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[honestlytim]

Yesterday, I woke up with my back acting up. I splet on the floor on a couple sleeping pads that deflated underneath me. After I awoke I got a glass of water and began to meditate. Autumn was going through her qigong practice at the same time. I'm finding sitting as a way to enliven my body after the stiffen that happens during sleep. Reengaging with the breathe and letting go a bit. I also did a bit of breathe work and movement. As I did so the pain in my back faded. Sarah left to grab some snacks for the event and I waited for the others to get ready to go. Autumn and I arrived first to the park and we found a suitable spot. A pleasant grove underneath four acacia trees. Pan and the others arrived and we set up the alter space and slowly began the ceremonies. There were the three of us and Sarah and her friends that tagged along. Starting with Om Mani then into rituals with the sword and cauldron. Check ins throughout. It really reminded me of the Paladins Path Beltane immersion. It was good to drop into that again. After an energy meditation we went through a series of shamanic journeys. Then made art all together as a group. After the closing circle we relaxed a bit before cleaning up and loading everything back into the cars. Sarah and her roommate Isabelle went to grab food and the Three of us stayed behind to recap. After the recap we returned. I took and nap and showered as the others mingled and took care of themselves. After being refreshed I went out on the porch the join Sarah Isabelle and Pan. Smoked a bit of weed and chatted. We ended up circling a bit and then it was getting late. Pan was hungry so we went and acquired him some pizza. After returning once more I set the sleeping pad up and went straight to bed.

[honestlytim]

So what happened today. Woke up at the Dees after a series of dreams and a bit of a restless night. In one dream I was angry with Faith and I found her at a super market and told her to respect my boundaries and that it wasn't going to work out for me because she wasn't prioritizing me. I wanted her to stop using me for sexual gratification. Konshin cane down and invited me to chant and meditate, which I did. Then breakfast and packing and parting.

Autumn and I stopped into a home goods and found a little folding tea table. Then hit the road. We eventually fix the sun visors in the car with the bungie chords. Its was a quiet ride over to detriot. We arrived and greeting Pan and Sarah. Soon after we left to locate a drum. Went to a metaphysical store and another and had lunch and walked around some more shops. Then we split ways. Sarah and I walked to a park where her friend was to pick us up. Pan and Autumn went to find the Drum. Sarah and I chatted until we got picked up. We stopped by a little party/concert before heading back to the apartment. I chatted with the girls for a bit then took a nap. Got stoned with Pan and Sarah and friend. Sarah and friend went to go get ramen. Then autumn came out and we began to talk about the event the next day. After outlining it we went inside and autumn and I got our things out of the car. Sat with Pan and the girls a bit longer after they had arrived. Then I copied the schedule for tomorrow into my phone and onto a piece of paper. Set up for bed then hit the sack

[honestlytim]

So this morning woke up at old path farm. A relatively dreamless sleep. Autumn had already been out and about and I rolled out of the cot and gathered up my blankets and such. Steven Johnsongrove was cooking up breakfast, which was smelling divine. I went out on the porch and did some stretching. After that went back in and kept steven company as he cooked. Connected over coffee and ate out on the porch again. Brilliant was the sun as we ate. A white light coming from far off beyond the hazy hills in the east. We all gathered our things and headed out toward the cars. Before departing the farm I filled the ten gallon container with water for the tea service. Said many thanks and nice to meet yous to Steven for hosting us so graciously.

We then went to a cafe and did some computer work. I had a coffee and set up the online payments. After leaving the shop but before leaving Utica we tracked down a rainbow fridge at a food pantry and pick up our free lunch. Drove for the next three hours chatting on and off with Autumn. Then we switched after stoping at a rest stop gasing up eating and restrooming. I took a nap and fiddled with my phone a bit as Autumn drove the rest of the way to the Dees.

When we arrived we were welcomed and sat to have dinner. Then afterward we went to a park and walked around. After returning I showered. Then we all had tea and meditated before heading off to bed.

