hopesofawallflower

[hopesofawallflower]

December 26, 2024

What do you see in yourself? When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you think is the quality that entices people? What do you do or say that leave others wanting more? These qualities that you think you have, or if you actually have it, do they really matter? Do you lose this essence of 'you' if these qualities were omitted from from your appearance / personality?

I ask myself questions like that occasionally, not because I am narcissistic, or that I am confident, but because I want others to see something in me. Something that I can't see for myself. I don't know if I have any of these qualities... or maybe I'm just a basic and shallow individual. Maybe... I just am.

I... have taken an interest in a co-worker at work. It has been... about three months since I have discovered these feelings. I don't really know how to explain it... or how it happened. He has a really cute smile, he says the weirdest and dumbest things during the most unexpected times, but above all... he's really nice. He's patient, cute and just... well... he makes me laugh. He makes me shy, scramble for words and most of all... makes my heart race.

I have.... confessed to him yesterday on Christmas day. It was not planned. I guess something in me just decided it was time. He took it well... and I can't go into details as to why it didn't work out... but it didn't...

I may not show it, and he may not know it, but I'm spiraling hard. It has been only three months, so why am I spiraling so fast? Is it because I'm thinking of him every passing minute? Is it due to my obsessive nature? These feelings start off slow... but ramps up so fast. I don't even know how to face him at work. He may say everything is fine, but now that I have said something... whatever between us is bound to change... right?

I know this feeling all too well. This feeling I have... it's just so familiar and it's bringing back so much unwanted memories. All the pain and torment I have went through... dreaming and chasing after people whom I will never get. There is just so much pain... I don't know what to do with it. I just want this to stop, I need this to end.

Maybe.... just maybe... I'm not meant to have anyone. It feels like I'm back in my teenage years again. The constant worrying, the constant obsessing. I just want some reassurance. I just need some comfort. I need some time alone.

Well... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. I'm sorry for a pathetic and depressing entry, but it's the best I can offer. Maybe when I look back, all of these will be a joke, or maybe it won't.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

November 12, 2024

Hey... It has been a long while. There is so much to share, but so little at the same time. I just... don't really know where to start.

The past two years of my life was...hell. I completed my military service and had pretty much stayed at home for the past two years playing video games. The first year was recovering from the leg surgery I had, and... the second year was just... I don't even know. My family labels it as 'laziness', while I call it 'depression'.

There were multiple fights, big ones, with my brother. He seems to struggle to understand my emotions. When I refuse to open up to him about anything going on in my life, he assumes the worst, then calls me a liar for actually trying what little I can put an effort in. When I do open up to him in the heat of an argument, he then claims I'm using my mental illness as an excuse to be lazy since I don't physically display the tell tale signs of someone going through depression. It was exhausting. Between the big fights, small fights, the gossiping with my parents behind my back... it really felt like my life was not worth living for. Family? What family? Family don't call each other names. They don't say you're a good-for-nothing. They don't shout at you, while talking politely with my brother even though he's in the wrong in certain situations. These two to three years made me realize that I'm done with my family. I'm absolutely done.

My brother got his own place and moved out in October. We kept things cordial until he moved out which meant we're still roughly on talking terms... and I guess without the constant close proximity in the same living quarters, it's just a little more tolerable.

My relationship with my parents is the same old off and on bullshit. We get into huge verbal fights from time to time... but my mental state is so messed up I'm actively trying to not speak with them. I don't think they noticed, but soon they might, which will probably spark up another argument. It does not matter though. I'm done. No conversations means there's nothing they can find to spark up any further arguments.

In lieu of my brother moving out, I get a larger living space. It's not huge by any means, and I'm still sleeping in the living room which meant my privacy is almost non-existent since my parents can just walk out of their bedroom and get a view of everything. Not to mention the noise and light they produce when I'm planning to have an early night. It's much less of a nightmare after my brother moved out, but still a nightmare nonetheless. I'm trying to transform this living room into a more conducive environment for myself. I'm planning to get some new furniture, maybe some table potted plants to spruce up the space. I need this. I need this badly.

I have also gotten a job. I started 4 months ago in June. I work at the backend of a Bank, just simple stuff, not too complicated, but doesn't mean that it isn't tedious. The sheer volume of work makes me question life sometimes. Getting a job means i have much lesser time to play video games, but have money to do things I want to do. Like get a professional camera, and travel the world. The latter will have to wait though.... I also built a new PC. Costs a bomb, but I'm pretty satisfied with it.

Work has been... all right so far. I am currently 'on loan' to another department and that department has been working me to my bones. I have started to overtime and I just can't get a breather during work. Paperwork just keeps piling up, the colleagues in that department seems extremely judgmental and just yesterday, I stopped myself from lashing out at something ridiculous that was said to me by a colleague there. I just need to be cool and ignore the people there until the end of the year since that's when I am scheduled to go back to my original department. The colleagues there are much nicer.

