hndzf

[hndzf]

Do I really need this challenging path?

Being at home, everything feels nostalgic.

To access tumblr; twitter; and other social media through actual pc instead of mobile phone.

It regains willingness to write something.

And it made me realize, I do have quite privileged childhood memories.

It also made me think how I want to continue my life.

The past week, I completely ditched work, as in last week was Chinese New Year holiday so everyone was on holiday. I didn't check email/chat/company phone at all. This morning, I just turned on company's phone and check some messages. My head hurts. Is this how it supposed to feel like? Does work need to feel as a burden? Is this how everyone feels at work? Is this how everyone feels doing their paid job?

In this economy, especially where nowadays many of my friends get laid off, still having paid job in particularly stable company is a blessing. What you have is something everyone else's eyeing for.

Is this the burn out era? Feels like dejavu.

Before I went to Shanghai, to spent 7 years more in this company and doing this kind of job, feels stagnant but also heavy. Then I moved to Shanghai, new challenge, indeed a very challenging circumstances. Everything is not easy, intermediate level in games-language.

I thought this is what I need, a new challenge to boost my spirit. But why it doesn't feel like it?

How do I find the answer to this question?

---

Tapi jujur, having enough saving to go overseas for vacation, watch concert, buy anything you or your family like, without the need to think about other responsibility is truly fulfilling.

Is this how being 'content' feels? Or is it just the way money telling you that it's the most important thing in life?

I couldn't have done it if I don't have well-paid salary. And if I ever think of resigning from this job, will I also lose this feeling?

[hndzf]

Yogyakarta is always the comfiest place to go back. Can we call it home?

[hndzf]

That’s right 💯

[hndzf]

Apakah berarti orang yang sewaktu-waktu menumpahkan pikirannya di twitter has better mental clarity? Bisjad, bisa jadi.

[hndzf]

Being a selfish-slash-shameless bitch I am:

[hndzf]

Everytime it happens, I do feel like shit, and this never change.

[hndzf]

Dari Juanda ke Gubeng

Sesampainya di kota Surabaya, aku duduk di salah satu kedai dengan secangkir kopi hangat dan roti beraroma kopi.

Perjalanan menuju Stasiun Gubeng memakan waktu 30 menit, seingatku. Tapi tentu saja ternyata ingatanku tidak bisa diandalkan, 45 menit adalah waktu yang tepat berdasarkan Google Maps. Lagi-lagi si pemacu adrenalin, masih cukup lah ada sisa waktu 10 menit menuju jam keberangkatan kereta. Tapi kemudian aku dimarahi pengemudi taksi yang ku tumpangi.

Aku lupa menanyakan namanya, pun tidak sempat berbalas doa yang lebih panjang ketika ia selesai menurunkan koperku dari bagasi mobilnya. For all that matters, I pray him health and happiness. Semoga selalu dicukupkan rejekinya ya Pak.

Beliau tinggal bertiga dengan kedua anaknya. Istrinya sudah meninggal enam tahun yang lalu. Aku adalah penumpang pertamanya sejak jam 5 pagi ia mangkal di bandara.

'Sudah dari jam 5 mbak saya disini, eh baru dapet satu jam 8, mbaknya ayu ini.'

Keramahan orang non-ibukota selalu membuatku merasa hangat.

-

Beliau bercerita pendapatannya adalah 15% komisi dari penumpang yang ia bawa. Biaya perjalananku dari Bandara Juanda ke Stasiun Gubeng adalah 200ribu, berarti beliau membawa pulang hanya 30ribu. Belum lagi begitu kembali ke bandara harus mengantri dengan sekitar 70 orang pengemudi lainnya. Dalam sehari belum tentu bisa mendapat 3-4 penumpang.

Lambat laun beliau menanyakan pendapatanku bekerja di Jakarta. Terkejut mendengar angkanya, aku menjelaskan bahwa biaya yang dikeluarkan di ibukota pun cukup besar. Tapi, that hits me on the spot. I've been spending money on the things I don't need. On the contrary, Bapak pengemudi mencari nafkah untuk menghidupi kedua anaknya dan dirinya sendiri. Beliau terkejut mendengar harga kereta dari Surabaya ke Madiun sudah diatas 100ribu. Jaman saya dulu masih 6ribu, ujarnya.

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I need to be more mindful when it comes to spend money. Dan berusaha sebisa mungkin untuk berbagi rejeki dengan yang lebih membutuhkan, even they dont ask. I need to be more reactive to what's happening around me, to the less fortunate (in terms of money). Of course they could be wayyy happier mentally than us, but somehow money is a thing everyone always need. And if that's the only thing you can share, then why do you hesitate.

