howaheartbreaks

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And I’m crying. They are quite literally each others lifelines.

Love how this is one of the most consistent themes in the Everlark relationship, and how it evolves as their relationship matures. It starts with such pragmatic gestures keeping each other safe from death and ends emphasizing how they have become a source of protection for each other during their mental low points.

before the books to 3/4 of the way through The Hunger Games: Putting themselves in harms way to shield the other from death with the bread, the Careers, the feast.

End of The Hunger Games-Catching Fire: Being willing to die for each other

Mockingjay: at both Katniss and Peeta’s low points when they’re suicidal, their life is put in the other’s hands and is protected

End of Mockingjay: Peeta’s presence in D12 is what motivates Katniss to come back to life. Peeta being there is enough for Katniss to mentally feel safe enough to start living again. Katniss is the life Peeta chooses to fight to come back to after being hijacked because she’s the one who has always made him feel safe. The two kids who started the series with families that didn’t make them feel safe, end the series sharing a family with the one person that gave them mental and physical safety.

[howaheartbreaks]

one problematic thing about the theories that katniss is unhappy at the end of mockingjay is that it tacitly strips katniss of her hard-won agency. the entire storyline centers on this question of free will: the point of the games is coercion, fear, and insecurity, to the point where katniss has to make the bad decision, but it's not a free decision. in the first book, peeta struggles with his sense of self as a pawn of the capitol (and of course that comes around as a major theme in book 3). we're told that katniss would choose peeta anyway, but even beyond the romantic question, katniss is in the place where she is in the epilogue because she chose to be there. and she could only make a choice like that at the end of the series because she now lived in a world where that was possible. collins would never write her into a position where she was again living a life she didn't want. and imo ignoring that by trying to imaging alternate endings for katniss or imagining her unhappy in that life does a huge disservice to the central conceit of the series.

[howaheartbreaks]

She’s my favourite

LNC: Penelope Bridgerton (inspo) / [Colin version]

[howaheartbreaks]

A collection of all the times Colin refers to Penelope.

Previously I had posted of all the times in Season 3, Part 1, and now I’ve gone through the entire series because I’m a bit mad. Anyway, enjoy!

What have I found out?

In regency times, referring to a young women by their first name at all was frowned upon unless they were engaged or married, let alone a nickname. It’s clear Colin and Pen have been friends for a while and she’s “she’s a very good acquaintance of the family”. Whether or not he sees her as a younger sister in the very beginning, Colin breaks societal rules with Penelope throughout all three seasons by always using her nickname Pen, full name or other examples such as being alone with her. It establishes that they have an intimate friendship and that he is very comfortable with her.

In early season 1 and 2 he calls her Pen in full earshot of his family, her family and members of the ton and yet no one blinks an eye. He call her Penelope when he has a more intense moment with her (Penelope, what a barb) or when he’s being more formal, and the former is probably because he’s realising his feelings are moving into an inappropriate place for him to call her Pen. In all of season 1 and 2, he only calls her “Miss Featherington” once, and that is when he dances with her instead of Cressida.

Season 2 he begins to call her Penelope more regularly, and when he’s speaking to other people about her as it’s more societally correct. He still calls her Pen a lot but his conversations seem to be more direct to her but it establishes the changing nature of his relationship, especially at the end of Season 2 when he says “I will always protect you, Penelope, you are special to me” but also uses it for the “I would never court Penelope Featherington” line.

Season 3 establishes that things have changed, as he seems to become more conscious of what her name means to him.

When Colin refers to Pen in public or with his family, he refers to her as Penelope, never Miss Featherington and not Pen. When Colin and Pen are alone, he uses the pet name Pen. It is reserved for her, like an intimate moment. The few times he uses her full name in private is either serious matters - eg will you marry me, trying to be formal or in reverence because he holds her in such high esteem.

When Colin finds out about Pen as LW, he stops calling her Pen altogether until their resolution at the Dankworth-Finch ball.

