hopefullyanonymous

[hopefullyanonymous]

JRS

dude. how the fuck am i at this fucking point right now. HOW IN THE WORLD DID I GET TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE?????

god i like him so much. like fuuuuuuck i really really like him so so much. my skin is fucking crawling from how much i miss feeling him. and my body is aching for him. and it’s only been 2 days since i saw him. not even a full 48 hours. but i can’t stop fucking thinking about him and i can’t fucking stop wanting to be tangled up in bed with him having him all around me. feeling him, touching him, kissing him, tasting him. having him on top of me filling me up and making me feel so just complete and whole. 

i fucked up dude. i really fucked up. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

Things to remember

- that time you woke up in his bed spooning, with him squeezing every part of you and repeatedly whispering “mine” each time.

- how when hes holding you and kissing you and running his hands all over you, he tells you how hes crazy about you, needs you, can’t stop thinking about you. how he’s obsessed with you. how he can never get enough of you. 

- that time when he was pressing you up against his wall, making your heart race and your body fill with warmth and forcing you to moan and gasp. when he asked you which noises were only for him. which ones he brought out of you. 

- when he tells you he’s yours, and how hot it gets him when you make him tell you that  

- that time when you were in bed with him, had already been fucking all night, and he was being fucking filthy and telling you how many other girls would beg him to cum inside them, how lucky i was for being the one to get it. and how you just got so fucking hot and bothered from him being such a cocky fucker. how absolutely true what everything he said was. and then how after he came inside you and filled you up so nicely, you were still just so fucking turned on that you needed to rub your pussy and feel his cum inside you. how you started touching yourself using his fucking jizz as lube and he stayed on top of you and told you what a fucking slut you were for getting so turned on by that and how much he wanted you to cum for him. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

last night ramblings

hi tumblr diary

so its june 22. i start residency literally next week. just had my BLS recertification course today where i met a whole bunch of my co-residents! very cool, something i had been looking forward to for a while. everyone was a lot cooler than initially anticipated. we all went to millers after the course to get some drinks and get to know each other a little better. and it was fun i guess, like everyone seemed nice. very superficial conversation and obviously its gonna take a little while to become close to anyone. i am hopeful but not entirely optimistic. 

but now im here in bed, just like....idk. feeling meh, feeling blah. nothing excites me. i’m wondering more and more if i just happen to have a whole ton of symptoms of Borderline personality disorder lol. the constant emotional lability, the splitting, the feeling of emptiness. but i dont have violent crazy relationships or anything close to a history of self harm. but i definitely sometimes feel like something isn’t right. 

idk if i should maybe start talking to someone. to get it all out of my head. this helps a lot, like typing in this diary. but idk if having a person to listen to me would help even more. i feel on edge and angry and ready to snap at every moment. and i’ve started to lose my sense of even caring about it. 

i was thinking about how i feel like i am lacking in my relationships, and i think i’ve realized that i have barely any friends who i feel have unconditional feelings of care towards me. gwen only hangs out with me cause im single and fun with her, rachael talks to me when she has no one else and because shes a mooch. yas is my friend but i feel like she would turn on me given the chance, chandni is a good friend but she also mainly talks to me to talk about devon, mike keeps me around for god knows what reason but its definitely not due to unconfitional love. ‘

and speaking of mike.....like ugh. still a fucking clusterfuck. hes in boston now for his TY year. and things with us are just like fucking bland. i literally do not give a shit anymore. like when i say this, i LITERALLY mean this. my body cannot muster up the fucking ENERGY to give a shit about anything with him anymore. like im just fucking over it all. absolutely over it. being mad at him does nothing, being happy with him does nothing. he’s just a fucking waste of space it feels like right now. so just....”there”. do you know what i mean? he doesnt take charge or do anything. hes so content in just keeping things as they are and not rocking the boat and not talking about anything and just going with the flow and not causing issues and its fucking boring and old and not fucking cutting it. i visited him last week and was just very unimpressed by the whole thing. i dont feel close to him, i dont feel happy around him. seeing him didn’t bring butterflies to my stomach. i was SO absoluetly NOT WANTING to kiss him or touch him or do anything physical with him. like wow the THOUGHT of having sex with him was making me physically recoil from him. that has literally never happened with me before with him. it almost in a way reminds me of me with soorena. when i was just fucking OVER IT and not wanting to do ANYTHING with him. 

i dont know what to think dude. i truly dont know if im being the biggest fucking naive person ever and not just seeing right in front of my face that he does not give 2 shits about me. or if hes just really that fucking bad at this shit lol. like he put in literally almost 0 effort in trying to see me or hang out with me or make any kind of plans for us during the fucking over 1 month vacation that we both had. 

