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HMB: Silent Night Deadly Night 5

Original Publishing Date: December 22nd, 2018

Merry Christmas and other holidays, my loyal losers. X-Mas is just around the corner, and so it's high time for me to review a Christmas themed horror film! The last two years I spent the month reviewing Christmas horror movies, but I couldn't find any new ones this year, so instead I'll just review one. Guess what it is? The title of the post? How did you know? Much like the forth film, Silent Night Deadly Night 5 has nothing to do with the first three films, and instead focuses on its own story. This movie is about a kid who witnesses his father get killed by a toy that was packaged to him. For the rest of the movie, he refuses to speak, cause... Trauma. We're introduced to a toy maker and his son... Joe Petto and Pinno. Well jeez... I wonder what they're alluding to with those names... Anyways, toy start killing people and we, the audience, have to figure out what's going on. It's a mystery without a detective. But as soon as you hear the name of the toy maker and his son, you can predict to a tee what the plot is to this movie. It's a "dark" version of Pinocchio. Well... No. That would be interesting, it's more like "character who we thought was normal but turns out to be a toy". I'll admit, that idea could be interesting, but it's the fifth installment of Silent Night Deadly Night, so you know it won't be good. I will say it's better than the fourth film. Now, let's get into the meat and potatoes of this failed Irish stew. The only reason why the kid remains silent for the entire film is so the husband's murder can remain a mystery. So this kid witnesses his dad get brutally murdered by a toy, but for whatever reason, decides to keep the toy. Okay, to be fair to his dumpster fire, I think what they were trying to communicate was that the mother put the toy in his room, cause she doesn't know it's a death trap, and since the boy sleeps in his mother's room for the entire movie, he never knew the toy was there. Still... How could the police not identify the cause of death? It wasn't like the death was subtle, the thing grabbed onto his face and electrocuted him. I'm pretty sure that would leave a mark. I know that sounds like nitpicking, but I think this movie would have been a lot more interesting if there was a detective character following the clues up to the toy maker, rather than have the mom and son be out of the blue with the whole thing. Let's talk about death. The first three deaths (well, one was a brutality), are very underwhelming. The idea of killer toy could be fun if used properly. Then the babysitter and her 30 year old boyfriend get killed. Why do I have a sinking suspicion that all the budget went into those scenes? That was the only part of the film that was fun to watch. It's just as you wanted, toys killing people. Normally I favor more subtle horror over gore feasts, but there was nothing else in the movie, so I took what I was given. Let's talk about the cast, to wrap up this review. Mickey Rooney, rest in peace. You'll be remembered for Breakfast at Tiffany's, It's a Mad x4 World, and countless others... But boy howdy, was it weird to see you in a killer toy movie. Also, whoever played Pinno, he was channeling his inner Eric Freeman. Too bad he was in the film for, like, ten minutes. I would have loved to see him overact some more. So obviously no one's going to go out of their way to watch this film. I'm just reporting from the battlefield. My final thoughts are this is not the worst in the franchise, and honestly, this might be the closest to being an actual film in the whole franchise, but that's not saying much. 

