honestlymandy

[honestlymandy]

Free Gifts Cards via Swagbucks

Okay so thought I’d share this.

Disclaimer first, while this sounds like a scam, it’s not! lol

If you’ve never heard of this website/program I’ll explain a bit. They first started out as a search engine where random searches would award you what is called Swagbucks. The points would accrue till you could get what you’d like from their store or vendors. Now it’s progressed to much more. I used to use this years ago but quit. I stumbled back across it via this lady’s blog on Pinterest. I read it, didn’t do anything with it for awhile. Then I re-read it about 2 weeks ago & relogged in my account. Lo & behold I had 641 or so SBs already in my account. (She explains it pretty well too, and has a few side blogs on Swagbucks also.) This is what makes it worth using or looking at. For every 300 points you can get a $3.00 gift card, 500 points - $5.00 gift card, 2500 points a PayPal gift card. The gifts cards can be used at Amazon.com, Target, & Walmart. It is not hard to get points. I tend to do most of the stuff either when feeding Little Man or when both are napping. So far I’ve almost accrued 1500 points. (If you count the pending ones then I have closer to 1600 or more.) Trying to get enough to supplement some for Christmas. Any little bit helps, right?

Ways to Gain SBs: Daily Poll (takes like 10sec) Daily Videos & other (I don’t do those much if at all.) Offers via the Inbox program, like click through a slide show, answer a fast quiz, download certain apps, etc... Surveys Search Engine (Powered by Yahoo! just uses their stuff so you can get SB.) FB & Twitter Codes SB App Shop & Earn (shopping online at your normal stores & gaining SBs based off what you spent. Like Target right now is 2SB for every $1 you spend. Other places are even more.)

All in all it’s all about how much time you want to spend on it. Like I said I don’t spend a lot of time on there & have gained a decent amount. I used the Shop & Earn system this past week & bought the things we need to buy from Wal Mart & Target & used Site To Store, so it was available to pickup when we arrived that evening. Basically cash back & saved some time on those items. (Plus was easier to price shop that way. Had 2-3 tabs opened.)

They have a referral system which I am hoping to use. You refer a friend, that person signs up & whenever they get SBs you get 10% of what they get. Each person can refer friends too.

This lady’s blog has a few more ideas on making extra money for Christmas too.

If you’re interested in this & would be willing to be a referral just let me know as I will have to email you a link I think it is. Or if you have some questions feel free to ask. I’ll answer them as best as I can.

[honestlymandy]

Maybe I am a wimp...

Little Man’s tongue tie was fixed this past Tuesday. An in office procedure at the specialist that took like 10 minutes. Praise God! It was not easy on him or me though, I will say that. I do not like hearing my babies cry & not being able to do anything to help them. Lets just say I did get a bit teary eyed hearing him cry & fuss. I was told it’d take him three days to be able to breast feed properly. But to go ahead and breastfeed him. Since we still had things to do that day, I just continued to pump. I didn’t want to fight with him trying to attach and all that in the van. Well his early morning feeding I started to breastfeed him again. It took him around 20 minutes to attach, but once he did he really didn’t have a problem the rest of the day. But I did. I had to use the shield the 3rd feeding of the day because he was already causing pain in my breast. I’ve been breast feeding him for over 24 hours now and the pain is getting worse in one breast specifically. They’re starting to hurt just as bad as before I quit & started pumping. If I keep up, they will be just as painful & destroyed. I’m trying to just stomach it & grit my teeth through it. But when it makes me nauseous or want to scream, I began to get really upset with it. I do not want to pump till he weans. It’s hard on me! Double work, not as relaxing for him or me. If that’s how he has to get breast milk, I will though.

Maybe it’s not all just the babies faults though. I’ve wondered and am again if it’s not the shape of me. Maybe I have inverted or flat nipples. With Baby Girl once I started using the shield I don’t remember any pain. With him the pain is just as bad as no shield. Even after his tongue fix. My breast are even starting to burn with pain all the time now. Picking up Baby Girl is getting painful. (Which I can’t have that. Not with her needing so much love & time with me right now.)

I just feel I’m failing at taking care of my children. Seems what most normal people can do, I can’t. It is very upsetting to me. I feel I am judged because of it sometimes. In this certain struggle, I do wonder if I’m not being just a wimp. Maybe all other breastfeeding mothers feel this pain. (If so you’re an amazing mother, do NOT let anyone tell you otherwise when it comes to that!!) But I don’t remember ever seeing any one I know who breastfed, and I knew quite a few, white knuckle grip something, want to scream, or just deal with some sort of pain sign showing it was excruciatingly painful to them. (I know my pain tolerance isn’t that low either. I can deal with pain fairly high I think.) So what is the answer? Just keep dealing with the pain, take Ibuprofen or Tylenol when the pain gets to bad? Or solely pump?

