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The effects of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking spill over to the workplace in numerous ways, introducing significant costs and safety concerns. The CDC has estimated that domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking cost nearly $8 billion a year in lost productivity, health care costs, and earnings. In addition, domestic violence threatens the safety of both victims and their colleagues at work. These crimes often cause emotional trauma and physical injury.
Domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking have the potential to affect every Federal workplace across the United States. It is the policy of the Federal Government to promote the health and safety of its employees by acting to prevent domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking within the workplace and by providing support and assistance to Federal employees whose working lives are affected by such violence. This Guidance for Agency-Specific Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, and Stalking Policies provides agencies with direction to enable them to fulfill the goals identified in the Presidential Memorandum on “Establishing Policies for Addressing Domestic Violence in the Federal Workforce,” which was issued on April 18, 2012. As the nation’s largest employer, the Federal Government should act as a model in responding to the effects of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking in the workplace. Some agencies have already taken steps to address these issues. By building on these efforts, the Federal Government can further address the effects of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking on its workforce, promoting the health and safety of its employees and improving the quality of its service to the public.
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior, including acts or threatened acts, that are used by a perpetrator to gain power and control over a current or former spouse, family member, current or former intimate partner, current or former dating partner, or person with whom the perpetrator shares a child in common. This behavior includes, but is not limited to, physical or sexual violence, emotional and/or psychological intimidation, verbal abuse, stalking, economic control, harassment, threats, physical intimidation, or injury. Domestic violence can occur in any relationship, regardless of socioeconomic status, education level, cultural background, age, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, or religion. Domestic violence can occur in heterosexual and same-sex intimate relationships, including marital, cohabiting, or dating relationships that are not dependent on the existence of a sexual relationship.
Stalking refers to harassing, unwanted, or threatening conduct that causes the victim to fear for his or her safety or the safety of a family member. Stalking conduct may include, but is not limited to, following, spying on, or waiting for the victim in places such as home, school, work, or recreation place; leaving unwanted items, presents, or flowers for the victim; making direct or indirect threats to harm the victim, the victim’s children, relatives, friends, pets, or property; posting information or spreading rumors about the victim on the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth; and obtaining personal information about the victim by accessing public records, using internet search services, hiring private investigators, going through the victim's garbage, following the victim, or contacting victim's friends, family, work, or neighbors. Stalking may occur through use of technology, including but not limited to, email, telephone, voicemail, text messaging, and use of GPS and social networking sites.
The Presidential Memorandum outlines agency roles and responsibilities for the development of agency-specific policies to address the effects of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. 1) Pursuant to section 2(b), within 120 calendar days from the issuance of this Guidance, each agency shall develop or modify, as appropriate, agency-specific policies for addressing the effects of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking on its workforce, consistent with this Guidance. Each agency shall submit for review and comment to the Director of the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) a draft or modified agency-specific policy. OPM recommends that: a. Agency-specific policies should address each of the main components outlined in section 3.0 of this Guidance and should be consistent with applicable law. b. Agencies that already have policies should review those policies and make any necessary changes to ensure alignment with the principles and components described in this Guidance. c. Agencies that do not have policies should develop policies that are in alignment with the principles and components described in this Guidance. 2) OPM will review agency-specific new or modified policies for addressing domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking and provide recommended modifications for agency consideration. Pursuant to section 2(b) of the Presidential Memorandum, in reviewing the draft agency-specific policies, the Director of OPM shall consult with the Attorney General, the Secretary of Health and Human Services, the Secretary of Labor, the Secretary of Homeland Security, and other interested agency heads. 3) Each agency shall issue a final agency-specific policy (whether new or modified) within 180 calendar days after submission of its draft policy to the Director of OPM. Basic Steps for Policy Development Addressing Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, and Stalking Domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking have the potential to affect every Federal workplace. There are many different approaches that agencies can take in developing agency-specific policies 9 consistent with this Guidance. This section provides some general steps that may be helpful for structuring this process.
Various types of workplace flexibilities are available to an employee when the employee and/or the employee’s family member(s) are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. To the greatest extent possible, agencies should work in collaboration with the employee to provide leave and/or other workplace flexibilities to help the employee remain safe and maintain his or her work performance. All possible leave options should be considered for an employee in this situation. When the need for time off is foreseeable, an employee must provide reasonable advance notice to the agency. An agency may choose to develop a policy that would allow an employee who is a victim and/or the employee’s family member(s), as discussed in this section, the opportunity to request leave or other paid time off through a third party, such as an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Coordinator, if the employee does not feel comfortable speaking with a supervisor. Although the supervisor is the only person who can approve the leave, the leave request may be made through the third party. Employees are not required to provide personal details in their requests for leave. However, employees are required to provide enough information in their leave requests so their supervisors know which type of leave is appropriate (e.g., sick leave, annual leave, Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), etc.). Supervisors should consider whether an employee is entitled to a certain type of leave (e.g., FMLA or sick leave) or whether an employee’s request for leave other than under the FMLA should be granted. Details on the administration of leave will be provided by the agency. An agency is not required to ask for verification or proof of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking, but it may accept the employee’s credible statement as verification. If necessary, verification or proof may also include, but need not be limited to, a service provider’s statement, a protection order, medical records or doctor’s statement, or police or court reports. Under no circumstances should the agency require the employee to contact law enforcement or otherwise report the violence as a condition for accessing leave. To do so could place victims in greater danger. Below is a list of available workplace flexibilities that should be incorporated into agency-specific policies for addressing domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. It is important to note that these options can be applied to situations in which the domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking is currently taking place or to situations in which the trauma related to a past situation involving violence is causing a negative impact in the workplace. Note that the intent of this Guidance is not to expand or restrict how these flexibilities are used generally, but simply to explain how they can be applied in the domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking context.
Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). An employee is entitled to up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave under FMLA if domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking results in a serious health condition26 for the employee that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her position. FMLA leave can also be used to care for a spouse, son or daughter (under 18 or over 18 but incapable of self-care because of a mental or physical disability), or parent of the employee with a serious health condition as a result of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. Annual leave, sick leave, and annual leave donated under the Voluntary Leave Transfer or Voluntary Leave Bank Programs may be substituted for unpaid leave under FMLA.
Flexible Work Schedules. An employee on an approved flexible work schedule may adjust his or her work schedule, such as reporting times and work hours, to accommodate events driven by domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking in accordance with agency internal policies and/or collective bargaining agreements.
Absence Without Leave (AWOL). An employee is charged AWOL when the employee is absent without permission. Employees who are missing as a result of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking may substitute a form of approved paid or unpaid leave upon return to work and with supervisor approval.
Employees who are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking may inadvertently react in a manner that results in disciplinary action. For example, an employee may be charged with AWOL for absences arising from domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. In such cases, once the supervisor becomes aware of the domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking issues, the victimized employee should be referred to the resources within the agency for support and assistance. In addition, the impact of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking should be taken into consideration as a 17 mitigating factor in determining the appropriate discipline in cases involving the victim. Agencies should work to make sure that workplace policies do not re-victimize victims to the extent possible, while maintaining appropriate workplace standards.
Agencies should not discriminate against victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking in hiring, staffing, discipline, or other terms and conditions of employment. Such treatment re-victimizes victims.
Disciplinary Actions against Victims Employees who are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking may inadvertently react in a manner that results in disciplinary action. For example, an employee may be charged with AWOL for absences arising from domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. In such cases, once the supervisor becomes aware of the domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking issues, the victimized employee should be referred to the resources within the agency for support and assistance. In addition, the impact of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking should be taken into consideration as a 17 mitigating factor in determining the appropriate discipline in cases involving the victim. Agencies should work to make sure that workplace policies do not re-victimize victims to the extent possible, while maintaining appropriate workplace standards. Non-discrimination Agencies should not discriminate against victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking in hiring, staffing, discipline, or other terms and conditions of employment. Such treatment re-victimizes victims. For information about how the equal employment opportunity laws may apply to such situations, see the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission's publication "Questions and Answers: The Application of Title VII and the ADA to Applicants or Employees who Experience Domestic or Dating Violence, Sexual Assault, or Stalking."
It is critical that agency-specific policies highlight training, awareness, and EAP support. Both managers and employees should be aware of the sources of support that exist in their agencies that can positively impact an incident involving domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. Agencies are urged to provide an appropriate and timely response to all reported or suspected workplace-related incidents involving these issues. All agency components may consider implementing programs to educate and train supervisors, human resources personnel, internal or external EAP personnel, and employees about the effects of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking on the workplace, including provisions for confidentiality and privacy requirements and employer and employee obligations under this policy. This training should include contractor, intern, and volunteer staff as appropriate. Support and Assistance Workplace support, including access to supportive services (such as an EAP), appropriate responses from supervisors, and referrals to culturally competent victim service providers for immediate and ongoing trauma-informed care and support, should be offered to employees who are victims of domestic violence, sexual violence, or stalking to minimize the impact of the violence on the victim and others in the workplace and to protect victim and workplace safety. Any worker who has a concern about the workplace impact of domestic violence, sexual violence, or stalking should be encouraged to contact appropriate personnel. Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) EAPs can be a strategic partner and valuable resource in addressing domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking as a workplace issue. The EAP should have the ability and intimate partner violence expertise to provide a variety of services to employees affected by these issues. The EAP should also be able to support agencies in their response to the needs of employees affected by domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. To the extent possible, the EAP should work in conjunction with agency and/or building security, with the employee’s permission, to plan for the safety of the workgroup when incidents of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking affect the workplace.
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Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn’t know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down. By “baiting” you with a seemingly innocuous comment disguised as a rational one, they can then begin to play with you. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds – and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you. After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer. It helps to realize when you’re being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether.
I didn’t understand the concept of narcissistic supply back then, I didn’t understand that Ben felt validated by and alive from any sort of attention I gave him. Good or bad, positive or negative, attention to a narcissist is all that matters, it’s what feeds the False Self’s feelings of importance, of being valuable, and of being “real” whereas the narcissist’s False Self isn’t real, it’s nothing more than smoke and mirrors.
It didn’t matter how I reacted, as long as I didn’t react or show indifference or silence, I was validating the existence of Ben’s False Self as being genuine and authentic instead of something Ben created to hide his disordered, flawed, wounded and damaged True Self.
Since Ben was my sexual awakening and had a tremendous impact on my life, I was still trapped in the mind-set induced by love-bombing; I believed that Ben was good deep-down despite at times showing a lack of empathy and interpersonal exploitation. While I knew he lied a lot, I still tended to believe what he said most of the time, especially when he lied directly to my face (as opposed to lying by text message, email or phone). I’ll give Ben credit: he’s one hell of a believable liar. When Ben claimed to be introverted and needed his “alone time” as opposed to intentionally and knowingly driving me mad with the silent treatment, I accepted his words as truthful.
Ben now said not to ever worry again about being discarded as he swore that would never happen again. He claimed he’d invested far too much into me to just throw me away and discard me, promising me that the days of discarding were days of the past and I need not worry about that issue anymore. Ben knew I’d been conditioned into being triggered the moment anything discard-related was mentioned into freaking out and flying off the deep end.
There was one instance when I sat down with Ben and pulled up literature on being “triggered,” trying to educate him on the importance of not bringing up my vulnerabilities or triggers. I believed that this teaching / learning experience made this “register” with him. I failed to realize I’d essentially given him the blueprints on how to drive me insane.
I was aware of Ben seeming to create problems out of thin air at times when it wasn’t necessary, but I always assumed he was just slightly paranoid and overly sensitive. I never considered he’d done these things on purpose, especially not since he’d claimed he was working so hard to be the ideal version of himself that he saw in his head.
They create imaginary scenarios out of thin air just to blame you for them. A narcissist is a pathological liar – someone who will lie just for the fun of it. They draw amusement and entertainment from their victims having to defend themselves against baseless accusations. Blame shifting ensures that the target is on edge, restless, and wastes their energy trying to explain themselves rather than simply stating the facts and standing firm in their self-validation.
October 2017
One night Ben called to say that “those people” called asking questions about me; “those people” was how Ben referred to the officers that had arrested John, my neighbor who befriended me right before I met Ben in round one. Ben’s other boyfriend, the one he’d claimed to be breaking up with any moment since he returned for round two, was their confidential informant according to Ben. I did a random background check on his boyfriend and his arrest record corroborated Ben’s claims, as well. I thought Ben was trying to “throw me off,” there was no reason they’d want anything to do with me.
But then, days later I received their call. My subsequent visit to see “those people” cost me $4k for an attorney and we found out nothing. Initially they said they had reason to believed I’d committed a crime in Maryland. I thought to myself:
They must have me confused with someone else. Outside of visiting my family and when I worked there well over a year ago, the only time I’ve been to Maryland was that one time when Ben literally yanked me out of bed and dragged me to his house for that god-awful threesome with him and his boyfriend.
I never considered there was any connection. I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about. The officers seemed anxious and fidgety; they tried offering me something to sign that would give me immunity if I told them what I knew only I didn’t know what they were talking about. We’d met them in Virginia and my lawyer read over the paper, stating it didn’t appear to give me immunity in DC where I lived. He said he wasn’t recommending I sign anything. Then the officers acted even stranger and started talking about random things unrelated to crime.
The one agent showed me his new iPhone, letting me play with it for a few minutes before we left. My lawyer described this as the strangest interaction with police in his career. I had no clue why they’d even contacted me but they sure were a lot kinder this time with an attorney present than they were when I first met them in that van in Northern Virginia. That was the time when I was leaving and the one officer cautioned me against using gay chat apps and dating sites, saying they could get me into trouble one day. All I knew was I didn’t want anything to do with those people and I was glad this random meeting went smoothly.
