hoaxexistence

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i don't think somebody will ever love me the way i love

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life is emotionally abusive.

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wanting was enough, for me it was enough

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I did not cry.

I haven't cried for a while. Yes it's sad, it's frustrating, i usually cry at times like these, but yeah. I did not.

72622

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It's not what you think it is. Get over it, cause I have.

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having to come to terms with the fact that love is not an everlasting performance in which you attempt to retain the attention of your significant other but rather a release of control and putting faith into them and trusting them to choose to stay with you no matter what you have to offer

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I’m changing though. I may not know exactly if it’s for the better, but I hope it is. Adulting is scary, it really is, but I know I’ll get by. The previous posts were just me doubting some shits. lol. 

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Am I being sucked?

It’s been weeks since the last time I write on my journal. I have been spending most of my time on my phone making friends on stan twt, keeping my head in my laptop because of school works, watching community on my ipad, that I forgot to write on my journal. I feel so bad but here I am writing a post on tumblr. I am not sure what I’m doing with my life these past few days, but who is? 

I feel so rewarded when some stranger reacts or share something I said. Interactions from people I don’t even know makes me feel seen. At first I thought it was something so shallow yet, it feels satisfying. 

I am so occupied with TV shows that it pretty much makes up my entire personality. At first I thought I was finding an escape, yet why do I feel... caged.

I feel so distracted with all these devices around me. I feel like they’re keeping me from facing real life scenarios so I end up believing everything I make up in my head. At first I thought this is what I want, yet every day I feel like that’s just something I keep saying to mask up my true intention -- be so indulged with something to not deal with anything.

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growing up

my friend and i were talking about whether he should continue his studies or change schools and all that stuff when i realized that, “wow, this is what were talking about now” and although im happy that we are talking about important stuff now more often than we did before, i kind of feel scared that all these adult stuff are getting real. i started having legal IDs, i’ve been doing stuff i haven’t done before, i’m faced with difficult choices that will amost define my future and im turning 20 in 3 months and im scared. 

i know that what ever choice i make, there will always be perks and downsides. so i dont know which one will be worth suffering. 

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so maybe this is what people born prior to me meant when they said it will be tough. i was never instructed about making big life decisions but here i am in a moral dilemma. im still not sure if not doing about it and letting it go according to life’s plan would work, but that’s what im doing. 

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I should stop writing about it and just enjoy the show. Lol

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“movie reference”

Season 1 Episode 16: Communication Studies

I love this episode! Abed and jeff having their moments!

Annie and Shirley helping troy and pierce which was really fun and ken jeong was freakin hilarious.

This is a valentine's day episode and the party was really cute. But britta. Man, britta was so hot.

She and jeff could actually work out and i would've liked them if they're not as similar and as toxic together. This scene really proves how they're better off as friends.

The commentary started with how dan, danny, and Gillian said how dedicated the fans were for listening to the commentaries. Hahah

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“trust me, I have good taste.”

Season 1 Episode 15: Romantic Expressionism

I LOVE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH! It started with annie and ended with her! She adores Vaughn and it was nice of her to ask britta's permission although girl code, but still. (if i were annie, i wouldn't date Vaughn tho. Lol) but yeah, it's nice. I noticed Britta's face when she was approaching jeff and she put on a smile. Weird. Hmm. But then i noticed Jeff's eyes as it widens when he heard that annie and vaughn's a thing.

I like how britta and jeff worked together even if it's manipulating troy because it clearly shows how britta feels for jeff. She clearly likes him.

Hippy annie is super hot. And i really think about what jeff said to troy. Which comes to my favorite scene for this entire episode: their banter at the group table. It was iconic! Britta bursting out, annie and jeff talking about their kiss (which clearly worth something for the both of them), annie imitating shirley, troy and abed saying "they're just jealous," shirley marking pierce as spam, abed's eyebrows, and everyone looking at each other but then when jeff and annie had their looks it was..... Different. You know there's something there.

And then there goes the song. It was amazing.