SEASON 1

“Good day, Pen” - Colin stops to talk to her at her house when he calls on Marina in their first conversation, “A wretched sonnet indeed” “Lord Byron he is not.” It’s established they have a very sweet, familiar relationship with her though it’s clear it’s a friendship.

“Pen” - Colin approaches her directly at the Vauxhall ball enquiring about Marina, they dance after Cressida spills the drink on her. “I am to escort Miss Featherington to floor.” He refers to her politely in mixed company.

“Penelope, what a barb.” He approaches her at the Trowbridge ball. They share an intense look at each other much longer than necessary.

Colin calls on Marina in episode 5. “I am uncertain of my travels at the moment, Pen” he say, still referring to her affectionately while he courts Marina. At this stage he calls her Pen in front of her/his family.

At their engagement dinner she chases after him in the hallway, asks him to speak and tells him of Marina’s love for Sir George: “Pen, of course”, “Trust me Pen, do not fret.”

After Marina’s scandal he sees her at the Hastings ball across the room and approaches her (he’s always approaching her). When he sees her, his mouth drops open and he looks very nervous. He does this several times and it’s his “in love” look - similar to how he looked at Marina, but he’s lacking his usual charm because he’s nervous and probably ashamed. He offers his apologies. “Pen” “Colin” they say at the same time. “I was a fool” “You were not a fool. You merely believed yourself in love. One should never apologise for that, when One finds oneself in such an incredible position one should declare it assuredly, fervently, loudly.” He’s looking so proud and comfortable with her in this scene that he drops her name again, “I have something I wish to tell you as well, Pen. I am leaving. Itwas actually you who inspired me. You kept reminding me how much I longed for travel.” He licks his lips nervously before he says this. (Her face is so heart broken Nicola’s lip does a little quiver) Then, “Should we dance, Pen?” He’s trying to engage with her and actually looks sad when she rejects him and he watches her leave. His eyes widen and he stares after her open mouthed. And of course, he looks to her house as he leaves for the summer.

Season 1 Count

Pen: 8

Penelope: 1

Miss Featherington: 1

Season 2

After his very intense gaze at her in the drawing room after he returns from his travels (his in love look), Pen and Colin do not get to speak. He sees her at the races and his mouth gapes again when he sees her, and he’s very happy, “Pen!” “Pen, how have you been?”

They run into each at Lady Danbury’s party and Pen remarks about all the interest shown to Edwin when they barely know her, “Not a devotee of mystery, Pen?” He speaks about finding connection with someone so he didn’t feel lonely and her letters were so encouraging, “I thought, If Penelope can see me this way, surely then I can too.” He says that he is sworn off women, “I am a woman,” she notes. “You are Pen, you do not count. You are my friend.” The way he says Pen is quite reverent. She takes it as an insult that he doesn’t see her as a woman but my take is that he sees her above them. “Pen” is something more.

He next says her name when the Ton arrive at Albury Hall in Episode 4 and Eloise has been reading her women’s rights pamphlets. (The first scene with just Colin, Eloise and Pen together): “Prepare yourself for many a quotation, Pen.”

Colin goes to see Marina who tells him that he’s just a boy and to move on, and there are people like Penelope who care for him. “Penelope?” They run into each other on the stairs later my Colin is still dwelling on what Marina has said. “But, I suppose there is no use dwelling on the past. I am indeed thinking of the future. Pardon me, Pen.”

After Anthony’s wedding is on hold, Pen approaches him in the garden as he drinks from a flask and they speak about their purpose. He stares it her in awe as she speaks about hers, “Your dreams are grander than you let on, Pen.”

She inspires him to take up an investment and goes to her house to speak to Jack Featherington when she hears his voice and enters the room, “The lady of the hour.” He asks her to walk him out, “Our relationship has taken place so naturally of the years, one could take it for granted. You have always been so constant and loyal, Pen.” At this stage he’s decided this venture will help them both. Portia turns up and Pen and Colin look guilty for standing so close. “Miss Penelope was just seeing me out.”

