hucc

[hucc]

Hackney Umpires v Brixton Barbarians

The Gentrification Cup Final

Sunday 23rd June 2019, Millfields

Sorry to be a bit unimaginative but I thought I’d start this match report by talking about cricket.  Specifically Steve Harmison, the Ashington Express, and the 2005 Ashes, the defining cricket experience for anyone born too late for ’81 but before 1990.  And, almost inconceivably now, the 2005 Ashes was live on actual normal telly (note for people born after 1990 ‘normal telly’ means the 4 ‘terrestrial’ free-to-air channels and, grudgingly, channel 5).

Yeah, so Steve Harmison and 2005.  After a decade and more of utter domination by the Aussies the series begun unsurprisingly with them beating us at Lords, despite some signs of resistance. But instead of folding meekly in the second test at Edgbaston, England were fighting hard.  As the day 3 reached its close things were in the balance: Michael ‘Pup’ Clarke, the youthful blond-haired batting machine, was on 30, Warney at the other end on 20. Australia are 106 runs away from victory with three wickets remaining. It was exciting.  It was tense.  But we knew the Australians didn’t give a Castlemaine XXXX for the warm foam of our cricketing hopes.  So while we hoped, it was more the hope that we could keep on hoping for as long as possible until the inevitable calamity of defeat arrived.

I like Steve Harmison.  He didn’t sound much like a sportsman, he didn’t seem to have the single-minded flinty-eyed certainty that every Australian in the 2000s possessed. He seemed like a nice fella, but with the great skill of being 6’4” and letting go of the ball at 90mph.  The faster and the bouncier the better. And so, late on that 3rd day in Birmingham, with the light of my 2005 reminiscences turning a lush golden hue, the big man comes loping in from the boundary. He gets to the wicket.  He bowls.  It’s a useless full toss. Clarke readies to punch it away.  He flinches.  The stumps are broken. It wasn’t a useless full toss…it was a brilliant slower ball that totally fooled Michael Clarke. Pup is in the doghouse and we jump to our feet in celebration as the wicket brings the day’s play to a triumphant end, and sets up a nail biting finish that we win by just 2 runs on the way to a joyous series victory.  I don’t think I ever saw Steve Harmison bowl a slower ball before or after that. It appeared to be a perfect one-off.  The ultimate surprise, executed perfectly.

Why am I telling you about this?  Good question.  As ever with cricket there’s a fiddly bit involving a sequence of numbers to get us to where we need to be but there is a connection.  So we move forward 14 years to 2019 to find the Brixton Barbarians chasing down a lowly 138 for victory against the Hackney Umpires. 

Gary ‘Yesno’ Aubin,  after a year out probably due to disciplinary matters, is in the midst of an excellent spell of bowling, troubling the batsman with accuracy and surprising one-liners. But despite this and Kieran’s superb 7 overs 1 wicket for 19 runs Brixton are close, needing just 23 runs from 8 overs and they have 6 wickets left.

Dijon Malla the Brixton no5 has been the chief thorn in our side, compiling 40 runs, the highest score on either side on a pitch that was difficult to bat on. 

Gary comes loping in from the boundary.  He gets to the wicket.  He bowls to Malla.  The batsman’s eyes light up he swings.  He might have even had a chance to swing again such was the sheer lack of pace.  Slower ball! Deadly straight.  The ball hits the stumps and it is out. 

A slower ball, particularly a disguised slower ball, is not an easy thing.  I know because that’s my secret weapon delivery.  Just been hit for 6? No problem, run in harder and let it go with maximum arm swirling but as little effort as possible.  Doing that bit is fairly simple, it’s doing that and getting it on the right trajectory that’s the difference between the rankest filth and pure genius.  Gary Aubin take a bow, this was genius. In the blink of an eye 115 for 4 is suddenly 119 for 7 as left arm spin then accounts for 2 in two balls. And then, the same over, another stonewall LBW (happy 50th anniversary) right in front of the stumps, back pad, not playing a shot. So out that the appeal, although spontaneous and hearty, felt something like of a formality…oh, OK then... not out.  I mean it looked out to me is all I’ll say ,but on the other hand I have stood as umpire quite a few times and I can count the number of LBW decisions I’ve given on that self-same finger that gave the decision. 

If you live by the inscrutable shake of the head then sometimes the boot is on the other foot.  Mixed metaphors aside the point here is that Gary’s slower ball has unlocked the door, the collapse is on, 19 runs from 4 overs and just three wickets and that boot that was on the other foot is bearing down on that inscrutably shaking head like a metaphor out of control.

Earlier that day the Hackney Umpires, representing north London, were put in to bat on a warm and cloudy June day against the Brixton Barbarians, an unknown quantity from south of the Thames, in the so-called final of the Gentrification Cup, which I think was something someone said by mistake at our previous match and then we seemed to end up playing it.

First impressions count and my first impression of our team was: there’s only 9 of us.  My first impression of the opposition: why have they all got matching club kit, with squad numbers and their names on? Including a dedicated scorer!  Also with kit, number and name. 

The classic sign of gentrification did not take long to arrive: our skip in the skip, bowled by Denton for a disappointing 18 by one that he had no chance to defend.  Dave F was next. He struggled to time it on the pitch and the bowlers didn’t give him much.  Bowled Denton.  Matt Veal the Bournemouth Bulldozer in, then out, bowled Denton.  Ol changed things up, being bowled by Shaw, for a duck, bowled via glove and then box. Painful.  And so the architrave of our top order was ripped out and consigned to the dustbin of history thus revealing, somewhat prematurely, the startling original features of our middle order.

Dave Fawbert is often ahead of the curve.  A former A&R man he can spot the next trend quicker than even the most zietgeisty millennial.  So when Nostrafawbus turns to me and, with us being about 60-4 all clean bowled, and says: ‘well at least we haven’t had a run out’ it did set a bit of an alarm bell ringing.  That ringing swiftly transformed into the bell of Notre-Dame as the spark of Dave’s speculation took hold in the vaulted ceiling of our innings and Kieran hunched back towards us having been dismissed short of his ground amongst the burning ashes of a sorry collapse.

If Anthony and Dave F are the load-bearing wall of our batting.  The David Dawkins and Manny Hawks would be the party wall. Dawks and Hawks set off on a rebuilding mission, and though Manny played around a straight one, David top scored as the wickets continued to fall reaching 28 before he unerringly picked out the fielder at mid on. 

With 8 down and having run out of players the opposition took pity on us and offered to allow a batsman back in.  Ol’s pride, and other places, were sufficiently restored for him to retake the field.  He avoided a second duck and ended not out with a 20 run last wicket partnership.  In some ways it felt wrong to accept the invitation for a batsman who had been out to go again.  Wrong but helpful.  It could only be hoped that the cricketing gods, those cruel arbiters of fate, had already been satisfied with the run out and would not also single out Ol for some painful retribution at a time of their choosing. 

So 137 all out.  Bit crap but what can you do. Go out and bowl them out was the answer. And bang Ol was on it straight away taking out their opening.  Bang again at the start of his third over.  Only this time it was the sound of his hamstring.  And we were hamstrung without Ol’s hamstring, leaving us deprived of the club’s all-time leading wicket taker and effectively reduced to 6 fielders. Dave F made up for goading the cricket gods by single-handedly covering the entire leg side for long periods. Matt Veal troubled the batsmen but could not break through. Despite wickets by David, Manny and Kieran the Brixton middle order held firm. 

It is partnerships that hold the key in cricket and Brixton’s 4th and 5th wickets added 84 runs between them.  The Barbarians were now at the gates. 

But then as we know, the slower ball, the double wicket maiden, just 4 overs remain, 19 runs still needed the opposition scrabbling around for equipment, panic on. Could this be a famous victory for north London?

Another Harmison anecdote occurs to me now. As brilliant as that slower ball was, in some ways Harmy is much better known for another ball he bowled.  This one at the very start of the 2006 Ashes, the first ball six months on from that triumphant home series. The big man loped in at the Gabba, an expectant hush around the ground, that turned instantly to derision as he bowled what was officially dubbed the worst ball in history fielded by Freddie ‘Pedalo’ Flintoff at second slip setting the tone for a series that started badly and fell away from there.

But wait I need to finish this match report, enough of the Steve Harmison anecdotes. Where had I got to?  Oh yes, 19 runs with 4 overs to get them in.  Gary Aubin lopes in, an expectant hush…OK maybe you’ve guessed what’s coming.  If Ol had been able to bend over at slip then maybe he would have stopped it. I’m not sure it was the worst ball in HUCC history, but it certainly wasn’t the best. The ball scoots through slips and on to third man.  But with just 6 fielders there is no third man.  Matt Veal sprinting from mid on makes a valiant attempt to stop the thing but it trickles gently over the boundary for five wides.  15 runs in total from the over and well it wasn’t to be.  It would be harsh to blame the loss on that over.  Don’t get me wrong I’d like to try but it wouldn’t be right. Brixton played well, they simply bowled and batted better than us, took a couple of excellent catches had the top scoring batsman and the bowler with the best figures.  So let’s just remember the slower ball as the defining one yeah, just don’t get carried away Gary because I can re-edit this to focus more on the 5 wides.   

HUCC 137-9 29 overs (Extras 30, D Dawkins 28, K Kumaria 26)

BBCC 138-7 34.1 overs (M O’Brien 2/18)

Brixton Barbarians win by 3 wickets.  HUCC man of the match Gary ‘Harmy’ Aubin

Up the Umpires!

[hucc]

HUCC v Occasional Casuals Sunday 2nd June 2019

The 2019 campaign finally got underway on Sunday against The Occasional Casuals. 

 With a strong looking batting line up, returning skipper Anthony duly wins the toss, and, as night follows day, elects to bat first under sunny skies and on top of a dry looking Millfields’ strip.

 Our first wicket partnership is the latest in an illustrious line of ‘& Dave’ combinations. Where Sam & Dave led, and Chas & Dave followed, captain Anthony ‘Caveman’ Pearce and Dave ‘Das Fawbermeister’ Flobear have emerged as the Shakademus and Pliers of HUCC opening batsmen.

 17 overs in and batting first seems an excellent choice.  At the scheduled drinks break Ant & Dave have accumulated 85 runs at 5 an over without a wicket lost and almost untroubled.  While I could mention some of the classy shots they played, what I really want to tell you about is the Dave Fawbert Five. You may have heard of the Dave Clark Five.  Let’s face it, you probably haven’t, it doesn’t really matter.  Dave calls for a tight single catching Anthony slightly on the back foot.  By ‘slightly’ I mean leaning back on his bat staring disbelievingly at the onrushing Dave before….hold on, I’m coming… grudgingly setting off, reaching maximum velocity and launching a full length dive to make his ground, and were glad all over as the fielder’s wayward throw powers off to the boundary. Gertcha.  But enough of the antiquated-musical-Dave references (you got all three though right?), this was a proper full-length, arms outstretched, face-plant of a dive.  What Anthony lacks in motivation for the quick singles, he more than makes up for with determination to keep batting. 

So, 85 without loss after 17 overs.  It’s a healthy position.  It is indeed nothing less than a platform.  Previous HUCC sides, facing possibly slightly more penetrating bowling attacks, conceivably judged by less generous umpires, have stood atop similar platforms then fallen sickeningly to feeble surrender.  Controversial words I know, intended in no way to diminish the batting or indeed umpiring excellence that followed.  But if Millfields had a public address system the announcement at drinks would be something along the lines of ‘the next service leaving this platform is scheduled to terminate at Disappointment, stopping off at Incompetence-on-Sea, Bitterness and Rancour’. 

 Have you ever wondered whether you spend too much time on trains?

 There is of course no public address system.  In fact, as anyone who’s had a wee behind a tree at Millfields will testify, there are literally no facilities at all. [I should however clarify for the benefit of anyone from the Park User Group that I have not stooped to such depraved abuse of the delightful London Plane trees at North Millfields.  I merely point out that some other teams, particularly the more elderly, infirm and intoxicated have succumbed.  In a further legal disclaimer I am in no way suggesting that our opposition was entirely elderly, infirm and intoxicated.  Most were only one of those things].

 I think I got away with that. 

 So, match report-wise: we batted really well.  Anthony went past 50 for the 10th time as a Hackney Umpire, and after both openers were caught behind, Kieran and Simon injected pace into proceedings, scoring freely.  Although perhaps a little rusty, Special K, was still the pick of batsmen on both sides.  Coming into this game Kieran’s average was 66.00 which he consolidated by getting out for 66, bowled executing an uncharacteristic sweep/slog/flail. Ol ‘The Juice’ Thompson kept the momentum going and was joined by Chris ‘Ready’ Salter who showed some of the innovation that makes the short form of the game so enjoyable.

 By the end the Occasional Casuals had somewhat fallen away to Sporadic Lackadaisicals.  All that is except for Mr Enthusiastic who, from the depths of the boundary continued to vociferously encourage his teammates: “Come on lads we’ve got this” etc at the back end of 259-5 in 35 overs is a top effort and I salute you.

 Back out to defend our total we followed up this excellence with the bat with a general lack of competence in the field.  Perhaps it was the luxuriant cushion of runs, maybe it was a general lack of practice, or could it possibly have been the opposition’s ‘Chocolate’ Brownies.  So generously and repeatedly offered.  So deliciously moreish, potentially, hallucinogenically moreish?  

As has already been explored, at length, in previous match reports, there is something highly contagious, I could say catching but it doesn’t seem the right word, about the inability to hold the ball should it loop slowly in the air towards you. On this we were collectively poor, and there is no need or reason to single out Ol here, genuinely I don’t think his drop was the worst we have ever seen, although Manny may disagree.

 After 11 wicketless (but not entirely chanceless) overs, the batsmen were starting to gain in confidence and, at 64-0, the sun felt that bit more oppressive, the outfield a touch quicker, the loss of that 11th player potentially that much more significant.

 Fielders retreated towards the boundary.  The skipper changes up the bowling.  David ‘Dorx’ Dawkins has a happy knack of taking wickets, and it was from my vantage point on the rope at Cow Corner that I could see just how plumb LBW their opener was to David’s second ball, the famed quicker slow one.  Though I was a way back and it could have been the slower quick one to be honest.  And, thanks to this break-through, 64 for 0 slides chaotically into 85-4 as Anthony’s double change of bowlers brings a wicket in each of four consecutive overs.  So it was reaching their own mid-innings’ drinks break, that while the Casuals had scored slightly more runs, 95, those 4 wickets and our own post-drink burst of runscoring made 259 seems a long way away.  

 Talking of David D, he recently came back from an exotic work trip to Thimphu and the surrounding areas.  On this occasion however it was Simon who wins the award for Bhutan the ball over the boundary rope in another classic piece of mis-fielding that had us scratching our heads at what just happened. Fair play to Simon though he did take the only actual catch from our fielding ‘effort’ a well-judged effort at point to complete three wickets for slow left arming.

 While our fielding may have generally been crap we had moments of quality.  Mr Enthusiastic decides a slightly risky 2 is on the cards, (‘come on we’ve got this’), but ‘Ready’ Salter covers the ground quickly and puts in a good throw.  Barney behind the stumps still has a huge amount of work to do to stretch out, catch the ball and break the stumps, but he does and Mr Enthusiastic runs merrily off the pitch towards the non-existent pavilion, stopping only to suggest to the incoming batsman that they are on the brink of a famous victory.

 Despite this optimism the batting side then had Ol’s bowling to content with.  Soco (I assume this stands for Scene Of Crimes Officer) defending a brisk straight one from Ol lobs the ball gently Dorx, who palms it up, attempts a one-handed grab and tragically floors it.  It may or may not have been Mark Twain who coined the phrase ‘Comedy is tragedy plus time’.  In this case very little time was needed. During David’s juggling Soco has identified a chance for a cheeky single, because nothing eases the pain of a 129 run mauling like converting it into a mere 128 run trouncing.  As he flails towards the other end, the alchemy of tragedy and time completes its divine transmutation to comedy gold as David picks up throws and hits and another wicket is wasted.