[honestlymandy]

Just Another One

Why is it things seem to go wrong all at once? I’ve yet to understand this. It’s been one of those days. No it was one of those days at 10 am already! Baby girl was already being trying. Little Man was needing fed at the same times. Here is how my morning went. Take into consideration this all happened from about 9:30 to 10:40. “I got up, got dressed. Went & got Baby Girl up, changed & dressed her. Got Little Man up. Notice Baby girl is now eating dog food. *head desk* Put Little Man down & go get that from her. Clean the shield off, go wash my hands, turn around she’s got the freshly cleaned shield with her dirty hands! I lost my temper at this point. She’d barely been up 10 minutes at the most. Got the shield from her & washed it at the sink now. Finally got to feeding Little Man, she proceeds to get into her drawers & pull a pair of socks out. Which is a no-no. *sigh* This is after she got a clean wipe from the trash can. When I’m done feeding him, I hear her hurt cry from her bedroom. She comes into me crying. (Can’t see anything wrong.) I asked her what was wrong. Go into her room after laying him down to sleep. Her second drawer is open & Kodi is in the drawer. So he must have been the reason she was crying. I grab him, spank him, because yes, he knows better too & put him on the floor out of the room. (Stinking cat is as bad a trouble maker as she. They’re the duo I call Double Trouble.) We finally can eat breakfast. After breakfast she takes her bib off, unbeknownst to me as she finishes her drink & soaks the front of her onesie. She’s back down & running around the house. I change Little Man & dress him. Put him back on the bed to sleep. I put Baby Girl in her playpen so I can go to the restroom. Come back in & proceed to change her diaper again as she’s soiled it. Then have to change her whole outfit because she’s leaked from what it looks like. Get the load of laundry going after stripping his bed. Then dress her again in outfit number 2.”

So how was your morning? It’s times like these that I end up losing my temper with her out of frustration. All I can do is pray for forgiveness, apologize to her & try to do better. I hate that I lose my temper with her or get mad at her. *sigh*

[honestlymandy]

I’m Not Coping Well

No one told me having two children would be this hard. In fact I was under the assumption it’d be the opposite. I knew I would have some rough days, but I was in no way expecting each day to be a stress!

Let me explain. I’m 4 weeks post partum, so for me that means I’m depressed some days. Depressed in the fact it doesn’t take much to make me lose my temper. Things just seem like they’re going downhill. My emotional stability is blah. I feel like I’m failing with my babies. I did this with baby number one, only it wasn’t as bad considering I didn’t have a child already.

Adding on top of that the stress of Little Man’s tongue tie & heart murmur which means specialist doctor visits. Plus the previous doctor we had was crap. I’m still waiting on a call back from them making our appointments, going on almost 3 weeks now. Yeah, they’re definitely crap in my book. We’ve got another doctor to use who seems better thankfully. Since he’s tongue tied, I have to pump every feeding & bottle feed him. So I don’t have the closeness of breastfeeding. Also have to wash the pump & bottle so that adds more work in the picture.

Now add in the fact that Baby Girl is feeling very neglected & is constantly acting out. I’ve gone from having a sweet innocent little girl who got in trouble occasionally, to a child who is being disciplined almost every time she turns around. Yes, I know that sounds horrible. I’ve even relaxed on some things I was being stern about. It’s not helped much. So every day I look forward to her being in bed for her naps and James getting home so he can help. Feeding little man is hard if she’s up because she’s into things she’s not supposed to be. So I have to put her in her play pen & contain her, which I dislike doing or just let her run free & hope she doesn’t get into anything real bad.

So add that all up & you’re talking about a stressing mess some days. Some days I can cope well, but the last few have been real real hard. I’ve yelled & lost my temper more times than I care to admit. I’ve even snapped at little man, which then makes me feel guilty & adds to the stress. I know it’s neither of the babies fault! We are all trying to get into a routine. But finding that routine is wearing thin because it doesn’t seem to be happening.

The constant day in day out routine is also very depressing. All I do is cook, clean, feed children, & start all over. Rarely getting out of the house, & when I do that’s a stress because it’s a doctors appointment or groceries, which neither are that fun.

I feel guilty a lot because I snap at the kids. For other reasons. That just adds stress & makes me want to cry. (Which wanting to cry or cry happens a lot more than I care to admit lately. Dang post pregnancy emotions!)

In short, I could use your prayers through all this.

That I keep my temper. I have more patience. The postpartum emotions go away & the depression that follows it. That Baby Girl will relax & realize we love her just as much as before. That she starts obeying. Prayers for Little Man’s heart murmur would be great too. He has to see a cardiologist.

[honestlymandy]

My New Idea

I had an idea last night. Not sure how or if I want to do it. But I’ve thought about starting to blog more with recipes, Twitter posts, Facebook group & Pinterest. While it may not get many views, I think it’d be fun, while at the same time still usable for me. I already spend a LOT of time on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest. Especially now that baby number 2 is here. (Now why I’m on those sites more since I have a newborn, is because I have to pump milk for him every 3 hours, so I surf those sites when I’m pumping. When I’m not pumping I may not be on the pc for hours. Just depends on what I’m doing that day & what number 1 wants & needs. ) But back to the idea. I’m thinking it could be sort of a new parent blog, things from my day, experiences, but also I can add meals I’ve fixed, things from Pinterest I’m trying or going to try. My versions of recipes found off of Pinterest. Advice section for people to answer me with questions I have. 

Just I’m not sure. While it was an idea for me, if I take a step back & look, sounds a lot like all the other blogs from moms out there.

What would make mine special? I’m not sure. Maybe the fact it’d be more personal close people reading it.

How It’d Work:

The Facebook group would be to post the recipes and allow others to share their recipes with more a health food leaning. Plus places to get foods cheaper, like bulk items, herbs, essential oils.

Twitter would just be for those so I can say “hey new post up on the blog or group”.

The blog, probably this Tumblr, would be posting my experiences on whatever it was I cooked or baked, or just a chance to write something.

