howmcnythings

[howmcnythings]

"I'll be the judge of that," Autumn said jokingly. "A bold move, Beck. You're talking to a woman who cooks for a living and went to culinary school abroad. We have to see if this meal and wine combo passes the test," she teased. "No, really, I appreciate it a lot. It's nice being the one being cooked for, for once," she admitted.

"I was told by the guy in the liquor store that this would go well with what I decided to make," Beck said, twisting the bottle opener as he flashed Autumn a charming smile, "So I think I've outdone myself for this date night if I do say so myself."

@howmcnythings ( Autumn )

[howmcnythings]

"How do you know that?" she asked. "You love a me that doesn't exist anymore, you fell in love with a version of me who was almost whole. What if the pieces I find aren't happy? What if they're still sad sometimes, what if they still have dark moments? Will you still love me then? Will you love me if I 'get better' so to speak, and have fallbacks?"

Elsa sighed. "What's possible for some might not be for others," she stated. She ran her tongue over her dry lips for a moment. "I don't know how I feel deep in my soul. It's numb. It's disconnected," she told her. All she had to go on was what her brain was telling her, because even when she dug deeper to try and find out what she really felt, her brain just got louder and meaner.

Hearing her wife call her baby, but still be so far away, it made her ache. But she couldn't make any decisions yet. She needed time to think. "I think whether I feel the hurt or not, it'll destroy me."

----------- SMOL TIME JUMP ---------

When she was being discharged, Elsa was pulled aside by one of the nurses. Hearing that her wife was hurt sent a sharp pain through her chest, one she couldn't quite describe. Yet, part of her hesitated while she followed the woman to Orlaith's room. What if she didn't want her there? She knew she needed to do it. She knew that if she avoided seeing her, it would only drive more of a wedge.

She peered at her wife from the doorway, leaning against it with her arms loosely crossed over her chest. She didn't say anything for a moment, just taking in the sight of the werewolf. Elsa hated seeing Orlaith in pain, she hated seeing her hurting. Was this the part of her that Orlaith had been talking about? The part that would do anything for the people she loved? Maybe it was.

"I'll do it," she said, stepping into the room slowly. "I'll get help. They.. they offered me a spot in a program. I said no, but I'm.. I'm going to do it," she told her. "Because seeing you hurt, I.. I don't want to lose you. And I'd rather suffer through whatever is ahead in this treatment than lose you and Willa. She needs us."

She hesitated but sat on the edge of the bed, as close to the foot of it as possible. "What the hell happened?" she asked.

"Elsa..." Orlaith's voice cracked and she sighed, "I have loved you since the day I met you and I will love you through every piece you find. I still love you now, but I won't stand here and watch you kill yourself. If you fight to live for yourself, I will love every piece you find. They will be good enough. You need to do it for you though, not for me or Willa."

"It's not impossible though, I know it feels that way but it's not," Orlaith insisted, "I've seen people fight through it for years and for any number of reasons. You just need to take the first step. Please," she pleaded. She shook her head, "I don't know how to fix that for you, Elsa. You need to figure out how to trust me again. If you know deep down in your soul, without a doubt, that my wanting you to get help is me being against you, there's nothing I can do to prove you otherwise because you would never forgive me if I just let you spiral like this without fighting. I would never forgive me. I'm not going to tear myself apart proving that I am always on your side, even when you don't like it."

Orlaith wanted to step forward, hold her and comfort her, but she feared that if she did, she would crack. She had to hold her resolve because she needed Elsa to figure this out on her own, "I know, baby," she said from her spot at the end of the hospital bed, "But sometimes you need to let yourself feel the hurt in order to get better, feel the anger and use it to fuel you instead of kill you."