In the commentary, dan said that they did the annie and vaughn thing so that if they would make jeffannie a thing it wouldn't be Annie's first experience with a guy that'll be shown on the show. I get that now.

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“culturally it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite”

Season 1 episode 14: Interpretive Dance.

I like this episode because of Troy's dancing haha. Also in this episode i saw how britta really feel for jeff and it's sad. She clearly likes him and she assumes that the jeff and slater thing isn't something serious but then knowing that it kinda was, it broke her. I also like how shirley knows what's up. Like she has this instincts, she consoles annie when annie reacted a little hurt when she saw troy and britta dancing and talked with britta about jeff. It's obvious that the writers are trying out the pairings here and troy and britta could actually work out if it was executed better in the 4th season.

I like what Dan and Gillian said in the commentary. Dan said that community isn't something they had the entire plan fixed until the ending because, like life, it doesn't work that way. Relationships that are made spontaneously are better and i love that. Also when Gillian said that she loves that the women in the show aren't defined to be just a love interest, i like that. And that's true, i love how they navigate through each characters and not just revolve around love stories.

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I might actually just do one post per episode now. I was thinking of creating an ig account for writing but im too lazy to start. Lol

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Thoughts

I finished the show last april and im doing my 2nd full rewatch and this time I'm watching it alongside the commentaries so im kind of in a slow pace. Lol. I said up there that it's my 2nd full rewatch bec for i time i was watching random episodes until i had the copy of the commentaries. So far here are my thoughts for the first 13 episodes.

“I see your value now.”

Episode one is a actually a great start. I mean sure they are clearly finding their dynamics but still, it has great scenes and lines and not all shows got that strong pilot. Really love that panning up shot of the school at the end.

“Milady, milord”

Spanish 101 is a fun episode, really hilarious. Ken jeong is funny, and hey i actually see britta better now. I remember watching this show the first time and i tried to like her but ended up liking annie instead. But now im actually seeing her. I like the bit where they did their presentation and annie was in a boat and alison had tears, cracks me up. Also i like jeff and annie so the tiny detail of the first milady milord here is so personal to me. AND the tag!! The bibliotheca rap, God was it iconic.

“falafel as fallback”

Introduction to film. Oh the first time i read this, the film buff in me just cheered! It was really sweet of britta to do that for abed and i see in this episode how they really treasure him as a person and i really love that, that's what he deserve.

(im writing all of these from memory and my memory sucks so these first few may not be that greatly executed.)

“you asked me to stay and you said we we're friends”

Ah social psychology. I love that line from abed so much and Annie's reaction. She was taken aback with how her words meant to him and i am deeply touched as well as her. My favorite part in the cold open was chang and Annie's moment hahhaha. Aaaaand, jeff and Shirley moments were here! Shirley's really funny and i love that part when she just makes fun of vaughn's nips hahah. I love the friendship between her and jeff. Also the tag is funny. Trobed tags are funny.

(i started sliding through the episodes now just to refresh my memory. Lol)

“because if crazy people can't be at Greendale, then where are we supposed to go”

Advanced Criminal Law. The freakin gif that I've been seeing for a long time finally had a story for me. (That one when chang was looking at the tiny paper. Lol) I love jeff and britta's relationship as well as annie and pierce's that were shown in this. Yes, jeff was helping britta to be closer to her because he wanna sleep with her but more than that, he likes her and he's her friend and he wants to not be an ass even for a while. Annie's cheerleading story was a good bit. Lol.

“I peed alone my whole life. Women have always hated me.”

Football, feminism, and you!! Aaaaa i love this episode. I said that I never liked britta that much but that's my biased opinion talking. I usually don't like characters i see myself in, so yea, at times i could really relate to britta. This actually talked about her too though they kinda did that already in the previous episode but of course, the show is introducing us to these characters so it's necessary for characters to overlap stories duh. Oh and this is the first commentary that alison brie was in because this is kind of a big moment for annie here, though this episode is for troy, okay this episode is for everyone dammit 😂. Anyway this is where i started to really appreciate annie and where they actually put a clearer path to her character, though still navigating. I love her confrontation with jeff and how his reaction after looks like hehe. Also that last scene before the tag, another milady milord. uwu

“I am batman. Or am I?”