Pinterest would have the recipe, ideas, etc...all on the one Pinterest page with different boards so you could easily find it, instead of having to search through Facebook for the last post.

I could have other contributors in the future too. Like my sister who does a lot of different authenticity foods, if she wanted too. While I may not like some of it, others might. I think it’d be better than just randomly killing time on the internet by searching or gaming, even though I’d still do that some. Just not as much.

[honestlymandy]

The Decision?

I’m at a loss right now. Have a huge decision that has to be made, but I’m not sure what choice to make. 

See I’m due June 21 with baby no. 2. Yes, 15mos after baby no. 1 was born. That is not the problem, in fact that is a great & happy blessing from the Lord! I am thankful often for the baby growing inside me & the baby I am watching grow into a little toddler. But I digress.

The first pregnancy I had, I had a C-section delivery. Something unforeseen came up. With how it was explained, I thought from there on out every time I had a child, it would be a C-Section. So in my mind it’s made up & we are good to go on that front, leaving other things to be decided & all that. Well today, at my 28 week Dr. appointment I am informed I need to make a choice on what type of birth I want. I can do a Vbac (vaginal birth after c section) or another C-Section. I’m stunned. I was under the knowledge that would not be possible. I am now hit with a ton of bricks of making a decision soon over something I had no idea about. Where is the hard part you may ask. There is quite a lot of things to consider in this decision making. Granted some of them may seem trivial or somewhat selfish to you. For me I’m at a very stressed point right now. The Pros & Cons of a C-Section

I know what to expect, that can be expected that is. Already went through all that with baby no 1. I could have left the hospital on day 2, but we had planned for a 3 day stay & couldn’t really leave on day 2. Things went smooth, the staff were very calm & reassuring so there was not a lot of fear or pain. To me, recovery was not that hard. Granted I had to be careful because I wanted to do too much after the surgery following recovery time. The pain was not all that strong. In fact, to be honest, in what I remember of the pain there, this 2nd pregnancies stretching & growing has been more painful than the C-section recovery. There was some downsides to the C-Section of course. Like the fact that the antibiotics they give you tear up your system for months down the line. The pain of them pressing your tender stomach & wound, before you leave the hospital. The first walk & shock that it’s that hard to walk again. According to studies, C-sections are harder on babies, and sometimes further in life they can have more health factors. (Some of that may be due to other causes too. So that’s neither here nor there though.) The way our hospital did it, we were able to hold Little One right after birth. Well James could, I was still being stitched up so I couldn’t at the moment and I may have been able to, but I didn’t request it. But it wasn’t 10min or less after delivering her, that I was in my room & holding my precious baby girl. They didn’t even take her to bathe her, after her initial clean up, till hours after birth unlike some hospitals. She stayed in the room with us also. Barely left our site, even when she’d leave we could go see where she was most the time, and what they were doing. Studies also show the more C-sections you have, the risks do go up. A lesser chance of a Vbac after the 2nd C-section, and so on.

The Pros & Cons of a Vbac

The only pros I can see at the moment with going this way, would be for the benefit of the baby. Which sounds extremely selfish & wrong. But that’s not what I mean. Natural birth is the best for the baby & mother. But if I do a Vbac, I will not being doing it naturally, except pushing the baby out, instead of being cut. As a precaution the Dr. requires an epidural if going to Vbac, in case of emergency. The hospital room we will have, is right beside the OR for in case of emergency C-Section. If the baby is too large, which if it’s anything like baby no 1, it will be big or even bigger. The Dr. already made a comment that had I been trying to deliver naturally with baby no 1, it would have been a C-section. With a Vbac, a large baby makes it easier to tear your scar & cause problems. Some hospitals will not deliver Vbac, unless you are 18mos post C-section. As it stands, I will only be 15mos post. Which could cause a light issue. Then there is the uterus erupting, which is a very low odds number, but still a risk. If that happens there is danger to me in many ways. If we go with Vbac, 2 weeks after due date, if I’ve not gone into labor & delivered, I will end up with a C-Section anyway. I will also be required to take some meds starting at 34 (or 36) weeks unto delivery for preventative maintenance. Unlike with a C-section, recovery will be all new, and different challenges this time. Again, as with the first, I will most likely be alone during this time. But with a C-section, it was a 45-60 minute process from prep to baby here. With labor, who knows how long it will go. Labor pain & delivery is a whole new ball game. Of one I definitely don’t want to do alone, aside from James, but will not have an option really.

Unsurety 

I really am not sure what to do. I feel pressured. Feel that if I go the C-section route, I’m coping out. Being a wimp. Not strong enough. I know my mom will really be disappointed as well I’m sure a sibling or two. I will definitely feel judged on that. Judged for not choosing the better option.

Further Decision Factoring Stuff

If I go Vbac, I still may end up with a C-section, but it could be after a lot of struggling too. The downside of Vbac too is, my family will be taking care of little one, which meant a fast trip down there a day or two before C-section or preferably & option no 1 really, one or more of them come up here to stay & take care of her while we were in the hospital. If we go Vbac route, only God knows when I will go into labor & delivery. My family is not just a few minutes away, but 8 hours so they will need some time ahead to prepare for a trip which they may not have if I go into labor naturally. Then I will worry about Little one for sure, and James will have to take care of her, as I labor and or deliver alone. Then of course you have James work. As it stands he has 3 days maternity leave. If we do a C-section we plan it for his first day off during the week, come home on his 2nd day & recover at home for a couple days before he’s back to work. With us not knowing, and him only have 1 outstanding vacation day aside from his maternity leave days, if I go into labor on a Friday, & don’t deliver for awhile, etc...He’s going to have to go back to work with us just being freshly home from hospital. Or he will have to go back to work with us in hospital at worst case. Not considering this is his works busiest period & his coworker has quit, and will be taking his last day in May sometime. James may be the only one in his department at that time. Which will really be a bad pressure on him & I, too.

