honeywoodocd-blog

[honeywoodocd-blog]

18/10/19

I have been experiencing a lot of guilt and fear surrounding my relationship.

During my time off for half term at work, I plan on working extensively on myself and showing compassion.

I am really looking forward to having this opportunity to grow and know that if I can get involved with the right community I can do anything!

I am looking forward to growing and healing and though I realise this may not look easy or be easy, I am ready to put the work in!

I am proud of myself!

I am safe!

I am secure!

[honeywoodocd-blog]

16/10/19

I’m finding it quite difficult to be present and trying to heal because of how tired I am when I get home.

I’m still experiencing some fear and guilt about the intrusive thoughts/ruminations I’m having.

I’m trying to remind myself that everything I am experiencing is completely normal and fine! It’s normal to worry about your relationship and to experience fear in difficult times and worrying about if you are going to break up.

However, I know that these feeling and worries are normal. I also know that it’s a great opportunity to learn and expand my love and relationship with my boyfriend. It’s a great opportunity to grow and as well as to learn more about myself.

[honeywoodocd-blog]

15/10/19

Today I have been thinking about relationships. How ones that look picture perfect in society through social media may not actually be showing us the whole truth.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and fear towards my relationship recently, and I think when taking a step back it’s because of actually looking at how difficult a relationship is to maintain.

My boyfriend and I have been through so much, and we are continuing to work through lots of things.

I miss my partner, I miss the relationship we had and now that this dynamic has changed, I do missed the quality time we spent together.

In order to progress, on my week off on going to be focussing not only on the work I have to do, and also taking care of myself but I’m also going to take care of my partner.

I’m looking forward to cooking for him, cleaning and just being more present. Something that this job does not allow me to do.

It’s a great time for us to grow and learn from one another and it will also give me the opportunity to develop myself!

[honeywoodocd-blog]

14/10/19

Hello!

Today I haven’t been ruminating nor obsessing which has been nice. I’m very tired from today as it’s been a long day of work haha and now I’m off to meet a friend for dinner.

I’m still a little uncomfortable when I think about my intimate life with my partner, but I think that is stemming from the pressure I am putting myself under to have sex. We spoke about it last night, and I did suggest things we could do to make it more exciting and more of a positive experience so I’m looking forward to that.

I need to work on allowing my partner to touch me without panicking about the intimacy of it, but I’m looking forward to doing this work!

[honeywoodocd-blog]

13/10/19

Today I’ve been learning more about success and healing in ROCD and I was watching awaken into love on YouTube.

Now in this, she was saying how actually the path of success and the path of healing is not a straight road and that there will be dips in this and that’s because it’s the brain going into these low moments and wanting still to retreat back to these comfortable processes of thinking.

When looking at my progress, I can recognise that I am in fact progressing. That each day I am learning to rewire my brain and how recently I may have been letting this dip.

Now that I’m at that low place I need to bring in my wisdom. The wisdom of knowing that success isn’t a straight road and neither is healing. This low is a great moment for me to rewire my brain to think of this dip as an opportunity to grow. What can I learn from this? How I can progress from this?

So yes, I may have been triggered or maybe there are some intrusive thoughts that I am experiencing and obsessing about but again, this is a chance for me to grow.

I think my fear and guilt can hold me back at times but this is when I need to be bringing in that compassion towards myself and recognising that I am only human!

Tonight I’m going to take some baby steps with my partner and begin to try to be intimate again. Not too much all at once depending on how I feel, but enough to begin talking these fears and the avoidance that I am doing!

How exciting for me!

[honeywoodocd-blog]

12/10/19

Hello again, so today’s been up and down. I’ve definitely still been overthinking about what I believe are the “rights and wrongs” of a relationship and I think I have been spiralling a little.

I can recognise that this has started since I’ve been thinking about mine and my boyfriends sex life. I do still recognise that I cannot expect myself to be in a mood all the time for this, however, this makes me think that maybe I could be avoiding sex. I do not want to get back in the pattern of not being intimate with my partner through avoidance, however it’s a fine line!

I can’t expect too much of myself and I know I am still healing, I need to be focussing on myself some more I think and also working more on understanding why these things happen.

Right now I am grateful for the knowledge I have about ROCD and grateful for the partner I have. I know I am safe and I know I’m secure.