When I told Ben, he claimed he was joking when he said they called him asking about me and, given the coincidence, he didn’t feel safe anymore with me, using it as an excuse to discard me yet again, the fucker. Within two weeks, Ben was back at my side like always, of course, not acknowledging having discarded me nor apologizing either, which was expected. The whole thing was weird but I just thought it was another random, weird event in life, never thinking about on it.
One night Ben came over to celebrate Valentine’s day with me. When he was leaving, he did something that was completely unlike him: he kissed me goodbye, and for the second time in our nearly year-long romance, he said:
I love you.
I was smitten, and I was taken aback as it was so unlike Ben to be romantic in the slightest. Despite us having more sex in a week than most do in their lifetimes, the element of love or romance was never present, at least not on his part. He went on to say that he’d likely return later to spend the night after he took care of a few things at home. In typical Ben fashion, he never returned, instead leaving me to stay up all night long waiting in anticipation. That’s something Ben did all the fucking time, he’d leave me hanging based on supposed plans that never came through. The next day I discovered Ben sent me an email shortly after midnight, with the subject line reading:
Those people.
Ben claimed when he left my place that night, he saw police outside, shining a flashlight inside his car and felt too frightened to return to my place again after my run-in with “those people” months before.
I’d told him about what went down when I met with them, and he knew there was nothing to worry about, there was nothing going on and they must have been mistaken.
Ben also claimed they didn’t say a word to him and it sounded like some random group of police in the city at night, which is fairly common. It made no sense why he felt so shaken up and his language also seemed… hokey, it wasn’t typical for Ben, it seemed like he was making this up just to throw me off like he seemed to enjoy doing so often. Once a few more emails came through from him, I wasn’t buying his story at all anymore.
We will talk and maybe see each other in public somewhere. I’ve never been that shook before and I’m not trying to start anything.
What? What? What? Where was this coming from? Why would Ben seeing police outside result in him deciding never to return again to my home, limiting our time together to seeing each other in public, and cause him to suddenly decide to move home with his parents? This was making absolutely no sense whatsoever, and Ben was a magnificent liar whereas this time it was blatantly obvious he was lying through his teeth. But not matter what I said, he’d manage to flip it back around on me, making me appear like I was the the bad guy, the unreasonable one, and the asshole. The last time i saw him, Ben kissed me goodnight and said he loved me only for this to be our next encounter; not only was this was ridiculous, but for Ben’s lying kills to be this shitty this meant something was truly off.
You’re right I could be over reacting to the whole police thing but instead of helping me and or calming me down to make me feel safe you attack me? Is that what you to to someone you care about?
I’ll admit I didn’t save my responses to him but they weren’t over the top or mean like he suggested in his responses. I felt like he was lying though, I knew he was lying, but I couldn’t prove it. His reaction just seemed so extreme over something as run of the mill as police in DC streets at night. If anything he should have felt safe knowing that police were around in my neighborhood, it’s not like either one of us was up to trouble. This was nonsense. Ben was back at his favorite past-time again: fucking with my head. That I was certain of, although he’d never admit it, just like he’d never admit any of the mind games he loved screwing my mind with.
This annoying game dragged on for the entire week – first claiming he was too scared to come back, then attacking me for questioning the validity of his claims instead of supporting him during a time of need. This was Ben’s way of dangling the discard carrot in front of my face indirectly in a way that he could claim was clearly not an attempt to discard me. The boy wasn’t content unless he was fucking with my head and provoking me. As stupid as it sounds, this whole ordeal threw me off for the entire week, I was depressed and on edge and convinced I’d never see Ben again. That Thursday night, I noticed something: the sex toy cabinet that Ben had stocked full of adult novelties was empty. Ben had been filling it for the last 9 months and suddenly nothing was there. What the hell? That little turd face had taken them all home with him before leaving that night, there was nowhere else they could have gone. He hadn’t seen police for certain, that was all one giant excuse for ending things with me but not wanting me to call him out for discarding me like always.
I was so angry at Ben and his never-ending mind games. He refused to respond to my email, leaving me to feel discarded yet again. Then Saturday morning, I received the email below, which makes me refer to Ben as a turd face squared
I just dropped [other boyfriend] off and might go to school. If I hear from you I’m open to talking fucking or just hanging out. The police thing still scares me but you’ve been a good friend for the most part so I don’t see that ending so easily.
That little turd had chosen to bait me into a mind-fucking, impossible argument that threw me off for an entire week only to send me the above and stop over that day. Of course there was no apology and he insisted the police incident was real and traumatizing.
Later on in rereading his emails, I noted something, which I underlined below:
Come to find out Ben had been snooping through my cell phone and email and saw that I referred to him as a narcissist in communication I had with my therapist. I didn’t notice Ben’s Freudian slip above about “talking behind my back about me to other people” until several weeks later. I approached him about this and he was honest for once, at least so I believe, in admitting to reading what I’d sent to my therapist about him. He’d planned out this whole thing because of my use of the goddamn, other “n-word.”
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A year or so after discarding me, I ran into Ben one night out on the town; he was arm and arm with a new boyfriend, and greeted me excitedly. He introduced me to his new beau like old we were schoolmates; I was surprised that he seemed to forget our ugly parting, acting like it never occurred and we'd always been on the best of terms. I played along and the night went well. I ended up hanging out with them for most of it, and we met up a few times over the upcoming months, as well. I was glad Ben didn’t hold a grudge against me.
It wasn't too long before Ben and I were tight friends again. Ben and I always referred to this as "round 2," it was the first time someone entered my life and found a way to indefinitely insert themselves into it, as well as into my heart, into my mind, and into my dreams (and nightmares). Those days became the highlight of my life. But In time I'd discover it was all a giant web of lies, deceit, and destruction. If I thought Ben had a pre-planned demise for me before, my mind was clearly too innocent to fathom what he had pre-planned for this time around.
Narcissists pretend to love and care for you, all the while they are planning your utter destruction. They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed
This is the story of the empath that should have trusted the textbook and Pinterest instead of trusting the narcissist.
Pinterest was right, I was wrong, and I'll pay dearly for ignoring it's memes filled with the truth on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) until my last dying breath.
Ben was so incredible thing time around, I felt lucky to have him in my life. He was so adamant about being a good person and taking care of those he cared for, which now included me.
He was one that spoke very little, but when he did, he spoke volumes. I trusted what he said, accepting his strong words of conviction at face value.
How can you tell when the narcissist is lying? Whenever the narcissist's mouth is moving.
Based on his initial reaction to the word narcissist, I left round 1 assuming that Ben had to be a narcissist. After all, who else would become so enraged by the word narcissist except for an actual narcissist, right? I didn't know much about the disorder back then, I thought that narcissists were predisposed to being selfish and mean, but having a predisposition doesn't mean that a person can't choose to live and behave differently, and I was convinced Ben had chosen to leave his old ways behind and turned a new leaf. He repeatedly claimed that was the case, and I believed him. While the DSM criteria for NPD seems vague enough to be applied to nearly all of us at some point, in the case of Ben, each criteria took on a new meaning, however, and they definitely applied to how he carried himself all the time. But I could tell he was making a conscience effort to fight these traits, and given he treated me so incredibly, I didn't judge him at all. I found it admirable that he was aware of this and actively bettering himself as a person and as my new, close friend.
Despite our initial romance ending with Ben discarding me for suggesting he was a narcissist, by returning to establish a friendship and always trying to spend all his free time with me, I was led to believe NPD wasn't such a touchy subject after all. If it was, he wouldn't come back and pull out all the bells and whistles in winning me over, right? As time progressed, we grew even closer and our friendship progressed, with Ben eventually talking about us getting married at one point, and I was left believing NPD could be addressed in the context of our relationship.
I was wrong. I was dead wrong.
I'd fail to realize how dead wrong I was until months down the road and by that time, there was no going back. . It would turn out to be even worse than the ending of round one, exponentially worse, and it's an ending that continues on indefinitely. But those days have yet to arrive in telling my story. Back at the start of round one, Ben was such a doll, he went above and beyond in doing all he could to show how much he cared. He even apologized at the drop of a hat, and seemed so concerned about my feelings.
In time the most I'd get in the way of an apology was what you see below:
What started out like this:
Ultimately turned into something, many things, like this:
And what makes narcissists so dangerous is that if you discover that they are a narcissist or even expose them as one they go in for the kill. They are not above lying to judges or police officers to ruin your life. Their perfect appearance must be preserved at all costs. They will get you fired from your job. They will cry rape. They will do whatever they can to stop the truth from coming out. The goal is to have you eliminated. And most times they succeed.
If there's one take-home lesson in my story, it's that you never forget the statement above. It's the word of God, it's something you dare not do, no matter what, trust me when I say I effectively dug my own grave by suggesting Ben was a narcissist. I don't think I'll ever be removed from purgatory as a result. Unmasking a narcissist puts your life in danger. If you have any loose ends that can be used against you, rest assured the narcissist will use them against you, only magnified x 1,000,000 with a slew of other lies he'll manage to expose to the world in creating your "false self" without you even realizing it until it's too late.
Needless to say, I was wrong in making the assumption that NPD could be addressed. In time I learned that the narcissist will never admit his faults, and he'll fight to vehemently destroy someone that knows his faults, too. But Ben's gift at masking his emotions hid the fact that the topic irked him so much, at least initially. Narcissism would become a topic of great interest to me, as Ben had peculiar and intriguing ways of saying and doing things, on viewing the world, and on how he treated (and mistreated) others. I didn't know what narcissism actually entailed - I thought it meant being vain, a bit selfish and rigid, I was clueless that it meant psychopath for the most part. I wanted to understand Ben to meet his needs better since he came to mean so much to me; little did I know that what a Narcissist hates most is someone knowing their secret or trying to figure them out.
Before jumping the gun yet again, let me return back to Ben's first episode of hoovering before I knew what I do today, back when I thought Ben truly had feelings for me and life was still full of promise and forward thinking...
Round 2 began pleasantly, and I assumed what I saw up close and personal in Ben was the real deal, I assumed that the masses were wrong about narcissism being nefarious. Ben treated me better than anyone had treated me in my entire life, and I was so grateful for his kindness. Finally I had a true friend, someone that went so out of his way to show me how much I mattered to him. It was a much needed change to my otherwise lonely life.
When a narcissist appears in your life, it means you have something they want, and they will stop at nothing to get it. And after they have it, your total and ultimate annihilation is what they have in mind.
I couldn't get over how incredibly warm and attentive Ben had become. I came to believe he was one of the most amazing men on the planet.
I accepted Ben's words at face value, I wasn't one to lie about things and I assumed others were like me. What I ultimately found out was that to Ben and other narcissists, the truth is what they want it to be, not what it is if that makes sense. Basically, Ben didn't view himself as lying, he viewed his words of dishonesty as being what he wanted the truth to be and thus it wasn't a lie nor something bad. I guess in his mind -- where he's omnipotent and controls the universe -- his magical thinking wasn't something deceitful or immoral, it was what he wanted to exist and therefore existed as such. To him at least. To me it was the most annoying thing in the universe.
We came to call these "my truths," and I just thought it was due to Ben's predisposed way of seeing the world. I didn't think it was intentional or nefarious, no way, not given how kind Ben was towards me.
At the starts of round two, I was blown away by how much Ben had matured since I last saw him, or at least how he learned to behave like it. He was always offering to do nice things for me. Not once did I witness any condescending remarks or controlling behavior like what riddled round one. He pulled out all the magic tricks for me, sweeping me off my feet. He treated me better than anyone in my entire life has treated me, lavishing me with more attention, affection, and feigned kindness than anyone had before.
It seemed too good to be true, as this time around Ben was such a gentleman, he seemed so kind, doting, genuine and sincere, he was considerate, and he wasn't putting me down at all like he used to enjoy doing. I was convinced he'd recognized his behavior was unbecoming, and decided to make a change for the better, as that was evident in how amazing he treated me.
At the starts of round two, there was no sexual tension either. Ben was so much more personable and polite than I remembered him being. He and his boyfriend seemed perfect together and I figured his boyfriend must have had a major impact on Ben growing into the thoughtful young man who sought me out to be his side-kick. He sure seemed smitten over his new beau and seemed certain they'd one day have a giant wedding in front of the world.
It wasn't too long before Ben was talking smack about his beau, however. One of my favorite stories from Ben, one that I heard a dozen times, was how his boyfriend cheated on him on the birth of his nephew meanwhile I don't think Ben knows his nephew's name.
Like I said, I knew very little about NPD back then, and I failed to realize where Ben had intended for our friendship to lead, as well.
It wasn't long before Ben started coming over a few times a month to hang out, just the two of us. He'd check to see how I was doing, as well as check out my massive underwear collection I had acquired.
After the nightmare with my ex, a friend gave me a pair of Andrew Christian underwear, and for the first time in months I felt... pretty again. So $2,000 later I'd managed to acquire the a drawer or drawers that many referred to as "Gay Disney."
Ben would visit, wanting to try on jock straps or underwear and even buy a few pairs for him and his beau. It was always a fun time, and Ben would never stop doing countless favors for me. He was so generous and thoughtful and I treasured the brightness he'd brought back into my life.
Ben was always full of fun, laughs and cheer, he was always laid back, and it was soothing to be around him as his demeanor was so peaceful.
Round 2 was so different than round 1: Ben quickly seemed like he was family, it seemed like an act of divine intervention. Reuniting with him happened right when I needed a friend the most, a friend who I could relate to and depend on, a friend also with HIV, a friend I could truly find common ground with. Ben could tell I was still struggling with accepting my status and he could sense I was depressed. He made it clear that he'd come back to help me get my game back. Ben was there for one reason only he said: he wanted to see me become the person I used to be, and he wanted to be a part of my soon-to-be resurrected success. Ben said that helping me reach my potential would not only benefit me, it would be of benefit to him in the future, as well.
