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Losing friends

So.. This is a blog that’s kind of personal for me. It’s about a friend that we have that’s kind of being toxic as a friend. 

I’m sorry for being a bitch to you. I know you haven’t done anything to me NA. Pero I cannot what you did to my friend slide. You can’t just simply wake up and smile at us pretending to not know what you did wrong. Nobody is that manhid to begin with. Siguro it’s not manhid na kundi kakupalan na. Sorry but it’s true. 

You cannot act like that all the time. Especially to a group of people that have been together for a long time and you are just gonna meddle around like not caring what others think. Remember hindi lahat mag aadjust sa ugali mo, you yourself should know how to adjust na rin. 

Siguro that time we realized that ENOUGH is ENOUGH. That petty attitude of yours won’t be ignored anymore. It should be dealt with na. I agree that the timing and the place was off. The comment was harsh na, pero there’s no way in talking to you. You’re too proud to change plus your boyfriend doesn’t give a damn to correct you. 

I’m not sure in the future. Pero if you decide to change as well for the better, we’re just here. But for now, we’re better off as strangers nalang muna.  

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Post-Partum Depression?

What is Post-Partum Depression? Do I have it and don’t know it? What are the signs? Is it irresistible? 

Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a type of clinical depression which can affect both sexes after childbirth. Symptoms may include sadness, low energy, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced desire for sex, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. 

Super curious ako about this depression na inaral ko noon and naririnig ko for the past months before ako manganak. Iniisip ko if magkakaroon din ba ako or hindi. Sino na kaya ang nagkaroon ng ganon? Mahirap kaya sya i-manage? 

After ko manganak, kasama ko mommy ko and mama (aunt) ko sa bahay. So basically tinutulungan and tinuturuan nila ako mag alaga ng baby. Kung paano siya buhatin, paliguan, mga what to and not to do’s. May time din ako magpahinga since sila minsan nagpapatulog and naglalaro kay baby. Hindi ko naisip, “Paano kaya pag umalis na sila?”. 

Yes. Aalis sila kasi mom ko nagwowork sa cruise ship and my mama lives in Singapore. Parehas lang sila nandito ngayon sa Philippines kasi yung nanay (lola) ko. Sad, I know pero mas okay na yun kesa mag suffer siya kasi may sakit siya and she’s been in the hospital for 4 months na rin. 

Back to topic na tayo. 

Yon nga, dumating yung time na umalis na sila. They left me na. Huhuhu. Char! Dun ko palang naisip na, “Game on!”. If you’re wondering kung nasaan yung partner ko? Well he’s recovering sa sarili nilang house kasi nasabugan siya ng 100 balloons sa face and arms. Long story siya. 

First day na wala sila, sisiw. Breastfeed and tutulog na siya. Mahaba pa nga siya matulog eh. Everything’s fine pa naman. So naisip ko na okay lang pauwiin na muna siya here sa bahay since miss ko na siya and miss na rin niya baby namin. 

When they got here, nakakapressure since inaalagaan ko both loved ones ko. Nilalagyan ko ng gamot kamay and face niya and I cater to everything na hingin ni baby. Nung gumaling na yung boyfriend ko, every night he leaves to do his business. So naiiwan ako sa house with baby all alone. Alone lang naman sa room. Hahaha. No one in the house can help me kasi yung lolo ko super tanda na, yung maid namin busy, yung uncle ko naman incapable and yung younger cousin ko too young pa. Hahaha. 

So far every night kinakaya ko naman siya. Pero dumating yung isang night na hindi ko talaga alam ang gusto niya. He cried every 20 minutes, kahit tapos ko na siyang ibreastfeed umiiyak pa rin siya. Then dumating yung time na he learned to cry na parang sinasaktan siya. Nako, super ingay and nakakaiyak talaga. Inisip ko kinakabag siya since hindi pa siya umuutot. Eh itong si baby naman Tutin nickname niya samin kasi ututin. Hahahaha. 

Ang hirap kasi a baby can’t tell you what’s wrong with him, hindi pa siya capable ng distractions and ang sign lang na hindi siya okay is crying. Sa sobrang lakas ng iyak niya and super confused na ko sa gagawin ko, I cried too. I eveb shouted and begged him to stop crying. Ang funny part or more touching part for me is he stopped and just looked at me. 

Since umiyak din ako hindi na siya umiyak. Ang super bait ni baby sakin. Hahahaha. So I pulled all my shit together, ginoogle ko ang problem, minssage ko siya and tumawag ako sa mother in law ko. 

Tadaaaaaaaaaaaah! Umokay na rin siya sa wakas. After that I prepared myself lagi sa mga situation na ganon. Ang iniisip ko nalang lagi is I should enjoy our time together kasi mabilis silang lumaki. Enjoyin and don’t be stressed. 

Ayun laaaang. Sa susunod ulit! I’ll blog what to do in case na kinabag si baby or hindi kaya mag poop! :) 

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The day that it dawned on me. I took three pregnancy test just to be sure. Different times in two days to be more exact. I was just a week and a half delayed on my period that time when I checked it. So I was thinking when I took my first PT was a false-positive, but then I thook two more and the same result keeps popping up. I was shocked with disbelief, I was anxious, I was scared, I was sad. To be honest, happiness wasn't there at all. I was thinking about my family, my boyfriend, my career, my plans and the baby's future. I wasn't where I was supposed to be to have a child. At the back of my head I was thinking of doing letting the baby go. How will I take care of it? Especially now when I can't even take care of myself or now where I'm just going to start to focus on myself and my career. I'm 26 years old, believe me I've learned my lesson and had my fill of enjoyment in my 20s. I was thinking about my baby's life, I don't want it to have a hard life, I want to give it the best life it deserves. But when I opened it up with mu boyfriend, he said that things may not go as the way we planned it. But letting go of the baby is not the only way. He will take full responsibility, he'll work hard, and he told me that a baby is a blessing NOT a MISTAKE. Babies are innocent. They shouldn't die because of our taste of lust. I prayed hard that night. I ask for God's guidance and strength, to be bestowed upon me. I prayed that people around me would hopefully understand the situation. I was more scared of telling it to my mom and dad. But again my boyfriend told me that they will get mad, but it will fade and they'll understand it. They would still love me either way. Realizing that not every woman was/is given a chance to be a mother, that I should be happy that I get to carry a blessing and I get to do what I'm supposed to do as a woman -- to be a mother and bear a child. Havig a baby is definitely not a mistake but a blessing. I realized it now. I stopped smoking, drinking and having too much fun outside. I told my family. We told my bf's family. We got through it. They accepted the fact that we're going to have a baby. Advice? God has bigger plans for everyone. You may not understand it or like it at first but there's a purpose with it.

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