god i just feel so jaded about everyone and everything. what is the fucking point about caring about anyone? no one sticks around. no one actually gives a fuck about anyone except themselves. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

Vacation

Okay. need to put all the stuff i can remember about my fucking VACATION with josh before it all goes away. it’s crazy, i’ve had so many memories with him now they’re all bluring together. it’s no longer this sizzling hot single moment that i have to keep in my head forever. it’s a series of many many hot fucking wonderful memories that just fill me up with warmth and happiness. 

so anyway. I went on vacation to san diego 2 weeks ago. met up with college friends and adam and whatnot. super fun. but then the last 3 days of my trip i dedicated to josh. that sunday i rented a car and drove out to utah to see him, where he was camping for a portion of his cross country america trip. let me just put as a side note, that he had been asking me for weeks and weeks and weeks to be able to meet up with him camping. would consistently tell me how he wanted to make love to me under the fucking stars. be alone with me in nature, in the darkness, wrapped up in each other and letting me see the beautiful view. and i mean obviously i wanted this too. obviously it made me fucking deliriously crazy happy and awed and just filled with disbelief when he would say these things. so i made sure i would be able to do it. i was a bit hesitant to drive the fucking 7 hours (9 if you count the stops i made) just to hang out with him, but god looking back i am so so so so glad i did. ugh. 

so yea, i arrive. we meet up at this beautiful mesa in Virgin, Utah, not too far from the zion park. and my god what a view. i’ve never been any type of camping before, but when he invited me out i was imagining trees and woods and being deep within wilderness. but this was great giant openness. this huge stretch of land that belonged to some super rich guy who rented out parts of it to campers. so we had this beautiful scenery around us of deep red mountains, grassy hills, the sun and sky. such openness that if i looked straight up i wouldnt see anything else but the stars. reminded me a bit of horse barn hill. where every spot of your vision was the sky, no trees or buildings or anything to block it. there were a handful of other campers but we were pretty much secluded. set up our tent, fixed up a fire, roasted some hot dogs and marshmallows. it was such a wonderfully fun and peaceful event. i won’t pretend everything was sunshine and roses. there was a little bit of annoyance on his end at first since i didn’t bring a sleeping pad with me and because hes a big baby. but we eventually moved passed it. also not gonna lie, i was super nervous at first. like so nervous. i wanted to make a good impression, i wanted us to have a good time together, and i wanted him to like me. so i felt...uncomfortable? uncertain? a bit at first. but once we got into the swing of things it was really just amazing. 

i remember the first time we had sex, we were sitting by the fire, close to each other, and i started talking about i dont remember about what. while im speaking, he just leans in and starts kissing me. and i couldnt hold back because i just wanted it so badly. so we start making out, then head to the tent, and ugh it was just as good as he said it’d be. i had to be a little quiet because there were technically people around. but fuck i didnt care. and he only half heartedly tried to cover my mouth. ugh i wish i could remember smaller details of the night. honestly i dont even remember if we fucked once or twice. but i remember him saying all these things to me. ugh all these things. how much he missed me, how he can’t stop thinking about me, how much he wanted to see me and happy he was i came. how he can’t get enough of me. how perfect i am. ugh. this dude just knows everything to say. 

so yea, sex was obviously great. then we go out and hang by the fire some more. drink some beers, roast hot dogs. chat about ourselves and our lives. hes constantly making little comments that allude to how close we are. how i guess important(?) i am to him? but not overtly, just small little things. like when we were fighting, mentioning how its a testament to how comfortable and close he is with me since he never feels comfortable getting annoyed with people. how im the only person he asked to come and join him on his trip. idk. these types of comments happened along the course of the few days, so im not putting them in the right order. but you get the picture. 

so anyway. pretty late at night after the fire is pretty much dead, we head back to bed. and i genuinely cant remember if we fucked again or just went to sleep. i think we MUST have fucked again, but i truly don’t know for sure. but anyway, we go to sleep. halfway through the night he lets me switch places with him (since i didnt have my sleeping pad lol) and hes just a fucking sweety. the next morning it’s HOT. and i feel gross and unkept and sweaty. so i just take his clothes off and suck his dick. or really, i watched him stroke his cock and then sucked on the head of his cock until he came and swallowed it down. he’s honestly fucking gorgeous. i sitll remember him all splayed out in the sunlight, naked and beautiful. 

but we had hiking to do! so we couldn’t stay there forever. so we got up, got dressed, made some quick breakfast that consisted of eggs, hot dogs, and mashed potatoes (actually fucking delicious not gonna lie). had some coffee. and then packed up all our camping supplies and headed over to the park to begin our day of adventure. 

