hpsych

[hpsych]

• 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝔬𝔣 𝔡𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝕕𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕝𝕤

       this is ambrosia, the nectar of the gods.       to drink this will awaken all of your dormant potentials.       but... should you?

“ 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚒𝚗 𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜, 𝙸 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚍𝚘. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚛𝚐𝚞𝚎 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎, 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗’𝚝 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚜𝚘 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚎𝚕, 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘, 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢. “

tw: murder, personality disorder, phobia, torture, abuse, suicide mention, swearing

      He was a fighter child. His mother knew even then that he had to be, in that environment of thugs, thieves, killers, gamblers – you name it, you’d find it in Reykjavik. She knew, before he had been born, that they would kill him if they had the chance. Harry’s father never actually showed up to help his mother, they weren’t exactly a rich family, there were things Harry never actually understood about his dad, and specially why he decided to have a son that he would never actually be able to see, and now, there was Harry, sitting on the throne with his symbol, as it was offered to him the honor to now replace his father.

     A million thoughts were coming and going into his mind as he was holding that chalice, Harry had a choice, leaving right now and never seeing that chance again, rejecting a god’s wishes, or staying, drinking that pink amber and forever be haunted with feelings of the years and years he wished for a father and got nothing.

     He didn’t hated his dad, he just wasn’t sure if following his steps were the right call for someone like him. There were things about Harry’s personality that he didn’t wanted to bring back up, things that should forever stay burried inside him where nobody else can see them. That’s his biggest fear, to lose control not of the person he was, but the person his mind sometimes wishes him to be.

      — Why am I doing this, dad? — He wispered to himself as his gaze was focused on the liquid, his face being reflected on it by the dancing fire.

     Harry’s hands were shaking, he was nervous, his body felt sick, as a little anxiety was taking over. Something was bothering him, like he was trying to check inside his mind if it was a good idea to give himself that power. Anxiety is always getting to feel like something is out of place in Harry, and when he can’t find what it is, he starts thinking it’s himself. He wasn’t comfortable, but now looking around, the way people seemed to believe on the god’s choices and the way some people were already drinking that thing, somehow his mind started feeling uncomfortable with the fact that Harry was taking so long to just do it. And in a blink of an eye, the chalice turned as it touched his lips, the ambrosia tasted like honey, lemmon juice and pepper, a quite weird mix but the taste didn’t lasted long, and just like that, it was done.

     After the ceremony, it didn’t took long for people to go back to their beds, Hermes’s words didn’t seemed to scare people that much, but still, Harry could see some nervous eyes following him as he passed, the movement around the camp started to go quiet and some thoughts just couldn’t leave his mind. He was by his bed for a moment, only as he waited for the dinning hall to be fully empty, he knew it wouldn’t be an easy night and he didn’t wanted to be around his cabin when the devils in his mind start dancing.

      What are nightmares if not the same as dreams? People keep doing promises that dreams do come true, but most of them forget that nightmares are dreams too. Hopelessness, fear, dread, anger, and death, those were the words Hermes used while explaining what could happen, like their minds would go to their worst place and hope to come back in one piece.

      — A bit dramatic., maybe — The thoughts came out as words as Harry entered the big dinning hall. The fire was still burning, the thrones were still standing there now empty and it was all so quiet that every step he would take it sounded like a torpedo dropping.

     He kept his gaze at the flames as they looked like dancing for him, like the fire itself was aware of his presence and were now reacting to it. As he was making his way to the throne he was earlier it almost looked like the fire was getting shorter, his attention was turned to it until he heard a hissing sound, but by the time he turned, he screamed, as he felt the pain of fangs biting his leg so hard that he dropped to the ground in pain, both hands held the leg as he felt the bite really hurting, his eyes took a few seconds to see the dark grey-ish snake moving into the dark corner right next to his father’s throne.

      — What the... fuck... — His breathing was getting anxious as he felt a pain inside his leg growing and starting to move up to his knee — Ugh... shit, shit shit.

     As he tried to get up, the snake seemed to get angry, and threat to attack him again, Harry couldn’t move, the pain on his leg felt like he had rotten blood in there, and pepper in his eyes as they started to tear up and hurt, his face turning red and the effects starting pretty quickly.

      — Where is he, Harry? — Out of nothing, that voice came up. A child’s voice, something part of a dark and old memory deep inside Harry’s mind, memories of a time he wish he could forget.

      — Get out of my head... —  Harry whispered.

      — Where’s Ryan?