Introduction to Statistics! WHEN DAN CONFIRMED THAT THAT DANCE SCENE BETWEEN ALISON AND JOEL MADE THEM CONSIDER JEFF AND ANNIE was a great bit from commentary. This is Slater's first appearance and her character helped in exposing Jeff's character. Shirley's deep emotions were navigated in this episode as well with how she divert her anger to slater. That scene of her and britta was really touching. I love it when the girls have their own moments together just like from the previous episode. Also i loved how joel, chevy, and dan admired alison's talents in the commentary.

“you're a nerd”

Ah, Home Economics. I love how they let us into abed's dorm. We see here that slowly they're really starting to become a family, although yes, annie got a thing for troy and jeff got a thing for britta but still.

“man is evil”

Hah. Debate 109. The kiss for the team. I love this scene and the simmons guy. That hallway scene will never not be funny. Also this episode birthed the imma die by werewolf rap from alison sooooo. Shirley was really funny, especially when she giggled when she teases jeff and annie. Speaking of that scene, God. The way he looks at her. That was probably the moment where i could say that jeff notices annie as a woman. The way he looked into her eyes before he looks at her hair, it was beautiful. That reproductive joke bit was funny but the phone will always crack me up, Jeff's tiny voice when he said he could just get another one is hilarious. Britta and pierce had their moments here and as much as i like their tandem i like annie and peirce more. Idk. Also their laptops are very cute, very old. Lol

“we're trying to save the planet, print 500 more of these”

Aaaa, Environmental Science. That opening was really good. This episode is a highlight for chang's character and i loved his and Jeff's relationship, they really make a fun banter. What can i say the last part of this episode was just great. That montage of troy and abed singing somewhere out there while the dance is happening, it's just brilliant. I like that transitions and how we see that jeff is capable of doing something decent even if it doesn't always look like he's doing anything.

“I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable”

The Politics of Human Sexuality. Troy and abed were kinda challenging themselves and I really love that for them. How abed cares about Troy's feelings really debunks the thing that he's emotionless. I love that the girls were able to do things here again, even if it's sneaking into the dean's office. Lol. Giant thumb in a turtleneck. 😂. Alison was in the commentary again for this episode and talked about how that closet thing story was based on her real life experience. Really fun bit. Also! That line from dean when he said alcohol just makes him sleepy, really funny.

“it's December 10th!”

Aaaaaaaaa Comparative Religion! This one's really good. I love that they get to talk about religion and beliefs without like picking on it. Also have i said how their overlapping murmurs and talking over each other in the background was really great? Nope? Yeah, well this cast make a pretty good background noise, i love it. Troy's face is the best. That shirley line where she said, “why do you hate me and jesus?” will never not be funny. And that bracelet that she made was really sweet. Yes she could get manipulative and may be good at gaslighting but i love how they still redeem her and make her still likeable in the end. And Yvette's voice is just so brilliant! Dan said that this episode was the episode where they really felt like they're really are a family, especially in Jeff's point of view.

“Annie's pretty young we try not to sexualize her”

Oh i love the opening for Investigative Journalism. I love how they hug after coming from their own breaks, and that jack black was suddenly there. Lol. I liked that bit where annie thanked jeff for getting mad and jeff said that those were the upside.. Really felt like somehow, behind all his bs and his inability to process his feelings, he's still capable of having one. This episode showed how he has the in the palm of his hand, yet as the show progresses, we'll see that it won't stay like that. And I love that. They're growing. And yep in the commentary alison said she gets those messages still, and after more than a decade, she still do. Sad. I remember what Dan said, she's a forbidden fruit. :)

05/19/21 - 05/21/21

[hoaxexistence]

Im rewatching community and watching the commentary alongside it. I kinda wanna write my thoughts about it.