ho1y - Tumblr blog

[ho1y]

it’s the way that … in not so many words, sam and chuck both agree that … dean isn’t strong enough to stop the apocalypse. he isn’t dean, not since being dragged out of hell. and like … they aren’t entirely wrong about that — and even dean acknowledges that he isn’t strong enough to save everyone, he isn’t a hero, he can’t be one. but at the same time, the fact that nobody has an ounce of faith in dean, the fact that nobody believes in him, the fact that —

[ho1y]

dean’s birthday is january 24th, and his resurrection date is september 18th.

[ho1y]

dean: hang on a sec. you were right.

sam: about what?

dean: i shouldn’t have lied to you. i do remember everything that happened to me in the pit. everything.

sam: so tell me about it.

dean: no. i won’t lie anymore. but i’m not gonna talk about it.

sam: dean, look, you can’t just shoulder this thing alone. you’ve got to let me help.

dean: how? do you really think that a little heart - to - heart, some sharing and caring, is gonna change anything? somehow … heal me? i’m not talking about a bad day here.

sam: i know that.

dean: the things that i saw … there aren’t words. there is no forgetting. there’s no making it better. because it is right here … forever. you wouldn’t understand. and i could never make you understand. so i am sorry.

[ho1y]

one of dean’s vices that isn’t really … ever acknowledged ( at least not in the earlier seasons ) is the way that dean really does drink alcohol like it’s water. he relies on it especially heavily as a way to avoid acknowledging traumatic events and memories; an example of dean using it as a coping mechanism is during yellow fever, when dean, to cope with the debilitating fear in his system that’s going to kill him, drinks himself to the point of being wildly unstable while on the job — another is during wishful thinking, where dean actively steals liquor while investigating a crime scene, a fact sam either doesn’t notice or doesn’t blink twice at. there are multiple accounts of this scattered throughout the show, and his alcoholism is definitely one of those things that is glossed over and not addressed in the best of ways, or at all.

[ho1y]

there’s something about dean being forced to watch his grandmother be murdered. something about dean watching the woman he was named after be killed in cold blood by the man his brother was named after, his grandfather, who was possessed by azazel. i don’t have the brainpower to put it together … but trust me on this

[ho1y]

baby boy. baby.

[ho1y]

dean adamantly being against the idea that there’s a god out there … saying, you're telling me there’s a god out there that gives a shit about me? why me? if there is a god out there, why would he give a shit about me? i mean, i've saved some people, and i figured that made up for the stealing and ditching chicks, but why do i deserve to get saved? dean's difficulty in dealing with the fact that god is real, that god chose him, being the fact that he doesn't understand why he matters, why someone, something, like god would care about him. and also, just, something here about … frustration at the idea of - god hasn’t cared about me before, why now?

[ho1y]

anyway. dean isn’t as emotionally repressed as so many people claim him to be ( often purely for the whump and angst of it ) . he is actually incredibly emotionally intelligent and articulate, and is very self - aware where his own feelings are concerned; john didn’t beat anything out of him, he didn’t stomp dean’s goofy side into the dirt, he didn’t do any of that. i do think that dean has some very big emotions that he doesn’t know what to do with sometimes, and i do think he shut downs and aggressively avoids topics and conversations that he doesn’t want to confront or deal with — and, sure, there are things he doesn’t quite understand or struggles with because of his upbringing [in comparison to someone with a normal life who would be exposed to different dynamics and social concepts than dean], but other than that, and other than shutting down when he has to, it’s not like … dean doesn’t know himself, or is repressing every single thing ever.

[ho1y]

don’t you see i’m burning.

[ho1y]

this was always going to happen. ( ethel cain // silas denver melvin )

[ho1y]

let it be my fault so i can fix it. ( clementine von radics // daniel lavery & cecilia corrigan )

[ho1y]

home is the first grave.

[ho1y]

dean coming back from hell, and the first person he calls being bobby. dean finding and hot wiring a car and figuring out how to get to him. bobby getting choked up and crying into dean’s shoulder when he pulls him into a hug. the mental image of bobby burying dean, his son, his boy. of seeing him in the flesh again, alive. dean calling bobby his father.

[ho1y]

relatedly: i don’t care about technicalities and logistics. dean having scars, still, from being torn apart by hellhounds. double relatedly: dean having nightmares about the event, and, obviously, about him literally being tortured in hell, as well as being trapped in and clawing himself out of his own grave.

[ho1y]

might write about it eventually, but … i do think there are serious mental ramifications of some of the things dean has experienced, re; his hell hallucinations as a result of his contract expiring. i know, in that case, what he saw and heard was a byproduct of his soul literally toeing the line between earth and hell, but also — i don’t think dean came out of it totally fine. in other words: dean does experience semi - common hallucinations, visual and auditory, and these are things he tries very hard to just … ignore.

[ho1y]

nightmare dean: joke all you want, smartass, but you can’t lie to me. i know the truth. i know how dead you are inside. how worthless you feel. i know how you look into a mirror … and hate what you see.

dean: sorry, pal, it’s not gonna work. you’re not real.

nightmare dean: sure i am. i’m you.

dean: i don’t think so. ‘cause, see, this is my siesta … not yours. all i gotta do is snap my fingers, and you go bye - bye. [snaps fingers]

nightmare dean: i’m not going anywhere. neither are you. like i said, we need to talk. […] i mean, you’re going to hell, and you won’t lift a finger to stop it. talk about low self esteem. then again, i guess it’s not much of a life worth saving, now, is it?

dean: ( come on, dean. come on. wake up. )

nightmare dean: i mean, after all, you got nothing, outside of sam. you are nothing. you’re as mindless and obedient as an attack dog.

dean: that’s not true.

nightmare dean: no? what are the things that you want? what are the things that you dream? i mean, your car — that’s dad’s. your favorite leather jacket — dad’s. your music — dad’s. do you even have an original thought? no. no, all there is is ‘ watch out for sammy, look after your little brother, boy ’ . you can still hear your dad’s voice in your head, can’t you? clear as a bell.

dean: just shut up.

nightmare dean: i mean, think about it. all he ever did was train you … boss you around. but sam … sam, he doted on. sam, he loved.

dean: i mean it. i’m getting angry.

nightmare dean: dad knew who you really were — a good soldier and nothing else. daddy’s blunt little instrument. your own father didn’t care whether you lived or died. why should you?

dean: you son of a bitch — […] my father was an obsessed bastard! all that crap he dumped on me about protecting sam — that was his crap! he’s the one who couldn’t protect this family! he’s the one who let mom die! who wasn’t there for sam! i always was! it wasn’t fair! i didn’t deserve what he put on me! and i don’t deserve to go to hell!

[ho1y]

sam asking dean, " how can you care so little about yourself? what’s wrong with you? " and dean, not being able to answer. dean, who after selling his soul and knowing he has a year left, has been the happiest he’s been … ever. because there’s an end in sight. because eventually, this will all be over, and that’s all he’s wanted. dean, who holds no worth in his own life, the only good thing he’s ever done being making that deal to save sam —