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Top Ten Best THMBs of 2018

Original Publishing Date: December 15th, 2018

Well, it's that time of year again, when I look back at all the horror movies I watched over the year and decide which were the best and which were the worst. As a reminder to those who haven't had their New Year hymens broken yet, this isn't a list of movies that came out this year, but those I watched as part of my Thursday/Friday Horror Movie Blog. But before I get into the grit and dirty, there's something I need to announce. I've been giving this some thought, and since there were weeks this year where I skipped THMBs due to my lack of investment and enjoyment, I decided that I'm going to end the Horror Movie Blog... So I can expand it to any movie I want to watch. That's right, not just horror movies. Adventure. Syfy. Romantic Comedy. Goose Punk. Whatever I feel like that week, that's what I'm going to watch. Of coarse, there will still be horror, and I'm going to favor horror over any other genre because it's my favorite, but I realize this is my only opportunity ever week to watch stuff due to my busy schedule. And since there's so many movies I've been meaning to watch, I felt like this is a great way of finally knocking them off my list. So look forward to those in the next year. With that said, let's just jump into it. Here are my favorite films I watched during THMB this year. 10. Repulsion When I first saw this movie, I gave it a glowing review and labeled it as a new favorite. But it's been months since that viewing, and looking back, I might have over thought the movie. Don't get me wrong, I still admire it, and think it deserves the recognition it gets, but I realize so much stuff in the movie was just there to be pretentious art house film stuff. I have a feeling if I watched this again I'll notice all the unnecessary additions to it that doesn't really need to be in it. However, I understand those pretentious, weird moments are what gives the movie it's atmosphere and tone, so getting rid of them would render the film. Still, if there was ever a film that I would label pretentious, it would be this. I still liked it, but it wasn't the master piece that I claimed it to be, so I gave it the lowest spot on the list.   9. Trick r Treat My enjoyment of this film comes down to atmosphere. I wanted something to get me into the Halloween mood and this film did just that. Despite not finding the individual plots to be predictable and pointless at times, I was invested and did find them interesting. I still love how they all take place on the same night in the same town, a trait that I wish more anthology series took advantage of. If you were a fan of Krampus, you'll be a fan of this. 8. Kuroneko The latest movie to show up on my list, Kuroneko was more like a dark fairy tale than a horror film, but still managed to creep me out. It kept my attention throughout the film, and there were times where I had no idea what was coming up next in the plot, subverting my expectations. And the ending was fantastic too, leaving it up to the audience to interrupt its meaning and what happened. Add on top of that memorable visuals and a compelling story, and you got yourself an underrated classic. 7. Red Dragon Many people say that Red Dragon is superior to Silence of the Lambs, and after watching the film, I agree. The dynamic between the main character and Hannibal Lector was spot on, the B-plot of the Tooth Fairy was heart breaking and terrifying, and it was all paced together perfectly... Okay, the ending was a but tacked on, but that's a nitpick compared to the rest of the film. It's weird how this movie doesn't get half the recognition Silence of the Lambs get. I mean, Philip Seymour Hoffman gets set on fire and rolled down a hill in a wheelchair. What happened in Silence again? Oh right, a bunch of fat lady get skinned. Yeah, case close. 6. A Quiet Place I feel bad watching so many good horror films this year, cause many of them could have easily made it to the #1 spot if I watched a bunch of shit. But I didn't, cause believe it or not, I'd like to enjoy my Friday nights, so many great films get low rankings this year. But make no mistake, A Quiet Place is still a fantastic horror film. The simple act of making noise has life or death consequences in this universe, creating a show don't tell movie where you're always on the end of your seat. But of coarse, the thing that splits people is the ending, where it kind of feels like a cheap out. I mean... It has to end on something, I guess, but still, it makes you scratch your head and question the rules of this universe. Still, that doesn't undermine the rest of the film. Fantastic film. 5. Cube Six people trapped in cube, which is made up of thousands of other cubes. They need to work together in order to get out, but that proves to be more difficult than it seems. My enjoyment of the film comes from its simple idea but great execution, how the characters solve the ultimate puzzle of the film, and the nerve racking suspense when you realize that not everyone's buddy-buddy with each other. There's a common theme I see in these list selections, that the ending didn't really land the plane right. I heard people complain about this movie's ending too, but... I don't know, I kind of like it. Again, the ending doesn't ruin the movie. Please check it out if you like SyFY-horror. 4. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? On this list we have aliens, cannibals, vampire-cat-spirits and goblin in a halloween mask. Yet what's scarier than all of them? An old lady. A very disturbed old lady, who's only victim is her crippled sister. And that's good enough for me. The amount of agony this poor women goes through due to her cunt of a sister is horrible. Yet they never truly villainfy Baby Jane, as we see clearly she's just a poor old woman trying to reclaim what little fame she has left, her only stardom in the world. I might sound like a broken record again, but the "twist" at the end didn't really add much to the rest of the film. Yet I think even the film knows this, for it's not lingered that long. I don't know, maybe it serves a purpose, but to me, it didn't really add anything, nor changed anything. Still, a great movie. 3. Hausu I really wanted to place Hausu as #1, it was so memorable and enjoyable that I felt like it deserved the spot. But there's two more who do, so it's three. That being said, I love Hausu. The amount of creativity that shines in this movie, how it experiments with what can be scary and what can be funny, and somehow successfully makes an effective horror-comedy is just mind boggling. And that's a perfect word to describe this film, mind-boggling. If this isn't the best horror film I saw this year, it's defiantly the best horror-comedy. More people need to see this film. I heard the director wanted to make a Jaws like movie, but for Japan. Well, if what he meant was a movie that rivaled Jaws in creative film making, then yes, I think it did. 2. Hereditary When you really think about it, Hereditary's plot is fairly simple; someone dies and they try to contact the spirit. Yet how the execute this plot is what earned this #2 spot. The framing of the camera, the pacing of the plot, the disturbing imagery, all wrapped together with suspense, wondering what will happen next. And you're going to hate me for saying this, but... The ending is the weakest part. Yeah-yeah, I know. Cop out. But did feel a little weird when you spent the whole movie guessing what was going to happen, only to get a solid answer at the end which makes you go... Really? That's what this film was building up to? But who cares about the destination, it was journey there that made Hereditary the second best horror film of the year. But what's the best, you might ask? Well keep reading, dummy. 1. The VVitch But... I can't understand what the characters are saying! Fuck you. But... Nothing happens! Fuck you. But... It's set in old people times! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. This is one of the best horror films I have ever seen. If you call yourself a horror movie fan and you hated this film... That is your opinion and I respect you. Also fuck you. This is one of the few films that I can call disturbing. It takes a corny horror movie monster, a witch, and reminds us why people were afraid of these things. Not only that, but the attention to detail. From the costumes, to the sets, to the effects. My God... Everything just stands out in my head. And there's so many memorable scenes. God, seeing the negative reception this movie got just makes my blood boil. How can you be bored by this? Just... How? How small is your attention span if this is considered "long"? Whatever, go watch American Horror Story or something if you can't wait ten minutes for something spooky to happen. This movie is great, and I reward it the #1 horror film of the year. Okay... I went off the rails on that last one. Again, this is just my opinion, my tastes, my experience. If you like/hate any of these films, that's perfectly fine and I'm sure you have a valid reason why. Just as long as you gave the movie a chance, that's all I expect of people. With that said, it was fun walking down the horror road with all of you, but it's time to embark on new territories. And I'll see you then. 

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HMB: Kuroneko

Original Publishing Date: December 15th, 2018

Get your paddle kids, cause we're kayaking back to Japan for some good old fashion horror. Kuroneko, or "A Black Cat in the Bamboo Groove", is about two women who are raped and killed by samurai. As revenge, they return from the grave as vengeful cat-spirits, killing any samurai they find. But... OH NO! Their son/husband comes back from war as a samurai! Hilarity ensues, and by hilarity, I mean depression. While this is definitely a horror movie, it's more "haunting" than scary. Here's what I mean; the visuals are the strongest element of the film. There's this scene where one of the woman flips over the samurai on his horse, giving the appearance that she's flying. I know it sounds cheesy the way I describe it, but trust me, when you first seen it you get that feeling of haunting. Now, that's not to say there isn't terrifying things about the movie, my jaw dropped by the first ten minutes because of what happened. But if I could describe the movie as a whole, it wouldn't be "horror" but "haunting". And that's not a bad thing. The real star of the show is the story. It's that classic "be careful what you wish for" story, just much, much more tragic. It's inspired by a classic Japanese tale, and it really shows. And don't worry when the film gets too "confusing", they explain everything very clearly. But that leaves the final thing about the plot I want to talk about; the ending. You know me, I love it when a film leaves things up to interpretation, and this film is no exception. I don't want to spoil it, but it's a great way to end the film. You're left with two options to believe, neither is peaches and cream, but could be depending on your view of the situation. Overall, this isn't the scariest Japanese horror film I've ever seen, but boy howdy was it fun to watch. Lots of haunting visuals, a compelling story, and fun effects. I love discovering obscure films like this, makes my week. Go check it out if your a fan of this type of stuff. 

