hvzardly

[hvzardly]

Remember I told you how I felt like Mama was telling me to go to sleep in the middle of the night, sometime last week while she was still warded?

Now, the routine has been me checking out on her chest for movements, every time I walk pass her room.

Yes, she might be open to more menu of food, but I feel that her moving more is more of her pushing herself to not burden us much. Beyond her actual energy, I suspect.

Yesterday or the day before, we had a small talk. That she feels like she won't make it till the next appointment on the 22nd. And she told me to take care of Keklin, cus she's not that bright and easily manipulated. Or something like that.

Thus, I've been thinking.

Should I rethink my plan to leave for KL this weekend? Should I actually stay till she really has recovered, or at least till she's done with the surgery and all, end of next month?

I don't know. I really don't.

Not like I have anyone to spar this idea with...

[hvzardly]

...

[hvzardly]

Another rock bottom.

My car loan application has been rejected for the umpteenth time.

Hergh.

No sad.

Just mad.

Cus apparently me clearing off all my debts, has put me on "reset". Aka a person with no records of any loans. Zero. Aka not trustable by the banks to carry any loans.

Tried nominating Keklin as my guarantor, but failed also cus apparently she had some pawn broking records. Asked my 2nd step sister, who's the closest to me, but her own credit scoring doesn't allow her any more loans either. My other two step sisters are bankers, so they're not allowed to be anyone's guarantors. My step bro, far from stable. Lol.

Anyhu, life goes on.

Tho it'll surely be perfect with you beside me.

No matter how sucky.

[hvzardly]

Recently, I met rock bottoms.

Felt defeated.. time and again.

Despite clearing off all my old loans, I'm now being denied new loans because "my record is too clean". Not even to apply for instalments to buy new aircons.

Went to the authority for my divorce cert, but got thrown back and forth like a beggar. Long story short, I must now wait till mid July to get it. And must get it to apply for our marriage permit.

Despite all that, me generally ok.

Just needa manage my down time and feels.

Hope you're doing fine too.

InsyaAllah, me never stopped praying here for us.

After every solat.

Never will.

[hvzardly]

Someone asked me today...

How did you guys cope with the long distance?

I don't think I've ever seen you on the phone with your girl?

You guys don't do video calls?

How come I've never seen you post anything about her?

I didn't have any answer but smile.

Yeah.

I don't really know how to answer.

[hvzardly]

I feel so lonely, lately.

Never have I felt this lonely in my life before.

And never have I needed you more...

[hvzardly]

Wish I could, I could've said goodbye

I would've said what I wanted to

Maybe even cried for you

If I knew it would be the last time

I would've broken my heart in two

Tryna save a part of you

Don't wanna feel another touch

Don't wanna start another fire

Don't wanna know another kiss

No other name fallin' off my lips

Don't wanna give my heart away

To another stranger

Or let another day begin

Won't even let the sunlight in

No, I'll never love again

I'll never love again...

When we first met

I never thought that I would fall

I never thought that I'd find myself

Lying in your arms

And I wanna pretend that it's not true

Baby, that you're gone

'Cause my world keeps turnin', and turnin', and turnin'

And I'm not movin' on

Don't wanna feel another touch

Don't wanna start another fire

Don't wanna know another kiss

No other name fallin' off my lips

Don't wanna give my heart away

To another stranger

Or let another day begin

Won't even let the sunlight in

No, I'll never love.. again.

[hvzardly]

Sorry.

Hurting you is not even on the list of things that I would wanna do.

And sorry for the sense of distrust too.

[hvzardly]

One thing I should know better than anyone is, the determination of a boy who falls for a girl. How did I know that, and why am I so sure of that? Well.. because I was one of them. We started harmlessly, didn't we? You were in a relationship back then. Heck, I was even married. But with the same recipe, seeing each other almost everyday, going out, chilling, feeling comfy with each other, look where it led us to. So yah.. it's not impossible because it happened before.

I don't mind the walks. The games. The company. If they help you much with the winter depression, yes. Why not. Tho it might also mean that I don't have the same good effects on you, but it's not about me. I shouldn't be selfish in that.

But when it suddenly gets deep, with deep conversations about life, family, love etc, I can't help but sounding my alarm. It all sounds too familiar to me.

Worse.. even I don't get to do that much with you anymore nowadays. The fact that I've lost my privilege to walk by your side everyday to them is one thing.. and now.. I'm feeling behind in having meaningful talks too. Or every time we did, it'll be about us not understanding each other.

Not sure if you notice or not, but it seems like you don't feel comfortable sharing much with me anymore. Not even about your daily stuff. I only get to guess about the submissions and all from your snaps, after they happened. I wanted to ask, but yah.. don't wanna repeat the same mistakes and get you triggered again.

So when you said you're having more n more of such talks with him, and he's like your closed friend now, I was like.. hmm...

Tell me I don't make any sense please.

I kept telling myself that, but my heart just couldn't lie.

All I can do now is hope that no boy would ever be as determined as me...

[hvzardly]

I can't recall me saying that I don't wanna do normal calls.. just video calls. At this rate, I don't care whatever call it is, as long as I could hear your voice, skat.

