howitstarted

[howitstarted]

one thing about me is i am not doing so well

[howitstarted]

12/8/2022

Its been a few months since i last posted but here i am again. i relapsed today i mean i broke my really long streak a while back but yk today i feel like i cant contain my emotions anymore im just struggling so much with everything its so hard, school is getting harder to keep up with specially my 5th period which im hopefully getting changed because i cant deal with taht class anymore ita so much it makes me so overwhelmed and thats not good because then i get annoyed then mad then sad and the i end up crying and sh ehich again not good. today started out so good i got a / in my bio review book which i showed my mom but im sure she wasnt impressed after all school is my jod and i litterally have no other obligations besides that, also rn i think my girlfrienf (alex go a few post back to get informed if you dont know) i dont know i was just sad and crying my eyes out and i guess my msgs came off as me not wanting to talk and it bothers me when they assume i dont wanna talk like stop thats all i wanna do i littlery sob whenever i cant see them of when i miss them too much. but anyways second semester is about to start and i cant wait to get switched out of mrs barrs class because like i said i cant handle her class at all. i feek like she just knowd too much, i simpply cant keep up. Im also look for a job but no one seems to wanna hire me which sucks because evryone else around me is getting a job and doing things meanwhile im here writting on a blog im doing mainly becuase i want to actually die. i just feel so left out like everyone else is doing things and im here suck on this stupid mental state that i cant ever get out of. i thoight sophomore year was gonna be different but no, i mean its a little better im dating the love of my life but i still have very much homophobic parents that arent gonna be okay with me loving who i wanna lovw which is fine i know they nevr likd me all that much anyways. sometimes i feel like they wouldnt even care if i was permanently gone. i dont know why my brain thinks that maybe if i tried to kms people will start paying more attention, i dont want to actually kms i just wanna i dont know get close to it so people know im not okay, so someone can finally listen to me and give me the help i need, because i know i need people and i tried asking for it but my school counselar nevr e-mailed me bcak and i cant do much about that, all i wanna do is feel okay. i wanna be normal and be happy just stay regular i dont wanna have very high highs just so i can have low lows its driving me insane aand i cant kepp doing it. 

[howitstarted]

I hate long car rides

i hate when i can’t sleep and it’s 3 am

i have not having something to do

it gives me too much time to think and question all the choice i’ve made before

[howitstarted]

hi guys so i can’t remember if i mentioned alex on here before but we are dating now i'm very happy they make me so happy but i dont know i feel like i'm not good enough for them, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not enough in every aspect you can think about they have so many pretty friends and i mean what if it's all a joke!? i've liked them since 6 grade (i'm a sophomore now they're a junior) and i dont know it doesn't feel real yet!? i dont know hoe to put it into words i'm so happy but at the same time there is that little voice in my head telling me i'm not good enough and that i should leave and let them find someone prettier and just better but idkkkk maybe i’m just insecure (july8th2022)

Also Brent Faiyaz new album dropped Bad luck and All mine have my heart

[howitstarted]

Ruprecht von Kaufmann - Im Garten (Detail). Courtesy Galerie Christian Ehrentraut

[howitstarted]

i just hope he is doing better than i am

[howitstarted]

my body hurts my mind hurts my chest hurts i want to disappear

[howitstarted]

why do i feel so bad about that like literally i started the whole conversation about my stupid boobs yet i’m complaining about what he said?? i just need to learn to suck it up HAHAHAHAH

[howitstarted]

sorry i died on my little blog life kinda got better but as you can tell it didnt last very long i actually relapsed which i mean its fine ig my friend always tells me relapsing is part of the recovery" he is very nice but lets talk about what happened when i did relapse (this is your tw btw) so this was 5/10/22 at 10:55 they turned white first which sacred me because after a few secs there was blood and a lot of it my hears started ringing and i think I passed out i dont know tho i have no one to confirm that it actually happened its crazy that I felt so sad that day I sh and felt way better I was so happy the next day why does my brain work like that i dont know but its whatever im actually gonna try this time no matter how bad the urge gets besides that do you guys remember d guy? if you dont just look at my other post to get the picture so I dont know why but we started talking about sex? yea i know big step im only 15 i atleast wanna wait until im 16 wk the consenting age Plus I’m still struggling with my weight and I want to get like A little slimmer if I actually do do it with him because I am so insecure about my body I literally don’t even let my mom see me in underwear which I think that’s normal but I don’t know I usually like don’t mind if my mom sees me changed but now I do mind not to mention she doesn’t know about my self harm and I don’t want her to worry about me but I’m actually gonna get on my calorie deficit again because I stop doing that I don’t know why and I feel like I’ve gained a good 5 pounds which I mean it’s OK I’m trying to be OK with it I’m trying to lose weight in a healthy way no more starving no more hair falling out no more feeling like shit so you know I’m really trying I’m gonna start it again on Monday and I’m gonna push through over the summer I’m gonna work out and hopefully I get where I want to be by sophomore year and I also don’t know how to feel about us having sex because we’re just friends I don’t even have a relationship and I don’t think I want to do it with someone I’m not even in a relationship with but along my first time with someone I’m not in love with and also my parents raised me to believe that God doesn’t like sex before marriage so I would feel low-key guilty but it’s OK I guess I don’t know how I feel about it my best friend sent me this page saying i’m not ready for sex if…. and there was like 50 things that actually made since and helped me with my confusion i don’t know rn i’m just trying to lose weight and love myself i know i always say that i’m fr this time anyways here is a song i really like rn

