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you close your eyes and there’s this immense feeling, it’s suffocating, it hurts and all you gotta and can do is hope and wait for it to pass by//

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There is comfort in death and for me i take too much comfort in in. There is something about it being so simple and yet it is so hard to do so. It’s the feeling of wanting to stop feeling and wanting to feel something at the same time. Wanting to die because you wanna feel alive.

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a winter story (book)

happy birthday yuki! (19.6.20)

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🅶🅸🆅🅴🅽 10 🅳🅰🆈🆂 🅲🅷🅰🅻🅻🅴🅽🅶🅴

Day 06: Favorite Episode      ↳ EᑭIᔕOᗪE 09 ✧ α ωιηтєʀ’ѕ ѕтσʀу 💘

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given for @rumprich

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given (2019)

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It’s been months since I last took Xanax for my panic attacks and the last time I have this super heavy feeling was when I was in the hospital but at least during that time I knew why but now I’m not quite sure what it is. I feel somehow disconnected and I’m not in control. All i know is I wanna cry it out, I wanna just breakdown. I’m so scared of school and I guess reality is just hitting me that I really have to go back, to that building and see people that I do not wanna see just because I’m afraid of what the would think and I know in reality they won’t even care let alone notice me but I just feel this pressure and I can;t seem to get it off and I feel like running away but I can’t. this is not my second chance, this my third chance at this and I’m still a mess and I should be grateful and lucky to be even able to afford an education and have the luxury to continue trying but that thought instead of pushing me it’s making me run away even more. Phase 2 happening in a matter of days, I’ve bee cooped up for so long that I’m not quite sure how are things gonna work out or how I’m gonna be able to function. I started the school term pretty good, I am focused but slowly I find myself getting off track like how it has been the past few years and I’m trying not to make the same mistakes again.

ugh but the medication are hitting me hard idk why. I am just one big confusion and frustration.

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"Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing.

It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution.

It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see them anymore or get a second job so you can have a savings account or figure out a way to accept yourself so that you’re not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything, all the time and then needing to take deliberate, mandated breaks from living to do basic things like drop some oil into a bath and read Marie Claire and turn your phone off for the day.

A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.

It often means looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing. It is not satiating your immediate desires. It is letting go. It is choosing new. It is disappointing some people. It is making sacrifices for others. It is living a way that other people won’t, so maybe you can live in a way that other people can’t.

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends. It is deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.

If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.

It is no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination. It is learning how to stop trying to 'fix yourself' and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place.

It means being the hero of your life, not the victim. It means rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from. It is no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good. It is giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others. It is being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked. It is meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people.

It is becoming the person you know you want and are meant to be. Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life – not escape from it." —Brianna Wiest

On 1st January 2020, I wrote a list of things I wanna do/change/ for this year. I can’t believe we are halfway 2020 and I feel like some many things has happened but I’ve barely done anything. 

Some few things I wanna reflect on.

1. “I need to be more sociable, make new friends no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it gets. Pretend it is just one of your Tinder/HER meet up because you can’t go through Architecture alone”

I was a little scared because of the whole Covid situation classes has become online and it’s gonna last for one whole semester. But because of the group projects I managed to make friends or ta least be able to talk to my classmates and honestly that’s already a big thing for me. I’m not sure what’s gonna happen when we go back to school but I’m gonna keep trying.

2. “See a counselor often”

Okay this is one that I’m not doing pretty well. I haven’t seen my counselor for like 6 months, but also because of the whole deferment and covid situation. Though I’ve been going for my doctor’s appointment and catching up with my medications (sorta) but there are times I forget or will have a period of time I don’t have enough medicine because I didn’t plan out my schedule properly. Gotta work on that and also I’ve been trying to get in contact with my counselor gahhhhh.

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Soon enough, you will find that someone who will let you sleep soundly at 2 AM. The one who will put extra glow in your smile. The one who will find a way to reach your chest—even it seems lightyears away.

The one who won’t be a distraction when you’re doing your priorities. The one who will drive you away from your series of doubts. The one who won’t change their mind in loving you—even if you’re being at your most clingy or most weird.

