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hsunshineafterdark-blog · 6 years ago

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West of Nowhere

Friday

I can't sleep. It seems to be a trend these days; I wish it was as chic as my mind is making it out to be. This isn't some fight club insomnia story. I'm not going crazy, at least I think I'm not. As far as I've noticed I'm stepping out of crazy and back into normal life. But the lack of sleep at night has become my only bridge to crazy and back into normal life. I've grown too used to being abnormal. I have suffered the difficulties of being different and I've grown used to the pain of standing out like a yellow buck tooth. Staying up late and forgetting how to sleep is all I have left of my mental missteps.

It started when I became ill briefly. It only lasted about a week but my schedule never quite got back on track. Then the depression came. Oh! The solitude of the lonely nights, I could hardly stand it. I logged myself into silly dating apps and found myself looking for the perfect stranger. It felt like begging to be noticed in some way; no, it feels like begging to be noticed in every way.

"Please, sir, will you tell me I'm beautiful and witty and amazing?" My pictures and bio beg like an orphan begs to have parents.

Maybe the perfect strange will be my knight in shining armor. Maybe they will send me dick pictures and ask me to send my private body back to them.

"Let me see your titties." They demand like there aren't millions of beautiful breasts online for them to ogle. I suppose it means more to them that they've had text exchanges via tinder with the breasts in question...

I know the perfect stranger doesn't exist for me right now and the knight in shining armor is a figure of speech; mostly because knights don't wear armor any more. See, being west of nowhere I've learned that I am that knight, if you will. I am simply unwilling to acknowledge that I am the only person who can rescue me from this pain. It's difficult to be the knight and the damsel, I tell ya.

I'm trying, I really am.

He's dead, ok? He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. He's as dead as someone can be, unless your name is Jesus or Lazarus. He will not be back. I'm safe from him here... West of Nowhere. Don't worry I didn't kill him, I told you this isn't like every other suburban insomniac story.

West of nowhere is the name of my mind palace. Sherlock Holmes had one and I decided I might as well have one too. I guess Happy Gilmore kind of had one but that was more of a "happy place", I don't have a happy place. I guess this isn't so much a palace as it is a prison. In my mind prison, West of Nowhere, he is dead; it's the only way to cope- well, that and my little white antidepressants. Oh, and the insomnia.

Why is he dead in West of Nowhere? Because he ought not to have ever lived... at least not to my knowledge. It was the only way to escape the pain and havoc he created in my life. He was dead in West of Nowhere before he was even out of my real life. My mind palace always knew he was not the rightful heir to the kingdom. He was an imposter and he needed to be banished with no hope of returning; punishment by death was the only way.

Again, I didn't even kill him there. He was one day and the next he simply wasn't. There was no graphic imagining of him being tortured in an ironmaiden or hanging in front of the village. There was no head on a steak. It was just common knowledge that he was no longer alive; the knowledge of the palace; the resident, only one; me. Except for the knight I keep seeing out of the corner of my eye.

I see the knight dressed in armor, head to toe, walking through the palace exactly parallel to me. If I turn my head he vanishes. I walk the long halls and he is there. Sometimes I see him in the reflection of glass and mirrors, only out of the corner of my eye. He is in my peripheral, with me every moment, though I dare never speak. I want to keep his company here.

Wow, how overwhelmingly immersed in patriarchal society am I that even in my mind palace I fear speaking to a man I made up? What? My imaginary friend in my imaginary palace is going to leave me if I say the wrong thing? Shaking my damn head, I'm gonna talk to him.

"Hey," I say to the long corridor in front of me. I hear my footsteps echo back toward me and my words linger like snow in a shaded place. Maybe he needs an invitation. "Do you want to talk to me or are we not that serious yet?"

The knight chuckles. (Because I never bomb in my palace) I turn to face him and he stays. I can see him, literally, in shining glory. My eyes widen as I view him. I can feel the tension leading up to him speaking and my heart begins to race.

Ding.

I open my eyes, to a dark room. Was I dreaming? No, I was in my mind palace. I look around a bit confused and reach for my phone. I unlock it with my fingerprint and roll over to read the message. The ding was the infamous "u up?" text from a new lover of mine. Ah, Jimmy, he is rather uninteresting aside from his apparent lack of confidence, which I find endearing. His face is as neutral as they come, not quite handsome but not awkward enough to be ugly. He is white and has dark blonde or is it light brown hair? I've never seen him in the light of day, so I am not sure. He has a basic haircut. He is a tall man, which might be the only interesting thing in his appearance, that and his nose is Roman shaped but rather short and his upper lip is quite long in comparison to beauty standards today. Someone might find him to be beautiful, but that someone is definitely not me.

I tell Jimmy- that's what his friends call him, he asked me to call him by his given name and I do- to come over and kiss me good night. He asks when and where. We go over the details redundantly. I have a feeling he deleted my messages because he has a full-time lover or significant other but I don't care. It wouldn't be my mess to clean. Jimmy might just be a normal single guy who doesn't want to scroll up and read an address on their phone. I can't tell you how many times I had to give... well, never mind, I don't want to think of him right now.

Jimmy calls me when he arrives. I walk out the front door, he already knows he will not be invited in this evening. He doesn't know that I have another man sleeping in my bed. I don't care much for that man and can guarantee I will not respond to any messages, if he ever sends one again. I'm hoping he will leave as soon as he wakes up, not like the last time where he woke me up and had me make him breakfast. The lazy bastard. I hate being woken up when I am finally sleeping. I mean, in today's hookup culture who sticks around in the morning? Everyone knows, you just leave.