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HMB: Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Original Publishing Date: December 1st, 2018

Sorry, going to have to stretch the horror movie title a bit to include this classic, seeing how I've always wanted to watch it. Close Encounters, when compared to the rest of Spielberg's films, can be easily overlooked. However, if you watch this movie without knowing who was behind it, you'd be amazed. Close Encounters has some pretty breathe taking special effects, and the way the shot is framed at some scenes gives the whole movie this ominous yet artistic feel to it. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's discuss the plot. Close Encounters is about a man named Roy who witnessed several UFO's, and in the aftermath of the sighting, keeps having visions of an odd looking mountain. Meanwhile, the government is getting ready to make contract with the aliens, all the while trying to cover up the big day. I know I sound like a broken record here, but I love movies that lets you figure out the plot on your own. In fact, I don't think they ever use the word "alien" in the entire movie. Sure, there's some information they direct your way, but it never feels forced or expositionlly. It all flows organically. The down side is this makes the movie two hours long, but I was so attached to the movie I never even noticed. So that's another thing I'll say, it has some great pacing. Now, this isn't technically a horror film. The atmosphere is creepy, and some of the scenes in this movie can get border line Poltergeist, however, the movie seems more focused on science fiction elements than horror elements. And I guess the "positive" ending kind of also debunks the idea of this being a horror film, however, when you really think about it, the ending is kind of disturbing. I won't get into details cause I don't want to spoil it, but it's very bitter-sweet even though the film was trying to be just sweet. It's also important for me to note that I only saw the original, I didn't see the director's cut or special cut or anything like that. Why? Cause ET, that's why. Anyways, let me address what I didn't like about the film, though I wouldn't call these issues, more like nit picks. As mentioned before, Richard Dreyfus's character, Roy, keeps getting these visions of a mountain. He sees them everywhere, in shaving cream, in mashed potatoes, and in pillows. Yet the idea of the vision being a mountain is suppose to be somewhat of a surprise. Yet, what else could it have been? I figured it out by the third hint that what he is seeing is a mountain. Now, in terms of plot, there's nothing wrong with that, obviously Spielberg wanted Roy to discover the mountain while watching TV. However, in terms of character, if a big old dummy like me could figure out this was a mountain by the third guess, then why couldn't Roy? Why Roy look at the peak like image, make the connection of the only other thing that could resemble a peak, and look up what would match that? Why did it take him so long to figure this out? But to hang this over the movie's head would be an insult, for such a tiny plot hole is filled up with stunning imagery and special effects. Yeah-yeah, old fart criticism, but practically effects look so fucking good, why don't more directors choose this over CGI, especially in horror! There's nothing scary about a CGI model in a haunted house movie, but the moving clouds in this movie where ten times scarier cause you don't know what you're looking at. Yes, it's fake, but how is it fake? How did they do that? With CGI, we know how they did it, computers. Yawn. Final thoughts, some would say this movie is up there with Jaws, E.T and Indiana Jones as some of Spielberg's best early work. Other will say this is an underrated classic because it's in the same catalogue as Jaws, E.T and Indiana Jones. Whatever the reason is, I hope more people check out this film and appreciate it's story telling and effects. 

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HMB: Deliverance

Original Publishing Date: November 24th, 2018

 Yet another movie that isn't technically horror, but is still horrifying none of the less. Deliverance is about four city boys going for a canoe trip down a river before it's destroyed by the development of a dam. And I'm going to stop right here and address something; it is impossible to talk about this film without spoiling it, so... Spoiler alert. Anyways, half way through the movie, two of the characters are ambushed by hill billies and violently raped. The rapist is killed, and the men try to cover up the death. There's really only one thing I want to talk about in this movie, and obviously, it's the rape scene. The rape scene is the movie's most famous scene. Nearly fifty years since this movie came out and it's still one of the most shocking scenes I've ever seen. But the funny thing is, the rape has nothing to do with the movie. The movie is about the men covering up their murder, and the fact that one of them got raped is never brought up again in the film. It leaves no emotional impact on the character nor the story and if it was taken out it wouldn't make much of a difference in the movie. In fact, it might have made the movie better. Here's the thing, the whole point of the film is for them men to escape the river, in doing so, escape the murder they just committed. There's a dilemma where they need to decide whether to leave the body and not tell anyone or tell the police. They decide not to tell the police and instead fabricate their stories. But... Why? There's no reason for them to lie to the police. Just tell them the truth, you were attacked and raped and the murder was out of self defense. They make it seem like this is a moral dilemma. It's not. They are completely in the right. Burt Reynolds character said something about being tried by a jury who could be made up of the rapist's family members... But... You have three people who witnessed the rape... The guy probably still has the sperm up his bum-hole... No. I'm sorry, this decision to cover up the murder and brush off the rape is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen in a movie. If the point of the movie was to make us feel like these men committed a crime and they need to hold a secret for the rest of their lives, then the man they killed shouldn't have been a rapist! Make him a random hunter who was hit by one of the men's bow arrows, or something like that. Not someone who deserved to die. Now, I don't want this review to seem negative, so I'll end it with some positives. I don't want to call it practical effects, but this movie looks so real. What sold it to me were the dead bodies, I kept forgetting these are actors pretending to be dead. And there was some very dangerous shit in this movie, like trying the bodies to the side of the canoe, which could have drowned the actor, or hoisting them down a mountain, suspending them from a rope, or float down a real rapid river. Don't get the wrong idea, I thought it was a good movie, but man, that massive plot hole is so fucking gapping and massive to just ignore. It did kind of ruin the movie for me, for I was constantly thinking back to it as I was watching it. It's a great outdoors movie, and a great thriller, but in terms of overall story, it'll just call it good. 