The one who knows which path to take, mistakes to avoid, and how to make it up to you. The one who will show you the northern lights just by looking in their eyes. The one who won’t put additional weight in your shoulders. The one who won’t care if you’re not good at geography, singing out of tune, or being crazy at 1 PM.

Soon enough, you will find that someone. The one who may not know why they love you, but the one who knows exactly why they are staying.

—Aaron Arciaga

I found that someone

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The Universe and Us

We have our own Universe.

Before meeting each other, our universe crossed paths with different people who played different parts in our lives but our Universe and theirs are not meant to align and they were just passers-by that’s why they didn’t stay. 

They were just part of the journey, like a passenger on a bus you happened to have a conversation with, perhaps they told you something they know, and you learned from it or they said something mean and hurt you or some would even lie to you. You may or may have not liked talking to these people but one way or another they must alight at their stop and leave and so do you. 

I wasn’t another passenger and we didn’t meet on the bus. I wasn’t even taking the same bus. But somehow, at the same time, at the right time, at the right place we both alighted of our own bus and we met at the bus stop. 

 Meeting you felt so right, it was as if the the whole universe is telling me that this is what is meant to happen. Everything is how it is meant to be; everything has fallen in its right place .

Our Universe is meant to collide and align

You asked me why we exist; I can’t tell you why because I don’t know either and I’m still figuring it out, but I do know meeting you was one of it. 

The bad things, the good things, things that made me cry and feel like giving up, things that made me love or hate this world, all the heartbreaks and pain. All those things had to happen because otherwise I would have never met you.

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“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ― Bob Marley

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Your Kiss

I love the way you kiss me in the morning, I love the way you wake up in the middle of the night to tell me you love me as you give me a kiss on the forehead. I love the way your kiss makes me feel so safe, and warmth radiates from the spot where your lips just touch , slowly spreading through the rest of me. I love how your kiss is filled with so much passion that it ignites the fire buried deep inside of my heart and my soul. Call me corny, but I literally feel sparks flies every time your lips touch mine. Your hand caressing my cheek oh so tender and full of love. I love how your kiss can be soft and gentle, not trying to win a battle but instead seeking union and closeness and at the same time can be rough and Intense and still make me feel the same way. 

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💫

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“I will stand beside you, championing your growth I will not demand that you change for me I only ask that you change for the better I want to see you grow As I stand alongside you As humans we are so complex, There is immense depth to minds and souls How selfish would it be for me to think I could be everything for you So Instead, I’ll be everything I am Letting you be everything you are And going forward, we’ll face everything together “

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“I am teaching myself how to take up space. How to not apologize constantly for the way I live and breathe. How an apology isn’t something I am supposed to say before I speak in a conversation. How I’m so sorry, isn’t something I have to say before I just allow myself the basic right of speaking about anything. I am teaching myself that I am allowed to exist on this planet without thinking of myself as a burden. How to not apologize for things that are out of my control. How to understand when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking the worst of myself and most of all how to stop thinking the very worst of myself as I deserve better than that from myself. I am teaching myself that humans can exist without assuming the very worst about themselves and how the people around them perceive them. How to not apologize when someone bumps into me and I immediately assume it is my fault. How to not apologize when I ask a question because I think others will think I am stupid. How to love myself for these flawed bits of me no one has ever wanted to love before. I am teaching myself that all the lies my abusers told me about myself were so very wrong. How I am allowed to make mistakes. How as long as I apologize and amend things, anything is fixable if I still have love in my heart for the other person. How not everything that has ever gone wrong in every relationship is my fault. I am finally learning how to take up space as a human being. It’s taken a long, long road to get here. And I still have a very long way to go before I am done understanding that it is my job to take up space, that I am not just an afterthought or a secondary character in this gift of life I have been given. That who I am is not an apology, that who I am is not wrong.” —@Nikita_Gill, On Learning How To Take Up Space #TodaysMantra⁣ ⁣ artwork by @c.c.russo https://www.instagram.com/p/CACnJ3AA0Ek/?igshid=pzp9tsf0tv6c