[honestlytim]

Waking I recalled these dreams

I was upset with Faith for she was going to sleep with another man

I was sitting meditation with a group of others. I was take apart from the group and was jilted and covered in a wet slimy tar. Ashamed I awoke

They were chanting Gate as I drifted in and out of sleep. I realized I wasn't with them meditating and chanting. As the dawn came I realized I was doing something different than everyone else at the monastic academy. I rolled out of bed during exercise period and made myself coffee and had a banana as I usually like to do in the morning when I can. Breakfast soon afterward. Not having chanted in a while I noticed the strain I had in my voice as I was gathering my food. A nice bowl of pats just the way I like it. During breakfast Autumn shared a bit of a fairwell speech and other had an opportunity for reflections and appreciations. Then Autumn and packed the car with all the things. That took a while and some figuring and reconfiguring. I grabbed lunch, opting out of eating with the gang. Said a couple goodbyes and then Autumn and I departed. We stopped in morrisville to return some stuff to the hardware store and Pan called. Back on the road we headed toward the bank in essex. Autumn opened up a checking account for the tour and added me to it. Asked me to get the online banking stuff up to speed to accept donations. Working on it the reception fell through so I resolved to get back to it when I could get it all down in one sitting. On the drive to the farm in new york I asked Autumn about her life. How she was nomadic and would play in bands and follow her intuition. How she came to massage and the other things she does. Her early life and how it all led up to doing this tour, which is truly the culmination of all aspects of her life. We arrived at the farm and nobody was home at first. We took a walk and around confusedly. Then went up to look at the ducks, which were very silly. Then Steven arrived and Nancy and Pete soon after. In greeting we worked out that we could stay with Steven down in his cabin. He graciously grabbed some breakfast for us on our way down. Before hitting the hay up in the loft we chatted a bit about what we do, meditation, work and such and then did a little sit. It was nice to do a bit of practice at the end of a long day of driving. Finally at the end of the day I got a taste of what we are bringing out to the world and it feels nice

[honestlytim]

Woke up and had my last breakfast at pine st. Oats and coffee. Ate out in the gazebo contemplating the journey ahead. Texted a bit with Christine and Flora. Themes of missed connection and parallel journeys. Said goodbye to Mom after packing the last bits up. Driving up the highway listening to jazz. Ended up skipping out on the wood stove. Arrived at MAPLE and back into the flow. Said hi to a few folks until the wave came round to take me out to see Autumn who was working with Micheal on the cabin in the form of Karuna. I presented myself and said hello and returned to the main building. Took apart the chalk board and released Mitra of Will's gravity. Took a nap and then did a little interview with autumn and keish about the tour. Snapped some pictures, which was fun. Then ran into Steven and we got to catching up and grabbing snacks. Started talking to Kriss who joined us out on the porch. We talked about circling and our experiences with it. Lots of points were brought up. Continued the talk into chanting with just Kriss. Relieved some of the tension interpersonally through it. Went on a walk with Steven again present and then retired for the day.

Feeling into showing up to what I came to do. Meeting people where they are at and being self directed. Trusting that precisely where I am is what is best for all.

[honestlytim]

In a room with a lot of people alike to me in that we are doing similar things in life. Friends, peers, companions. We hang out and eventually doze off to bed. As I lay down a decrepit old woman, basically looking like a rotting corpse, visits me. I struggle against her for a bit. She says something is the matter with her. She lays down on top of m and I feel my belly expand, something in my body. I hold her skull close to my chest and take a breathe in. As I inhale she enters my body and I awake. I am next to a beautiful woman. She stirs and asks whats the matter. The others begin to awaken as well. I think its too early and rue the fact that I didn't get to spend more time with the beauty. There are lunch table set out and we all sit around food. I don't eat but linger around the attention of a woman. I draw it away til I notice the other people at the table feel like they want to speak with her. I pry myself away from our embrace and walk down the rows. People are finishing up their food and packing things away. Walking back toward the other end of the tables I notice some stray underwear. Brodrick comes around and claims them. He sees me look at them, they are white with red seams and an elastic band of lace. He admits they are a bit androgynous. The tables are left empty clean and free of people and debris.