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HMB: What We Do in the Shadows

Original Publishing Date: November 17th, 2018

This was on top of my list of movies to see. I have heard nothing but good things about it, with many people praising it for it's comedy. I held off on it for so long out of fear of becoming jealous. After working on Crow's Peak for over a year, I was afraid they'd make a similar joke I made and I'd feel guilty cause it would seem like I stole from them... But you know what? Who gives a shit. So I finally watched it. And everyone was right! It's a fantastic comedy. I often think that review comedies on this blog is cheated for they are not true horror films. But fuck it, I don't want to watch another student film about a single mother in a haunted house. What We Do in the Shadows is a mockumentry about five vampires, a Dracula like vampire, a Lestat like vampire, a Nosferatu like vampire, another Lestat like vampire, and a freshly made vampire. The entire film is just a window into the lives of these five, with the general plot being around the new vampire adjusting to life as a vampire. It's chock full of sight gags, puns, dry humor and most importantly, parody. I think this is one of the best parodies to come out in recent years, if you can call it a parody. Yes, believe it or not, you don't have to remake a movie word for word except with toilet humor in order to be labeled "parody". But it's not just funny jokes and vampire references, there's also a lot to admire about the film. The set is a whole lot of fun, with the outside looking like a typical loft, only for the inside to look like something out of the Addams Family. The make up and costumes are also wonderful, especially on Peter, the Nosferatu vampire. But without a doubt the most impressive thing about the movie are all the vampire effects. Whether it be levitation, transforming into a bat, or biting into someone's neck, they all look genuine. Despite being a silly comedy, the film makers took extra care to make it look like we are actually following the lives of five vampires. And finally, the last thing I'll talk about is the humor. How this movie executes parody is by having these gothic vampires, straight out of their respected movies, interact with the real world. It shows the ridiculousness of the vampire by having them do mundane, common things like clean the dishes or go out to a bar. And I also love how the vampires don't behave like stereotypical vampires, and instead that they act like children, which makes the film a whole lot more fun. The only serious vampire is Peter, which makes it all the more funny. Overall, if you haven't seen this movie yet, please do. It's one of the funniest films of recent years, and if you're a vampire fan like me, you'll especially love it. 

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HMB: Hereditary

Original Publishing Date: November 10th, 2018

Welp, at long last, I've finally saw what has been hailed as the scariest movie of the year. Never have I seen a horror movie get this much praise. So I've kept in the dark so I'd be surprise when I saw it. And after watching it, yes, I agree, this is the best horror movie of the year. The movie is about a family in grieving over the death of the matriarch of the family. Okay, it's not as much grieving as it is relief, cause grandma was a pain in their asses. Then another death happens, which causes real grief. What follows is a rabbit hole down insanity, full of witchcraft, séances, ghosts, demons, sleepwalking, poltergeists, and other spooky stuff. But to tell you the truth, a majority of the movie, as well as the scares, are not supernatural, but rather the relationship between the mother and the rest of the family. This is one of those movies where if you try to analyze it with a magnify glass to see if all the different plot points add up in the end, you won't get the answer you want, nor should you. This is a movie fueled purely on emotion, and stuff happens not because of any motivational reason but for what feels right in the scene. I have often talked about how in order for a horror movie to get my gold medal of approval they need to do three things; twist my guts (make me disgusted), break my heart, and boggle my mind. This movie successfully does all three. It twists my guts with some of the visuals, one in particular at the end actually made my jaw drop. It broke my heart cause, you know, it's about grief, so of coarse it's goanna tug at your heart strings. And finally, the hardest one to do, it boggles my mind by constantly keeping me guessing. Every time I tried to predict where the plot was going, it took me on a different route. To me, this is the ultimate horror, for as creature of logic and reason, when we witness something that goes against knowledge or our understanding, it shakes up our core. Now, this is the hardest horror to do, because you can easily just make a stupid movie where the strange occurrences isn't a clever way to make spooks but because the film maker didn't know what they were doing. And ironically, much like another praised horror this year, A Quiet Place, the weakest element in this movie, in my opinion, is the ending. At the end of the day, the movie's main tool for scaring us is the unknown. And at the end, it gives us an answer. The movie would be so much better if they didn't do that. Now that there's an answer, some asshat is going to go back to the movie and point out all the times the motivation of the bad guy doesn't make any sense. Now, I make this criticism sometimes too, but the difference here is that this is a film rooted in emotion, so motivation of the bad guy doesn't really matter. But still, it would have been a lot better if we were kept guessing instead of given an answer. But besides all that, this is truly a masterpiece. And there is so much more to talk about. I might watch this again in the future, just to pick up on all the stuff I missed. If you haven't checked out this movie yet, please do. After watching horror movies for years, I have become unfazed by scares. This movie scared me. Take that as you will. 

