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[hopefulcacophony]

Argh Tumblr ate my post

The gist of which is why are people so shit?

There’s a reason why I’m pretty much alone, even with the friends I have (don’t get me wrong, I love them dearly, sometimes more than I love myself). 

Maybe it’s time I loved myself more.

[hopefulcacophony]

I met an ex today for lunch. They are a twice ex, and were my first serious partner, we've known each other over 35 years... A friend asked if I was considering a third round... Definitely not, they are the wrong gender now for a start 😂.

But more that after the first time, I thought we'd been the right people at the wrong time, I still think we're the right person for each other, it's just not in this universe. I love him, always, not in love, do not want. He's, oddly, if you knew him, a great comfort, and the person I am most relaxed and myself around. And he reminds me of that daring, wild girl, who danced all night long, and laughed way more than I do now.

[hopefulcacophony]

Many years ago, a friend who was living far away was having a stressy time. We were maintaining a pen pal friendship at the time, a few calls, pre cell phones and paid minutes. So I sent her a packet of balloons in a card in which I wrote only "You know what to do".

Her next letter began, "I blew up those balloons and stomped on them like you suggested, it was a great stress buster". At the time, it was funny because we knew each other so well, I hadn't had to say, she got it.

Now, if I met her, I have no idea what I'd even say to her.

Life is funny.

[hopefulcacophony]

I feel like the worst human on the planet.

[hopefulcacophony]

So no matter that you're there for everyone else, when you have a crisis, everyone is asleep or busy.

[hopefulcacophony]

I have to say. I'm scared to go to sleep. What if, when I wake up, I don't feel like this? What if I do?

How do you go on if this is all there is?

[hopefulcacophony]

Where do I start?

How do I start?

I am enough.

Me.

In this moment, whether it lasts,. I am enough.

[hopefulcacophony]

Sometimes you break your own heart

[hopefulcacophony]

Everyone is involved or asleep

Tonight by bff (37f) was telling me how amazing I (54f) am, and how she always wanted me by her side as her partner, advisor, confident.. and other stuff, but as she said it she put first one hand then the other on my face, then she kissed me on the mouth, and then everything went back to normal, and I dunno wtf to think.

We were both a bit drunk. We've joked about us in the past and she'd said if anything happened were good enough friends we'd be fine, but my take is that, I don't do casual so no matter what I'm her friend as she's too important to mess with, but I never really gave it any real thought. I'd put it down to an emotional drunken kiss, but she did it once before, also drunk.

I'm so confused.

[hopefulcacophony]

Merry fecking Christmas.

Friend has been daily testing. Tested negative on Friday before we met for dinner. Tested positive today. I was having such a nice day.

I've been so fucking careful, basically seeing 2 people for the last 2 years, apart from a family bereavement a year ago, and even then only when we were allowed. I mask up when outside, I test every few days, and I literally go out maybe once a fortnight to an outdoor market when I'm able. I'm due my booster in 6 days, I've had 2 shots... I feel sooo bad as I saw the other person I've been seeing today. I know that my chances are low of having caught it, but I now have to tell my friend that she has maybe been exposed, on Christmas day. I feel like the Grinch.

[hopefulcacophony]

Dear Brane,

Telling me I am anxious when I am just sodding hungry is a dirty trick.

No love,

Me

[hopefulcacophony]

When social anxiety makes you babble and not listen. Then other person makes you feel like a total asshole, so you have a panic attack and run away..

[hopefulcacophony]

Parents

Some people lift their parents on to pedestals, which is OK as a child, you don't know any better. That's not to say that some don't deserve their elevated status, however, their awesomeness is innate, and has no relationship to the fact that they are parents.

Pretty much anyone can get pregnant/get someone pregnant. This doesn't make them good parents. Many parents adopt... gain children in whatever way, ivf, surrogacy, fostering, marriage.... still doesn't make them good at it.

It's fine not to like your parents, it's fine to still love them if you don't like them, it's fine to not love them too.... family are people. They are flawed, they can suck, they can be awesome.

Work towards working out who/what they are to you, accept your feelings about them, know it's OK to not want them around. Do not feel guilty for not accepting shitty people in your life. Choose your family, some of them aren't blood related, but they love you unconditionally anyway.

[hopefulcacophony]

I hadn't picked up a pencil to seriously draw in 20 years.

[hopefulcacophony]

Memories are a form of time travel.

As I bake, I am back in the kitchen with my grandma. She sends me to the fridge to get the hard block of Stork margarine to make scones, she cuts it and weighs it, it's exactly the right weight. "Guid guessers niver marry", she giggles (she'd been married since 1941).

She brings the bowl of flour over, there's an egg in it... she takes her metal table spoon and pretends to break the 'egg', it was just an impression made in the flour with that same metal spoon. More giggling.

We take turns rubbing the fat into the flour, we add the sugar, again with the guessing via her trusty tablespoon, and getting it right. We add a real egg, I go to get the milk, we add enough to to make the dough the correct consistency... I flour the bunker (worktop to you), we knead the dough, she helps me roll it out and let's me cut out the scones. The last bits made into a big one.

Placed on the baking sheet, glossy and brushed with egg, she slides them into the oven. We wait, the whole house smells divine.

She tests the scones by tapping their bottoms and as they cool, she splits the big scone, slathers it in butter.. 'Cooks treat', she says conspiratorially, as we share the hot buttered love.

[hopefulcacophony]

What don't you have?

Today, at 53, with actual diagnoses from actual doctors...

I have fibromyalgia, I'm have issues due to my hypermobility. I have a lot of allergies, sun, red wine, some pollens, plus. I am wheat intolerant (as are other people in my family), recent dairy has been causing issues (neice is wheat and dairy I tolerant). I have anxiety and depression.

My step mother made me feel like a hypochondriac, like she felt I was making stuff up, by asking me what don't you have.

All I could say was I wish my life was different, believe me.

#amImakingitup

[hopefulcacophony]

I'm having a day of feeling underappreciated/restless/kinda sad.

I also had a mini-migraine due to the weather, so I know my brain is off....

There's either something wrong with people, or something wrong with me... today I feel it must be me.

I'm not super weird, I'm open, honest, nonjudgy.... I'm not totally horrific to look at. So this woman messaged me, I chatted, she wasn't that talkative, which was odd, given she approached me.. then nothing nada. Not the first time either, and I just don't get it. To be clear, I get maybe I was't what they expected, what I don't get is the disappearing act. I've been there, I always just tell the person, I have friends who were that person, I'm the person they've said it to... I'm fine with that. I just hate feeling that I did or said something that offended or was so off and maybe I didn't see it.....

Why are people so peopley? Are there any nice, less peopley people out there? If so, can has plz?