At the Featherington Ball, Colin takes Pen’s hand and pulls her into the drawing room to expose her cousins plan, “I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, Pen, but I have looked into him and believe him to be a mere charlatan.”

After his speech to Jack, Colin downs a drink and takes Pen to the floor to dance. “I will always look after you, Penelope, you are special to me.”

And queue the extreme whiplash as we get Colin with the boys, “Are you mad? I would never dream of courting Penelope Featherington, not in your wildest fantasies, Fife.”

Season 2 Count

Pen: 9

Penelope: 5

Penelope Featherington: 1

Lady of the hour: 1

Season 3

Here we go! There’s definitely a shift in this season because she’s starting to look at her differently. He stops referring to her as Pen unless he is with her alone and reverts back to Penelope as Pen starts to become too intimate for him.

After he has returned from his travels, Colin approaches Pen at the presentation while she stands alone. “Pen, it is good to see you.” (“Is it?” She asks. Take him down, Pen!)

“And what of Penelope?” - he asks Eloise of their friendship.

At the Danbury ball she runs past him after Cressida has trodden on her dress. “Pen! She did not look well did she?” To the boys before he runs after her. He slipped on her name in this scene.

“Pen,” He addresses her alone as he approaches her. “Is something wrong, Pen, between us?” He whispers softly before telling her he misses her. Says “Pen” when he tries to speak up after she calls him out for saying he wouldn’t court her and girly walks out leaving his ass alone.

The next day he rushes to see her to make amends alone in her garden. “And I am most certainly not ashamed of you, Pen.”

In the market scene during their lessons, “Pen, living for the estimation of others is a trap. Once you break free, the world opens up.”

When she mentions that Bridgerton house is where she feels most comfortable, he rushes to get her to over. “Penelope, I have eagerly been awaiting your visit,” he addresses her in front of the footman. It’s the first time this season he calls her Penelope, but not alone (Rae doesn’t seem to count to Colin either). He moves her to the drawing room alone where he tries to set the scene for their imaginary ball, “Imagine it with me, Pen.”

When he catches her reading his journal, “Pen, were you reading that?” Even when he’s mad he still calls her by her nickname.

In the carriage to the ball with Eloise he returns to calling her “Penelope?” Something he has never done in front of El in the past.

At the ball Colin encourages her to flirt with Lord Basilio and she gets nervous as he is a Viscount and he says, “and you are Penelope Featherington, do not forget that”. When he says her name he says it in reverence, in glowing praise where he respects her name. Others usually use disdain when referring to the Featheringtons but as mentioned in season 2, Colin is not in the habit of consorting with those he holds in low esteem (and when he comes to his senses see how he completely drops the toxic lord squad).

Lord Basilio runs off crying about his horse: “Pen, what happened?” They laugh together and it’s so adorable.

The crowd talks gossip about them and Penelope runs off, and he exclaims “Pen!” As he runs after her. He slips in public and it’s always when he’s worried and running after her. As soon as he confronts Eloise he says, “did you tell anyone of my helping Penelope? What could Penelope have possibly done to warrant your maltreatment?”

He comes to her house and she asks him to kiss her. He changes to “Penelope,” to potentially protest, or to say something but she cuts him off. Her full name is a formal response after she has asked something uncomfortable of him, but it’s also used when he starts to view her more seriously.

In his dream he calls her by her nickname, “Pen, I’ve not been able to sleep, not been able to eat, I can barely… speak these days.” It’s tender and intimate. His dream is so romance novel.

After their kiss he is feeling ~feelings~. He speaks to her so formally under the willow tree, “good day” and they are both so adorably awkward. They are trying to be more formal with each other in a sudden interest in propriety, because their familiarity is what lead to the kiss and she feels like they need to take a step back by distancing themselves. He doesn’t know how to conduct himself because calling her Pen is too intimate and he’s only just putting together consciously what that intimacy means to him, “Penelope, I wish very much for your happiness.”