 A deafening silence greets the next wicket as Ol bowls their valiant skipper with a full toss.  The skipper looks imploringly at his team mate at square leg who appeared to be facing in the opposite direction but was still able to correctly judge it a legal delivery.  A sad way to go, but there it was and the innings then capitulated to 129 all out, exactly halfway to the target they had been set. 

It was the third time in the last four games we had scored more than 250.The third time in the last six games that we’d bowled the opposition out.  129 runs is the biggest margin of victory we have achieved, eclipsing the 80 run win against Lewisham All Stars in September 2011.  But for a win, an epic win on a grand scale, somehow it felt a bit anticlimactic. Hard fought victories that seem in doubt until the end, we can now do.  Losses of all description we have a long track record of.  Thrashing the opposition? Maybe it’s a case of getting used to it. Plenty more games in the season to test that out.

 HUCC 258-5 (A Pearce 77; K Kumaria 66; S Griffin 38)

OC 129-10 (O Thompson 3/5; M O’Brien 3/32; D Dawkins 2/23)

 Hackney Umpires win by 129 runs.  Man of the match Kieran Kumaria.

[hucc]

Hackney Umpires v London Fields @ London Fields Sunday 16th September

If I was to say: Martina Navratilova, I reckon you might, depending on your knowledge of tennis, mention the longest winning streak in open tennis history. You might also bring up the career grand slam in singles, doubles and mixed doubles. Or you might reflect on the pioneering activism for gay rights, gender equality and vegetarianism.

If I was to say: Dennis Taylor, then you’ll recall the cheeky finger wagging Irishman who in 1985 at just after 1am on a Monday morning won the snooker world championship watched by 18.5m viewers the highest viewing figures for any UK programme ever after midnight.

And if I was then to add Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards to my growing list, I reckon you would finally get it and say: sports people that wear glasses!  And you’d be right.  Because, fresh from his exuberant 44 not out against Islington Lions last week, here is Manny ‘the Hawk’ Hawks one week later batting at 9 against London Fields driving gloriously for 4.  Here is Manny ‘Crazy Hawk’ Hawks ramping the Crème de Menthe of London Fields’ bowling attack to fine leg. Here indeed is Manny wagging that lower order tail again like a man possessed.  Has Manny purchased a piece of English willow handcrafted to his particular specifications?  Has he knuckled down in the nets honing his technique to perfection?  No he has not.  Instead Manny has got himself a new pair of glasses and it turns out being able to see the ball makes something of a difference when it comes to batting.  The man who’s batting was so experimental he would take an avant guard when he came to the crease has reinvented himself as a post-impressionist.

Two things follow from this:

In the same game Manny also gives our captain, highest all time runscorer, and batting legend Anthony out LBW for the second week in a row (lesson: some you win some you lose with new glasses)

And

2) Chief Archivist and glasses wearer MK O’Brien is out for 0 after 5 of the scratchiest balls witnessed outside of a sexual health clinic in Amsterdam (lesson: you can lead a horse to water but it’s not going to get properly forward to a ball on a length and backward point is always going to take a blinding catch).

Right that was all a bit crickety in my view.  Let’s match report people.

Hackney Umpires v London Fields a short history:

2013 - LFCC 189-7; HUCC 136-7; Draw (we insisted on village rules ha-ha)

2014 - LFCC 178-6; HUCC 170-6; Lost by 8 runs (a scoreboard related confusion meant we somehow lost an over at a crucial stage, we are scarred for life by the experience)

2015 - HUCC 203-4; LFCC 204-4; Lost by 6 wickets (we score loads of runs and feel invincible.  LFCC do the same and it turns out we were eminently vincible after all)

2016 - LFCC 336-8; HUCC 55-10; Lost by 281 runs (winners and losers all traumatised by the sheer scale of the annihilation.  This was utter humiliation and physical punishment on the grandest possible stage.  We are scarred for life by the experience)

2017 - HUCC 229-3; LFCC 138-10; Win by 91 runs (a triumph such as can scarcely be believed, all that scarring is shrugged off as mere preparation, hooray for us and all we stand for etc).

Obviously 2016 looms large in all our minds.  Even those who did not take part in that game.  Even our three new ringers: Jared, Tom and Chris are duly informed that they have to bear some responsibility for the utter shambolic failings of that 2016 side, the shamed XI, the unspeakables.  6 of today’s team were involved that day.  For the sake of their own credibility I won’t reveal who.

Anthony loses the toss and LFCC opt to bat first.  ‘Shit, that’s exactly what happened to us in 2016’ think Dave Fawbert, David Dawkins, Anthony Pearce, Kannan Navaratnem , Manny Hawks and Chief Archivist MK O’Brien.

So yeah those 6.  Plus the three ringers of whom we have the highest possible hopes (yes people they actually play cricket), plus Harry Richardson and Kieran Kumaria. Harry, has only missed one game all season and that was thanks to Ryan Air.     Kieran, can do no wrong, his batting average is ludicrous, his bowling parsimonious in the extreme.

We have a good side on paper.  This was indeed also a good side on the ludicrous greengrocers’ astroturf of Wray Crescent. So paper, astro, surely this will be a side to prevail on the grass at London Fields.

Kieran and Manny open our bowling. Kieran’s first 5 overs cost 3 runs, and God knows how they got those 3. He was immense.  The opening batsman survives a big shout for caught behind from Manny and Jared wearing the gloves.  It’s a massive shout, a shout I can still hear ringing in my ears, but there is doubt, the batsman stands his ground and we plough on.

After 9 wicketless overs Anthony has seen enough and brings Harry into the attack.  And talking of Ryan Air the very first ball took a direct route to somewhere it turns out the batsman didn’t really want to go.  A loosener’s loosener of a filthy trundling full toss is bunted into the air by the railway sleeper carrying kiwi and Manny’s eagle eyes make sure it lands safely far away from its intended destination.  Given full licence to experiment a double bouncing straight one in the same over also goes straight to the fielder and we celebrate wildly only to be informed that the laws of cricket have gone mad and that’s a no ball.  Seriously though if we can’t have the double bouncing straight one as a killer ball I don’t know what hope is left for village cricket.

Anyway I’m going to race through the next passage of play featuring as it did a few trademark Catches an Umpire has Not Taken interspersed with those inspired bits of fielding where Kannan shows he will still put his hands on the line for the cause. Newbie ringer Tom Curtis bowls 7 straight overs for just 22.  Just before drinks Chris snaffles a sharp caught and bowled chance. And after 18 overs we have restricted London Fields to just 76 runs.  

But they have 8 wickets in hand and the Fields come out fighting after the break.  Wickets now start to fall but the runs flow too.  Kieran fired up in the field completes an outrageously good full length catch and then executes a fabulous run out with a throw from the deep.  He finishes off proceedings with two well deserved wickets in the final over and we are chasing 211 to win in 35 overs.

Do-able we say to ourselves as we relax during the interval.

Do-able the old timers reflect as we bask in the idea of lower order relaxation while the ringers do the hard work for us.

So do-able we think as Tom Curtis and Dave Fawbert compile a 50 run partnership without loss after 10 overs.  Dave hits some punchy backfoot drives as he reaches the landmark of 100 runs for the season, then falls as he starts to go through the gears.  Kieran enters the fray.  But then watches from the non-striker’s end as the wheels come off, Tom’s bowling efforts seem to catch up with him as he plays on. Jared and Chris both start with good looking shots but fall cheaply.  And then with drinks approaching Kieran gets the thinnest of edges and has to walk.  5 wickets in as many overs and the do-able turns don’t-able.  David Dawkins though has other ideas and rebuilds resolutely with the skipper.  Anthony carrying an injury just wasn’t himself and Manny puts him out of his misery upholding an LBW appeal.  Harry and the Archivist come in, offer up catches, and are sent on their way.  The Manny show entertains us for a while until he runs himself out on 19 but we are on a one-way slide to oblivion and David completes the season in fitting style by being stumped.  Only Kannan remains unbeaten for a club record 9th time.  

So we lose by 74 runs (just in case that wasn’t clear from the above).  A performance of heart and spirit, with an even mix of quality both good and questionable.  A shame a season that has mostly seen success ends on low.  But with the benefit of the glasses of hindsight I think we can ramp Sunday’s game to the boundary to get a bit of perspective.

LFCC 210-8 (A Turner 89; K Kumaria 2/14 M Hawks 2/46)

HUCC 136-10 (T Curtis 30; M Hawks 19)

Hackney Umpires lose by 74 runs.  Man of the match Tom Curtis.    

Up the Umpires!

[hucc]

Hackney Umpires v Islington Lions Sunday 9th September 2018 Wray Crescent

A man decides after seventy years

That what he goes to Wray for, is to unlock the door

While those around him criticize and sleep

And through a fractal on a breaking wall

I see you my friend, and touch your face again

Miracles will happen as we play

© Seal 1990 (sort of anyway)

Fixtures-wise it’s been a bit of a headache this year. Given we only play twice a month, a couple of cancellations meant the Umpires had not taken the field since beating Kent Ramblas in West Wickham at the beginning of July. (This is of course to overlook our participation in the annual London Fields 6s tournament, and let’s be honest, that was another pretty forgettable performance in a short-form cricket tournament.  If ‘performance’ is not too strong a word).

So yes, two whole months since we took to the field.  You had to wonder how rusty we’d be.  One thing was for sure though, we wouldn’t be as rusty as the Wray Crescent park-keeper’s mower, which, judging by the length of the grass on the outfield, had also not seen the light of day for some considerable time.  In fact, the only grass that had been harvested at Wray was being consumed by the footballers who reluctantly vacated the playing surface to enjoy a bit of heckling from the side.  Ah Wray Crescent, it was ever thus.

Despite the rudimentary facilities there was a lot at stake: Hackney v Islington, a north London derby if you will.  This being a hurriedly arranged replacement fixture, the Islington Lions were a complete unknown.  Would we be savagely mauled? Could we tame the mighty King of the Jungle?

Come to mention it, why is the lion called the king of jungle when it lives out on the savannah? Hmm, good question my friend, and as you ask: jungle is a word in Hindi meaning ‘not an inhabited place’, or a wilderness.  With England playing India at the Oval a little bit of Hindi seems appropriate, and what more wilderness could one possibly need than Wray Crescent?

The skipper wins another toss and opts to bat first.  Anthony and Simon march out purposefully.  Simon’s orange bandana protecting his urdu from his batting helmet (OK I’ll stop with that now).  

We take a collective deep breath as the opening bowler runs in….and then relax: our openers are looking good, comfortably stopping the occasional straight one while getting full value from anything loose.

Simon in particular looks like he could fill his boots, while Anthony though scoring well, was struggling with a leg injury and survives a couple of half-chances, one of which was probably a three-quarters-chance, before Manny makes an early appearance for the day as umpire, raising the finger of doom in response to a strong LBW appeal.  With Anthony gone for 25, Kieran joins Simon and they press relentlessly on.  After 10 overs we are 99-1 and the Lions go very quiet in the field.  Little do they know how thin our batting line up is: with Harry stuck on a Ryan Air flight and David otherwise detained, chief archivist MK O’Brien is in next at a vertiginous 4 and the rest of the middle order is not exactly famed for run-scoring.

Simon takes up the pipe and slippers of retirement in the 12th over having reached the pre-agreed limit of 50, but at drinks, halfway through our 30 overs, Hackney are a healthy 136-1 and Islington seem less a pride and more an embarrassment of Lions. The only star performer for the opposition thus far has been Brenda, who made a couple of brave stops and was particularly impressive at leaping over the fence to retrieve the ball.

Kieran blasts a couple of mighty 6s after drinks and retires.  The opposition by now have turned to the more eclectic of their bowling options.  One end sees Henn with the archetypal spasmodically-jerking octopus-falling-from-a-tree off a three-step “run” in.  At the other it’s less frog-in-a-blender and more Brenda in a fog, that fog being primarily a cloud of uncertainty about the legality of her action.  But any danger, such as it is, is primarily to pride and Billy has to suck that up, bowled by the rightly-feared double-bouncing straight one. A few overs later the Archivist contrives to pick out a fielder with a mow to mid-wicket and while the run rate remains healthy at 182-3 we have 8 overs left and a collapse now would see us in trouble.

David in at 6, is joined by Manny.  And this seems like a good point to delve into the archives and peruse their respective batting statistics.  I’m sure they won’t mind.  Well they might, but what the hell I say.  

Before today David had batted 11 times scoring 171 with an average of 10.90. Meanwhile in 24 appearances Manny had batted 14 times scoring 56 runs at an average of 6.38, his top score of 18 for the Umpires coming in his first ever innings against the fearsome GB Strikers, mainly, if memory serves, comprised of edges down to third man.

So, let’s face it, about as much pedigree as a tin of dog food.  

After a couple of nervy looking singles they convene between overs in the middle.  Standing behind the stumps umpiring it was hard to hear exactly what was being discussed.  But I fancy Manny was saying something like:

We’re never gonna survive, unless:

We get a little crazy

No, we’re never gonna survive, unless:

We get a little cra-eyah-eyah-eyah-zy

What followed was one of the most joyous, exuberant and exciting passages of play that I have witnessed for the Hackney Umpires.  This was, genuinely, batting that would empty the bars, if of course the pavilion at Wray Crescent was able to stretch to a bar, or indeed Wray Crescent was able to stretch to a pavilion that had not been condemned as a dangerous structure.

I know what you’re thinking. When I suggest this was ‘empty-the-bar batting’ it’s as in the bouncers at Clapham Infernos dragging you off with your trousers round your ankles because you’ve just vomited Jaeger Bomb residue down your Ben Sherman shirt.  This might ring a few bells with those who have seen Manny’s batting over the years, but you couldn’t be more wrong: this was an innings to stir the emotions with no little skill and heart along the way.  Yes, there were the odd ugly swipes here and there, what night at Clapham Infernos doesn’t have that? But there were times on that Wray Crescent dancefloor when Manny’s footwork shone as brightly as any batting the Umpires have seen.  The ramp played it’s part, of course it did: the feint to leg, the switch of grip, the ball sailing down to fine leg. But it wasn’t just the unorthodox.  There were at least two beautifully straight (lofted yes, but that was only to get over the top of the grass) full-bloodied drives, middled and timed to absolute perfection.

At the other end David played his supporting role with no less skill and selflessness.  In pursuit of the maximum team score either could have tried to farm the strike to get to 50 or indeed held back on the running between the wickets to avoid being out.  But no, with wickets in hand, this was positive batting for the team cause.  Manny’s 44 not out takes him to exactly 100 career runs for the Umpires and a new improved average of 11.88.  David’s unbeaten 41 gets him to an average of 15.00.  And in 8 overs between them they hit 78 runs including 12 fours seeing us to a breathless 260-3, matching our highest total achieved in our last innings against Kent Ramblas in 5 fewer overs.  Pick the bones out of that Lions.

What is the saying about a cornered lion though? Or is a tiger?  Some kind of big cat anyway right?  Although the outfield is slow, the boundaries are short and in village cricket, even urban-village cricket, it only takes one stout yeoman to get his eye in, the ball disappearing to all corners and the wheels can come off pretty fast.  

Our youthful opening bowling pair: Billy and, new recruit Michael Brown, have the Islington openers hopping around from the start of their reply.  Michael was very unlucky, several times finding the inside edge.  Billy strikes in the 7th over, getting some bounce, nipping the glove, and a good take by stand-in keeper Simon.  Manny meanwhile can’t stay out of the game with some excellent fielding, and he then bowls the other opener.  Somehow the Lions keep going and make it to drinks without further losses, and at the final interval the game remains alive with Islington 120-2 and wickets in reserve.  