In all honesty, I don’t know what to do. I just feel pressured & sad right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears off and on since I was told this news. I don’t feel James thinks it’s that big of a deal. He copped a light quip at the Dr. office of “so what choice you going to make”. Like it’s just something you decide on the fly. I’ve never been one to dream about having a natural perfect child birth. To be quite honest, I’ve been terrified of giving birth to children since I can remember! (I am unsure of why that is.) The pain I’ve seen & heard women go through, I just don’t know. I was steeled for it before hand, just a bite the bullet approach for the first, but now I’m not. Especially after having a C-section before hand. I don’t know if my body can handle it. I’ve not prepped for this. We will have to take child birthing classes or research for this. Or more like I will because James won’t be involved with some of that. For me a C-section was the perfect answer to prayer. Some women I know hate a C-section and for some it was more pain than a normal birth. I want some one to just hold & comfort me & say don’t worry. I’m trying not too, but it’s not easy. This whole pregnancy has been more emotional than the first. Lots of emotions & stress. I am unsure of what to do.

EDIT: Baby boy was born via C-Section June 16, 2015 at 8:10am. He was 9lbs 3oz and 21 1/2 inches long. As it turns out, I would have had to have a C-Section had I chosen a Vbac because of same reason for first C-Section plus he was such a large baby. The C-section went well. God worked it out so that Little One could stay in the hospital since my family did not end up taking care of her. So her & James were with me & the baby! Even James was able to be in with me during the last part of surgery because of the nice nurses. He was able to announce the sex! He walked into the Dr holding the baby up saying “do you want to announce it?”! The whole procedure went smooth as did the hospital stay for the most part. So praise the Lord for all of that!

[honestlymandy]

Just Being Honest

I feel as if a lot of things have changed. And they have. That's given when you have a baby. Plus a C-section.

I'm the one trying to figure out the normal. Trying to juggle between the baby & husband. I think some of my stress is, I feel I'm giving everything but not getting anything. Which is entirely selfish. I don't feel the love from James I used too. I know I feel neglected to a point. I am talking more with basically my ex although he was not an ex. That always happens when we are in a rough spot. Is it wrong I turn to another man to talk with & joke around with when I'm having problems in my relationship with my husband? Yes. Does it change the fact I do it? No. Which comes to another point, why I do that. Why do I do that? Mainly because he's been there all these times, through the years, no matter what. Can go months with out talking, & then just start right back again.

See here is part of the stress I have. James can call me or text me when he is at work. He will say he misses me, can't wait to be home with us. His tone will be all happy, loving, caring. Fast forward to when he gets home. He will walk in say a few things, most pertaining to work and some to the game we play. He will check his anime site to see what's new, another couple websites, then go shower. If dinner is ready when he gets done showering we will eat, if not he will most likely watch an anime or play games on his phone, then it's back to the pc. He might play the game for a bit, depends on if an anime he really wants to watch is sub titled in English. If so then he will watch an anime. Then play the game for a couple hours. Log off and watch anime for at least an hour. Some nights if he doesn't want to play, he will watch anime all night long. I will play around on the pc, feed the baby, shower & get things ready for her to go to bed. After doing the final things I have to do, I will go to bed. Some nights he is in bed before me, other nights he will still be watching anime when I go to bed. When he does go to bed, he will stay up another 30 minutes playing phone games. He wakes up with the alarm to go to work, the baby & I sleep in. Day in and day out. Unless it's his day off then it's a bit different. He will spend the first hour or more playing games on his phone, drinking coffee. But do you see what's missing here? Any physical contact. He will kiss me & the baby before he leaves for work. Some nights he will kiss me before we go to sleep. If not that's it. A whole day! (Unless he is feeling "in the mood" then he will act more physical towards me.) Can you see why there would be a wall I feel that's between us? Why I am snapping at him more often? Which is not an excuse and is not the complete cause of it, either. But that plays a major factor. Which in turn answers why I would turn to the other guy too. He has not always been this way. Which I guess is why I'm so concerned.

When he wants a kiss, hug or other forms of physical attention, I just feel cold some what towards him, which worries me. I guess some of it is because he no longer shows it to me. I hate where we are. It's like there is a barrier between us, that only I can see. I can try to bring things up, & he will get upset, deny them, or basically say it's all his fault, which gets up back to square one, NO-where. But I don't know what to do. So here I sit day in, day out, knowing there is a problem between us that only seems to be growing to me, but not to him.

This is not the first time I have felt like this though. The last time is still a regret that I know I will have the rest of my life. And that adds another factor in, I don't want another mistake on my list. I have made way too many as it is. So I just try to get through each day.