The feelings of true friendship and love this created for me was something I'd never experienced before. Thank God Ben forgot about how we'd ended round 1, too. When I brought up how he'd discarded me, he didn't recall this at all, instead saying:
I never discarded you. I just knew with all you had on your plate, that I couldn't be the support that you needed, that's all.
Strange... he completely forgot about how mean and nasty he'd been to me, as well. But it didn't matter because now Ben was the complete and total opposite, and he was quickly becoming my best friend. He said he could see himself in me in round one; he said he could relate to my pain given his first relationship was one of abuse, as well. I found a kindred spirit in Ben.
Clearly I didn't know what gaslighting was back then. I assumed Ben felt guilty for how he'd mistreated me and was embarrassed, choosing to tuck the past away somewhere in his mind, instead choosing to live in denial. To me all that mattered was that Ben had chosen to act and live his life differently, now treating others with respect. I was convinced he recognized the err of his ways and decided to change himself for the better. Never once did I consider it could all be an act, and that deep-down, that Ben didn't give two shits about how he treated others, all that mattered was that nobody knew he treated others this way.
Ben also claimed he'd returned because he didn't want to give up another opportunity to date me, which seemed slightly "off" given he still had a boyfriend. He said he always envisioned having me back in his life exactly how things turned out. He said he always knew we'd be together like this, although I had no idea he'd actually been planning his return since the ending of round one, and with the help of federal law enforcement. Who would ever consider that?
I never envisioned that Ben having returned with an evil, ulterior motive, like seeking revenge for suggesting he was a narcissist. That thought never crossed my mind, not with how adoring and doting he was, not with how pressed he was to spend every spare moment he had at my side.
I thought Ben was benevolent, considerate, courteous, generous and dependable. I believed him when he said he was striving to be the ideal man he always wanted to be. Here he returned with the desire to help me get my life on track after doing little except wallowing in my depression since I'd seen him last and I appreciated it so much. Days, sometimes weeks in advance, Ben was asking to spend all his free time with me of all people; I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be at the center of Ben's cool club. He wanted to see me every chance he had, making me feel loved, appreciated and desired for the first time in forever.
It would be another 2 years before I realized that narcissists grow up learning to mimic human emotions they lack, perfecting the art of maintaining the perfect external appearance while hiding their true emotions beneath this facade. The narcissist's true emotions aren't positive, they primarily include jealousy, contempt, anger, paranoia and being fueled by the need to get revenge. But you'd never now it based on the beautiful "mask" the narcissist projects to the world.
I was shocked at Ben's interest in me but I wasn't complaining. If I'd have known back then what I know now, I would have never complained about a thing while quietly running for the hills as fast as possible. Instead, I basked in his Ben's kind words and constant feigned concern for my well-being.
Someone that gets me...
My ass to "someone that gets me." What he meant was "someone that I want to get locked, fired, humiliated, and added to the terrorist watch-list." But at the time, it seemed sincere and sweet and I bought Ben's fake kindness like an empathetic fool. Ben's true colors didn't "prove themselves" until much later on, and when they did at first, they didn't bother me too much. In fact, I found them intriguing, not grasping that they were Ben holding back tremendously and his full true colors were as dark as the depths of hell.
Round one was quite different, Ben was quick to show me his "false self" after a few months whereas it would be a good 10 months before it reared its head. I was so clueless about what I was getting into, instead I was beyond impressed with Ben becoming such a gentleman. Ben went the extra mile to shower me with praise, to show me all sorts of special attention, and that was all that mattered to me. Ben always seemed to have my best interests in mind. A year down the road I'd begin to see the truth: Ben not only had my worst interests in mind, he had interests so depraved and sick I had no way of anticipating the horror that lay ahead for me.
Ignorance is bliss, that is, until you realize that ignorance is just plain ignorance and now you're royally fucked.
Within a month or so, Ben expressed the desire to come over and spend one day day each weekend with me as he dropped off and picked up his boyfriend from work. Despite them now having problems, he said what mattered most to him was being a man of his word and staying true to his promise in proving his boyfriend with transportation to and from work. Spending one day a weekend with me enabled him to enjoy the day, not waste gas, all the while helping me get my life back in order as I'd allowed myself to lose track of who I was deep-down in the setting of this frightening HIV diagnosis.
I agreed to Ben's suggestion about hanging out one day each weekend but kept on oversleeping, it was the weekend after all, and he always arrived super early. After 1 or 2 successes and numerous failures due to me remaining knocked out upon Ben's arrival, I felt guilty for being too tired on weekends to keep my part of the deal. Ben was making such a statement in his attempts to spend one-on-one time with me, and I wasn't meeting him half-way. I felt guilty, I felt like I was letting Ben down big-time, and I couldn't afford to do that. I needed Ben huge time at the starts of round 2, I was in desperate need of a friend with HIV for support and comradery.
I'd locked myself away from the world in maladaptively coping with this diagnosis and I found myself hidden so far away from the world that I didn't know how to get out. I also needed my sleep on weekends as I worked long hours as a nurse, so that was standing in the way of Ben's early morning arrivals. Since Ben had proven himself repeatedly to be someone I could depend on, someone I could trust, if I needed someone to help me out with anything, Ben would volunteer, no questions asked. As he was so adamant about spending a weekend day with me despite me not waking up, I thought of an easy solution: giving him a spare key to my place, that way I'd never feel guilty about wasting Ben's time and he could always get in, given I left the dead-bolt unlocked the night before. I trusted him like family, he was so good to me, and his desire to be my new "life coach" was beyond touching. Ben was my guardian angel, always looking out for me, and never missing an opportunity to be by my side, especially now that he had a way to get in on his own.
Of note: I had two keys to my door, and I never gave Ben a copy of the deadbolt key, but I never felt the need to keep them both locked anyway, as least not yet...
Ben could sense from the start of round 2 that I needed a true friend in my life, he could tell that I'd been stagnant for some time: he recognized that my self-esteem was in the toilet, maybe a slight bit higher than it was before he left me in "round one," but not by much. He admitted he could see through me, he could sense my pain, and he'd later admit he could sense how I'd never found love and so he showed me a side of him, an act, that would lead me to feel I'd found it. Ben had this innate ability to read people so quickly and accurately; when I asked him what his trick was, he was humble in his response:
It's just intuition, that's it, nothing more.
He reminded me of my Grandpa with my Grandma; she could be tough at times, and he always seemed to take so much pleasure in being the one who could reach her. Likewise, Ben had this incredible ability to reach me like no one else, and he was all about bringing out the good in me. Ben claimed I had so much going for me, but lamented that I was letting it all pass me by due to depression and shame regarding HIV.
The chameleon-like narcissist shows multiple faces to the public, each one more duplicitous than the last. They blend in easily to any social groups they are a part of. But there is one catch: there is usually a target they like to zoom in on, usually because they possess the perceived qualities of empathy, compassion, integrity and coveted resources. Narcissists are pathologically envious of anyone who dares to outshine them or steal the spotlight: whoever presents a threat must be extinguished. Their light must be dimmed, in only the covert fashion the narcissist knows how to employ. Unfortunately for that target, he or she will become privy to the true self behind the narcissist’s mask. This is a terrifying, yet revealing experience that both alienates and enlightens the victim. This form of covert abuse can take place in romantic relationships, familial relationships, the workplace, even within law enforcement. It can take place in any context where a narcissistic person is able to manipulate someone else.
Ben managed to be everything I'd ever needed in a friend and ultimately a lover, minus the fact that the entire time he secretly wanted me dead and was setting me up for slow-cooked murder via government-sponsored stalking. Back then, I didn't know such torture existed in our civil society, even once I read about it, I was convinced something so awful couldn't exist. Ben showed me the light: true evil abounds in mankind, always has and always will, so I ultimately learned: trust no one but yourself.
Ben set out to reorganize my life, my condo, and even my underwear drawer, saying he was determined to help me find myself again. That was the plan at least, as long as I didn't make him repeat himself and avoided doing the same myself; that was his number one pet peeve: repeating things previously said. His other pet peeves included the name "Josh," the word "rape," or as I'd later find out, all the nicknames I created for him. Ben was a master as hiding his true feelings, remaining stoic and put-together even when highly upset, so I never knew my terms of endearment drove him mad.
Remember how I'd been offered that job transfer that completely fell through, losing all record of me somehow? Out of the blue, an email arrived, addressing this transfer as if all had gone according to plan, with me being slated to begin in several weeks. I was so stoked, and so was Ben. I'd be able to work from home, too, and Ben, being more tech-savvy than me, insisted on doing me a humongous favor: he wanted to fix up my home computer network. That way I could easily and peacefully work from home. Ben was so humble, he said he was no expert and only knew a little bit, but he claimed to know enough to rearrange things in a more efficient manner and add a docking station so I could quickly plug in my work laptop to this new home set-up seamlessly.
One day I came home from work to discover he'd let himself in on his day off to build me a new computer desk, setting up my work lap-top, a docking station, several extra monitors, my internet phone, a way for my cell phone to miraculously join into everything, and he did all of this without even mentioning his plans in advance (or getting my consent). I was shocked, I was surprised, I felt blessed to have him in my life, and he'd truly become my best friend. He was setting me up for success, and without me even requesting it; at least that's how it appeared. Ben even hung a BFF (best-friend's forever) necklace on my wall, and I'd jokingly refer to him as my PPIC (poz partner in crime).
I failed to see that Ben was setting me up for indefinite failure that would enable him and others to gain complete control of my home network, completely invade my privacy, and facilitate having me gang-stalked on various gay apps and chat sites. He wasn't humble either, he was lying; I'd find out he was so well-experienced with computers that he'd previously had his own blogs involving shared source code and programming.
Finally I had a friend that truly appreciated me, who was here to help me out because he saw my potential; Ben could somehow sense how I'd let it go to waste amidst depression and wanted to be part of my resurrection. It was a great feeling, and he was genius in saying all the right words, in conveying the deepest sentiments of love and friendship, and I couldn't believe how I'd once thought he was a bad guy. Not at all: Ben was the best thing I'd found in Washington, DC. I remember once telling my mom:
Of all the guys I've met in DC, there's only one who's actually real: and it's Ben, I feel so lucky to have him in my life.
I couldn't have been more wrong in my assessment, but at the time, it was my second and even better honeymoon phase with Ben.
It was funny: at the start of each week, as if Ben wasn't popular and had plenty of options to fill his upcoming days, he'd always be texting me, asking me to commit to plans for the upcoming weekend. It was cute, it was nice to feel so desired, and he went so above and beyond to ensure I didn't make plans with anyone but him. And I did my best to make sure nobody came in the way of us two hanging out, no one got priority over my dear Benjamin.
He began texting me every single day, asking how I was doing, and always made it a point to tell me how much my friendship meant to him. He began texting me whenever he was free, always asking to stop by even it if just meant for a few minutes. He made the most beautiful promises I'd ever heard: he swore our friendship would last a lifetime, he professed his devotion to seeing me get out of depression and back to my old self again, and it wasn't just a bunch of words: Ben's actions proved how I mattered to him. I wasn't used to this sort of attention, but I certainly appreciated it.
I believed every word he said, I didn't doubt anything - and why would I have ever doubted his honesty? I wasn't one to lie, and I thought (with the exception of my ex) others were just like me for the most part. I blindly trusted Ben like I trusted everyone else, and it ultimately blinded me for seeing my death was waiting for me around the corner.
Ben had a way with words, they were so touching, they made me feel so amazing inside, I felt beyond special to have found a friend like Ben; looking back... I'd never had a friend that intense and caring before. I would come to know Ben better than probably anyone else in the world ever had. I would come to discover his strengths and his weaknesses. I'd come to find out that there were things about his nature that would take place like clockwork, just as Pinterest claimed. But Ben's seemingly amiable words left me believing otherwise.
Narcissists are masters of language who use words to deceive, coerce, seduce, and mislead. They have the forked tongue of a viper and have no misgivings when it comes to spouting poisonous, vitriolic abuse at their victims. Verbal trickery is their preferred method of manipulation and they have a talent for saying the right thing at the right time to confuse, belittle and degrade the other person. They devalue their victims, purposefully seeking to make them feel worthless so that they may subjugate them to their will. The unrelenting mind games of the narcissist are incredibly damaging to those on the receiving end; they can lead to anxiety, depression, and a whole host of other psychological effects. Victims are left traumatized by the bombardment, with emotional pain that seems to have no end. They become mentally crippled by the onslaught, not understanding what is happening or how to escape from it. That’s why it is so important to educate yourself regarding the sadistic language of narcissists; only then will you be able to recognize it when you encounter it.
For some strange reason both he and my first boyfriend always used the words:
Knowingly or unknowingly...
He also liked to use the words:
Intentionally and unintentionally...
I'm not sure why, I guess it's some narc-thing that translates likely to intentionally and knowingly, being a way of lying about the fact that all they do is intended to cause harm, but this is their way of throwing you off. They actually offer courses on "narc-speak" that teaches you what narcs actually mean with their common phrases. All their remarks about not wanting to hurt you actually mean... they enjoy hurting you. Damn narcs make no sense at all!
While they say that hurting you actually makes the narcissist feel better, by telling Ben he was hurting me resulted in him feeling hurt, completely disregarding my pain and lashing out at me for hurting him by saying he was hurting me. What, what, what? Sorry I left your head spinning with that one.
It's true though, telling a narcissist that they're hurting you actually hurts them, I guess because they're so hypersensitive to criticism.
Telling a non-narcissist they're hurting you results in them stopping the behavior that's causing you pain. Because the narcissist doesn't recognize you as your own being, they don't recognize you feel pain since they can't feel it themselves, therefore your pain doesn't exist to them, what exists is the pain you created by telling them they've done something wrong (i.e. hurting you).
While Ben was perfect with me during the starts of round 2, I won’t deny wondering if he didn’t snap at his boyfriend occasionally, just like he used to do with me behind closed doors. I often joked and called him Regina George from “Mean Girls,” that's how he came off especially in written form.
