honeybunny180

[honeybunny180]

April 25 + 26!

I’m having a hard time keeping up!

The 25th was a good day, if I recall,,, last day of classesssss

[honeybunny180]

april 25 2023

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

today i had a niiiiceee day

I ran a little later today than expected, but also did some weight training afterwards. I started at around 9:00am, not 7:30, but its ok! I had a restful morning. I stayed up a little later than intended reading murakammmiiiii :3 anyway, i got to class early, murtha had pizza and we were in class for all of 20 mins before he dismissed us.

kailey and pow and i spent some time on the quad; things feel so unbelievably natural and good. we always got along, shit was always no pressure, similar mindset. and that makes all the difference in trying to force something that doesn't fit and some thing feels as easy as the sun rising and setting. >>> kailey threw peanuts at the goose while pow and i developed tan lines. pows heading to florida this summer for an internship, kailey will be here. we talked a little shit about jonathan, about arch mindset (lame), and dissected silas's breakup with tyson (hes spending too much time with his girlfriend lol)

//

franklin's working hard at his desk, eyes glued to his screen.

,

The gang im trying to be close with is there; leila and Eli and ayah and Kelly and Noah come in and out.

Eli and I chat about evangelism (I hate it? He loves it) and a24 films. He’s flying prices of chipboard together for his model. Leila like what she likes, Eli says some outta pocket shit and ayah gives him that look (he was saying something about Muslim culture. He was kidding!). Noah comes in, Kelly comes in, we talk protests, they r working hard and i head home to do the same.

I wish I had stopped by sooner, but I think thins time of year their class just got canceled a lot lol.

/

The suns setting and I grab a borgor from Jack Bsssss. Miguel is there, so I bullshit with a full mouth and busy fingers!!

I run into aahan on the walk home, sun starting to rlly set! He picks me up and walks me home, and his friend pumba stops in a lil while after we have sex haha.

Aahan looks at me with his big eyes, all warm and soft. Things are nice.

We head to the pizzeria for some bass show and im bouncing around, lol happy to see and hug and im being loud and confident and feeling normal. Barring the fucking dumbass girl blowing kisses at allegedly Lukas (I hope him and not my boy) it was gooooodd

I dances happily, full of energy, and passed out on the couch.

Summers nearing, you know?

[honeybunny180]

april 23 + 24 2024

hmm lemme think!

i started this new routine. up by 7, 1 mile run, rinse in shower and rdy we go!! ive been coking the night before (eggs n dinner) so less time is spent in the am. Its been good! the early morning movement helps make me feel productive and clear headed. I get good early sunlight. the fact it is only 1 mile helps; its a 10-20 min thing (with stretching involved). i can make time for that; i make the time and it rlly helps, the mood effects are almost immediate.

i hit a 9 min mile today! i went after work, i didnt sleep much the night before to warrant getting up early. i came home, made time for a lik hour 30 reset like kims suggests and went at it at around 6pm, stretching running walking till about 7pm. good shiiiiiiiiit

since implementing movement into my day, my mood has leveled. i love to come home and sit with aahan on the patio or curl up into his arms, sunlight inching further away and birds chirping in the even. i feel as almost carefree as i did as a kid.

////

ayah DISHED to me yesterday. she told me all about sam being some zionist (which like, to admit to ayah of all ppl is crazy). i stood with her, in a uniqlo tube top and mesh cardigan i just got (such good brand) blinkly and gasping at her while she filled me in and replaced the cardboard in the laser cutter. she making a topo, it looks good :)

eli knows all the gossip already, he sweeps his hair out of his eyes and claims he doesnt but he does. sam allegedly broke up with her bf of 3 years and started seeing shane! of all people!! shit took like 3 years to develop but i coulda seen it happening in 1st year. Shane seems less like, isolatory. his hair has grown out in soft waves over his forehead, instead of the blunt cut he used to have. it compliments his mouse colored hair. Shanes like a little brother to me; im happy hes getting out of his comfort zone.

leila bounds in, canadian tuxedo and all, says shes got a uti. ayah and i diagonosis here and eli listens politely. the sun inches down further and further and ive gotten hungry, so i say bye and tell them ill see them later.

a lot has happened since november. i got the snese i was out of the loop before i left studio, but thats ok. i have the vision now to see what all is important, and keeping ym eyes open as best i can.

night little packet! be good~!