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HMB: As Above So Below

Original Publishing Date: November 3rd, 2018

You know, I should know better by now that a title like "As Above So Below" is a warning for bad things to come. As Above So Below is about a scientist woman, her friends and some tomb raiders exploring the catacombs underneath France. Their goal is to find the philosopher's stone, which scientist lady thinks is somewhere in the maze. Now, the idea sounds pretty cool. An adventure in the claustrophobic world of the French catacombs. How do you ruin it? Three ways. One, hand held camera. Two, Mary Sue. Three, tell, don't show. That's how you ruin a premise like this. Let's start in order. If you are going to make a movie with a hand held camera, don't do it as a means of being cheap, do it because it's the best perspective for the movie. As much as people like to knock it, the Blair Witch Project takes advantage of it's shaky camera to deliver a terrifying experience. In this movie, it's so obviously an excuse for shitting film making. Add on top of that stock sound effects and you got something that feels more amateur than professional. I bet Universal Picture were proud they funded this, huh? Second, the main character. Believe it or not, having a female lead with now flaws and all the answers is a BAD thing. Not only does that suck all the trills and tension out of the movie, but it's beyond frustrating when it's repeated over and over again. The formula for every scene this character did is engraved in my head. It goes like this: characters stumble on something, Mary Sue knows on the top of her head what it is and it's backstory, in a matter of seconds figures out the "puzzle" that the things poses, Mary Sue attempts to solve puzzle while other characters try telling her it's impossible, and scene ends with Mary Sue opening a secret passage. Want to know the difference between this character and someone like Indiana Jones? The puzzles Indiana Jones solves are actually clever, like using sand to expose an invisible bridge. The puzzles in this movie are not puzzles, they are memory tests that only someone as smart as our Mary Sue can solve. It helps if the main character are on the same brain wave as the audience, otherwise they seem like a, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh right. A Mary Sue. Finally, the golden rule of film making is broken; show don't tell. I swear to God there isn't a quiet moment in this film. Every single second is a character spouting exposition, arguing, or just desperate attempts at comic relief. Again, in Indiana Jones, we see him solve the puzzle. Indiana doesn't lecture us about the puzzle and then tells us how he's going to solve it. So add those three elements together and you don't get an adventure-horror movie, you get a headache. This might actually be one of the worst movies I've seen this year. Please, do yourself a favor, and avoid this movie, unless you want to take some Ibuprofen tonight. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB BONUS: The Halloween Tree

Original Publishing Date: November 1st, 2018

Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know, this isn't a "horror" movie in the loosest terms, but fuck it, it was Halloween, I didn't want to watch Halloween 78: Michael Myers Does His Taxes. So instead I watched one of the greatest underrated classics of all time, the Halloween Tree, not to be confused with the Christmas Tree, which is a fever dream of shit. Halloween Tree is about a group of trick or treaters who learn that their best mate has been taken to the hospital, which means he'll be missing all the Halloween fun. But hold on! The kids thought they saw him running into the woods! After following him, they end up at a spooky haunted house, owned by a very ugly man voiced by the late Leonard Nimoy. This ugly man is annoyed that the kids are so dense about Halloween's origins, that, and the missing friend stole one of his pumpkins. What results is a trip through history, as ugly man teaches the kids about the origins about their favorite monsters while tracking down the missing kid and the stolen pumpkin. The magic of this special is learning as you watch what the implications of the story are. As you go along you learn more and more why the missing kid stole the pumpkin and who the ugly man really is. And to be honest, when I was a kid and I saw this special for the first time, I was kind of scared by it. Not to give away anything, but you kind of get a jest of the stakes by the first ten minutes of the film. But it's not just a spooky Halloween special to play over Great Pumpkin Strikes Back, no, it's an educational piece as well! The ugly man teaches the kids about the monsters they are dressed up as. Well... Okay, legends related to the monster their dressed up as, I think it's pretty obvious where skeletons come from. Now, I didn't do my research, cause I'm a lazy fuck, so I can't comment on how truthful the facts ugly man says are. I mean, they sound factual. But I don't know, some stuff feel less authentic then others. Call me crazy, but I don't think ancient Egyptians took their dead parents out of their tombs to eat soup with them. But that's just a hunch. And of coarse I can't talk about this movie without mentioned what it was based on. This is based on the story by Ray Bradbury, who's name I only know from that Rachael Bloom song. From what I can gather the only real difference between the book and the movie is that the book was about a group of boys while the movie has one girl in it. Well, to wrap up this entry, I love this movie. It's extremely charming, it's full of Halloween goodness, the animation is wonderful, and it's defiantly and underrated classic. 

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HMB: Halloween 3

Original Publishing Date: October 28th, 2018

While it's common knowledge amongst the horror movie community, not that many people know that the third installment of the Halloween franchise has nothing to do with any of the other movies. No Michael Myers, no continuity with the other movies; it's its own stand alone film. The idea behind this change being that the film makers wanted the franchise to be an anthology series, with a new story taking place on Halloween. Now, I think that's a pretty fun idea. There's just one problem; this movie sucked. Yes, this has gained a cult following, mostly due to the unfair treatment it got back when it first released, but there's a reason why the franchise went back to Michael Myer. The movie is about a doctor investigating the death of one of his patients. He ends up at a company called Silver Shamrock, which is run by a mad man who wants to resurrect the ancient traditions of Celtic Halloween by using the masks he makes as a means to mass murder. Now do you get why this anthology series never took off? The sharp contract of this movie in the Michael Myers movies turned off a lot of people. If they'd just made a more down to earth horror film instead of this, then I could see this anthology idea paying off. But instead they went with a very bizarre idea, something Halloween fans are not use to. But that's besides the point, it's not just the overall plot that makes this movie suck. It's very, very boring. The kills are not as impressive as they were in the last two Halloween movies, the characters feel bland and forgettable, and there really isn't much to suck you in. Although, to be fair, I knew the story going in. Maybe it would have been a better experience if I saw it with a blind eye. But I doubt it. Look, if you like this film, great, more power to you. I just found it boring. I don't care if it doesn't have Michael Myers in it, I just want a good horror movie. And this movie felt more like a Goosebumps episode than the follow up of the Halloween. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB BONUS: Halloween 2018