     The voice didn’t sounded like coming from right next to him, in fact it sounded more like the voice of a kid who’s just scared and lost in the end of a dark hallway while you’re following his voice with a candle to try to find him. And that voice, asking for that name, Harry didn’t wanted that back in his mind.

      — I’m no longer that person... I’ve changed... I’m... I’m not like that anymore... you hear me? You fucking bastard!! — Harry looked over to where the snake once was, and there were nothing there, but his leg, was starting to go black, as if the flesh was rotting, a disgusting smell was in the air as the pain would get stronger, Harry pulled his belt out and tried to stop the poison from moving up from his leg, it was the best thing he could do for now.

      — Where’s Ryan, Harry? Tell me, please!!

      —  SHUT UP!! — He yelled. The kid’s voice now sounded like he was ready to cry.

     As his leg were now hurting a little less, Harry tried to crawl himself to his father’s throne, resting his back on the throne while sitting on the floor, gasping and trying to surpass the pain.

      — Ryan!!

      — He was already dead you stupid little shit!! — He let out his thought once again as his forehead were sweating and he closed his eyes for a moment trying to keep his mind focused. — I tried to save him... It wasn’t my fault, it was yours!! — He gasped in pain again.

      — Was it? — The voice now sounded like coming from right in front of him.

     Harry opened his eyes, his gaze looking up, as now he could see clearly, right on the other side of the fireplace, a kid, ginger hair, white shirt with some dirty marks on it, he was looking right into Harry’s eyes.

      — I didn’t killed... Ryan.

      Harry’s voice was shaken as his leg had that pulsating feeling that would cause even more pain, his eyes seemed weird, his body was cold and he was starting to sweat.

     — What is this? — He pointed to his leg, where the bite mark now had a disgusting white liquid coming out of it, it was deadly infected.

      — Do you remember what you did to the boy at the Zoo, Harry?

     The kid’s voice now changed to female, as the fire started to look so bright that Harry couldn’t even look directly at it. — What Zoo? I never went to the Zoo with you or Ryan!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

     Just like a snap, the pain was gone. Harry’s lungs was begging for air as his body seemed recovering and as he looked at his leg, everything was fine, not even the bite was there anymore, but his head was hurting, really bad. He was at the dinning hall, but now the fire looked more intense, as the thrones would cast shadows behind them and the shadows seemed to dance with each other, Harry could hear something, like people talking, voices in the distance, he wasn’t sure if what he was seeing or hearing was real, so quickly he got up, walking fast to the outside and trying to make his way back to his cabin when he noticed that everywhere around him, he would only listen to the trees being shaken by the wind, not a single other sound, like the entire camp was empty, and he was the only living thing in there.

      — Did you showed him the snakes, Harry?

     A chilling sensation shook his spine as he heard a female voice behind him, but as he turned, nobody was there. Harry wasn’t in panic, but his lungs felt weird, his head was hurting and he was now feeling like something was moving behind him, it felt like a divine warning, like his sixth sense was telling him that something was standing right behind him, and he couldn’t shake that feeling away.

      — We are what we pretend to be, Harry. So we must be careful about what we pretend to be. — The kid’s voice was back, and as Harry looked to his side there he was, standing near the trees, almost like hiding behind one of them. — Can I pretend to be you for tonight?

      — How you pretend to do that? — Harry asked as feeling spooked by those green eyes with some weird cat reflection.

      — Wanna find out? — The kid whispered, putting a hand out to Harry while hiding half his face behind the tree.

      —  Fuck you!

     The man gave a step back, as he turned, ready to leave that area, he looked down, only to see the dark snake, jumping to his face.

     Harry screamed, falling to his back to the ground and pulling his arms to protect his face from the attack, but then, there were silence again. As he opened his eyes, he wasn’t by the treeline anymore, he was in fact a little more into the woods, a not so safe space to be, specially at that time.

      — DID YOU TRIED TO KILL MY BROTHER, HARRY?? — The female voice again, this time sounding angry, and as she was running straight to him but Harry couldn’t see from where.

     It wasn’t clear what was happening to him, all he could say is that something was happening to him, something was wrong inside him, his body felt sick, really sick, his head was hurting, his eyes seemed out of focus and he was getting out of breath even without trying to run, it felt like he was locked inside a cell in the middle of the woods with hungry animals waiting for him to turn. Everything felt like a threat, and Harry was a little panicked. That’s when he got up, a little messy, and started to try to run, he wasn’t sure which direction to go, but anywhere felt better than staying there.