This distance needs constant refueling, so yes.. I'd love to go back to where we used to be, do what we used to do. Just needa be careful so that it won't become a routine and tire you up too soon.

About the walks. Hmm.

In all my marriage of 8 years, I've never felt jealous. Not even once. Because I didn't care if something really happened, or if someone really intervened. Even better if it did. Huhuu.

The truth is, I'm a very jealous lover. Not to the point of possessive, I hope. But yah, I get jealous very easily. I'm sure you're aware of this too.

Every time I imagine you with someone else, I'll feel nauseous. Head be spinning. Knees be weak. Heart be beating fast. It's not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust the world. And if something really does happen, I'll die. Spiritually and mentally, if not literally.

But I don't wanna be one of those blindly jealous boyfriends either. Your life is your life. I don't wanna control it. Don't have the rights to, anyways.

What I can do is just.. keeping up the hope. That you'll understand. And it seems that my prayers have been heard and granted. Alhamdulillah.

Say hi to him. I know, he might sound sincere now. But I also know how boys can easily melt when they're with you. You have that power to make anyone.. well everyone.. like you, and eventually fall for you.

Thus I'd rather not wait till that happen to him. But I don't wanna dictate it either. I'd just leave it to you, to decide what you wanna do. I trust you, in the name of love. Our love.

Missing you every single bit of my heart, every single day, Sayang. Everything I say or do, anywhere I go, I never stopped thinking of you. And never will.

InsyaAllah.

[hvzardly]

Thank you, Sayang, for the video call.

I really needed that.

Luviu.

[hvzardly]

Yes.

Doubts, I have.

But never about my feelings for you.

I've loved you.

Still love you.

And will love you still, till the end of time.

InsyaAllah.

[hvzardly]

Feel like initiating.. but.. afraid of the coldness.

And those feelings of.. rejection.

And uselessness.

What if it doesn't work again?

What if she doesn't notice again?

Like your old toy story, remember?

Don't ask for it, boy. You'll never get it.

Don't even hope for it, boy. You'll just get hurt.

Hopes are dangerous.

Expectations are fatal, even.

Needa keep tellin yourself that more, boy.

Much more than you've been tellin your whole life.

Just embrace the hopelessness.

Enjoy the loneliness.

Sink in.

Just sink, boy.

[hvzardly]

Still loving you.

[hvzardly]

If you say so then.

[hvzardly]

Or course, again, you're seeing it as ABOUT ME.

Tho it says me wanting to be part of YOU, wanting to understand YOU, wanting to drown with YOU, all you see is it's about ME ME ME.

The saddes part is.. I've TOLD YOU.

I did.

But I changed it.

Cus ME ME ME doesn't matter.

If knowing my sorrow can make you feel better, like you said time and again, why not?

Yet again.. ME is all you see.

Well. I know you're different.

But I am not too?

[hvzardly]

Thank you.

For reminding me what a selfish tool I am.

For piling everything up on me like a garbage can I should function.

For again blocking every possible chance for me to redeem.

Just one question though - if I'm just one of those inconsiderate people who keep asking that inconsiderate question, then what are you? Why is it wrong for anyone, including me, to ask that when something horrible happened, while it is okay for you to do so every.single.time?

Did you expect me to suddenly pour my heart out, yada yada yada? Did you not know the answer already, that I was not okay?

I asked these, of course. And you kept saying that you did it because I could take it. Wrong. I couldn't take it each time, but I toughened up because I knew you wanted me to share. Because that'd be one of the first things you asked everytime something terrible happened to me; showing how natural and sincere you were. Because there's a slight chance that I could be better by sharing it with you, and you have all the rights to be part of my recovery.

Sadly, only I saw it as a purely good gesture when you did it, while when I did it, I was selfish and inconsiderate.

I asked because I wanted to know how you feel and think and your progress. I wanted to know where you are, on the healing. Of course you kept saying that you'll be okay on your own. And that it is not a good time to discuss it. That not even your family is able to help you in that; again stressing how I'm actually lower than them in rank.

Then when is it a good time? Because everytime, you'll just recover on your own, and we'll just end up never discussing it. And I would never know if you're okay; and ended up repeating the same big mistake again by taking my chance to assume that hey she's all laughing and chilling now, maybe it's "time" for me to understand her state of mind and self?

Hence, thanks.

For again putting me outside the court. I couldn't share the sadness NOR the joy. I could only watch you having fun with others to wash away your tears, and only take part to applaud once you're back to your smiling happy self; for maybe a couple of text messages before she's gone on with her real life again; which is becoming shorter and shorter each day.

What am I here, though? An audience? Am I still not in you, yet? Am I not eligible to drown together with you yet? Am I just an outsider, not a partner as we should be?

Maybe that's why it is okay for you to come up with all the harsh words every now and then. Throwing me to the dung pile time and again. And yet, I'm the inconsiderate one.

Heck.. as long as you're okay, right? It's not like I have the rights to be part of the sad and healing you anyways. I don't hold the key to that. The only key that I hold is the one to disaster, which I've proven to be selfishly using.

Really, thank you.