The next time he addresses her by name is the end of episode 4!!!

Colin interrupts her and Debling’s dance after he realises Debling will propose, “Pen, you cannot marry him.” He’s calling her Pen in the middle of the dance floor, but if you haven’t figured it out at this point, Colin is so far beyond the rules of society and nothing matters to him except breaking off this engagement.

Which brings us to (drumroll)… the carriage scene!

He chases down the carriage and flings the door open, “Penelope!” Is it formal now, is it because he’s more serious about her? Is it because there’s still people around. He tries to make his excuses before fumbling around to, “He’s not right for you, Pen.” Smoochy touchy feely, “For gods sake, Penelope Featherington, are you going to marry me?”

Part 1 Count:

Pen: 13

Penelope: 10

Penelope Featherington: 2

Use of Penelope has increased substantially for a few reasons. 1. He’s speaking of her to others more regularly. 2. He only refers to her to others as Penelope now. 3. He uses Penelope directly with her instead of Pen in serious/emotional/charged situations.

Part 2:

“Hyacinth, I do not think Penelope can breathe.” He’s so adorable in this scene, and still referring to her to his family as Penelope.

He starts professing his love to her to his brothers: “My feelings for Penelope are not a thunderbolt from the sky, I have known her a very long time and perhaps I have always felt something for her, but only foolishness was not realising it sooner.”, “Perhaps I shall go and see Penelope now.”

Portia implies Pen entrapped Colin to get him to propose to her when just yesterday she was expecting a Debling marriage, but our hero swoops in with one of his many gallant speeches, “Your daughter did not entrap me, I proposed to her out of love, nothing less. And were not so narrowly concerned with your own standing, you might see that Penelope is the most eligible amongst you. In the future, I advise you not to sully our Bridgerton name by suggesting otherwise.”

He takes her alone to their new place, and he stares at her reverently as he confesses, “I will always stand up for you. Because I love you, Pen.” Her name is soft and intimate and meaningful to him.

Eloise is mad at him and he says, “I apologise for not telling you earlier about my feelings for Penelope”, “And it was Penelope this and Penelope that and Penelope and I are going to read Don Quixote and we are going to be knights. Penelope is going to be your sister, soon. There is a time that would have been your greatest dream. It would mean the world to me to have your blessing and I know it would mean a great deal to Penelope, too.”

At their engagement party (gosh what an episode), he approaches her with, “My bride-to-be.” (Squee)

Colin begins his engagement party speech,“It was my atrocious riding that allowed me to meet Miss Featherington… Pen, and I am so grateful to be here with her tonight.”

It is the first time this season he calls her Miss Featherington and it’s in front of family and friends and wider ton members, but it’s also the first time he publically announces her as Pen this season and to a wider social. Both in the same sentence!

He begins to call her Pen again when they are around family and friends, something he hasnt done since last season, “Pen, where did you run off to? I was looking for you.”

“Pen!” When she faints.

BOY is so stressed the next morning when he comes to call on her. “Pen! Are you well? I’ve been worried.” Once he’s a bit more relieved, he sinks back into more of a formal greeting in front of her mother (who is now awkwardly chaperoning now for the first time ever…) “Good day, Miss Featherington… for now.”

At the Kent Ball, poor baby Colin is feeling like he has done something wrong and says he wants to try writing his memories on its own as, “I want to be worthy of you, Pen.”

At this stage, Colin finds out that Pen is Lady Whistledown when she rushes from the party to print. In their confrontation he does not use her name, only “You are Lady Whistledown.”

At this point his feelings for her are supremely altered as although he loves her, he cannot deal with her being Lady Whistledown and the affection and familiarity he had with her is distanced.

When he confronts Eloise, he says “I saw you leaving a private room with Penelope before I found her.”