[honeywoodocd-blog]

12/10/19

Lately I have been experiencing some anxiety surrounding sex. I know theses stem from fear and guilt about not having had sex for awhile. I have the wisdom to see I am searching for my sex drive, that I am looking at my partner wondering what happened and also I can see myself beginning to avoid the act again.

My fear comes from thinking this means I do not love my partner, find him attractive or that our sex life is boring and I feel guilty for this.

In order to overcome this, I will have to continue leaning into the fear, I will need to acknowledge that right now, I am tired and do not feel like being physically intimate in that way and that this is okay. Lots of things effect your sex drive and if I do not want to have sex, that does not mean anything other then I don’t want to have sex.

[honeywoodocd-blog]

09/10/19

Hello! I’ve been having a good run and feel I have definitely been progressing and bringing some wisdom into my learning about healing

This evening I have been experiencing some anions thoughts about my sex life with my boyfriend. We haven’t been having sex as often and that does make feel experience anxieties about wether or not this means I find my partner attractive or if this means we don’t love each other. My partner made a comment about the fact we haven’t even really kissed as much

The reality is though, I’ve got a new job and am still trying to cope with this whilst also trying to cope with my anxiety and ROCD. I can see myself progressing all the time but I do need to give myself credit and know that love and sex do not go hand in hand and I should not force myself to be in a certain “mood” otherwise I will create more anxiety around this.

I am proud of my progress and I am proud of how far I have come :)

[honeywoodocd-blog]

01/10/19

So today has been a good day, it’s just been the evening that’s been difficult

I have felt myself feeling easily irritated and not present which has really been getting me down.

I am feeling guilt and fear over these feelings as I know I am perceiving them as a negative.

I know I must show myself compassion during this time and I can appreciate and understand that I am not going to feel happiness or love every minute of the day.

I am allowed to feel down, or irritated as I am only human and although I may not think I’m allowed to feel this way without a “cause”, I actually am allowed to feel this way.

I must show myself compassion during this time and appreciate that lately I have been going through a lot. For example, migraines, stress and even coming to that time of the month.

I know I’m a good person and even though I may not feel myself, it’s okay to feel this way and it’s normal!

[honeywoodocd-blog]

20/09/19

Self doubt and reflection is hard.

I still am working through the highs and the lows of being in a committed relationship and tbh I am experiencing these feelings of guilt and fear.

I feel guilt because I feel as if I am doing something wrong.

My boyfriend is great, what any person would want in a relationship and he is so good to me. So I suppose the guilt I feel stems from this sadness that I don’t still experience that love and connection with him at all times.

It’s sad and hard moving into a new phase of a relationship and it feels guilty to acknowledge that. But I know I have nothing to feel guilty about and that this is the normal process of being in a committed relationship. It’s almost like you are mourning those times you had.

However, what is positive is knowing that we are moving forward. What is positive is knowing that we are both committed and we want this relationship so we do make an effort.

I’m still in a transition period and it’s unrealistic to expect myself to be completely fine and instantly okay with it. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t meant to be together, it just means we are moving forward and it’s okay to be scared about that.

I’m going to continue to focus on the positive of my reflection and progress as well as lean in to this fear and anxiety and just trust that I am safe and that I am secure.

[honeywoodocd-blog]

13/09/19

Hello again,

I know I’ve already wrote a post but I really feel like I am struggling tonight.

I am experiecning a lot of anxiety which I think is stemming from fear?

I’m not really sure what else it can be.

I know that I am unsettled and feeling as if I am not safe or secure. But I know I am.

It’s difficult as we are staying in a small accommodation and I’m anxious about how this is going to effect everything else. For example, waking people up, people not understanding. But I know that these thoughts are just in my head and I am working myself up.

I know also that I am over stimulated and have not really had a moment to recharge by myself.

I am going to try to continue being in a room with everyone and just handling things to the best of my ability. I know it’s one night and I know no one will be mad at me.

I know I am safe and I know I am secure and it will be better tomorrow! Just have to keep going x

[honeywoodocd-blog]

13/09/19

Hello!

This weekend I am spending time away with my boyfriend, his mom and grandparents on a mini holiday.

Since arriving I am experiencing some anxiety as I am out of my routine and feeling unsettled. I know that I am safe and secure and am around people who love me

I do feel sick, but I know I will be fine and just have to carry on and lean into the anxiety and continue learning how to handle these feelings.

I know that I am feeling triggered but I am hoping this will be another chance for me to grow.