The run rate though was creeping ominously up to over 9 an over. So there’s pressure on the batting side.  David Dawkins takes the first over after drinks: it’s a maiden and the run rate is now exactly 10.  Brilliant bowling by David, which gets its reward the very first ball of the next over, as slow-left-arm snaffles their top scoring batsman for 47, caught in the slips by the ever reliable hands of Anthony.

And if we were favourites up to that point we dominated after that.  Any time Kieran only bowls 2 overs means we’ve either done very well or very badly.  There was some excellent fielding along the way from Michael and from Kannan, while Billy was fizzing the ball unerringly over the stumps from the deep.  We also had a few moments of high comedy, perhaps as we started to get a bit tired.  

David takes a wicket in his final over and his 6 overs 1 for 24 in a high scoring game made a big difference.  Michael also returned for a second spell deservedly getting a wicket, Manny, inevitably, taking the catch. The opposition tail-enders seemed intent on playing out the overs, but this became a procession long before the end with Islington eventually 71 runs adrift on 189-6.

5 matches completed in 2018.  3 wins, a draw and a loss (and we should never ever have lost that one either).  With one fixture remaining this was a confidence-boosting victory against fun opposition.  With all due respect to the opposition (and I acknowledge starting a sentence ‘with all due respect’ is usually the precursor to the exact opposite) but with all due respect bla bla bla we made them look pretty rubbish at times, and occasionally they did it to themselves without our help.  We will need to up our game against London Fields on Sunday.

Despite his injury Anthony stuck it out and confidently steered us to a 5th victory in 11 games as skipper.  Michael had a great debut performing brilliantly in the field.  Kieran and Simon were way above anything Islington had to offer in terms of batting quality.  But the true performances of the day were David with bat and ball and Manny with just about everything he did, edging David out for the man of the match award.

HUCC 260-3 (S Griffin 51*; K Kumaria50*; M Hawks 44*; D Dawkins 41*)

Islington Lions 189-6 (M O’Brien 2/50; D Dawkins 1/24)

Hackney Umpires win by 71 runs.  Man of the match Manny 'Crazy' Hawks.    

Up the Umpires!

[hucc]

HUCC v Kent Ramblas Sunday 8th July; West Wickham

Match report by MK O’Brien, Chief Archivist

Batting first on a baking Kentish afternoon the Hackney Umpires set an imposing total of 260-4, leaving Kent Ramblas needing (approximately) 7.46 runs an over to win.  To say we felt confident is to underestimate the psychological impact of our results over the last 9 years.  But it did seem like a lot of runs, and, when our opening bowler, 14 year old Billy O’Brien, took a hat-trick to leave the opposition reeling at 16-3, I think we were feeling pretty good about our chances.

But, despite our incredible start, left-handed batsmen H. Hardy-King was on a one-man mission to flay anything short over the boundary (yes that includes Manny).  And over the course of the next hour, with runs leaking and fielders flagging, a game that was, to coin a phrase, unlosenable, was beginning to seem as if it could only go the other way.  After 16 overs Kent Ramblas required a shade over 100 runs with wickets in hand, and a run rate that had slumped like an overheated fielder to below 6 an over.

Talking of shade, we had been reduced to a field setting that involved everyone except the bowler and wicketkeeper circling the boundary trying to gain respite with anything that blocked out the relentless beams from the star at the centre of our solar system. It was hot.

I can’t tell you what I was doing when I was 14.  Mainly because such confessions would seriously undermine any remaining shreds of moral authority I am clinging on to at home.   I can however say that I loved cricket, spending many happy hours re-enacting unlikely draws heroically salvaged for the test team (in the 80s salvaging a draw was the height of optimism even for an unrealistic teenager). Yet despite this formidable track record of imaginary 80s test cricket, it was inconceivable that, midway through an actual game of cricket, the skipper would summon me from the boundary to bowl a second spell in the hope I could wrestle back control of a game with the wheels falling off our fielding effort.

It was however at precisely this point, with runs evaporating away in the summer haze like self-interested Brexit bigots hearing the phrase ‘collective responsibility’, that Anthony had seen enough and summoned his colt from the deep for a second spell of bowling.  Warhorse Matt Benthall at the other end was using his Kentish guile to good effect, and together Billy and Matt gained a little control, but with Hardy-Perennial on 113 from just 55 balls something had to happen.

Albert Camus was perhaps the most resilient philosopher of the 20th century, winning the Existentialist Table Tennis championships an unprecedented three years in a row, and it was Camus who said ‘in the depths of winter I suddenly learned there is an invincible summer within me’.  In the unyielding rays of our endless summer it was not so much the heat, more the lack of cold, that was the issue.

As he stepped forward to bowl the last of his 7 allotted overs any of us would have understood if the temperature had sapped young Billy’s determination.  But from somewhere he found the ice in his veins to bowl out a cool maiden and end with figures of 7 overs, 3 wickets for 39.   Matt Benthall then completed a sequence of 9 consecutive dot balls before finally bursting through the big lefty’s laboured defence, ending a stand of 90 runs in 8 punishing overs. And at last, with this window of opportunity opened, a cool breeze of hope revitalised the team. 

Matt’s next ball goes straight through bat and pad carrying the off bail with it to leave a bemused batsman stranded in its wake.  Suddenly the hunted become the hunters, and we circle the next man in like vultures over a carcass.  Another of Matt’s unexpectedly quicker balls is too much for the batsman and bounces into his pads.  The vultures squawk mightily, the hyenas gargle a barking cackle, the batsman stands inert like a luckless wildebeest.  We all turn to gauge the reaction of the umpire. Even the wildebeest’s gruesome cadaver seems to loll his direction in the vague breeze wafting lightly over the West Wickham savannah. The arbiter of the laws of the game stands resolutely, as stationary as the cupboard of pens and paperclips in my illiterate office. Yet imperceptibly at first, this motionless pose slowly unravels itself decisively into the fickle finger of arbitration: he’s given it. A second hat-trick of the day and surely this time the Ramblas can’t come back. In the blink of an eye 90 needed off 15 overs with 6 wickets in-hand has become 90 needed off 13 overs and just 3 wickets left.

Of course there was quite a lot more that happened before and after all that.  But I need to interrupt this match report with a statement on behalf of the Department of Archives and Associated Services.

~~~~~STATEMENT ON BEHALF OF THE DEPARTMENT OF ARCHIVES AND ASSOCIATED SERVICES~~~~~

The Archives would like to apologise unreservedly for a number of the comments in the last match report (24th June 2018 v Glory Gardens CC).  The Archives would also like to state that the views expressed in that report in no way represent the views of the Department (even though the report was written by the Head of Archives).

In particular the Archives expresses great regret in relation to the entirely inadvertent acronym resulting from the innocent phrase: Catch an Umpire has Not Taken.  Clearly there was no suggestion at all that David Dawkins was one of the biggest, erm, anyway look we weren’t suggesting anything like that.  The point is however there was inevitably some trepidation from a match-report perspective when fairly early in his innings left-hander Laureland-Hardy lofted the ball high into the Kentish sky and we watched David squinting into the sun trying to make out a smaller redder spherical object and right the wrongs of the previous game.  That he didn’t take it is incidental. I say let he among us who has not utterly misjudged two consecutive possible catches in the deep attempt to throw the first stone at this particular greenhouse.  The Archives would like to make it perfectly clear that it was an error of judgement to judge David’s error of judgement so erroneously, and this is not a mistake we are likely to make again. So, in recognition of this, we have reworked this particular acronym as:

Drops (you) Inadvertently Can't Keep Hold of Easy And Difficult.  

Almost inevitably, if there was to be a DICKHEAD on the field of play…. oh, hang on I’m still not sure this is quite right.

On a separate matter, the Archives would also like to make it clear that Mr J Lewis BA (Hons) has no interest whatsoever in the television programme Love Island, and we are pleased to note he would never stoop so low as to participate in this lowest form of entertainment offered on the technology invented by John Logie Baird. He certainly hasn’t, as far as the Archives is aware, been turned down by the producers from appearing on a number of occasions on the grounds that his six pack was a bit too rubbish. We apologise unreservedly for any suggestion to that effect in the last match report. Jack has of course always been entirely loyal to the Celebrity Love Island format and is very hopeful that Georgia ‘Toff’ Toffolo is going to complete the celebrity reality double.

~~~~~STATEMENT ENDS

Yeah so where was I? Had I mentioned it was hot?  It was.  Having lost a bit of the thread of what happened, here are a few highlights, in rough time order for those that prefer a more traditional match report sequence (the Archives would like to point out that this in no way refers to the reading preferences of Mr J Lewis who as far as we know is very comfortable with non-linear narratives, especially, but not exclusively, if Georgia ‘Toff’ Toffolo is involved).

After a watchful start Anthony cut loose from the 10th over onwards and top scored with 78 runs including 14 fours and a 6

Having been bowled he then had to go and have a lie down in the changing room in an effort to recover as many senses as possible

David D joined in the fun with a 6 of his own (constructed from a 2 and 4 overthrows) before being ‘adjudged’ caught behind and we had to remove him from the crease in a straightjacket while foaming at the eyes.

Man of Kent (or Kentish Man I don’t know) Matt Benthall answered the call for a hard-hitting  left-handed batsman coming in with 9 overs to go to muller 69 runs including 3 sixes

Dave Fawbert’s first 50 for the Umpires: Dave timed the ball beautifully throughout, first rotating the strike in an opening stand of 137 to allow Anthony to hit boundaries, and then going through the gears to reach his landmark with a 3 that included 2 additional runs for overthrows.

In the Kent Ramblas’ match report, yes whatever it came out 24 hours before this one it’s not a competition I am so totally not bothered, so yeah in that, Dave is transformed into Fanbolt.  So good. Fanbolt is of course a bit like Usain Bolt only a lot slower (which was why Dave was run out) and his celebration wasn’t quite as iconic: more a sheepish bat waggle having double checked why we were cheering.  Come on Fanbolt: up the game on the celebrations, do you not even play Fortnite man?

Yeah so that more or less covers the batting bit.  As for the bowling, right at the start of this report there is a reference to a Billy O’Brien hat-trick which could do with a bit of expansion:

Third over of the innings. Two singles from the first two balls then:

1.       Inswinging yorker to dispatch dangerous looking bearded type

2.       Manny takes a sharp catch at head height

3.       We wait patiently for the no.4 to slowly mark out a series of hieroglyphs in the Kentish dust (he may have been spelling out ‘Help’) he then gets a slightly shorter ball, pops it up to shortish mid wicket, Matt Benthall takes a tumbling catch and it’s 16-3. Big celebrations.  Easy game this cricket, see you at the bar in about 30 minutes?

Harry meanwhile opened the bowling at the other end and sent down some testing deliveries without luck.

While the left-handed partnership of 90 in 8 overs was raining down cricket balls across West Wickham Dom Alexander seemed to attract the ball where-ever he went using his shins as fearlessly to stop boundaries as he had been earlier with his finger to adjudicate in the case of Dawkins Vs Thin Edge to Wicket Keeper.

Matt ‘Barney’ Smerdon in his last appearance of the summer kept wicket bravely and energetically and included his own tribute to Terry Butcher with a bloodied but unbowed look (for the younger generation if I can get Tumblr to work, which I can’t, I will add the relevant photo).

Finally, a combination of spin at both ends followed Matt B’s hat-trick and saw us home as the batsmen struggled to get the ball away and the life ebbed out of the Ramblas innings.

It was a game that went one way and then the other before we finally took control, despite this it was played in a good spirit by two evenly matched and both fairly randomly distributed sides.  The Archives would like to pay tribute to the opposition in particular for their immaculate scoring, the best I have seen on a Sunday friendly, and fair dos they won the match report battle.

Thus concludes our 50th fixture: 15 wins, 8 draws, 1 tie and 26 losses doesn’t sound that impressive but 5 wins in the last 12 games shows real progress.  Up the Umpires!

HUCC 260-4 (A Pearce 78; M Benthall 69*; D Fanbolt 51)

Kent Ramblas 215-10 (H Hardy-King 113; B O’Brien 3/39; M Benthall 3/35)

HUCC Man of the Match Matt Benthall

HUCC Partnership of the day: Matt Benthall and his bat. Loving caressed after every stroke this was no mere piece of wood, no simple tool. This was a friend of English Willow, a companion to rub linseed oil into over those long winter nights, a true companion to share a lifetime with. One man and his bat.  

[hucc]

HUCC v Glory Gardens CC  Sunday24 June 2018 London Fields

Match report by the Head Archivist MK O’Brien

In the post-match glow of England thrashing Panama on Sunday the people of Hackney took to the park to fuel their unrealistic world cup expectations and spread out across London Fields like a picnic-based pitch invasion.  But, by 4pm two cricket teams have just about assembled and, while the captains agree a shortened format (T20, retire at 50 and max 4 overs per bowler), the rest of us fan out to clear the pitch.  

Those of you who played at Wray Crescent back in the day will recall the hostage negotiations that used to take place, sample conversation:

Representative from the HUCC Archives: Excuse me?  Er hello?  Oh hi yes we have erm, well erm booked this pitch so do you think, I mean obviously if you’re close to finishing that would be..

Footballer: Fuck off

Times have obviously changed as the good people of London Fields retreated in miraculous waves before us.  Back in the Wray Crescent days we were a rag tag bunch of occasional cricketers a far cry from the elite squad that had won 3 of its last 6 games, so perhaps that was it. Talking of rag tag bunches, the Glory Gardens Cricket Club were a new team, and even at 4pm are a bit short on numbers, but apparently people are on their way, so we provide substitute fielders to help ensure everything evens out.  

Game on! Allow me to report on what happened.  Having missed the first couple of games I have come to rely on the match report as a means of staying in contact with team performances and  getting behind the scorecard to really understand what went on.  In a sense the narrator is hidden, he may take part in the action, but the fingers tapping away on the keyboard are unseen, communicating ideally concisely (!), ideally soon afterwards (!!), the action that has just unfolded.

Yeah so that's what I was thinking just now, wondering what to write, idly scratching my bollocks sat on the train on the way back from the match.

I thought: no unnecessary diversions, stick to the point;

I thought: I need to rein back on the nonsense, strip the narrative down to fundamentals: like Rene Descartes' cogitations, the successful report is not the sum of its parts, it just is what it is.

...and then I thought: why are my testicles so freaking itchy, I knew I shouldn't have used the spare box in the massive team bag of crap equipment. If only there had been a Sports Direct with a sale on.

Which reminds me that another thing the match report can do (yes be sent out quickly, yes yes no unnecessary circumlocutions or otherwise meandering non-essential diversions and so on and so forth....) it should also build the narrative of the club, weave further layers of pattern into the tapestry of games we may have actually stopped playing, but in a very real sense never really ended, certainly in terms of the scars (physical: Jim Grice; mental: everybody).

And while I’m on this, one thing the opposition really could have done with is their own crap bag of equipment filled with Sports Direct rejects for all the faffing about borrowing pads and bats and linseed oil and Victoria Sponge Cake.  Come on lads bring your own. I mean if you’re going to beat us at least don’t score the winning runs with one of our bats.

Another characteristic of the successful match report: keep the suspense going all the way until the final reveal in the last paragraph. That way your readers will stick with it to the end. Let's face it, I've already lost Jack by mentioning Rene Descartes, no way is he reading about that crap (wait, unless, is Rene Descartes that one out of Love Island? Now I'm interested, oh she isn't, he's the instigator of modern western philosophy, ok bye then. I mean I could carry on with this pretend dialogue with Jack indefinitely, as has been established it's not like he's actually going to read any of it, so I feel a degree of narrative freedom…  Jack, tell us about the 24 runs of just 12 balls.  Pretty amazing strike rate?  Oh sorry wait that was your bowling figures. Yeah easy mistake to make.

Ahem. As I was saying keep the reader interested all the way to the end. But it may be too late for that or was it, dear reader, or was it because...