I mainly focus my attention to the baby. Even when he is home I take care of her majority of the time. He gets too frustrated with her crying & spitting her pacifier out. His answer to that is to get irritated log off the game, hold her & watch an anime. Which I won't let him do. So I just will put her beside me & take care of her, until I have to shower. Then he has to take care of her for about 15 minutes. Maybe I am asking too much from him though. He works a full time job. He is tired when he comes home from work. This maybe where I am wrong, but when I worked 5 days a week 40 hours or more, I still would come home at night & cook supper. On my days off I would do the laundry, and clean the house & on pay week get groceries. Some nights I'd weed-eat the yard after he mowed, also. There was some times I'd have to ask him to wash a load of laundry while I was working but not all the time. All he did during the day for the most part was watch anime, nap, & play a pc game. So I don't think it's asking much to have him wash the dishes after dinner, & change the baby every so often. But I maybe wrong. Could be my attitude is what is wrong too. I just want this all sorted out. To have a new normal that is not confusing, and causing worries. But at the moment I am not quite sure how to get to that point. So I continue the days like I've been. Taking care of the baby, the house, the animals. Praying.

[honestlymandy]

Starting a New Journey

Things are much different now. Just trying to find a new normal; fitting things in the schedule. Not that I'm complaining about having to do that, no. I wouldn't trade my baby girl for nothing. But it's one of the unspoken things that people deal with after having a baby that can bring you down. It's no longer James & I, along with the 3 animals we have. We now center our lives around the little blessing we have.

Kyra has stole my heart. I will be quite honest. I wanted a healthy baby first & foremost, but I was hoping for a boy. So when Dr. Teagarden announced it was a girl, I was quite shocked. Most people thought it was a boy anyway, and after hearing one of the Dr's sound like he said a boy, several months ago, I was all but sure it was a boy. I feel ashamed now that I was shocked & somewhat disappointed. God forgive me for that. Because she is an amazing gift from God to us! Nothing I have ever had can compare to her. Now I can't imagine having a little boy. God knew what He was doing, that is for sure. But then again, He always does!

April 8, 2014

The Caesarian section was something quite new to me. Until that procedure, I had never had any type of surgery, nor even any strong medical pain killer. So to say I was a bit nervous was an understatement. But at the same time I was also quite excited. It was all new! James was the same way. I could not eat breakfast, but he refused, said he was not hungry. Even though there was homemade cinnamon chip muffins in the refrigerator. We loaded up the car with our bags of stuff, for him & I. And the diaper bag & car seat for the little one that was soon coming.

We talked on the way to the hospital. I was slightly nauseated having not eaten or drank anything since 3:57 am. Yes, that was the time I woke up & looked at the clock. I saw I could drink so I guzzled a sufficient amount of water as 4 am was the cutoff for drinking or eating anything till after the C-section. The nausea passed thankfully, and we arrived at the hospital. Unsure where to go. While our Dr's office is in the hospital, it's on a different floor. We found that we needed to go to 1st floor. Labor & Delivery is there along with registration. We made it to registration, a longer walk seeing it seems like it's a block from the L&D area. We went into the small room & finished registration. I had pre-registered online several months back per Dr's orders. Plus the night before they had called me confirming the C-Section & got a bit more information from me.

Well with all that finished, the lady told us where to go, and we were off. It was all serious now. James & I still joked some, but I was scared at times. While I know C-Sections are common, there is always that fear that something will go wrong.

We walked back to the locked L&D doors. I was slightly confused, because there was a waiting room in front of the doors, but the doors said on them "Authorized Personnel past this point only" or something similar. A nice man in the waiting room told us to push the intercom button & they'd buzz us in. They told us to come right in. After telling them what we were there for, we escorted to a prep room. If things weren't already real then, it became even more. I was instructed to put on the gown, street clothes were no longer to be worn except my socks!

It was like 10:40 or so by the time the nurse started seriously prepping me. Her name was Debbie. Very nice & helpful nurse. She had put a heart monitoring device on my stomach & it was recording the baby's heart. I also had to remove all of my jewelry, piercings, and even my wedding ring I was wearing on a chain around my neck. (The swelling had gotten so bad over a month before where I had to remove my ring. Although I did not like that.) Along with inserting an IV in my left wrist. Which hurt extremely bad. I had never had an IV inserted on the side of the wrist, always top of hand or bottom, or the crook of the elbow. She also drew some blood around that time too, for the blood bank, should I need some later.

James & I were alone off & on between times the nurses were in with us. We were cracking jokes, definitely trying to keep the mood light. They gave James his clean suit, along with a face mask & hair net thing.

The anesthesiologist came in & introduced herself, as Katie, to me. She seemed nice, & professional. Of course she asked me some of the same questions that I had already been asked. But I've come to find that is quite normal for a hospital. She explained somewhat what they were going to do & said she'd be back in a few to get me. Another nurse, Kendra also came in & said she'd be my nurse in the Operation Room. Debbie was not going in surgery. Kendra seemed quite happy & energetic. Debbie came back in the room & gave me a shot of some medicine that I had to take before the procedure. It cut the acid down in my stomach. Tasted like a salty, sour warhead. But yet it was more gross than that, but wasn't horrid. Very hard to explain, but it was not a surprise as they had pre-warned me about that shot. She told James he could change now into the clean suit.

By now it was 11:50 or so. Procedure was scheduled for 12pm. James had been texting friends & family. Sent them a picture of me on the bed all prepped. Of course I had been texting some of my friends, and definitely my mom & other family members. Katie came back & it was GO time. She told me I could walk to the Operation room, as this was the last time I'd walk for a bit. She was quite a bit more energetic now. Joking around some.