What the fuck are you saying, Ben?
He had this way of making statements that were complimentary, yet seemed a bit back-handed; he also said things that left me wondering if what he said was a positive or a negative, whether he was being serious or facetious, and I'd repeatedly ask myself things like:
Did he leave off and apostrophe and a 't', so what he means to say is the opposite of what I think?
Like the above: I didn't know what the hell to make of that, Ben later said it was him saying sorry. All I knew was that his way of speaking was uniquely Ben. Here's a good example, what does this mean to you? Something good? Something bad?
Often his speech would border on the edge of I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-you're-evening-saying, take the below for example. I was often left scratching my head, wondering what he was trying to say, let alone trying to figure out if it was something I should be worried about or rather something good. Who the fuck texts that, and what the hell does it even mean?!?!?!?
Back in round 1 Ben could be a challenging personality to always get along with. God forbid you tried and make him do something he didn’t want to do, or you said that one wrong word, or failed to read his mind (because he often said very little, or used “vague queues” to express himself, only to get angry when you didn't understand these ambiguous ways of expression), because he was sometimes quick to fly off the handle at least with those who were close to him. One thing Ben really hated to do was repeat himself; he acted like it was a cardinal sin to ask him to say something more than once, despite being a quiet guy who often said very little, and said things from a distance where you legitimately couldn't hear what he was saying a lot of the time.
We all have our pet peeves and nuances, we all have our quirks, I know I do, but Ben's were quite unique I must admit. With others, however, they'd never guess there was a dark side to him. Hell, he'd even tell me about it, I'd experience it first-hand, and he was so good as his own game that he'd quickly gaslight me into forgetting everything. Cognitive dissonance would take over and I'd live in the land of blissful ignorance repeatedly, time and again while the real horror story was being set up to go live and then keep going on indefinitely.
And so far during round 2, though, his darkness seemed to have disappeared completely; perhaps, I thought, it was just part of his youth and he'd grown out of it. I didn't even think about it after our first few times hanging out. Darkness aside, Ben was still a bit of a Prima Donna in his own mind, however. But unlike when I first met him, he did a great job at hiding it, it wasn't nearly as overt and obvious, but did pop out its head from time to time. I know Ben still thought everyone wanted to sleep with him, and he was probably half right about that, after all Ben was a cutie, although not nearly as hot as he thought he was. But his vanity had diminished significantly, whatever had showed Ben the light, it really seemed to have worked. He was hell-bent in being my friend, in fact, I've never had someone put so much effort into a friendship in my entire life.
The words that came out of his mouth, or through his fingers when texting, were always so magical, they were always so warm and positive, leaving me feeling appreciated and loved.
The words he used were selected for a reason, they were chosen intentionally to persuade me into believing he was someone I could trust and confide in, someone I could rely on, and someone that would always have my back.
His words were chosen to knowingly and intentionally deceive me so that Ben could easily access to my life so he could more easily destroy it.
When we first met, Ben made a point make it known he thought I was no good in bed, and while other guys were impressed with my assets, he’d repeatedly said that I was nothing special. So it was clear from round 1 that Ben wasn’t attracted to me, we had no sexual connection, and I knew better than to let myself catch feelings for him again; if there was one thing I was certain of about Ben, it was that once he made up his mind about anything, particularly men, there was no changing it. I'd been placed in the un-dateable category long ago, and I'd remain there forever. But I didn't mind, because Ben made for a great friend (which was much better than being his boyfriend), plus there was always a bit of drama accompanying him and the guy he was dating. Being his platonic friend, I got to bypass the unnecessary chaos. And for some reason, he was now my biggest fan.
So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and quickly trusted him more than anyone I knew in DC. But they say that trust should always be earned, and not given; while Ben might have done and said lots of nice things for me, I never once considered he wasn't doing these deeds for me but rather for himself instead. Little did I realize, I made a big mistake in giving him the benefit of the doubt so quickly...
One day he confided in me that his relationship was about to end: he and his boyfriend had an open relationship and had promised to be honest with each other if they had outside relations. But he said his boyfriend was constantly cheating on him left and right, denying it, "lying to my face," and that the two of them hadn’t had sex in close to 4 months. Ben said he was starting to hate him, and there were other issues between the boyfriend and Ben’s family. Ben made it clear that the relationship was toxic and coming to an end.
Ben is hands-down the most hypersexual and sexually-liberal guy I'd ever met. Before long, he was making repeated sexual advances towards me, but I always declined. Back then I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, I wasn't comfortable being naked with someone else, I wasn't comfortable having sex with anyone at all. Plus the thought of sex with Ben brought back those eerie memories of him using "sex as a weapon" from round one, which was also something very distinct I'd experienced with my first "boyfriend," as well. Ben was persistent and kept on pushing and pushing for me to have sex with him. Ultimately I agreed to sex with Ben, but only under one condition: if he promised not to discard me like he'd done at the end of round one. Ben completely forgot about having discarded me:
I never discarded you, I just knew it wasn't the right time for us to date. I knew you had so much on your plate and you weren't ready for a boyfriend, and I didn't want to be that guy that led you on when I couldn't take all that on. But I didn't want to give up another chance to date you, that's one reason I'm here today!
I truly believed Ben felt so ashamed about how terribly he'd mistreated me, that his way of coping with his guilt was to live in denial. In reality, he was gaslighting me, only I had no clue what gaslighitng was back then. Ultimately Ben agreed he wouldn't discard me, and the rest is history, unfortunately...
What started out as awkward and clumsy on my part soon changed, and Ben began singing my sexual praises. My sex life went from 0 to 40 hours a week in no time flat. And this new found thing - sex with Ben - became my favorite thing on the planet. I equated sex with love, I equated sex with holding someone in the highest regards. I failed to realize that sex to Ben, despite the facade, was always a weapon.
Foolishly, I believed every word Ben fed me, I thought that despite reading that narcissists weren't capable of love, and even though it honestly felt like I was being hypnotized when Ben said he loved me, because the feeling within me was so strong and authentic I assumed it was the same within him.
I was dead wrong to assume Ben felt anything in a similar way that I did, I was dead stupid for believing a single word he said to me. Believing Ben would end up to be the death of me to my dismay.
So if you haven't caught on yet, this is the story of the guy that gave a second, third, fourth, hell, even a tenth chance before he finally saw enough to make him believe. Even then, Ben was so goddamn good at gaslighting it took a great deal of time apart and repeated criminal acts including him having me robbed repeatedly, hacking into my phone and home computer, being gang-stalked and ultimately fired from my job due to the fuck-face before I fully believed. Never underestimate the strength of the trauma bond when addicted to the narcissist.
And so I came to love Ben, or so I believed, I was actually addicted to him via Stockholm syndrome. I trusted him with my life, I felt safe with him, and I was certain I'd found a best friend for life in Benjamin. I felt so lucky, like the Gods above were finally smiling down upon me for real this time, not like with my first boyfriend when I'd clearly made a mistake and must have hallucinated in looking upward. Turns out I was hallucinating this time, as well.
Narcissists will go to whatever lengths they have to in order to get what they want and so often what they want is revenge. They believe they have been wronged and they react with rage when the world does not give them what they want. They take pleasure in hurting people, especially those who care about them. The goal of the narcissist is literally to destroy, especially someone they think cares about them. Abuse is integral in the “relationship” with a narcissist. It is all they know and the only way they can feel better. The narcissist cares not at all for their partner as a person; the partner only matters inasmuch as what they can do for the narcissist. It is very hard for normal, caring people to understand this and because of that, they often hang on to the relationship thinking they can reach the narcissist. They cannot. A narcissist cannot be reached with love and you cannot appeal to his good graces. He is capable of neither. The narcissist is like a shark, or a machine that is designed to do only one thing. He cannot be swayed, appealed to, reasoned with, deviated or stopped. Hurting you literally makes him feel better. That’s the way it is. You can never make him feel good enough that he will stop. Never. You cannot change him, fix him or “love” him out of it. The only thing you can do is get out of the way.
Unfortunately it would be two years before I stopped hallucinating and finally saw the light for what it truly is: pure darkness. By that time it would be too late, as darkness would have extinguished all the light in my life without any chance of turning it back on.
I was blind to seeing how fake that little turd was, it's only been with time that I learned to see right through his words. Too bad I failed to notice when it mattered, when it could have saved my life... hind site's always 20/20, although it does me no good now.
If only I'd believed Ben's true colors the first time, they say when someone reveals who they are the first time, believe them!
First and third songs written / performed by me, and created for Ben. All the music I've posted on this blog by me were written for Ben. I wrote him music to fight for my spot among the competition. He seemed impressed and said he liked it - I'm not certain if he actually listened to most of the music or rather felt special that music was written in his honor...
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Various types of workplace flexibilities are available to an employee when the employee and/or the employee’s family member(s) are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. To the greatest extent possible, agencies should work in collaboration with the employee to provide leave and/or other workplace flexibilities to help the employee remain safe and maintain his or her work performance.
An agency may choose to develop a policy that would allow an employee who is a victim and/or the employee’s family member(s), as discussed in this section, the opportunity to request leave or other paid time off through a third party, such as an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Coordinator, if the employee does not feel comfortable speaking with a supervisor. Although the supervisor is the only person who can approve the leave, the leave request may be made through the third party. Employees are not required to provide personal details in their requests for leave. However, employees are required to provide enough information in their leave requests so their supervisors know which type of leave is appropriate (e.g., sick leave, annual leave, Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), etc.). Supervisors should consider whether an employee is entitled to a certain type of leave (e.g., FMLA or sick leave) or whether an employee’s request for leave other than under the FMLA should be granted. Details on the administration of leave will be provided by the agency.
An agency is not required to ask for verification or proof of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking, but it may accept the employee’s credible statement as verification. If necessary, verification or proof may also include, but need not be limited to, a service provider’s statement, a protection order, medical records or doctor’s statement, or police or court reports. Under no circumstances should the agency require the employee to contact law enforcement or otherwise report the violence as a condition for accessing leave. To do so could place victims in greater danger.
Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). An employee is entitled to up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave under FMLA if domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking results in a serious health condition26 for the employee that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her position. FMLA leave can also be used to care for a spouse, son or daughter (under 18 or over 18 but incapable of self-care because of a mental or physical disability), or parent of the employee with a serious health condition as a result of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. Annual leave, sick leave, and annual leave donated under the Voluntary Leave Transfer or Voluntary Leave Bank Programs may be substituted for unpaid leave under FMLA.
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Narcissists will go to whatever lengths they have to in order to get what they want and so often what they want is revenge. They believe they have been wronged and they react with rage when the world does not give them what they want. They take pleasure in hurting people, especially those who care about them. The goal of the narcissist is literally to destroy, especially someone they think cares about them. Abuse is integral in the “relationship” with a narcissist. It is all they know and the only way they can feel better. The narcissist cares not at all for their partner as a person; the partner only matters inasmuch as what they can do for the narcissist. It is very hard for normal, caring people to understand this and because of that, they often hang on to the relationship thinking they can reach the narcissist. They cannot. A narcissist cannot be reached with love and you cannot appeal to his good graces. He is capable of neither. The narcissist is like a shark, or a machine that is designed to do only one thing. He cannot be swayed, appealed to, reasoned with, deviated or stopped. Hurting you literally makes him feel better. That’s the way it is. You can never make him feel good enough that he will stop. Never. You cannot change him, fix him or “love” him out of it. The only thing you can do is get out of the way.
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I was removed from the Federal Service (FDA) after 14 years of employment on July 11, 2018, for “poor performance.” At first glance, this appears to be your typical case of an employee’s performance dropping to unacceptable levels and being let-go, and I’d wager that reviewing my FDA history as documented by my supervisor and HR, this appears to be an accurate assessment. But it fails to include the whole truth, and by taking my side of events into account along with the evidence I’ve acquired what becomes apparent is that foul play from multiple angles was involved in my removal from the Federal service.
I acknowledge that my performance became derailed amidst a toxic relationship with another male who happens to be a covert narcissist. My work performance suffered most notedly in the summer of 2017 when dealing with severe domestic violence and stalking by proxy due to my ex, with my supervisor becoming aware that I was gay and dealing with intimate partner violence in July 2017. Craig Kiester, my supervisor, initially seemed sympathetic, encouraging me to take an extended leave of absence to deal with these matters and preserve my job. When I returned to his office several days later to request leave to do so, asking if FMLA was applicable, I was surprised by his response: “I don’t know how to implement leave in your particular situation, Alex.” In time I realized Craig and even HR chose to “play dumb” about the use of FMLA being offered to eligible employees facing these matters per OPM’s Guide for Agency-Specific Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, and Stalking Policies (https://www.opm.gov/policy-data-oversight/worklife/news/2013/2/opm-guide-for-agency-specific-domestic-violence-sexual-assault-and-stalking-policies-released/) as well as numerous incidences that took place leading up to my removal that, at the time, seemed jaw-dropping and unbelievable. Every recommendation outlined in this guidance document was ignored by my FDA superiors, with my supervisor and HR doing the opposite, and my emails to HR asking about the FDA’s policy on these matters were blatantly ignored. At the FDA, I experienced sabotage on the job, I was lied to about important matters (like meeting times, thus arriving late and unprepared), I was harassed, bullied and belittled by my supervisor. I experienced discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender, and Craig and HR refused to use the terms “domestic violence” and “stalking,” reducing them to mere “personal problems that need to remain out of work and are no excuse for poor performance.” What I experienced over the last year seemed like one major mishap after the next and I was shocked that no one was taking note that these were serious matters and they were choosing to compound them in creating more. Coincidentally, the day after I contacted Arlington County Police about matters with my ex (he’d recently admitted to working for a Detective there and was abusing his connections in law enforcement in having me stalked), my supervisor came in on his day off to place me on a 60-day Performance Improvement Plan (PIP). Suddenly, the theme of job loss was incorporate into the cyber-stalking and cyber-bullying I’d began experiencing. I started receiving job vacancy emails I’d never subscribed to and, contrary to the suggestion of the DEA agent associated with my ex, these were not random emails that all people get by visiting pages with cookies. I contacted the company that sent them, asking if these were possibly random or if someone requested these be sent, and they replied saying they were specifically requested and provided me with the requester’s IP address. were sent to me intentionally to covertly taunt me about my impending job loss as the company that sent them provided me the IP address of an someone who’d specifically requested these emails be sent
Despite a performance-based removal (abandoned prematurely mid-way through) being used to justify my termination, the reason I was removed is far more complex and involves inter-agency collusion and conspiracy as well as my ex-boyfriend, Brandon Edwin Small of Clinton, MD. Both my “poor performance” and subsequent removal were intended outcomes of a conspiracy against rights that mirrors a “program of psychological warfare” known as Zersetzung or American Zersetzung. Not only was this force behind my firing, what I’ve since discovered suggests it may be the reason behind my hiring in the first place.