Hmmm. Where was I?  Did I do the bit about not fannying about, ‘cos there was a lot of that at the start of the game. OK fine I get it, there’s only so much pretending to work you can do, and I should get on with the report of the match bit of the match report.  That’s fine and am even now as we speak (I say we it's just me isn't it) I am rebuilding the 4th wall of the match report after addressing you directly for one last time: yes hello chaps, this is what actually happened…

Anthony wins the toss and we bat first.  Two Lamberts open the bowling for the Glory Gardens.  No sign of the butler (this is an 80s fag reference) (ok they were quite posh so let’s not say ‘fag’ as it could be misconstrued: cigarettes, Lambert & Butler cigarettes, ok forget it).

Anthony gets to work punishing two loose balls in what looks a rusty opening over by Lambert jnr.  Then the last ball hits a dead spot on about a length and Anthony plays on for a rare low score.  8 for 1 in the first over.

But our batting has depth and Kieran is in next.  The resulting second wicket partnership with Jack makes batting look almost easy, as they hit 53 runs between them. We are absolutely cruising in the 8th over with the opposition change bowlers serving up utter filth.  Jack, looking to put the rubbish in the pool, smacks 2 fours in a row followed by two wides and then with the Gunslinger swinging at everything he is bowled and we are 61-2.

Ol having scored 1 then manages to reach what would surely have been a legside wide with a one-handed sweep that lobs up gently to the wicket keeper.  

David Dawkins dropped down the order from usual opening duties watches Kieran hit a series of crunching fours.  We go into drinks at a healthy feeling 86-3.

Despite being part of 18 run partnership David is then bowled for a golden duck. [note to the editor of the 2017 Year Book, see entry for D Dawkins: “David is now the current holder of the ‘most completed innings without a duck’ award *commentators curse nuclear warning siren*.”     I suppose you think that’s funny].

Harry Richardson, ever present so far in 2018, helps Kieran along to his 50 where he can bask in the glow of retirement watching the tail wag furiously.  Or not perhaps as next in Dom is run out by his brother and marches off muttering darkly about Harry walking home.

Harry is then bowled in the 15th over and we’re 114-6, and two overs later the opposition wicket keeper snaffles two edges in a row: Barney Smerdon for 1 and Manny Barrilow Hawks (can’t smile without you, no I…)  first ball for 0.  The score is now an increasingly dodgy 120-8 from 17 overs.

Kannan sees out the hattrick ball with a defensive stroke so utterly solid that even were the So Solid Crew to bowl at him solidly for a week singing the Ashford & Simpson classic ‘Solid As A Rock’ they would still fail to pass the immutable granite resistance of Kannan’s forward defensive.  The Archivist meanwhile is comprehensively bowled and Kieran returns to hit a few more.  From a high of 107-4 after 12 overs our innings has fallen away somewhat to 136-9. It is on the low side, but we have a good team, we know how hard it is to chase a total, especially if you’re not really a proper cricket team, so we back our bowlers.  

And what bowlers to start with. Ol Thompson at one end and Kieran Kumaria at the other.  Since the 26th June 2011 Ol's run up has been a vital cog in our machine.  In many respects it puts me in mind of a water buffalo careering across the plains of the Serengeti.  He won't mind me saying this.  Well he might.  It's always a good test of whether people actually read this or not.  Kieran for example glides into his delivery stride like a big cat: speed, agility and deadly intent.  Ol's charge is more stampede, a bullocking run.  But hey, look at the list of deadliest animals in Africa and water buffalo is right there at no 1 in the all-time killer list.  Plus best mozzarella.  And Ol gets a pizza the action when the opener in the first over lobs him to Jack in the covers for an easy catch and Ol’s 72nd wicket for the Umpires.  

The other opener, big lad, the wicket keeper, seems a bit keener to hang around, and together with Lambert jnr a partnership takes shape. From 19-1 after 4 overs the wheels come off our bowling a bit and 6 overs later at drinks they have scored a further 71 runs to reach 90.

David Dawkins breaks the partnership via a series of increasingly improbably deliveries that result in the big gloveman skying the ball high into the London Fields air.  Anthony is underneath it.  He waits.  He steadies himself.  He falls backwards.  He never once takes his eyes off the ball and watches it into his hands.  The crowd cheer.  They literally do.  Maybe they are on our side.  Perhaps they all want us to win.  We are the home team after all.

So drinks are taken after 10 overs and it’s 90-2.  47 are needed by Glory Gardens off the final 10.  We need wickets if we’re going to stop this happening.  Harry strikes straightway.  Not sure Dom had forgiven him but he caught it at deep midwicket anyway as team goals outweigh any petty personal disputes (well, I say that…)

Anthony, sensing opportunity, brings his strike bowlers back.  Kieran repays him with two in two, both bowled 108-5 in the 12th.  Ol then gets Lambert snr to sky one high to long on. David Dawkins is under it.  He moves towards the ball.  He steadies himself.  He never once takes his eyes off the ball.... and watches it sail over his head, one bounce for four.

It happens.  It was simply a Catch an Umpire has Not Taken.  There have of course been many C.U.N.T.s on the field of play over the years, but perhaps none quite as massive as…woah there too far. I’d like to apologise on behalf of the Archives if that went too far (it may have done).  We have all had a bad game, in fact I’m not suggesting that David had a bad game, although a duck, one over for 15 and a misjudged catch might give that impression, but he is a fine player for the Umpires and, look let’s just move on shall we.

Over 16 to be bowled by Manny.  It’s 120-5, they need 17 from 5 overs. Manny hits the batsman’s pads.  Big appeal.  It looks very LBW-y.  The umpire gives it. Manny gives a big celebration, a cross between a static Tardelli from the 1990 World Cup and the Hulk.  Really quite scary.  Next ball it happens again, pretty much every detail the same, this time ringer no.1 pulled from the London Fields crowd (hey I thought they were on our side?) tropical shirt wearing Nedge Alomes.  That is what it says in the scorebook and who are we to say he was not called Nedge Alomes. 

Lambert jnr reaches his 50 and retires.  All of this changing of batsmen raised intriguing questions about how many the opposition actually had.  Would for example the fielder in blue dungarees who made an excellent stop on the boundary be coming in?  No apparently she was a substitute fielder and ineligible. Ringer no.2 from the park, Johnny Bairstow, did however appear to be eligible. Lambert snr meanwhile who had been reprieved and looked dangerous (although that could just be the cap-shorts combination) is then caught by Anthony.  

Somehow this game has got to 125-8 with 4 overs to go. We want 2 wickets they need 12 runs to win.

Bairstow bides his time then hits two boundaries off left arm filth to leave the score tied.

Bairstow and Ringer no.3 ‘England-shirt’ then scamper through in Manny’s next over for the single to win the game.  Some of the crowd are on the pitch (to be honest that kept happening throughout, I don’t think they thought it was all over they were just pissed) Kieran in the covers swoops and, with a direct hit IT IS OUT.  England-shirt, run out for 0.  Surely not.  Surely not!  Can we do this?  Lambert jnr returns.  It’s the final Glory Garden partnership. Improbably Manny completes the maiden (all the more improbably since the umpire signalled wide at least once in the over, which would have won the game but was told by the scorer: no wide).

Left arm filth to bowl the penultimate over.  The scores are tied.  The instructions are the wider the better.  Never mind the quality feel the width.  Improbably the first two are straight but pushed to fielders.  The third ball Lambert jnr takes two steps, he swings the bat….

…fuck it, it went for 4.  This is sport, sometimes you have to just suck it up.  We lost.  We lost to 8 randoms, aided and abetted by our own players and the crème de menthe of post Ingerland/Panama park dwellers. We also lost maybe because we didn’t score enough runs, or gave up too many in the field or something like that (stop me if I’m getting to technical in this post match analysis).  We were a bit pissed off, yes they were a bit annoying at times with the faffing around with boxes and pads and wotnot and by getting every advantage they could by asking for things.  Outrageous!  And that baggy hat was quite irritating. But they did - twice -  turn down the chance to win off a wide when the scores were tied with one wicket remaining, and I salute the Glory Gardens for that.  And they beat us so (Panama reference alert) hats off to them. No really do take that hat off.  

There were two stand out performances:

For the opposition Lambert jnr who bowled 4 overs 1 maiden 3 for 24 and then scored 54 not out.

For us Kieran was outstanding, 4 overs 2 wickets for 27; a stunning run out; and 63 not out.  And then to finish on the losing side seems unfair.  Not only that, but to also have the ball thrown at his head by your correspondent while he wasn’t looking  (although I would point out that the two wickets came shortly after that so you know it was potentially one of my more successful deliveries).

HUCC 136-9 K Kumaria 63* J Lewis 24 Lambert jnr 3/24

Glory Gardens 139-9 Lambert jnr 54 M Hawks 3/29

Hackney Umpire MoM: Kieran Kumaria 

[hucc]

HUCC v Occasional Casuals Saturday 9th June 2018 Hamstead Heath

Match report by Himalayan Correspondent Nick Taylor

Curry goat cricket anyone?

Curry goat cricket: West Indian term for a friendly, low stakes game in which the food to be consumed off field, is more important than the result on it. A curry goat match is the Windies' equivalent to the English Beer match

The occasional casuals as I had been warned felt that cricket was an excuse to have a ‘few’ beers whilst playing a friendly game of cricket with their pals. Notorious for their kit bags being the orange Sainsbury’s variety with the contents of a six pack and a box. The last two encounters had been close affairs a tie and a victory, the sun was out we were playing in civilisation not rural England it was going to be fun, even if we had to resort to potentially approaching it as if were time for curried goat.

Spurred by the three victories in 2017 and a frustrating draw first up in 2018, enthusiasm was high.  Ol coming back from a year out called an early arrival for some apparently needed practice to blow of the cob webs. The outcome was seven Umprires arriving at least 30 mins before the agreed time. Unheard of. It also transpired that Matt and Gary organised had a private tuition session during the week. Not that practice had ever done us any good!?!

The squad was a mix of old and new, we had the welcome return of the official original Umpire, indeed Rob is squad No.1. The team looked a strong bowling outfit this week Ol, Manny, Jack, Simon, the new kid on the block Harry, the old kid that was a chip off the old block, Gary Aubin, we were looking solid with the ball.

Matt presented Anthony with the match ball, ball was a generous description, it must have been stitched my an arthritic blind man, square more than egg shape. We offered up a 30 over ball as the next best thing. 

Anthony won the toss and as is skip’s common custom we opted to bat first.  The skipper of the casuals would have also opted to field first as they celebrated the fact that they would rather have a second innings that leant itself to boozing rather that fielding. It appeared their skipper had lubricated himself already. Anthony and Dave open, 35 overs a piece, we are off.

Manny and I officiated until drinks, it was a steady start letting their most economical and dangerous bowler, who ended with 7 overs no wickets for 14, do his thing. After 10 overs we 35 without loss. By drinks Anthony had clubbed a few to the boundary and indeed brought up another well deserved 50 just before the break, by which point without loss we were 85 after 17. 

Drinks in this game did mean drinks and an extended break saw the Casuals open a variety of beverages, the World Cup branded Kronenberg was a favourite. They are however seasoned professionals and a few cold ones may indeed help, much like a game of pool always need a few before the shots come off. With the Hampstead Heath buzz from the cafe and the sun beaming down Harry and I decided to follow suit, by the looks of things were weren’t getting a bat today and a Corona doesnt really count. Does it?

Anthony was ably abetted by Dave who in his own mould saw off the good and played the bad, another opening umpire innings eventually culminating in his second highest total for the umps. We need an archivist adjudication.

Anthony was looking, and by his own admission feeling good and as the Parliament Hill spectators settled through the gates and onto the boundary (in the pub at the end of the game they turned out to be the self appointed HUCC Ultras) skip holed out in the deep for 64. One follows two as is so oft the case and Dave was bowled for 28. Well played. We were 100 odd for 2.

Simon got a good one bowled and Rob came in to shore up an end whilst Jack came in on a mission to connect with what ever he threw his bat at. Rob slightly unfortunate to test the arm of one of their more able fielders who hadn’t touched a drop by the look of it, as it came in rather fast and accurate from just past square leg umpire to be run out. Jack burned out taking 20 off about 10 balls with 4 boundaries, bowled.

Ol was in next with what looked like virgin new pads, bought last season just before the injury and not had much of a run out. They took him and us to the end of the innings 11 not out, with your reporter frantically running with Ol to get us to 162 for 5.

Tea was a rather liquid affair for the opposition but they did provide several filled to the brim bread bags full of various interesting sandwiches, some pork pies and home made brownies. No curried goat.

As ever the slip cordon of doom assembled for catching practice as a warm up with Matt getting his hands warm and ready for action, and there was a lot of action behind the stumps to come. 

Ol opened up and considering he hadn’t turned his arm apart from earlier in the net warm up was metronomic from the off starting with a couple of maidens. Supported by Si at the other end. Ol had new wheels for the season and they were warming up nicely. Manny came on first change and after a bout of self deprecation for a couple of wides, his tracking was back and on the money.

We kept it tight in the field as a unit and they crept to an almost equivalent score to ours at the same point, after 9 overs they 32 without loss.

Then the tide started to turn and more chances came, a tough chance to Matt driving to his right behind the stumps. Matt had been practicing in the week and just needed another chance. Ol got their opener first, bowled. Manny then took their third man for a duck caught behind off the edge to Matt. You could tell behind Matt’s grill there was hunger for more and more there was.  

Ol bowled their second opener and then not wanted to turn the gas off his new wheels Anthony kept him on to bowl through. 7 overs 2 for 13, nee bad sir.

Harry came on after Ol having bowled a few in the first game, started very strongly on a pitch that was quite hard to get any variation he managed to make one rear up into their very competent looking number four and off the splice it looped to Matt well bowled Harry victim number two for Matt. He could taste blood. 4 down for 50 in the 16th.

Manny carried on and was causing all sorts of issues and chances came nearly every ball. Their middle order batsman swinging away not sure whether in frustration or lubrication but Manny spotted it and next ball fuller, straight, bowled. 61 for 5

Jack was next up and a few smiles and warm drunken words had already been exchanged between their captain who was looking very rosey red from sun and Kronenberg. We asked him when we saw Jack coming in next whether he wanted a lid and he said well only if he’s going to bowl beamers, we repeated do you want a lid?

Sure enough next ball he only just managed to duck out of the way, a few choice slurred words came back at us behind the stumps, we were only concerned for his welfare and that we weren’t confident he could weave out the way. He stuck around for a bit until Jack caught his leading edge and boom another for Matt behind. Jack then bowled another beaut wrapped a guys toes plumb in front. Their score book went a bit wobbly towards the end when i think they had lost a bit of interest or the use of their hands to write. They were 80-odd for 7. 

Jack then got his third with a super forward driving caught with the assistance of forearms, stomach, legs and the chin of Manny. Would have gone upstairs but we all saw close in that it hadn’t touched the floor and the batsman walked.

Anthony then turned to his seasoned professional who had been practicing with Matt in the week. It game plan time. A brief word between the two and they trot back to their positions. Plan. Execute. Reward. Garry ‘I love you Dad’ Aubin comes steaming in, lands one truly in the right spot, makes the batsman play, finds the edge we all go up in unison. 1st ball, boom Gary has a wicket and Matt has 4 for the match. Practice will now become compulsory.

We wrap it up next over with a few looseners from your reporter and then one that is straight to the either drunk or non cricketer at number 11 who lets it hit the wicket. All out for 98.

It wasn’t a curry goat game but there was plenty of good humoured cricket and beer. I wouldn’t say we won because they was pissed but it helped.

Unbeaten 2018.

Anthony 64

Jack 3/11 

Hackney Umpire Man of the Match: Jack Lewis

Up the Umpires!

[hucc]

HUCC v Ightham Sunday 20th May 2018 Ightham (Kent)

Match report by Manny “The Hawk” Hawks

Cricket. Bloody hell.