[honeybunny180]

april 20 - 22 2023

lol my silly ass did not journal like i was suppose to OOPS

20th was fun!! sat night vibes, took a nap before going out to see aahan's set at is show at 4:30am :)))) got free breakfast at the hotel after with rach n christian!! everything was fun and cool and nice and im very proud n happy!! we had this lovely little moment in the afternoon before work; i was sitting outside, as i tend to do these days, and he joined me and the sun and birds and rested in my lap. i rubbed his curls and head and pulled his shirt up to feel the warmth of the sun and ran fingernails along his spine. he sighed happily. I wacthed him lovingly and i realized things were going to be ok with us :)

21st was day of rest n recover! i ws eepy until about 12:30??? got up, stretch, journal, cleaned, got yum grocery so me n aahan can eat good, then RANNNNN for the first ime with aahan which was fun!!! got off, hehhehehe, then got indiannnnn fooooddd cuz it was family din sunday!!! good vibes all around, felt fulfilled. we started chainsaw man!! shit is crazy!!!

22 was very nice!! similar routine! sleept a little later, felt energized, stretch journal breath (LEO skepi is around every day btw!! good energy) went to work and worked hard!!! came home, cooked, cleaned, brush teef,, ate watched chainsaw man, all good. busy. good busy.

yayayay :) spring of dragon! i feel less scared, more happy, more in control. The very opposite of what I was expected to feel at this point. I hope my new habits (movement, eating, sleeping, communicating, is helping!)

[honeybunny180]

april 19 2024

Eli talks about certain stuff and sorta gets lost in it. Hes waving his hands around, eyes flitting between me and leila, explaining this obscure essay about gay sex and aids and submissive behavior and misogyny and all this stuff he read for his critical theory class. Very eli of him. And whats very Cat of me is to watch him, and nod my pretty little head and hum little affirmations, watching his hands and blue eyes, then looking to leila, then eli, then leila. and whats very leila of her is to counter with somthing hella outta pocket; something about dubai princes and fetishes and woman and society, and we are all off on another tangent, another rabbit hole in ways that are very us.

its all very complimentary and easy going; i forget sometimes how things can be that way, even if its been a while, even if i dont know his birthday or if leila and kelly r still a thing (they are, i found out later)

speak of the devil, kelly's coming in with something about her rhino model; me and eli like the yellow, but maybe try this yellow or that yellow. leila is adamant kelly's drawings must not be mcdonalds 3d printer yellow, like i said, but old abandoned sunbaked water slide yellow. then she says the yellow should actually be purple, like lilac. eli and i disagree, and kelly thinks none of us are any help. she's smiling, though, in the way that very kelly, a very breathy laugh in her throat and hand pushing back her hair.

i walk home feeling pretty good.

//

i ended up at the last like 35 mins of zingara, n had a greaatttt time. first time ive been able to drive myself to the venue, and sure i wish i got there earlier, but seeing everyone and listening to the music while dancing with tiger was a great time nonetheless. I had a cute little tennis skirt on that I had bought for 30 and regretted it at the time!! I hadnt seen what all i could do and how adoorabbleeee and mobile i could feel at the time ahaha.

sleep tight!

[honeybunny180]

april 19 2024

(hey my man this is me writing on 4/21 but like!! i had to write about the good stuff for memory!!!)

MAN A LOTTA SHIT idk even like!!! just class n work n all this junk but the PART i wanted to share was

aahan and i got into it SLIGHTLY at dinner cuz i got uncomfy about the way he spoke to someone on the phone and then him getting texts from his exs. I took a sec to process and communicated laterrrrr.