I began my career with the Federal government in 2004 as a Clinical Research Nurse at the NIH after graduating from Nursing School at Hopkins. I was repeatedly promoted and quickly rose to the GS-13 level, being well revered by my colleagues and my patients. I applied to and was offered a position at the FDA as a Regulatory Health Project Manager in early 2015. Somehow, the FDA lost all record of me in its system, claiming they’d lost my “packet of information” despite submitting everything online. One year later, I received an email addressing this transfer like nothing had been lost and all was going smoothly with the transfer. Even more confused but also excited for a change, I made the move to the FDA. Only my 2 years at the FDA didn’t go smoothly like they did at the NIH, they ended in the worst possible scenario I could imagine. But accompanying that worst-case scenario are numerous red flags which show – at a bare minimum – that there’s serious foul play involved in what’s taken place over the course of the last 3 years. And there’s one common denominator outside myself that’s repeatedly surfaced in all this, and it’s my ex-boyfriend, Brandon Small.
I met Brandon and we first dated for several months beginning in late 2014. Brandon initially presented like my soul mate, I’d never met anyone I “clicked” with so well. Then he changed, he’d disappear for days or weeks without telling me, he’d punish me using the silent treatment, he’d frequently use put-downs and belittle me, he was focused on power and control, he’d withhold affection and refer to sex “as a weapon,” and he spoke of having a dark alter-ego he’d nick-named Malachi. This made no sense to me: Brandon had been so altruistic and kind, then suddenly he seemed to derive enjoyment from frequently hurting my feelings. One day I read an article on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it described this change in Brandon quite well. I didn’t know that sending him this article would create “narcissistic injury and rage” and in doing so, I’d effectively dug my own grave that day. Brandon became enraged, swearing I’d never see him again.
Shortly after this, I interviewed for, and was offered, this position (Regulatory Health Project Manager) at the FDA. Despite having submitted everything online, the FDA said they lost all record of me in their system. Disappointed, I continued with my life.
Around that same time, I received a call from Arlington County Police Detective, Thomas Hanula, asking me to come in for questions regarding my neighbor. He’d recently arrested William Brumbaugh for conspiracy to distribute drugs (I believe). I met with Hanula and another agent and answered their questions, they claimed they were questioning everyone that knew Billy. Before I left, Hanula made a strange remark: he cautioned me against using gay chat apps and websites to meet guys, claiming they’d get me into trouble one day. I thought his remark was odd and, due to this, it was something I’ve already remembered, it seemed so out of place.
Brandon and I have a unique history spanning the last 4 years. We initially met in late 2014 and dated for several months. I offended Brandon by suggesting his mistreatment was consistent with an article I’d read on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I’m a Registered Nurse and not licensed to diagnose personality disorders, but I’m confident that Brandon is a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is rarely, if ever, diagnosed by a clinician as he’s etremely manipulative and an incredible actor that’s a master of hiding his “true self,” and he fools the world’s leading clinicians and experts, including Dr. Robert Hare (The Psychopathy Checklist-Revised). It’s typically the covert narcissist’s spouse, partner or children that come to discover his “true self” in time while maintaining the image of being a pillar in the community.
I didn’t realize that addressing this matter in the context of our relationship was dangerous and causes the ultimate “narcissistic injury,” leading to “narcissistic rage” in someone afflicted with NPD. According to the literature, the covert narcissist will go to extreme lengths to destroy the character and livelihood of anyone that discovers his “true self” by smear campaign using proxy abuse. This is what happened to me, making its way into the FDA. Brandon and company were insistent on me being fired for “poor performance” as well as annihilating my 14-year professional career, reputation and record in federal employment in a manner that effectively blacklists me if my removal is rescinded on appeal. They showed me no mercy, they cut no corners in this smear campaign of all smear campaigns. This group has been after me ever since I offended Brandon in early 2015, despite being unaware of this connection until the fall of 2017. This group supports a DEA Task Force in Northern Virginia, and, in my opinion, they represent the deep state; they live above the law, they engage in surveillance abuse, they engage in selective enforcement (arresting nearly every guy Brandon has a personal vendetta against), they show no concern for others’ rights, property or privacy, they engage in character assassination, and they refuse to disclose exculpatory information even if it might save someone’s life – if it darkens their reputations in the slightest. In my opinion, this group’s need for control and vengeance is highly narcissistic / sociopathic and it’s reflected in their choice to engage in crimes involving psychological warfare that are considered torture. They seem to have no problem with using entrapment, the use of “sex as a weapon” and “fake” long-term relationships in creating AND investigating crime is acceptable, they fabricate evidence and lie on official documents, they abuse their authority to exact extrajudicial punishment on those they dislike, and they don’t seem at all concerned with solving or fighting actual crime. The one thing that’s angered this group most is that I have stated that, based on what they’ve done to me alone, they engage in Zersetzung, causing this group to lash out and label me “delusional,” “crazy” and “a drug addict.” Those are the expected responses from perpetrators of this crime. Zersetzung is a program of psychological warfare that aims to negatively influence every aspect of a target’s life in order to condition it to make it easier to destroy. It’s a means of “invisibly” murdering someone by killing off every angle of their existence, it’s a wicked, devious, and insidious crime against humanity invented by the Nazis and still used quietly in the United States by corrupt members of federal and local law enforcement, the military and national security.
Zersetzung involves “a systematic degradation of reputation, image, and prestige through a systematic engineering of social and professional failures to undermine the self-confidence of individuals.” Zersetzung means "Oppression by systematic decomposition", is not the old fashioned bloodier medieval form of torture, but a more modern Orwellian 1984 equivalent that was developed by the former East German Secret Police The STASI to cause severe and prolonged suffering without leaving marks.
“Communist East German Secret Police created and utilized a psychological attack on dissidents until the government’s waning days in the 1980s, to keep their oppressed population under control, it was a system of psychological torture and control called “Zersetzung,” which means “deconstruction” (or decomposition or corrosion loosely in German) of every aspect of a person’s life: their job, their reputation, their friendships, their family relationships, their marriage. This “program” of psychological attack and relentless abuse and trauma was indeed meant to isolate and emotionally destroy the person, with the goal to actually drive them to suicide. This is how East Germany chose to murder pesky dissidents, who were striving purposefully or accidentally by being a free spirit or logical thinker, to free their society from totalitarian monsters. The government did it covertly, backhandedly, and in the ultimate cowardly fashion – even using civilian proxies.”
American Zersetzung involves “data-theft, cyber-harassment, break-ins (usually no sign of forced entry), vandalism, overt harassment, covert harassment, slander, destruction of personal and professional relationships, economic sabotage of targets, and stalking in commercial locations. These are “soft-kill” methods which ruin the lives of innocent American citizens while leaving a “negligible footprint” – i.e. little to no evidence of the harassment and unconstitutional activity perpetrated by the rogue factions within the US Government.”
Zersetzung translates loosely to “corrosion” or “decomposition” in German, referencing its impact on every aspect of a target’s life in an attempt to “silence, neutralize and destroy” him. Zersetzung was widely used by the E. Stasi Police that found it to be more effective than torture or incarceration in silencing pesky enemies of the state, plus it’s carried out in a manner that’s virtually invisible, leaving the target to look like matters are all his fault, removing the Stasis from the equation. Zersetzung relies on personal and professional information gathered on a target, often using community policing, civil “snitches” or spies, and informants. This information is gather, assessed and then used against the target in a manner that to onlookers, appears like the target has just been hit with repeated bad luck. Zersetzung would involve placing someone under constant (or frequent) surveillance, then manipulating events and their environment based what the surveillance revealed. It also relies on character assassination, gossip, set-ups, launching bogus investigations that remain open indefinitely, gaslighting, stalking, tampering with mail and phone communication and devices, having the target get fired and blacklisted, and using a myriad of techniques to terrorize, blackmail, isolate and confuse the target, leaving him in constant emotional (and sometimes physical) pain. The target appears responsible as well as “crazy” or unstable due to the onslaught of psychological abuse and attempting to report crimes that sound outrageous to the average person, thus reinforcing the idea of mental instability. Zersetzung creates mounting domestic and professional hardships for the target that become so abundant, he ultimately can’t deal with a thing as he’s overwhelmed and exhausted, rendering him powerless.
American “Zersetzung” has been reflected in various covert, under-discussed and controversial programs used domestically to silence whistleblowers or “dissidents,” such as Red Squads, “COINTELPRO,” “organized stalking” or “counter-surveillance stalking”. This has increased tremendously since 911 but it’s still not formally acknowledged by most law makers.
Modern-day versions of Zersetzung are rumored to involve “electronic weapons” (EMF or DEW) that are administered using satellites and cell phone towers. While Zersetzung isn’t acknowledged by the U.S. Government or mainstream news media, it’s been proven to exist and even well studied and documented by several social scientists. Currently the California state legislature is considering the first bill to outlaw “organized stalking” as a formal crime. Sworn Affidavits corroborating its existence in the United States have been made by former FBI Chief Ted Gunderson, former FBI Special Agent Geral Sosbee, and former NSA Technical Director William Binney. Dr Daniel Lebowitz, M.D. gave a presentation to a Senate Hearing on these matters in December 2014.
Officers associated with this DEA Task Force have repeatedly targeted me, slandered and defamed me, and have placed me under some sort of surveillance abuse and invaded my privacy in an astronomical manner after offending Brandon in early 2015. I’m his / their narcissistic scapegoat in many ways it’s appeared, and I’m naturally concerned about just how far they’ve taken this and how far they’ll push going forward, I fear they won’t stop terrorizing me until I’m destitute, completely discredited, and dead or incarcerated. These “no-touch” torture programs are a complete violation of human rights, constitutional rights, civil rights and liberties, as well as representing domestic terrorism, psychological warfare, and crimes against humanity. They also represent a conspiracy against and deprivation of rights under the color of law. Somehow, Brandon and company managed to engage my supervisor and HR into colluding / conspiring to play along, depriving me my rights in the workplace before firing me, as well as lying to me about number matters as a federal employee, sabotaging my work, creating a hostile workplace environment, interfering with my ability to get outside support in dealing with domestic violence and stalking and preserve my job, and having me removed for “poor performance” at all costs. In speaking with the associated DEA agent on June 18, 2018, she admitted to contacting my supervisor and telling him to fire me. When I suggested this was consistent with organized stalking, she became angry with me by text message, threatening to not be “kind” next time. She then attempted to cover this up by writing a letter (after I was fired, which she already knew) that states I’m under investigation by the DEA for distributing meth. I don’t distribute meth, and she knows this for a fact.
This group carried out a series of horrible interventions intended to enmesh my life with drugs, leave me in a bad situation professional and financially, and then blame it on me, and I’d never have known how I ended up the most lucky person on the place. Their interventions included my life having Brandon, “fake friends” that are informants, and constant stalking with online profiles baiting me into conversations about, they were behind all that and I still didn’t take the bait, which I think is a testament to my character – so now they’ve pulled out the big guns in issuing this defamatory letter. This group has been very specific in how they’ve done this and very specific regarding how they wanted the outcome of each “mishap,” for example they were insistent my removal was for “poor performance” as it supports the premise behind the “false self” Brandon created for me and, at least on paper, takes Brandon out of the equation as causing me these woes once it’s written and sealed at the FDA; after all, nobody gets fired from the government, at least that’s what this group repeatedly said. They’ve carefully had each event carried out to leave my problems appearing to be my own creation, I’m such a mess I create disaster in all these areas. Only there’s another common denominator I was lucky enough to discover: Brandon and company. So this isn’t all my own doing, they’ve been involved in every single thing. Why would someone waste time and energy on something this juvenile and petty? This is all because Brandon’s wounded ego needs to be responsible for destroying me. In addition to attempting to provide an alibi for their communication (violation of due process, extrajudicial punishment and a prohibited personnel practice), this letter about a bogus investigation prevents me from working for the Federal government if my removal is rescinded on appeal. This defamatory letter might also impact my ability to have a fair appeal with my job removal, and effectively leaves me blacklisted. Not only is it untrue, I’d wager (as many of these matters are consistent with Zersetzung) it remains open indefinitely to create a major obstacle for me in finding employment. A few days later, I received a voicemail from a new employer, leaving 2 numbers to call them back. When I tried doing so, my calls wouldn’t go through. Verizon confirmed that somehow my number had been blocked on the terminal end of this new employer’s phones; this suggests that whomever is eavesdropping on my phone had the ability to quickly block me on this new employer’s phone, which is in violation of the Civil Rights Act of 1968. This group wants to punish me, and they’ve repeatedly done so in a covert manner, making it virtually impossible to prove. This group has set me up to be destroyed from 100 different directions: they’ve assassinated my character, they’ve gotten me fired, they’re preventing me from having a fair chance in getting my job back, and they’ve set me up to remain destitute and unable to find work going forward. Not only were these officers behind my firing, they may also be the reason behind me being hired at the FDA in the first place. This will make sense later on but this all comes as part of Brandon’s narcissistic smear campaign that has left my life in ruins.