i’ll fast forward a little because the next portion of time just consisted of parking our cars, filling up water bottles, and figuring out which trail to go on. Once we decided on the over view, we hopped on the shuttle to its entrance. now, our day of hiking was overall truly amazing. the mountain was steep as fuck at first and i was concerned that i was gonna look bad since i was panting my way through it. but we made many stops in the shade, drank water, had snacks. and the trail wasn’t very crowded so we had so much time alone. and it was so amazing, truly. like...this was the first time we really HUNG OUT. like talked and joked and played around for hours. it was just so fun! honestly. we talked about so many things, i cant even remember. like his exes, my exes, tv shows, family, friends. we had a whole conversation about how nick rifken thought i was flirting with him (whoops) which was honestly pretty funny. josh doesn’t get jealous like that regardless so he wasn’t mad or anything. but i do kind of think it bothered him just a little hehe. anyway. the whole day was so much fun. so beautiful. the views and the rocks and the cnayons and everything. we took a bunch of photos (none together), and it was just great. we never reached the peak, however, because i got way too scared when we were at the way tippy top. the trail was so small and rocky and it was so windy i was afraid i’d be blown away. but josh was so sweet about it all, helping me and holding my hand and trying to make me feel safe. he didn’t mind turning aroudn before we reached the top. and it was just really nice. 

then we come down the mountain, and just a small way before reaching the bottom we run into 3 people, 1 of which is a man sprawled out on the ground panting heavily. josh, being who he is, stops and asks if they’re okay. we come to find out that this man is experiencing muscle cramps throughtou his whole body and has been for hours, help has been sought out after multiple times but no one had come yet. he couldn’t stand let alone walk and was stuck on the trail. so we, being medical professionals, stopped and helped. i gave them all our water and whatever electrolyte replenishing hiker snacks we had. and josh was just fucking PHENOMENAL. like fuck. a huge fucking BLAST TO THE FACE reminder of why i am so so so obsessed with him. he just swooped in, confident and calm and funny and leading everyone. he was helping with massaging the guys muscles, directing what to do, finding out information about everyone, keeping the laughs and atmosphere lighthearted. ugh he was just amazinggggggggggg. we stayed until 10 pm (a couple hours), and made sure the guy got walking and was safe to go home. we befriended the people who were also there helping out (erik, derrick, and janet). and had some nice conversations with them until then retiring to a hotel room. lol didn’t want to camp the second night and it was a good thing since we weren’t free until it was very dark already. 

in the hotel, we ate a bunch of food i got at 7/11 (nothing else in virgin, Utah was open after 11 lol). showered together (with just a tiny bit of him bending me over and fucking me), and then passed the fuck out. while we were cuddling to go to bed, josh was saying how that place was where he was meant to be, like cuddling with me in bed. and my heart was just fucking soaring. 

the next morning, we fucked in the bed nice and dirty. then cleaned up, packed up, and headed to a restaurant near the park to get some lunch before one last hike before i had to leave. this time we did something small, just the beginning of the narrows. but this was truly just a fun fucking time with each other. like constant joking around, clowning, roasting. it was fucking amazing, i was dying of laughter constantly. and he kept asking me to extend my trip, stay with him longer. to figure out a way to return my car later or move my flight. ugh. and when i did finally leave (hours later than i should have lol) we were just kissing and being a bit cute before we had to part ways. i ended up driving straight to the SD airport and making it just on time to drop off my car and head over to board my flight lmfao. 

ugh. would do again in a FUCKING HEART BEAT. SOOOOO much fucking fun :))))))))))))))))

[hopefullyanonymous]

5/9/18

so just thought id put in little memories about josh and our shenanigans so i can’t forget them.

last night i went to his apartment in nyc. he just moved in a couple days ago, i made him promise me that id be the first girl he fucked there. so i went over at night after my brothers bday, and ughhhh. i dont think we even got 3 hours of sleep. 

i arrived, got a little tour, we drank some wine, and then while he was talking i leaned in and kissed him, and then suddenly he was everywhere. we were up against the wall for a bit, doing our usual teasing and taunting and kissing just everywhere. then he took me over to his kitchen counter and started fucking me just a little bit. ugh with me sitting up on it and him just right fucking there. faces so close to each other, kissing and licking and panting on each other. and he’s just fucking me so close and deep and slow and im just relishing in the feeling of having him fill me up after so long. and then after a little, after hes done telling me how obsessed he is with me, how beautiful i look, how hes been fantasizing about fucking me there for weeks, what a little slut i am for letting him, he pulls himself out and starts going down on me. and fuck this guy....is just a fucking expert on eating a pussy. like ive never cum so hard and so long and so repeatedly from being eaten than with this fucking guy. ugh and its so good, and hes just down there for a while, does not give a fuck how long it takes. and i cum, and its so good and strong and spreads through every inch of me. 