Sorry if it seems I'm rushing through everything. My mental state isn't the best right now.... and there's just so much I want to share, but there's this massive mental block so I'm just speeding through whatever comes into my mind.

So right now... I just spend majority of my time at work on weekdays and after getting home from work, I will be on my PC until it's my bed time. The weekends are pretty similar... I just spend the entire day on my PC and then go to bed.

There's not much going on in my life.... I just feel really... lonely, unsatisfied and it seems like every little thing triggers this gnawing and insatiable rage in me. Nothing makes me happy and there are some afternoons I just stare at the wall, thinking about everything, yet nothing at all.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I just... feel so lost.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

June 7, 2022

Hi there. I am back with my inconsistent updates. On a rare occasion like this, when I'm calm, content (somewhat) and rational, I thought to myself, "Why not put an entry in the book?". Here I am. Well, to kick it off, why not start with something I'm moderately embarrassed about?

Since my previous update, I've done some very questionable things. I was frustrated, desperate, infatuated and I seem to have lost all logic then. I turned to apps that specialized in.... hookups. It was nice at first. Some of the individuals can strike up the smoothest conversations ever and it makes me feel like they wanted me, and they did, just not for the same reason I was hoping for. I just wanted to feel loved, wanted, needed. I met some nice individuals, but most of them were pretty nasty after getting what they wanted. I guess that's the price I have to pay for putting myself out in a world like that.

I don't know if it's normal, but I feel dirty, tainted and... lesser after that whole ordeal. Is that true? Maybe I am... it bugs me and I think about that from time to time. I'm just glad I didn't contract anything bad during that short span of stupidity. I guess I'll just meet people the conventional way from now on - actually meeting and talking to them.

Now that the dirt is out of the system, I want to talk about my lack of motivation to do literally anything productive.

I spend all my free time playing video games getting immersed in them. I barely even read now, let alone write. I don't want this to be the dying gasp of my passion. I'm trying my best to write even the shortest piece, excerpts of a plot I have in my head, poems, anything in hopes to rekindle my hobby.

Not just my hobby. I should really pick up anything other than gaming. I spend way too much time on that. I do have an interest to pick up cooking. Like actually cooking real dishes, not just instant / frozen food. I also have a guitar somewhere when I was trying to pick up music awhile ago. Maybe I should go back to that as well. I know, I'm just grasping at straws and I'll probably not even do any of those because of how thin I'm spreading my focus, but I don't want to turn a year older next year knowing that I did absolutely nothing productive for a year. Some would argue self-growth / self-care is productive too, but did I really grow...? Or am I just lazy? I'm guessing it's the latter.

I'm going to complete my military service in three months and I don't even know what kind of job I'm going to seek.

I guess that's it for this post. I would love to add more, but I'm all out of content. I might just be tired. I definitely have more going on. I shall update the rest in a subsequent post. I should probably head to bed.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

August 24, 2021 (Part 3)

So tell me, W. Tell me where I went wrong. Was it wrong for me to feel this way? Was it wrong for me to write my diary in my phone? Was it wrong for me to not be able to stand up for myself back then? Then who should govern these feelings? Who was to say what I should or should not feel? Who was to say what I can or cannot do?

I was outed. I did not even have the chance to come out on my own terms and all I could care about was what you thought of me. It's not that it doesn't matter the entire level in our school found out that I'm gay. Hell, I was terrified of the judgement, but all I could do was obsess over what you were thinking of me, and if it was possible to mend things. Because you were just that important to me.

This entire ordeal changed my outlook on life so god damn much. I started seeing things so negatively, I lost every battle before starting them. Every time I take an interest in someone, I would look for remnants of you in them. I'll always compare them to this perfect version of you in my head and you know what? You come out on top... every single time. I would always overthink about the most trivial things. I would always doubt someone when trust is involved. Heck, I can't even trust anyone anymore. There's so many "What Ifs". What if they leave?

What if they find someone more interesting?

What if they get sick and tired of me?

What if I'm not good enough for them?

What if they find me annoying?

What if they're secretly plotting against me?

I give a piece of me to every close friend I make and watching them walk out of my life for whatever reason makes me feel like they are taking a part of me with them. Watching them forget about me because they found someone else more interesting feels like betrayal, and it hits too close to home.

The fact is that I loved you, but... not anymore. I love revisiting those memories, even though most of them are sufferable. It brings me comfort, knowing that the past is set in stone, therefore, it will not change. I just wish I knew where I went wrong because I really need to know why you did what you did. This much damage deserves an explanation. You don't just say things and do things that hurt so bad without a reason. You're not that bad of a person. I know you aren't.

I'm a complete mess now, and the 'you' in my head is fading, even though I don't want it to. The good thing is that... I'm finally getting over this chapter of my life. It was long overdue. Our situation shaped me into this... sensitive, anxious and traumatic little kid who wants nothing but care, attention and love.

