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“Red Sonja whips off her green cloak to reveal pearl-white bubs beaming from a shimmering brassiere.”

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Detail of a Celt

Frank Frazette, 1991.

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“Thereupon Lobster Boy gives chase.”

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Poor gyrl strung up in wicked wood!

Hector Gomez

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“A Saxon storm.”

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“The imp chortles at Conan as his balls fall out of his loincloth. Its mistress averts her gaze lest she be overcome with a lustrous frenzy for her healthy foe.”

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Film detail of an unused character in Conan the Barbarian (Dir. John Milius, 1982)

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Heed O brothers, thou may submit tomes of yer own, and I may hath my ancient scribes write a caption thus—describing the very tome ye put forth. But HEED…false tomes like (A)lien (I)mitation shall be ground to dust!

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“The naked Nordess approacheth the profane Arachnidian, wearing but slippers upon her white feet—beaming breeches bringing a steadfast glow to this darkly cave.”

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“The Devil meets its screaming end.”

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“And the heroes leap out of the cavernous snake-jowls to meet their foes with might!”

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“A Lady poseth in the dress of her husband, Knight.”

From “Knights and His Ladies: A Study” by Samuel Berkshire, 1978

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“The Chink Trolls guard at the white thighs of their Celt master, as she delivers a volley of arrows–all to the wooing quiver of her stout, beaming breasts.”

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“A triad of Elvin Beastettes menace with firm dugs and tightly wound erses. Thick hairs flow out in a tail’s whip from the small of their backs and fur amounts their brow and arms. These warrior women hail from an ancient Celtic Druid race—feral and deplorable; their rank musks discernible from hillocks away.”

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“Conan, upon his ride to Aquilonia, snatches up a pearl-white damsel with a heaving bosom the size of his horse’s haunch!”

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“Some intergalactic monstrosity assays to steal man’s wife.”

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“The shining white glory, wingspan of eburin diameter, and phrenology of the Aryan ordinance—glistens amidst the sky, with blade ablood, slashing through the professors of Sodom.”