I walked into the room, through the double shut doors. James could not come with me at this time. He'd be allowed in after the anesthesia was administered. The room was extremely fluorescent bright. Lots of stainless steel around the room. There was quite a few nurses in the room also. Kendra came in behind us I believe. The room was quite energetic at this point. Most of the nurses in there, including Kendra & Katie seemed like they'd had at least 3 Red Bulls already this morning. The mood was light, as they joked with me. Turns out I was C-Section number 3 today, and was not the last one either. They had me sit on the table bare back facing the door, and then slump over where my back was bent. I had to keep my head down at the same time. The table raised up some so that Katie had the perfect position for my back. Kendra came & stood right in front of me on the step-stool they had in place. The whole time I am getting in position for them, there is playful banter going on back & forth between several of them.

They had informed me the worst part about this would be the numbing shot. They had to use a cold, cold soap on my back, then they'd give me a numbing shot that they described as feeling "like a bee sting". It'd hurt shortly.

Well they described it perfectly! It hurt extremely bad. Katie also had informed me to let her know if I felt nauseous, but I had to also let her know where, if I felt pain, was it: left or right. Along with be extremely still. Kendra told me to rest my head on her chest & lightly kept my head down. It hurt so bad! The shot, plus it took a few minutes to get the right place. My back is curved slightly apparently. The first few attempts I felt pain on the right. Well I had to have another "bee sting" shot. At that time I was about to be sick. I informed Kendra that I was really going to be sick. She told me that was fine, she had a change of clothes, not to worry about it. All I could do was pray at that moment. Jesus answered my prayers too. I did not throw up. I felt it on the left once, and then nothing. Katie had the right spot. I was told I'd feel the effects immediately, but it'd take about 10 minutes for complete numbness. I don't think it took that long for me.

I started losing feeling fast. They helped me lay down on the table. I had to keep my arms spread out, but I did NOT have to have them strapped down. Which I was so thankful for. They did strap my legs down, but by the time they did that, and inserted the catheter I had no feeling about chest down. All you can feel is pressure. No pain, nothing. A very weird feeling. Katie told me that if I felt the numbness creeping up farther than my chest to let her know, along with feeling more nauseous. If I felt it climbing where I couldn't feel my arms, they'd raise my head some & it'd go back down. I felt it a bit so she raised my head just a bit. She also gave me a cold wet towel to cool off & ease the nausea.

The whole operation Katie stood at my head & let me know what was going on, along with monitoring me. They all were still joking around some too. I informed them that my iPhone was still in my robe pocket to which they thanked me. They were slightly shocked I remembered that I think. They took it & set it on one of the tables. James was allowed in right after that. He came in & sat on the right side near my head. I held his hand.

At this time they had everything prepped. The blue curtain was in place. All we needed was Dr. Teagarden who entered sometime in that time. Katie had told me that Dr. T would first poke me with this sharp object, that if you weren't numb, you'd want to hit her. If I felt it I needed to tell them. Plus they were going to use two even colder soaps on my stomach. I did not feel the soaps nor the poking. Katie informed when she was poking me too. Making a joke about it also. All I felt then was some pressure as they started the procedure, and my eyes watering & face itching. 

I continued talking to James & Katie some.  Dr. Teagarden wanted to announce the sex of the baby as she rarely got to do it. James & I were okay with that. He didn't want to do it. I could feel some pulling and pressure but it was all good to me. Didn't seem like it took that long & next thing I heard was the nurses exclaiming, "Wow look at all that hair!". One of the nurses, I think it may have been Kendra almost said before Teagarden what the baby was. But according to James, Teagarden gave them a look that shut them up, as she exclaimed "It's a girl!".

On April 8th, 2014 at 12:44pm, James & I had a healthy, 8lbs 4oz, 20in long baby girl!

I had been looking toward the curtain or James, so I was prompted to look over to the left where I saw for the first time, my precious baby girl. Dr. Teagarden was holding her up. They asked again what the name was for her, as they had previously asked what my name choices were when they found out I didn't know what the sex of the baby was. Which that had also made them quite happy & raised the energetic buzz of the room before hand another level. I told them Kyra Lee is her name. She was whisked away to the left corner of the room to be cleaned up as Dr. Teagarden finished taking me apart & proceeded to put me back together again.

To me, it seemed to take longer to sew me up, than it did the first part. Which was normal. They came over & handed James Kyra. She was all swaddled up, in a blanket wearing a hat. Katie had informed me they made her a special hat & they did. They had cut one of the other hats bands & cut two small holes in her hat & made a cute bow for her! Wasn't too long before they were done cleaning me up & with the procedure. They had to have me roll over on my left side for some reason that I do not remember right now. But all I remember is it felt weird. Like I was going to roll off the table, and could not stop myself. Kendra was back at my side I think it was & helped me on my side then they lifted me & put me on the hospital bed to take me to the room.

James walked beside me holding Kyra as we headed to our room. We had room 153. Which as it turns out was not a typical Birthing room as the hospital was quite full. It was a Post surgery room. So it was quite smaller than the room we were expecting, plus we had no refrigerator in it. But that was soon solved when the nurse showed James where the big fridge was along with where the snacks, ice, and coffee machine was. The closeness of the room was not that bad looking back on it. Worked for us quite well.

Katie stayed in the room with us for about five to ten minutes then left. I never saw her again. I assume she went to the next C-section that was scheduled after me. Kendra was in with us for a bit, but she soon was called out for the next delivery also.