[hndzf]

Iya! bisa anonim. would love to, to talk over some coffee. but it is a secret-secret conversation between us, call it a "secret admirer" from a long long time a go, so i have to think hard to find a way to connect with you. so, what is your favorite food?

well I consider seblak as food.

unfortunately this convo would be publicly seen as you choose to ask me thru ask box.......

[hndzf]

What you got after driving around Jakarta for 5 hours straight

Since a kid, we’ve been introduced to a concept called milestone. Kindergarten, elementary, junior high, senior high, university, then get a job. After that, what else? Does life end there? Unfortunately nope. Perhaps even our life just truly begins after employment era, knowing the normal lifespan of human being is around 60ish. So, does marriage counts as a milestone? I strongly disagree. I don’t want my marriage as a milestone, because then what’s next after it? I’ll be wanting to finish it as soon as possible and looking forward to another chapter of milestone, and what will it be? Divorce? Marrying another person? I believe there will be a time, a good timing, when marriage comes in mind. I won’t be looking for it though. It’ll comes eventually. Until then, I must find my next milestone after employment. That is my homework for now.

[hndzf]

I lost my uncle to covid.

Last time we met was here, at my place. He kept on insisting to invite me to his house, said his children wanting to hang out with me, even picked me up and drove me home later on.

The family picked me up. They were so happy. We had meal altogether at the food court. He ordered bakso malang. Then we headed to their house at Bekasi.

He’s just like any other dad, wake up early on Sunday morning then get busy with household chores, the car, the plant. Complaining about his children who wouldnt get up early when it’s Sunday.

We had discussion about the cargo ship that stuck in Suez canal. He browsed youtube to explain it clearly to his children.

I clearly remember it all.

The next day, we had meal together with the other uncles and aunties and nephews and nieces. After that, they drove me home. Since my flatmate wasn’t home, I invited them to go inside. With smile on his eyes, as always, he said the apartment was nice. We parted with me promise to visit their house again when time allowed.

The other day, he’s still asking how am I doing. Invited me to his house, but sadly the covid situation was not getting any better so I refuse it regrettably. Who knows that’ll be the last time we talked to each other.

Oh, this is how losing someone feels.

I always wonder, and now here I am.

If, this is how me as the niece feels, I can’t imagine how his family feel right now.

I look around the flat, and the food court, made me remember him, his kindness. His family must be looking around house with the feeling I can’t never imagine. The house filled with memories with him.

I always pray his close family can gain some strength to through it all.

This is odd.

[hndzf]

Tell me how, tell us how.

What feels different with current situation, is that everything feels so fast.

Sure everyone dies at the end. Sure this is all already written before, and as most of believer called fate.

Sure thing, I don't doubt any of that.

But......

Does it have to feel so rapid?

We haven't been able to recover from one death, yet must be faced to another. It hasn't even been a week, or a month, or even days. The sad news that comes repeatedly, without a break. It's so devastating.

*

Moreover, we aren't able to touch or pay our respect to the deceased. What kind of feeling is this? It's like our loved ones is just gone. Poof. No traces. No last touch, not even last glance.

How are we supposed to mourn. There's not enough time to heal from one loss to another. To see their faces for the last time. God, tell us. Tell us how to mourn properly. How to heal our soul..

[hndzf]

Be with someone whom you willing to argue with. You will argue, a lot.

Communication isn't always smooth. Silence is the enemy.

[hndzf]

Aku: Waaaaah buah batu *sambil memandang keluar jendela mobil*

Bap: Emang inget apa di buah batu?

Aku: .......

Aku: Yaaa inget nangor aja :)

[hndzf]

Posting my artwork here, because I need to think how to caption this on Twitter and Instagram. Sigh why do I even care.

ANYWAY, everytime I finish a drawing I feel proud. But everytime I just started, I feel like a shit.

[hndzf]

Why does tumblr change its color I feel unfamiliar.

[hndzf]

I thought I am immune and insensitive.

Just when I scrolled instagram, and found several consecutive posts of my friends with their family.

My heart hurts.

Thinking about how my parents feel, not able to spend 2 Eids without their daughters and families.

We were able to get together on Dad's graduation. All of us. And they were really happy, saying how the sound of our laughter and chat made the house lively. How their parents were right about it is delightful when families gather around, grandchildren play alongside.

Hope everything get better really soon, to know that what matter most is family.

[hndzf]

Bisa anonim. And here i am still thinking etis atau ga etis to reach you haha

Hi babe! Please do reach me whoever you are, we can talk over coffee?