As anyone who has played for, against, or in spite of the Umpires will know we are not renowned for our run chases. Setting about 155-160 and defending it? That we can do. Chasing similar? Not so much. So with two overs left, two wickets remaining and only six to get it’s fair to say we were in unchartered territory. Probably not the time for me to be walking to the crease to face an angry man from Kent.

From the above you can probably gather we lost the toss. A decent looking Umpires side had suffered the late withdrawal of David Dawkins simultaneously denying us a solid batsman and bowler but Ightham claimed to be fielding a weakened side so in theory we should be alright. Opening maidens from Simon Griffin and Matt Veal troubled the openers before Simon bowled Tom Bentall for 0 off an inside edge. Matt Veal backed this up in the next over removing Andrews for a scratchy 2, again clean bowled, leaving our hosts 18-2.

The definition of “weakened side” clearly varies from county to county. Our first trip to Ightham back in 2016 had seen our bowling put to the sword by Pete Fryer aka Julian Assange. Once again free of the Ecuadorian Embassy he joined home skipper Jerry Bentall at the crease and began the rebuilding job. I replaced Matt Veal as Simon continued to trouble both batsmen with pace and bounce. Scoring was slow but consistent with everyone’s favourite online whistle blower the more aggressive of the two. Chances were few and far between with the odd ball falling into a gap as the field spread.

Just before drinks Umpires debutant Harry Richardson relieved Simon who’d gone for just 14 off his 8 overs. Harry bowled tidily enough but Fryer had decided he wanted to better his 56 from our last meeting and started hitting a few lustier blows. Anthony introduced himself into the attack and nearly had Fryer twice in two balls. The second was a very tough caught and bowled chance. Having been brought in specifically to short cover the ball before I’d shelled the first one. Sorry Skip. The next over Jerry Bentall decided he’d had enough and departed retired out for 25. Some relief at last perhaps?

Actually it was time for Assange Jr. to make his way to the crease leaving me with the dilemma of what to bowl to a small boy whilst still being able to hold down a job working with children. I really needn’t have worried based on the deft dab down to third man off the one ball I bowled to him. He followed this up with an edge off Anthony that was just wide of point before the skipper dislodged his father for 91 thanks to an excellent catch by Matt Veal at slip. Matt then inflicted further misery on the Assange dynasty taking a neat caught and bowled to dismiss Junior for 6. We were well and truly back in the game and Matt completed an excellent second spell with the ball clean bowling Smith for 1. Shortly afterwards Matt Smerdon took a sharp chance off Anthony’s bowling to remove Mike Fenton for 7 and with that the home side declared on 165-7.

A classic cricket tea (there was Battenberg) set the tone for a classic run chase. 166 was definitely doable with the batting line up present and Anthony opened up with Dave who had looked confident in the Winter Development Programme (plastic pitch at Millfields on Wednesday) adding a flirty cut shot to the famous ‘Fawbert leave’. Anthony crashed the first ball of Tom Bentall’s opening spell for four and the chase was on. Tim Bentall was tighter from the other end but the openers bedded in nicely looking fairly untroubled by the bowling they faced until Dave nibbled at an away swinger from Tom Bentall to depart for 7.

Simon’s performance in his last outing against Ightham saw him promoted to no.3 and he quickly settled in to the task of putting away the bad ball as he pushed the score along nicely with Anthony after a testing start. Matt Bentall replaced Tom entering into an interesting battle between bat and ball with both men exchanging pleasantries on occasion. Maybe the Battenberg was sitting a bit heavy. Maybe Matt’s carom ball (this year’s snazzy new addition) wasn’t coming out right. Maybe Matt knew Simon was from Surrey. Either way it made for exciting cricket. At the other end Anthony had compiled a fluent 35 before spooning a catch behind off Tim Bentall and Matt Veal entered the fray with runs on the board, wickets in hand and overs left to bat. Matt’s batting was ideal for this situation; technically correct but aggressive when needed. He started well racing along to 14 getting some joy from the unique bowling of Josh Brooks. A change of ends did the trick though and Matt succumbed to a flighty long hop which made its way to the off stump via his bat.

Enter Harry. In his younger days he used to open for Chingford alongside Essex star Dan Lawrence and had played a T20 game in midweek. Time for some cavalier strokes perhaps? However, Harry had described his batting as “Jonathan Trottesque” so maybe solid accumulation would have to do. Simon had made his way to 40 before an ecstatic Matt Bentall squeezed one through his defences so Harry was joined by Matt ‘the Barnacle’ Smerdon. Whilst the pair negotiated a few overs of tidy defence with the score at 111 it was looking as though the chase was up but then Harry set off on a suicidal single leaving Matt well short of his ground. Perhaps wracked with the guilt instilled by a Catholic education or perhaps inspired by new man Nick Taylor’s determination to avoid singles (3, 2, 2, 4, 2, 2 to make his 15 before being bowled by Matt Bentall) Harry began to play some shots eventually holing out off the bowling of Fenton.

Bringing us to where we came in. I used to live with Matt Bentall and he got an enormous amount of joy from clean bowling me last year. Between myself and Dom Alexander we took four off his bowling leaving Dom on strike to the last over with only two needed. Dom was cleaned up by Fenton for 8 leaving last man Kannan with five balls to face and all three results on the table. The first three balls were on a length and into the keeper’s gloves. Kannan connected with the next but it went straight to a fielder. With skipper Anthony umpiring and making it clear that the suicidal single was not an option Kannan connected better with the last ball but once again it only found a fielder. Draw secured but what could have been?

Overall this was an encouraging start to the season. We bowled well. We fielded well. We batted well. We (nearly) put a full side out for an away game. Most importantly we competed all the way through. Next stop Hampstead and the Occasional Casuals. Better start drinking now then.

Ightham 165-7dec

Hackney Umpires 164-8

Match drawn

HUCC Man of the Match Simon Griffin

[hucc]

Match report v Southwick Wanderers 24 Sept, North Chailey (East Sussex)

The two days before any fixture is always a tense time in the Archives’ Department.  It is over these 48 hours that an elite squad of 11 dissolves away into 5 ‘definites’, 2 ‘previously-definite-but-now-a-bit-touch-and-go’, 2 ‘completely-AWOLs-less-contactable-than-undiscovered-tribes-of-the-Amazon-delta’ and 2 ‘sorry-mate-can’t-make-its’.  There was therefore a sense of foreboding that greeted the arrival of an email from Anthony Pearce, pillar of our cricketing community; subject: Bad News for Sunday.

But if there is one thing the Archives can get excited about it’s an opportunity for a tortured metaphor. And so, with our captain otherwise engaged on a 2-day National Childbirth Trust class, the question needs to be asked: could our season finale against Southwick herald the birth of a new era for The Hackney Umpires.  Right, metaphor over. Deep breaths everyone.  (OK, now it’s really over).

Southwick Wanderers are a team we know well.  Our 4 previous encounters include a win, a loss and 2 draws.  A central theme running through these games has been the slow-medium wobbling delivery known as the dibbly-dobbler.  This is a subject that has of course been done to death in previous match reports. But that has never stopped the Archives before, and it won’t now as we take this opportunity to discuss the proud history of the dibbly-dobbler.

Southwick, although Wanderers, play exclusively in East Sussex, where for centuries local cricketing conditions fostered a culture of dibbling, using the damp, slow wickets of The Weald to nibble the ball a bit in the air.  This indigenous speciality reached its zenith in 1850 when local publican D Field (snr) invented the so-called dobbler, a ball that to all intents and purposes looked like a standard dibbler only for it to then dobble away off the pitch.  Since then East Sussex has been an anathema to batsmen, fast bowlers, spinners and pretty much any kind of cricketer aside from trundling slow/medium bowlers who can do a bit in the air and land the ball seam up.

The dibbly-dobbler is a creed, a way of life.  In a sense it is the East Sussex equivalent of the ancient Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang, where such seemingly opposite or contrary forces as ‘the dibble’, and its counterpart ‘the dobble’ can be seen to be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent.

D Fields II, King of the Dibbly-Dobblers, The Lord High Dobblercutioner, bestrides this lugubrious oscillation like a colossus.  But after his first 4 overs the Hackney Umpires batting has thrown him off kilter.  Our third wicket partnership Kieran Kumaria and Moses Otiti came together at 41-2 and set off at just under 9 runs an over culminating in a mighty lofted 6 from Mo against the previously all-conquering Vicar of Dibbly(Dobbly). 

D Field changes end in search of that elusive slightly slower one that just shapes a tad in the air. Although early in the game this is a crucial phase.  The HUCC selectors have put their faith in a team best described as a bowling side.  In short our batting was thinner than the large font edition of the Jack Lewis Guide to Blocking for the Draw. Despite our positive start a wicket now could precipitate a decline of some rapidity.

D Field shuffles in, medallion glinting rakishly in the autumnal light.  The ball enters its faintly   vacillating arc....Moses swings mightily....

Earlier in the innings, with almost half the team still on the road, David and Kieran kicked things off in the sunshine at North Chailey. 35 overs a side at Southwick’s new venue, boasting a spectacular view stretching out across the downs, but the wicket itself has a familiar sluggish look about it and the outfield appears rougher than a Buckfast Tonic breakfast of champions. 

Our long history of games with Southwick has often seen us slightly short of numbers willing to make the long trip down south. But such is the friendliness of this friendly that there are always willing substitute fielders on hand to make a contribution.  How wryly we smile recalling the games of yesteryear where sub fielders inevitably dropping an improbable sequence of chances.  I’m sure Southwick felt the same way on Sunday as our sub fielder (who shall remain nameless as he is only 13) floored a straightforward-looking chance offered up by Kieran on single figures.  As they may or may not say in East Sussex: what dobbles around, dibbles around.

David Dawkins looks untroubled, strolling to 3 before he’s bowled playing ‘round a straight one.  A low score but overall this year a good season at the top of the order for David.

In at no.3: Matt “Barney” Smerdon.  He makes a solid start before timing the ball crisply with enough power to plough through the outfield and pierce the boundary.  In elite sport an uncluttered mind is essential.  Any negative thoughts have a corrosive effect on the relentless focus needed to execute your skill set.  So there definitely shouldn’t be a thing where every time Matt hits a 4 we all - Matt included - then start thinking he’s now going to get out.  And anyway that wasn’t a thing as he diligently blocked the next ball before once more cleanly striking the ball low through the covers...only to see short extra cover grab the ball in the tumbling dive to take a very sharp catch.

Kieran is joined by Moses in the 13th over with the score at 41-2.  7 overs later at drinks it’s 99-2, we’re on the cusp of 5-runs an over with wickets in hand and two former international cricketers at the crease. 

In the long and occasionally tortuous history of the Umpires I can safely say that the phrase “two former international cricketers” does not get used too often in relation to our batting.  Indeed this is so unprecedented and in truth improbable that the Club’s governing body, the shadowy and enigmatic  Sub committee Sub committee has conducted an internal review and issued a ruling that future HUCC teams are limited to a maximum of two players who have represented their country at international level (except in exceptional circumstances e.g. we are a bit short players). 

So anyway drinks, 15 overs to go, which, if we can push on at a conservative estimate of 7 an over gives us a handy total of 200.  First over after drinks Kieran is bowled for 43. 

After starting the 2017 campaign with consecutive ducks Dave Fawbert steadied the ship in his last innings against with a solid not out.  He rotates the strike effectively giving Mo the opportunity to mow down the opposition bowling.  Moses reaches his 50 with another glorious 6.  Unfortunately the scorer had miscounted so we end up applauding the fairly nondescript single that followed it, and we are then taken by surprise as Field dobbles one through Mo’s next attempt to launch him over the Downs and bowls him for 51.  Dave then picks up the mantle hitting some great shots to keep the scoreboard ticking along. New player, left-hander, Dom is bowled by the criminally under-bowled “Ronnie” and then, in the 31st over, Dave is out for 17 attempting an ambitious looking pull/flamingo shot.  Billy O’Brien, in his third game for the Umpires, all against Southwick, joins Kannan out in the middle at 143 for 6.  In limited over games the accepted wisdom is that you have to bat out your overs.  Kannan digs in determinedly, emerging at the end of the innings 5no with Billy similarly undefeated on 2 and Southwick have been set 153 to win the game.

4.37 an-over might not sound much but the outfield is slow and we are a bowling side.  Kieran and Manny open the bowling with matching maidens. Kieran riding high in the Official HUCC Premier League Fantasy Football League exudes a calm confidence. Manny at the other end riding out the bottom of a slump in that same league tops the real chart of 2017 HUCC wicket takers. And so even when Manny and Kieran trade dropped catches off each other’s bowling we remain confident, the fielding is energetic and (mostly) sharp, and even Kannan’s international conference call at 4:30pm fails to knock us off our stride.

Mo replaces Kieran at the pavilion end and strikes in his first over, bowling the dangerous looking wicketkeeper for 14.  In the 10th  over Manny takes his 14th wicket of the campaign removing the other opener Gemma who had valiantly fended of everything Mo had to offer but was then bowled for 6 with the score 28-2.

Southwick’s third wicket pairing seem to have more of a cutting edge, until Mo produces the delivery of the day detonating the middle stump clean out of the ground and in to the next county.

With Mo’s spell at an end the stand-in captain now has a tricky bowling change to consider. While we have made a good start we are defending a lowish total and it would only take a few boundaries for the pressure to release.  As a team we struggled in the last game against Bethnal Green but David Dawkins’ accurate and wicket-taking bowling was a high point.  As the saying goes: when in Rome count in numerals and eat roasted dormice; and when in East Sussex, the Appellation d'origine controlle of dibbly-dobbling, if they dibble, you dobble. 

David and Billy, Chichester U13s 2017 bowler of the year, are spot on with line and length, keeping it very tight for the next few overs.  At the 20-over drinks break Southwick are 60-3, well behind the curve, needing 93 runs with the run rate rising.

After drinks David continues to keep a tight rein on the batting, conceding just 10 runs in 4 overs.  At the other end two wickets fall to left arm filth.  The batting side know it’s now or never and hit a few boundaries reaching 119-5 after 30 overs.  The equation is now 34 runs for Southwick to win in 5 overs.  Their no.4 reaches his fifty.  The day could go either way.  But this day we were always going to back ourselves with the ball, and Kieran and Mo close it out, combining to remove the no.4 with a great swallow diving catch in the covers by Mo from Kieran’s bowling and between them conceding just 22 runs in the last 5 overs for victory.

In the end the result was a win by just 11 runs.  Over the course of 70 overs and 293 runs this is a fine margin in a close game that either side could have won.  So what made the difference?  Mo’s two mighty 6s?  Dave F’s quick fire 17 runs?  Billy’s 14 dot balls in 3 high quality overs?  Matt’s ever reliable wicket-keeping?  Full length dives in the field to stop fours from Dom, Manny and Kieran? David D’s first 4 overs that went for 10 runs?  All of these things and more were in themselves worth more than the difference between the two sides.  Kieran’s closing spell of 5 overs was very high quality bowling, but for the third time in his 3 games Moses gets the nod for man of the match for his 50, his 2 wickets and the catch to get rid of the opposition’s top scorer.

When, in a previous report a little while ago now, Michael Winner stood on the deck of HMS Victory feeding Winalot to Bob Champion's dog, little did he realise that this could be something that might occur on a more regular basis, including multiple times in the same season.  The story of 2017 has had a beginning (Occasional Casuals), a triumphant middle (London Fields), and now a highly satisfying conclusion (Southwick).

HUCC 152-6 (M Otiti 51; K Kumaria 43; D Fawbert 17)

Southwick Wanderers 141-6 (M Otiti 2/20; M O’Brien 2/24 K Kumaria 1/19)

HUCC win by 11 runs

Up the Umpires!

[hucc]

Match report v Bethnal Green Camel  Sunday 10 September  Millfields

The Cricketing Gods are always listening. They are always watching. Ever alert so that they can repay any minor transgression with cricketing misfortune, the Cricketing Gods must at all times be pandered to, respected and generally appeased in the most humble and obsequious way.  Whisper quietly in a light-hearted way that, say, Ian Windle always scores runs, or suggest that our recent results mean we have a pretty good chance of winning, and the opposite is guaranteed. 