One year after angering Brandon, he resurfaced in my life, only this time he presented with kindness, altruism and lavished me with more attention and affection than I’d ever experienced. I didn’t understand what a narcissist was, and I thought Brandon decided to change his behavior for the better. Brandon began contacting me daily, trying to spend all his free time with me, and quickly becoming my close friend and ultimately my boyfriend. Brandon went on to “teach” me how to have sex, having sex with me ~2,000 over a 2-year period. I considered him to be my first love.
It was several months after his return that, out of the blue, I received an email from the FDA addressing the job transfer like all was going smoothly, according to plan, as if they’d never lost my information the year prior. Ecstatic for a change, I made the move to the FDA. Brandon insisted on updating my home computer network as I’d be able to work from home a few days each week. I’m not very tech-savvy, Brandon claimed he knew some basics, although I’ve since discovered Brandon has an extensive background in IT, previously having his own blogs and websites dealing with computer code and various computer and cellular phone applications. Brandon had always told me he worked for UPS since we first met, frequently wearing a UPS outfit when he’d visit me after work. I never considered Brandon was doing something nefarious in working on my computer but in time it appears that’s the case. Brandon and I spent 10 months together without even a single argument and then after a minor disagreement, he discarded me like he had a when we first met, blocking me in his phone without any explanation or closure. He returned several weeks later and what ensued was 14 months of narcissistic abuse that left me a shell of my former self: gaslighting, withholding, discarding, emotional blackmail, coercion, degradation, humiliation, threats, control, humiliation, character assassination, smear campaigning and damage to my home, my property and having hacked into my phone and computer. Brandon’s mistreatment left me feeling suicidal on two occasions and these officers were aware, they later taunted me about feeling suicidal by phone.
My time at the FDA didn’t seem to go well either. Unlike at the NIH, my FDA supervisor had a grudge against me it seemed, and wasn’t helpful when I’d reach out asking for assistance or additional experience in sitting with senior staff to learn things I didn’t know. Especially during my first few weeks at the FDA, I experienced a series of events that seemed like sheer bad luck: my car was totaled one morning driving in, I had several robberies, my new car then was hit and damaged in the FDA parking lot, and the number of misfortunes seemed outrageous. My supervisor, Craig Kiester, initially questioned me about these incidences, suggesting I might be someone that abused leave. After witnessing more and more events like this, Craig would later joke about how unlucky I was. Within a few days of getting off orientation, the FDA launched a new platform where I’d be doing most of my work. Being new in working on my own, and now with a brand-new computer system to do this job, I felt lost and at a disadvantage. I reached out to Craig asking for help but he ignored my emails, never responding. In one instance Craig assigned me 15 applications almost concurrently (I’d say we typically get 2-3 at a time). I asked him if he thought it was manageable and he said yes, brushing off my concerns. Several days later another senior staff member noted the number of concurrent assignments and approached me, saying it was not manageable, and taking several ANDA applications back. In another instance, I discovered I needed to be out for surgery for what appeared to be an inguinal hernia. I informed Craig of this one day and that’s when he chose to inform me that he was concerned I’d miss several deadlines. He didn’t cite any examples, and as I’d previously reached out to him asking for assistance with the “dashboard” features which provides an overview of the status of all our ANDA applications, he knew I didn’t have a solid understanding of how to manage my caseload over all. I ended up asking another senior staff for assistance, and she gave me a lesson on how to use this feature more efficiently. I then discovered Craig was correct: I had several applications that were about to have major deadlines missed. Despite being in a great deal of pain, by the close of business that day I’d tied up all loose ends, not missing a single deadline. Why Craig didn’t take a few minutes to use that as a learning opportunity came off as him not wanting me on board, which is how he’d repeatedly left me feeling in numerous other instances. He’d also waited until I was about to be out on sick leave to tell me this instead of telling me when this initially came to his attention. While subjective, it seemed like Craig didn’t want to see me succeed at the FDA.
My relationship with Brandon also had a negative impact on my abilities at work, which I accept responsibility for in not managing my outside relationship better, allowing it to invade my mind while at work. Being in a relationship with a narcissist takes a serious tole on one’s mental health, sanity and life over all. It seemed like Brandon would often text me with something negative or cryptic in the mornings upon arrival to work, which would “throw me off” for the rest of the day, taking my attention away from work and instead on whatever matter his vague texts would be hint dropping at. Brandon frequently discarded me or told me I was kicked out of his “life forever,” often leaving me depressed and unable to sleep, and he’d often discard me and leave me completely blocked without an explanation for weeks at a time. I’d become an emotional wreck each time and what I didn’t realize is that each time this strengthens the trauma bond between abuser and victim. The abuser leaves his victim in a terrible state, craving the love and attention they’ve been previously bombarded with. The only person that can provide a “fix” and resolve the victim’s pain is the abuser, who upon return, then becomes the savior. It’s a horrible mind-game that narcissists do to the victims, which several authors describe as creating a “biochemical bond from hell.”
It never crossed my mind that Brandon hadn’t returned for love as he claimed, but rather to get revenge in waging a smear campaign against me. By suggesting he was a narcissist in early 2015, I’d committed the worst offense in the eyes of a covert narcissist, but I didn’t realize it. The narcissist fears “exposure” of his true self more than anything, insisting that the world only recognizing the “false self” he projects. If you address the narcissist’s “true self” like I had, in fearing the truth being known by others, he reacts by destroying your reputation by using third parties, exposing you to the world as being this “false self” the narcissist creates using lies, rumors, gossip, slander, set-ups and projecting his own faults and wounds onto the victim. The narcissistic smear campaign using proxy abuse is so common and expected that modern-day psychology refers to the narcissist’s associates that do his bidding as “flying monkeys.” Brandon never informed me that his “flying monkeys” included Agent Hanula from Arlington County Police, another DEA agent (they’d both arrested my neighbor after I initially angered Brandon) and his parents working in high job roles for the Defense Information Systems Administration (DISA) and the Air Force / Air National Guard. I also didn’t realize that after angering him in 2015, somehow he had me placed on some sort of “watch list,” and my phone and life were placed under unlawful surveillance. Brandon would also encourage me to use drugs with him and by saying “no,” he’d react by discarding me, withholding sex, or ending the relationship altogether. In one instance, he brought over paraphernalia he wanted to keep at my home, which I immediately threw out. I thought that he wanted to indulge in drugs occasionally, but I never suspected he wanted to introduce drugs into my life so he could later use them against me. I wanted the best for us meanwhile he kept pushing for the worst in the relationship. Brandon treated me better than anyone had treated me in my entire life – he also treated me worse than I ever imagined someone could treat another person, the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde. I describe this relationship in the same way every survivor of a narcissistic relationship dThis relationship killed me, but I found myself “addicted” to Brandon strangely, I was “groomed” into accepting his abuse, I became desensitized to walking around on egg shells, cautious I’d use the wrong word and anger him. You’ll see in the literature this commonly described, as the narcissist’s intermixing of the good (“love-bombing”) and the bad (devaluation) leads to the formation of a trauma bond or Stockholm syndrome. Brandon also knew how to use “sex as a weapon” quite well, only I didn’t realize what he was doing. Brandon was my sexual awakening and he held a great deal of power over me as a result, but I never realized just how much power he had until he could control me by withholding sex and affection, it’s like I turned into his slave. Brandon sought complete power and control over my life and my sense of reality, as well, and he’d always re-write history and lie about things that happened, he’d lie about everything and he’d believe his own lies and “punish” me with the silent treatment if I challenged him. He isolated me from my family and friends and, without me realizing it, he served as the gatekeeper of information about me to the outside world. He didn’t speak kindly or truthfully about me I’d come to find out later, but apparently this is how all narcissists speak about their partners as they anticipate every relationship ending badly. The narcissist is only concerned with appearances and the superficial, they’re consumed with lies and they detest the truth. Substance and character don’t matter to the narcissist, obedience and compliance does. They want to ensure their image is “squeaky-clean” and others are viewed as the narcissist. This personality disorder intrigued me at first as Brandon had unique ways of saying and doing things, he had quirks that were intriguing, only I’d discover this personality disorder had destroyed my life when it was too late to get out. Brandon somehow managed to “get into” everything – my home computer network, my cell phone, my job, my reputation, he is incredibly manipulative, but you don’t realize how impeccable the narcissist is in manipulating everyone, both directly and indirectly, until the day arrives when you realize everyone you meet already knows you – but through what the narcissist has told others about you.
I also had some very strange health issues during my tenure at the FDA that none of my doctors could figure out despite major work-ups being performed. I’d developed this large, painful mass in my scrotum that they initially thought was a hernia only it wasn’t. I became experiencing fluid retention throughout my body. I became extremely sensitive to heat, my body would burn and itch with pins and needles if I became the slightest big hot. I found myself feeling fatigued and groggy; I’d always had a sleep disorder (PLMD) and had difficulty sleeping but suddenly I’d find myself dozing off randomly at work or in different places. I felt like I was losing control over my own body
In June 2017, I discovered Brandon hacking into my phone. I became suspicious of foul play and decided to record the conversation when I confronted him, and he shocked me in saying he might have lied about me to this officer Hanula that supported the DEA Task Force in Northern Virginia because he wanted me permanently discarded from his life. He gave this eerie metaphor about me being a rotten tree branch that needed to be cut off from his perfect tree; it was a metaphor about me being killed. It was disturbing and seemed like a massive act of betrayal, leaving me in a deep depression that summer, completely perplexed how this had happened and how he’d known this agent that sought me out years before. Brandon also told me the agent had done things with my phone since long before this, and I discovered in my phone bills likely 80% of the numbers reflected in calls and texts were numbers I’d never communicated with. Then I began to experience a series of bizarre, invasive and seemingly personalized cyber-stalking and cyber-bullying events that seemed custom-tailored to me. The profiles often commented on my deepest insecurities and referenced things only Brandon knew. I noticed they were constantly were baiting me into conversations about drugs or wanting money for sex, as well. It almost seemed like it was Brandon trying to “flip the script” and portray me as him by having me chat with these profiles as strange as that might sound. It was eerie and bizarre. I experienced a series of phone hackings, phone robberies from my home, I’d be trying to send an email about my phone matters to forensics firms only to have them blocked. I didn’t realize it but whomever was surveilling my phone was listening in and had the ability to then thwart my ability to seek help with matters related to Brandon. My computer seemed to have someone else accessing it and in one instance I saw Brandon deleting my emails; I pulled the ethernet cord and it stopped. Later on, Brandon would blame this all on detective Hanula, and my admin rights were removed from my own computer so I couldn’t download Itunes for example; after 6 months I texted Hanula, and while he didn’t acknowledge the message, shortly after my computer shut down and restarted and I had my admin rights given back to me. It seems like my own condo has been taken over by this group and they refuse to address matters, which has been extremely frustrating, frightening and creates a sense of torture. I had a break-in where someone stole a phone, Brandon claimed he found photos of this from a profile on Grindr oddly, texting me photos of the event that include a nude stranger on my bed. The call log reflects calls being made to him when it was robbed on 8/19/17. Whomever stole it used a deadbolt key as there was no sign of forced entry. Months before, Brandon had left accidentally with my deadbolt key one night. It seemed like there are many instances that now jump out as suspicious with Brandon. I also began to develop symptoms of PTSD although I didn’t realize it initially. It seemed like there’d be so many stressors at once that my brain would shut down, leaving me unable to focus on anything in the periphery. I later found out these are known as dissociative episodes.
My work performance became negatively impacted and my supervisor described these outside matters as “consuming” me, and he was right. He and HR became aware that I was gay and dealing with domestic violence and stalking in July 2017. Despite my supervisor initially seeming supportive, suggesting I take extended leave to deal with matters and to preserve my job, when I returned to his office several days later to ask about using leave and if FMLA could apply, he said he didn’t now how to implement leave in my situation. Then I was late one day due to matters related to stalking, and I was placed on written reprimand for being AWOL. While he’d say how supportive and sympathetic he was towards my “personal problems,” his behavior showed the opposite. He never used the terms “domestic violence” or “stalking,” he and HR would always referred to them as mere “personal problems that need to be left at home, and shouldn’t have an impact on your job performance.” When I called HR to discuss the situation outside work and mentioned it involved a same-sex ex that’s a narcissist, she quickly used cut me off, telling me my outside matters belonged at home. She also used the same, exact language, making me feel like nobody there understood how intimate partner violence can impact one’s entire life. One should not bring their personal life into work, but these forms of violence are so notorious for doing so that I eventually discovered an OPM guidance document on how to best treat employees dealing with them. I’d later ask HR and Craig if the FDA had incorporated that guidance document into their policy; not once did they answer me. They’d answer every other question but that one. Craig referred me to the EAP and my counselor later called Craig by phone, advising him that I needed to use leave, only he told me since I didn’t have a plan in place, he wouldn’t approve it as he was concerned I’d lay around all week in bed. I found this odd, I didn’t know where he’d gotten that impression from.
Leading up to my removal, I experienced discrimination due to sexual orientation and gender in dealing with domestic violence and stalking by a same-sex ex-partner, I experienced interference with FMLA that resulted in worsening mental health and work performance with Craig “playing dumb” when I asked about it on more than one occasion, I experienced sabotage with assignments, I was repeatedly lied to about important matters like meeting dates and times, I found Craig became increasingly belittling and inappropriate. He knew I was experiencing a great deal of strange, invasive stalking and surveillance-type concerns, he knew that my ex might work with police and seemed to be abusing his connections there and access to sophisticated technology to stalk and terrorize me. Craig seemed to put in extra effort to make me feel even worse: “You said you finally understood what was going on with him, but now you say you don’t? It’s been months now and you’re only getting worse!” The things he said seemed forced, at times I felt like he was acting (and acting badly). I felt humiliated by my supervisor at times, in one instance, he chastised me for telling a co-worker I’d been struggling with domestic violence and being stalked. My workplace environment became hostile and unsupportive, Craig would confront me and point out things I’d done wrong like I was unique in this way – only then he’d go on to throw a pizza party for the entire group as everyone was having the same problem. It seemed like I was singled out but it made no sense why he seemed to always find fault with what I said, like I was making up stories. I know my story is strange but one thing about it is that it doesn’t change because it’s true.