     Everytime Harry would look back, he could swear he could see something moving behind him and on the sides, like there were figures in the shadows just folowing him and moving like monkeys, with their arms moving like crazy almost like trying to scare someone away from their territory, but before Harry could even try to get a better look, something grabbed his feet and he fell, rolling down a small hill and ending up with a few bruises all over his body.

      — Fuck... — He moaned as he felt his right knee hurting a lot, he wasn’t sure if he broke something but he wouldn’t be able to keep running with that pain.

      — YOU. KILLED. RYAN!!! —  A scream, somewhere in the woods.

      — I didn’t... I’m not like that... It wasn’t my fault... — His voice sounded like he was crying, like he was being taken by regret and a wave of feelings. — I’m sorry... I didn’t thought it would end up like that. — His eyes were tearing up as Harry started to cry.

      — Cut the crap, kid. — A different voice, male, older, took Harry totally off guard. It wasn’t actually a male voice, it sounded weird, but at same time familiar. As Harry looked next to him, that snake, that same snake, right there, looking at him. — They know you don’t care.

     If it wasn’t already too weird what was happening, the fact that the snake just spoke would sound very creepy. But Harry was just looking at it, while the snake seemed to grow till it’s head looked as big as his hand.

      — F-Father?

      — Even when you’re about to die, you can’t stop faking your emotions.

     A second ago, Harry looked in panic, crying and filled with regret, now, he seemed more normal, like an actor in the end of the scene, only a little scared.

      — I didn’t do anything to them... I’m trying to get a different life. Why is this happening to me?

      — You killed a kid, Harry, and almost killed another. This isn’t something it will ever leave you. — It wasn’t quite clear how that animal was talking to Harry, it’s lips were sealed but the sound of the disgusting voice were still being heard inside Harry’s mind. — You’re a monster, I should have killed you when you were a baby, or even better, I should have your entire family killed before you could even be born. You’re a disgrace to everything I created.

      — Don’t say that to me... —  He murmured almost like begging him to stop triggering his mind like that.

      — How dare you to sit on that throne and drink from that chalice? You’re not my son, you’re the scum we olympians live to destroy, you’re the kind of bastard kid who deserves nothing but pain and rejection for what you really are. Like your friends did, like your mother did, like I did, the world will forever do.

     At every word he would hear, it felt like Harry’s mind was getting more and more triggered, like those were the words to use to unlock something inside the boy’s mind that he was fighting very very hard to keep locked.

     — You’ll never be anything, Harry, you’ll forever be just a pain to everyone’s memories, you’ll never have anyone standing by your side, and you’ll never be free from your curse, and you know why? Because I know what you really are, and what’s inside of you, is something so evil that if it ever comes out, they will kill you with no second thought!

     It felt like a hand squeezing his heart, his entire body felt cold, as those words would hit him. He wasn’t that kind of person anymore, he was trying hard to be a differetn person, he was trying to change, trying to do better and be a better person, but he was angry, angry to hear those words again, and there were that voice again, inside his mind saying that he should bath those trees with snake’s blood, stab that animal so many times that not even the bones would ever be recognized, but before he could even try, something clicked in his mind.

      — NO. I’M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE!! — Harry shook his head, as a conflict of thoughts started to hurt his mind even more, he fell to the ground and kept both hands to his head, taking deep breaths and trying to think on something different, fighting to keep the control over the dangerous side of his personality.

      — There are shadows dancing around you in the dark, Harry. You know why? They’re here for you. Haunting you, they will follow you forever, waiting for the day you’ll lose your mind or kill yourself, and they will feast over your soul and flesh.

     Harry opened his eyes again, he could see them. Almost like hiding in the trees, figures, moving around in every direction, like an evil cult dance. He was tired, stressed, scared. The ghosts from his past were there to torture him, and if he wanted to live to see the next day, maybe it was about time for him to stop running from them.

      — Do you know why mom left? — He asked.

     — She cared about me, but she couldn’t keep me... you got a married woman pregnant of a baby she never wanted, but still, she kept me, she protected me from the things that could have happened to me in Reykjavik, she tried to find a good place for me to stay but nobody could keep me, so she left me at one of the bests orphanages she could find. — He sighed. — I don’t hate her. But when I got older I tried to find her, but I failed, still I have no idea even if she’s alive today. It’s not my fault she left, it’s yours.

     As he took a deep breath, Harry forced his muscles to get his body to stand, it took him some effort, his knee was hurting pretty badly, and he was filled with scratches all over his body, he wasn’t sure of any of that was real, but if he was to die that night, he wouldn’t die as the monster they wanted him to be. When he finally got up, Harry took a deep breath, looking up to the leafs on the trees being blown by the wind, and back down, to where behind the trees he could see figures. Like ghosts from his past.