Unfortunately, it is difficult to write a match report without risking offence to The Cricketing Gods. Hence I suppose a personal record of crap scores and wicketless overs (that’s right, it takes a conspiracy of divine proportions to hold me back and is in no way related to lack of talent and practice).  Sod it anyway. Those touchy snowflake so-called gods can bog off.  I swat their cricketing-deity long-hops to cow corner. Bring it on you lazy, bearded, flannel-wearing twats. What have you got?

Sorry about that. Where was I?  Ah yes: the beginning.  And what better way to pass the time waiting for the skipper to lose the toss and teammates to finally show themselves, than some rigorous fielding drills.  This is the cricketing equivalent of our call to prayer and, despite its simplicity, a devout earnestness is an essential part of summoning the faithful and demonstrating our belief in cricket’s timeless ceremonies. And so, in the middle of this sacred ritual, when Nick lobs the ball to Matt Veal who is looking the other way catching him full in the bollocks - at that point, any high-priest of the game worth his linseed oil would have surmised that The Cricketing Gods would have been observing.

And so, using the medium of match-report, we fast forward to the 27th over of the Hackney Umpire reply. With light fading fast and the drizzle ramping up to light rain, there are just 8 overs remaining.  If, for the moment, I don’t mention either our score or the total that Bethnal Green Camel has set us, I can just about maintain a sense of drama: suffice to say the Umpires need a lot of runs.  Nick Taylor is on strike. Tu, the opposition’s feared slow-medium trundler, lumbers in from the Lee Bridge End. It’s a short ball. Nick pivots on his back foot.  I am the non-striker here so in perfect position to see him go back and across, raising his bat in a mighty arc to swat the ball away to the leg-side. In the cinematic version Nick is going toe-to-toe with a vicious short-paced missile in an epic stand-and-deliver confrontation, the ball veering up maliciously from a crack in the rock hard playing surface.

In truth it is more viscous than vicious. The ball loops up in a weird parabola from the rolled Millfields’ mud.  Nick is through the shot too soon. The ball continues its spongy trajectory to strike him flush in the face.  He falls the ground.  We rush to the prone batsman calculating anxiously how long the waiting times might be to get into Homerton Hospital’s J Grice Recovery Suite.

Mike Tyson famously said: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”.  Well he may have had beautifully pressed shirts, but ‘Iron’ Mike clearly does not know Nick ‘The Yeti’ Taylor.  Having gone down, and with a lump growing impressively on his check, Nick was a man reborn, getting up from the ropes and clubbing 4 after 4 (yes, two 4s) to the boundary like a hairyweight pugilist champion.  That he was then bowled, and his innings achieved very little, should in no way obscure the truth of the matter, which is: next time he goes out to bat whack Nick across the head to wake up his Neanderthal sporting brain.

Right then.  Back to the start of the Sunday service.  We have lost the toss and we’re fielding.  General consensus is that This Is A Bad Thing.  Extras is not playing himself in and goes off hard, although to be fair, Jack was managing to wring some life out of a pitch deader than a stuffed Dodo on a muddy gurney, and it is Jack who snares the first wicket via a miss-hit to the fielder at mid-wicket: 20 for 1 after 5 overs.  The other opener sticks around a bit longer but Faisel induces a mistake and Anthony calmly waits an age for the ball to descend and takes the catch.

Esteban Hull, the Spanish High Commissioner at the British Council, with 31 appearances to his name is a highly experienced campaigner, although, like many of those from the so-called ‘Vincibles’ of our debut 2008 season it can sometimes be hard to tell. Though not having played since our victory at the start of this season Steve, as we can call him, quickly rediscovers the Grind and tries to get a grip on the scoring: the 16th over of the innings is a maiden and that increment of pressure tells in the very next over. Avinash, the Camel’s number 3 has looked an elegant batsman, but, despite his  confident forward defensive, Faisel delivers the ball of the day, swinging late to beat the bat and clip the top of off. 105-3. We leak a few more runs in the next over and after 18 overs at drinks it’s 120-3. But what could have been a match defining session of play after the beverage break runs quickly away from us thanks to a 4th wicket century stand finally curtailed in the 26th over after David ‘Double-D’ Dawkins dismisses the dude from Durban for 71.

Jack returns to bowl 2 overs of filth, replaced by Matt Veal whose second spell is contrastingly much better

Jack’s first spell: 5 overs; 1 maiden; 1 wicket for 10 runs

Matt’s first spell: 4 overs; 0 wickets for 24 runs

Jack’s second spell: 2 overs, 0 wickets for 33 runs

Matt’s second spell: 3 overs, 2 wickets for 14

Ian takes a difficult running catch from Matt’s bowling, while at the other end wickets fall in 4 consecutive overs by David: two catches, a run out thanks to a pin-point throw by Esteban at mid-Juan, and then beating the batsman to hit the stumps.  But, despite the flurry of wickets, the damage has been done, and with the last pair undefeated Bethnal Green Camel have amassed 282-9 from 35 overs.

Opposition captains look away now: run chases are not our thing.  In 2015 we once hit 153 to win a game, but as unimpressive as that is, it remains the high watermark of our record batting second.  In contrast, there are a few examples of the opposition racking up a monster score followed by utter capitulation. The game plan is not discussed in detail during lunch.

We should not be downhearted.  This has already been a successful campaign for our new skipper.  One of the hallmarks of 2017 has been a new-found resilience in the opening partnership between Anthony and David.  Surprisingly however, in this match, we opt to go with a new pairing: Anthony and Steve.

Kit Caless the clapping Clapton captain seems to have been stifled by his own team making him wear the keepers’ gloves to muffle his hands, and as a result we are spared the test of his probing bowling. Anthony sees out the first over from Sam the Poet.  Unbeknown to the opposition the tactical background to our changed order is that Steve needs to go early.  Though just how early he had to go came as a bit of a surprise to all of us, including Steve and his watching family.

The common goldeneye (Bucephala clangula) is a medium-sized sea duck. The species name is derived from Latin clangere, "to resound".  Yes, Wikipedia, that ever-trusty resource comes into its own once again, as with Steve out first ball for a golden duck it would seem we dropped a bit of a clanger with our reconfigured batting line up.

Ian Windle, also of the ‘Vincibles’ line up, but being restricted to a maximum of 1 annual appearance only having accumulated a lowly 8 appearances, strides out to the middle and immediately looks the part. With an average of 32.40 Ian is one of the batting greats of the side, who can consistently be relied on to get a score whatever the quality of the opposition.

Oh, ye Cricketing Gods.  How cruelly do you mock us unworthy mortals.  Ian plays on for 2 and our 2017 opening pair, David and Anthony, are reunited with the score 14-2 in the 6th over (required run rate 9.27).  Our listing craft is steadied and we sail steadily towards the oasis of the drinks break before that ship of the desert, the camel, strikes again.  An increasingly fatigued Anthony, having valiantly kept wicket and then scored 42 runs (22 of them actually run thanks to the impenetrable swathes of outfield grass) wearily succumbs thanks to a juggling catch at backward point.

Another drinks break, and just like our opposition we are 3 wickets down, albeit for 63 and not 120.  The final session is a bit of a struggle.  The sky darkens.  Rain starts to fall but never hints at saving us.  In truth we aren’t helping ourselves and the Weather Gods are in any case in league with their Cricketing colleagues.  Total holy stich up.  

Jack hits a magnificent 4 from his first ball.  But not long after (*cut and paste job*) is caught in the deep looking to force the pace.  Matt Veal offers a spritely cameo scoring 15 before playing ‘round a straight one.  Nick takes one in the face as has been described, gives a bit back and then is bowled.  Faisel ditto without the face bit.  Kannan unusually falls without scoring (only happened twice before).  We recruit a ringer fresh from the streets of Millfields’ cricketing community, but unfortunately, and despite taking the field as 11th man, he doesn’t get to bat as the umpire has seen far too much of the Archivist’s scratchy batting and gives him out leg before wicket with a grand team total of 127 from 31 overs leaving us 155 short.  

And so we lost.  Individually there were positives, but we struggled to translate that into sustained partnerships with bat or ball. There were ducks and there was water but it can’t be said we made things easy for ourselves.  And while there was no lack of effort, at times we lost our way to a team that individually and collectively had too much for us that day.

David, the man they call The Postman (er, because he always delivers wears shorts), deservedly takes HUCC Man of the Match award for his excellent 6 over spell of bowling and resilient batting. 

Bethnal Green Camel 282-9: Rich 71; Matt 63; Extras 48; David Dawkins 3/45 Faisel Rahman 2/38

Hackney Umpires 127 all out: Anthony Pearce 42; David Dawkins 18;

[hucc]

Match report v Homerton  6 August 2017

by Dave “Flowbear” Fawbert I don't specifically remember the first cricket match that I saw. It was probably a Test Match on the BBC during the England 'glory years' of the early nineties, a side that made the Umpires' collapses look like amateur affairs. On the other hand, I do vividly remember Neil Foster running in to bowl for Essex when I went to Sunday League games with my Uncle, and he retired in 1993, so it may have been Chelmsford that saw my baptism to the great sport. Either way, I've been following the game for nigh on 25 years. Yet, after 25 years, it is still capable of throwing new things up at you.

Sometimes, they're new cricket balls, from an errant overthrow or an unintentional top edge to the face - other times, they are core parts of the game that you really thought you understood.

At around 5pm on Sunday, Homerton's number 4 and 5 were safely settled into a handsome stand, both of them driving our hardworking and dogged attack for all-too-regular boundaries - victory looked inevitable for them. Then, out of nowhere. Number 5 gloves a ball up into the air. It hits the deck, begins to roll back towards the stumps and then - he knocks it with his bat away from danger. Instantly, summoned up from the depths of my brain, came the siren: hit ball twice. One of the more exotic forms of dismissal, filed away alongside 'timed out' and 'obstructed the field' but a dismissal nonetheless. Number 5 argued his case but we pretty much all agreed - that's out matey. Luckily - for sportsmanship, and for accuracy - captain Anthony consults with the umpire, who brings up the ultimate umpire - Google - locates the dismissals section and - would you believe it - Law 34 states: "(a) The striker is out Hit the ball twice if, while the ball is in play, it strikes any part of his person or is struck by his bat and, before the ball has been touched by a fielder, he wilfully strikes it again with his bat or person, other than a hand not holding the bat, “except for the sole purpose of guarding his wicket."

https://www.lords.org/mcc/laws-of-cricket/laws/law-34-hit-the-ball-twice/ 

I never knew that. If it's hitting your stumps, you're allowed to hit it again.

If we'd known that, we could have probably avoided a load more wickets down the years.

Number 5 is recalled, and scores a few more runs before getting out shortly afterwards - nonetheless, it's a pivotal moment in the game.

Rewind to the beginning: the Umpires bat first, confident of posting a good score on a lovely day in Springfield Park, the scene of a hawk-on-seagull massacre the previous years. Plenty of seagulls abound this time around but no hawks, other than the non-feathered Manny variety.

Anthony P and David D get us off to a great start, comfortably manoeuvring the bowling around the park, with a sole scare coming from a confident lbw shout against the skipper. The 50 comes up without loss; however, three runs later David is snaffled at slip for a solid 18. Kieran K comes in and plays with pure elegance, caressing the ball around the field like a peak-era, right-handed Gower. Drinks are taken at 19 overs with the score 89/1 - a solid base to work from. Anthony is caught in the deep for 60 - yet another big score for the Umps - to make it 100 (ish) for 2 and, with the scoring rate needing a bit of a kick - Jack L is just the man to do it, whacking a breezy cameo of 15 off not many before being bowled to make it 122/3.

From there, everyone contributes with the scoring rate ticking over throughout - Andrew S is (maybe) caught behind for a nice 12, Kieran K holes out for an elegant 44, Jiten S is bowled after a sweet 16, and Faisel R, Dave F and Manny H utilise a variety of scurried byes, edges, nudges, whacks and wides (brought on by pressure from the aforementioned, no doubt) to bring the score up to a highly respectable 191/7 after 35 overs.

On we go to the Homerton innings, with Jack and Kieran taking the new ball - both openers are soon gone after catches from Manny and Dave while Andrew, bowling first change, strikes with his first ball, wicketkeeper Anthony taking a looping catch. Homerton teeter on 66/3 - a couple more wickets and an unprecedented third win is on the cards for the Umpires, especially with Homerton only fielding 10 like us.

However, the middle order rallies with numbers 4 and 5 (Saga and Sam, if you must) taking the score up to 155 - just 37 from victory. Nonetheless, the Umpires refuse to give in and, shortly after - but not before a few extra crucial runs are added - the Law 34 fiasco, number 4 misses a quick one from Andrew, before number 5 is caught in the deep - a great catch from Kieran. Two more wickets follow in a mini collapse (one caught off Manny (I think by Andrew), another lbw to Kieran) of 4/18 and suddenly it's game on again - 19 needed for victory in plenty of overs - but with only 2 wickets to get.

Sadly, despite our best efforts, Homerton are fighters (which we might have seen literally if the Law 34 decision had gone the other way) and with 'Tony' digging in at one end, and number 9 'Daniella' landing some lusty blows at the other, the Umpires fall agonisingly short of another victory.

There was certainly no lack of effort by the Umpires' ten and both sides appreciated a close game - in the cold light of evening, Homerton were always slightly ahead in their innings, but the Umpires never gave in.

So what can we take away from this encounter? Well, pride at a good stab of a performance, and new knowledge of the weird and wonderful ways of the game. As ever, cricket is the true winner.

Hackney Umpires CC 191/7 (35 overs) Pearce 60, Kumaria 44

Homerton CC 192/7 (30 overs) (Lewis 3/39, Swain 2/31)

[hucc]

Match report v London Fields 16 July 2017

Past results against London Fields CC include a draw and three losses. Throw in another two defeats in 6-over tournaments and a pattern emerges.  Expand a little on last year’s all-time worst ever result and a kind of blue-print for Hackney Umpire performances is suggested.  And the HUCC Archives do not bandy-about phrases like worst-ever without reason: in 2016 against the same opposition, at the same ground, a humiliating 55 all out came, as inevitably as night follows day, after LFCC’s 336 punishing runs in 40 sapping, sweaty and quite literally bruising overs.

It is testament to our commitment, our resolve, our pig-headed-foolhardy-misguided refusal to recognise the limitations of our own selves that we return, time and again, back to the fray with optimism renewed.  (Note: I woke up yesterday morning thinking we were in with a great chance of winning.  Of course I woke up on the morning of the 3rd July 2016 thinking something pretty similar).

Foolhardy commitment aside, there have been some notable absences so far this season. But the next generation has stepped up to the mark under Anthony’s increasingly confident leadership.  The Archives Department has been very grateful to those players that have volunteered to record the heroic, and occasionally less than heroic, deeds of the 2017 team (before this game: 1 win, 1 draw and 2 losses).  It has, in particular, been refreshing to return to a more linear narrative style in match reports, something I was in fact saying to Matt 'Barney' Smerdon, as we went in for drinks during the London Fields’ reply with the game hanging in the balance... 

After 18 of their 35 overs London Fields scored 96 runs and lost 4 wickets.  By comparison, at the same stage in the Umpires’ innings, our redoubtable opening partnership Anthony Pearce and David Dawkins had amassed 78 runs without loss. That cricketing equilibrium of runs and wickets was finely poised.  A short sharp shower had us sheltering briefly beneath a mighty pitch-side London Plane, and the fourth and final act of the drama commenced with a mugginess in the air.  A mugginess that the more theatrically minded could interpret as heralding some impending tempest.