Thank you for showing me what pure contempt and hatred feels like. Thank you for letting me experience this gnawing but euphoric feeling of obsessive love, and most importantly, thank you for showing me what I really want in my future partner. (if I ever get one.) Lastly, thank you for the memories.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

August 12, 2021 (Part 2)

We were fifteen, and you made me feel a little bit... different compared to my other male friends. I'd always look forward to our little engagements. I'd always look forward to having homeroom and language classes since you'll end up sitting beside me, or at least near me. I'd always look forward to Physical Education classes since I can play against you and watch you trash me every single time while assuring me it was fine. I liked the way you tickled me senseless and when I fall to the ground breathless, you'd ask me if I was fine and I'd always give you one of those smiles which resembles a kid when they receive candies and say "Yes I'm fine!".

I began writing my first diary entry on my phone. In those entries, I wrote down some of my opinions on you which ranged from me enjoying our time together, to how attractive I thought you were. The latter probably gave everything away about my sexuality but at that time, my naïve self couldn't comprehend liking another guy so to me, I just saw you as an older brother. Hell, even my phone password had your name in it and looking back now, I deserve a hard slap.

Weeks after commencing on journaling, I had several entries logged.

It was lunch and about... half of our classmates were in the classroom. Then, just like any other day, I was being teased by some of our classmates, which were your friends. You joined in too because why wouldn't you? Some of them managed to get a hold of my phone and started to toss it around like a ball. I believe my phone was unlocked for some reason and... yeah one of your friends went into my 'Notes' section. The rest was history.

You heard every single word they said with their smug faces. Every single word was from the bottom of my heart. Those words were mine. It was personal. It was raw. And they laughed, and laughed... and laughed. All I could do was freeze in my seat, burying my face in both of my hands and just avoiding any form of eye contact, but everyone's eyes were on me. I could feel them burning holes into my skin. I could feel the embarrassment creeping its way up my already blushing face. I could feel judgment, I could feel disgust, I could feel pity... Everything was heightened. I felt it all.

Lunch period was soon over and before classes resumed, I looked over at you and you gave me a slight smile and looked away quickly. It was different but what did I know about signs like these back then? I knew nothing. The teasing from everyone never stopped since that day. We talked lesser, our little 'moments' no longer existed and you just stopped talking to me at all.

On top of that, one of your friends whom I had trusted this... secret with. He exposed me. He told you everything, didn't he? I know it. He was so smug about it. He still had the audacity to tease me after everything. He still had the conscience to insult me after doing me dirty. He was an asshole, it was my lack of insight to trust him in the first place. I never did forgive him... and I never will. His actions will be engraved in my soul and the feeling of embarrassment, betrayal and fear will forever linger at the back of my throat.

I kept requesting some of our mutual friends to see if they can help mend things between us, but it was really a difficult situation and nothing could be done. I was an idiot back then. I kept doing stupid things to catch your attention and even though you'd not show any reaction toward me, some of our friends mentioned that you chuckled a little and shook your head every time I did something stupid.

I don't know if it was what you heard from your friends, or what clicked in your head over the course of a few weeks. Everything went stale and you just found whatever I did annoying and extra. When I spoke to my friends, when it was mandatory for me to do a presentation, when I had no other place to sit in the canteen except a table away from yours, when I was genuinely clumsy and tripped or when I was hit by a frisbee in the head by someone else, you found every living, breathing moment of me annoying.

That annoyance soon turned into hatred. Pure, raw, burning hatred. You hated me. You told our mutual friends that you hated me. There was no help in the world that could mend our situation. There was nothing in the world that could help me. I started to spiral and honestly, I felt that was when I started to feel anxious. I was home, I was pondering on how to fix this. I was stressing so hard about how I can approach this, what my next step(s) should be, what I should say, what I shouldn't say. My heart was racing, I didn't want to do anything wrong. EVERYTHING had to be PERFECT. And if I couldn't devise something flawless, I would try and try again. Think harder, stress harder. Then, I had my first panic attack and I remember it as clear and vivid as the sky.

The next day, I didn't show up for school... and it was then, you said something to our mutual friend which haunts me till this very day in my life and I will always remember it.

"Sometimes, I wish he didn't exist."

Yeah.... I wish I didn't exist too.

[hopesofawallflower]

August 12, 2021 (Part 1)

What went wrong? What was wrong with me? Was the problem with me? Was I wrong to feel this way? Can you fault someone based on how they feel? What should I feel? How should I feel?

We were fourteen. You liked teasing me because you thought that it was fun with the way I reacted. Maybe I enjoyed being teased by you even though I said that I hated it.