then we move to the bed. and i get on top of him. tease him. tell him how i own his cock. ask him who else fucks him like me, who else makes him cum so hard, who else does he go into the city for just to fuck. and we’re teasing, and im sliding him in and out a little. just teasing him and feeling him and feeling so so good. and then he flips me over, and starts fucking me for a bit. and continuing with the teasing and dirty talk and hes fucking filling me up and pounding me so good. then he gets out, climbs on top of me, and has me suck his cock while he plays with my pussy, and has me rub my clit too. ugh and it was going so good. so hot. until i got a charlie horse lol. but it was fine, small detour, he helped me through it and was being super cute. then we fucked again until he came inside me. 

ugh. i can’t go through each encounter because i cant remember them all because we literally fucked 6 times throughout the night and morning. i arrived at 1130 PM, and left at 230 the next day. we literally fucked until 4 AM, and then slept until 730, moved our cars, came back and fucked 3 more times. i fucking milked his cock absolutely dry. and he told me hes never been able to do that before. ugh. i make his cock fucking crazy hard for me whenever im around him. and its just the fucking besttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

currently in my bed wearing his shirt and reminiscing. the 2nd time we fucked was really really intense. missionary, with our arms and legs wrapped around each other. kissing deeply and rubbing our mouths on each other and licking our necks. i love when he tells me he owns me, and i had him tell me he was mine. and ugh. it was so fucking sexy. i could seriously just sit there making out with him and do nothing else and id be fucking sexually fulfilled. i can’t even imagine people saying that missionary sex can’t be fucking fire because i think its my fucking favorite now. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

sexy sexy sex

hi tumblr diary. so. i re-read the last post i made below, and am a little surprised at all the negativity i was apparently experiencing at the time. i dont really look back on that time period as one of anger, so maybe i was just having an emotional day or something lol. 

anyway, quick update then onto the goal of this post. 

its april, of 4th year. going to graduate in june, matched into my #1 residency spot at hackensack hospital for IM. and i couldn’t be fucking happier or more relived and looking forward to the future in my fucking life. all the hard work and stress and absolute craziness of the last 4 years has finally amounted to something great. and im so so so excited and just...blissful about it all. had my last clinical rotation last week, so now im just hanging out until july 1 pretty much. what an amazing feeling. 

but anyway. the reason im writing in you, tumblr diary, is because of one joshua rodriguez srednicki. the guy who i mentioned in the other post, but who definitely does not deserve the absolute IRE and maliciousness that i sent at him. he is.....fucking great lol. fuck. so i never really wrote in you who exactly he is tumblr diary. josh rodriguez srednicki is the guy who i never in my life thought id have a chance with. or anything. i thought he was in an orbit that would just never intersect with mine. in highschool he was that older hot guy who i never thought would know my name. and now.....now he can’t fucking get enough of me. 

we met at my high school reunion. he was on a date with another girl in my class who brought him along. and i stole him away haha. i still look back on that event and think of all the ways it could have gone differently. I didnt even wanna go! i almost DIDNT go because i didn’t want to see people and talk about SGU and all that shit. and honestly if he hadn’t been there i wouldn’t have really had THAT good of a time. but whatever, he was, and he became the fucking highlight and goal of the night. and apparently i made quite an impression on him because he couldnt fucking keep away from me either. and so whatever, information was exchanged, we went on a couple dates, and had this just explosive fucking chemistry. at least in terms of raw physical attraction and lust. like fuck, we were just really fucking into each other. the first time we had sex was insanity. leading to more sex and more obsession. 

that was like a little more than 2 years ago now. so...quite a while to still be fucking around. but we are. haha. and now...in this time period...like wow. ever since november of 2017, we’ve been like....really a lot lol. a lot of talking a lot of fucking a lot of just really hot hot shit. we talk almost every day now. and the sex we have is just...fucking consuming. it fills up every part of me. i can’t stop thinking about him ever during the day. im just obsessed in the truest definition of the word. because when he is with me, when he’s touching me and kissing me and making me so warm inside...he’s doing it to my body and my mind and fucking everything inbetween. like he’s so with me, always there. i feel so close and connected to him its fucking nuts. no other guy has been able to do what he does to me. im not sure if this has a lot to do with how obsessed i was with him in highschool, but hes just so unique in bed that i feel like even if i didn’t know him from before i’d be this obsessed with him. it’s just fucking 100x stronger because i already had such a big crush. 

ugh like his body....fuck. he’s so fucking attractive. so sexy. strong and defined and his face is just gorgeous. in the past i’d get uncomfortable looking at him for too long because i was so attracted to him. i’d get nervous. but now i’m comfortable. now i fucking relish in the heat he brings me. it makes me wanna bring my face over and bite him. grab him and pull him into me. 