[howmcnythings]

closed for @alectronathegoddess

"Get the fuck away from me," Elsa hissed. She was officially discharged from her stay in the hospital but she hadn't left. Her wife was on another floor, hurt, and that was devastating. Seeing Orlaith like that, it was the push she needed to accept going to get help. That's what she was going to do. But seeing Alec there in the hallway, it lit a spark in her. She was angry. "You're dead to me, Alec, you know that?" she asked. "Stay away from me, stay away from my family."

[howmcnythings]

A bloody mental shitstorm. Few words truly encompassed what she was feeling, but those ones were the most accurate she'd heard. "Yeah," she finally admitted. "I am." Those words were the calmest she'd spoken in a long time. "What if the new pieces aren't good enough for you?"

Elsa shook her head, but the tears flowed freely. "I want to die because the alternative feels like it's impossible. I can want it all I want but it feels like something that will never happen," she told her. "Why would I fight for something that doesn't seem like a possibility?" she asked. "You're angry? I'm angry. I'm angry that I feel like I can't trust anybody. I'm angry because it feels like everyone is against me. Even if you say it isn't true, that doesn't make the feeling any less real," she pointed out. People could tell her that until they were blue in the face but her head wanted to believe something else.

She tuned out for a minute while Orlaith continued, but when she got to the end of what she was saying, she heard it. "Everything hurts," Elsa sobbed. In that moment, all she wanted was someone to hold her, but instead she sat in the bed alone, the juxtaposition between her and Orlaith in the room painfully obvious. The sobs just ripped through her body. The flood gates were open, and she wasn't sure how to close them. "It hurts everywhere, and that's why I want to be done. Because everything hurts everywhere," she gestured to her body, before touching her forehead, because the storm in her head was too much.

"Elsa, you're not even listening," Orlaith snapped back, "I said I get that you're in a bad place. Maybe I don't understand how you feel completely, I can't relate to the situation, but a blind person could see you're in a bloody mental shitstorm!" She let out a breath, trying to calm herself because she was not mentally strong enough herself for another fight, "Find new ones. Find new pieces to build yourself back up again."

"Honestly? No, I don't think you want it, not where I'm standing, or are you forgetting about the fact that you talk about killing yourself like you're talking about the weather? That doesn't sound like someone who wants to fight for anything!" Orlaith was trying her hardest not to get hysterical. She had always thought she would do anything to help her wife but it was so frustrating seeing this and not knowing what to say or do to help, "We are not against you, Elsa! Do you know how angry it makes me to hear you say that? We want you to get better, we want you to find a way back to who you were or a newer version of yourself that isn't this!" She gestured to the state she was in, "And I think it's really feckin' rich for you to talk about not trusting me. If anyone should feel like they're in a trap, it's me. I can't suggest any form of professional help for you without you thinking what? That I'm out to get your? That I'm a member of the faction? I don't know what you want from me."

Orlaith shook her head, "I could give you a list of people, a whole page-long list of people who I would bet my life on, who I'd bet Willa's life on, who could help you. People I've known for years, long before the faction. People who have counselled werewolves through triggering their curse by murdering someone, people who have been assaulted, people who have been abandoned by their families for what they are and yes, people who have lost limbs and hit rock bottom. But I could give you that list and you'd probably throw it back in my face, burn it, spit on it or-" she cut herself off and sighed, "Maybe it hurts up there but you can't sit where you are now and tell me that it doesn't hurt at rock bottom too. At least if you climb your way back up, you could possibly find somewhere that doesn't hurt as much anymore."

[howmcnythings]

"Well.. thank you," she said. Illiris nodded her head. "Understandable. I mean, you're a vampire, you've got nothing but time," she pointed out with a shrug. "You could take 100 years to plan it and still look hot in whatever you end up wearing, so hold onto that," she joked. "Wow, that's some good growth," she said. "I hope you can keep that going, it sounds really healthy."

"It's true. And it's not just because I am friends and care for all of you." Though that was also true. All of them were great but together? They were just unstoppably happy. "Yes. Thank you. I'm so excited but also terrified because I have no idea where to start planning. But there isn't any rush," she said, mostly reminding herself of that. "Well, I am trying to take time for myself. Not be so hard or put so much on my own shoulders. Being honest about my feelings and thoughts instead of hiding them."