He does not even say her name in their tense conversation viewing the wedding breakfast room with her mother. He also does not say her name when they run into each other on the street outside of the modiste and have their moment of passion. He used to use her nickname in such reverence, in comfort, in intimacy and now cannot bring himself to say it.

The next time he says her name is during their wedding speech (my heart). “I, Colin Bridgerton, take thee, Penelope Featherington, to be my wedded wife.”

After they are married and she tries to run when the Queen appears, “Penelope, you are a Bridgerton now.” It is the more formal version of her name, but combined with their now shared last name.

Just when we think they are reconciling, Pen tells him she will not give up Whistledown. He sleeps on the couch on their wedding night and does not say her name again until she shows up at his house with Eloise and Portia present, “Penelope, what are you doing here?” Though I will add, although he’s very angry with her, Colin’s protective (and hot) husband mode switches on as he angrily states, “If miss Cowper spreads this gossip it will besmirch our Bridgerton name, and I will not have anyone blackmailing my wife.”

Welcome, Colin “My Wife” Bridgerton, I hope we see you in season 4. 🥰

He continues his protective streak with Cressida, “does she know of your blackmailing my wife?” But even when he speaks with Cressida to plead for her mercy, he keeps it formal: “This last year I found myself yearning to head word from home, from Penelope in fact, but I did not hear back from her”, “Penelope is no villain.”

For most of this speech it feels like Colin is speaking to himself as he tries/realises that he is forgiving her, “There is Whistledown, and there is Penelope”, “For her hand in your troubles, I know Penelope feels remorse. If even Penelope can find grace for you, do you not see that the ton too will forgive you.”

When Colin tearfully returns, having failed from his talk with Cressida he admits, “Perhaps Penelope was right, it would have been better to just pay her.”

Once Penelope reveals herself as Lady Whistledown and gives her speech to the ton, Colin approaches her. She offers an annulment and he is upset at it, “Pen,” (the first time he’s called her Pen since he found out she was Whistledown!!) “Every since I found out you are Whistledown, I have done everything I can to try to separate you from her. But the other day I went back and read all of the letters you sent me, your letters have always been the ones I am most eager to read, and I realised… you are her. You have always had one voice, there is no separating you from Whistledown… I love you. Now, will you please do me the honour of joining me on the dance floor, Mrs Bridgerton.”

I think it’s super clever that they used her name as another way he tried to separate her from Whistledown and something I wouldn’t have noticed if I wasn’t a super nerd and wrote this. The things you notice! When he refers to her as Pen again it’s clear that all of his concerns are gone and he’s happy with her again AND referring to her by her married name is the perfect final main story finish.

Bonus Epilogue:

“I could not have written my book without the help of Philomena’s aunty Penelope.”

Season 3 part 2 Count:

Pen: 7

Penelope: 20

Penelope Featherington: 1

Miss Featherington: 2

My bride-to-be: 1

My wife: 2

Mrs Bridgerton 1

TOTAL COUNT S1-3

Pen: 37

Penelope: 35

Penelope Featherington (in full): 4

Mrs Bridgerton: 1

Miss Featherington: 3

Lady of the hour: 1

My Bride-to-be: 1

My Wife: 2

TOTAL COLIN REFERENCES TO PEN: 81

PS: if anyone has a gif of Mrs Bridgerton please let me know I can’t find one!!

Anything I’ve missed let me know!

[howaheartbreaks]

Mr & Mrs Bridgerton 💍

[howaheartbreaks]

He short-circuits everytime they make eye contact and his body gravitates towards her.

Pen and Colin trying to find each other at their wedding breakfast.

Plus: one time they finally did.