Original Publishing Date: October 21st, 2018

So last night I saw the new Halloween Movie, the "true" sequel to the Halloween franchise. Yep, that's right. Dr. Loomis didn't blown up Micheal Myers, Michael isn't Jamie Lee Curtis's sister, and all the shit about paganism is scrapped too. So what did happen? Well, after the events of the first Halloween, Michael Myers was arrested off screen and brought to a mental hospital where he'd spent the last 40(I think) years. Jamie Lee Curtis's character, on the other hand, became a paranoid shut in, turning her house into a death trap, just in case Michael Myers ever showed his pale face ever again. Because of this, Jamie doesn't have the best relationship with her family, as they think she's a nut case. Well, turns out while moving Michael to another hospital, he escaped and starts killing people all over again. Now Jamie Lee Curtis can finally put all that equipment to use to kill her archenemy. Will she succeed? So overall, the movie was okay. It's wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. It was down the middle. I guess it depends who you are whether or not you'll like this movie. Let me start with what I like. The score. Sick of bland horror movie music? Well, here comes John Carpenter to save the day. That's right, you get his iconic music once more. And it's great, it gives the movie it's own unique atmosphere. And before you ask, yes, they play the theme (what a stupid question). And like always, Michael Myers is badass as ever. He's not my favorite slasher villain, but I understand why people like him. I was in a theatre full of teens. I was worried he'll get the grandpa treatment. Nope. The king of the slashers scared the emoji craps out of those teens. That alone was worth the price of admission. Now let's talk about what I didn't like. While I liked Jamie Lee Curtis and thought her revenge arch was cool, it didn't really feel like an arch cause she never learned anything by the end. I thought Curtis would learn not to be so paranoid, but at the end, it was for the best she was so bat shit crazy. This doesn't make the movie or the character bad, but it's more admirable, in my opinion, when a character goes through an arch were their negative personality traits are replaced with positive ones. It makes the film feel more complete. Another thing I didn't like was the "twist" by the end. I won't give it away (even though I would argue it really isn't a twist), but it leads no where and I think was only in the movie so that the characters could get to point A to point B. It was necessary, or if they did decide to keep it, have it be more important to the story. A nitpick I have is the lack of Halloween atmosphere. This doesn't take points off the movie, but I love the Halloween ascetic and you don't really get a whole lot of it in this movie. Sure, there's kids in costumes, Halloween dances and trick or treaters, but it doesn't really scream Halloween to me. Although, to be fair, the other movies had the same problem, so I'll let it slide. But my biggest complaint is kind of a spoiler. So don't read this paragraph if you want to see the movie. You've been warned. Alright, all throughout the movie, they were hinting at the possibility of not only seeing Myer's face for the first time (at least intentionally), but we'll also hear him speak. Throughout the movie I was excited for this. I wanted to see the Shadow talk. Spoiler alert, he didn't. Again, this didn't ruin the film, but it made it feel incomplete. It makes this film feel less like a sequel and more like an afterthought. The only closure we get is that Curtis finally gets her revenge on Michael. That's it. But I wanted more from this movie. So it depends where you stand on narritive whether or not you'll like this movie. If you're fine with just a simple revenge story and Michael Myers going around killing people, you'll be satisfied. However, if you demand more out of a movie and were expecting more, you will probably not like this movie. I thought this movie was okay. It is no where close to being "bad", but it's not going to be a film people will look back with admiration. Basically, it's a Halloween sequel. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: A Quiet Place

Original Publishing Date: October 20th, 2018

Welp, better late than never. The Quiet Place is a film where none of the characters talk, but instead, they communicate with sign language. If they make a sound, a large monster will come out of the woods and eat them. The movie is a glimpse into this nightmare world and the struggles of the people living in it. If you're sick and tired of people talking about how great this movie is, fuck you, because it deserves it. A Quiet Place is one of the best horror films I have ever seen. The fact it was able to turn the concept of making sound into a product of suspense is original, engaging and horrifying. But of coarse the best thing about this film is, because there's no dialogue, its strictly show don't tell. Everything we learn about this world and the characters come from visuals and performance. One of the best examples of this is the deaf girl. Whenever it cuts to her, there's no noise. We quickly figure out that she's deaf. This is shit I wish movie that aren't mute tried to do. There is so much you can convey with just direction and music that film makers don't take advantage of. I guess my only complaint with the film is the ending. Not to give anything away, but it felt kind of tacky. I don't know, the movie was feeling so realistic up to that point then it unloaded this plot hole onto us that makes us question the universe of the film a little more. Or at least that's I felt, maybe everyone else thought it was clever. Thankfully the ending doesn't ruin the movie. If you want a new and refreshing horror film, check out A Quiet Place. I guarantee you'll love it. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: Trick r Treat

Original Publishing Date: October 13th, 2018

I love halloween films, and of all the movies in this "genre", Trick r Treat is held on a golden pedestal as the THE halloween movie. I believe it's directed by the same guy who did Krampus, which I liked, so I was having high hopes for this movie. I sat down, watched it, and................... I liked it. Like any good Halloween themed movie, it's an anthology. There are four shorts in total (well, technically there's five, but I guess the cold opening doesn't count for some reason). What makes this film unique is that A, all the shorts have some sort of continuity between each other, whether it be one character cameoing in another short, and B, the shorts don't appear linear, but rather splice in together, as we jump back and forth with different stories. This allows the story to feel like it takes place on the same night while pacing out the shorts. This is something I wished another Halloween anthology movie, Tales of Halloween, did. It makes the movie feel more impactful and charming. But enough filler, let's dive into these shorts. The first short is about a school principal killing the fat kid from Bad Santa. This one is played more for laughs. Of all the shorts, this one is the weakest in my opinion. It didn't really feel like it was building up to anything, and when it did, it kind of felt predictable. I guess this short acts as a foreshadowing for the other shorts, as elements in this short appear in the others. But I will give it this, the scene where the kids says "Charlie Brown is an asshole" should be reserved by the National Film Archives. The second short is about a woman looking for man. Yeah, you can't have a Halloween movie without sexy costumes. Again, it felt like this short wasn't building up to anything, but unlike the last short, when it did, holy shit did it pay off big time. That's all I can say without ruining the surprise. The third short is my favorite. It's about a group of kids exploring an old stone quarry where a bus full of "members of the mentally challenged community" fell off into the abyss below. According to the ring leader of the children, in order to appease the spirits of the dead, you have to light jack o lanterns along the shore. What happens next is predictable, but the reason why I like this short so much is one, the atmosphere, and two, just the overall plot. Call be a weirdo if you like, but since Halloween is a holiday mostly meant for kids, stories about kids doing shit on Halloween are alway the most fun, in my opinion. It just gives you that warm nostalgia feeling, you know? Maybe you can relate to these kids or had something similar happen to you (I mean, not the bus falling to its death, but you know what I mean). The final short is about a character who we already met in the film, the disgruntled neighbor, vs. a masked kid who had been showing up throughout the film as sort of a background character, never really interacting with the plot at all, until now. Nothing really to write home about in this short. In fact, I kind of felt bored by it. It's your typical bump in the night and character goes to investigate it type of story. The only thing interesting about it is seeing it line up with the other shorts. But I think the ending makes up for it. Without spoiling the short, there's sort of a final scene where we see all the four (technically five) shorts come together, as a final shot of the film to wrap it up. It was a nice little send off that showcased what made this film so special. So even though I didn't like a majority of the shorts in the film, what kept me going was the atmosphere. Everyone who's ever seen this film praises it for that reason. This truly is a Halloween movie. If you are looking for a film to get you into the mood this Halloween, I highly recommend this. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: Halloween 2