[howmcnythings]

Charlotte hadn't been back to this art museum since Alicia died. She could never bring herself to, because of the memories it always brought back. Still, when Waverly suggested it, she didn't know if it'd be a bad idea to say no. She didn't want them to think she was trying to avoid them, but she also didn't know if she could go back there. It took her a while to actually make herself go. Alicia was back as a ghost, maybe it was time to let this place have some new memories.

"I know," she said softly. "I remember. It's been a long time, but I still have a magnet of that family photo we took the first time we all came here as a family," she admitted. "I wasn't sure if it was a good idea either. I almost didn't come. Not because of you though. Just.. this place. But it's okay. I'm okay. I think it's easier now that we know she's back in our lives, and now that we're... working on this. Working on us," she added. She looked at the brochure, taking it gently from Waverly before replacing the paper with one of her own hands.

Waverly stood in front of the painting longer than she needed to, arms crossed loosely over her chest, head tilted like she was reading between brushstrokes. Her reflection ghosted faintly in the glass; tired eyes, jaw tight, a flicker of something softer just beneath. When Charlotte stepped up beside her, Waverly didn’t look over right away. Just let the silence sit between them like a third presence, familiar and strangely comforting. "Used to bring Alicia here when she was little," they said quietly, eyes still fixed on the canvas. "She hated the quiet. Kept asking where the music was." Finally, Waverly glanced her way, a small smirk tugging at the edge of their mouth. "She said museums felt like holding your breath too long." They held out the brochure they'd been fidgeting with, corners bent from restless hands. "Glad you came. Wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, but... you always liked this place." @howmcnythings

[howmcnythings]

"I'd love to hear about hanging out with Chase," Charlotte admitted, a smile creeping onto her face. "You two see each other a lot, don't you?" she asked. The blonde nodded. "I'm slow in my old age unless I'm flying," she joked. "But it's just a block or so away, and once we have our menus I will tell you everything."

"Unless you wanna hear about Dickensian literature and hanging out with Chase, there's not much to catch up on," Alicia replied, unable to stop herself from looking down as she mentioned the other woman's name, as if hiding the smile that appeared on her face, "Oh, okay. Sure. Well, now I want to get there in a hurry."

[howmcnythings]

"No, you don't get it. You say you do, but you don't, you can't. You have no idea," Elsa snapped. Seeing Orlaith crying like that had her doing the same, but she wasn't sure whether hers were anger, or sadness seeing her in such a state. "And what if they don't exist anymore?" she asked, far more calmy and softly than her previous words. "What then?"

Elsa let out a cold chuckle. "Maybe you're in it too, but it's very different from how I'm in it," she told her. "Let myself want it? You don't think I'd love for everything to be okay? For life to be full and happy? That doesn't exist. I can want it all I want, but that doesn't mean I get it," she added.

"I wasn't aiming for forever. I was aiming for temporary until I could be gone for good," she said. "And I failed at that. And yeah, I want more. I want more because anything is better than feeling all of this." Elsa shook her head. "I don't know what you want." Her tears had stopped, at least for now. "You can't help me, because I don't trust you. I don't trust anybody. Y-you're all against me, Orlaith. How can I let anyone help me when it's all just one giant trap?" she asked.

"Your lives aren't full whether I'm in them or not. If I am, I'm a big fucking problem who makes it all too hard for you, and if I'm not, I've abandoned you, so there's no winning either way, is there?" She sighed. "So I don't know what comes next from here. I don't know how to escape this rock bottom because I don't trust that there's anyone who can actually help. I don't trust that there's anyone who would help who isn't going to feed what I say to someone to use it against me, or you, or anyone else. I don't know how to get out of rock bottom because it hurts too much up there."