[howaheartbreaks]

colin's hurt and confusion over pen not responding to his letters hits even harder when you remember that their last interaction before she ghosted him was the two of them saying they were special to each other 😭

[howaheartbreaks]

Crying

Let me tell you. I don't mind what Benedict does with his life. I don't mind what Francesca does with her life. Whoever they love, whatever they do, I support, do what you want. But. What. The. Fuck. Was Polin? Was the Polin ship even in the room with us?? Max 5 minute screen time an episode bruv. They were all like oh we have the mirror scene oh we have the carriage scene yada yada yada and that's literally the only fkn scenes y'all had. This season was only drama, stress and angst. Where was this so called love? Colin and Penelope didn't have one lovely moment together like? This entire part 1 heck even the entire show builds up on them being together but when they do all they do is ignore each other, argue, lie, cry, fight, all the things I wanted to do myself watching this. Polin was supposed to be the couple of the season no? WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY?! WHERE WAS THE LOVE?!? Like do you get what I mean??? They didn't like they had no moment like they were only like it was just like

[howaheartbreaks]

A collection of all the times Colin says Penelope’s name in Bridgerton Season 3 Part 1, because I am insane and part 2 is about to come out (I’ve already seen episode 5 and OH BOY).

When Colin refers to Pen in public or with his family, he refers to her as Penelope, never Miss Featherington. When Colin and Pen are alone, he uses the pet name Pen. It is reserved for her, like an intimacy. A reminder that referring to a young women by their first name at all was frowned upon unless they were engaged or married, let alone a nickname. The few times he uses her full name in private is either serious matters - will you marry me, trying to be formal or in reverence.

Episode 1:

“Pen, it is good to see you.” - to her, alone.

“And what of Penelope?” - to Eloise

“Pen! She did not look well did she?” To the boys before he runs after her

“Pen” - addresses her alone. “Is something wrong, Pen, between us?” He whispers softly before telling her he misses her. Says “Pen” when he tries to speak up after she calls him out for saying he wouldn’t court her.

“And I am most certainly not ashamed of you, Pen.” Alone again in her garden.

Episode 2 - teaching lessons.

“Pen, living for the estimation of others is a trap. Once you break free, the world opens up.”

At the house, “Penelope, I have eagerly been awaiting your visit.” (First time this season he calls her Penelope to her, but front of the footman)

“Imagine it with me, Pen” (alone, in the drawing room)

“Pen, were you reading that?” Even when he’s mad he still calls her by her nickname.

In the carriage, with Eloise. “Penelope?”

at the ball, “and you are Penelope Featherington, do not forget that”. When he says her name he says it in reverence, in glowing praise where he respects her name. Others usually use disdain when referring to the Featheringtons.

“Pen, what happened?” Before the laugh together. They are laughing and it’s so fucking adorable.

The crowd talks gossip about them and Penelope runs off, and he exclaims “Pen!” As he runs after her. A slip in public. As soon as he confronts Eloise he says, “did you tell anyone of my helping Penelope? What could Penelope have possibly done to warrant your maltreatment.”

He comes to her house and she asks him to kiss her. He says “Penelope,” which is the first time he has said her full name to her to address her, and it a formal response after she has asked something uncomfortable of him.

“Pen, I’ve not been able to sleep, not been able to eat, I can barely… speak these days.” In his dream he calls her by the nickname. It’s tender and intimate. His dream is so romance novel.

He speaks to her so formally under the willow tree, “good day” they are both so awkward. They are trying to be more formal with each other to avoid awkwardness, because their familiarity is what lead to the kiss and they feel like they need to take a step by distancing herself from him.

“Penelope, I wish very much for your happiness.” HE’S FORMAL.

The next time he addresses her by name is the end of episode 4!!!

“Pen, you cannot marry him.”

CARRIAGE SCENE:

“Penelope!” Is it formal now, is it because he’s more serious about her? Is it because there’s still people around.

“He’s not right for you, Pen.”

“For gods sake, Penelope Featherington, are you going to marry me?”

[howaheartbreaks]

Tried to write this on reddit but the post was too long and thought I’d throw my hand in the tumblr ring:

My interpretation on why Colin’s arc this season matters so much to me.