We were left alone for a time. James had given me Kyra. She was so small, even though she was born weighing in at 8lbs 4oz, and 20in long. But she was my (our) baby girl. Our little princess. She had a little but bright red birth mark on her face, right above her nose over her left eye that went down to her eyelid. She was not a fussy baby either. She of course had cried in the operating room, but she was not one of those extremely crying, whining babies.

After a bit, not sure how long Debbie came back in. Which was great as it turns out she was our nurse all that day & the next. Sadly she didn't work the last 2 days we were there. Things are kind of blurry after this. We sent texts & pictures out to all friends & family that wanted to know. Time kind of traveled fast & blurred together. Debbie came & got Kyra for a bath around 5 o'clock that evening. I couldn't watch but James & his dad & step-mom got to watch & take pictures.

It took till about 6-7 o'clock before I started regaining complete feeling back in my legs. It is the strangest thing to look at your toes & will them to move only to have them completely disobey all your brain signals.

At 5 am Wednesday, the night nurse, Brooke, came in to check Kyra & I. We kept Kyra with us at all times. I did not want her in the nursery nor away from us. She asked me if I was ready to try to walk after she had taken the catheter out and I was like okay. Talk about pain! Scooting out of bed was painful. By the time I made it to the bathroom I was about done. Definitely was after I made it back to bed. Felt like I was ripping open but it also burned. A unique pain.

I was told I could take a shower later on that day. Well after getting up just to go to the bathroom, I came back to the bed, feeling quite nauseous, & James told me my lips were white as I had lost color in my face. Debbie had came in at that time. When she heard that & looked at me, she made me lay back down & said nope, you're not showering right now. I successfully showered a bit later. One of the most refreshing showers I'd had in a long time. Felt so good! We had quite a few visitors when we were in the hospital. To which I say thank you for all who came & visited with us, and who brought gifts. We, James, Kyra & I, appreciate everything y'all did for us!

We left the hospital Friday, April 12 around 3 o'clock. James had rented a Hyundai Sonata to take us home in since our Eclipse squishes me in the passenger seat from her car seat. We had to make a stop at Target & Food City to get a few things & my prescriptions filled. We arrived home around 5:30pm.

There started another completely new journey...

[honestlymandy]

I feel the want to write. But I can't seem to concentrate on one thought long enough to form it into a coherent subject. I'm so sleepy right now. I have my 80's station playing on Pandora, and it's like all I can do to not lay on this couch and fall asleep for a few. But alas it's 9:44. I could fall asleep, but I will try to post pone it long enough. Love this style of music. But the memories some of these songs bring, cause so much internal emotional pain. Yet, at the same time it kind of relaxes me. Weird I guess.

[honestlymandy]

The anger is gone. The cold hearted numbness has faded. All that's left is the emotional hurt. The thoughts that taste of change. What was is gone, what's happening is the reality and yet, you're not sure where you fit in there. You don't want the change but it's beyond you. You're lost in that. Or well, I am. That's where I am now. How do YOU deal with change? What about emotional pain?

I gripped the handlebars with white knuckle intensity, glad that the machine I was riding was not alive. Machine abuse is probably what it would have been accused of, had it been.

I viciously, and angrily clutched into 5th gear. Gears 2 and 3 had almost resulted in hastily and hazardous wheelie. Not that how I was driving at the moment was any safer. I speedily darted around a slower moving truck on a double yellow line. Yeah, definitely was not being safe.

I dared a glance into my mirrors, afraid I might see the unwanted law, but nothing but the red truck I passed, slowly fading in the distance. I glanced at the speedometer, 65 mph.

Heh, I scoffed at myself. More so at the idiocy I was demonstrating. This was not how a mature adult acted. But then again I never claimed I was. No, the hurt had to be worked out somehow. I accelerated around a curve. The curvy mountain-ish roads were not for the faint of heart, nor the inexperienced. But alas, I needed some fresh air.

I loosened my grip on the handlebars just enough to relax the muscles some. Would do no good to cramp my hands.

Why? The only thought that was reverberating through my head. Was I not good enough? Did I cause this? I grit my teeth at the emotional pain that burned me. This feeling of betrayal was all to familiar.

I slowed the bike down, as the tears threatened to release. I flipped my visor up so the wind would dry my eyes faster. My destination was just around the next corner. I could cry then. Sliding into the gravel parking lot as I braked, I just sat on the bike for a moment after I shut off the engine. The sound of nature with distant country traffic was engulfing.

I stood shakily, the anger turning into emotional pain with every minute that passed. I jerked my helmet off and angrily set it on the seat.

Why? The thought came again, and I clenched my fist. I'd never felt good enough. I vehemently kicked a rock off the side of the incline as the tears took over.

I lost count of the time I sat there as I had left my cell phone on my bike. I stood, shakily, and slowly made my way back over to the bike.

Forgive. It was what I had to do. I knew it. I knew the pain would still be there, but forgiveness had to happen. In some ways I had already forgiven in my heart, but I needed to say it.

I slid my helmet back on, and cranked the bike up. It was time to go back and resolve this.