[honestlytim]

I'm resisting this. Writing my experience of the past day. Resisting the commitment to doing so each day. 'Its pointless' I hear, even though I know its not. 'There is no reason to do this,' even though I know perfectly the benefits and what changes this would bring. Namely that I begin to recall what occurs in my life. So often I run away into the present moment to avoid taking responsibility for this life. In order to not have to face the facts I stay present with the inconceivable present. This makes me forgetful and ignorant to the world around me. Blind even to my own experience. This technique of noting, nightly recapitulation of the day's event, daily of the night's dreams, morning and evening prayer of intention gratitude praise and compassion for the suffering of others, all this would lead to a more conscious and authentically expressed life. Is this spirituality? Who knows.

So this morning I woke up and checked on Faith. We had gone to see Moonrise Kingdom the night before in Amherst. After we took a walk around town we returned and retired to separate bedrooms. We talked long about the change in attitude that occured in me and what caused it. I no longer felt I could trust her. It had been so long that I had given the benefit of the doubt. After coming back from new york a couple days earlier, after our plans to see the show in turner falls had fallen through, my back had taken its last straw. I no longer could wait for her invitation, nor trust that it would be fulfilled if ever it came. I was fed up and finished playing into the regular pace of being happy playful and horny. She wasn't respecting my time and attention. I couldn't play the part anymore and I fell into my shadow. The bitter mute, callously judging the world from within. The self possessed and perpetual victim. Closing my heart and looking away from those I love most deeply in the world. I felt hurt and was protecting myself.

This is the truth and it isn't the truth. Its not a lie but fails to describe what was actually occuring. I'm throwing a pity party for the wounded parts of myself and I haven't even started. So I got out the oats and started preparing breakfast. Faith joined me and we got to talking out in the gazebo as we ate. Long after we finished we continued to chat. First we spoke of last night's dreams. Then about Sabien. About Faith and how they are similar. Why that could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. About how when you commit to being someone's partner you really got to follow through. Then we started talking about our past together. What went wrong and how I felt hurt. I saw that she wants a partner who is actively social and engages charismatically with others. That she didn't want me to change who I was in order for us to work. That having fun was important to her. I fell short and she didn't want to be controlling. She couldn't keep the illusion going and found some greener grass. I thanked her for the transformation that she's helped catalyse in me and after getting the last few things together she drove away. A sad and fruitful time. It left me grievous yet hopeful for the future.

I made some lunch and did some laundry and then got on the phone with Rosie. A video call in the gazebo again. We talked fairly briefly, I realize I was being a bit passive aggressive in reflecting the behaviors that had made me disillusioned with her, yet not speaking my mind forthwithly. I was preventing her from feeling guilty by not putting plainly why I was rather upset with her. I had driven out all the way to bovina and we had hardly spent a moment together. I felt dejected and underappreciated. She said some things after doing the digging to find that out. That she wasn't in this to be co-dependent with someone. That she wasn't going to accept having to be hypervigilant and over attentive to my state in order to constantly keeping me comfortable. That she wasn't in it to go through emotional labor just for me to express myself. That I need to be able to speak my needs and wants and what isn't working for me. I need to be able to say that I want a partner that prioritizes me. We concluded by stating where we stand, which isn't any where in particular. We aren't in a relationship, even a poly amorous one, we definitely aren't partners, friends isn't quite right. With us going separate directions we aren't really a thing one way or another. There is possibility after the roadtrip for something to take shape, but until then we will just be keeping eachother in the loop. I recall her saying she wants a partner to sleep in the same bed with each night, to wake up together and to move throughout the world together. To care for a shared community, to depend on each other and keep each other accountable to the goals and growth, to practice and prayer. I don't know if I can be that, or would be satisfied im trying to be that.

Next I went to play guitar and Trisha came in from the garden saying she was gunna walk back to her and Roman's apartment. I said I'd give her a ride and we could hang out afterward. We chatted for a bit and got stoned. I played the guitar and she was being a bit over baring taking care of my needs. Asking if I needed anything, wanted water or beverages. I felt her stress and anxiety. She began cleaning things up. Roman came back and we watched some TV. It was nice being with him even though we didn't talk much. I felt sad seeing them feed into each other's habits. They seemed stuck and unwilling to get out. I no longer felt the need to deal with it but simply wished for their circumstances to improve. In sorrow I left and came back to my own bed to turn in for the last night in a while to be spent at Pine st.