We didn’t really talk much throughout our years in school. We were in different groups of friends. We had some mutual friends. Some of those mutual friends were really good friends of ours. You liked taking pictures, and I hated to be in them which made you want to include me in them even more. It was just a friendship full of teasing and laughter but… nothing substantial. We didn't text each other, we didn't talk to each other about anything at all.

You were an athletic person. It was fun watching you play sports during our Physical Education periods. When I joined in some of those activities, we were always on opposing teams and it was hilarious to play against you. The way you moved, the way you let me attempt a score but I failed terribly and you just laughed at it with the biggest smile on your face and assured me saying, “It’s fine.”. The competitive side comes out in you when you’re in your element - water. I never could appreciate Water Polo because I didn’t understand what was going on most of the time but when I did watch some of the matches you were in, I joined in the cheers and support of our friends and hoped for the best.

You liked Taylor Swift. I didn’t know a lot of western singers then. In fact, I didn’t listen to music that much when I was in my early teenage years. I decided to search up one of your favorite hits from Taylor - 'You Belong With Me', and I instantly took a liking to it. I didn’t know I was into country and pop until then. Everything about that song just made me want to sing and dance along with it. Soon after, I started to explore more songs of T. Swift and I stumbled upon 'Love Story' and 'Back To December'. Weeks after discovering her, I guess I'm considered a 'Swiftie'.

There were several times we bumped into each other outside of school. Sometimes, it was at McDonald's, sometimes, it was at an internet cafe. You'd always give me that signature big smile of yours when you see me and I would grin like an idiot. On occasions, you would sneak up and tickle me at my hips which made me squirm around like a maniac since I was extremely sensitive to tickles.

You were often reprimanded by our homeroom teacher due to your playful nature with your friends and on multiple occasions, you were made to sit beside me as a punishment since my seat was located pretty far from your group of friends. However, you found your entertainment even whilst sitting beside me. You played around with my stationaries, swapped the ink of every single pen I had and when I took your stationaries as payback, you tickled me into oblivion. The ruckus we made always landed us into trouble, but I was fine with that.

You were often tired during classes since you had training every single day after school, till 8-9pm and sometimes even 10pm. It was understandable, but you still tried your best to pay attention during the most boring classes. You'd often catch me staring at you and you'll always give me a smile and a "What's Up" expression with your raised eyebrows. I'd just shake my head, smile and went back to whatever I was doing.

Even through all these, our time spent together was so minimal, it was almost non-existent. We were in totally different groups of friends, with some overlap but you were way more sociable. I wasn't. Yes, I had an extremely annoying and noisy persona back then and I was often known by students of other classes due to my childish and loud nature, but their impressions of me were mostly neutral to decent. But you, you were that athlete everyone liked. You were good looking, you were sociable, you had a good smile, you were kind, caring and everything everyone wanted. What I wanted....

[hopesofawallflower]

April 5, 2021

I honestly didn’t know how or when it started. It could be the constant teasing. It could be the reassurance you always give me when I’m pessimistic as hell. It could be how you recall conversations even though I’ve always assumed you don’t find me worth remembering. It could be how you told me multiple times that we’ll still talk to each other after our time is up. It could be how pretty your eyes are, especially when the sun hits them and they turn light brown.

There is this person I really like... I think I’m way past the whole “interested” phase. It was quick and unexpected. I’ve only known him for about three and a half months and what an eventful period it has been.

I really enjoy being around him, but that has its cons. My attachment issues are starting to get in the way and I can’t stop thinking about him every single day. There are a couple of times I’ve decided to send him a message to see if he was interested to talk about anything at all, but the conversation was short-lived and I ended up being paranoid about his short and uninterested replies.

There are also times when he almost caught on about how much time I spent thinking about him or how much I missed him over the weekends. I just smiled and played it off as a joke, like I always do. We have a playful and weird friendship. Teasing each other seems to be how we communicate. He can be playful when he wants to, which gets along pretty well with my playful nature.

There are also times when we’re arguing over little things which other people find it pointless. We would always bicker and when I’m wrong, he’ll always make it a point to count the number of times my smug ass didn’t get it right.

Then, there are times when we would have our differences. Like how I have a pessimistic nature and how he always tries to make me view things positively. I would occasionally find his actions questionable and assume the worst in him and yes, I’ve pissed him off more times than I can count, but he was still nice to me. He chose to be nice to me and I really appreciate that.

I can’t stop thinking about him and that’s so messed up.

It’s going to hurt when he leaves. It’s going to hurt when he gets disappointed and despises me when I can’t perform in the exams that I rashly registered for. It’s going to hurt when he hears things about me and gets influenced by it and changes his view of me. It’s going to hurt when he discovers these feelings and hates me for it. It’s going to hurt when he glares at me in disgust and contempt.

It’s already hurting because he’s straight.

It's already hurting because maybe... this is how he sees and treats all of his friends. The truth is that I'm no one special to him. I'm just a passing shadow in his life. I'm just... irrelevant.