[honeywoodocd-blog]

03/09/19 🐶🐱

Hello!

I’m in lanzerote on holiday and I’m feeling okay.

I am experiencing feelings of guilt that I am here having a good time and my family, particularly my mom and dad are at home not on holiday.

I know that this is what happens in life and I know I shouldn’t deprive myself of having a good time just because they may be at work or stuck at home

I’m proud of myself for enjoying my time, and though I am feeling slight disappointment about feeling down, I know this will pass and I know I can speak to them whilst I am away

It’s felt good using this time to connect with Darren and I’m feeling safe and secure in my relationship because I know it is perfect for me x

[honeywoodocd-blog]

02/09/19🐶🐱

Today was a very positive day at work! I felt like I had accomplished something and tbh it wasn’t as daunting as I had thought.

Today on the way home I had an intrusive thought about being with my boyfriend for the rest of my life and I felt I spoke on anxiety and fear. At the time I acknowledged that this is a perfectly normal thought to have and most people in couples do. This does not mean I don’t love my boyfriend but instead know that this is normal! I am safe and secure in my relationship and I’m looking forward to going on holiday. I am worried that I won’t be present on holiday, however, I’m going to lean into this fear and lean into my anxieties during the holiday and just try to enjoy myself!

I do feel guilty about going on holiday, because my mom and dad can’t be there and they really do deserve it. I feel guilty for being happy, I feel guilty being able to spend my money and not struggle like they do. I appreciate that I am not responsible for my parents and I appreciate and acknowledge that I have done my best to help my parents over this past year.

I know I am safe, secure and that I have choices and I choose to enjoy my holiday whislt I can!

[honeywoodocd-blog]

01/09/19🐱

Today I spent the majority of the day with my boyfriends niece and nephew as they slept over ours last night.

I’ve felt very positive today and have really been looking forward to our holiday in just over a days time!

I’m feeling a little off atm, I feel slightly anxious, however, my brain really wants to search for the reason why but I know I don’t have a reason per say. I am reminding myself that I am safe and I am secure.

I am secure in my relationship that is perfect for me

I am safe because I am in a safe environment.

I must remind myself that I should not feel gugilty for the things I am able to do eg buying myself new clothes and going on holiday.

I cannot deprive myself just because I feel guilty.

I am grateful to have such positive relationships with everyone in my life. Writing this is still making me feel a slight spike, but I know this will not last forever, and potentially, this is hormonal based x

[honeywoodocd-blog]

30/08/19🐱

Today was a lot better then yesterday. I woke up feeling positive and happy, however, did feel a little fear about the idea of going to work but then some about coming home.

I know from previous experience that my hormones do affect my mood and my anxiety. So when I have those feelings I look for an answer. The truth is, there isn’t an answer. I’ve been doing great at my job, I’ve been communicating and spending time with my partner and have spent time with friends.

I’m looking forward to my holiday on Tuesday so I can get away from reality but if I do start comparing or feeling worried about my relationship, I know I have tools in place to help me along the way!

I’m so grateful for my mother for being my voice of reason, my partner for always being so understanding and finally for having an extended family that I enjoy being around x

[honeywoodocd-blog]

29/08/19🐱

Today has been long and I have been so tired that I found that I needed to bathe as soon as I got home to feel more human. A day of acting professional has made me feel exhausted haha.

I’m not feeling myself still, although I am not experiencing ROCD as intensely today, I can feel it sitting in my shoulder just waiting.

I’m trying my best to remain positive and to keep those affirmations going

1) I am powerful

2) I have a choice

3) change is good and so are relapses as they provide us with a chance to grow

Though no relationship is perfect, I have found one that is perfect for me. Today I am grateful that my partner is;

1) considerate of my rocky days

2) cooks me dinner

3) is thoughtful and caring

These aren’t about falling into compulsions but rather trying to change my mindset to a more positive one.

Though I may be experiencing anxiety and fear about my relationship and though this is a relapse. I also know that this is an opportunity to grow. Growing is scary and it is hard to push yourself and move on but by avoiding it and not doing these things then we can not learn.

This relapse is giving me the opportunity to learn balance between my work life, social life, romantic life and time with myself. It’s allowing me to learn to keep putting in the work to learn more about myself. It is also allowing me and Darren the chance to grow and develop a deeper sense of love. Finally, it’s teaching me to have more compassion and recognise that this isn’t the beginning again, and that I need this fall in order to get up again