I am happy to see Jimmy. He is becoming a familiar face and I now link that face with pleasure in my mind. I can feel my pussy warm as he steps out of his Audi. I lean in to hug him as I say hello and he raises his arms high in the air. I am clutching the back of his ribs as he stretches and yawns, I become increasingly uncomfortable as he doesn't greet me. I drop my arms, look at my feet, and giggle with discomfort. I feel my cheeks flush; am I seriously blushing from embarrassment in front of Jimmy? I am. Damnit.

"Well, um, hey." I say to gain some kind of a grip on myself.

"Hi." He leans in to hug me, I am tempted to not hug him back but I do, and I kiss him. His mount tastes like mouthwash and his cheeks smell like aftershave, I don't know which kind but it is intoxicating. "Sorry, I've been cramped in here all night. I needed the stretch."

The way Jimmy talks, it seems like his body isn't quite sure if what he's doing is ok. Like, an alien trying to fit in in a human suit because being human in the mirror works but being human in public is harder. I assume he had a rough home life and wasn't exactly adored by his parents. I could be wrong but he definitely wasn't a cool kid or a high achieving nerd. I've never met a man who was as old as Jimmy that still didn't know how to comfortably move in their body. Maybe, I haven't met enough men. I wish I could just look at Jimmy and not try to read into everything but that's just how I am. What I like about Jimmy is I know he wants me for sexual connection, for physical closeness and nothing else.

I sit in his car and we begin kissing. Who hurt you? Kissing him is an absolute delight. He is soft and brushed his tongue across my lips when we start. His hands caressing my head and shoulders inviting my body closer to his. He wisps his lips and breath up and down the left side of my neck when the kissing becomes slightly monotonous. While he does that he holds my right shoulder down and away from his head, simultaneously pulling my hair with enough pressure to immobilize me. I sigh into this pleasure, I trust him. When he is done kissing my neck he moves back to my mouth, this time with more aggression. I find it sexy as we repeat this pattern a few times; my pussy is also flattered.

Jimmy and I hardly talk. We just kiss; slowly, then passionately, then lightly, then roughly. We kiss. He touches me everywhere. I want him to touch me everywhere, I want to beg him. I want to lay in the snow bank next to his car and beg him to take me under the street light. I don't, I just let him touch me. I unbutton the front of my jean shirt as his head dives for my right areola. He kisses, nibbles, licks and sucks on my nipples. I am beyond aroused. I can feel my clitoris pulsing as he continues pleasuring me, it is like my breasts and clitoris have a direct link to each other. Am I going to come? The thought stops the feeling and my energy seems to stop Jimmy as he works his way back up my chest and neck and kisses me on my lips.

Jimmy has to go back to work. I dont want him to leave. I want him to stay with me. I want him to be all mine. I want to keep him as a little pet. I kiss him again as a plead. No, I kiss him out of defiance, I need to regain control of this situation. I place my hands on his cock. It is rock hard beneath his pants, I tell him he needs to start acting in his big dick energy because he owes it to his big cock. I meant it, he's HUGE! This gives more aggressive passionate kissing. If we weren't in this car, I would have wrapped my legs around him like an anaconda (or is that a python, both maybe?) but I can't. The only way to gain control is to stop kissing him.

I stop. He moves down my body and kisses and caresses my other breast. This side feels even better. I hear a song come on, my God it sounds amazing.

"My dopamine levels must be high in my brain right now." He doesn't stop he is continuing his pursuit of my pleasure. "All of these songs sound so amazing. I've never even heard this one but it's a good song. Black Kennedy."

He kisses me again. I hear my phone go off, I am afraid it's what-his-name asking me where I am. I make an excuse that it might be family and I have to check my phone. It wasn't what-his-name, it was a different man from tinder. I ignore it. We kiss with heat and fire. He has my pussy in his hands and it feels like I might melt into a spinning ball of rapture. I stop him. I remind him he has work tonight.

"I don't want to go to work, I just want to fuck you now." He says this in a whinny almost childish way I was not expecting. I mock his words and actions by overly dramatizing it by sounding exactly like a 4 year old and I stomp my feet on his car. Then I laugh so he knows I am only being playful.

"Here, let's have a cigarette. It's cold outside that should help you. Do you want one? I bought a pack today and I need to get rid of these." I hand him my pack of stupid smelly cigarettes. He accepts and we step out of his car. I walk around to the driver's side and see he is fiddling with his pants, his cock is probably in an uncomfortable position. Ah, and that position is erect. I stand close to him and gesture like I am gaurding anyone from seeing it, although I am the only one around. I can't resist the temptation to rub against him. My God, he is hard. I kiss him after I take a drag of a cigarette. It reminds me too much of... never mind. I take a step back.

I gaze at him. I must be high on endorphins because Jimmy is looking so handsome right now. My eyes must be a little too dilated to see all of the imperfections. I lay my right hand on his chest, he flinches. I am surprised by this, our hands have been everywhere on each other tonight. I crinkle my nose and furrow my brow.

"I don't know why I did that." He says as confused as I am.

"Don't worry," I chuckle, "Your heart is safe from me." I touch his shoulder and lean into his cock again like before. I kiss him without emotion hoping to convince him that he doesn't have to love me. I am the ice queen.

I kiss him on the cheek and tell him to text me tomorrow. I walk away from his car and hear my footsteps on the asphalt. A tree shades the streetlight and I enter the shadows, I feel a sensation come over me to turn around. No, I won't turn around. Turning back to see if they are still there is how you catch feelings and I don't ever want to catch feelings for the wrong guy again.

I go inside, lock the door behind me, the dogs bark and I quiet them. I lay on the couch and I masturbate until I climax. The next thing I know, I'm asleep.

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