I hope you are. contingencies are important.

are you excited for the future? I hope you are. if not, please change, you have time, all you need is faith and diligence. hope you’re holding up well. Me? at 20? I’m excited about what my 25 year old self is going to be like, like i was excited to see what my gcse results were going to be like. I hope the results are the same. work hard. i love you. hope you love yourself more. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. have faith. :) i can’t do much for you, but i hope i did a lot to get to where you are right now. hoping is useless, i’m going to work now.

take care x

#hmajorgirl

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