The benefit and the curse to this season is that to understand the full story arc of Colin and Penelope you have to watch all three seasons. I feel like they could have been more blatant in the text and given them more scenes in part 1 to completely flesh this out and remind the viewer what they’ve been through, but this is all in the text (past seasons) and subtext up until the carriage speech.

Season 1 Colin is romantic and naive. He becomes infatuated with Marina almost at first sight and still probably believes in fairy tale romances. Marina herself says that Colin is eager and does not guard his affections. Anthony has his duties as head of the family, Benedict has his bohemian pursuits, both of them are known flirts and rakes, frequenting brothels often and having had a world of experience. It’s implied that Colin is a virgin and when he proposes to Marina, Anthony scolds him for his naivety and suggests he should have been taken to brothels to be a man and “wet his wick” as if he were experienced, he wouldn’t be so hasty to marry someone he didn’t know. Colin doubles down in his commitment to Marina which then ends in tragedy when it’s revealed she’s pregnant. He understandably falls into depression as he had chosen a purpose (to be a loyal husband in love) and he had gotten screwed over due to his naivety. Colin also has a bit of hero complex, which we can see multiple times throughout season 1 such as when he dances with Pen after Cressida spills her drink. In his duty and loyalness, he confesses that he would have married Marina if she had told him the truth. Colin is very loyal and very protective of those he loves and he sees his value in how he can help and protect others, and having them need him. He makes the decision to do the thing he always wanted to do, travel, as Pen kept reminding him, as a way to become literally, more worldly.

Colin returns in season 2 and finds that people aren’t that interested in his travels nor did they particularly miss him while he was gone, the exception of which was of course Pen. He tries to speak to his family and gets shut down. He feels isolated once more and then also realises he still doesn’t have a sense of purpose, nor does anyone need him. It’s implied he is still sensitive because despite travelling, Colin is still not the man the ton expects him to be. He visits Marina in some naive hope, and she basically tells him to grow up and move on with his life. Penelope and he have a lovely conversation about purpose. He looks into various pursuits and then as we know he gets to be the hero again when he discovered Jack Featherington is swindling the ton and saves the Featheringtons. But Colin is still beheld to the expectations of the ton and when the men are finally paying atttention to him at the ball, he says he would never court Penelope in an attempt to fit in, even though we’ve all just clearly witnessed him go out of his way to save her.

Colin leaves again, and this time he vows to be a changed man. He sleeps around, “grows up”, learns how to be charming and finally when he returns is he warmly greeted by all the women and the men as the ton finally recognises him as a man. Anthony and Benedict clap him on the back, the ladies fawn over him, and men like Fife and Cho engage with him in a way we haven’t seen since he told them he wouldn’t court Penelope. He plays aloof with stories of his travels because he knows the mystery makes people more intrigued than when he told them everything (telling his family he doesn’t remember how many cities he’s been to, and then telling Pen it’s 17 because he knows the answer), and in some cases he is still not comfortable or willing to share personal details of his sexual exploits because he’s still a romantic at heart. Colin feels like he’s nailed it.

Except. He hasn’t. It’s only surface level. The cracks first emerge when he approaches Penelope at the debutante showing, going out of his way to find her (as he always does). She seems closed off and has not written to him all summer. Previously she was the ONLY one to engage him, and probably the only one he could be himself with. Yet that one connection has completely gone. This is pure speculation and unlikely to ever be confirmed, but without Pen’s correspondence it may have even been a catalyst for him to change himself/seduce women. You can tell he’s nervous approaching her, even with his new aesthetic, which he himself remarks are only clothes. She’s closed off and basically dismisses him, probably leaving him feeling a bit stupid. He sees her glow up at the ball (:o) and while he does not approach her but continues to watch her, he runs after her immediately when she runs out, in care for her wellbeing and also because he knows the conversation he is having with the lords is super shallow. She dismisses him again, and then tells him it was his grave error in trying to fit in that made him lose his one deep connection. And then he vows IMMEDIATELY to make amends, calling upon her the next day to make it right. It is his first real and honest conversation. He tells her charm can be taught (he’s faking it), that he seeks her out because she lifts his spirits (he never looks happy in a public setting unless he is with her) and that hers is the one person whose opinion matters the most.