"Life is not supposed to be easy, not all the time. And life if hard for you right now, I get that, but it could get easier if you tried, if you fought for it, if you let someone help you," Orlaith replied, feeling hot tears spill down her cheeks and quickly wiping them away, "You have to find them, Elsa. You can't keep living like this, I can't, we can't."

"My life does not feel full right now, not with you like this," Orlaith replied, "You want to talk about pieces being taken away. You nearly dying, losing your leg, our daughter being premature, you pushing me away, and everything that's happened and is still happening. That has all taken pieces away from me. You're not the only person in this, Elsa," she paused, "And your life is full or it could be if you just let yourself want it."

Orlaith shook her head, "After everything you've been through with Quinn, you must know that all that doesn't stop the pain forever. It delays it and then it all comes rushing back and you want more. You need to process it, somehow," she paused once more, sighing deeply, "You think I want this? You say you've hit rock bottom and you don't know how to get back out. That tells me you want to and I've been trying to help you there for months. You've given me nothing. If you can't help yourself, you'll just keep taking pieces away from me, away from Willa. Our lives can't be full without you in them."

[howmcnythings]

Addison didn't need more than a second to see his open arms before she found herself moving into them. That embrace of his, it was something she was growing comfortable with now, and that was a big step. She didn't know how she'd gotten there, but she just knew that she needed this. She needed him, she needed the closeness. "You did?" she asked.

At any other point, Hendrix might have teased her on this. Aw, shucks, you missed little old me? Maybe he might have said that on another day but there was something in her tone that stopped him from making light of her words. Instead, he did what he often did with her these days. He opened his arms, gesturing with his hands that she was welcome to step into them, but only if she felt comfortable, "I missed you too, Addy," he replied, smiling softly.

[howmcnythings]

Elsa knew that they were speaking facts about this being the same thing, but she would never admit it, at least not in the state she was in. She'd never admit that they were right. She had too much pride to let them be right out loud. "You'd be fine if it weren't for me. You would have figured it out, you're smart," she said.

"I'll go insane if I open up to someone and constantly have to question if they're using what I say against me," she told them. The paranoia and distrust was indescribable. "I don't have to trust anybody. I thought I could trust a few people, maybe. And then Alec told Orlaith what I was feeling and thinking about when I confided in her. I felt safe, and she betrayed that safety and that trust. I can't trust anybody, not her, not Orlaith, not even you. I can't trust that you aren't all just lying to me and trying to make me believe what you want me to believe."

"It's not different," Quinn replied, "What do you think I was using for? It wasn't because it made me feel good, it was because it made me stop feeling. It got me through the day. There was no pain, no guilt, no grief and I didn't..." they paused, "I didn't just walk into traffic," they let the words hang there, hopefully giving some weight to the situation. It was her situation.

"Yeah, you are crazy. If you think that this world doesn't need you in it, you are, in fact, crazy. Of course, we need you. I need you. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you," Quinn retorted, "That is no way to live, Elsa. If you trust nobody, you'll go insane. What about me? Orlaith? Do you think we're trying to get information to use against you? You have to trust somebody."

[howmcnythings]

"Really? There's nothing fun happening you can catch me up on?" Charlotte asked. As she asked about her, she found herself biting the inside of her cheek gently. "I wanted to talk to you about your mom and I," she admitted. "But I was thinking that was more of a conversation for when we're sitting."

"Oh, um, I mean not so much with me. Just school and stuff but it has been a while since we talked so I assumed you have stuff to tell me. Anything more exciting than me?"

[howmcnythings]

Stepping inside, Addison smiled. "Good." She had been teasing, but part of her did mean the words she said. She didn't ever want to be replaced in his life. Alicia's words about being happy were constantly echoing in her head, despite how badly she wanted it to stop. "I just.." she sighed. "I missed you. I wanted to be with you."

Hendrix put Koda down, stepping back so that Addison could come into the house properly, "She is, ain't she?" he grinned, "Replace you? Pretty sure that's impossible," he added with a wink but there was some sincerity in his tone, "Now, I'm always happy to see my favourite girl, what brings you by?"