My ex-boyfriend is a covert narcissist, and they wage smear campaigns using proxy abuse against their ex-partners. They’re notorious for destroying every aspect of their ex’s lives through character assassination, stalking, gossip, slander, and covert narcissistic abuse. Over the last decade, a phenomenon known as “organized stalking” has become synomymous in In the case of my ex, his associates work for Arlington County Police, the DEA, and his parents work for the Defense Information Systems Administration and the Air Force. This smear campaign has involved sophisticated technology used to cyber-stalk, harass, and terrorize me. On December 21, 2017, I called Arlington County Police to report misconduct on the part of my ex-boyfriend. Coincidentally, the next morning my supervisor came in on his day off from work to place me on a 60-day Performance Improvement Plan. Suddenly I began experiencing cyber-stalking and harassment with the theme of me being fired, including profiles contacting me saying, “All I want for Christmas is a job,” and someone having subscribed to numerous job vacancy email subscriptions to covertly taunt me about my impending firing it seemed. I asked to meet with HR to provide evidence of this domestic terrorism and she immediately sent a calendar invite to my supervisor and 2 union representatives. I wasn’t informed of the meeting being rescheduled, in fact, I was lied to about it and ending up arriving panicked. Coincidentally, upon arrival I was told I’d already failed the PIP and should resign, this was day 32 of the PIP. , (I was lied to about I experienced discrimination, harassment, the outcome of my 60-day Performance Improvement Plan was pre-determined in being told on day 32 that I’d already failed it, thus prematurely ending it. I was placed on a PIP the day after I contacted police regarding a serious matter and, coincidentally, I was advised I’d failed the PIP the day I showed up to present evidence to HR and my supervisor about this same serious matter. I’ve since discovered this serious matter was also behind my firing and represents a conspiracy against rights that involves the FDA and other federal agencies. Both my “poor performance” and subsequent removal were the intended, desired outcomes of a program of psychological terrorism known as American Zersetzung. This is referred to as organized stalking, COINTELPRO, and it’s denied to even exist by our government despite California leg I’m asking that the OSC investigate this conspiracy to have me fired that’s also been set up to prevent me from regaining federal employment if my removal is rescinded on appeal. I’m now suspicious that my hiring at the FDA in April 2014 was part of this conspiracy given the context of what’s transpired overall.
My removal from the federal service was a form of extrajudicial punishment as well as retaliation likely initiated by outside agencies but making its way to the FDA where my supervisor and HR were instructed to carry this out. My removal may involve “whistle-blowing,” but because I was attempting to report misconduct within the DEA and Arlington County Police, thus outside the FDA, I’m not sure if this meets the definition of “whistle-blowing” or not.
The mounting problems I’m facing with my job loss arrived as part of the stereotypical narcissistic smear campaign using proxy abuse after a long-term relationship with a covert narcissist of the same-sex. According to the literature, smear campaigns that manipulate third parties into carrying out the attacks are expected with narcissists and others with Cluster B Personality Disorders. It just so happens that my ex-boyfriend has associates working in local and federal law enforcement (Arlington County Police Department and the Drug Enforcement Administration), and his parents work in information technology, satellite technology and telecommunications for the Defense Information Systems Administration (DISA) and the Air Force. With a support network including police, military, and national security, this smear campaign reflects “American Zersetzung,” which include COINTELPRO or “organized stalking.” Such programs aim to discredit and destroy a targeted individual that has been deemed a “dissident,” an “enemy of the state,” a “whistleblower,” or has angered someone in power. Zersetzung is a program of psychological warfare and terrorism perfected by the E. Sasis Police, the word “Zersetzung” translating loosely in German to “corrosion” or “decomposition” in referencing its impact on every aspect of the target’s life: his career, family, support system, finances, mental and physical health, and overall well-being and ability to function. The Stasis found that by creating mounting domestic and professional problems for a target that appeared like random bad luck (only lots of it, and back-to-back), in time he became so exhausted and inundated with woes that he lost the will to fight, gave up, developed PTSD or other mental health problems, committed suicide or died due to illness influenced by trauma and stress. They found Zersetzung to be more effective than torture or incarceration, and in being carried out in a manner that’s virtually invisible, it leaves the target appearing responsible for his plight, thus removing the Stasis from visibly being the culprit. Zersetzung uses surveillance abuse, character assassination and defamation, gossip and lies, bogus investigations, set-ups and framings, covert and overt harassment, break-ins, sabotage, job loss, blacklisting, gaslighting, and assigning the target to a derogatory group (drug addict, pedophile, prostitute, abuser, etc..) so that speaking out about matters results in bringing embarrassing allegations to light. It’s a catch-22 for the target, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Zersetzung is carried out by corrupt individuals in law enforcement and the military along with civilian “snitches” and spies, as well as civilian and confidential informants that often infiltrate the target’s life, pretending to be friends or lovers. It often unwittingly involves members of the target’s community, co-workers, friends and family, who are told that the target is under “investigation” and garnishing their support. The goal of Zersetzung as well as the smear campaign, COINTELPRO and organized stalking are all one in the same: to negatively influence the target’s life in order to condition it and then destroy it. These programs aim to create extreme and constant emotional (and sometimes physical) pain, financial, domestic and professional hardships, job loss, blacklisting, and ultimately traumatize the target into feeling and appearing unstable, becoming unhinged and often acting out in ways that land them in legal trouble. The primary goals of these forms of “no-touch” torture are to facilitate homelessness, institutionalization, incarceration or suicide. They serve to murder a target without visibly committing a crime.
Both my “poor performance” and subsequent removal were the intended outcomes of this group attack that was planned out in advance and executed in a methodical way by my FDA supervisor, Craig Kiester, along with HR representative , and others, done so in a manner that leaves little trace of wrong-doing behind. Without my side of events and sharing my evidence, I’d wager that on paper, my employment file has been left in a way that makes this look like it’s all my fault and that my “poor performance” is reflective of irresponsibility and drug use. That’s not the case at all. My “poor performance” is a reflection of experiencing sabotage on the job, being given unfair assignments, interference with FMLA, repeatedly being lied to about important matters, being denied my rights as a federal employee, and experiencing discrimination on the basis of gender and sexual orientation after disclosing I was the victim of domestic violence and stalking and instead of following the recommendations per OPM’s guidance directive on these forms of intimate partner violence, my supervisor and HR chose to do the opposite. My firing was a form of extrajudicial punishment as well as retaliation, only this originated outside the FDA but garnished the direct support and participation of FDA staff.
planned out in advance and involves individuals outside of the FDA. I am the target of a stereotypical narcissistic smear campaign using proxy abuse; I was in a long-term relationship with another male who is a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist destroys the credibility, reputation and life of those that discover his secret by manipulating others into carrying out an attack that effectively leaves his target viewed as the abuser, as a criminal, as not credible, etc… As bizarre as this sounds, it’s well-documented in the literature and expected when leaving a relationship with a narcissist. What makes my situation extreme is that my ex-boyfriend’s harem of “flying monkeys” (how modern-day psychology refers to those that do the narcissist’s bidding)
My removal was unlawful on numerous grounds, including discrimination based on gender and sexual orientation, my Performance Improvement Plan (PIP)
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A narcissist can seem to love you. A narcissist can make it look like love. A narcissist can say the words of love. A narcissist can think it’s love. Unfortunately, when involved with a narcissist, you are enmeshed but not in love. You can be enmeshed and mistake that for love. But enmeshment and love are not the same thing. Enmeshment is an unusual relationship situation that can be very hard to identify when it’s happening to you.
When you’re involved with a narcissist, it is a natural state of things. Unfortunately a person who grows up to become an adult narcissist did not feel safe to separate from his/her caregiver in early childhood. As a result, an adult narcissist is enmeshed with other people and is unaware that others exist as separate beings. It’s as if one person in the “mesh” does not exist - and it’s you.
A healthy relationship involves two separate individuals who merge and connect. There is joy and relief in both separating and connecting. In a relationship with a narcissist, the fact of enmeshment means you are not separate so you can’t connect. It’s as if you exist for the purpose of the narcissist. It’s commonly described as if you are an “extension” of the narcissist.
Narcissists use sex as a tool - to obtain something from you, to get you to do something they want, and prior to giving it up altogether, they will usually act as if being intimate with you is a chore. The mask has slipped, and you've glimpsed the darkness it hides. The kind, adoring, wonderful, too-good-to-be-true persona you fell for was never real, and neither was the sexual creature you thought he was. To the disordered, sex is transactional in nature. The enthusiastic, acrobatic, anything-goes romps were as much a tool to hook you and reel you in as their loving words and adulation were.
A relationship with a Narcissist has been compared to being on a roller coaster, with immense highs and immense lows. They have been described as the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, one way one minute, another the next. People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.
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2 years prior, I’d been chatting online with a guy and agreed to meet up, inviting him over. I told him I’d need at least an hour to get ready but ten minutes later he’d arrive, texting anxiously from his car, insisting on coming in at that moment. I got a bad vibe as he was so demanding, so I told him I was no longer interested. I’d forgotten about that incident altogether until recently when I saw he’d reappeared online, his GPS-location just a thousand feet away. We started chatting; he said he’d moved up the street and gave me his number, asking me to send a text. I did…
When he responded to my text, his a4a screen name, apexpredaTor, appeared underneath his message, like a signature; only it wiggled around my screen oddly. I hadn’t seen anything like that before. Then something even more odd happened: his number started wiggling also… and began to move outside the message towards the top of my phone. I did a double-take.
Is this really happening? What the hell is happening here?
I pinched myself: no, I wasn’t dreaming. Whatever this oddity was, it was really happening before my eyes.Suddenly the number settled down, replacing my number in the spot designated for the phone’s lead contact. As if that wasn’t odd enough, then the number changed into another number – WTF?!?!? This was beyond perplexing and unnerving; I texted the number:
What are you doing? Are you hacking into my phone?
I heard the sound of a phone go off nearby; I’d recently bought a track phone to have as back up amidst my cell phone turmoil. It was my track phone that received the text I thought was going to the guy in the profile. The screen began to flash and flicker before going black: my little Track phone was dead thereafter. I have no idea how this happened, how this occurred, how someone even knew the number for my track phone (when I didn’t know it). I tried to send him an email through adam4adam and his profile was already deleted.
A year later I’d stumble upon the meaning of apex predator…
That night I contacted DC police, who arrived within minutes. They weren’t very helpful nor sympathetic:
So… what crime exactly was committed here? Maybe you should be evaluated by a doctor.
As subsequent hacks led me to call the police repeatedly over the next few months, their responses were always dismissive:
If this phone is causing you problems why not get rid of it? What do you really need a phone for?
Or they’d make remarks like:
You can’t live without the internet? Don’t you remember life back in the day when you didn’t have technology? Life was probably better back then, wasn’t it?
The officers clearly enjoyed using their internet-ready smart phones, they’d frequently cut me off mid-sentence to discuss more important crimes on their new, shiny phones. I’m not a mobile forensics expert or I’d have known what was going on, but the police seemed irritated that I was clueless; I could only describe the events that took place, not the technology behind it.
They seemed annoyed, like I was intentionally wasting their time. Ultimately DC MPD informed me they don’t investigate cyber crimes outside of fraud; they advised me to contact the FBI who turned out to be even more unhelpful.
I always spoke to the same woman at the FBI when I called and I came to know her well over the next few months. She had no interest in assisting me, either. She would frequently become short with me and hang up if I disagreed with her. It seemed like my calls were diverted to her whenever I called for some reason.
And no matter what I reported, no matter what I said to refute her advice, she always gave one of two answers:
That’s not a crime… (it’s not a crime for someone working undercover in law enforcement to…. have sex with someone they’re trying to get in trouble with the law, invade someone’s privacy repeatedly, place spy cameras in their house, arrange fake dates for them, make sure every day ends in rain to further drag them down… none of that is against the law. Click!).
Or else she’d say:
That’s an internet crime. Report it to the IC3.
The IC3 never responded and I sent numerous emails that summer. Not to mention these weren’t internet crimes either. These were organized, privacy-invading, mind-fucking crimes aimed at confusing me, causing me to doubt my sanity, and convincing everyone else that I was crazy. Hack after hack soon consumed my mind, I couldn’t get anyone to help, and I couldn’t find anyone who’d pay me and my phone issues any attention.
I saw the same apex predator guy online several months later, now with a different screen-name. Whoever / whatever he was, he wasn’t some random gay guy looking to meet for friendship or fun. He was an impostor, he was a fake, and he saw fit to destroy my track phone – my best guess – because whomever he worked for was tracking my communication… and it’s easier to monitor one phone instead of two. He even sent me another message referencing his hack job, one cryptic phrase – “yer phone” – then silence. His screen name below is – Imawesome310.
Over the course of the next year I’d see him repeatedly, always advertising that he was versatile, liked raw (unsafe) sex and liked to parTy (do drugs). It sounded identical to Ben almost, except with different photos of course…
Ben had mentioned the day of the recorded chat that:
Those people had been doing things to your phone for a while.
When I went back to look at my phone records going back a year — I stopped at the one year mark because I felt nauseated — 80% of the calls and texts appearing in my phone bill involved numbers I’d never had any contact with before; and T-Mobile said a lawyer was needed to get the records. Rrrrgh… why was my phone of such interest to others? And why did it all seem related to Ben? Why the hell did he know – yet I knew nothing?