THE IMPORTANT NOTE is that you are his girlfriend so you in no way shape or form have to take any uncomfortableness in ur relationship.

tiger had offered to cut people in question off, had provided me with reassurance that it was ME and no one else (yayyy)

I declined cut off intially, but when i realized my feelings shouldnt be sacrificed even it wasnt necessarily a big deal, i says!

hellooo since things r rocky cuz i feel insecure in our attachment or whateva,, while i work on myself, if its ok with you, if we can avoid/mitigate things that are of this nature for the time being, as i build trusttt etcetc for example not engaging or intiating?? like is it important to u to send an old pic then delete it, if itll make me feel kinda funny at this senstive time?

and he was like BRUH NO WAY ILYYYYY i hear u loud n clear im totally ok with that!!

very cool! things were instantly better. It clicked at the time my needs r my needs and u should advocate for them cuz no one else can!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kk ty byEE

[honeybunny180]

april 18 2024

(hey on man this is me writing on 4/21 but like!! i had to write about the good stuff for memeory)

so yeah my n tiger got INTO it the night before, like really scary icky feelings in the morning; me trying to train myself to not be fearful.

so i tried a new strat, tried to teach my brain new patterns. Woke up, talked myself off the ledge (gratitude and todaysa new day talk, like kim taught me)

immediately went outside; felt so nice to just like, sit there, make space for icky thoughts while monitoring them, then move. move move move my body and feel the sun and after a while, things were ok. approaching good! on my own shit type thing. i deserved to treat my body well.

anywayyyy whatever whatevevvvrr thinsg happened. Went to class, took a test fro 20 mins then went to studio just to take a PEAK. i almost didnt, and i bumped into ayah and a few others. and as i was sitting there, the familiar sense of peace and belonging came to me. i wanted to restabilish things with my friend, and build better relationships with familar faces i wasnt so close with. No pressure, but I left smiling and fulfilled in my community feelings, and thought a little bit about how to keep it going.

,,

remained calm, cleaned nails, walked some more, breathed, ate. took care of my 3 rungs today.

//

i rested;;; for a long time while tiger had his friend over. I was doing some stuff i had put off, albeit slowly.

when he walked his friend out to say bye, i found myself back on the patio, on my mat, eating an ice cream sandwich in almost summer evening breeze and listening to the animals. birds and crickets and things. Tiger sat with me, and we just chatted. I talked to him like i did ayah, leila, whoever, but with a little added something. it felt like we were good, chemistry holding, partners, on that mat on that patio on that night. I love him dearly. sitting there felt like it did in summer as a kid and then some.

things r ok. put urself first! good things will come from that! take it easy and remember where ur sitting/standing

[honeybunny180]

April 12 2024

Ohhh my fucking gooooddddd

Things r exhausting after the sun goes down. After I get home from work. There’s nothing left to give and a**** and I are exhausting ourselves with the same shit, different day.

At the end of all our arguing and me walking out,

I shower and we curl up next to each other In bed. This time in just tired. I have no more power to strength to obsesss over it anymore. The only thing left is anger at a single thought, and the rest is

Nothing.

I hope things ,,,, change? Positively? Whatever that is ? (I’m scared)

Here’s to a better time and another chance tomorrow!

[honeybunny180]

April 11 2024

hiiii :)

The last few days have been good! But I won’t dwell on it, time has passed

/

Today I skipped history for some reason. And in turn I went to studio to grab a copy of nova, and ran into friends! Ppl I care about and haven’t seen.

Ppl I thought I didn’t care so much about, or bored me, and yet I’d thought this wasn’t so bad.

things around eli have cooled off; I can relax and smile and be my funny little witty self :))

[honeybunny180]

happy April 6-7!

/

it’s 6:30am and I haven’t slept yet. Let me go on until 2pm and it’ll be 24hrs.

I landed in this bathroom I’d never been in before. In stead of being stubborn and good and avoiding substances in a bad mood I did what I figured I wanted.

Micah said , jackets off! House music bumping and lights flashing and I was definitely moving.