and he seems to be just as if not more into me. which is just insanity to meeeee. like pure insanity. i dont know how i got here! i was the shy awkward disheveled girl. my hair is frizzy, my eyebrows and out of control, and i have hair everywhere. my hips are super wide, my chest is too small, my nose is too big. i have so many insecurities and things i focus on everyday that are wrong with me. and yet somehow this fucking beautiful creature of a man thinks im one of the sexiest girls he’s ever been with. he is fucking obsessed with me and my body. he has never been so fucking into a girl. he has literally told me more than once that he wants to drink my bath water. like what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

ugh like i get it though. because the way we are together is fucking intense. it’s just...a lot. i dont have the right words to describe it. so much fire, passion, lust. so much energy. we’re so into it with each other. a lot of talking, telling, touching and grabbing and hitting. he can get really rough with me. which i love and reciprocate right back. but he also gets so fucking gentle and soft. he’ll get on top of me and wrap his arms around me pulling me in so close and just fucking fuck me so slow and deep. and we’ll kiss so softly and lightly and ugh his mouth is so soft and nice to kiss. ill feel his lips on mine and lightly lick them, draw out his tongue. nibble on his face. move my way down his neck and shoulders and give him long wet licks to taste his skin. wrap my arms around his back and dig my nails into him. press his hips into me so i can get him even deeper inside me. fuck. every little inch of us is touching, legs twined together. and he’s filling me up and stretching me out and making me feel so so so so good. and he’ll sometimes put his hands around my neck. or give me a couple of light slaps. or tell me what a little slut i am, tell me im his little slut, tell me he owns every inch of me. and fuck he does. ugh he fucking does. nothing gets me more turned on than when he tells me he owns me. 

and he tells his friends about me. about us. how obsessed we are. it’s definitely not a “normal” relationship in any sense of the word. but it’s our incredibly sexy one. cause im not trying to date him, he’s not trying to date me, but we have such hot crazy sex that we both want to take advantage of for as long as possible. i’ve hung out with him and nick rifken (another kid from our highschool who everyone was also crushing on. SO FUCKING CRAZY TO BE WITH THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIMEEEEEEE) i’ve visited him in providence. he’s come to my house before (when my parents were gone obvi). he wants me to join him on a part of his USA road trip. he constnatly was inviting me to join him on his interview trails. yes, almot all of these things had a sexual intent behind them. but im just trying to explain the depth of the obsession. it’s really quite awesome. and he’s going to be in NYC for residency. so like. ugh. it’s going to be an interesting year to say the least. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

update of updates

hi anonymous diary. so much to write, and im going to fucking force myself to get it all out. i wish i had some wine or something with me, maybe a little weed, but its 2 AM and im just in a weird spot right now and need to get it out. 

lets do a quick recap: 4th year of med school, november, in the middle of ERAS shit, currently ~*single*~, fucking joshua rodriguez srednicki (and hes like obsessed with fucking me apparently[still in disbelief]), still in the weird ass “grey zone” with mike, trying to cut soorena out. living in the fucking moment with excessive instant gratification. not thinking about long term consequences, not having any fucking security blanket, just fucking LIVING. 

when did everything become so different? i can’t tell if i feel this way about everyone because ive finally awoken or if this was a gradual change that slowly permeated its way through my life. everyones so different, i dont feel like i have that solid security of friendships. the friends i have....annoy me lol. like a lot of the itme at least. theres so much disingenuinity.  maybe i sound silly, idk. but something just doesnt feel right. i feel restless and stuck and as if im not in the place im supposed to be. life is just...passing by. i dont have that passion or spark or excitement for it. everyone in my life has become in some way a disappointment. and ive lost the love. so fucking jaded, but from what?

i just dont see the point to anything anymore. whats the big purpose behind it all? and i know, cliche (???) i guess??? but i guess the reason its so overdone is because its such a strong thought process for humans to go through as we get older. its one of starlings life phases or whatever. im trying to find meaning in my life. i think i used to put a lot of that into my love life. even when i was younger i was OBSESSED with one day getting boyfriend, married, experiencing all the amazing things that come with romance. and then i experienced them and all of them were disappointing. maybe thats whats wrong? lol. i dont have that romantic spark in my life? 

i think the whole josh thing affected me a lot deeper than i ever expected it would. like more than i consciously realize. i just had placed him on such a pedestal. like my god. he was my “perfect guy”. PERFECT. i always thought he was the ultimate fucking goal in men. and then.....hes just..not good. hes not good. and ive allowed him to stain me. to turn me into something that i never ever ever thought id be or wanted to be. i am an actress on stage performing for him. i am reciting monologues of women ive never known. and hes just....so fucked up? i thought he was supposed to be true and good and his heart was pure. but hes awful. i mean, i know its not his fault. no one is perfect. and i shouldnt have assumed he would be. but his moral compass...just doesnt seem to really exist too much in terms of romantic interests. maybe its from his parents divorce? or whatever happened? maybe its because he was in a 5 year relationship that ended v badly and he hasnt recovered from that loss yet. idk. but i just have such a low opinion of him due to this. 

