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in 2024 im going quit spilling my guts to men that don't know how to handle it

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what would really help? i asked for peace in solitude and i felt that yesterday. why am i so restless? because the people i ended up loving always have a someone else. because i am special and im not seen as special or treated as such. because i'm also just another bitch and uncomfortable with being treated as such. is the femcel to trad pipeline possible? i feel there are things i'm supposed to learn and expose myself to but im unable to do that and remain chill. remain chill with being a side chick. remain chill with being an afterthought. if i dont like a situation i should remove myself but then i cant remove myself from every single situation. i shouldnt be isolating and passing up experiences.

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work of an angel is thankless

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i need more hoes maybe that will help

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i'll always have a secret outlet

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ive been postponing killing myself ... it's just the inevitable.

i think ive found the most meaning in piousness. and actually those practices haven't included others as centric to story.

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im a handful of years until im 30 and i make less than 15k a year how fucking pathetic lmfao

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bro i still want to die... i hate feeling so because it's a marker of feeling sorry for oneself which is ugly and unlikeable

i can barely get through each year how am i supposed to make it till 50+

how am i supposed to build up a retirement fund when i cant function as it is as a relatively able bodied/minded 26yr old

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i hate disappointing people i like / jeopardizing new potential friendships / feeling like i hold people emotionally hostage

i am bad with responding to people's calls and texts. being consistent. not letting anxiety dictate the trajectory of my relationships.

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forgiving yourself constantly and generously, so frequently that it becomes habit, is a great form of healing. most of what you punish yourself for is wasted potential that exists in an abstract and invisible place only you can see.

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04.30.21 14:45

These tests are so funny and I know it’s not a substitute for seeing a professional clinician, but I’m using them as a point of reflection. Also I answered these questions keeping interactions from people across the board in mind (family, close friends, acquaintances, mutual friends of friends, strangers, etc.) because every social situation demands a different approach which is where I have difficulty adjusting. 

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04.30.21 14:31

Notes: thinking of socio/cultural upbringings that effect responses to some of these questions

From this site:

Autistic females tend to be more aware of the need to socialise. Even if they lack the skills to interact, autistic girls often copy what their peers do and mimic the skills needed for social interaction. Autistic girls often won’t initiate social contact but can quite easily ‘go through the motions’ of how they’re expected to behave.

Autistic females tend to use their words carefully. Rather than making meaningless comments, autistic girls will use their words with purpose and will not use small talk to initiate communication.

Autistic females often create an elaborate fantasy world. Much like an autistic boy would develop strong, specialist interests, an autistic girl may develop a vivid imaginary world or take great joy in escaping into fiction.

Autistic females may have trouble understanding status. It’s common for autistic girls to misunderstand the social hierarchy and be unaware of how to communicate with people of different status. This can also cause girls to become anxious or hostile if they don’t understand why fellow peers are more popular than they are.

Autistic females are more likely to experience high rates of depression and anxiety. Beginning in their teenage years, there’s evidence to suggest that autistic girls commonly develop mental health issues, including depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Staff at eating disorder clinics in Birmingham recently discovered that 60-70% of the women in their twenties attending the clinic were undiagnosed autistic women.

Autistic females often have fewer friends. Particularly in their teenage years, autistic girls are often isolated or have fewer friends than other girls in their peer group. This is linked to the difficulty that autistic women experience with communication and interaction.

Autistic females find teenage life particularly stressful. Whilst any teenager can have trouble coping with their adolescent years, autistic girls are likely to struggle even more as they get to grips with their sexuality, relationships and puberty. These events can be challenging to understand and there’s unfortunately very little guidance out there to help.

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04.30.21 12:19

Quick notes: tried to answer as honestly as i could as how i feel about myself today... not what i want out of myself. those are circled in red to explore further.

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04.29.21 18:23

why does everything have to take so much time for me to do. i feel so slow ! is it because of overthinking ? cramming too much into an idea that was supposed to be simple ? this is why journaling hasn’t caught on for me .... 1 hour to go through a self-hatred test ? on top of other things I want to become daily habits ? stretching, exercise, reading, writing, sewing, drawing, pausing, meditating, hygiene, work ? all in one day ? not to mention making time for loved ones, which I need to prioritize. 

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04.29.21 17:34

youin trying to organize my thoughts, i’ve come to terms with self-hate that has been incessantly ignored. i took one test.

“How often do you feel that you... “

wasted lots of time (often): i hate myself for getting into social media holes, for letting impulse and unhealthy comforts found in scrolling override better habits i’m trying to build. i hate that i feel i’ve wasted years of my life due to mental illness. 

made a lot of mistakes (often) 

nobody loves you (rarely) 

you are an outcast (often): existential loneliness. 

you are a victim of circumstance (often): why do I have to deal with so many health issues? my body is a wreck; ibs, hemorrhoid, pilonidal cyst, vaginosis, back pain, chronic sinusitis (daily headaches/breathing difficulties/throat irritation) 

you can’t get ahead in life because of what your parents have done to you (often): I wish I was able to learn how to prioritize my wants and needs earlier. I wish guilt and gaslighting weren’t used as a disciplinary tactics.  

you are pathetic (often): i feel frustrated that I’m not where I hoped I’d be at this point in my life. that it’s always a matter of individual responsibility to adjust to the world’s shortcomings. that I can’t delude myself into not prioritizing my values which would probably guide me to traditional standards of success (i.e financial) 

you are rejected by everyone (rarely)

you are guilty (often)

you don’t contribute to society (rarely): I feel that I do in my own way but not in a way that most people would recognize. I appreciate my approach to life, I just wish the world was more forgiving. 

nobody respects you (rarely): I know the people i love and respect feel the same towards me, that’s what should matter right ? but do I respect myself ?

you are hopeless (rarely): there’s always hope. always. even if it’s a small sliver, even if you can’t feel it.. there has to be right ? 

you have no self-confidence (often) 

you are a loser (rarely): it’s complicated.

you missed many opportunities (often)

you are defeated by life (often)

 your mental suffering is intense (often)

other people don’t understand you (often)

no one wants to be around you (rarely)

you are damaged (often).  

“People with self-hatred problem spend a lot of time alone, constantly blaming themselves for things they have done or haven’t done. It’s like a hateful person follows them around 24 hours a day, except that they can’t escape from their self-defeating thoughts.

They may or may not be angry at others for not understanding their needs or ignoring them, but they are always angry at themselves. Thoughts of past failures and missed opportunities seem particularly painful. They are haunted by the stark contrast between their own lonely and supposedly unproductive life and other people’s success.

It is important to mention that their self-blame is not necessarily deserved; it could be a result of negative events beyond their control, such as victimization, being abused as children or other types of trauma. Self-hatred can be so acutely painful that it is sometimes considered a form of abuse.”

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suddenly remembered this poem as i was making breakfast this morning & frantically googled “poem remembered to buy eggs?????????” & somehow managed to find it & it utterly knocked the wind out of me just as much as when i first read it