It’s already hurting because somewhere deep down, I know I’m ugly and there’s no way I stand a chance.

It doesn’t matter whether he leaves now, later or when our time is up. It’s going to hurt so freaking much and I hate this.

All in all, I still like him regardless of the repercussions because... that’s me. I’m dumb and I can’t let go of stupid feelings like these.

I need help.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

March 30, 2021

No one cares. Not a single one. Don't tell me you care and then act like something else. You're just nice and friendly within these walls. I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of insincerity. I'm tired of people.

I trust you. I really want to, but hundreds of voices are in my head and they are drowning out yours like a muffled and distant voice that will be long forgotten.

You will be influenced. You will start seeing me in a different light. You will despise me and ultimately, you will leave. Just like every one of them.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

February 11, 2021

Every time. Every god damn time I try my best to avoid social interaction and try not to fall into social norms, I get reeled in like the helpless catch of a desperate and hungry fisher. I knew the risks, I knew the pain and mental stress it'll put on my fagile emotional state but I still took the fucking bait like an idiot.

The orientation phase of my military life was completed not long ago so I was posted to a logistics unit to help out with managing equipment. This is what I'll most likely be doing for the remainder of my time here and I can already tell it will be an eventful 19 months for me. I don't mean that in a good way.

My first mistake was to act like I was shy and friendly. Also, I can't stop smiling at people. I should freaking tear my face off. A combination of those, creates the impression that I actually want to socialise even though I don't.

That persona which I'm trying to get rid off? The helpful, friendly and sociable me, the one with the sunny disposition? I want that to be buried so deep down to the point where it's ancient history. I don't want anyone new to meet that part of me because that's not me. It was something I created to please people. It was something or someone that could fit in with people, but I'm done fitting in. Yes, it might still be a part of me, it is a fraction of who I am, but I want to keep it exclusive to people I give a damn about, not random strangers who won't give a damn about me because that part of me cares and caring about people whom I know isn't going to be a part of my life in the long run is only going to hurt me.

Everyone thinks I'm the happy and cheerful individual and when I can't keep up with this persona because I'm just so exhausted interacting with fake people, a little hatred slips through, suddenly everyone thinks I'm not in my right mind or I am being controlled by emotions. Truth is, I can't be any closer to home when I'm feeling hateful. I can't be any more 'me' when I'm controlled by my emotions because that's who I am. Every emotion I feel, every shift in the air, I feel it amplified tenfold. It's like this crushing feeling inside me that causes me to do anything to desperately put an end to and if that includes projecting my anger and hatred outwards, so be it.

I'm furious and hateful. My anger is explosive and all I want is revenge on people who screwed me over in the past. I want them to feel what I went through. I want them to think that they are never good enough, and will never be. I want them to beg for the suffering to end even though there is no one there to hear or help them. Most importantly, I want to be the reason for their pitiful plight because that's what they did to me. Revenge and hatred is all I'd ever thought about for a very long time. It was suppressed for so long and now it's almost like I have an endless supply of it.

I can't imagine myself without all these hate and spite. If that friendly and outgoing persona isn't me, this ugly and violent persona must be the real me, right? I don't want it to be me, but sometimes, the truth hurts.

I'm a bad person and I deserve nothing.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

September 29 , 2020 (Part 2)

  I wanted to dedicate this... issue I have in a separate post because it’s going to be lengthy and also, it’s something that is really important to me above all other things - my love life. Or rather, the lack thereof.

  I didn’t always have the best luck dealing with men. I get that I’m not the best looking dude out there, neither am I rich, nor have a body which would make people drool over, but.... is that really what people want and need? If I were to get a penny every time someone says “Looks doesn’t matter. It’s just a bonus.” I would already be swimming around in a sea of gold coins. Everyone says that, but how many actually mean what they say? I will admit, I am one of those hypocrites. I would say ‘so and so doesn’t matter’, but ultimately, we all have that secret list we check off every time we meet someone who has the potential to be our partners.

  We’re all looking for that perfect individual to spend to rest of our lives with but someone who’s perfect in my eyes, might not even have me on their list and it fucking sucks. Granted, I’ve not really put myself out there to socialize with hundreds of different people over the span of a few weekends but is that really what I need to resort to? Because if it is, then I guess I’m going to stay single.

  I have never been able to socialize with people without being awkward. My interests always seem to not interest anyone I meet and in the end, it all boils down to small talk and I hate it because it’s a waste of time. It’s also a challenge because people like me have to deal with the fact that certain people we are or were interested in are straight. It’s like that additional requirement that’s mandatory for us. 

  I have watched a lot of romance shows and movies and read a lot of books that are in the same genre too and with each one I watched and read, my expectations in a relationship pile higher and higher to the point where I know it’s impossible to have such a perfect relationship. It’s real life! Movies and books are works of fiction so of course they’ll show you something you wished you were a part of, but I can’t help it. It’s at a point where... if the relationship I would have isn’t as perfect as this book or that movie, I’ll rather not be in one. Maybe that’s my problem? Am I expecting too much? Am I asking for something perfect in a world filled with imperfection?

