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too sensitive, miles carter

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the band that saved me. i don’t know how to thank you.

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if you’d die right now, what would you regret not having done?

to have a grown man tell me something so powerful at such a young age changed me to see the entire universe rested at my mother’s feet.

father, you always call to say nothing in particular. you ask what i’m doing or where i am and when the silence stretches like a lifetime between us i scramble to find questions to keep the conversation going. what i long to say most is. i understand this world broke you. it has been so hard on your feet. i don’t blame you for not knowing how to remain soft with me. sometimes i stay up thinking of all the places you are hurting which you’ll never care to mention. i come from the same aching blood. from the same bone so desperate for attention i collapse in on myself. i am your daughter. i know the small talk is the only way you know how to tell me you love me. cause it is the only way i know how to tell you. 

- milk and honey, rupi kaur

in the case that i pass on before my parents do, i hope they read this. 

as much as i don’t live with either of them now, i wish i did. i don’t regret having been kicked out of the house for loving someone i so strongly wanted to love in my past, yet i regret the time lost with my mother. i don’t blame or judge her for any of her decisions, and i wish she knew that. i wish she’d quit beating herself up for some decisions she made in the past that were sometimes not in her control. i want her to know how proud i am of her.

i’m not sure i will ever come to understand my father's’ actions in the past even as i continue to try and understand them today, but i hope he knows that i don’t blame him for anything. i look up to him a whole lot and i’ve learnt a lot from him. i wish he knew just how much he has shaped me to be the person i am today and how i continue to grow because of him.

if i were to die now, i’d regret not being able to be with my parents any longer. 

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Photo by Etienne Boulanger 

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Camille Seaman - The Lemaire Sunset, 2016, 555 Gallery Boston

Click on each image for details.

See more Camille Seaman posts here.

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two qualities you wish everyone had

right off the bat i'm gna say it.

i wish everyone were considerate, and empathetic.

it's easy to find one out of the two in many people i think. i can't claim to have both qualities because it's not in my position to say rather the people around me should be the judge of that.

i imagine these two qualities as venn diagrams that should wholly intersect each other. for you to be considerate, you must be empathetic. vice versa. you learn how to be considerate when you are empathetic.

damn wouldn't the world will be a much gentler, and kinder, place if every one of us had both qualities. life isn't so ideal though is it?

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name something you do that is fake

two years ago i deleted my insta account because i told myself i didn’t care for social media. didn’t care for a lot of people - only a handful of people i cared about and wanted to keep in touch with i kept on my priv acc. 

the next year and a half or so i kept it up, didn’t use much of it until for some reason i found myself putting in a lot of effort into making every insta story aesthetically-pleasing... god writing about it feels stupid, honestly. kinda funny too. not saying that anything’s wrong with putting in that much effort into insta stories though. used to do it myself, have a couple friends who do it and i envy them for it. sometimes i wish i cared about keeping up a feed or editing photos with filters on just for the fun of it yknow?

that was what i made myself believe anyway. yet for the past couple months i made it a point to purposefully edit my insta stories and present some sort of persona. social media makes you believe people have got life goin good for them but really it’s all a facade hahaha. 

life isn’t that kind to anyone, i think.

and i do want my friends to know that about me - that sometimes life throws shit at me and i simply gotta suck it up (though i think there is no need to necessarily publicise my bad days, yet i acknowledge that some bad days are important to talk about).

social media is honestly just a self-absorbed curation of your real life. it’s not like you didn’t know that though. how ever you choose to use social media, it’s all fine. i realise sometimes there’s no need to take life too seriously all the time, and that’s the fun of it.

anyway i just want this to serve as a reminder to self that there is absolutely no need to make myself look better in comparison to my friends. instead, make a post about something solely because i wna share news or thoughts with people dear to me. 

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well if you’re seeing this, just wanted you to know that you guys were my biggest takeaways from git’19. 

wouldn’t change a thing.

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are you innately good?

i don’t think anyone could give a fixed answer. who gets to decide what’s good?

your truth and mine are different. we are shaped by our experiences and thoughts, and at the core we’re different. i used to think one could do something so cruel, perhaps for the greater good, yet have good intentions, and that in the grand scheme of things intentions were the thing that would come to define how innately good we are.

yet again i am proved wrong by my experiences, conversations and thoughts. you could do something so selfless, yet not feel the empathy or sympathy you’re supposed to. i’m afraid i would one day reach this point - when music makes me realise i can no longer feel for others. 

i recently had this conversation with a group of friends i made in germany, and personally i defined being good as being truly selfless. i would like to think i am innately good, yet acknowledging the fact that i could, possibly, be innately good, is a selfish thing - because it makes me feel good about myself. 

the question of whether any good deed is selfless. at the end of it, you feel good about yourself - that you helped someone in need, that you made someone feel good. 

in the case where someone says he isn’t innately good, he would think that he isn’t as self-centred as someone else who acknowledges otherwise. that, too, makes him feel good about himself, and he isn’t being truly selfless.

but, if one were to be truly selfless, does this mean he lives to serve others? there would be a loss of individuality and one would no longer be himself? 

are you innately good? what the fuck makes you?

haha, clearly i’m going into a spiral and i haven’t decided fully how i feel about this. and that is why i say no one could answer this question with certainty. 

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what emotions are you afraid to show?

self-vulnerability as a double-edged sword; i refuse to admit to others and myself when i develop deep emotions for someone, or when i love someone so freely and fiercely it’s uncomfortable - that someone has such profound power over me, making me weak in the knees, and i am vulnerable in the face of the slightest bit of affection for someone else.

i take pride in the depth of my thoughts and the clarity of mind to explain elaborate sentiments. it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that someone else, now, knows me so damn well, perhaps better than i know myself sometimes. i’ve let my guard down and my walls brought down entirely. the last means of protecting myself from hurt shatters, but that’s okay i think.

who knew i had the capacity to feel so deeply for someone?

turns out i do. as uncomfortable as that idea is to me, i’m slowly but surely learning to let go of this unfamiliarity and embrace the emotions that come with it. i’d like to think that i’m selective with whom i interact with, let alone whom i pour my heart out entirely to. i think it’s only fair that if someone were to make me vulnerable that i don’t keep it from them. they deserve to know the way they make me feel, how much they’ve changed my life.

“the world would be a better place if you just, stay alive.” a friend told me once. at that point in my life, i needed to hear this from someone. thinking about it now i think maybe the rest of us, we need to hear it from others, too. 

you make me vulnerable.