he cheated on his girlfriend with me. more than once. both physically and through texts. he lied to me, showed me this false side of him. made me think what i wanted to think so he could fuck me with no hesitations on my side. like, what a fucking asshole. 

at first it made me feel so...special i guess. so flattered and honored and pretty hot really. i’ve loved this kid since i was 14. literally for over a decade now. and to know that i made such an impact on him, that i wasn’t forgettable...meant so fucking much. i dont know if thats just naivety on my part, but i know how easy it can be to cut people out of your life. to just forget about them. especially for people liek josh, who probably have a million girls following and wanting him (just add me to the top of that list...). like it felt so good to know that he couldnt get enough of me. but how real was that anyway???? like really though. what if he’s just sprouting lies to me to get me to stick around and fuck him, just like hes’ done. i mean he lied to me about marcella, he has lied to me about other things. like hes not really someone who is apparently honest and willing to take the chance of you not sticking around as long as you knew the truth. 

ugh and mike. MIKE. what to do about mike.....such a complication. he’s there, but not. and what do we do in the meantime? do i just keep myself in this fucking weird ass limbo where i get semi-close but not too much? and go fucking crazy over thinking everything he does and who he hangs out with and where he goes? i dont even feel like that spark or passion for him anymore. like to think about seeing him...it doesnt fill me with happiness and excitement. its not even that big of a deal. i feel stronger about being able to fuck josh than i do about visiting mike. like thats not really good right? 

[hopefullyanonymous]

A Doozy

Hi tumblr diary. I have a something veyr important to update you on. 

so.............i broke up with mike. 

yea, i know. WHAT?! yea. this happened in february of this year. so by now, 6 months ago. damn. 

to accurately sum it up, here is a reddit post i made several weeks ago: 

i am so unbelievably happy that i broke up with you. like, WEIRDLY so. i never thought i would have the courage to do it. i always felt like i needed to chase you to convince you to love me to PROVE TO YOU that i was worthy of you. how did you ever do that to me? how did you ever delude me with this mindset?

before you i used to think i was strong and independent and would never let a man do the things you did or treat me the way you did. i never felt good enough for you. you never allowed me to feel comfortable or secure in the relationship. you took me for granted, you took my love for you for granted, and you used my kindness and affection until it was all dried up.

i think of some of the things that happened and i want to scream at you and yell and tell you how much better off i am now without you. how glad i am that you're out of my life. but then i remember i already ended it. i already did the biggest step to show you i'm done with you. and i have to remember that yelling at you wont fix the past, but keeping away from you will brighten my future.

ive met someone who loves me so much, who is so good to me who cares for me who shows it willingly and plentifully without me having to force it or ask for it or convince myself im okay without it. he has shown me more care in the short amount of time i've been with him than you showed me for almost 3 years. i experience this happiness with him and i wonder how i ever even for a second thought that you could be enough for me. that i could have ever really been fully satisfied with you.

[hopefullyanonymous]

WHY AM I BACK AT THIS PLACE

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

like, venting in this thing only SLIGHTLY works to relieve the anxiousness and unease i feel. SLIGHTLY. it helps, but not really enough. but its all i really have right now. 

mike is at a party at uconn. having fun, making friends, getting drunk. and im in my room in freaking grenada tucked in and ready for bed. 

i just feel so.....forgotten. 

like all my "friends" except for yas REALLY have basically said PEACEEE and have barely spoken to me. i thought i had a pretty decent network of people to talk to and rely on but i guess i was pretty wrong. 

mike is all concerned about his new med school friends and trying to be a cool guy so he's no help at all. my home friends are busy with work and trying to act like adults by going out to clubs and fucking random guys. my college friends are all doing their own thing, we've been pretty separated anyway. my CLOSE college friends are just..idk. im gonna skype with hiba tomorrow, but thats pretty much it. and here? well....i mean my roommates are super nice and easy to get along with but theyre just SUPER DIFFERENT from me. i just...i can study with them but thats really it. they dont drink, they dont go out. like theyre SO BORING idk how they dont feel suffocated being in their room every freaking night doing work. i need to get out once in a while and spread my wings. one is 27 and feels old, the other has a 6 year relationship that shes SUPERRRR serious about so she would prefer to be in her room skyping him than doing something fun. 