  I have been looking for that perfect Mr. Right for as long as I can remember. Yes, some people I’d taken an interest in the past turned out to be homophobic assholes. Yes, it caused me to spiral and yes, I am damaged goods, but does that mean I don’t deserve a partner to spend the rest of my life with? Does that mean I can’t share my weal and woe with anyone? I have all these emotions I don’t even know how to deal with. These affection which I can’t give myself, neither can I give it away.

  I want to love. I can’t love myself because I hate myself for being imperfect. I want to find someone I can love and maybe through loving someone else, I can learn to love myself.

  I want to have fun and be dorky with him.

  I want to explore and see the world with him.

  I want to feel secure with him.

  I want us to share every thought and uncertainty, be it positive or negative.

  I want us to never fight, but if we do, I hope we can resolve it rationally and I will apologize without hesitation if I screwed up.

  I want to love him.

  I want him to love me.

  And I never want us to break apart because I don’t think I can live on after a break up when someone actually checks everything above.

  That’s my secret list, well the important parts anyway. It’s ridiculous, I know. It reeks of desperation and tough expectations and that’s ugly as hell. Maybe all those books and movies really fucked me up, huh? 

  Yup, I’m definitely dying single.

  Without a doubt.

Good night, world.

[hopesofawallflower]

September 29, 2020 (Part 1)

  I don’t really know how long this post is going to be since I have a lot on my mind. I’ve not been really consistent in updating this blog considering this is my diary because.... well I guess that will be the first thing I’m going to talk about - my addiction to video games.

  Over the years, I have been seriously addicted to video games. It started off when I was a kid, and then when I’ve gotten a taste of using a computer, I never stopped. I always went to an internet cafe right after school and spent my entire afternoon and evening there. I know, I know, I was lifeless, and honestly, I still am. My parents got me a laptop for school several years back and even though I did use it for school work, I used it to play games too. Since getting that laptop, it was much worse since I can play the games I love so much at any time and the best part was, I didn’t need to pay to play games, unlike the days I spent at the internet cafe.  In December last year, I configured and bought my very first PC. I was very happy with it and it opened up way more games than I can play with an average laptop so you can guess how it went with my addiction.

  Now, this addiction got in the way of my studies sometimes, but I didn’t outright fail a class or anything. I still passed my classes, some I did extremely well, but majority of them were just average. I could have gotten slightly better grades if I didn’t play all the time and I wouldn’t have to race against time during the last week of the semester for all my submissions, but hey all that is over and I would say I’m moderately satisfied with my grades. (Oh yeah, I graduated back in April so yay for me!)

  All of that doesn’t mean I’m not aware I have an addiction. I know I do but I didn’t really do anything about it because I didn’t want to. Playing video games was my escape so why would I want to quit something that brings me joy? That was in the past, until about two weeks ago. Much as I enjoy playing games, I enjoy reading and writing too and I realized how much time I wasted just playing my life away. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be difficult to quit gaming altogether and I don’t think that’s what I’m going for, but cutting down on gaming so I will still have time doing the other things I love sounds reasonable. I’ve not written anything in ages and looking back at the drafts and ideas I’d written down really made me realize how much I’m missing out. It’s going to take awhile but hey, at least I’m updating here so that’s a start. Baby steps, right?

  Commencing on my journey to cutting my gaming addiction is probably the only positive thing about this entry. (or entries, if it’s too long I might make a part 2) It’s about to get real gloomy around here because well, I’m enlisting into the military in two days on October 1st.

  Where I live, all males are required to attend the military service at the age of 18, unless we’re still studying, which most of us are, then we will be allowed to defer until we complete our studies. So yeah, I’m 23 now and my service starts soon and it will last for two years.

  As with all the males who are going in, I can’t help but feel dreaded. I’m going to waste two years of my life with crappy pay (they call it ‘allowance’) and doing things I don’t particularly enjoy which will never be used in my future career. (In case it wasn’t obvious, I’ll want to write my own book one day, and if that fails, I can always fall back to media design / website coding) Not to mention, I have this grand plan of migrating to the States. I’ve not thought about a back up plan like if I fail to get the green card or if I screw up financially. Migrating alone is tough, even in the planning phase because I have to watch what I spend on(which I’m not doing very well at) and I don’t have anyone to fall back on, you know? 

  These two years which I’ll be spending in the military really puts a pause on my plans. I could use these two years to work a job to earn about triple of what I’ll be earning while serving. I don’t come from a wealthy family so every penny counts in this plan of mine. I also planned to migrate before or as I turn 30 so these two years are really a waste of my time.