Anthony throws the ball to Manny.  To be fair, The Hawk's opening spell was slightly undercooked, taking no wickets and giving up an unpalatable 26 runs in 3 wayward overs. HUCC’s leading wicket-taker in 2017 seemed to be trying just that little bit too hard to find the magic recipe.  With 14 overs left London Fields’ run rate is climbing but we know that 10 an over is possible. We’d done it ourselves in our innings.  And with only 10 players in the field the gaps were there.  The Hawk re-marks his run up. He adjusts his generous towelling headband.  The ingredients are all assembled...

4 hours earlier Anthony won the toss and elected to bat.  London Fields' opening bowlers may not appear obviously daunting but The Fields know us well.  They know our weaknesses.  They start both ends with a barrage of dibbly-dobbling.  Fresh from the mauling at the hand of the so-called Gentlemen of so-called Cambridge our openers Anthony and David are wary. Scoring is difficult. The pitch seems variable: many deliveries dibble significantly, only for the next ball to dobble alarmingly.  Patiently we build the platform. 

The highlight of the opening passage of play comes when Anthony passes 28 bringing up his 1,000th run for the Hackney Umpires.  Although not particularly Anthony-like, our captain’s edge through vacant 3rd slip down to the boundary was possibly a tribute to the vast majority of the 5,000 runs we have collectively amassed over the years many of which have been streakier than Erica Roe eating a bacon sandwich.  We stand and applaud this heroic achievement for fully 5 seconds until subdued by Anthony’s indifference and everyone else’s lack of knowledge of the milestone.

One over the go before the 18 over drinks break and Anthony unexpectedly finds another gear bludgeoning 19 runs from the over to reach 49no.

78-0 is a good start.  Solid. Level-headed. We discuss tactics during the break.  The feeling is we need to press on a bit.  We need to take the game to the opposition.  Rates need to be upped.  Gaps pierced.  Ones turned into twos.  Boundaries found.  This is of course the kind of strategy we have had many times before, that almost inevitably precedes an initial flourish followed by a rapid flurry of wickets, a battling retrenchment and inevitable collapse and recriminations.

Not unsurprisingly then, both openers fall with the score on 87 playing on looking to up-the-old-rate. Yet despite this Anthony’s 55 and David’s 24 suggest we now have an opening partnership that can fend off good balls and profit from the bad ones.

Kieran Kumaria, last seen for the Umpires in August 2015, returns to the field.  Having not picked up a bat in 2 years Kieran seamlessly begins caressing sumptuous cover drives (straight to a fielder for a single, but still lovely shot).  At the other end Jack ‘The Gunslinger’ has spent 20 overs prowling up and down like a caged tiger then surprises us all by seeing out 3 dot balls.

The received wisdom is: if you're going to flash - flash hard.  Clearly this created some problems for the BBC Light Entertainment Department during Operation Yewtree, but in the context of the next few balls it was Are You Being Served, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and The Royal Variety Performance all rolled into one.  After the 3 dots Jack smashes 24 runs from the next 7 deliveries and the field spreads.

The people of London Fields are widely acknowledged as discerning cricket observers.  I can’t replicate the emphasis or the joy of the following, but Jack’s batting got the crowd going and the phrase  “Put the rubbish in the bin” was bellowed more than once.  This was followed by “Put the rubbish in the pool” as Matt Veal followed Jack’s ignition of our innings, keeping the throttle fully open with 35 runs in his first 15 balls including a flat-clubbed 4 straight over the bowler’s head that Kieran at the other end will surely have recognised from the Yankee Stadium.  

Eventually Kieran joins in the fun, cutting loose at the end of the innings to finish on 57 runs from 37 balls with Matt left on 47 not out and a total after 35 overs of 229 for 3.

The Archives Department loves a good stat.  Here’s one:

First 10 overs 40 runs scored

Second 10 overs 47 runs

Third 10 overs 92 runs

Final 5 overs 50 runs

What you might call a beautifully constructed innings.  

During the innings break we keep ourselves level-headed by remembering that we once set LFCC a total of 203 that they sauntered to in less than 30 overs.  Jack and Manny take the new ball.  Jack’s first delivery flies to the boundary for 4. Sometimes you look around the field and you just see gaps.  It doesn’t help that we only have 10 players.  But we back ourselves.  Jack’s pace brings a mistake from the batsman, the ball loops up and Matt Veal stretches to take a great catch.  

We stem the flow of runs.  Kannan at backward point makes a fine stop, once again putting himself on the line for the cause.

Kieran replaces Manny and, two years on from bowling a ball, offers up a maiden to start.  Followed by 7 overs of probing bowling very occasionally punctuated by the odd-legside delivery.  After 10 overs The Fields are 63-1.

New recruit Andrew Swain looks a handy bowler.  An enthusiastic dog delays the 11th over of our innings by running off with the ball.  Undeterred Andrew is off the leash once more, sending down a schnauzer of a ball, the batsman attempts to whippet away but makes a spaniel of it and Matt “Barney” Smerdon behind the stumps is the golden retriever. Two-down. 

One over later and Kieran’s bowling gets a double reward the other opener plays on looking to hit out and a catch lobbed to safe hands Matt Veal at mid-wicket.  Double-wicket maiden and LFCC are reeling at 77-4.  Kieran returns to the Disco Party end where they presciently welcome him with Hong Kong Garden by Siouxsie and the Banshees.

Jason Lord, we have seen him bat at length before, steers the batting side to drinks.  Barney all the while restricting his attempts to sneak singles with a series of attempted stumpings at least one of which looked a decent shout.

But while LFCC need to score quickly, they still have wickets left and so it is we return to Manny Hawks, who we left a few paragraphs ago preparing his ingredients, and readying his recipe.  And like Mary Berry, Manny goes out all-buns glazing. 

In his next 4 overs the remainder of the London Fields batting order is dismantled as Manny lets the ball do the work, swinging it into the stumps twice in the 22nd over, assisted an over later by Andrew clinging on to a dying catch at point and finally removing the opposition captain with a regulation catch to mid-on. All that’s left are three balls of slow left arm to remove the last partnership and the win is ours. London Fields all out for 138.

Forget the patterns of the past. Ignore the old blueprint of HUCC performances.  Despite 7 of the players from a year ago being part of the team this was something a little bit different.

HUCC 229-3

Kieran Kumaria 57*

Anthony Pearce 55

Matt Veal 47*

Jack Lewis 29

David Dawkins 24

LFCC 138-10

Manny Hawks 4/46

Kieran Kumaria 3/12

HUCC win by 91 runs

HUCC Man of the Match Kieran Kumaria

[hucc]

Match report v Gentlemen of Cambridge 2 July 2017

The Power of Pollen

Report by Nick Taylor

Every night before a cricket game I would check the weather forecast almost religiously to check if it's sunscreen or weather to have that extra beer the night before because actually you know there won't be any play. This summer has been particularly hot, 35 degrees is definitely field second even if it means a shorter game, I never usually check the pollen count when checking the weather before a game, from now on I will...

It was a perfect summer’s day, slightly cooler than 35 but still needed to slap it on. Before the game the team diminished from 12 to 11 to 10 in the matter of hours and the jammed car with 40% off the team with the windows down had high spirits and soft rock. 

Eager for a game we arrive ahead of everyone apart from Gav. We exchange pleasantries and he shared what I thought to be some gamesmanship before the match. I said I've never played the Gentlemen of Cambridge before and he regaled that in fact the opposition are actually the Gentlemen of Kerala, the team sheet read Patel, De Nash, Josef, Gav (overseas), Pradeep...he was the minority Englishman.  They played the day before but shouldn't have on the damp pitch but still won a close game, and maintained their top of the league spot. I decided not the repeat this conversation for the fear of weakening the high spirits of the car. 

Anthony won the toss and choose to bat on a firm pitch And he was indeed only a mere 76 (ish) runs away from the 1000 run mark, a major milestone to chalk up and the archivist was already sharpening this pencil in Ant'ony'icipation. 

Anthony opened with David and the Keralan gentlemen opened with a barrage of beauties. Umpiring at the bowlers’ end, Anthony chuckled he's only at 70% I can feel it. At 70% Anthony still found the timing and energy to pull off two swivel on a six pence head high swipes to the boundary whilst landing on the deck, had the bowler been at 100% they would have top edged for six both times. As wickets fell around the captain he remained calm and collected with plenty of quality cricket shots and some well-timed edges past second slip for four. 

I might add that the gentlemen of Kerala only had 8 players to start, we offered up a fielder to redress the balance but with some arrogance this was ignored. When they set a field with slips to boot the pressure was on before we faced a ball.

Matt Veal after a healthy knock the week before was elevated to number three and got the rough end of the Keralan express with a swinging peach of a delivery which foxed the Veal and with a dainty skip managed to jump out the way and was clean bowled, it was a beauty, as was the dancing.

Whilst the wickets fell around Anthony you could feel the temperature rise and the pollen count was no doubt rising also. Where there's pollen there's hay fever and where there's hay fever you can lose your tenth man, and as the wickets fell so did the number they needed to get out. Sam succumbed to a rare bout of hay fever which had him holed up on the pavilion shielding from the dust.

As the zeros and the odd threes were chalked up Anthony seemed settled on carrying his bat and getting us to at least three figures. But then doctor Khan was on call to change this. No he was actually on call, one of the umpires had his phone and as it rang when he was on his run up, the umpire held out the emergency line. He finished his over. The Spin Doctor chucked it down quick, swinging and spinning, difficult to get away and play at all.

Anthony went back to a straight one trying to turn it away leg side and was plumb LBW. 48, edging ever closer to that total. Archivist pencil on ice. It is now only a matter of time. 

Daff playing his one game for the season looks in confident form as ever and unfortunately was one for the record books this weekend with his first ever duck. Which was caught behind bowled Khan but as he didn't think he hit it, then it wasn't his first duck OK

The innings concluded on a rash shot to mid on and we were 8 down and out for 68.

We turned around immediately with the thoughts of a beer match of 20 overs after the Indian gents clean up the 68 they needed in quick time. However they did look to make it a little interesting by offering to switch their batting line up some what. Not a complete reversal but enough to give us a sniff.

The spirits were actually still quite high, the fielding warm up had people in giggles, we were still the Hackney Umpires and it was still all about the taking part. The atmosphere was pollen rich, Matt Veal and Manny Hawks had their averages to think about and well we were up for it. We literally had nothing to lose. 

(since starting this match report I've lost my phone, with it the scorecards and many photos which I'm trying not to think about. Some of the accuracies of this match report therefore owe to the fact that I don't have the score card but then this adds to the creativity, reading this back I've missed a wicket, sorry Manny)

The first over was eventful the next from Matt saw another for the record books, with a catch at mid-on from Kannan, stuck to his palms like super glue, I thought there was some pollen in the air!!

The fielding was inspired from the word go, four balls were stopped with dives and the run rate was slow. Soon after another chance and when chances rarely mean wickets this time they stuck nothing was getting past.

Manny as ever was on the money sharp accurate straight, Matt veal fielding at a close mid on diving forward ball juggling catch, 2 down. More tight bowling more tight fielding another chance another wicket.

The Veal signalling his fielder to move out a little pitched a short one, hooked the batsman in and fielder running in from the deep, legs slipping from under him, 3 down. Another chance a mere sniff, a nick to first slip, Anthony swiftly forward fingers under it and boom they were 4 down for 30 odd. Was there glue in the air, no the pollen count was high, the hands were hot and indeed the catches were sticking. 

At this Gav, who was umpiring signalled to his other more orthodox batsmen at square leg umpire 'do you fancy a bat' translated as 'go and pad up I'm a bit worried here'. 

Next another chance to Daff in the deep, we thought this must be out, everything else has been, this was however in any other match, of low pollen, a bloody difficult chance running right, looking high, backwards towards the boundary, two hands high above the head, both hands to it, out it popped and trickled to the boundary. A valiant effort. What followed form Daff was brilliant, nothing passed him wherever he fielded.

Matt Veal bagged another with some slower, but still fast, slightly spinning stuff, bowled. 5 down

The new bat as ordered in by Gav was assured but didn't score quickly! Anthony kept with Manny and Veal who both bowled 8 overs straight. Anthony brought himself on for an over and almost just almost brought another, a straight drive hit hard back an Anthony, hands to it, large bruise, tough chance.

Matt came on for the last over to see if he could get his fivefor but alas as we expected from the beginning of their innings it was lost. But with 6 down after 17 overs if we'd held our nerve with the bat and if they hadn't been the Gentlemen of Kerala well it may have been a longer afternoon at the University of Cambridge.

For the records no beer match followed.

[hucc]

Match report v Old Spring 11 June 2017

By OJ "the juice" Thompson

Modern one day cricket: it’s great isn’t it? Bowlers hurling it down at 90mph and batsmen launching it 90 metres+ into the stands. 300 a ‘par score’ boundaries greeted with flame throwers and banging tunes over the PA. Reverse sweeps, ramp shots, ‘clearing the front leg’ – all these things are commonplace. None of these things will feature in this match report. Sometimes it’s nice to regress. To return to a simpler time when polite applause was all that could be heard when the ball crossed the boundary. When upping the run rate meant nudging it past 3 an over. When drinks breaks and rehydration meant a pot of tea between innings and a pint of warm bitter after the game. The teams you need for this return to cricket’s past are Old Spring; a side who look like they never run out of linseed oil, and Hackney Umpires; a team who can take a couple of months to score 300 runs. The place is Cambridge; historic, beautiful and quintessentially English. If only those city centre tourists looking to steep themselves in culture had known there were six hours of forward defensives, legside nurdling and gentle seam up, right on their doorstep.

If, by now, you’re wondering what actually happened during the game, here are the key stats: -       The collective totals of both teams didn’t get to 300, in 70+ overs -       The run rate never breached the heady heights of 4 an over -       There were no 6’s and very few 4’s -       It was a really enjoyable game of cricket (to play in. Spectator feedback is still being collated and analysed) Winning the toss is seen as vital in modern cricket, but Anthony had a chat with their skipper and he fancied bowling and we fancied batting, so we replaced the toss with a handshake. Consistency of selection is another key mantra in the modern game but not one we subscribe to at HUCC. Unless you take it to mean consistently fielding a new XI every game. Andy Nash and Ben Moser make their Hackney debuts. Anthony and Jack open the batting; our one concession to the modern attacking style. But even they start watchfully, on a pitch that offers little bounce and an outfield that is green and flat and shockingly slow. Jack’s the first man to go, bowled hanging back to a straight one.  Andy Nash looks promising and un-HUCC like, with a high front elbow and decent timing, before a very sharp catch at second slip does for him. Gav Ayliffe, making his first start of the season, didn’t get the memo about traditional cricket and strides out in coloured clothing, but plays straight and looks set before departing caught and bowled. The wheels are now wobbling a bit and threaten to come off altogether when Anthony and Ol fall in successive overs, but the Umpires rally, thanks largely to an innings full of clean hitting and good cricket shots from Matt Veal, supported admirably by Manny, Kannan and Sam. HUCC 159 all out, from many, many overs.

No stretching, drinking protein shakes and doing fielding drills in the break; we opt for sandwiches, cakes and a nice sit down. Old Spring have 160 to win from 30-ish overs. Jack and Ol open up and find the Old Spring openers are old hands at dealing with the Fenland (lack of) pace and bounce. Wickets don’t look likely. Time for Manny ‘Golden Arm’ Hawks to enter the attack. This guy gets more late movement than Jeremy Corbyn. There’s more swing out there than Scotland on election night (note to usual match report writer – is this enough weak topical allusion?)

First over he bowls the opener. Next over he does the same to the no3. Two balls later he dismisses the Old Spring captain, caught by Sam in the gully. Four things you don’t want in a catch: 1.    It to be the crucial wicket of the oppo’s skipper/no.4 bat 2.    It to be swirling and spinning in the air 3.    At least two of your teammates to yell: ‘CAATCH!’ while it’s in the air, in case you hadn’t noticed 4.    Anthony also going for it from first slip, therefore running straight at you while you consider points 1,2 and 3. In summary, it was a very good catch. At the other end Ol, having abandoned an expensive attempt to bowl fast yorkers, which consisted of bowling a series of rank full tosses, is now doing line and length. Corridor of uncertainty. Get them pushing outside off. Dot ball’s a hot ball. You know the drill.

