holyholiest

[holyholiest]

My fetish is two men fucking two men kissing two men making out groping each other two men going at it two men licking into each others mouths two men

[holyholiest]

i want a sense of community. i had it and i lost it.

i was relatively popular until mid middle school. i think everyone clocked my neurodivergency way before i did. i was so good at masking. i hit high school and senior year was the best and worst time of my life. i fell in with a group of weird kids and it felt so good. for once i had friends. but i also wanted to blow my shit clean off. was depressed for months. crying constantly because i was so stressed about college. then i hit college and i lost everybody. everybody moved. i come back home for the summer and nobody is here.

i try to engage in fandom but it’s exhausting enough for me to keep myself living. to be social is another thing. i feel it is a once in a lifetime thing that me and another person’s lifeforce is threaded with the same string. i wish it was easy. i wish i would’ve got more into acting. i wish i could’ve done more before i had to survive. i wanted (still want) to be apart of something bigger than myself. i want to live in make believe forever. i was so good at daydreaming it was a problem. i don’t do anything anymore. i want my legacy to live on. i want to live forever. i’m so young but too old. always have been.

“he’s smart but needs to speak up more.”

“needs to participate. otherwise is a great student.”

if… i think too much about ifs.

[holyholiest]

they should invent a me who is not exhausted by simply being alive

[holyholiest]

i got a massage yesterday and cried during it. i feel better physically now. i don’t think it’ll last long. i hate what i’ve done to myself and how stupid i was. i don’t know if there was ever any saving me.

[holyholiest]

my chest hurts i want to die if there’s a god he is cruel

[holyholiest]

it’s all in my head, she said, “morning after nightmare”

“you’re building a wall,” she said, “higher than the both of us”

“so try living life, instead of hiding in the bedroom”

“show me a smile and i’ll promise not to leave you.”

medicine bottle / red house painters

[holyholiest]

popular culture used to be very much about eroticism. rockstars used to be on stage in sequins and thongs and thigh high boots playing guitars like they were masturbating. girls used to wear velvet mini dresses and no bras and red-brick-brown lipstick and mascara on their bottom lashes. people used to have body hair on television and in the movies. people used to be sweaty. people used to touch each other over denim and under cotton. foreplay used to be staring at someone over the rim of a glass across a bar across a park across a dinner table. people used to want. i think we’ve lost something

[holyholiest]

somatic symptoms of anxiety are so fucked. what do you mean I got so scared my body decided that it needed to add nausea and headache and dizzy to the situation. how is it helping

[holyholiest]

dogs might look like their owners but cat people always have a cat with the same mental illness as them

[holyholiest]

i love sluts i love perverts i love dykes i love faggots i love aromantics i love freaks i love librarians i love ibuprofen

[holyholiest]

i haven’t stopped going between hysterically sobbing and being just slightly ok (as long as i don’t think about it) for like 4 days now. i need meds. prozac would probably do me good. it possibly affecting QT interval scares the shit outta me considering i already am concerned about my heart.

in other news i got talking to my dad and he said maybe church would be good for me. and maybe it would but i’ve gone a long time, or quite possibly always, without believing in a christian type of god. i would say i’m spiritual but i don’t know how i feel about it really. i’m also gay and transsexual and that kinda also makes me feel iffy about church. i know there are churches who are welcoming of all but where i’ve had so many people in my life shame me because of their beliefs it’s a little offputting. i think whatever god there is left me long ago and now is slowly walking me to wherever i am going to end up. unsure. maybe i need advice.

[holyholiest]

got a massage earlier. cried during it. lowkey god is begging me to kill myself !

[holyholiest]

who knew social interaction does help a lot of things? not me! i am looking away

[holyholiest]

hello world today i feel great (by great i mean bare minimum ok!)

[holyholiest]

having ocd since childhood but it going undiagnosed > lifetime of trauma of one type or another > social group all being vapers > me vaping for a little over a year to deal with being suicidal > me quitting after i got diagnosed with a benign inflammation after mulitple ER trips > my ocd hitting me full force after this because i have convinced myself i am going to die painfully and slowly from vaping > i should just kill myself because then at least it’s my choice > fear of death > repeat this every fucking day until i die

[holyholiest]

seeing myself become a person full of hatred is a strange devolution because i felt so kind and “innocent” 2 years ago. although i do believe i lost whatever childhood “innocence” i had far too young. sometimes i still feel it. sometimes.