i haven't been super successful meeting people here, idk. no one on my floor ever came around to like introduce themselves. i never did it either but like, idk i thought someone else would maybe. i had a persian meeting thing today which was fun, but they like never do events so i dont think im going to be seeing them that often at all. i would love to become closer with some of the girls there so id have people to hang out with for chill fun time, but idk they already knew each other from before st george so i feel like they kind of have their little group. ughhhhh. im messaging lindseys big lol who also goes here so maybe she'll be super nice and fun and invite me out sometime. 

it's just...really hard to be in this super new place, i mean its a motherfucking other country for god sakes, and not really know anyone well or be super close with people, have a shitload of work dumped on my everyday, not really feel like i have a super strong support system back home, and just feel like no one gives a fuck about me. like i know i complain a lot about mike here, but this especially applies to mike. i feel like AS SOON AS ANYONE started talking to him, he was like "okay bye lily" and just fucking skipped. like dude, i went out a good amount in college, i was going to the bars and hanging out with friends and having a good time but i still managed to SOMEHOW squeeze him into my fucking life. im the one in a new country! im the one going through this enormous fucking life change! i just feel like he doesnt give a flying fuck. like im #100000 on his list of things to be concerned about in his world. 

like jesus, the other week i had been telling him every day how i like wasn't really meeting a lot of people, my roommates were a little weird, and just generally gave the impression i wasn't super happy and adjusted yet. i asked to skype with him, but i couldnt do it until later at night because i had to go to dinner with my mom, and he agreed and it was all good. he was going out that night but he made it seem like itd be fine to skype. so we plan for 1 am. 

12:50ish i text him asking if he was near home or like close to leaving soon, not in a "go home now" way, but like "do you think youll be back by 1?" way. nice and non-controlling. he says to make it 1:30, and im like okay thats fine. i did have to get up at 8am the next day, but basically i really wanted to talk to him and thought itd be worth it. 

so 1:40ish he comes online, good to go. it's soon abundantly clear that hes fucking drunk as fuck, he's acting like an annoying dick, and literally like 20 minutes into our "conversation" he hears people come inside his house downstairs and leaves the skype session to go check it out. 

i was legitimately pissed and fucking sad as fuck man. i had really been looking forward to talking to him, and had really wanted to for a few days. and then he not only left it to go see other people that he doesnt even fucking know, but was fucking wasted and i could barely speak to him. 

its just a lot of stuff to have to deal with that im having a bit of a trouble doing. i just really wish i had someone i could truly lean on for support and i honestly dont feel like i have that right now. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

Letter to the Editor

Sometimes I get so fucking mad at you. literally sit around for hours just thinking about everything that happened, how much i hate youm and how much i wish i had handled things differently. you fucking humiliated me. no one has ever embarrassed me as much as you. i think back at how fucking naie and STUPID I WAS and i fucking hate myself. i wish i could go back in time so badly and just do so many things differently. all the signs were there. everything. and i chose to ignore it all. i was so fucking weak. 

i have such difficulty trusting you. i cant allow myself to think that everything is fine. i cant let what happened last time happen again. because if i do forgive you fully and say it's all good, and i find out again that i was fucking wrong again. i just wouldn't be able to handle something like that. 

you're so fucking selfish sometimes. to the point where i want to fucking strangle you. 

ALSO

you never ask me questions about my life. we go DAYS WITHOUT HAVING A REAL CONVERSATION. JUST BACK AND FORTH ON JOKES. YOU JUST SAYING TEEP TEEP LILYRABBIT BLAH BLAH DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE WE ARE COMMUNICATING PROPERLY 

[hopefullyanonymous]

other things that bother me

you're like extremely unsupportive for many things. you show jealously and contempt rather than happiness for me. 

examples:

-my birthday, not only do you seem so fucking UNEXCITED to celebrate with me, you're being a complete buzzkill to everyone else! like jesus dude, my entire group of friends is singing to me and they baked me a fucking cake, and youre sitting on the couch like la dee dah. sorry if you never had people to do that for you, but you could be a little fucking happier for me in my time of celebration instead of acting like a dick. 

-that one time i told him how my hs was on list for the top best high schools in the US. like thats a pretty big fucking deal and he was just totally nonchalant and uncaring about it. LIKE WOW DUDE JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING NICE INSTEAD OF FEELING LIKE IM PUTTING YOU DOWN. 

-i tell funny stories, or just stories in general, and he just acts like he doesnt give a fucking shit. or he has to interrupt and interject with his own story. he CANT STAND NOT HAVING THE ATTENTION ON HIM. or better, he CANT STAND THE ATTENTION BEING ON ME. 