Original Publishing Date: October 6th, 2018

It's been years since I last saw Halloween. It's a franchise I've always wanted to catch up on, but always forgotten about. Well, since this is National Halloween Month, now's the best time to revisit this franchise. When we last saw Michael Myers, he was shot several times by his therapist Dr. Loomis after Myers tried killing Jamie Lee Curtis. Well, Michael survived his bullet to the chest and ran off. Jamie Lee Curtis is escorted to the hospital, Dr. Loomis searches the town for Michael, all the while Haddonfield learns of the murders from the first movie. As a sequel to the original, I saw it does it's job. Does it add to the lore of the first movie? Eeh... Kind of. Does it deliver a satisfying conclusion to the story? Eeh... Kind of. Is it just as good as the original. Eeh... Not really. At the end of the day, the movie was a follow up to Halloween. That's what it set out to do and that's what it does. You get your dose of Micheal Myers hiding in the shadows, people dying in unique ways, and blood. While this does take place on Halloween, you do get as much Halloween atmosphere as you did in the last movie. Don't get me wrong, there's pumpkins, decorations and all that fun junk, just not enough to give you that spooky Halloween feeling. It's hard to judge the Halloween franchise because the character you like and care about will no doubt make it out alive, while the new characters you care nothing about are just in there to be Myers bait. And I guess that's another criticism I have for the movie, it feels more mechanical than the last movie. The last movie felt natural, while this one feels more like a slasher film. I get that Michael Myers is suppose to be this emotional void and is only suppose to be a brute, but I feel like even in the first movie it made sense why he would kill the people he kill, verus here where he kills because the movie wants a bigger body count. I'm not going to give the movie shit because of how indestructible Myers is, though I know other people have criticized the series for that reason. At the end of the day, Myers is suppose to be the closest thing this universe has to a boogeyman, so making him this indestructible force just makes him more scary. Now, the stuff about the Druids sacrificing people... I don't get. I know in the future films they explain this a little more (and by explain, I mean ruin the franchise by adding supernatural elements to it), but it just felt useless in this one, especially when you learn Myers true motivation for going after Jamie Lee Curtis. Overall, I'm glad I saw this movie, it's a fine sequel to Halloween, but I can see why it isn't as talked about as the first film. Not bad, just fine. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: The Nun

Original Publishing Date: September 30th, 2018

Well, I just saw the Nun, and it was alright. Honestly, I've only seen two movies in this "Ed and Loren Warren Expanded Universe" series, and so far, they've been good. The first one was Conjuring, which was great, and now this one. Thankfully this isn't a MCU situation where you need to watch the other movies in order to understand this one. The movie is about a priest, a nun, and a farmer investigating the suicide of a nun. Spoiler alert, it had to do with ghosts. So let me start off with what I liked about this film. First off, the setting. Call me old fashion, but I simply adore the gothic. Castles, cob webs, fog, graveyards. I love them. And since this movie takes place in Romania, the motherland of spooks, you get a lot of that. Second was the direction. There were some great shots in this film, granted they weren't scary, they still impressed me. Now let's talk about what I didn't like. Okay, more like "what they could have done better". I would preferred a plot where we discovered along with the characters the details of the suicide. Instead, the whole thing was spelt out to us in the cold opening. Second off, the characters kind of have arches, but they are not fully realized. The nun's arch is that she's psychic and that she needs to accept her psychicness. However, this character trait is only brought up like twice in the movie. Now, to be fair, they do use it in a clever way at least once in the film. There's a scene where a character is trapped in a grave, and rings one of those plague bells to get her to dig him up. Only problem is the ghoul makes it so that all the bells in the graveyard ring at the same time. So the Nun is forced to use her psychic powers to locate the trapped person. Now, I thought that was really clever, and I would have loved more moments like that in the film. But sadly, we kind of don't. Third thing I didn't like about the film were the scares. It's your typical horror movie gimmick. Camera pans left only to boomerang right to reveal spooky ghost. The score builds up only to stop so a jump scare can happen. A character is framed to give a lot of negative space, thus allowing something scary to pop out. There's really only two things in this film that I found scary. One, as mentioned earlier, is the man being dug alive. I thought that was a scary idea, especially when the movie implies the ghost can get him even in the coffin. That created a tense feeling of claustrophobia. Of coarse, they ruin it with a jump scare, but the build up was still pretty scary. The second thing that scared me was the central villain, the Nun herself. According to the movie, the Nun is dressed up as a Nun to fool the other Nuns into thinking its a Nun. Get it? However, they never really take advantage of this idea. They think they do, but they don't. Speaking of which, let's talk about the villain for a second. There's this problem I find in ghost stories where the ghost will do all this spooky stuff only to reveal its true motivation, which don't line up with what it was doing previously. In this movie, it's no exception. This might come as a shock to a lot of you, but the villain's motivation in the movie is to possess someone. Yet, why did it trap that one guy underground? Why didn't he just possess him, why all the theatrics? They think because they're ghost that excuses them from this rule of writing, but it doesn't, ghosts motivation need to line up too. And I'm not even going to comment on the goofy backstory of this guy. Let's just say it comes out of nowhere and kind of doesn't fit with the rest of the film. Also, and this might just be a nit pick, but I believe ghosts are at their best when they are stealthy. You know, hiding in the shadows, invisible to plane sight, but plotting against the heroes in clever ways. The ghost in this feels like a brute. He'd rather just throw people across the room or try to strange them instead of using its head. So there are a lot of problems with the film, and is by no means a master piece, but for someone who's just looking for a scary movie this October season, this is a good one. I wished it was more than just an alright movie, for it just fixed the problems I stated above it would have been phenomenal, but as it is, it's not terrible at the slightest. I'd rather watch this again then "Dark: The Movie". 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: Troll 2