[honestlymandy]

The memories assault me here. The scent of times forgotten, happy moments lost. It hurts. A deep gnawing yet dull ache. The house is pretty much bereft of any of our personal items, yet it still rings familiarity. I didn't want to come this weekend. I didn't want to spend most my pay on gas to support them. Yet here I am, sitting in the living room, picking up where we left off; almost like the last nine months didn't happen. Inwardly I grimace, only they did happen. The pain, struggling to survive; fighting to keep James and I's relationship above water and the communication lines open. Oh yes they did happen. Today has been one of those days. I lean back against the living room wall.

[honestlymandy]

She's Gone

It happened again. And for the last time.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Then again, who gives a crap. It's the past. It's been a long struggle, one we were finally progressing in, now it's back to a complete standstill.

I'm talking bout "my" guild. Took months to finally get to level 2, and from 2-4 was hard, but we had a few help. Mainly a huge thanks to 2 friends of mine, Jeff & Nat. Nat being the biggest help. We are level 6 now. But that ended last night. Well maybe it ended a few days before that when one of her other friends left. She up and left because James & I haven't been logging in much lately. Sadly my 2 jobs have been taking a lot out of me, and when I do finally get home, I have to fix supper, then relax a bit, head to bed, to start it all again. I'm finally getting in a schedule/system. But the first month or so has always been the hardest for me. And when I'm tired the last thing I want to do is login and deal with idiots in the game. But aside from that I had logged in a few times. I didn't do much, just chatted with everyone, but apparently that was not enough. No, just not enough. At this moment, when there is normally like 3-5 people on, there is only one, me.

I'm mad, but more like hurt. This just reeks of what Kim did to James & I. Hers was a harsher knife in the back, but really what's the end of a knife but painful, albeit a sharp one or dull one. Both have the same end results, blood and pain.

I'm hurt because she's what made this game fun. What made me want to login on the days I hated WoW. But aside from WoW, she's the one I've gotten closest too. The one I had just told James not like 2 days ago, "I trust her more than most friends I've had in the past."

She was my friend, the least one I expected to just up and quit, because real life things have been keeping us from the game. Heck, she was no 3 in charge in the guild. *sighs* But, alas she's gone, better learn how to face it.

It's just a bitter pill to swallow at the moment. I now no longer have a friend to text. One who understands me, what I go through, who encourages me, back talks me when I'm wrong.

It hurts. But what hurts more I think is the fact that I'm also numb. I can't bring myself to think bout it much. The guards have gone up, and I'm cold and calloused.

But you can bet, I will not allow anyone in as close as her anywhere in the near future. Only one person who I call friend gets that close, and that's because he has been through it all with me, and he still is here. For that I commend Bo. He may, er does have other faults. But not that one.

[honestlymandy]

:[[

I just want to cry. I struggle with things. I don't understand why what James told me yesterday bugged me, but it did. I'm told it shouldn't but it did.

I struggle to feel good enough. To do things how he'd like to make him happy. To work enough to make enough money for us to survive. Yet I bite my tongue when it comes to really talking to him like I should. I can't talk still after being with him a year. I have tried recently more than ever, and in the end it has bit me in the butt. He's apologized yes, but it still stung.

I think I demand/expect too much from people. I know I tend to do that of myself, why I've been in trouble more than once for many different reasons. For some dang reason I'm on the verge of tears. Probably because I've let that sit in my mind more than it should.

WHY did it bug me? I don't know. Maybe because it was someone who got close to him. That she was younger. Maybe because it was a more recent one than the others. Or maybe because I'm just a jerk. I don't know.

Just needed to write though. At least I'm not wanting to cry now.

[honestlymandy]

Answers please?

Why do I always end up doing what I don't want to do? What causes that? I'm upset right now, but honestly not quite sure at what specific thing. The fact that my fiancé hasn't told me bout something's? The fact that our mutual friend knows but I don't? Or the fact that it kinda pertains to me not wanting to change my fiancé yet I apparently have anyway? No one seems to help me though. My friend says to breath, another friend says that everyone changes when around different people. I guess it's my fiancé's personality, but I didn't want him to change for me in this specific area I guess. I fell in love with him like he was. But I guess I should wonder in what areas have I changed too. Also scared that on down the line he may do like my dad did to my mom and basically blame her for changing him and go do his own thing whenever he wanted instead of going on family outings. Can anyone help me understand?

[honestlymandy]

All morning I just wanted to come home because I was bored at work with nothing to do. Plus James missed me & wanted me with him. Now, I am & have been home for a couple hours. What am I doing? Laying on the bed alone. James is asleep in the pc room. Yes, I am bored & very lonely.

[honestlymandy]

WoW irritation

I think I'm getting close to the end of my World of Warcraft days. Burnout, real life drama, in game drama, stress, elitists. At the moment I'm quite irritated. Our guild just got level 5. I should be happy right? Not. I've been working all afternoon doing dailies instead of herbalism with my rogue, to have one of the other guild members do a quest and cause it to ding. Yes I know it's a guild effort; team work, blah blah blah. I've been in this guild since the beginning, heck I even left the guild on my DK to reset my reputation with the guild to help level it faster, yet this one member always ends up flipping the guild's level. It's very frustrating to work so hard at leveling the guild to have someone push that last 5% and ding! Guess it wouldn't matter so much if the day hadn't turned to crap. It's just a game though. In the end it doesn't matter. Hence why it might be close to me quitting WoW.

[honestlymandy]

I sometimes wonder that if the time & devotion James spent in WoW & Rage of Bahamut was put into our relationship, how close & deep we'd be. But I don't know how to explain that to him without hurting him or him taking it wrong.