  On top of that, I’ll be bunked with other dudes and people might think it’ll be a paradise for a gay guy, but guess what? I hate it because that’s an inaccurate stereotype. I don’t intend to announce my sexuality and even though I’m open about it, I will probably deny it if anyone asks just to be safe. I don’t exactly have the best luck in the romance department and there are bound to be homophobic bastards in there. Also, seeing people five days a week means drama because people equates to drama. Oh, and I’m also not comfortable showing skin so that’s going to be a real pain to deal with.

  I will be bringing books and my writing tools with me so I’ll be doing quite a bit of reading and writing in there. I’ll also be away from my PC so I guess it’s all going to work out, at least for the addiction part. 

  I have one last thing to talk about and it’s going to be lengthy so I’ll split this into two entries. To the next entry I go!

[hopesofawallflower]

May 28, 2019

  This is going to be a short post. I would like to write a long one but I’m not really up for it now.

  I always thought that throughout the years, as I hopped from drama to drama, I grew a little bit wiser every time. It was wrong of me to think that because I really didn’t get any smarter. In fact, if it was even possible, my ability to determine fake people had dampened.

  Every single time when I have a breakthrough with my depressing thoughts, I’ll start losing myself all over again. There is that sweet feeling of victory and right after that, fate comes and bite me in the ass - again. 

  Did I really discover more about myself? Is it possible to discover more about myself and lose it right after? Does that mean I never really did know myself to begin with?

  My mind is a cage that is filled with depressing thoughts and degrading words and the worst part is, I am trapped here with them.

[hopesofawallflower]

January 25, 2019

  It has been a long time, a very long time since I’ve updated. I had almost forgotten that I owned a blog like this. It was not that I had nothing to post about, it was more of.... I was not able to put the time and effort to write about it. It was an exhausting three years but the important thing is that i’m back.

  I have a lot to share and I honestly do not know where to start so I guess I’ll start with the most prominent thing on my mind right now. Then, I’ll write about past events as I remember them, sorta like a flashback style.

  Does anyone ever feel lonely? At some point in life, be it whether you’re young or you’re an adult, I’m pretty sure you would have felt the unmistakable haunting feeling of loneliness. However, the loneliness I’m talking about here is the kind of loneliness you feel even when you’re surrounded by a group of friends.

  Once, I read from somewhere (I couldn’t remember exactly where) that if you were to feel loneliness even when you’re hanging out with a group of friends, they’re probably not your friends anyway because if they were, they would have understood you and done something about it. Is that true? Isn’t that putting the blame on people who have absolutely no idea how you feel? Should the blame be with me then? Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

  I really have no idea. It really is a painful two years for me. I really shouldn’t have applied for this diploma course because coming here, studying in school, hanging out with friends who does not give a damn about me is really starting to get tiring. To be precise, I’m already mentally drained. School assignments and projects are draining me physically as well.

  It would have been better if I did not have friends. Then, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to rely on them. The huge problem about me is that I grow attached to the people I spend time with and that is extremely detrimental to my mental health. Why is that you ask? Because people leave. People come in and go out of your life whether you like it or not. I always had the fantasy that I could have this friend, or in the extremely ideal situation, friends, that I could spend the rest of my life with, friends that i could share my interests and if I ever get into trouble, I could share my issues with them.

  But that is all just a fantasy. Everyone I met in the past, had drifted apart. Friends I have now, I know they would leave sooner or later. It might have been my fault to an extent since I’m not the best at keeping conversations. It might have been my fault since I am not the greatest at socialising. It might have also been my fault that I cannot explain this pang of loneliness I feel every once in a while.... which happens a lot more often now. 

  I wrote this on a piece of paper when i was tipsy during one late night. If you don’t know, the combination of exhaustion and alcohol isn’t exactly pleasant so I was really either out of my mind, or I didn’t know what I was writing then.

  “It was at times like these, I felt that I’d hit rock bottom, but it seem as though I’m still falling. There is no end to this misery. It has been a long time, a very long time since I was not plagued by these feelings that do nothing except tear me to pieces.

  In the beginning, I was able to express the cause of my mood swings, but slowly, it seemed as though I had lost the ability to do so. I could not give a logical explanation  as to what had caused me to feel and act in this horrible state. Then I realised it was not whom or what had caused me to feel like this - it was everything. Everything looks fine on the surface  but it is I who feel that everything is wrong. Is the problem with me or am I simply a victim caught in the midst of a raging storm?

  I was okay. It was just a brief moment of respite, but everything was too still, too silent, almost as if everything was perfect. I started to get comfortable, too comfortable. I started to settle in to this ‘perfect’ world that was built by my own foolish imagination. Piece by piece, layer by layer, the ‘perfect’ world I was living in starts peeling away to a cold, hard, ugly reality.