Life was changing: big brother was watching, or better said, bigger brothers had me under some electronic, unlawful surveillance, and they were on me from all angles, flexing their muscles. That fucking Ben!
It seemed like everywhere, as far as the eye could see, there were profiles blatantly advertising their use of drugs – like poinTing refers to injection meth. Why was the entire world on Grindr now on hard-core drugs? This seemed to appear out of nowhere, and why Ben wasn’t after this influx of drug people was beyond me. But the profiles would engage me in conversations frequently about drugs — as if trying to portray me as a “false” version of myself that indulged in drugs and all things bad. Hmmm…
As more and more strange, explainable phone-events took place, everything from finding other people’s numbers somehow linked to my apple ID or my phone numbers being forwarded to foreign numbers, I found myself frustrated, I became anxiety-ridden, paranoid, and I eventually settled into a chronic state of fight or flight that wouldn’t abate. This wasn’t good for my body or my mind, but it’s like I went into “survival mode.” I didn’t know what to make of things, I only knew that things weren’t good. I was unable to concentrate at work or anywhere, I was unable to sleep, and I was unable to do anything but ruminate over what the fuck was going on, how this was possible, and how Ben seemed to have garnish more power than President Donald Trump. WTF?!?!?
Then I began to notice something peculiar: it was as if all the profiles around me online looked… a bit “off,” they had this narcissistic flair that left me questioning:
Is it the profile, or is it me? Is it the profile, or is it me?
The guys often appeared mentally retarded, presented with one-sided ptosis, or were drooling; fat was suddenly the “in” look in my hood, as well. Could this possibly be real or was this bizarre new Grindr landscape a reflection of Ben gaslighting me on an unprecedented scale?.
These profiles aren’t typical of what I’d seen in my neigborhood for the last 10 years, they weren’t typical of any guy putting his best picture up in hopes of meeting Mr. Right or Mr. Right-now, they were a bit freakish. At first, I thought I knew the answer, I was certain I must be experiencing the effects of too much gaslighting over the last 2 years and was having delusions:
It must be me, it can’t be the profiles. Ben doesn’t have the power to do all this, not possible.
And oddly, early on in the fake profile epidemic, before I started taking screen-shots of everything I saw, before becoming suspicious that these profiles were nefarious, I began noticing all these HOT guys that had moved in right down the street from me; there hadn’t been one in 10 years whereas suddenly now there was a plethora. There were all these black guys, like Ben, looking only for white guys, too, which is strange for DC given it’s gay community is a bit segregated, with profiles reading:
Black pole looking for white hole.
They also blatantly advertised wanting to unprotected sex only – with the oxy-moron being that they all were HIV-negative. And they all seemed to have boyfriends, too.
Hmmm… it almost seemed like Ben or someone wanted to tempt me into speaking with them as some sort of proof that I was the bad guy, the “other woman” who’d aggressively gone after Ben when it had been the reverse. I felt like speaking to them made me appear a hypocrite, like I was someone that pursued guys with boyfriends, demanded unsafe sex and was reckless with HIV. It seemed like someone was trying to bait me into chatting with these profiles as if to “flip the script” between me and Ben. Then again, maybe I was just seeing things that weren’t really there after all.
My neighborhood used to have no options when it came to hot, black guys into white guys whereas all the sudden there was such an influx I couldn’t believe it. Only… they all grilled me about my HIV status, and since they were in search of unprotected sex only, I was frequently rejected.
In fact, based on the conversations alone, I could sense which were Ben-related and which weren’t. I knew the ones associated with Ben would drag out the online chat only to suddenly bail on me at the end because they didn’t like my face pic or due to my HIV status. It was like clockwork, and I always knew before the conversation steered that way that it was destined to.
It seemed like all this sudden questioning about my HIV status came off like Ben trying to catch me saying I’m was negative, so he could use it to portray me as reckless. But there’s what I sense, what I believe and what I can prove, however.
Everything about Grindr changed. I’d never seen so many trannies on Grindr before, like Miss Peached / I love booty. I swear she appeared out of nowhere, and had a new glamour-shot style profile every time I turned around.
I’d never seen so many profiles with the names Alex and Ben, either.
This was odd… but it had to be a coincidence as opposed to some giant plot to fuck with my head, no?
Even stranger was how these profiles seemed to follow me around… they’d be close to me at home, they’d be close when I left work 10 miles away, it was as if they were following me. They’d change around their usernames or change their pics frequently, like every day a different variation on the same lead profile. Its like these people had nothing better to do with their lives than create numerous Grindr profiles that were all basically the same theme to begin with. Only this is all too crazy to be real… this all had to be in my head, don’t you think? This isn’t possible, right?
Despite the resurgence of people wearing animal gear, I had to think rationally, I had to use logic, I had to determine what was real, what was C-PTSD from so much narcissistic abuse and that god awful hack / POPO ending versus what was real. I still concluded:
It’s gotta be too much stress from all Ben’s fucking gaslighting, because this cannot be really happening.
I’m not one to typically pick on others, but I’m about to start; I’m sorry but these profiles were a bunch of freaks. Guys typically go on Grindr to meet other guys, to look their best; some have comical profiles, but in all my years using the app, it’s never been like this before.
These profiles just kept getting all the more bizarre and ugly; and these uglies seemed to be stalking me to no end, even if it was all happening in my mind. And why were they, more often than not, an exact 1 or 2 miles away from me? No wonder blocking the guy below never seemed to work – he kept coming back with new profiles to harass me – because he’s not real to begin with. But how could this be happening?
It seemed like with every strange profile I’d see, I’d make a mental note of ; then, like clockwork, each one would reach out and hit me up. They always claimed to have just moved into the area. I’d see them online every single time I logged on up until one day when they’d vanish for good. It was as if they moved out of town a few weeks after moving in, too. Something about the guy below seems… creepy, he looks a bit like Tom Green.
The first time he messaged me because I felt something was “off” with that eerie facial expression; I felt like it was another fake and so I blocked it. Only hours later, dude’s got a new profile and sends another message with that God awful nude pic, only to see yet another actual female-by-birth female on Grindr!?!?!?!
Someone’s definitely trying to fuck with my head!
Grindr’s terms of agreement specifically forbid impersonations… and Grindr is an app for GAY MEN, FTM and FTM transgendered people are included, but not lesbians, not straights, and most definitely, not female politicians. But then one day out of nowhere, I got the below message, calling me a narcissistic psycho. That’s not something one typically encounters in a random chat outing on Grindr; that’s not something I’ve ever heard before except when Ben would project at me, calling me a narcissist. I noticed something eerily familiar in what he wrote:
And that’ what you proved to be.
What, what, what? Come again? “That’s what you proved yourself to be…” and “Thank you for showing your true colors” were Ben’s two trademark lines he’d use before deflating my balloon, managing to flip the blame on me for whatever reason he wanted to use as his excuse for punishing me.
Animals are the new look, eh? I guess Stanley Kubrick came back from the dead and spread the hype of animal outfitted sex to the gay DC community so they’d pay homage to Eyes Wide Shut which, more befittingly should titled Eyes Sewn Shut.
…or maybe someone really was fucking with my head? Maybe that someone was Brandon… these profiles often made me think of him; their language, the way they’d express interest in meeting immediately only to bail at the last minute.
None of the typical faces I’d seen for years were present anymore, there was suddenly an influx of new, more often than not, non-African-American, crazy-looking folks with rather odd, similar-themed profiles having taken over my neighborhood.
I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t use the picture to the right to attract potential suitors. But to each their own; maybe there are a lot more chubby-chasers than I was aware of… or maybe these stalkers were selecting the most outlandish profiles they could create. It definitely left me questioning my sanity, it definitely threw me off, and it definitely resulted in my sex life coming to a dead end.
More and more profiles would move in down the street, only to move out a few days later. I noticed several recurrent themes that seemed to want to flip the script: they’d have boyfriends (like Brandon), they wanted threesomes (which I fought him over), they were HIV negative but wanted unprotected sex. I came to deduce they were trying to flip the script because by me replying, it made me look like I went after guys with boyfriends, I was into threesomes, and I wanted unprotected sex with guys that were HIV-negative; they seemed to want to paint me out to be the bad guy. Guy after guy was from – you guessed it – Virginia – yet somehow they were all super close to me in location despite Virginia being a good 8+ miles away.
The one above initially showed up a few hundred feet away and hit me up; hours later he did again he was at home in… Virginia. A few minutes later his profile was deleted. All these damn Virginians were suddenly in my neighborhood. Whomever said Virginia is for lovers was wrong, it’s for stalkers and haters and phonies.
I also began to notice every time I was on Grindr, this stupid profile – POZ – would “tap” me or send this nasty ass message per below; I’d block him – and he’d then triple-toucan-message me again – despite me blocking him, he was able to get through. So annoying…
Malkyja: a name that was very similar to Brandon’s long-standing nickname, Malachi. And his ageist remark made me think of Brandon, also… plus he was located in, you guessed it, Virginia.
The below was sent 4 months after the first one… same pick-up line, too. There are only 2,000 profiles online at any given time on adam4adam, yet the same profiles in Virginia managed to see and contact me time and again. Go figure!
Malkyja continued hitting me up to point out things like I was up really late, or other stupid shit that nobody would say in real life – especially not someone living all the way in Alexandria, VA. 6 months after his first message to me, he changed what his profile said – as you can see below – it suddenly references none other than the Apex Predator – the screen name of the first profile that destroyed my phone.
This was no coincidence, but rather a way of dangling a giant middle finger in front of me that I couldn’t react to. I was definitely being cyberstalked, and those behind it weren’t kind, they were ruthless, they were nasty, and they were dead set on destroying me it seemed.
The profiles, of course, often referenced drug use, asking if I’d like to parTy. EVERYONE seemed to be on PrEP, too. I realize a lot of gay men were taking PrEP now, but this was disproportionately high based on current statistics.
Suddenly every gay man in Washington, DC wanted to do nothing but drugs. There were no good influences around me, there were no potential friends, there were only drug-addicted assholes surrounding me.
There was one guy I’d chatted with repeatedly over the years, he’d sweated me to no end to meet up. He asked if I “partied” and I told him no, and he stopped chatting altogether, and never spoke to me again. Had this fake profile spent YEARS talking to me, trying to constantly bait me into saying I did drugs?!?!? That’s how this was beginning to look – so someone clearly spent a shit ton of money, massive amounts of technology, not to mention man power – all to create these stupid fake profiles aiming to bait me into saying things that made me look like a bad guy, made me look like Brandon, or made me feel bad by constantly harassing me or blocking me the moment I unlocked my face pic. I’m not THAT ugly…
And Poz of course won’t stop harassing me no matter how many times I block him…
Capital T’s refer to meth; the term “point” refers to injecting it, nasty, but for some reason Grindr allows people to openly advertise IV meth use despite it’s rules prohibiting profiles advertising illicit substances. This was so juvenile only Brandon could be behind it.
Even a neighbor who I met, who didn’t know about Brandon, was suddenly referencing Brandon in his Grindr response to me… right next to the the guy looking for sex righT now.
The first profile: he randomly hit me up on day, and of course – he was from Alexandria, VA, and within a few texts, he asked me if I liked to ParTy – like the rest. He got the block.
Only about 2 months later, there he is again, showing up GPS-wise 500 feet away – and no, he was not inside my condo. Same picture, again form Alexandria, VA; only when I looked at the Grindr main screen which shows all the profiles located in regards to you – he wasn’t there. He didn’t show on the main screen, and he should have shown up right, snug next to me given he was only 500 feet away. But he didn’t appear there at all. Where he did appear was under the FRESH FACES section – which is where brand new profiles show up. His profile wasn’t brand new, I’d seen it before. The fishiness continues to mount with the fake profile brigade.
These profiles were beyond aggressive in hitting me up for sex, they’d immediately cut to the chase. Their greetings were forced and awkward: “Sup?” or “Wanna fuck?”
There were suddenly all these women on Grindr, and it’s an app for Gay men (lesbians are even excluded). Some were transgender, which I think still falls under the umbrella of “gay men” whereas real ladies don’t, even if they look strangely like your grandma or some famous politician. This was definitely a huge change from what I experienced during the nearly decade before chatting it up on Grindr. I was used to guys being blunt online – but they became way blunt out of nowhere. My profile pic is a headless torso, yet these new profiles would ask to meet up without asking to see a face pic first – nobody does that – this was odd, these profiles couldn’t be real people I was convinced. But location-wise, they were always super close, often fixed at 1 mile or 2 miles away. They’d send me a brief greeting – “hey there!” – and then immediately send me their phone numbers expecting me to text them. After my recent experience with that text turned hack, I wasn’t about to text any stranger nor give out my phone number to anyone. Most of the fake profiles insisted on meeting guys that were “clean” only, the derogatory way of suggesting HIV-positive men were “dirty.” This happens all the time in gay culture – but in another “is it them or is it me?” moment these profiles seemed to over-emphasize this, I’d never seen a resurgence of the terms “clean” and “ddf” (disease and drug-free) like I had here. Since becoming infected, I’d left my status blank in profiles, which everyone knows means positive anyway. But often these profiles would hit me up, they’d ask where I lived, they’d ask to meet up and right as I was about to hop in the shower they’d ask me about my HIV status. And every time when I’d tell them, they wouldn’t ignore me, they wouldn’t even block me, instead they’d all make really insensitive remarks and keep on going. This wasn’t normal, this seemed fabricated, this seemed like a way of using fake profiles to harass and belittle me. Initially it was also so bizarre and hard to believe that I chose to ignore it, thinking most of this had to just be in my head. In time I came to believe it was intentional. The term “stats” refers to HIV status; you can see in the below, the only comment left was
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