The Old Spring is creaking, but we can’t get rid of their classy opener who reaches 50 and doesn’t look troubled. He plays straight, he’s quick onto anything short, he has a plan for each bowler. So Anthony replaces Manny and he wonders to himself: ‘What’s this guy’s plan to a leg stump, double bouncing long-hop?’ Answer: HE DOESN'T HAVE A PLAN! Clean bowled by Anthony’s first ball. Well, I say clean bowled but it was a filthy dismissal. Game on, you might think, but it’s always village rules in East Anglia and although Matt Veal gets fired up by being repeatedly no-balled by the umpire, then uses one of the extra deliveries to bowl the no.6, the Spring are shutting up shop. Numbers 7 & 8 walk out to bat with shovels and dig in.  It hadn’t exactly been all action in the 60 or so overs before this, but it got distinctly Boycottian for the last 10. Jack and Ol return; Jack is quick and hostile, Ol’s trying every cutter, in-ducker, cross-seamer and mystery ball in the repertoire, but to no avail.

The Spring holds firm. 120-6 plays 159 all out and our search for a win against one of our oldest opponents goes on. As ever, a good game, against a welcoming team at a lovely ground. Undefeated in Cambridgeshire this season lads.

Up the Umpires!

[hucc]

Match report v Ightham Sunday 21 May 2017

By Manny “the Hawk” Hawks A visit from AA roadside assistance? A battling 50 from an opening bowler? More people called Bentall than the scorers can imagine? History does like to repeat itself in Kent. Last year we gave a decent account of ourselves chasing a fairly challenging total in the sedate surroundings of Ighham Cricket Club only to fall short with a handful of overs remaining. You could save yourselves the time and just read last year’s considerably better written match report but feel free to carry on reading this one. We arrived with only nine players including two debutants, Mike and Rich Taylor. Thankfully Ightham were also down to nine (and a half) and in varying states of sobriety following a significant league win the day before. Ightham won the toss and put us in to field. With the usual bowling stores looking a bit bare Anthony opened with Simon and Manny who bowled unchanged for the first 20 overs. Despite the gaps in the field the runs were kept down due to some sharp fielding and tight bowling and both openers were back in the pavilion courtesy of Simon: Tom Bentall bowled by one the kept low and Josh Brooks plumb lbw. At three and four Oz Sheikh and Matt Baines had eased themselves in and with the bowling starting to tire Anthony brought on Rich Taylor and John Twigg. Rich made a promising start but unfortunately Baines was wise to John’s numerous variations and deposited the first of two huge sixes out of the ground and into the poorly placed house on the mid-wicket boundary. Apparently Ightham have a bit of a deal with the residents of said house regarding roof and window damage so they might as well get their money’s worth. Seventeen off the over and 90-2 at drinks.

After drinks Rich Taylor continued alongside the skipper and both did a good job stemming the flow of runs. Sheikh in particular got tied down for a good few overs and was eventually bowled through the gate by Anthony. Baines saw this as an opportunity to cut loose and quickly reached 50 despite losing new man Princhard at the other end to give Rich a well-earned wicket. Nick Taylor joined the attack and quickly removed the dangerous Baines who had accelerated to 72 before holing out to Rich taking a great catch on the fine leg boundary. A tired Simon returned to the attack for the penultimate over but, alongside Nick, couldn’t shift Benson, Ightham’s “half” player, or Edmonds and the hosts closed on 191-5 off 41 overs. Last year’s trip to the garden of England had been somewhat traumatic for Kannan and his family as the car broke down a mile from the ground. With the AA clearly relying heavily on their lucrative sponsorship deal with Ightham Cricket Club Nick Taylor made sure they could plug their roadside assistance at this year’s fixture by locking his car keys in the boot. For a man batting at no.6, umpiring and looking out for his van driving saviour Nick looked remarkably serene as we slipped to 7-2 inside 3 overs. Ightham had generously offered to reverse their bowling order to make a game of it but home skipper Jerry Bentall accounted for his opposite number with a ball Anthony hit into his calf and on to leg stump and Tim Bentall, Jerry’s brother for any fact fans, got sharp bounce off a length to remove John Twigg caught behind.

Mike Taylor had done a tidy job behind the stumps in our 41 overs and had shown remarkable stamina for a Hackney Umpire in opening the batting with Anthony. Joined at the crease by brother Rich in a perilous position he steadied the ship nicely playing some attractive strokes off Jerry and Matt Bentall (Bentall no.4) before succumbing to the slow bowling of Josh Brooks for 32 leaving the Umpires on 48-3. Rich took his brother’s departure as the cue to hit the accelerator and made his way quickly to 30 before also falling victim to Brooks, this time chipping up a return catch. 75-4 with 20 overs left in the match and a tough call between shutting up shop and working on our forward defensives or throwing caution to the wind and chasing the remaining 117 for a famous victory. Either Simon had been indoctrinated by Eoin Morgan’s “aggressive brand of cricket” mantra or he was aiming to run as little as possible following his eleven overs of bowling but either way he began to move through the gears with some big shots and good support from Nick Taylor. A stand of 31 quick runs provided hope of the aforementioned famous victory until Tom Bentall cleaned up Nick leaving us on 106-5. In normal circumstances Simon would have been joined by a fellow aggressive fast bowler in Matt Veal or Jack Lewis but work and illness had unfortunately accounted for both. Instead usual no.11 Manny joined Simon at no.7. Seventeen runs later and Manny was gone for 2 bowled by Matt Bentall who appeared to enjoy removing his old housemate. Simon battled on shepherding the tail nicely to reach a maiden 50 for the Umpires. Kannan defended bravely and ran well in a stand of 14 before chipping Matt Bentall to point. Last man Sam dealt well with the bowling but didn’t make his ground getting back for a second and was run out for 1 closing the innings on 142-8. A good game of cricket played the right way, e.g. with not enough players and some comical dismissals, and a respectable performance from one of the more hastily assembled teams for a while. Next stop Cambridge – Up the Umpires! Ightham Innings: 191-5 declared off 41 overs – Baines 72, Griffin 2-45 HUCC Innings: 142-8ao off 34.5 overs – Griffin 54no, M Bentall 2-30 HUCC Man of the Match: Simon Griffin

[hucc]

Match report v Occasional Casuals 7 May 2017

Parliament Hill, London by OJ Thompson

Hackney Umpires 2017. A new season. A new captain. A new hope. Though as we know from previous seasons, it’s the hope that kills you. Hackney v Occasional Casuals was the game that ended the 2016 season. A game that had it all, ending in the dark with a tie off the last ball, amid disappointment, soul-searching, some controversial text messages between Jack & the Chief Archivist and the offer of a rematch.

We accepted and agreed on Parliament Hill as the venue. In the Hackney team are 9 veterans of previous campaigns and 2 debutants: Callum McDowell and Simon Griffin. What will a new skipper bring? Decisiveness: he wins the first toss, opts to bat and indicates we’re going to give it both barrels: Jack will open the batting with him. What follows is an opening to an Umpires game which leaves us pinching ourselves and repeatedly checking the scoreboard to make sure it’s happening: Anthony and Jack take apart a bowling attack. Decent balls are blocked, mild filth is worked for runs, and utter filth is despatched to all parts of Hampstead Heath. For the first 8 we go at 8 an over and hit 100-0 somewhere around the 14th. Jack falls shortly after the ton is up, for a rapid 41. He ran for just 3 of the 41 – all the rest came in boundaries. Socko from the Casuals follows up Jack’s wicket with Anthony’s, courtesy of a horrible shooter along the deck. So here we are, 120 for 2 off 20. We’re thinking 250 would be good. 280 would be better. And then, regular as ever, he turns up: our old friend Mr Collapse. With a platform built we proceed to dismantle it, losing six wickets for almost no runs, as five players get ducks. Both debutants are successful in their applications to join the least exclusive society in cricket: the HUCC Golden Duck Club. There are so many ducks spectators are turning up with stale bread. Thanks to this carnage we’ve gone from targeting 250 to hoping we can struggle to somewhere near 150.

It looks unlikely, but so do Gary and Manny in the middle. Gary’s years of experience now come to the fore: he celebrates a quick single like he’s hit a century. Then, with the oppo looking to finish us off, his son shouts from the boundary: “Daddy?” He stops the game to shout back: “Yes?” And, with both teams and all spectators awaiting the response, Gary’s son yells: ‘I LOVE YOU’ And suddenly cricket - the bizarre practice of dressing in white polyester and throwing a small sphere of leather at each other - is forgotten, We cheer, and laugh, and clap, and Occasional Casuals join in and forget they were trying to bowl us out. Excellent work whoever planned that interlude – top tactics. We finish on 159 all out.

The route to victory is clear: 10 wickets. Keep it tight. Don’t let them build partnerships. Work hard in the field. Back up the throws. Take catches. This stuff is much easier said than done, but then, bloody hell, we actually go out and do it, every word. Callum and Steve combine for a first wicket run out, then Callum cleans up the no.3. Matt Veal removes the OC skipper with a perfect yorker and when Callum takes a great catch from Jack’s bowling, Casuals are five down and well short of 159. As we know all too well, Casual’s have some fight in them. It’s mostly Kronenbourg and Gin and Tonic in them, but there’s a bit of fight too. A partnership develops and chances dry up. They are up with the run rate and the game is swinging towards them, but just after drinks, Manny sends down a low full toss. Bis, who has been doing the biz, attempts to slap it for 6 but doesn’t middle it. Straight to me at deep mid-wicket. The big partnership is broken and we’re back in it. Hawks and Thompson combine for another one caught in the deep, before Manny pulls off an extravagantly nonchalant one-handed caught & bowled. In the past we could have still lost from here, but we're resolute. We chase down everything in the field, while behind the stumps Barney is unbeatable. Nothing gets past him and, for what must be the first time in HUCC history, we concede NO BYES. None. Zero.

Victory is in site. The oppo is a wounded beast limping towards the end and, showing no emotion, we stamp on its windpipe. Thankfully the children have left by this point and also this is a metaphor. Simon Griffin lasted one ball in the first inning and further demonstrates his minimalist approach to cricket by dismissing the last man with the first ball he bowls. Game over. An outstanding team performance in the field. Played one, won one. 100% record. Unbeaten in 2017. Gary, we love you.

HUCC: 159 all out A. Pearce 49 J. Lewis 41 Occasional Casuals: 123 all out C. McDowell 2-14 M. Hawks 3-36

[hucc]

Match report v Occasional Casuals 11 September 2016 London Fields

Report by Dave Fawbert Cricket, bloody hell. OK, so Suralex Ferguson might have been talking about football, but had he not been Scottish, and from a Test-playing nation instead, and have swapped the dockyards of Govan for a leafy home counties village, and been present at London Fields on Sunday 11 September to watch Hackney Umpires take on the Occasional Casuals, he would have probably uttered those self-same words. For this was a cricket match which truly had everything. The dark, the light, the highs, the lows and everything in between. So the mediums and the middles. A lot of medium-pace bowling. It definitely had that. Slow-medium if we're being perfectly honest. And the middle? We'll get to that in good time. Living up to their name to an almost cliched level, our opposition were truly both occasional (one player had to chance his shoes after a couple of overs' fielding when he realised they had split in the intervening year since his last game) and casual (flagons of ale were being dispatched very early on in proceedings), a situation which led to the Umpires, batting first, getting off to a hitherto unseen (by this writer, anyway) opening. In glorious sunshine John Twigg enjoyed a touch of the cat's luck as he began positively, taking charge of an opening partnership with Anthony which yielded around 80, before a plumb lbw saw Twigg fall just short of what would have been a deserved half century. Next in came Ol, who wasted no time in having a good old swing at the rather generous bowling on offer. By this time though, Anthony had found his timing, and proceeded to cut, pull and generally blast his way to a chanceless hundred, words which I gather are not generally used in conjuction with the Hackney Umpires. Ol departed for an entertaining 32 with the score around 200 and 6 overs remaining, with the very real danger that an impressive total was on the cards. By this time, the carnival batting on display was matched by an actual carnival as the Hackney locals showed their support for our efforts by marking our final game of the season with a celebratory parade through the adjacent roads to the pitch. It truly is nice to know that we're appreciated by our great borough. An assortment of scurried singles from this writer and some lusty blows from Matt Veal pushed the score along to 243 for 6 by the end of the innings. There was talk of us being a few short of a par score, but given that this total was around 100% bigger than anything this writer had previously seen accumulated, it seemed churlish to be disappointed with a run rate of almost seven an over.

After an almost comically-long break between innings, whereby more refreshment was enjoyed by our gallant opposition - something which was like that throwaway reference in a movie to something which seems entirely unconnected with anything yet turns out to be crucially relevant in the final act, so remember this for later - the Casuals began their reply in earnest. Our pace twins Jack and Matt began with pace and accuracy from either end, matched by some panther-style fielding and it was no surprise when the breakthroughs came, first from Veal, and then from Lewis. At this point, Cap'n Ol decided to unleash his secret weapon, a new Pakistani signing who I believe completed his paperwork before kick-off having been recruited via the intensive scouting process of coming up to us and asking if we we were a man short (we were). It was soon clear that the system had mined us a diamond as an ambling run-up was followed by sharp pace and nigh-on perfect direction. A wicket for Manny was sandwiched by two absolute beauties for Akhtar, and the Casuals found themselves 5 down for around 80. I won't lie reader, we were all feeling pretty confident. But the middle of which I spoke earlier - of the 'order' variety of the Casuals - stood up to be counted when it mattered most as a man named 'Ed' and one named 'Avi' proceeded to stop the rot, and then actively repair the damage from the aforementioned damage, almost like cricketing polyfilla. At 18 overs gone, the Casuals had clawed their way back to 110-5, only slightly below the required rate. Another inordinately long drinks break followed ("why have they said hello to that strange neighbour who's nothing to do with the plot in the film again?") before the Casuals resumed with business as usual, making hay despite the Umpires' best efforts. However, out of nowhere, a ball from Jack which seemed destined for the boundary was plucked out of the air by our Pakistani recruit for a truly breathtaking one-handed catch. You could almost hear the sound of the London Fields hipsters falling off their penny farthings in amazement. With an end freed up, the Umpires moved in for the kill with Ol weighing in with a beauty and Akhtar snaring another couple with the ball.

However, in amongst this, controversy: as a poorly-replaced stump was grazed by an Akhtar delivery, the batsman immediately walking. Yet as height of said stump was, sadly, lower than the other two, the bail, hanging in the air with its solitary anchoring to middle, remained, Boycott-esque, resolutely unmoved. Not out was the (technically, if not morally) correct decision. 27 were needed from 24 balls. And with the carnival long gone, suddenly we realised why that neighbour had said 'hello' twice for no apparent reason. It was him all along! Cricketing metaphor: the sun had dipped; the darkness had descended, and memories of England in Karachi in 2000 were immediately summoned, with fielding in the deep becoming perilous.

Some stern bowling meant that 11 were needed from the final over for a Casuals triumph, or one wicket for an early Umpires win. That became 3 from the final ball. A 2 was scampered in the gloom and the game had ended as a truly unlikely tie after 35 overs of ebb and flow. While the result felt like a loss, in truth the two innings were remarkably similar: built around one glorious knock and two entertaining supporting roles, with the teams matched rather perfectly. The neutrals, sunning themselves in their thousands on the London Fields, had watched a classic, with a game that had virtually everything (mercifully, one thing it didn't have was an on-pitch pigeon mutilation). Can we play you every week? HUCC 243-6 (Pearce 106, Twigg 46, Thompson 32) (35 overs) Occasional Casuals 243-9 (Akhtar 4-23, Lewis 2-48) (35 overs)