-when you come over and i GRACIOUSLY cook you food, you have the nerve to come in my kitchen and COMPLAIN CRITICIZE AND COMPLAIN SOME MORE. you fucking come over for maybe 2 hours, for 75% of the time im cooking, and youre sitting on my fucking couch on your phone. WOW WHAT A GREAT VISIT THIS WAS. THANKS FOR COMING TO SEE ME MIKE. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

im just UGH i keep going back and forth between happiness and anger. he makes me happy but lately it hasn't been excessively so. 

in the words of young the giant, im "waiting for this cough syrup to come down."

[hopefullyanonymous]

issues

things i need to ask about:

1. why do you leave immediately the next day. you come over at like 10pm, we hang out for a few hours until you fall asleep at like 2am LATEST, then you leave the next morning like as soon as you wake up basically. i dont understand why. dont you want to spend time here? im not sure if his "my parents want me home" excuse is really valid 100% of the time. i just dont really get why he wouldn't want to spend more time with me when we literally only see each other on weekends.

2. you DONT FUCKING CUDDLE AFTER SEX. its literally like a switch has been flipped. i dont fucking like it. CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THIS SHIT BECAUSE ITS REALLY REALLY REALLY NOT FUCKING COOL.

3. we only fuck. this has to end. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

its just really annoying...

its just REALLY ANNOYING when you keep fucking saying "OH I TOLD YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH" WHEN YOU NEVER FUCKING DID

its like, do you not remember our fucking conversations? who the fuck else are you telling this shit to on the reg that youre getting them confused with me?

NO, YOU TELL ME ALMOST NOTHING. YOU DID NOT TELL ME THAT.

ugh it just makes me feel as if 1. you dont care enough about our convos to fucking REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAY TO ME, and 2. that you are talking about all this shit with so many other people that you cant keep track of who the fuck else youre speaking to.

BLEHHHHHHHH just feels shitty.  

[hopefullyanonymous]

how do people deal with this?

DUDE THIS IS UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE 

I AM STILL MAD. i still get mad. i still get upset. I STILL CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS

like i feel like we handled things so fucking wrongly. i need my voice back. i need to express my feelings. i feel as if i have trapped myself into this hole where i cant talk to him about any of this stuff. 

I NEED TO TALK TO HIM. I NEED TO. ITS KILLING ME INSIDE. BUT WHEN?! WHERE?? WHEN IS THE GOOD TIME FOR IT?!

[hopefullyanonymous]

21st Birthday!!!

Hello anonymous tumblr diary!!! Today is a very special day indeed, do you know why? 

BECAUSE ITS MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY BITCHHHHHH!!!!!!!

OH MY LORD i am finally finally finally fucking 21 years old. WOW. HOW IS THIS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE LOL. 

i honestly feel like i have waited a lifetime to turn 21. and technically, i have waited my whole lifetime, but jeez its taken forever to get here lol. I CAN FINALLY GO OUT TO BARS AND CLUBS AND THE CITAY AND LIKE DO ALL THOSE SUPER COOL FUN ADULT THINGS LIKE DRINK AND GAMBLE AND BE AWESOME!!!

finally me and mike can go out together without me feeling like a left out boob, and i can go out without him and make him feel like the boob!!!!! hahahahahahah

i am going to the bar tomorrow night with my friends but have yet to decide what my first "Official Bar Drink" order should be. something girly pero i dont know what drink is the most me. ya know? 

so ridiculous, i know lol, i'm being cray. but i mean its a momentous occasion! and one that i want to rememba foreva as the coolest most amazing celebration ever! 

ill update you more as the nights happen!!! today is the first of many fun days :)

[hopefullyanonymous]

not feeling it

i'm really not feeling it at all right now. i'm just like over this all. 

i dont like feeling like a second thought. if i text you, fucking answer me. i dont want to wait an hour to hear a response. 

i have just constantly felt like i am not a priority. it's fucking annoying. and it's just building up. 

[hopefullyanonymous]

need to type

so..idk man.

why am i putting myself through all of this. why am i carrying around all of this pain and resentment and bitterness. it just weighs me down and fills me with so much awfulness. 

why do i allow myself to stay in this position where there is a never ending supply of things to make me worried. i cant trust anything. i am constnatly insecure. 

i dont really see the point anymore. every fucking thing with him is me pushing or forcing or asking. why cant he do anything without me needing to show him the way. 

i cant think of a single romantic thing hes done for me. seriously though.

the only time that comes to mind, something that he did without pushing or prodding or feeling "roped into", was this time he bought me a cannoli from a bakery when me and a bunch of IAU people were there. i told him he didn't need to since it was a "group trip" and not a date, but he insisted anyway. 

i just dont feel very happy.

instead of looking forward to his texts, and being happy and excited to talk to him, i am usually just annoyed. 

he texts me, but then takes 9013019283918203 minutes to answer if i start getting into a convo with him. 

i just dont feel like this is how im supposed to feel right now.