[howmcnythings]

"You're the kind of guy who'd be bleeding out on the floor and try to tell everyone it's just a scratch," Maya pointed out. "But I do know that. It's in our blood, that urge to take charge and do something. Sitting still isn't something we're good at, but it has to be done," she said. She jokingly held up a hand, sticking her pinky out. "Pinky promise me," she stated.

HE HUFFED A QUIET LAUGH, leaning back just enough to keep the ice pack in place. “ alright, alright—i’ll give you that. maybe i’m not great, but i’m not dying either. ” his smile s o f t e n e d a bit, eyes flicking to her with familiar warmth. “ you know me. i hate sitting still. ” then, after a beat... “ but i hear you. i’ll take it easy. swear. ” he held up his free hand like a boy scout. “ no hero moves until this thing feels right again. ”

[howmcnythings]

"I didn't think it'd be from me," Lu admitted, looking down for a minute before letting their gaze rise back up to their sister. "You know this is weird, right?" she asked. "We're barely siblings anymore, what is it you think I'm going to teach your kids?"

"I mean, where do you think Shiloh will learn her little sister annoyance from?" Kira teased, "It's certainly not coming from me, that's for sure."

[howmcnythings]

"Your ex was definitely on to something there," Callista chuckled. "So I appreciate you being here to see more than just them." She needed people to care about more than the babies only, having him care about her and her well being made her feel really good. "I was always forgetting to eat when Marina was fresh," she admitted. When Ren mentioned two people making a meeting, she nodded.

"That really means a lot," she said. "I'm sure I'll need it eventually. Once the safety of being in here is gone and I'm home, it'll be.. an adjustment. I'll need whatever meetings I can get. The idea of doing anything to jeopardize my family again like that terrifies me, because I know how fast those feelings and need for a relapse come on."

Ren let out a small laugh at her explaining the meaning behind the names. "Well, theme or not, they're beautiful," he replied. Ren gave her a small smile, "Believe it or not, I do," he said. Once thing he's learned from Riven was that sometimes you need to let others take the reins when it comes to taking care of yourself. "My ex, she always said that she wished someone would see her along with seeing the baby, often focusing on him. Plus, she was horrible at remembering to eat postpartum, old habits die hard I guess. There's some in there for Zach too when he gets back," Ren replied, remembering how much he had forgotten to eat too. "And you know, I made you a promise once. Two people make a meeting, if you need it," he said, reminding her from when she came to him those years ago, needing someone to trust to help, to bring her back to her family, struggling with postpartum depression after Marina.

[howmcnythings]

"Thanks.." she said. Elsa didn't feel like she was worthy of the flowers, of any gift like that. "Mm, I guess that's true. Maybe you should make one for shits and giggles." Elsa could only sigh and shake her head. "Surprise me," she said. "Because I don't know what I need," she added. "Yeah, she came by. Seems like more people know what I've done than I expected."

"They are for you," Zac said, with a small smile. "Plus you should know by now that the hospital is basically my second home at this point, between Caliphe working here and my appointments and ER visits. I need to get a punch card." Zac took a seat next to her. "What do you need?" he asked. "You need me to be real with you? You need me to pep talk you? I can do both, I'm sure Safi came by with some healing plants to help."

[howmcnythings]

"I can deal with it myself," she said, choosing not to comment on the secrets not hurting her. Illiris knew Emilia knew that she used the fire coral in the past to hurt herself, but she wasn't ready to tell anyone that she still did. Especially not Quinn or Mini. "He really is a good guy, Em. I'm glad that he's that kind of support for you."

"I mean, as long as the secrets aren't hurting you or anyone, I think it's okay. As long as you can deal with it yourself, it's possible to be able to just have support," Emilia replied. "There's some things that Miles doesn't know, about things I've been through, but he's still able to hold me up when I need it."