  I want this phase of my life to end, but I know it will only get worse from here. The next phase of my life is going to suck even more because up till now, things just get harder and more difficult to handle. There is nothing for me to look forward to, at least not anymore. It was my fault to begin with. I shouldn’t have used temporary goals as a motivation because when these temporary goals disappear, I felt even more empty than if I hadn’t relied on such a stupid solution.

  People are temporary. They were, they are and they will always be. No matter how close you are with someone, how strong you think your relationship is with someone, no one can escape the inevitable punishment of time. They’ll slowly drift, they’ll smile lesser, talk lesser and before anyone realises it, they are all lost in a sea of bitter cold regret.”

  That was all I wrote before dreaming about something irrelevant. I edited some mistakes as my tipsy brain couldn’t form the nicest sentences and spell the simplest words.

  I think that is enough for one post. I’ll usually do longer posts but I have a lot to think about.

  Good morning, world

[hopesofawallflower]

March 31, 2016

  Alright, it’s been pretty long since I’ve updated, considering this is actually a diary. I’ve not been doing much lately except for sleeping at around seven in the morning and waking up at five in the evening. My body clock is obviously screwed and the reason for that? - playing online games through the night.

  My holidays are coming to an end and I am not one bit happy about it. I’m not ‘excited’ to see any of my classmates let alone interacting with them. It’s just... I’m so used to all this ‘being alone’ thing that it makes me feel inferior when I’m interacting with humans. I don’t even know myself sometimes. I wonder why did I ever create the impression that I’m actually a very outgoing person to my classmates. It does not only make them think of me in the totally opposite way of what I actually am, but it also makes things more difficult now because I can’t just switch my personality around and tell them to fuck off.

  That actually brings me on to another point. I’ve noticed and experienced that people who usually hates attention, or shuns it, are usually the attention magnets. I guess I am one of those people. When we did our self-introduction during our freshmen orientation program, I made sure to portray myself as the shy and closed off type but soon enough, people started to talk to me and of course, I tried my best to sustain the conversation albeit I’m only giving very short answers. People being people, just couldn’t catch the hint that I want to be left alone, continued talking to me, thinking that I am probably the type of person that needs more time to warm up to them. Soon enough, to not seem rude, I conversed with them normally (like how a normal person would) and soon, my outgoing and cheerful persona began to take form. I mean, I want to be left alone, but I don’t want to be regarded as someone rude and unfortunately, there is no way around. Halfway through the year, I’m already exhausted to deal with those people from my class. There is just way too much drama going on and if I have to make a guess, it’s probably endless.

  Like, why do people make life so complicated? Why do people have to band together to outcast someone else? Don’t people ever try to feel what another person is feeling? How the fuck would you feel if I were to spread shit about you and make all your friends leave you? Not only that, I also fucking make sure you won’t get a chance to find any new friends by letting others have a bad impression on you. Is this game fun? Is this even a game at all? Is destroying someone’s confidence and make them unable to stand up for themselves for the rest of their lives, a game? How about those exact same people, suffer so much, they slip into depression and harm themselves. Does it still fucking look like a game to you? 

  I kinda just lost myself in my emotions a moment ago. I just cannot stand how some of my classmates are behaving, They are fucking demons and monsters hidden in human vessels and I’ve to see them in four days, kinda just dampened my mood.

  In any case, even though I am not mentally prepared for school, I dare say that I am about eighty-percent physically prepared. Ten percent of it is actually my sleeping routine and the other ten, let’s just say it’s probably my stationaries. I’ve bought a new school bag and it freaking costs fifty bucks! Here is a picture of the bag!

  I bought it at H&M yesterday and was overall quite happy with the bag. Of course, I still am!

  I am currently working on a mixtape (more like a mix disc). I buy those blank CDs from stores and burn songs into them. I am obviously NOT selling them. I mean, I’ve been reading a lot about these mixtapes. I really wanted to do one for myself. So... yeah! I’ve sourced for some really nice songs but most of the songs are just... not up to the feeling I’m going for. The feeling I’m going for is actually tranquility and a slight hint of pop to it with a dreamy feel. It’s kinda difficult to explain music because I don’t really know the exact type of genre I’m looking for. Some of the music/songs are actually on the music player so go ahead and listen to the playlist!

  Other than working on mixtape(s), I’m also picking up cooking! I’ve always been interested in cooking but I didn’t really motivate myself to buy the ingredients and cook but now I have. I made some chocolate chip pancakes and blueberry pancakes a few days ago and tried making crepes but failed terribly. The next dish I’m gonna experiment is called “Chicken Riggies”. It looks easy but I know not to underestimate any kind of dish.

  So.... yeah... That’s kinda what I’ve been up to during the past several days of not updating. The semester break is coming to an end and I definitely do not have time for leisure activities like the ones I’ve mentioned above but I guess I’ll figure out how to entertain myself on a school day.

  It’s 7am in the morning and I am really tired. I’ll do either one more or several updates before my break ends.

  Good night world.