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[hmmmmyeahhhhsblog]

I am enough. I did enough. I can let go.

Funny how in my last post, I wrote “divorce” in quotes because a side of me couldn’t believe that it is real.

Well, it is real now. 

I cut off communication with Brad last week. It’s a death by a thousand cuts situation. I felt betrayed that he didn’t really listen to my suggestion to just go to immediate care but he listened to Lindsey Wincek fully and paid for this $200 doctor texting service. It’s petty. It’s small, but I wanted to feel prioritized. I wanted to feel like my insight matter. Throughout the separation, he hasn’t made me feel that way. He said he would prioritize me above everyone else, but he always listens to his family and me.

Not going to anchor on the details here. I need to stop feeling pity for myself.

Let’s touch on this post’s title. I am enough. I did enough. I can let go.

How Brad made me feel, and why these are enough reasons for for me to leave this relationship:

1. Remember when sometimes, I wouldn’t be able to tell whether Brad was drunk or not when I was talking to him? That’s quite fucked up, right? His speech pattern would be at half the pace. It’s like talking to a drunk person, and you know what, maybe he was drunk. Remember how that made you feel, Peter. His logic didn’t make sense. He made shit up all the time. It’s a mindfuck. It’s a guessing game. Yes, he was depressed, and that might be the physical manifestation of depression, but Peter, he wouldn’t get help. You tried. You weren’t pushy. You’ve tried many different approaches, but he just wouldn’t get help. Remember the anti depressants? He sat on that for 3 months. He let himself self destruct, and when he did self destruct, he showed no remorse for his actions. And he did this twice. He didn’t learn anything from the last time he self destructed, and the second time was even worse. He stopped showing up in your relationship Peter. He wouldn’t get help. Noone could help him, not even you.

2. Remember all the times he just ghosted you? The night in Phoenix where he lied about not hooking up with a guy but then he went anyway? You were up till 3 am and you saw him on Grindr and he just simply ignored your text. Remember how that brought back memories of all the times you were abandoned at Chaminade. And then the next day, he turned it against you and blamed this on you. He actually made you the bad person for telling him not to go hook up. That’s truly fucked up and evil. You cried and cried and cried and told him that you have abandonment trauma, and yet, he still did again with this breakup. 

3. Remember when he just wouldn’t communicate at all? There’s no compromise. there’s no bargaining. just zero communication. I told him specifically that I needed him to communicate, and that goes unheard. There’s no compromise. It’s just how it was.

4. Remember how unreliable he is? 

5. Remember how he wouldn’t help plan any trip at all?

6. Remember when you had to push him to propose?

7. Remember when you wondered if he’s the one?

8. Remember when a year and a half in the relationship, you had doubts about the relationship?

Yes, these things can be solved. But he wouldn’t communicate, and he wouldn’t prioritize this relationship. He wouldn’t prioritize you Peter. He chose work over you. He chose AA over you. He chose his parents over you. There’s a reason why you sent his parents an email to stage an intervention; it’s because he wouldn’t listen to you! And of course, his parents stepped in and he listened to everything they suggested. He didn’t listen to you. He didn’t make you feel heard. 

Logically speaking, does it even make sense to want to stay with Brad? Yes, the grass may not be greener, but the upsides are big.

1. You want someone who can take care of himself. Someone who is mature and independent. Someone who works hard and is self made. Someone with self-awareness. 

2. You want good sex. You want that six pack and that sex appeal. You’ve had good sex recently. It’s only been 4 months Peter. You will find someone. 

3. You want someone who would make you feel loved, someone who would apologize proactively, someone who would communicate. 

Leaving Brad now isn’t that bad. Even from a financial perspective, I’m saving a lot of money not having to split my McK money in half

I’m getting tired. 

Let me end with this Peter.

Don’t anchor on the good things. There’s a lot of shitty things in the relationship. You were also mentally checked out too. 

You are worth it.

You should be proud of yourself.

You went through this by yourself

You are finding your support structure.

You are busting your ass and writing your own future.

Meanwhile, Brad simply cannot change.