      — I didn’t killed Ryan because I wanted to hurt him. I was a kid, and I hated to see how my best friend seemed to like him more than me, I couldn’t get Ryan to stay away so I tried to talk to my best friend about him, and he ignored me, he made me feel ignored, like I was something he could easily replace... so I took Ryan from him, I took him to the bridge saying that we would fish, Ryan believed, so I pushed him in the river. But the water was too cold and running too fast, I was gonna get him terrified of me so he would never show up near my best friend again, but... the help couldn’t get there in time. Ryan died that day. I was eight.

     Harry could tell that the ginger kid hiding behind the tree looked like ready to cut his throat, and he wasn’t the only one.

      — Few years later I moved with my foster family... and I met Kate, she was my new best friend but... her little brother was a pain on the ass, he would do things at home and blame Kate only so she would be in trouble with their parents... I used to see him as a stone on my way so I had to remove him. One day me, Kate and her brother went to the Zoo, he wanted to see the snakes, the black snakes... but Kate is terrified of them so I went with him, and I told him to climb a little higher the fence so he could have a better view, and when I was about to push him in there... Kate showed up. She punched me and pulled her brother back. I never saw her, her brother or their family ever again.

     He gasped, a tear dropped from his eye, but he cleaned his face right away, he wasn’t sad, that wasn’t a tear of sadness, Harry didn’t knew how to feel sad about those things, he wasn’t sad about what he did, he was sad about what he lost on the way.

      — I can’t change what I did... — He sighed.

      — I can only try to be different. And I will be different, I am different. I’m doing everything I can to keep my obsessions and my manipulations to the side, I can’t change my brain, but I can change my life.

     For a moment, his eyes looked around, the dark figures looking like a threat to him were now moving slowly, like even the dark side of his nightmares were paying attention.

      — You can’t change. Your family left you, your friends left you, it is your destiny to be alone, to lose your mind and be a nobody. It’s your destiny to die slowly, while you watch your fears and paranoias eat your sanity.

     The voices were getting mixed together, he could no longer say who said what, almost like it was all really happening in his mind, Harry was finally starting to take back the control of something. But confronting his past and his fears wasn’t enough, he was in pain, not just physical pain, but it felt like his mind was indeed starting to lose control of itself thanks to this new life he so badly wanted for himself. Harry was trying to ignore a nature he was born in to be part of a different one.

      — I can change whatever the hell I want. It’s my life and I won’t go back to be the monster you say I am, and people will see that in me. Some people say love is a feeling, dad, but it’s not. It’s a choice. You may feel ‘in love’ when things are great, everyone does. What about when things get bad? Like when you make a huge mistake with someone, or when you’re son is a psychopath and instead of showing support and saying that he can be a good person, you call him a monster... Whether or not you choose to stay and help, that’s what makes love a choice, and I’m tired of letting my hate for you to follow me, so... I right now choose to love you dad. I choose to be something you never showed me.

     He teases the huge snake as it seems to get pissed by it, starting to crawl around Harry with that huge body, but Harry wasn’t scared, not anymore, his body was hurting, but he kept himself strong.

      — And to the rest of you, feel free to do whatever you want, if yoou want to keep haunting me for the mistakes I made, fine, if you want to move on and leave my mind alone, that’s fine too... but I won’t keep your screams in my thoughts, I won’t let my mistakes follow me everywhere I go, so if you want to fight me, well... I can promise you, that I’ll give every single one of you a worst ending than the one I gave Ryan. Don’t create a monster cause you don’t want him turning against you.

     The hissing noise coming from behind was quite enought for Harry to turn his head to his back, right on time to see those huge snake fangs flying towards him, as an instinct, Harry pulled his arm in front of his body, protecting his vital area as he felt a burning sensation to the arm, next thing, he woke up, every single part of his body was hurting, and his arm, was touching the fire on the dinning hall.

     He screamed in pain as he pulled the arm back, a little out of breath and all sweaty as if he just woke up from a terrible nightmare. He wasn’t sure which parts were more real, or if everything was his imagination boosted by the ambrosia, but there he was, laying on the ground right in front of the throne he was sitted, in pain, and trying to recover while the sun was already out.

     At first, he didn’t believed in what Hermes said the previous night, about their minds being exposed to pure terror, illusions and pain so intense that some people could even die, but now, as he woke up alive after something, he got the idea, Harry’s worst nightmare, is in fact lose control of his condition, he was trying for so long to keep his mind on safe places, he couldn’t lose everything now.

[hpsych]