hurtandalone

[hurtandalone]

First Entry

I used Tumblr when I was in high school a lot, but stopped in college. I’m using this space to get my emotions out, because I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I can’t do it healthily.

For background, I have been with B for eight years, married for six. It has been a rough eight years, filled with betrayal, fighting, emotional abuse, and destruction of each other’s hearts and emotions. Nevertheless, love still exists between us. We both feel that love and forgiveness are choices, so we refuse to give up on our partnership.

I am by no means perfect. I emotionally cheated on B about seven years ago, which I heavily regret. I have stopped flirting with other women and I have stopped watching porn. Yet B still resents me and has not completely forgiven me, understandably so.

When I come here to vent about something B has done, please understand I am not seeking pity. I am not attempting to portray myself as a victim. I am not even seeking attention or expecting anyone to read this. However, I still have my own feelings and I find B to be very emotionally abusive.

For context, I work approximately 80 hours per week. Yes, 80. I am not exaggerating. Sometimes it is 72, sometimes it is 88. It depends on how many extra shifts I am able to get. Regardless, I have little to no time to do anything for myself. I have a very stressful job that occupies 16 hours of my day at a time. I often don’t come home until 0700. B also has several debilitating health conditions. She is often sick or unable to even lift our small child. The burden is on me to earn enough income to pay medical bills, but also take off work when she’s too sick to take care of our child.

This morning, B woke up an hour late for an appointment. I took care of our child when she woke up, feeding her, dressing her, playing with her. I decided to game for a bit, so I hopped on the Xbox. Not even 30 minutes into playing, B comes home. She discovers that our dog went to the bathroom in our bedroom. I hadn’t had time to take the dog out because I was so busy with our child. She proceeds to yell at me, call me names, and then DEMAND that I get off the Xbox, like I was a child.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gamed. I may not have forgotten about the dog. I am in the wrong for not taking him out, but she still didn’t need to talk to me the way she did.

I am so unbelievably frustrated and hurt. I have no friends, and I have been alienated from my family because of B. I have no one to turn to, and nowhere to go. I am alone, and I am left with the burden of my own sins and the responsibility of taking care of two other people.

God, help me.