Original Publishing Date: September 22nd, 2018

Have I ever talked about Troll 2 before? Ah who cares, let's talk about it again. Troll 2 is the prestige, classic example of a movie that's so bad its good. If there was ever a movie to introduce that bizarre concept to on new eyes, it's this movie. The best way I can summarize this movie is that it's about a family who go on vacation in a town where the people are secretly vegetarian goblins. And they kill our protagonists by turning them into plants and eating them. Now, the first thing you might be wondering is, if the movie is about goblins, why is it called Troll 2? Welcome to the roller coaster of stupidity known as Troll 2. Where to begin? First off, despite being called Troll 2, this has nothing to do with the movie Troll. The producers sort of just slapped the title onto this movie in order to sell tickets (cause you know, Troll had such a large following). Second off, the people who made the film were straight out of Italy, so the script was written in broken English. It also didn't help that the director was a bit egotistical and demanded things be done his way or the highway. Though the acting is bad, it's forgivable because the dialogue doesn't sound like it came from a human being. And then there's all the plot holes. There's the fact that the ghost of our hero's grandfather can pause time for thirty seconds, a power in which he never uses again. There's the fact that the goblins try to turn people in plants to eat even though they live in a forest where they can easily grow vegetables. And then there's the B plot where the girl's boyfriend must choose between her or his bros. And that's not even scratching the surface of what's wrong with this movie. The score sounds like a pop song even though it's suppose to be scary. They use rubber store masks on the goblins. There's a very odd scene where two characters have sex over popcorn. There's the food props that look disgusting yet the movie tries to sell it as appetizing. On that note, one of the most bizarre things for me is the fact that they use a fake bologna sandwich in one scene. Like... You couldn't go out to the store and buy real bologna? What am I saying? It makes the film so much more fun. But why is that? Why does such a film that seem to do everything wrong still manage to warrant so much entertainment? I think for two reasons. One, it's not frustrating or boring. Troll 2 does have a story, a beginning, a middle, and an end, be it a poorly written one, so it's not like we're lost while watching it. Second, it's so alien to what it sets out to do that it accidentally becomes interesting. And that itself makes it funny. Overall, if you don't get the "so bad it's good" genre and you want a film to introduce yourself to, watch this one. It's a master piece of shit. And I wouldn't want it any other way. 

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: Jacob’s Ladder

Original Publishing Date: September 15th, 2018

The idea of the US government doing secret experiments on unsuspecting people seems like something out of a paranoid writer's fantasy. Yet, it's not. It was real and it ruined the lives of many people. Jacob's Ladder is a (very) fictional recreation of what life of someone who fell victim to one of these experiments would be like. Jacob was a Vietnam war vet who's platoon was hit by a drug that made them turn on each other. Jacob was able to repress this memory, but boy does it come back to haunt him. His life is plagued with random, horrifying imagery, random flash backs to Vietnam, and incidents that blur the line between hallucination and reality. Did I mention he also has a dead kid? Just a little dash of sprinkles to add to the misery sundae that is this man's life. To call this a horror film might be a stretch, since it's meant to be more than just horrify the audience. In the beginning of the film, we know nothing about the experiments. We assume that the random flashbacks and weird outbursts are the results of PTSD. Which, even though the movie tells us later why he's experiencing these things, is still a great allegory for what a vet goes through after wars. Not only that, but the amount of disrespect they get. There were times you loved Jacob's girlfriend because she saved his life on many occasions, yet also despise her when she flips out on him for having these outbursts. In a way, you still identify with her cause you can't image how a spouse or a lover could deal with the fact that their significant other experiences things like this, or that you have to play care taker to them. But the real meat and potatoes of this story are the fucked up scenes of hallucinations and imagery. The movie keeps you in the dark, making you question if they are hallucinations or real (yeah-yeah, I know, a lot of horror movies claim to do this, but this one actually works). And what's great is that there's a point to these scenes. I know people who would take one look at this movie and brush it off as being "pretentious" because it's random and doesn't make any sense. And while it's true there are films who do things like that just to be pretentious, in this movie is works because it's meant to reflect the man's PTSD. The randomness and outbursts are suppose to put us in the shoes of vets and what they're lives are like after the war. It doesn't have to make sense logically, it just has to make sense emotionally. They weren't random scenes the director threw into the film to make it "artsy", they have a purpose. Now, there is a twist to the movie, though it's debatable to call it a twist. This might be what divides people. I'm not going to spoil it, but depending on how you think the movie will end as you watch it, you'll either hate it or just think it's fine. Even I will admit, I left my movie scratching my head. But it didn't ruin the film for me. Overall, Jacob's Ladder is a brilliant, underrated film. There's many films that try to depict the struggles of war vets or the horrors of government testing, and this is one of those films that does it right. I highly recommend it.