So:

1. Colin was a naive romantic who felt like he had to conform to the approved of society

2. He is faking his true personality (shown in his heartfelt conversation with Pen, how despite everything he seeks her out and values her the most, that he lies about how many cities he’s been to just to seem cooler)

3. He is fighting against societal expectations

4. At this stage he’s still trying to have it all - the women, his family’s approval, the ton’s approval and Pen’s approval.

He goes home and is furious with Lady Whistledown because she has called out his obvious ruse, and he is upset that what he is trying to fake is so obvious.

Episode 2 rolls around and he doesn’t do much except follow her around and fawn after her. His new interests have started to fade immediately as soon as he starts speaking with Pen again. He tells her to be herself and act like they did when they were kids - which is hilarious, considering Colin has attempted to change everything about himself to NOT be himself and NOT act like an adult (the irony Colin is not aware of). It’s her compliments of his writing and his eyes that make him flustered. He entertains women and men at gatherings, but is always looking for her and physically not pleased when she speaks to other men. He laughs with her (honestly, first moment of pure childhood glee for him and he makes a pun which was reminiscent of earlier seasons Colin). He runs after her again and emotionally argues with Eloise, because damn the ton it’s Pen he cares about (my poor sweet boy). He’s so loyal and protective of her. He doesn’t even attempt to dance with anyone at these parties. Hes so distraught she could be suffering that he goes immediately to her, damn the rules of society, and agrees to kiss her and even tries to keep going before she leaves. Because he finally realises that his feelings for Pen are romantic, that it’s not just friendship that he seeks, but a true romantic relationship with his best friend.

He’s awkward and cute as he approaches her the next day, which is the complete opposite of how he’s been trying to act - she is making him act like his former self, his true self. She tells him they should keep their distance and he reluctantly puts on the armour again.

But, Colin actually lasts for like a day before he realises he will go crazy if he does not confess his feelings to Penelope and the entire facade that his has created has completely crumbled by this point - the obsessed boy is BACK. He stops talking to the women in the ton, expresses 0 interest in sex with the prostitutes, entertains a drink with the other lords before going off at them for how shallow and meaningless and fake they all are, and then commits several social faux pas pursuing Pen because he doesn’t care about anything except her anymore.

His confession in the carriage is the culmination of all of this. He’s tried to feel less (because he was too sensitive), he’s tried to grow up (and be a man), he’s tried to flirt and be a rake (because he was too green), and he’s tried to fight against expectations (Penelope not being desirable) but what is the point because all he wants and his entire happiness is centred around Penelope and if she rejected him or married Debling he would have nothing left.

Colin Bridgerton does not care anymore because he is #1 loyal obsessed protective boy and he will go through heaven and earth for Penelope and I love him so much for it.

[howaheartbreaks]

I love him your honor.

[howaheartbreaks]

You will remain depressed for the rest of your existence if you don’t learn to take some ownership over your life. Sometimes you do have to take calculated risks, say no and stand up to someone/something that bothers you, make the changes YOU want to see for YOUR life without requiring for external approval to do it. You cannot enjoy your life if you are dormant about your own success or commitment to happiness. Being passive is toxic, don’t let anyone trick you into thinking otherwise, be aggressive and committed to pursuing your deepest desires and go at them until they become a reality, it’s completely up to you.

[howaheartbreaks]

Angery boi

Kylo Ren + fight mode

[howaheartbreaks]

Dark Prince! #reblog #bensolo #kyloren

[howaheartbreaks]

Dad… I know.

[howaheartbreaks]

when in doubt SOLO IT™

[howaheartbreaks]

legends only