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[holyllamanightmare]

December 19,2023

Dear Jennette McCurde,

You’re breaking my heart. As I’m here listening to your book I’m finding myself reminiscing on memories I have as a child. Although we didn’t see church the same I found it very unfair at a young age how the boys were held to a lower standard growing up. I felt an out of body experience as my parents dressed me in pink dresses and sometimes even curled my hair. I was scolded when I was rolling around with my brother on the floor during church. I was to sit pretty and always be lady like. I don’t know if this is a reason I hate being called lady like. My brother recently talked about an argument my mom and dad had when I was growing up. We were both really drunk as my brother tells me he understand how mom and dad held me to such standards. I shrugged it off like normal and make a joke so maybe we can change the subject. I was very quiet though as he knew I was only trying to reflect the subject. “Mom wanted you to be just like her. She told you that her child will not be a loser and will seen as popular. She stopped you from doing things when you expressed your interest even when they were things that didn’t fit your picture of happiness. You said nothing and did what mother wanted because you didn’t want to disappoint her.” What he was saying wasn’t false. My mother had a way of delivering these horrible comments. I don’t think anyone would ever understand because she often delivered these horrible insults that sounded like advice but felt more like a blow to my physical appearance. “I’ve noticed you’ve started to gain weight. When I was your age I would only drink a coke for lunch. I was skinny, beautiful, and could have any man. You would be so pretty if you lost a bit of weight. Why can’t you date one of these cute boys? Like that one there. You could totally break their hearts.” Little did she know that I didn’t have that connection with any boy. I was more interested in being the best friend any of my female friends needed. I didn’t understand why I found more interest in my best friends rather these gross boys that only had intentions of telling their boys how they slept with me. I never slept with any of them. I think this fact made more boys throw them selves at me. When I dated my last boyfriend I knew she were over the moon about him. Everyone thought he was beautiful and I thought he was the best boy I ever met. He didn’t tell people about when I throw myself at him to just get my virginity out of the way. At that moment he became the best person I ever met. He stopped everything and told me he wouldn’t do that until we had been together for x amount of time. I was so embarrassed but today….I’m so thankful for his kindness. He was an angel. I think this is why I cried so hard when I told him we couldn’t be together any more a couple months later. It ate me up that I couldn’t love him the way he loved me. I was in love with my best friend who was a female. I made my choice that this was how I was going to live my life. I stopped telling my parents anything and lived double lives. When I finally told my parents I was gay our relationship was okay for a bit. I moved away because I joined the military and I became unaware of who my parents were for the next ten years. I didn’t know who my mom was and how horrible she had gotten. I no longer talk to my mother and some part of me is crushed and the other helps me to put the pieces together. I’ve become angry when thinking about the damage that was done. I’m very lost right now, but slowly making myself a priority. I’m not sure if I will ever have any sort of confidence at this point in my life but I will keep searching. I’m searching. Thank you for telling your story. You’ve displayed courage. Although I could never have the courage to confront you I’m mesmerized by your actions. I think people suck and I often put myself in the shoes of those famous. I would not want people to confront me. I don’t even like it when people come up to me in the grocery store. Again, thank you.

Sincerely,

Anonymous cheerleader



[holyllamanightmare]

December 16, 2023

Dear old me,

You did what you thought you couldn’t. You got out and did it better than anyone you know. Do you still think about how you regret letting this person have a piece of you that you will never get back? Yes. Do I think I will one day wake up and go a whole day without this person invading your brain? I hope so. This is all I can do for now. Learn ways to grow stronger and transform into a better version of myself that allows me to shed haters easier and build a beautiful life with those who matter. Those that give you the room to spread your wings and be you. You have a long journey. Please don’t forget that you will only get the love you worked for. You got a girl who loves you and supports you in all the important ways. Never stop fighting for that love. Love yourself as much as you love those close. Keep being true to who you are and find the new version for the time in your life. If you hold on to how things used to be, you will forever feel this hollow feeling deep in your heart.

Sincerely,

Lost soul