So anyway, I’m in this bathroom. There’s these expensive to not so expensive perfumes lined neatly in a little holder. It’s neat, sophisticated. I spent careful time smelling oud scents and black opium and perfumes written in languages I didn’t understand. It was then I remember my pink bottle of creamy fruity girl-like perfume is ok for a girl my age; there was no rush to smell, talk, dress like someone almost twice my age! She wears it well, and I will to at some point, but for the time being ill admire from my point of view.

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

[honeybunny180]

April 6 2024

Heyyooooo!!

It’s sunny today, and I’ve had my coffee today. Songs I used to listen to often sound really good!! I’m kinda experiencing some stuff I was feeling back in like ? April of 2021? Or something

It’s REALLY interesting to just kind like, enjoy scrolling on tumblr and listening to Andy Paak and watching attack on titan. Chilling rn, living in my little cat head here and there !!

[honeybunny180]

Hi! Good Morning / Night Little Bird!

⋆˚✿˖° ⋆˚✿˖° ⋆˚✿˖°

today was a very nice day!

[honeybunny180]

RABBIT’S SPRING IN DRAGON

✿

New world order, yeah?

[honeybunny180]

hmmm

aahan missed his set? I woke up and in my delirium wonder what time it was. We all slept.

I felt bad?? And like

Man I rlly be bitching out these days but also like?? Fuck???

I felt sos left for him I could cry? And I could see him seething and yet he picked himself up seemingly.

A lot has happened today. The plan b the call the talk the tiredness the sleeping.

It’s ok. We gotta move forward with intention.

[honeybunny180]

hi love.

just to recap incase you forget, the good things, ur mommy watches out for you and loves and cares for you so much. Ur dad checks in on ur regularly. Ur brothers and sisters are right there whenever u need even if you can’t hear them now. ur aahan calls you to check in on you, to make sure ur ok, to share his day with you because he chooses to, he chooses you.

Take the time to find what makes you feel ok. Even if it doesn’t rn but used to. Move ur body and journal and draw little pictures and listen to music and drink tea n eat cookies and play games. And see and talk to ur loved ones. When u feel weak they will bring you strength, and then you can do so for them when you’re up on ur feet. They will remind you that ur false narrative is not real. (Spend less time on socials! It’s training ur brain with false narrative too!)

That you have intact, cute fluffy brown hair like a Lion! And big brown eyes with long eyelashes and pink lips. And you have gentle hands and a big compassionate heart, and wisdom for someone older than you are. You survive, and stand, and push forward, even if you have to cry and sleep for 14 hours to get there. Journey is not linear, don’t confuse it to be so.

It’s harder for you, and it shouldn’t be, but ur making it work and pushing thru where others haven’t. People don’t know you like you do, so don’t let them dictate what u think of urself.

U make people smile and feel safe and happy endlessly. You have expressed things so brightly and so creatively and so uniquely, and u have so much more to give.

Go go go! And don’t forget to be communicative and appreciative on the way.

Care for urself and the little version of you. Protect and give what u may have lacked.

Aug 23/24 2023

[honeybunny180]

Hey Angel!!!!!

It’ll be ok, it really will.

Fuck the girl, fuck school, fuck all the bullshit.

You are fine, you are favorable.

Look forward, move forward. He loves you, you love him, ur friends r coming back, u have chances to make new ones, be involved, learn and grow. Set urself up for success.

[honeybunny180]

Oof this place is incomprehensible.

/

I cried my eyes out to my dad on the phone about money and school and being miserable. It helped a lil. I thought about calling my brother, to help me push thru misery or whatever, aahan cAlls me. My perfect makeups got ruined after crying and yet he thought I looked so cute in my little polo. I love him and he loves me too.

I still need to talk to him, about the other girl, about what I’ll have to do, about words and actions lining up? About how much I love him, about how thankful I am for him, about how sorry I am about being down and out for a little bit.

All the pain is worth it to make it through, if we can make it through, If I can make it through things will feel bright again, I’ll be stronger, more equipped.

I feel ok rn. I think maybe I need to get more stuff of my chest instead of just aahan/girl problems?