[howitstarted]

2/14/22

its valentine’s day i made little flowers for all my friends it was super cute. one of my friends gave me a little bag full of candy and a super cute bracelet then another friends gave me a bag with a bunch of snacks literally wanted to cry it was so cue i felt so loved on another note “D guy” talked to me today and said something along the lines of “it’s confusing with you one day you smile at everything i say/do and the next day you barely look at me then i ask myself if i did something wrong” and i felt so bad like omg i hate when people do that to me and i do that to people?? thats so terrible but im also surprised he cares so much last time i checked i was pretty much irrelevant to him but i dont know also i feel like ive been eating so much lately like damn fat ass stop eating ? LMAO i dont know. i got to pick my electives for sophomore year hopefully i get into culinary because if i dont i will cry i want it so bad i was gonna pic medical but that seems to hard i also got creative photography im excited about that praying its not hard tbh. i dont put my hair put at schools it makes me feel weird but i think im going with my hair up tomorrow hopefully i dont feel weird about it. my favorite manga at the moment is Au haru ride i got volumes 1-5 im getting volumes 6 and 7 some time with month also getting a kuromi bag its super cute i love sanrio so im excited and im getting white nail polish because the one i have right now is shit dont get the sally hansen fast drying shit its shitty tbh anywyas im gonna go to sleep bye - A

[howitstarted]

one of my favorite songs 

[howitstarted]

2/13/22

lets talk romance, i used to like this guy “D guy” is what my friends and i call him but i dont think i like him anymore plus i dont know things are kinda weird between us. He said i should date his ginger friend which honestly im not mad at or feeling weird about it the ginger is really cute. also can we talk about how when i like someone i like them hard that why when this other kid asked me out i said no plus i honestly dont think he liked me at all because like a week later he got a girlfriend like wow but his friends is kinda cute i dont know if im being picky but its like he is cute, tall everything but his voice doesnt fit him you know i dont know if that makes since at all. Also i wanted to talk about my best friends jessi and tate, theyre the best jessi has been my best friends since 6 grade now we are freshman in high schools and still going strong that makes me really happy sometimes our friendship struggles like any other but we always bounce back, then there is tate, tate and i have a history we when from hating each other to telling each other the strangest things i love hanging out with them i actually think he are hanging out this weekend its our little zaxbys date. Can we talk about how someone asked me what zaxbys was like omg everyone should know what zaxbys is the bread MASTERPIECE. today lets talk about it so im officially a good driver but now we have my parents arguing all the time i know they dont mean to scream at each other the way they do. theyre just worried because my sister is sick and theyre just going throught a lot it doesnt mean that it doesnt make me want to cry its okay i mean im kinda used to it im also watching chicago med like rn and wow so muvh blood i dont know it makes me like ew but at the same time  its like i cant take my eyes off it AHHH anyways i will post tmr if i have anything in mind i have schools tmr so bye - A

[howitstarted]

2/12/22

so i have decided to start just blogging here or just talk about random things that come to mind in case i die one day. so right now im a freshman in high school im struggling with my weight as every teenage girl i hope. ik that sounds terrible but i know im not the only one. ive done so many diets and even made myself puke. rn im in a calorie deficit and its helping i guess but yk being at home all day specially on the weekends doesnt help with the urge to just eat everything i see but then it makes me feel so disgusting i dont know how to explain but i just hope someone can understand. when covid first started i got into reading a lot specially webtoons when i started school again i just stopped  i didnt have the time im to tired when i get home from schools so i go straight to my bed and take 2-8 hour naps but i decided to pick it up again because i enjoy reading i feel like it makes me out of my world to a completely different one and i love that thats also why i started collection manga but right now im reading a webtoon called unholy blood its pretty popular its so good and the main characters are  to die for theyre all so attractive its about vampires and how they turned the world into a living hell all because of “god” he is just so ew personally wise because LORD he is so good looking. lets talk about music atm im into metal, rock, nu metal etc. my favorite band is pierce the veil and im also 75 days SH clean this is going to be like my personal diary, like i said before in case i ever die i want my friends and family to find this “blog” to get a better understanding of who i really am and what was going on inside my head.. thats all for today see you tmr if i dont forget i guess - A